No sex - need

[jln99]

I really don't know what you should do. Have you suggested counseling or a sex therapist? It's hard because until she's really ready to address the issue then anything you do or say will be pretty much useless. You have to try and make her know how important it is, that it is very serious.

 

I really wish I had a better answer for you.

 

Yes, and thanks for trying. But I've tried EVERYTHING! Its like I'm talking to a brick, there is no answer beyond, "Yes, we need to do something about it!" And then more months and months and months pass by.

 

Well I hope you work out your troubles at home - the best of luck to you. And again, thanks.

[tommyr]

Yes, and thanks for trying. But I've tried EVERYTHING! Its like I'm talking to a brick, there is no answer beyond, "Yes, we need to do something about it!" And then more months and months and months pass by.

 

Well I hope you work out your troubles at home - the best of luck to you. And again, thanks.

 

Search here on LS for my other postings you will see some things I have tried, many of which have actually worked - we went from sexless marriage to now 3.5X per month (almost once per week). Obviously things are not perfect if I am still counting the days so precisely, but we are heading in the right direction.

 

In general the things that have had positive effect are:

1) my own attitude - loving but unmistakably clear that sex WILL be a regular part of my life (preferably involving my current wife)

2) using additional childcare so wife gets a break twice per week

3) wife quit her previous 1 day/week job to be a StayHomeMom (a job she loves)

4) weekly marriage counseling sessions that nearly always hit upon the topic of our sex life

5) focusing on the positive rather than my own desire for consistent sex 2X per week

6) online porn for in between days (the wife does know about this)

 

The downside is this has been a very time consuming and expensive process, with some occasional setbacks when we go 2 weeks between sex. The upside is our marriage has been steadily improving, almost as good as ever.

 

Good luck

[LucreziaBorgia]

Anyone who feels that sex is stupid and unimportant should not object if their spouse does this stupid and unimportant thing with someone else, right?

 

Depends on the woman really. Some women honestly don't care if their husbands have sex with someone else (or at the very least are able to 'look the other way'), as long as it doesn't interfere with the marriage, the lifestyle, and the status quo. It takes the pressure off of them to 'perform'. Now, that said - a good deal of asexual women will still go nuclear if their husbands have sex with someone else. To them, the idea is that you should be able to put aside sex altogether, not transfer sex to someone else. Kind of twisted, but there really are all types out there.

[StayClose]

Now, that said - a good deal of asexual women will still go nuclear if their husbands have sex with someone else. To them, the idea is that you should be able to put aside sex altogether, not transfer sex to someone else. Kind of twisted, but there really are all types out there.

 

A perfect example of self-centered thinking: the strong belief that everyone else should think and feel the same way you do. Self-centered thinking is probably the cause of 90 percent of the misery in the world.

[Topper]

OK, You don't want to cheat and you are at the end of your rope.

don't cheat cheating is being dishonest. Be truthful to your wife tell her you are going to look for a lover. You will be discrete and not throw it in her face. You will do everything you can so that she is not embarrassed by you or your lover.

[Scrivdog]

OK, You don't want to cheat and you are at the end of your rope.

don't cheat cheating is being dishonest. Be truthful to your wife tell her you are going to look for a lover. You will be discrete and not throw it in her face. You will do everything you can so that she is not embarrassed by you or your lover.

Yes, and he'll be ass-raped in divorce court, have his kids taken away and he'll have to move into a 1 bedroom efficiency. Great advice.

[katiebour]

You're right Scrivdog, that does leave hiim open in court.

 

He could:

 

a) divorce her and then have sex with whomever

 

b) commit adultery and hope that the court would find 20+ years of marriage and complete lack of sex for most of them -along with all the efforts he's made to work it out with her- extenuating circumstances

 

c) live with no sex

 

d) find a way to solve her problem

 

He already said that a) is pretty much unthinkable, d) hasn't worked so far, c) is what he's been doing and doesn't want to do it anymore- that basically leaves b).

 

If it were me I would have considered a) long ago. I certainly couldn't stay with someone who didn't care about me enough to fulfill my needs. Hell, a week is too long for me when it comes to going without sex.

[2sunny]

i'm wondering if this is a big way of manipulating him and the feeling of having the upper hand...

 

some women have been known to do that...

[crjames100]

in general, you do not need to cheat. there's nothing wrong with her. in my opinion (and i based that on the thousands and thousands and thousands of men i have helped) you need to focus on 'doing things' that will lead to an increase of how she perceives you in a sexual context. (that's the first step)

 

it's very simple to do.

 

and if you do it the right way, you'll turn things around in no time.

 

in other words, a woman can VALUE YOU & LOVE YOU, but not VALUE YOU in a 'sexual context'..

 

in fact, many women become confused that they are not in the mood very often when they find their husbands 'attractive' - and deep down inside they KNOW they are not broken. they know that their libido is perfectly fine.

 

the specifics isn't as important as the big picture.

 

the first step is increasing your sexual value.

 

the second step is creating sexual tension.

 

both of these can be achieved conversationally, because 'words' shape perception.

 

in other words, a woman can be alone with a guy she perceives as the 'sexiest man in the world' but what would happen if moments before she is about to have sex with him, a friend calls and informs her that 'the guys she is alone with' eats garbage plus he is registered pedophile.

 

most women (especially normal women with a basic set of values) would be turned off (in a 'sexual way'). in other words she would NO LONGER perceive him as sexually valuable - even though she perceives him as physically attractive.

 

so this example, really is used to illustrate how 'sexual value' can be decreased in a matter of seconds. so by natural law, it is possible for your sexual value to INCREASE in a matter of seconds.

 

if you email me, i can send you a free copy of an ebook (that explains the psychology behind building sexual tension).

 

i created for the customers of my book "super sex power" (which shows guys how to increase their sexual value in their relationship). i actually emailed all of my customers this 'customer only' PDF report yesterday (and i got a lot of good feedback on it)...

 

i really believe it will help you. i personally don't want you to cheat - or go outside your marriage for affection in any way. it's more counter-productive, than anything (on so many levels).

 

besides, love making 'really works' (the right way) when you are doing it with someone you love (in my opinion).

 

good luck...

[IpAncA]

Search here on LS for my other postings you will see some things I have tried, many of which have actually worked - we went from sexless marriage to now 3.5X per month (almost once per week). Obviously things are not perfect if I am still counting the days so precisely, but we are heading in the right direction.

 

In general the things that have had positive effect are:

1) my own attitude - loving but unmistakably clear that sex WILL be a regular part of my life (preferably involving my current wife)

2) using additional childcare so wife gets a break twice per week

3) wife quit her previous 1 day/week job to be a StayHomeMom (a job she loves)

4) weekly marriage counseling sessions that nearly always hit upon the topic of our sex life

5) focusing on the positive rather than my own desire for consistent sex 2X per week

6) online porn for in between days (the wife does know about this)

 

The downside is this has been a very time consuming and expensive process, with some occasional setbacks when we go 2 weeks between sex. The upside is our marriage has been steadily improving, almost as good as ever.

 

Good luck

 

Yea! Glad things are showing improvement.

[Mr. Lucky]

in other words, a woman can VALUE YOU & LOVE YOU, but not VALUE YOU in a 'sexual context'..

 

in fact, many women become confused that they are not in the mood very often when they find their husbands 'attractive' - and deep down inside they KNOW they are not broken. they know that their libido is perfectly fine.

Not sure how much of a revelation this is. Much of the feedback in this thread revolves around the fact that some women feel that they are in loving relationships or marriages even though there is no sex. What drives the OP (and others) to post here is that men generally don't feel the same way - unlike their partners, they can't exist without the sexual connection.

 

BTW, welcome to the forum!

 

Mr. Lucky

[reddog63]

I must say that your relationship with your wife sounds very similar to what my marriage used to be.

 

I had the desire and need for sex but (like your wife) had extremely low self esteem. My husband would always tell me how beautiful I was but I just couldn't get it in my head that he was actually telling me the truth and not just saying that so he could get laid. It's a very vicious cycle. Unfortunately it ended with my husband having an affair. I (like your wife seems to think) didn't think he would ever do that to me, in other words "I had him" and that was that. Wrong. He loved me so much but my constantly rejecting him for years finally made him give up. I'm not blaming myself for his actual stepping out of our marriage but I can see why he would do it. I guess someone can only be rejected for so long before they finally give up.

 

Actually, as stupid as it sounds, it wasn't until I was sitting here one night (all alone lurking at LS) after I had kicked him out that I realized how stupid the whole thing was on my behalf. Here I had this husband who loved me dearly, constantly complimented me, yet I pushed him away so far that he eventually did the unthinkable. I read quite a few of the sexless marriage threads (do a search for them) and it was a real eye opener. A lot of people just don't realize how important it is to make your partner feel wanted and desired. I know I didn't. While reading the threads here I put myself in his shoes and it was like a smack across the face. I will never do that to him again.

 

We are now working on our marriage AND sex life and honestly, everything is better than ever. Yes, I still hurt alot due to his affair and we are working on that but I think if we can get over it then we'll be stronger than ever.

 

I'm not telling you to go out and have an affair because that's not the way to solve things but your wife really, really needs to know how important sex is to a marriage if one partner wants it but the other one doesn't care. My husband was not the cheating kind until all of this. He had a woman after him for almost two years until he finally ended up having an affair with her. I don't think he would have ever done what he did if our sex life was the way it should have been.

 

Your wife needs to work on herself as well because I know how hard it is to deal with self esteem issues and no amount of compliments is going to fix her problem. Obviously she didn't always feel this way about herself which is the same way I was. I went through a "slump" and I had to fix that for myself. I won't bore you with the details but I'll say that although there are still lingering insecurities once in awhile, I do feel amazing now. It's shocking how a little bit of self esteem changes things in the bedroom.

 

Anyways, I hope everything works out for you and your wife. It sounds like you really do love each other so hopefully you can fix this before it's too late.

 

This is the part I have a comment about........"I'm not blaming myself for his actual stepping out of our marriage but I can see why he would do it. I guess someone can only be rejected for so long before they finally give up."

 

My only comment is..........why arent you blaming yourself for his stepping out...........the moral police could assign a percentage of the blame for him.......but I think when either spouse so blatantly ignores a spouses need like this one.........soooooo much rejection .......that I would say you ARE more to blame.

 

I am not trying to be mean....really. To me, there are all sorts of reasons why people cheat. Some for sex, some for lack of character. But when I read the stories like this..........when a spouse trys so hard to be loving and yes, sexual...........and the other spouse purposely ignores it........all that hurt of rejection, arguments, etc over years and years...........I think the hurt from that could be greater then that of being cheated on.

[Quest]

"What drives the OP (and others) to post here is that men generally don't feel the same way - unlike their partners, they can't exist without the sexual connection."

 

Generally ... but not always. Having tried to maintain a relationship with a man who had sexual problems he wouldn't address I can vouch for the fact that quite a lot of women can't exist without the sexual connection;).

 

Quite a few of my friends - all attractive, loving women in their thirties - have since told me of being sexually frustrated in relationships with men who wouldn't/couldn't perform.

 

What might be of interest to the OP is that all of them eventually got out of the relationship in question. I got out after offers of support, going to counselling together or separately and a number of long conversations all failed to change things. It hurt like hell but it was the right thing for both of us in the long run.

 

I realised we were sexually incompatible and though I loved this man I couldn't face the rejection and hurt that staying with him would mean. Love does not conquer all, I found out ... certainly not a frustrated libido. But I suppose it all boils down to how important sex is to the OP.

[StayClose]

OK, You don't want to cheat and you are at the end of your rope.

don't cheat cheating is being dishonest. Be truthful to your wife tell her you are going to look for a lover. You will be discrete and not throw it in her face. You will do everything you can so that she is not embarrassed by you or your lover.

 

A better option would be an honest conversation in which you state that sex IS important to you, and that you will initiate a divorce is the issue isn't resolved satisfactorly. It is likely that she will be more willing to go to counseling sessions and discover & resolve what is interfering with her libido. If she's still not willing to fix it, then you have to follow through with the divorce (unless she gives you permission to have an affair).

 

Threatening to have an affair may be seen by her as a betrayal just one step short of actually having an affair, making it more difficilt to actually fix the marriage, assuming that's what you really want to do. And if it does lead to divorce, infedelity is seen as a greater sein than "denial of affection."

 

On another note, therpists who work with sexless marraiges say that about half the time, it is the woman who complains that there's not enough sex. So generizations men viewing sex one way and women viewing it another really aren't accurate.

[ntocitilop]

You may want to read this article, then show your wife. http://www.mensconfraternity.org.au/?page=p79

 

I have a problem that is unavoidable. Let me say one thing, neither my wife nor I suffer from a lack of interest or libido. The problem is that my wife suffers from a couple of medical problems that makes sex too painful, even just me putting my arm around her can send her through the roof. She has Fibromyalgia so badly she has at times considered suicide and Endomitriosis. Both very painful and both came on after 4 years of marriage. I showed my wife the article because after 12 years of suffering for me, I started to have anxiety attacks. I knew my wife loved me and I do love her and would never abandon her with her illnesses. She showed alot of love and bravery to give me permission to seek out a lover outside the marriage. I still have not taken her up but that is about to change. Good luck...I feel your pain...really I do.

[FireandIce]

This is the part I have a comment about........"I'm not blaming myself for his actual stepping out of our marriage but I can see why he would do it. I guess someone can only be rejected for so long before they finally give up."

 

My only comment is..........why arent you blaming yourself for his stepping out...........the moral police could assign a percentage of the blame for him.......but I think when either spouse so blatantly ignores a spouses need like this one.........soooooo much rejection .......that I would say you ARE more to blame.

 

I am not trying to be mean....really. To me, there are all sorts of reasons why people cheat. Some for sex, some for lack of character. But when I read the stories like this..........when a spouse trys so hard to be loving and yes, sexual...........and the other spouse purposely ignores it........all that hurt of rejection, arguments, etc over years and years...........I think the hurt from that could be greater then that of being cheated on.

 

 

Why am I not totally blaming myself? Because he's an adult and he had a choice. He didn't have to go out of the marriage then come home and act as though nothing is going on. In fact when I suggested we go and talk to someone he didn't think we had a problem. Yet it was a big enough problem for him to go out and have an affair. So yeah, I place most of the blame on him.

 

Yes, our sex life was horrible but that still doesn't excuse him for what he did. I said that I can see why he'd do it but that still doesn't give him the power to have an affair and destroy any trust in him that I used to have. It's definitely not the way to work on a sexless marriage.

 

I also don't believe that being rejected by your spouse is even worse than being cheated on. Even when you're not having sex often it's not like there's no love shown to the other person. When a spouse goes out and has an affair IMO it's the ultimate betrayal. It not only affects your marriage, it affects the way you view trust in general.

 

Honestly, it's very tough in either situation but IMO if I were the one being rejected (and if it had nothing to do with my spouse being attracted to someone else or not being attracted to me) then I would do everything in my power to fix the problem. Especially if that spouse rejecting me was suggesting that we get help.