bish Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 Ex OW here' date=' which I hate.[/quote'] Well don't hate yourself. I know your story and it wasn't your fault. You were lied to and took steps to get out of a lousy R with an as$hole. You are not like alot of the OW who know they are with a MM and don't care as long as they are getting what they want. Link to post Share on other sites
scaredinlove Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 He had many flings and one affait=r that lasted 3 months.i am the first long term affair he ever had, 5 yrs. He says he loves me too and he never loved the other ones... The only reason I believe is because it is almost a yr after the D-day and he is still with me.The one before me ,he dumped as soon the wife found out. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 Well don't hate yourself. I know your story and it wasn't your fault. You were lied to and took steps to get out of a lousy R with an as$hole. You are not like alot of the OW who know they are with a MM and don't care as long as they are getting what they want. Touching. I don't think anyone should hate themself, no matter WHAT their circumstance, how they got into it, or what their plans or decisions are. Link to post Share on other sites
GregsBad Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 With the guy I work with... he's been married for 20 years, they started dating when she was 14 he was 18... then married 4 years later... have been married for 24 years (he's 46)... he had an affair about 13 years ago with the wife of their friend couple. it lasted about 2 years... they saw each other maybe.... 8-10 times... maybe more... I'm not sure.. then he fell in love with me before we even got together. It is an EA for him... for me it is a PA. Then my 'favourite' he's younger, 37, so sweet.. so anxious...he's so scared to get caught so everytime we get together it's planned a week or more ahead... and very well planned... I'm his first A. It is a PA eventhough he says he 'addicted' to me... and he's 'liking' me more and more every time. I used to see him maybe once every month or 2 months.. now it's every week. The 'scout' father... I never asked him. I suppose he had, not sure. One more, he said he had, it was a PA, it lasted for years, he would still be with her but she moved... then he found me... he said he's faithful to his OW..LOL I can't tell you about all of them... unless I tell you how many I'm seeing so I'll stop here. You need to be spanked! Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 Touching. I don't think anyone should hate themself, no matter WHAT their circumstance, how they got into it, or what their plans or decisions are. When I said don't hate yourself I was referring solely to Know. I wasn't talking about the OW who knowingly and willingly get involved with MM. They shouldn't hate themselves either. But then again, they shouldn't go around acting like they are entitled to someone elses husband and claim victim status when its over. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 But then again, they shouldn't go around acting like they are entitled to someone elses husband and claim victim status when its over. One of the most staggaring things to realize and come to grips with is that you have been used, betrayed, what ever and to wake up and realize that you allowed YOURSELF to agree to be used and sacrificed your values and self worth for it. IT IS WAY EASIER TO WARD OFF THIS REALIZATION by projecting and blame shifting. It's a self protective mechanism. Unfortunately until the victim faces the fact that they devalued themselves enough to be victimized and comes to grips with that, then all the self protecting in the world will not work, the truth always hangs on the fringe and haunts. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 One of the most staggaring things to realize and come to grips with is that you have been used, betrayed, what ever and to wake up and realize that you allowed YOURSELF to agree to be used and sacrificed your values and self worth for it. IT IS WAY EASIER TO WARD OFF THIS REALIZATION by projecting and blame shifting. It's a self protective mechanism. Unfortunately until the victim faces the fact that they devalued themselves enough to be victimized and comes to grips with that, then all the self protecting in the world will not work, the truth always hangs on the fringe and haunts. I really think the problem is far more basic than this. There are a LOT of people, both women and men who simply feel a sense of entitlement. They feel entitled to take whatever it is that they want, whenever they want it. That includes, maybe even especially includes, a person who is married to someone else. The lines "they aren't owned, they can make up their own mind" or "they are the ones who took vows, not me" are a clear reminder that they take no responsibility at all for their own actions. When they are IN pain, that pain is someone else's fault. When they CAUSE pain, THAT pain is someone else's fault. Never is the fault or the responsibility their own. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 When they are IN pain, that pain is someone else's fault. When they CAUSE pain, THAT pain is someone else's fault. Never is the fault or the responsibility their own. I completely understand where you are coming from. I do believe how ever that there are OW, who do not hold that attitude in any other aspect of their life. To me these people are rationalizing not only there behaviors but the abuse that they are willing to accept. I believe that very similary unhealthy coping mechanisms apply to the BS who knows she's being victimized. THEN, only when the fog has lifted and you see the truth of your own agreement to be victimized do you either face the fact that you have devalued yourself and allowed this treatment or you continue to justify depending on how much self discovery you can handle at the moment. This I think is completely different from a person who feels such entilement in other areas of their lives as well, these people actually will never not be in self denial. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 I completely understand where you are coming from. I do believe how ever that there are OW, who do not hold that attitude in any other aspect of their life. To me these people are rationalizing not only there behaviors but the abuse that they are willing to accept. Actually, I do agree with you. It's just that the "entitlement generation" (I believe that's also referred to as the ME generation but I like my line better) sometimes really gets me down. I get unbelievably tired of hearing about how everything is ALWAYS someone else's fault. There are people who aren't like that in every facet of their lives, however, and as you say, those people are probably using coping mechanisms - poor coping mechanisms - but coping, nonetheless. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 Actually, I do agree with you. It's just that the "entitlement generation" (I believe that's also referred to as the ME generation but I like my line better) sometimes really gets me down. I call it the Pepsi generation! And these people are raising children... scary considering the values of the parents who raised us... and the parents who raised them.... really really scary. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted June 30, 2007 Share Posted June 30, 2007 One of the most staggaring things to realize and come to grips with is that you have been used, betrayed, what ever and to wake up and realize that you allowed YOURSELF to agree to be used and sacrificed your values and self worth for it. IT IS WAY EASIER TO WARD OFF THIS REALIZATION by projecting and blame shifting. It's a self protective mechanism. Unfortunately until the victim faces the fact that they devalued themselves enough to be victimized and comes to grips with that, then all the self protecting in the world will not work, the truth always hangs on the fringe and haunts. This is very well said, and describes the great denial I was in at one time... Link to post Share on other sites
SoxPrincess Posted July 4, 2007 Share Posted July 4, 2007 exMM told me I was the first affair he ever had but in the past 11 months that we've ended things, I've found out SO many lies that I really wouldn't be surprised if there were other affairs before me. Our A started as an EA as we lived in different locations but quickly turned into PA and remained as such for the entire 11 months of the A. Link to post Share on other sites
circeinvidiosa Posted July 4, 2007 Share Posted July 4, 2007 I am an XOW and it's a PA, lol. The answer is that I just don't know .... he told me that the only other time he cheated on his wife was a one-night stand with a woman he met at a party. I am pretty sure he stayed "faithful" (if you can call an adulterous relationship that) to me for the 3 years we were together. It was a long time ago and I am now living in another state. What happened to his marriage after me? Well .... as far as I know, he and his wife are still together. I do not exactly believe he went back to "work" on his marriage and lead the life of a faithful, decent and kindly husband. I do not pretend to know why they are still together, I am just glad that all my efforts to get him failed because if I had succeeded I would have been miserable. I don't think it's as simple as "entitlement" ... and a husband is not a possession, but a person with free will. No one can "take" him without at least getting his cooperation first. Claim victim status? I actually don't know any other women who've been through an A because they are so ashamed and afraid to discuss it, even with their best friends. If there are a few websites for women to talk openly about this and about how they feel (damaged, broken, agonized) after it's done, then I don't call that claiming "victim" status. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted July 4, 2007 Share Posted July 4, 2007 As far as I know I was the only one but who knows, he was a cheater, so he could have lied to me. PA. He left his wife and all that. R was a disaster from start to finish. I ended it. He was very anti being friends with exes, so guess what. We have no contact at all. I think he is seeing someone else, not sure whether it is wife or not. Don't care at all, and would be happy to never clap eyes on him again. Link to post Share on other sites
circeinvidiosa Posted July 4, 2007 Share Posted July 4, 2007 Whoops! By PA I thoguht you meant "previous affair" -- I see now you meant "platonic" -- no mine was EA, not PA, in that case .... Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted July 4, 2007 Share Posted July 4, 2007 Oh oops ,mea culpa too. Mine wasn't PA as in platonic. It was a full on warts and all PHYSICAL affair. Makes me feel sick to think about it now. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 I really think the problem is far more basic than this. There are a LOT of people, both women and men who simply feel a sense of entitlement. They feel entitled to take whatever it is that they want, whenever they want it. That includes, maybe even especially includes, a person who is married to someone else. The lines "they aren't owned, they can make up their own mind" or "they are the ones who took vows, not me" are a clear reminder that they take no responsibility at all for their own actions. As an exOW I DID have the attitude that 'he was the one who took the vows, not me'. However, I still take 50% of the responsibility of the upset that the A caused everyone. I DO think I was a victim of his lies, etc but I can only blame myself as I knew what I was getting into. When they are IN pain, that pain is someone else's fault. When they CAUSE pain, THAT pain is someone else's fault. Never is the fault or the responsibility their own. Ditto what I said above. I totally knew that what I was doing was wrong. I fell in love with him and whoever was to blame, it hurts like hell. I have learned by it though. I would never put myself through that again and knowing the hurt and pain we caused his W and family I would never want to do that to another human being either. I realise that the hurt I feel is nothing compared to how his W must have felt after all those years of M. sb129 - well done! I can't wait for the day that I feel like that. Right on girl! Link to post Share on other sites
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