Scale of one to ten...

[Zona76]

Do you mean he is a racist? But you're not black, right?

I would say he is racist. The avatar is me.

It's just the one thing I don't like about him.

[Jolene]

But this is my biggest concern. Why are you so scared he'll leave you? And when did you start to feel afraid he might because that fear was there before he ever said the word "divorce." Would you care to talk about that?

 

Before we were married, we had a big argument. He withdrew from me and would not talk to me. Just like that. I thought it was for a small reason and that is what floored me...I was afraid because something that most normal people would dismiss was a huge deal for him.

 

Which brings me to the update: hang on for dear life, people!

 

When he got home, he was mildly agreeable and we seemed okay. Next day, he found out I emailed his dad. Was not a horrible email, but just my side of the story and that I was vouching to keep my husband home for just one night for his health and our happiness. bla bla bla...well, my husband was bewildered with that knowlege and told me he can't fix it, can't bring me to family events anymore and is very unhappy and wanted so much for his family to like me. He said he loves me and it's so awful he doesn't know what to do. He even said he can't take me to his mother's funeral or any other family event. (He cannot stand the thought that his family dislikes me after this...not "helping out" and then the email, which was not bad until my husband confesses HE LIED ABOUT TELLING HIS DAD ANYTHING, AND HE LIED ABOUT HIS SISTER BANISHING ME). So the email message only confused matters and the father's response "do not sent any more emails as we will not respond" was a bit on the a-hole side.

 

Okay, so now we have a situation on our hands. My husband does not tell me he is angry or that my inaction will bear huge consequences. He lies to me the next day and tells me he said all of these things to his family, etc. Then, we both look like idiots when his dad and sister get my defensive email.

 

It matters to my husband so much what his family thinks because he admits being dependent on them. He goes running when they ask for help because he thinks they will return his favours some day in the long off future when he needs money or when he is sick. But he is delusional since his sister never visits him, always asks him for favours and takes his money. His dad will not be around to assist in the long run since he is already 65. So, I pointed out to my husband that I am here for him financially and I will be the one to take care of him when he is sick and that we should focus on our marriage and not on what other people or family members think. But it distresses him beyond belief what his family thinks of me. He says he knows they now think I am nuts. (of course, my family thinks he is the wackjob, but they are too decent to indulge or confront it).

 

Anyway, today he is very hostile. What it comes down to is that he is abusing me emotionally by ignoring me, speaking to me in a hostile voice, and basically I don't recognize this very hostile person whom I live with and sleep with in the same bed. He also has become indifferent to his relationship with my son due to his hostility with me. He did not take him to his first soccer game tonight as planned (I had to), and went to work instead. He said his "heart's not into it".

 

He also said he is "stunned" at the whole situation, and cannot decide if I should stay or go. Only this morning he said stay because leaving would be too drastic. Does anyone else think he simply had a conversation with his sister and now has a change of tune?

 

Anyway, he is a liar and I do not know if I can trust him AT ALL. This whole situation was a misunderstanding (he was not clear about his anger when it was appropriate to put all the cards on the table), and then he exascerbates everything by making up lies that come back to haunt him because I sent an email in my defense (to the lies). So of course none of this makes sense to his family.

 

And now that I am stained, it looks like he is preparing to throw us away. Just like that. He is hostile, and said he'll be in this mood for a long time.

 

Anyone think I should leave now? He did say he was probably unfair by not telling me that when I suggested renigging on my babysitting commitment to his sister (because he would not stay home one evening with us), that he would be extremely irrate to the point that our relationship would have consequences. Instead, he sat there passively and was only mildly resistive. He blames that on his cold and the NeoCitran he was drinking. He also said that he lies all the time, but it's the message that is the same in the end so it doesn't matter.

 

Is this salvageable or is this guy clearly a coward and a dud!?????

 

I am so afraid this is going to make me fall apart and lose my job.

[Ladyjane14]

Of course "he lies all the time". He's an Adult Child.

 

Adult Children:

 

...guess at what normal is.

 

...have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end.

 

...lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

 

...judge themselves without mercy.

 

...have difficulty having fun.

 

...take themselves very seriously.

 

...have difficulty with intimate relationships.

 

...overreact to changes over which they have no control.

 

...constantly seek approval and affirmation.

 

...feel that they are different from other people.

 

...are either super responsible or super irresponsible.

 

...are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved.

 

...tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self loathing, and loss of control of their environment. As a result, they spend tremendous amounts of time cleaning up the mess.

 

It's up to you if you want to deal with him or not. I think your best bet is to get into MC if you want to stay married.

[justpassingthrough]

HE LIED ABOUT TELLING HIS DAD ANYTHING, AND HE LIED ABOUT HIS SISTER BANISHING ME).

 

Ya know, I was trying to give the guy the benefit of the doubt - until I saw that.

 

WTF?!?!?

[LuminousZ]

 

But I asked him if he wanted me to leave because I am willing to pack up and go. He said "no, we're not there yet. Let's see how the next few months go."

 

 

 

OUCH.., That sounds like a "yeah,.., " to me

 

just my .02

[Carbine]

In terms of how 'bad' it is, well I guess it depends on a lot of things like the extent and nature of the badmouthing, how influential the family members are and how likely they are to interfere. If somebody bags out someone else, it's just their side of the story and usually elaborated in such a way so as to receive sympathy/agreement. It's also just a way of venting. I guess this isn't so bad in itself, it really depends on what becomes of the situation.

 

In my case, it turned out to be a 9...possibly a 10 . My then-BF would get frustrated with me and badmouth me to his mother. Actually, I don't know if he was truly badmouthing me or just trying to vent his frustrations but anyway it totally f**ked with our relationship. His mother is a massive control freak and what's more, seems to regard everything I do and say with deep personal indignation. So it was always "Carbine is always wrong, Carbine is always bad for you, and you must always listen to your mother because she knows best.":mad: :mad:. Worse, his mother slipped up one day and admitted to me that she'd been relaying stuff about me and my BF to her daughter (my BF's older sister) who is, quite frankly, a goddamn f**king harpie. His sister is a troublemaker who lives in a regional town and has nothing better to do except sit on her expansive backside and bitch bitch bitch nonstop about everyone but herself. I asked his mother why she did it and she replied "Oh, I get so stressed about the problems you and T**** are having! I just have to talk about it with someone!!". (I was rather surprised that she forgot to add a dramatic swoon at the end )

 

Stupid cow, she could've lowered her stress levels dramatically if she'd stayed the hell out of mine and my BF's business in the first place. But no, she and the Harpie came to a mutual decision that my BF (who was, bear in mind, 30 years old) needed manipulating in order to save his precious soul from my apparently evil clutches.

 

Probably one of the very good reasons he's now my ex and not my spouse. :(

[Johnboy]

Wow this is an interesting thread.

 

Just a couple points I'd like to share, and please read the whole thing before drawing conclusions:

 

My youngest sister and I are very close, closer than the rest of our family (which as a whole - including my mother, brother, and 2 other sisters - is very close). Our father, a lifelong alcoholic, died when I was 14 and she was 8, so we share the experience of an abusive parent as do my other siblings. Having a parent like that in the household can be a bit of a silver lining in the long run, as it draws everyone else together. I tried to do whatever I could for her and the rest of my family, and I really ended up being more of a father to her than a brother. You can imagine my pride as just this past Saturday she got married. She's grown now of course, but I still try to offer her any advice I think can help her, and she's always willing to listen if I have a problem. That's what siblings do when faced with an abusive parent, they band together to face what comes their way, as we did early on in life. I would do whatever I could for my family, and calling it "momma's boy syndrome" is ridiculous. Loving and helping family has never been wrong in my book and I think it's disgusting to badmouth someone trying to do something for their family. Rememeber where you came from.

 

I also do not see what is so wrong with discussing a problem with a family member. If it's concerning my wife, she already knows about it, and we've already talked about it and gotten nowhere. You confide in people you love, why is that so bad? My youngest sister and I talk about anything and everything, as we have for many years. It's not craving approval, it's not looking for someone to make my mind up for me, it's venting and sharing and discussing. Try bottling things up for a long time; it doesn't work so well. The fact we are all here discussing our issues shows that we all need interaction and help with what's going on in our lives. Just because it's anonymous, that makes it so much different than talking with someone you know and love that the hypocrisy of saying it's wrong becomes completely transparent? Why not look to those who look out for your best interests for help? My family and I look out for each other out of love, I think it's wonderful and I wish everyone could have that kind of closeness and such a supportive group around them. Sure, they may not have all the answers, but they're always there and always willing to do what they can to help.

 

With that said, if your husband only does favors for his sister because he expects it back or expects money, or if he lies to you and tells you things like your sister banned you from her house (using her more as a weapon than a sister), and especially if he tells you you cannot come to family functions, runnnnnnrunrunrun away. He's not looking to them for help, doing favors out of love, or trying to communicate his way through problems with you. He's trying to get people on his side to validate his feelings, scare you away, and keep you out of his life w/his family (they might actually want to bring you closer, not beat you up LOL). And THAT kind of behavior is not ok, not one bit. He seems like an ass if you ask me, the fact that he tries to use his family to leverage in between the two of you shows he doesn't care about you or them if he's so willing to throw all of you in front of the bus so to speak (you with them and they with you). He may be close w/his sister and family, but his actions show that he's more interested in just getting his way and less interested in being a loving person to ANY of you. No one needs that.

 

I hope you understand what I'm trying to get at with all of this, and I wish you luck finding happiness with or without this man.

[Jolene]

My husband went to his family get-together without me, claiming he did not want me to be there and is ashamed of what I did by not helping and sending his family email.

 

How can he be ashamed of me and still love me?

 

Will he ever be a good husband? Should I divorce him NOW?

 

His father gave us $7000 last October when we got married. Is it possible that my husband is dragging our marriage out for the sake of appearances as it would be too shameful to face the family and the world if we got a divorce right now?

 

Basically, he cannot get past this recent incident, calls me "erratic" and "flaky", and wants to know "what's next????"

 

He denies ever having lied to me. He says I should have known that there would be grave consequences for not helping during a family crisis and mainly for shaming the both of us by sending his dad an email that was so "crazy".

 

I figure he could just say "Hey, family, my wife and I have a few things to sort out in our first year, she wants to spend more time with me it's true, and we apologize for the silly email incident, but she is my wife and we are a family. If anyone has a problem with that, can they please let us know and we can talk about it as a family."

 

Should I get divorced now, or continue to think he will come to his senses and realize how he overreacts to things and needs to smarten up.