She dumped him, now all I have is crumbs

[Cobra_X30]

Silent, I respect the heck out of what you are planning to do. Those who think you should stay in the M and not come clean are too selfish to see past themselves. The only thing that would make me feel leery is that this MM rejected you. Are you sure you are not making this decision as a rebound relationship?? If you basically make your H a rebound guy to get over the hurt of this jerk rejecting you its not going to work out in the longrun.

[jj2007]

I'm not telling him to make it easier on me, if anything it will make it harder, I'm not crushing him to assuage the guilt. I'm telling him so that he can make an informed decision on whether or not he wants us to stay together or whether or not he wants to break up or at the very least have some time apart in which to make his decision. If it were me in his position I would want to know.

 

It will hurt him but it is the right thing to do. He has a right to know that he was sharing his wife with someone else. You made a mistake but you are trying to come clean which is good. I hope everything works out for you and that you have learned your lesson.

[silent_cadence]

Silent, I respect the heck out of what you are planning to do. Those who think you should stay in the M and not come clean are too selfish to see past themselves. The only thing that would make me feel leery is that this MM rejected you. Are you sure you are not making this decision as a rebound relationship?? If you basically make your H a rebound guy to get over the hurt of this jerk rejecting you its not going to work out in the longrun.

 

Thank you, I feel it is the right thing to do. I am making this decision to right the wrong that I have caused and to move on with life in the right direction. I do love my husband, and it was a very awful way to learn it, and I may yet lose him when I tell him and he hears what I have done. It isn't rebound at all. What I felt for the MM was nothing more than infatuation at a very weak point in my life. I can do nothing now but to tell the truth and accept whatever happens, knowing in my heart that I will be doing the right thing even though it means risking losing the man I do truely love.

[silent_cadence]

It will hurt him but it is the right thing to do. He has a right to know that he was sharing his wife with someone else. You made a mistake but you are trying to come clean which is good. I hope everything works out for you and that you have learned your lesson.

 

Thank you. I have learned my lesson. Never again will I ever be the other woman in any man's life.

[Cobra_X30]

Silent, I wish you the best. Life is going to get bumpy for you, just keep your eyes on the goal!

[frygirl]

Thank you. I have learned my lesson. Never again will I ever be the other woman in any man's life.

 

hmmm ..... I thought the lesson was to never cheat on your husband again. So if the OM hadn't been married and there was a chance you could be together would you be wanting to make things work with your husband?

[silent_cadence]

hmmm ..... I thought the lesson was to never cheat on your husband again. So if the OM hadn't been married and there was a chance you could be together would you be wanting to make things work with your husband?

 

Since I've done alot of soul searching and have thought alot about the whole thing and why it happened and my feelings toward mm and my H, I've realized painfully, what I thought I had with the MM was not real love, what it was, was me in a fog, thinking that infatuation was love because I was being treated nice by mm and being desired by him when at home I was feeling abandoned by my H, and being ignored while he was building his business. I spent many an hour alone back then before the A began and it was getting to me to the point that I felt worthless as a woman.

I can see that the MM to a certain extent fed into my insecurities with the typical lies that MM's use in affairs. So no I wouldn't have gone with the MM because I do love my husband, not the MM.

[skindeep]

I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I, too, had dday in late Feb. I was awakened at 3 am and confronted and called every name in the book-and I sat silently and took it, because I deserved it, and there was really nothing that she could say to me that could beat what I had already been thinking of myself for years. I will never understand how I gave myself permission to go there. It isn't who I am or wanted to be EVER. It was like a drug and I lived in denial . I did leave my husband-I guess I can be proud of the fact that I chose not to continue to lie to his face-but I did not confess. We were already divorced for almost a year when dday came around. She did, however, ask if he (my H) had any idea what a Sl*t I was. And I was even more scared when she asked if my kids knew as well. Three days later I received an e-mail from HIM OM) telling me that he couldn't let me keep on thinking or hoping that one day we might be together...he didn't want that responsibility feeling. He felt that I might be waiting for him and he didn't want me to because at this point he didn't know what he wanted for his life, and that he wanted to re-evaluate himself and try to become a better person.......I waited one month, fearing leaving my house, before I finally calmed down enough to see him face to face and tell him how much he had hurt me by sending an e-mail to break up-(he had said I was his best friend in the U.S., the only one he could talk to and share his feelings with)......Anyway, I said that the way it had ended shouldn't be what defined the relationship we had, or the friendship of 8 years prior to our involvement. I had hoped for and even encouraged him to get off the fence and do the right thing by being honest if he was no longer in the marriage. Or, if he wanted to try and save it, he needed to cut things off with me. Always, he said he loved her-but like a sister and did nothing. SO when it blew up he finally had to deal. I was told she was filing for a quick divorce-but I still don't know if it has happened for sure. It appears that she has told him that she might be able to forgive him enough to do things together with the kids as friends. Point being-she loved him, so he can be forgiven. I will always be seen as the homewrecker, the guilty party, the sl*t. And I do not doubt that when faced with the consequences of his behavior that he begged her forgiveness and did whatever he could to save face and make himself look better at my expense. If they are a coward to begin with, times like these are not when they sprout cajones! I have been NC for 2 1/2 months. He called two weeks ago, and asked to get together for lunch. He acted as if we had nothing to talk about; like it was old times. I felt the intensity and KNOW that if I had been willing, he would have jumped right back in to the pool. Then, he mentioned that SHE (W) was in Europe with the kids for two weeks........AHA! Now my eyes are open. I was pleasant and flirty and feeling very much at ease when I told him that I was no longer willing to be second place, or accept crumbs. I calmly expressed all of my feelings in a compassionate and loving way, and left feeling I had regained my dignity and had finally begun picking up the pieces. When we departed, he hugged me and said he would call........I cannot be just friends-we've already crossed that line and not until I have fully recovered from my own wounds and moved on to something else will I be able to be in his presence as a casual friend. It has since been 2 weeks and he has now gone for two weeks to his home in Europe with the kids for a visit. He says he thinks it is still too soon for us. Not, apparently, for sex though. gross. We'll see what time does. I'm spent. Best of luck to you-I applaud your committment to do what you feel is the right thing for you and your marriage, whatever that turns out to be. I have no advice to offer-just know that this, too, shall pass.

[mystic_pizza]

Wow silent_cadence, sorry you are going through such a rough time. D-Days are never easy and from what I have read in other D-day posts, it shocks everyone involved right back into reality. I have not gone through what you are going through, but I have read many posts similar to your situation. It is really easy for people to say how your H will react or feel, but the truth is no one really knows. One poster in another forum was faced with the very same situation and told her H about the A, he immediately stood behind her and said they would work on their marital issues. The W of her MM did call to tell her H and he blew her off and said he already knew and for her to mind her own business and marriage, not his. Then in another situation, the H was crushed and freaked out about it, but still chose to work on their marriage. So it is really hard to say how things will turn out. Only you know what is best in the situation and you have to go from there.

 

IMO, the W of the MM has no right what-so-ever to tell your H. Just like the OW has no right to tell the W if they get dumped before a D-day. It's not their place in either situation. Your marriage is your business and her marriage is her business. It really pains me to hear the W threaten the OW like that instead of looking at the marriage to see where the problem really lies. I know that it is a very emotional situation and maybe they want others to hurt as much as they are, but it still does not make it right.

 

If I were you, I would go NC with MM immediately! Change email addresses and phone numbers if necessary, but do not have any contact with this MM at all. He lied to you, he doesn't deserve the honor of your communication. If his W happens to call you and you can't avoid talking to her, tell her all the lies he told you about her. That will shut her up in a hurry. Start to put your own life back together. If you feel the need to tell your husband then do it, if not then don't. Whatever you decide, I hope it all works out for the best. It is going to be extremely painful for a while, but at least you are headed in the right direction.

[child_of_isis]

W's don't tell the H's of the OW about the affair "to hurt them" (the OW)...but to let the OW's H know what is going on.

 

He needs to know.

 

I would want to know. Most of us would.

 

If your H had an affair, wouldn't you want to know? Wouldn't you want to know that the person you loved and trusted the most was lying and scheming behind your back? Or would you prefer to play the fool?

[child_of_isis]

This is not taking responsibility for your own decisions but putting the blame on everything and everyone else. (the R, H, you felt worthless, etc)

 

A woman's worth is not validated by a man desiring her. Self worth is the issue here. And no one can give that to you but yourself.

 

Look at it this way...your H was busting his butt to build a business and life for you two...and you felt abandoned?? Geesh...how is that? Most of us would be mighty damn proud of both the man and ourselves. (for finding such a good man, of course)

 

at home I was feeling abandoned by my H, and being ignored while he was building his business. I spent many an hour alone back then before the A began and it was getting to me to the point that I felt worthless as a woman.

[Love is Tragic]

It really sucks that MM obviously lied to you, and im sure it makes many OW out there think about what their MM is telling them on a daily basis. Many many of us here the same song and dance of 1. My wife is a cold, frigid, b*tch who never wants sex, 2. We fight all the time. 3. I will be broke if we get divorced. 4. blah, blah, blah.. If you think about it, if there were really that many men in this world who were that freakin miserable, why in the h*ll would they stay in their M? It makes absolutely no sense. If it were really as horrible as they make it out to be, why do they stay?

 

In my case, my MM stays because he cant bear the thought of his W getting custody of their kids. I tell him why in the world wouldnt she get custody? He works something like 100 hours a week and is never home, she takes care of the kids all the time anyway. argggg!! men are so clueless it kills me.. Im so sorry this happened to you, if ya need to chat, holla at me.

[mystic_pizza]

W's don't tell the H's of the OW about the affair "to hurt them" (the OW)...but to let the OW's H know what is going on.

 

He needs to know.

 

I would want to know. Most of us would.

 

If your H had an affair, wouldn't you want to know? Wouldn't you want to know that the person you loved and trusted the most was lying and scheming behind your back? Or would you prefer to play the fool?

 

I completely disagree, it is not the W's place to tell the OW's H about the A. Their marriage is none of her business. I believe it is up to the OW to tell her own H and not anyone else. It is not a matter of being played for a fool, in many cases H's and W's suspect it anyway. What if the H is perfectly happy not being told? That happens sometimes too and the W would be intruding on his choice not to be told. Finding out a spouse is having an A is a very private matter to be dealt with in the marriage. A's happen for different reasons and it is the reasons that need to be dealt with IMO. If it happened to me (I am single), I would not want anyone else to know about it. I would rather deal with it privately.

[child_of_isis]

A's happen for one reason and one reason only...because someones in a M DECIDES to lie, cheat, scheme and betray their spouse.

 

If there is a problem in the M then it should be dealt with in an adult manner. If that problem cannot be resolved, then the couple should consider divorce, then sleep with whom they chose....not beforehand.

 

A lot of spouses do take responsibility for their partners cheating. Some even feel guilty and ashamed. But the truth is,emotionally mature people do not have A's when there is a "problem" in the relationship.

 

 

 

A's happen for different reasons and it is the reasons that need to be dealt with IMO. If it happened to me (I am single), I would not want anyone else to know about it. I would rather deal with it privately.

[child_of_isis]

It sounds like this man would prefer to stay with W than to hire a full time babysitter/housekeeper. In all probabilities W feels herself to be not much more than a maid already.

 

It definitely puts a new spin on "cheaper to keep her".

 

This man is not clueless. Manipulative and selfish...but not clueless.

 

He works something like 100 hours a week and is never home, she takes care of the kids all the time anyway. argggg!! men are so clueless it kills me.. Im so sorry this happened to you, if ya need to chat, holla at me.

[skindeep]

I have been on both sides of the equation. As hurt as I was, I never even considered calling the OW's fiance/live-in boyfriend, whatever.......the initial reaction is to lash out and the desire to inflict pain on the offending party is purely that-getting even. But when cooler heads prevailed, I knew in my heart that she was not the problem. She was a symptom of our problem, and I was forced to look at myself and our circumstances and know that to do otherwise would have only made me look bad and helped to shift blame where it didn't belong.

 

I don't believe in dragging innocent people into a mess I've helped to create. Handle it in-house, so to speak, as that's where it really started.

 

You're right, some people would rather not know. While I do believe that everyone has the right to know what is the truth so that they can make decisions for their own lives based upon what is real, it is a private matter and should take place between the two people who made the vows to love , honor and respect each other. The offending party is the one who owes the truth to their partner. Not someone outside the marriage.

[mystic_pizza]

I have been on both sides of the equation. As hurt as I was, I never even considered calling the OW's fiance/live-in boyfriend, whatever.......the initial reaction is to lash out and the desire to inflict pain on the offending party is purely that-getting even. But when cooler heads prevailed, I knew in my heart that she was not the problem. She was a symptom of our problem, and I was forced to look at myself and our circumstances and know that to do otherwise would have only made me look bad and helped to shift blame where it didn't belong.

 

I don't believe in dragging innocent people into a mess I've helped to create. Handle it in-house, so to speak, as that's where it really started.

 

You're right, some people would rather not know. While I do believe that everyone has the right to know what is the truth so that they can make decisions for their own lives based upon what is real, it is a private matter and should take place between the two people who made the vows to love , honor and respect each other. The offending party is the one who owes the truth to their partner. Not someone outside the marriage.

 

Very well said skindeep. I could not have said it any better.

[mystic_pizza]

A's happen for one reason and one reason only...because someones in a M DECIDES to lie, cheat, scheme and betray their spouse.

 

If there is a problem in the M then it should be dealt with in an adult manner. If that problem cannot be resolved, then the couple should consider divorce, then sleep with whom they chose....not beforehand.

 

A lot of spouses do take responsibility for their partners cheating. Some even feel guilty and ashamed. But the truth is,emotionally mature people do not have A's when there is a "problem" in the relationship.

 

I respect your opinion but do no agree with it. People make mistakes and sometimes situations happen that cause one to cross a line they normally would not cross. If an A happens and it is discovered, dealing with it privately IS handling it in an adult manner.

 

Regarding the BW, forcing an outsider (OW's H), into the mix creates a distraction from the real issue, which is, why did the A happen in the first place. Sure, maybe the MM is a liar and cheat...if that is the case, the BW has to determine whether or not she wants to stay in the marriage. How does telling the OW's H factor into that decision? It has no relevance to her marriage what-so-ever.

 

You said that emotionally mature people do not have A's. That is a generalization and does not ring true in the real world. You can not really speak for all people. And, you can never say "never" because you do not know.

[NoIDidn't]

Regarding the BW, forcing an outsider (OW's H), into the mix creates a distraction from the real issue, which is, why did the A happen in the first place. Sure, maybe the MM is a liar and cheat...if that is the case, the BW has to determine whether or not she wants to stay in the marriage. How does telling the OW's H factor into that decision? It has no relevance to her marriage what-so-ever.

 

I can understand the logic here, but it still makes no sense and is circular. An outsider was already forced into the BWs M, so she is getting rid of that person by alerting the MW's H. Why shouldn't the MWs H get the same benefit of the BW? That is, deciding whether or not to stay with a cheat.

 

I do agree that it hurts the betrayed spouse to be told about the A, but so does the A. Classic, chicken or the egg debate.

[mystic_pizza]

I can understand the logic here, but it still makes no sense and is circular. An outsider was already forced into the BWs M, so she is getting rid of that person by alerting the MW's H. Why shouldn't the MWs H get the same benefit of the BW? That is, deciding whether or not to stay with a cheat.

 

I do agree that it hurts the betrayed spouse to be told about the A, but so does the A. Classic, chicken or the egg debate.

 

I understand where you are coming from, but doesn't the BW already have enough to deal with since her H cheated on her? She needs to deal with why her H cheated in the first place. Either she married a lying cheating dog or there is something in the marriage that caused him to stray in the first place. The one person she has a right to talk to is the OW (if she agrees), but her the OW's H?...that is up to the OW. In silent's case it seems the MM lied to both of them and in all likelyhood silent is just as much a victim as the BW is. He told silent that his marriage was awful and she found out otherwise through mutual aquaintances.

[NoIDidn't]

I understand where you are coming from, but doesn't the BW already have enough to deal with since her H cheated on her? She needs to deal with why her H cheated in the first place. Either she married a lying cheating dog or there is something in the marriage that caused him to stray in the first place. The one person she has a right to talk to is the OW (if she agrees), but her the OW's H?...that is up to the OW. In silent's case it seems the MM lied to both of them and in all likelyhood silent is just as much a victim as the BW is. He told silent that his marriage was awful and she found out otherwise through mutual aquaintances.

 

So Silence had a RIGHT to sleep with this woman's H? Double-standard. The BW can call whomever she wishes to call, including the BH of the MW.

 

I would even wager that Silence told a lie or two to her BH while conducting this A. Is it fair that someone that can tell him is being told they don't even have the right to tell him? Would he agree that his W had the right to sleep with another man?

 

And going even further, did those mutual acquaintances of Silent's have the right to tell the truth about the state of the MM's M? I can't see that as fair to Silent as it injects a reality into the A that according to your logic was really none of her business.

 

That's why that logic falls apart. The MM and MW were WRONG and can't start talking about others' rights.

[NoIDidn't]

Continuing this threadjack theme....

 

I told the BF of the OW in my case. She was livid that I could do such a thing and was telling my H about how I had "no right" to interfere with her life in such a way.

 

My H told her of the foolishness of her logic. He defended my right to do whatever I wanted to given the circumstances. The ball was in my court and he knew it.

 

She then had her own fire to deal with in her home. She went into full suck up mode to try to get her BF to stay with her. The same BF that she wrote in emails to my H about how much she hated him and how awful he was to her. She begged for him to stay with her. Minimizing her involvement with my H all the way. I know this because her BF called me to find out if their stories fit. (He even apologized for her behavior. She never did, but that's another thread LOL)

 

So, in my case, exposure even showed my H that he wasn't dealing with the truth coming from this OW either. I don't think that exposure is meant to hurt the unsuspecting spouse, but to inform them. But, as in my case, can even end up informing the MM too. LOL.

[mystic_pizza]

So Silence had a RIGHT to sleep with this woman's H? Double-standard. The BW can call whomever she wishes to call, including the BH of the MW.

 

I would even wager that Silence told a lie or two to her BH while conducting this A. Is it fair that someone that can tell him is being told they don't even have the right to tell him? Would he agree that his W had the right to sleep with another man?

 

And going even further, did those mutual acquaintances of Silent's have the right to tell the truth about the state of the MM's M? I can't see that as fair to Silent as it injects a reality into the A that according to your logic was really none of her business.

 

That's why that logic falls apart. The MM and MW were WRONG and can't start talking about others' rights.

 

T/J # 2

 

Okay, you are correct, they have the "right" to tell given the circumstances, but I still don't agree that it is the BW's business to do so. It worked for you, that is fine, I still think it is silent's place to tell her H about the A. But that is just my opinion. Further more, silent has already decided what she did was wrong and is now trying to mend her own marriage without MM's W telling her H. Maybe the threat was enough without the actual telling.

 

Sorry for getting off topic silent_cadence. As you can see, there are different opinions on how the situation should be handled, I hope you have found the answers you were looking for. It sounds like you are really trying to do what is best for you and I hope it works out for you in the end.

[child_of_isis]

Of course the OW should tell her H, but will she?

 

As far as their marriage being none of W's business, OW made it W's business when she stepped into the business of W's M.

 

Your logic says it is okay for OW to get involved with W's M, but not okay for W to get involved in OW's M.

 

This is flawed logic.

 

I completely disagree, it is not the W's place to tell the OW's H about the A. Their marriage is none of her business. I believe it is up to the OW to tell her own H and not anyone else. It is not a matter of being played for a fool, in many cases H's and W's suspect it anyway. What if the H is perfectly happy not being told? That happens sometimes too and the W would be intruding on his choice not to be told. Finding out a spouse is having an A is a very private matter to be dealt with in the marriage. A's happen for different reasons and it is the reasons that need to be dealt with IMO. If it happened to me (I am single), I would not want anyone else to know about it. I would rather deal with it privately.

[vanilla chai]

I completely disagree, it is not the W's place to tell the OW's H about the A. Their marriage is none of her business. I believe it is up to the OW to tell her own H and not anyone else. It is not a matter of being played for a fool, in many cases H's and W's suspect it anyway. What if the H is perfectly happy not being told? That happens sometimes too and the W would be intruding on his choice not to be told. Finding out a spouse is having an A is a very private matter to be dealt with in the marriage. A's happen for different reasons and it is the reasons that need to be dealt with IMO. If it happened to me (I am single), I would not want anyone else to know about it. I would rather deal with it privately.

 

It wasn't the ow's business to be in the bw's marriage but she was.

 

When you have an affair with someone elses spouse all bets are off,you can't expect the betrayed to follow some code of conduct.