Cyndik003 Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Ok here goes. I'm a 20 yo female, dating a 21 yo male. we started to get serious in December of 06 to where we were hanging out every day and text messaging, etc. Then he asked me out on New Year's. We have been dating ever since. And living together since the end of Jan. Now he didnt work for about 3 months, and we just lived off savings and such b/c i am in school. And we lived with roommates, so it wasnt just us per se. Well, we recently moved into a place of our own about a week ago, and are having furniture delivered today. Ever since he started this job (as a manager of a subway store) he has been acting strange. However,he also tells me he is tired and its been really hard for him starting on at a Subway where they dont hire managers outside of the store... They usually promote within, and for his first 30 days, he cant tell anyone he is a manager, So he is ending his frist week there today. here is the problem He seems really distant, and therefore I get really insecure. Last night a girl from his work texted him asking if he was thinking about her, and he swore up and down that he didnt give his number out to anyone and that it was probably just someone from work wanting to switch a shift or something, and that she got his number from the call listed posted at work. Well, i asked the girl who she was and reminded her that he had a gf and then she stopped messing around... But anyway, things just seem different. Am I blowing things out of proportion and putting too much stress on him? Could it just be the stress of work and the stress of the financial situation? Or should I be worried? I find myself reading into every little detail in his text messages like a message that says I love you, and love ya in the same message, or going nuts wondering if he really had to stay that hour and a half late to make party subs... Last night we were talking about his family camping trip and how it was a "we" thing, and he wanted me to come, and today I'm going with him to his brothers high school graduation. Yesterday was a wreck. I know I made a mistake of bombarding him with questions and wanting reassurances... immature and bad, I know. Do you think a relationship can overcome this? How do i get rid of the gnawing pain in my stomach? I just want to be back to normal. Thanks for any and all help! I truly appreciate it.
Krytellan Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Always trust your gut. I have made the mistake of letting someone convince me that what I felt was wrong, when I was right the whole time. If something feels wrong, there's probably a reason.
Star Gazer Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Always trust your gut. I have made the mistake of letting someone convince me that what I felt was wrong, when I was right the whole time. If something feels wrong, there's probably a reason. Amen! Instinct usually proves accurate.
oppath Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 My gut has never lied. It hasn't told me WHAT is up, but it's always been dead on when SOMETHING was up. Always. All you can control is how you express your concerns. Be assertive without accusation if possible and don't accept blank reassurances. For example, "I feel you haven't been quite yourself lately and I'm concerned. Is everything ok in your life?" This gives him a chance to discuss anything on his mind, and you can then follow up with "I feel x and I need y (i.e. consistency)". Often, when something IS UP, the lyer/cheater/whatever will blame it on their partner being insecure, jealous, possessive, paranoid, etc. I've learned to recognize this a a further sign that something is up, because a truly loving partner would meet me halfway, and say "I understand why you feel that way and I'll try to be better at xyz. Thanks for letting me know your feelings." When someone is doing something wrong and disrespectful behind their partners back of course they try to cover it up; they don't want to be the bad person. This is one thing I will watch for in future relationships...does the woman lie to spare peoples' feelings, friends or ex boyfriends, etc, because if she's done it to others, she will do it to me, and I don't want a relationship with someone who has a pattern of lying to those she is close to, even small white lies via omission of details.
norajane Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I would have said you were probably making too much of things, as starting a new job is incredibly stressful. However... Last night a girl from his work texted him asking if he was thinking about her, and he swore up and down that he didnt give his number out to anyone and that it was probably just someone from work wanting to switch a shift or something, and that she got his number from the call listed posted at work....THIS makes no sense at all. A girl who texts asking if he's thinking about her does not at all sound like someone from work asking about shift changes. Nope. His explanation sounds like a lie. And if he's lying, there is something that he is hiding. Maybe she's interested in him, but he isn't in her. But he could have told you that if that were the case. To me, it sounds like there has been some flirting going on at work. Keep your eyes and ears open. Go to that Subway for lunch one day and meet this girl.
Aloros Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I agree 100% with norajane. A statement like that, followed by pretty obvious lying as to its intent looks like a big red flag to me. If the interest was just one way (she was pursuing him, he wasn't interested in her), I feel like he would have been up front about that. And staying late for work? Another red flag. I'd definitely second norajane's suggestion to just "surprise!" stop by some time while they're working to grab some lunch. Get a feel for the situation and their interactions. I mean, it could be nothing. It could be a little flirtation which he's since put a stop to. But even if this were the case, he should have been honest and up front with you about it.
Author Cyndik003 Posted June 8, 2007 Author Posted June 8, 2007 *** the girl from the text messages actually said (which i saw b/c i had the phone the whole time) that she was going camping this month and needed to find someone to cover her shift for the 22nd. She also asked him if he was thinking about bread and then called him a perv jokingly. Apparently according to him, his co-workers said that when you start at subway you have dreams about the bread and veggies then once your accustomed to it, the dreams stop. She also said she was not aware he had a gf, and backed off. Am i still right on or am i reading too much into it all. As far as staying at work late... i guess you have to do a count out of all the cups. bread, and money in the store before you leave, so i know that takes some time, and yesterday he went in an hour later than usual and stayed an hour and a half later than usual, because there was catering being done...??? So truly it would only really be a half hour later than his normal 8 hrs.***
Krytellan Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 *** the girl from the text messages actually said.....*** OK, this can really go on as long as you want. I just want to interject here and say that you are doing a lot of explaining, but are you sitting back and listening to what people (mostly women) are saying here? Don't try so hard to explain that you forget to see or hear. It's very easy to do though, I understand. We often don't want to accept what we think is true.
norajane Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 *** the girl from the text messages actually said (which i saw b/c i had the phone the whole time) that she was going camping this month and needed to find someone to cover her shift for the 22nd. She also asked him if he was thinking about bread and then called him a perv jokingly. Apparently according to him, his co-workers said that when you start at subway you have dreams about the bread and veggies then once your accustomed to it, the dreams stop. She also said she was not aware he had a gf, and backed off. Am i still right on or am i reading too much into it all. As far as staying at work late... i guess you have to do a count out of all the cups. bread, and money in the store before you leave, so i know that takes some time, and yesterday he went in an hour later than usual and stayed an hour and a half later than usual, because there was catering being done...??? So truly it would only really be a half hour later than his normal 8 hrs.*** Ok, I have to revise my opinion. Wtih the complete text info, I think you are making too much of it. Her main reason for contact was to ask about the shift change. Then she added a little flirtation, but that does not in any way make your bf a liar or that he's hiding anything. She might have been flirting and interested, but she backed off when she knew he had a gf, so I wouldn't even put any blame on her for being inappropriate. So, I don't think you need to bitch at your bf about this. And I'll reiterate that starting a new job is a very stressful time, and if his responsibilities are such that he has to stay late to prepare food for parties, then that's the nature of his job. One of my friends used to manage a Blockbuster store, and you can't even believe what he had to do after closing every night. Next time he has to work late, go over there with a cup of coffee, a smile and a kiss, so he can see you are supportive and sympathetic.
Walk Posted June 9, 2007 Posted June 9, 2007 Just curious, but do you have a job too? (wondering if he's sole bill payer right now until you get a job, or if you're both working. Its really stressful to know your paycheck is the ONLY means of keeping a roof over your head.) Anyway, I don't think you're bf is cheating. I also wanted to reiterate a point Oppath made about asking your bf about what's going on in his head right now. It could help your situation if you talked to your bf about how he's feeling, and maybe discussed ways in which you could help support him... and then discuss how you're feeling and options he could take to help you feel more secure with the change. If he is doing something inappropriate, then no matter how well you articulate your concerns, he'll turn it into you being insecure and crazy. And don't attack him with your feelings, (ie: I feel insecure, and it's your fault because...) or you'll get the same response.
oppath Posted June 9, 2007 Posted June 9, 2007 I think my last relationship partially ended because I expressed my insecurities too forcefully. Now, something did go on, her ex was trying to gt her back, and it no doubt contributed to her acting distant, which I felt, but it's so tough when you feel like something is up to communicate calmly. When my gut says something is amiss, something is amiss. But it might be "my dad's cancer might be coming back" or something not related to the relationship that the person needs some time to process (though they should communicate it to their SO). Use I feel statements, don't blame, give the person a chance to express themselves. If their response is not reassuring, there's not much you can do other than say "I'm not feeling reassured by that. I need you to be more communicative and with me because I feel some distance."
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