Husband tried to hire escort

[Guest]

I have never posted anything anywhere but I don't have anyone to turn to right now. I went to check my email account this morning and found a new username for a new email account for my husband. I guessed the correct password and saw emails I wish I never saw. First when I was away on business an ex-girlfriend was in town and he took her out to dinner and drinks. I didn't find anymore emails from her since the one thanking him for taking her out. He solicited the contact by saying quote "I'm not trying to hide anything but my wife is away."

 

I truly believe nothing happened but dinner and drinks. I am hurt that he couldn't tell me. I am very trusting and would have been fine with them meeting had he told me. Second I am hit by a double whammy in that I found 4 adult sex dating websites that he had registered to join. With 3 of those he cancelled his membership the following day; guilt I suppose. The last one is an escort service website. All of the websites he visited while I was away on business or visiting friends out of state. He even emailed an escort website asking if they had availability that night to come out to our house!! They emailed back a month later with something about becoming a member first so I don't believe anyone came out to the house. Just the fact that he would even think of brining a prostitute into our home is sickening.

 

The last incriminating email was about a month ago from a woman who was soliciting herself as "a real wife." He had emailed her to ask her how much she charged and that was the end of the communication. I think he found her ad on Craigs List. I have printed everything out and intend on confronting him but when and how? We have been trying to have our first baby for the last 6 months and now this. I am devasted. We have been married almost 5 years and everyone we know including me would characterize our marriage as solid. He is known as the nice, sincere, caring, doting, hardworking husband. I'll admit our intimate life has been a tad boring but why not come to me and initiate a conversation about it instead of thinking about hiring an escort.

 

I guess I am just rambling now. I feel like I can't tell anyone close to me not even my best friends or family because I am so embarassed and hurt. I am physcially ill right now and can't fathom sleeping next to him tonight. We have a trip planned to the Carribbean with other couple friends in 2 weeks which I have been looking forward to until now. All I am asking for is some advice on what to do and when? Thanks in advance.

[WhisperingWillow]

Do it now. Today. When he comes through the door, do not fly off the handle at him, instead serve him dinner and papers. I would ask him what he was thinking and why. Ask him what's going through his head. I wouldn't wait to get it out there. That is very serious. Also if you were to wait longer it would do more damage to your mental health than anything else. A lot of the others on here might tell you to wait, and you can choose what you want to do, but I would do it tonight.

 

The thing is how to present them and confront him. Be up front and honest. You can decide based on his answers how you want to handle it from there, but I'd suggest some marital counseling.

[JadeStar]

First of all do NOT have a baby with him right now. So put that on the back burner until you know for sure where things stand. Theres just no reason to try to bring a baby into a sitution such as this right now.

 

Do you think he would be willing to go to marriage counseling with you? Even if he wont go, you might still need to go. Maybe ask a professional how is the best way to present this info you found to your husband and if there is anything else you need to do/know before you do so. You never know how something is going to turn out.

 

Can you think of anything going on his life right now, or your marriage as a whole to cause him to seek out these other women?

[garvis]

I'm not offering excuses for him, far from it. Is it possible he was drunk while contacting these websites? I only ask because you mentioned that he had been out for drinks. People do a lot of stupid things when drunk. Many of which they regret.

 

Sober or not, what he did was not right. But maybe it's possible he feels bad about doing this. Hopefully that's the case and I think talking to him about it right away is the best approach.

 

Good luck.

[JamesM]

Do it now. Today. When he comes through the door, do not fly off the handle at him, instead serve him dinner and papers. I would ask him what he was thinking and why. Ask him what's going through his head. I wouldn't wait to get it out there. That is very serious. Also if you were to wait longer it would do more damage to your mental health than anything else. A lot of the others on here might tell you to wait, and you can choose what you want to do, but I would do it tonight.

 

The thing is how to present them and confront him. Be up front and honest. You can decide based on his answers how you want to handle it from there, but I'd suggest some marital counseling.

 

 

Well said. I am afraid this will turn into a fight, but it must be done. The longer you wait, the worse you will feel. He will say it was no big deal. Nothing ever happened.He was just bored. He had no intentions of doing anything. Standard answers. But it must be dealt with now.

 

Also where would he have gotten the money? Escorts cost a few hundred dollars an hour. This should be a point of consideration.

 

Marital counseling will be helpful for both. And above all, you now need to rebuild the trust in him. The fact that he created a new email address that you could find with a password that you could guess is actually a good sign. He has not gotten too devious yet. Now he must be open with you about his activities, so that you can begin to trust that he is not up to anything new behind your back.

[PandorasBox]

He has not gotten too devious yet.

 

He got "too devious" when he inquired about these escorts to begin with, wheather he went through with it or not, it was obviuosly something he was thinking about.

 

 

However or whenever you choose to tell him about this, is up to you. I would also make sure you have back up copies of your findings. Put them somewhere safe.

[JamesM]

He got "too devious" when he inquired about these escorts to begin with, wheather he went through with it or not, it was obviuosly something he was thinking about.

 

 

However or whenever you choose to tell him about this, is up to you. I would also make sure you have back up copies of your findings. Put them somewhere safe.

 

 

Let me clarify...when I said he wasn't too devious, I meant that he hasn't learned to be secretive. To me this is an indicator that he has probably never done this before. That does not make it any less wrong, but it does say to me that the OP has caught this in time to save her relationship.

 

I agree with PB's second part of her post. Make backups as proof for who knows what down the road.

[Guest]

Hi everyone. Thank you for your advice. I thought I would wait to confront him until I installed a keylogger on my computer but that will be days until I receive it. The situation is eating at me and I know I can't wait one more day. I have made multiple copies of all the emails and have them stored in a safe place. My plan is to spread the papers on the coffee table and ask him to explain each incident. Will keep you posted.

[Guest]

Hi everyone. Thank you for your advice. I thought I would wait to confront him until I installed a keylogger on my computer but that will be days until I receive it. The situation is eating at me and I know I can't wait one more day. I have made multiple copies of all the emails and have them stored in a safe place. My plan is to spread the papers on the coffee table and ask him to explain each incident. Will keep you posted.

 

You can download Spectorsoft immediately from their website. It can be run in stealth mode. It logs keystrokes, records emails, chats, and takes screenshots that you can time to go off every few seconds so it is an actual movie of whatever he's doing on the computer. Google it and you'll find their website. Best product on the market, easiest to use, and can be downloaded instantly. Good luck and keep us posted.

[Ladyjane14]

Much as JamesM has said, Guest, your husband is bound to claim "curiosity". What will your response be to that?

 

Sure, he'll know you're watching him in the future, but aside from giving him the opportunity to cast you in the role of authoritarian... there's no consequence to his actions.

 

Some guys can't seem to treat a wife like a partner. A guy like that tends to treat his wife like she was his mother, somebody he has to do an 'end-around' on in order to have any fun. Maybe it's a fear of REAL emotional intimacy, but whatever it is.... THAT's the behavior which needs to stop.

 

This is where your personal boundaries come into play. Is it okay with you to be married to a man who hides things from you? Is it okay to be married to a man who actively seeks out other sex partners? If not.... your boundaries need to be firm and they need to be supported by immediate consequences.

 

In a somewhat similar situation, I saw an attorney before confronting my husband. I demanded a divorce. I was NOT bluffing either. This is deal-breaking behavior in my book. I'm NOT going to let some grown man treat me like I'm his personal 'mommy'.

 

In my case, it turned out my husband wanted to reconcile the marriage and was motivated towards real and lasting change by this crisis. To be honest, I was too. There was ALOT of room for improvement on my part, and when I analyzed the situation from both ends I could see it.

 

Still, the first thing that needs to be addressed is the disrespectful behavior on your husband's part. You've got to put the actual fire out before you go back into the building, right?

 

My advice to you is to think about HOW you're going to support your personal boundaries before you confront. What can you live with, and what can't you live with? What will the consequences be when your most basic boundaries are challenged? What is it going to take to get this thing back on track and make you feel secure?

 

Once you have all that mapped out... you're in a position to let your partner know that you're NOT going to play this game. If he needs a "mommy" to watch over him, he needs to take his sorry self back to the woman who gave birth to him because YOU are not interested in 'mothering' a grown man.

 

At the end of the day, the ultimatum is unavoidable in this case. There's no alternative available that allows you to enforce your boundaries.

 

 

p.s. Mind Jadestar's post and think twice about parenthood at this time. Your foundation isn't stable enough yet to tolerate the additional stress.

[Guest]

Well you were spot on. He said nothing ever happened, noone came to the house, he was just very curious, etc. He admitted taking out his ex-girlfriend for dinner while I was away. He said he knew I would be coming home from a very stressful business trip so he didn't want to add to my stress by telling me. He then said that if the roles were reversed he wouldn't want to know if I went out to dinner with an ex-boyfriend. For him he said not knowing is better and thought his philosophy would apply to me. He said nothing happened between them, he just wanted to see an old friend and that had she been in town when I was there we both would have went out to dinner with her. He went on to say he has never and will never cheat on me. He admitted that keeping it all a secret was wrong and understands why I would be upset.

 

As for the emails he said he was embarrassed and sorry, he really had no intention of doing anything, it was all curiousity. He just couldn't believe what escorts would be willing to do, so he was "playing a game." As for asking if there was availability for an escort to come to our house, he said if someone would have emailed back yes, he would have terminated the communication since it was all in the name of being curious.

 

I asked him why his curiousity was limited to times when I was out of town. He replied that that was when he could get quality computer time because when I'm home I'm always working on the computer. If that's the case I asked why didn't he get on the computer during those times I went to bed before him. He had no real answer, saying something about nothing he said would make me feel better, blah, blah.

 

I will never forget the look on his face when I spread the emails on the table and asked him to explain. He thought I had hired a PI! The entire conversation was him being defensive. I told him I knew that was how it would all play out. He asked which friends I told about all of this. I was honest and said two people but only about meeting with his ex because the other part of the story was just too embarassing.

 

And so that's about it. I told him I'm not quite satisfied with his responses. I was honestly shocked that his answers were what you all had said that they would be. Are you guys psychic? I wish I would have received your post about him treating me more like a mother than a partner before I confronted him. I have never thought of that before but it is a very good point. So there will be more conversations. The whole being curious thing bugs me. We have cable. We have watched plenty of news shows about escorts and what they are willing to do. Of course they make house calls for the right amount of money. Duh!

 

Thanks for everything and I welcome anymore input.

[Ladyjane14]

I'd say that NOW is the time to hit him with Marriage Counseling. He's broken your trust, and he's going to have to earn it back.

 

Curiosity isn't much of an explanation for his behavior. A curious person might have looked, but don't you think it's a bit more when he goes to all the trouble to make profiles and then goes to such great lengths to hide it from you?

 

Your best bet is probably going to be to call your member services hotline at your health insurance company and ask them for a verification of whatever benefits you may have. Alot of insurers are offering this kind of coverage these days. They can also give you a list of preferred providers.

 

Then call and make an appointment. It usually takes about two weeks to line one up. Hopefully, your husband means what he says and is sorry enough to want to rectify the broken trust in your marriage. If he balks though.... go alone. You'll still find it comforting to be proactive in addressing the situation, and you'll also be gaining detailed advice on how to approach the problem.