StayClose Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 Many women, such as my wife, have a confusion between "hearing" and "agreeing." Too often in discussions, if I disagree with her I am accused "not hearing" her. Many topics are difficult to discuss because the argument quickly shifts from the original topic to whether or not I "hear" her. I can restate anything she says, but if I have a different perspective that is proof to her that I have not "heard" her. She often accusing me me insulting her and belittling her when I do not. If it is possible to interpret my words or actions as insults, that's what I do. So when she says "you're hurting me" and I have done nothing to hurt her, yes, I don't beleive her. Feeling hurt is her reaction to the everyday challenges of life. I can control how I act toward her, but I have no control how she reacts to me or events in life that I don't control.
Author a4a Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 I get it.. have you tried the skillet method ?.. you know where you just wack him in the head with the iron skillet.. at least that way he would be in the same room as you are.. just asleep Well it crossed my mind. I clearly stated that this is the one thing I ask for (peace and quiet once a week) and I thought it was shatty that he was doing this again...... keep in mind that during my "movie night" I also hashed out that contract, taking time away from the designated and agreed upon "me time". I also frontlined 9 dogs and 2 cats..... I did not expect him to do it alone. I asked for my Mondays...... "I would really like it if I could just have Monday nights to chill"....... Big meeting here tomorrow and all tasks have been left to me to handle today...... no help either. I am half tempted to not do a thing. My new found Reactance. Tune Out.
Art_Critic Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 Why not just take him at his word.. then talk with him about why he doesn't believe you ? If he says he doesn't believe you then it is most likely true..the trick would be to find out why ..
Author a4a Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 So when she says "you're hurting me" and I have done nothing to hurt her, yes, I don't beleive her. Feeling hurt is her reaction to the everyday challenges of life. I can control how I act toward her, but I have no control how she reacts to me or events in life that I don't control. So in trying to understand this with your perspective I would like to give you a scenario. Stayclose, because you do not initiate sex in our marriage it makes me feel hurt for a variety of reasons. I would like you to do this on occassion. It would make me feel good if you do and if you did I am sure that I would be much happier with our M. Now- do you believe that your inaction is really hurtful to me or do you dismiss this as not "real"? Curious if you could provide an example of your previous post..... and why you dismiss your W.
Sheba Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 Our marriage counsellor goes on about these semantic differences. I am not to say "you are making me feel", instead I am to say "I feel". I can't comment on whether or not the semantic adjustments will ultimately make a difference. Let me get back to you on that. I can tell you, a4a, that your husband sounds a lot like my ex-husband: childish. I learned in that marriage that some people never grow up. To this day, 10 years after I left that man, he is JUST as indecisive and irresponsible and juvenile as he was when I left him. I had to take care of EVERYTHING. 10 years later, when he has a big problem, he still phones me for help. Imagine! I know that I have read posts by you where you say you don't want children, but perhaps you already have one? 1
raincloud Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 Our marriage counsellor goes on about these semantic differences. I am not to say "you are making me feel", instead I am to say "I feel". I can't comment on whether or not the semantic adjustments will ultimately make a difference. Let me get back to you on that. I can tell you, a4a, that your husband sounds a lot like my ex-husband: childish. I learned in that marriage that some people never grow up. To this day, 10 years after I left that man, he is JUST as indecisive and irresponsible and juvenile as he was when I left him. I had to take care of EVERYTHING. 10 years later, when he has a big problem, he still phones me for help. Imagine! I know that I have read posts by you where you say you don't want children, but perhaps you already have one? Yes, the semantics do have play, but to what degree? My husband tends to be childish too....even his own mother tells me I have two children, not just one! He did have a pretty crappy upbringing though, several divorces, father hardly there, etc. So I am trying to understand how that has had an effect on him mentally.
Author a4a Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 Why not just take him at his word.. then talk with him about why he doesn't believe you ? If he says he doesn't believe you then it is most likely true..the trick would be to find out why .. Asked no answer...... He doesn't believe me sometimes...... nor does my friends soon to be X. Any ideas on why someone would not believe their spouse?
hotgurl Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 a4a I don't know why he woudn't believe you. except maybe lack of empathy. My Bf is like that a little. If he doesn't feel hurt of unhappy with the relationship he won't believe me when I say I do. He typical response is but I a happy. well so what. I am not. 1
Sheba Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 I think hotgurl has it right. He lacks empathy. He has none because he is as selfish and self-centred as a child. If he does not experience a feeling it does not exist for him. If you say "I need to be alone" he thinks "well, I don't need to be alone" and is simply unable to put himself in your shoes. Of course I might be infusing my notion of your husband with too much of my ex, but they sound as if they could be the same manchild. 1
Author a4a Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 I think hotgurl has it right. He lacks empathy. He has none because he is as selfish and self-centred as a child. If he does not experience a feeling it does not exist for him. If you say "I need to be alone" he thinks "well, I don't need to be alone" and is simply unable to put himself in your shoes. Of course I might be infusing my notion of your husband with too much of my ex, but they sound as if they could be the same manchild. Lack of empathy does not explain why he would ignore a warning about a broken gas gauge. This caused him harm.... but did force me to resolve the problem for him that he chose to create by ignoring the warning (some sort of weird ass way of getting me back for warning him/telling him not to let the truck run low on gas?) So I by telling him info I tried to make him feel inferior - so he wanted to prove me wrong by allowing the truck to maybe make it on fumes..... so he could say "there is nothing wrong with that gauge, you are wrong". ????????????? It (lack of empathy) would explain why he so easily dismisses my feelings. I almost think he truly believes I am a flaming tard. Which I guess I am because I married him.
My Fair Katie Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 It (lack of empathy) would explain why he so easily dismisses my feelings. I agree, not lack of empathy. You've said before you're raising a teenager. Teenagers like to push limits. They like to prove anyone they see as an authority "wrong." So, you say something, he thinks, "I'll show her." It's like that stage in life when a kid is trying to gain independence but goes about it in a really idiotic way. Forgiveable when it's a teenager who doesn't know better, infuriating when it's your husband and he's having a negative impact on your life and business. I say if he wants to be a teenager treat him like one. If he doesn't want to take care of the truck then he needs to save up and get his own mode of transportation. When he pitches a fit when you are watching tv you gotta tune him out. Even if you are watching the TV and not hearing it, you need to ignore him. Eventually he'll get the idea that your time to yourself will NOT be interrupted. As far as him not believing he's hurt you, I dunno what to say. Are you specific? Do you name the behavior that hurts? As in, "It's hurtful when you ____________." My own H doesn't believe my feelings are hurt unless I cry, and I usually only cry at movies when a dog dies. 1
IpAncA Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 Well well well...seems like my father has a twin. I know exactly what your going thru and all I can say is good luck because you'll need it and he's not gonna change. 1
Author a4a Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 So .............. I just found that the cell phone was shut off. He was aware the bill was due, put it on the counter last week. What is my reaction to be? Not say a word? Pay it and not say a word? Stick a fork in his head and not say a word? This is typical and will cost an extra $40 on the bill to restore service. So yes it has an effect on me, and a believe I do have a right to protest. But I just don't feel like protesting it.
Art_Critic Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 What is my reaction to be? Setup automatic bill pay Leave it shut off... Eff him
Author a4a Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 I As far as him not believing he's hurt you, I dunno what to say. Are you specific? Do you name the behavior that hurts? As in, "It's hurtful when you ____________." My own H doesn't believe my feelings are hurt unless I cry, and I usually only cry at movies when a dog dies. Yes I am very specific. I don't get this..... I think he is nuts. I think he is really nuts. Some serious issues about control and rebellion? perhaps that is why the phone is not paid - perhaps he feels like he should pay them when he feels like it/wants to, not when the bill says to pay? This is nutso..... ehhhhhh... whatever. 1
Author a4a Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 meltdown in 3-2-1 Just hit me that perhaps it is not paid so it "gets" to me. Amazing that the horses got out while I was hashing a contract out on the phone last night- at that precise moment...... oooops he left the gate open..... only time he did that.. happened to be when I was solving a serious problem. starting to think he does this crap on purpose.
Art_Critic Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 starting to think he does this crap on purpose. Is that a lightbulb that just lit up over your head ?.. or a halo ?
Author a4a Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 Is that a lightbulb that just lit up over your head ?.. or a halo ? horns - as a huge wad of hatred is burning the back of my throat like a bit of vomit. kiss me! he denies the on purpose part.... swears he doesn't choose to not do things or to do them... I think he is nuts. I think he believes he doesn't do these things on purpose but actually is doing them on purpose...... nuts. I think he is really nuts. unconcious revenge? Or really slick and a good liar. 1
raincloud Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 So .............. Stick a fork in his head and not say a word? :laugh:
Author a4a Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 :laugh: I am considering that option. picture it- perhaps slap some cheese upside his head as well..... not even mad really..... just not mad at all at this point. More in leave me alone mode. Oh I was also told that I am not to speak to anyone about our M. Forgot that doo dad from the weekend. oooopsy..... guess I am not behaving.......... never agreed to that though.
Mustang Sally Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 Well, here's my thoughts, FWIW: Your H is either: a) Pathologically passive-aggressive b) has Borderline Personality Disorder (see a) c) a flaming 'tard, himself 4) living on Denial Planet 5) some combo of part - or all - of the above. Why do you stick it out with him, a4a? Are the good times enough to outweigh the annoying? Just wondering... He sounds exasperating. 1
raincloud Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 So .............. Not say a word? Pay it and not say a word? Stick a fork in his head and not say a word? Cracks me up every time I read it!!! Maybe I'm just in a sadistic mood today!!! Okay, time to be good little girls.....
Author a4a Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 Well, here's my thoughts, FWIW: Your H is either: a) Pathologically passive-aggressive b) has Borderline Personality Disorder (see a) c) a flaming 'tard, himself 4) living on Denial Planet 5) some combo of part - or all - of the above. Why do you stick it out with him, a4a? Are the good times enough to outweigh the annoying? Just wondering... He sounds exasperating. I vote for A....... and a light peppering of a narrcisist. too lazy to pack. too much going on at the moment for me to pack..... homeless for awhile until things are ironed out with my other property. ...... he keeps on being good for 2-3 day runs. Professing his love, blah blah blah....... I get the guilts, say okay, I know you didn't mean it. He should cry for dramatic effect... really needs to revamp his act... it's getting old. he blamed it on his job - I bought it blamed it on his nuts - bouught it until we found his nuts were fine there is a year long list of scapegoats for his behavior. I have been waiting for global warming to be blamed. blames it on me now.... it's my fault. he has been lack luster his whole life because of me..... wow that makes sense. Seeing as I am his mommy..... you always blame the parent. I am not allowed to pay his bills, makes him feel bad..... even if it is with his own money.... not manly. I think he is a huge macho ass hiding in the throw pillow section of life. < where the hell did that come from? 1
Mustang Sally Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 Oh. I thought maybe he just has a really big schl0ng.
raincloud Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 I think he is a huge macho ass hiding in the throw pillow section of life. You are funny.
Recommended Posts