smoothie Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I’ve been with my boyfriend for 10 months now and I am still crazy about him. When we first got together he confessed to me that he has cheated on every girlfriend he has ever had but he wanted a fresh start so he wanted to be honest with me from the beginning incase I heard anything about his past etc. So it took me a while to decide to stick with him he tells me that he feels things are different (of course any guy would say that thought right?). His step mom has mentioned to me that she also thinks this relationship is different from any other one he has ever had – that meant a lot to me coming from her. But I keep wondering – why? Why is this relationship different? What makes me different from his past girlfriends? What makes me so special that he won’t cheat on me just like he has in the past? We are still a young couple. I am 20 – he is 21. My longest relationship I got into when I was only 16 and we were together for 2.5 years – no breakups or anything throughout the relationship. His longest relationship was about 8 months or so but I think it may have been off and on. Anyways, one day we were walking into his house when his crazy ex girlfriend from across the street (not the 8 month long one) comes running out – drunk. She starts telling me that I'm an ugly whore and I'm so stupid because my boyfriend is cheating on me with her etc… Obviously this coming from his drunk ex girlfriend shouldn’t bother me, but given his past… I wasn’t going to just forget about it so it kind of stuck with me but I didn’t make a big deal about it. So then this crazy girl starts dating a guy that I know and they break up – she tells him that she cheated on him with MY boyfriend. This is getting a bit confusing I'm sure but it makes sense! So I hear about this and question my boyfriend and he says no nothing has happened – he hasn’t cheated on me. I got him and his ex together because I wanted to have a 3-way conversation to get everything out in the open once and for all… They both said no nothing happened… The Ex girlfriend thought that we had gotten together before we actually had… So she THOUGHT she had hooked up with my boyfriend while we were together when we were in fact NOT dating yet. Soooooo time went by and everything was fine… let me just jump to the problem we had last night. How many people have Facebook? You won’t know what I am talking about if you do not have it. Anyway, he had received a private message and I asked him “Oh, who sent you a private message?” and he just closed the window and said it was nothing. Look a little suspicious or am I blowing it way out of proportion. I felt that he was hiding something from me. Maybe there was something in that message he didn’t want me to see or something. If it is nothing – why wouldn’t he just show it to me? I understand he was trying to make a point that I should just trust him and then I wouldn’t have to see the message but it is really hard to trust someone when they make themselves look guilty. What can I do to make myself not jump to conclusions and seek reassurance?
Krytellan Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 What can I do to make myself not jump to conclusions and seek reassurance? Honestly? Try dating a guy that you can actually trust and respect. Whether he cheated with the ex or not, what you describe has the makings of a troublesome and childish dynamic. Yeah, rise above it. You sound so much better than this situation. There really are normal people out there. You're so young, don't be so willing to tie down with someone you have no reason to trust. If you commit now, you may be married and miserable when you reach your 30's. That's when the real love starts.
Author smoothie Posted June 8, 2007 Author Posted June 8, 2007 I’ve let my infatuation with him get in the way though – we probably shouldn’t be together, but I cannot bring myself to end the relationship. I care about him so much and I don’t want to let him go. Honestly? Try dating a guy that you can actually trust and respect. Whether he cheated with the ex or not, what you describe has the makings of a troublesome and childish dynamic. Yeah, rise above it. You sound so much better than this situation. There really are normal people out there. You're so young, don't be so willing to tie down with someone you have no reason to trust. If you commit now, you may be married and miserable when you reach your 30's. That's when the real love starts.
Star Gazer Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Try dating a guy that you can actually trust and respect. Have to agree with you AGAIN Krytie. (It's much easier to agree with you when I'm not on the receiving end of your advice. )
norajane Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 He may say your relationship is different from his previous ones (you're not a crazy, drunk girlfriend, are you?), but that does not mean HE is any different from the person he was when he was cheating, nor does it mean he is doing anything differently from when he was a cheater. Specifically, in his past he has gotten used to lying and hiding things from his girlfriends. He has formed a pattern of having sex with women he wants to have sex with regardless of how it might hurt his girlfriend and the relationship. He has a pattern of disrespecting his girlfriends. He has a pattern of cheating instead of dealing with relationship problems (if relationship problems were in some way what led him to cheat). He has a pattern of cheating instead of ending things. Just saying this relationship with you is different isn't really enough. What has he done to unlearn those patterns? What has he done to change his patterns? Is he still putting himself into the middle of temptation? And what do you know about his cheating? Did he go out with friends, get drunk, and hook up with girls? Is he still in the habit of going out with those friends and getting drunk? Did he frequently go to parties without his girlfriends and hook up with girls there? Is he still going to parties without you? Did he befriend girls online and cheat with them? Is he still befriending girls online through Facebook? When he cheated, did he do it with his exes? Is he still hanging out with his exes? Do you see what I mean? If he hasn't changed anything in his normal behavior, then even if he intends to be faithful, he very well might not be doing a single thing to actually prevent it, so all you have to rely on is that he will actually say no when in the past he has not said no.
Italiana Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Dont put all your eggs in his basket... (if u know what i mean) you are aware of his past...this is a good thing because as long as you are aware you can guard your heart a little Just keep an eye out for any more clues... the lies will eventually show themselves. keep it cool for now b/c if nothing is going on you dont want to like you dont trust him. just remember the ex is a hater cause ur with him and she's not... she obviously still has feelings for him. i just hope that he's not playing you both stay strong;)
Krytellan Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Sorry to hijack... Have to agree with you AGAIN Krytie. (It's much easier to agree with you when I'm not on the receiving end of your advice. ) If I ever came off as harsh in my opinions to you, it was because I felt so strongly about what I was saying... and probably could have chosen better language :love: OK, back on topic
Butterflying Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 He may say your relationship is different from his previous ones (you're not a crazy, drunk girlfriend, are you?), but that does not mean HE is any different from the person he was when he was cheating, nor does it mean he is doing anything differently from when he was a cheater. Specifically, in his past he has gotten used to lying and hiding things from his girlfriends. He has formed a pattern of having sex with women he wants to have sex with regardless of how it might hurt his girlfriend and the relationship. He has a pattern of disrespecting his girlfriends. He has a pattern of cheating instead of dealing with relationship problems (if relationship problems were in some way what led him to cheat). He has a pattern of cheating instead of ending things. Just saying this relationship with you is different isn't really enough. What has he done to unlearn those patterns? What has he done to change his patterns? Is he still putting himself into the middle of temptation? And what do you know about his cheating? Did he go out with friends, get drunk, and hook up with girls? Is he still in the habit of going out with those friends and getting drunk? Did he frequently go to parties without his girlfriends and hook up with girls there? Is he still going to parties without you? Did he befriend girls online and cheat with them? Is he still befriending girls online through Facebook? When he cheated, did he do it with his exes? Is he still hanging out with his exes? Do you see what I mean? If he hasn't changed anything in his normal behavior, then even if he intends to be faithful, he very well might not be doing a single thing to actually prevent it, so all you have to rely on is that he will actually say no when in the past he has not said no. This is the best advice ever! I couldn't have said it better myself. If people followed this advice in terms of all relationship changes, then we wouldn't be so troubled and confused.
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