I think I know the problem here

[Krytellan]

I have read yet another thread about something that I don't understand, and could never imagine happening. It happened to be BonneKarma's post about wanting a man who was active in the bedroom. I read it and think to myself that I could never imagine being like the men she referred to, but I feel this way about a lot of threads, and it got me to thinking.

 

Is it possible that the men and women on LS just come from different playing fields. Meaning, is it possible that the men who are active on LS are just nothing like the men that the LS women have experience with, and the LS women are just nothing like the men have ever had experiences with?

 

There just seems to be such a gap in beliefs across genders here. Maybe the women here are just the kind that the men are looking for but have never had, and vice versa.

 

I'll stop short of proposing a LoveShack "love connection".

[DanielMadr]

I have read yet another thread about something that I don't understand, and could never imagine happening. It happened to be BonneKarma's post about wanting a man who was active in the bedroom. I read it and think to myself that I could never imagine being like the men she referred to, but I feel this way about a lot of threads, and it got me to thinking.

 

Is it possible that the men and women on LS just come from different playing fields. Meaning, is it possible that the men who are active on LS are just nothing like the men that the LS women have experience with, and the LS women are just nothing like the men have ever had experiences with?

 

There just seems to be such a gap in beliefs across genders here. Maybe the women here are just the kind that the men are looking for but have never had, and vice versa.

 

I'll stop short of proposing a LoveShack "love connection".

 

Opinions are for free. If people behave according to their opinions is another tale.

 

And LS is not a place for success strories. So all you can hear are problems. Even the insignificant problems are blown to enourmous proportions. And expectations are sometimes unrealistic. World is not perfect.

[serial muse]

Well...I think the people who come here (men and women) are (generally) here because they're willing to be introspective and think about what their partner might want and feel.

 

Sadly, every now and then posts come up that say thoughtless or even cruel things about the other gender out of misdirected anger, bitterness and frustration - and without realizing, perhaps, that people are actually listening and might be bothered by it. That is really unfortunate, particularly because in some ways I think people on LS have more in common than not.

[laRubiaBonita]

well i think the LS men are in general different than "RL men". even most of the LS women.

 

because we are on LS looking to solve a probelm, be it our own or someone elses. i think that is the major difference between us and them.

we are more likely to be receptive of advice or ideas, we are more likely to address issues that are bothering us, we are more likely to communicate....

and all this practice does help us in RL relationships.

[BonneKarma]

Just the other day someone at work mentioned a study they'd read stating that couples who have an 'online connection' initially have a higher success ratio - or something like that. I have to get to work or else I'd poke around and try to find some supporting data.

 

The point was made that because the initial connection is made in such a way, the couple are much more comfortable being themselves and will be more honest about what they're looking for, what their hang ups are, etc. it's just open and honest communication in the beginning. When they do finally get together they have that head start and it leads to better communication throughout the relationship.

 

Now of course I'm not talking about the online game players, etc. but people who are willing to feel safe and be themselves....

 

Just thought I'd throw that into the discussions since it seems to apply.

[Storyrider]

Just the other day someone at work mentioned a study they'd read stating that couples who have an 'online connection' initially have a higher success ratio - or something like that. I have to get to work or else I'd poke around and try to find some supporting data.

 

The point was made that because the initial connection is made in such a way, the couple are much more comfortable being themselves and will be more honest about what they're looking for, what their hang ups are, etc. it's just open and honest communication in the beginning. When they do finally get together they have that head start and it leads to better communication throughout the relationship.

 

Now of course I'm not talking about the online game players, etc. but people who are willing to feel safe and be themselves....

 

Just thought I'd throw that into the discussions since it seems to apply.

I wonder how it affects things that the first impression is of the person's thoughts and written expression rather than of their appearance (assuming you don't see a pic first)?

[tanbark813]

I definitely think there's something to this. There's been many times I've read generalizations about men on here and I think to myself, "Where the f**k is this coming from?" Another thing that I find odd is that my closest circle of friends are all good people and I've told them on occasion about LS but none of them really have any interest in it. Even a good friend who was having some relationship problems didn't really jump at the suggestion to post here. I think it takes a certain type of person to be interested in participating in a forum like this.

[Lizzie60]

I have read yet another thread about something that I don't understand, and could never imagine happening. It happened to be BonneKarma's post about wanting a man who was active in the bedroom. I read it and think to myself that I could never imagine being like the men she referred to, but I feel this way about a lot of threads, and it got me to thinking.

 

Is it possible that the men and women on LS just come from different playing fields. Meaning, is it possible that the men who are active on LS are just nothing like the men that the LS women have experience with, and the LS women are just nothing like the men have ever had experiences with?

 

There just seems to be such a gap in beliefs across genders here. Maybe the women here are just the kind that the men are looking for but have never had, and vice versa.

 

I'll stop short of proposing a LoveShack "love connection".

 

I was thinking about the same thing this morning... LOL

 

I don't want to generalize here but I find that most women on LS are much much open-minded than the men.

 

I am apalled to read posts from men sometimes... it is sooooo narrow-minded that I have to read it twice to make sure I read it right.

 

I have a feeling that women on LS are more 'honest' about their feelings and more 'careful' about how they post, they are more 'caring' about others' feelings.

 

I even thought at some point that some 'men' are women in reality... I know it sounds weird but I often feel that, when I read a post from a guy, that it is written the way a woman would feel about the 'problem'...

 

I don't know, maybe it's just me but this is how I feel... or maybe I'm TOO open-minded... I'm not sure.. LOL

 

Some guys are amazing though and I enjoy reading their posts.

 

This is my opinion and it wasn't to offend anyone.

[serial muse]

Hm, Lizzie, I don't think that's what Krytellan was saying - I think he's saying that LS at least appears to contain more giving women and men than you might encounter in the general community. I agree that it seems to be true, but I think there's also truth to Daniel's post that one's written opinion is different from one's actions.

 

Anyway, what I think and posted above is similar to what Tanbark said - that even the interest in taking the time to post on a place like LS acts as a natural filter. The one thing we all have in common is that we're interested in taking that time and reading those thoughts; so in a sense, we're not a true cross-section of society, but a somewhat filtered one.

 

Of course, there are also the shouty people who want to make the forum into a soapbox for their personal agendas and anger, but all that sturm und drang is just coming from a few folks relative to the majority of LS long-timers.

 

Edited to add: hey, I crossed the 1,000 post mark and I didn't even realize it!!!

[Star Gazer]

Anyway, what I think and posted above is similar to what Tanbark said - that even the interest in taking the time to post on a place like LS acts as a natural filter. The one thing we all have in common is that we're interested in taking that time and reading those thoughts; so in a sense, we're not a true cross-section of society, but a somewhat filtered one.

 

Of course, there are also the shouty people who want to make the forum into a soapbox for their personal agendas and anger, but all that sturm und drang is just coming from a few folks relative to the majority of LS long-timers.

 

 

TB's point (and yours) was a good one. It does take a different personality type of engage in this forum (at least those of us who make a conscious effort to understand and help, rather than b*tch, moan, and bash). When trying to understand the male's perspective, I tune out the bashers and focus in on the dudes I know to have given pretty damn good, rational advice. The time and effort they take to post and respond to strangers in the hopes of learning about themselves, the opposite sex, and the dynamics of different relationships is not a common characteristic found in most men I don't think. Most men I know in 'real life' are stuck on their own viewpoints, and not really interested in what anyone else has to say.

 

But at the same time, as Daniel pointed out, those of us who are taking the time to learn here and help others don't always take their own advice when living out our lives. Our actions don't match our words. I'm guilty of this recently.

[Art_Critic]

or maybe I'm TOO open-minded..

 

It is all relative..

 

Even an open minded person can be close minded..

For example..If an open minded person was on a web board saying that the men posting are more closed minded than the women posting then I might think that person was not as open minded as they might think..

 

When a person doesn't consider both points of view as being accurate because they are being brought forward from each persons individual experince then they are being closed minded.

[Trialbyfire]

I also agree with TBs comment of taking a certain kind of person to post on LS although I will add that there are all kinds of certain kinds.

[polywog]

I'm always kind of fascinated by the "closed minded" people who keep posting here (and though I find more men, there are women as well). My thought is that if they hang out here, there must be some part of them that is "open" to the more thoughtful and compassionate advice that makes up the bulk of the posts.

[Krytellan]

So then we need to have a LS convention so that all of the great guys here (that can't understand how you ladies can have men that act the way that you describe) and all of the great ladies (that insist that money and status are not the most important thing and that it's integrity and personality that matter most) can get together and facilitate whatever connections might be possible.

 

I know, I know... it's just a shame that all of these people have to go without when their perfect match might be just one the other side of the internet.

 

I think we would all agree that I wish that men and women's thoughts and actions as a whole more closely resembled the way in which they are represented here.

[sb129]

I love it here. This place has really helped me put alot of my opinions into perspective, and its comforting to know there ARE good people out there, and there are also many people out there who have had the same experiences (or sadly sometimes worse) as you.

 

There are a few differences of opinion, but that keeps us on our toes!!!

 

Wonderboy isn't really that interested in it, but he repsects my interest, and he has helped me write a few posts for the spirituality forums.

[Star Gazer]

So then we need to have a LS convention....

 

This brings me to another thought. In a random thread a few weeks ago, people were discussing who they'd want to meet from LS in person. Surprisingly, most people said they wouldn't want to meet anyone - that they preferred the anonymity. I think that there's something to that. This makes me think that the guys who are open here on LS probably aren't so awesome in the real world (with one or two exceptions ). Perhaps the trick to obtaining world peace is finding a way to get the level of communication that happens here to translate to the 'real world.'

[tanbark813]

This makes me think that the guys who are open here on LS probably aren't so awesome in the real world (with one or two exceptions ).

 

I'm better in the real world. I'm all 3-D n' sh*t.

[oppath]

I think we're all guilty of asking for advice here, but not listening to the advice given, though we'd give the exact same advice to someone else! When emotions and anxiety are present, this is what happens, as we convince ourselves that doing something (or nothing) will relieve the anxiety, but people capable of thinking and behaving rationally, outside the box, know it won't necessarily help. My feel is that most of the women here, and many of the men, are really empathetic people, who desire to grow as individuals and within relationships. Sometimes, emotions are so strong some men appear not as strong or not as cool as the women; our egos are fragile beasts and since we can't talk about some of these things to our friends without looking weak, we vent here. It's not until after the pain has subsided that we're truly capable of reading others' posts and offering insight and guidance.

 

It's interesting to track people from the breaking up, to coping, and finally to dating forums. Usually the people just entering the dating forum present themselves (male and female) as insecure or somewhat flawed, but as they get their feet wet and become cool with being single and not mourning their old relationship, their attitudes and posts change. It's fun to track back some people's posts and see their journey.

 

I do feel that many men here have many of the qualities the women here desire; but the point was made, we mostly hear about problems, so you'll hear both genders who faced similar situations and they can express what is and is not acceptable; they do share common values because they were both on the receiving end of being ****ed over, and later not wanting to be in the same position, or hurt someone else, etc. The people who post here mostly have integrity and believe in honesty. You find them here, because they want to better themselves and their lives.

[Trimmer]

I have a feeling that women on LS are more 'honest' about their feelings and more 'careful' about how they post, they are more 'caring' about others' feelings.

 

I even thought at some point that some 'men' are women in reality... I know it sounds weird but I often feel that, when I read a post from a guy, that it is written the way a woman would feel about the 'problem'...

But wait a minute, aren't you just describing an ingrained bias you have in reading posts? Your assumption that the women are more honest and careful has now become so entrenched that when you read mens' posts that don't support that assumption, instead of accepting them as evidence that you should balance your assumption back closer to the center, your instinct is to disregard them as falsified postings.

 

And no offense taken, I just think this is an excellent example of something called "confirmation bias" in psychology circles...

[sb129]

This brings me to another thought. In a random thread a few weeks ago, people were discussing who they'd want to meet from LS in person. Surprisingly, most people said they wouldn't want to meet anyone - that they preferred the anonymity. I think that there's something to that. This makes me think that the guys who are open here on LS probably aren't so awesome in the real world (with one or two exceptions ). Perhaps the trick to obtaining world peace is finding a way to get the level of communication that happens here to translate to the 'real world.'

 

I want to meet a few people on here. I think a few of us would have a blinder of a night out!

 

Trimmer, the amount of open and honest men on here is great.

[LoveLace]

What Lizzie said jumped out at me...at times I, too, read posts assuming it's a woman discussing man...only to found out towards the end it is actually a man discussing a woman. My thoughts are, wow, this guy really loves her, he's really trying hard, and I think its more ballsy for a guy to come here or anywhere for advice for that matter, as men seem to have a natural tendency to try and be self-problem solvers. Not to sound mean, but a lot of men I know would consider something like LS not very "manly"...of course I'm talking about the emotionally unavailable, insensitive ones!

 

I seriously feel that writing on LS has made a difference in the way I communicate in RL. I consider advice that I'm given, yet I stick to my own mind and act on what I want to do anyway. I think that I personally seek and give opinions, more than advice. The problem is, when someone tells us something we don't want to hear, we try and debate it, but if we're told exactly what we WANT to hear, we still don't believe it, and still need more assurance. Because although people here have very good and wise things to say in response to our detailed stories...we still don't know each other, nor are we actually in each others lives, which would enable ut to see what's going on with our eyes.

[Lizzie60]

But wait a minute, aren't you just describing an ingrained bias you have in reading posts? Your assumption that the women are more honest and careful has now become so entrenched that when you read mens' posts that don't support that assumption, instead of accepting them as evidence that you should balance your assumption back closer to the center, your instinct is to disregard them as falsified postings.

 

And no offense taken, I just think this is an excellent example of something called "confirmation bias" in psychology circles...

 

I know it's hard for me to explain this..but what I meant is that I often find the posts from men (not all men here) are just 'over the top' and arrogant... therefore narrow-minded.

 

I find most (not all) women are more 'sensitive' to others therefore taking care to write in a diplomatic way...

 

These are not assumptions, these are feelings I have from time to time from posts I read...nothing more. I know how to distinguish arrogance (sarcasm) and honesty... and I am not saying that what they are posting is false...

 

Maybe we're just misunderstanding each other... not sure. I guess I wasn't clear..

[Lizzie60]

What Lizzie said jumped out at me...at times I, too, read posts assuming it's a woman discussing man...only to found out towards the end it is actually a man discussing a woman. My thoughts are, wow, this guy really loves her, he's really trying hard, and I think its more ballsy for a guy to come here or anywhere for advice for that matter, as men seem to have a natural tendency to try and be self-problem solvers. Not to sound mean, but a lot of men I know would consider something like LS not very "manly"...of course I'm talking about the emotionally unavailable, insensitive ones!

 

I seriously feel that writing on LS has made a difference in the way I communicate in RL. I consider advice that I'm given, yet I stick to my own mind and act on what I want to do anyway. I think that I personally seek and give opinions, more than advice. The problem is, when someone tells us something we don't want to hear, we try and debate it, but if we're told exactly what we WANT to hear, we still don't believe it, and still need more assurance. Because although people here have very good and wise things to say in response to our detailed stories...we still don't know each other, nor are we actually in each others lives, which would enable ut to see what's going on with our eyes.

 

It is confusing sometimes, especially when a poster is fairly new.

 

I also consider the advices given here... but I make my own mind about what I want and what I need for myself... there is so much more in our personal life than the little bits and pieces we post.

 

It is also the first time for me that I see so many men on a 'relationship' forum... and just like you, a lot of men I know would say that men who spend a lot of time on this kind of forums are 'losers' who can't get a woman, but I like the 'male' point of view... that's why I appreciate this site.... plus I loooove men! LOL

[alphamale]

the only two commonalities I've found about people on LS is that they may be 1) smarter than average, and 2) more computer/internet savvy than average.

[ilmw]

well i think the LS men are in general different than "RL men". even most of the LS women.

 

because we are on LS looking to solve a probelm, be it our own or someone elses. i think that is the major difference between us and them.

we are more likely to be receptive of advice or ideas, we are more likely to address issues that are bothering us, we are more likely to communicate....

and all this practice does help us in RL relationships.

 

I agree with you totally.. I would never have dreamed to come on a forum like this before.. I thought it was a stupid idea... and a waist of time.. but because of events that happened in my life.... I had to break out of the box... so to speak... I used what ever resources I could find. I needed help... and I found it on LS.

 

I learned and was given the opportunity to learn.. about me... about others.. and so many other things to. I can honestly say... that coming on LS and posting.. has change my life to a certain degree.

 

I opened up on here.. and so have I in RL. No longer do I keep the crap inside... I express it now in healthy ways.

 

So.. thankyou LS... and to all the posters who have helped... and to all I have posted to, and given advise.. I hope I was able to help you to...