Ripples Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 PS I went into a auto pilot mode for several months. I just remained a wife. I just survived day to day. But when I realized that he was being a cake eater, I went into playboy bunny mode. I started taking care of myself and doing my own thing and got my don't give a f*ck on. That snapped him back to my side. The WS has to realize he is losing a good thing. Don't forget the OW has had the upper hand for a long time and used that perfect wife routine since the beginning. Also, when they "talk", she is probably advising him to stay with her too. Nothing is gonna happen until you get aggressive and give him something to think long and hard about. Along with all the other great advice, I especially liked the above. It demonstrates to your WH that he's got an independant, confident, fun woman in his life - and what H wouldn't want that? Also, by taking control of your own life, taking responsibility for your own happiness, will help restore your self-confidence and give you a higher self-esteem; things that probably need a boost at the moment. Get that make over, have a girls outing to a spa, join a gym, buy that dress you've been looking at forever Link to post Share on other sites
Author raincloud Posted June 5, 2007 Author Share Posted June 5, 2007 Along with all the other great advice, I especially liked the above. It demonstrates to your WH that he's got an independant, confident, fun woman in his life - and what H wouldn't want that? Also, by taking control of your own life, taking responsibility for your own happiness, will help restore your self-confidence and give you a higher self-esteem; things that probably need a boost at the moment. Get that make over, have a girls outing to a spa, join a gym, buy that dress you've been looking at forever Yes, I'm slowly coming out of the shell I seem to have been in for several years. I have been doing some serious working out lately, and am trying to makeover my personal well-being little by little. One poster suggested yoga to help clear my head. Like Ladyjane told me in her reply...I need to have faith in me. I may even take a short break from Loveshack just to digest everything and assess the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
justagirliegirl Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 Are you willing to divorce him if he keeps seeing her/talking to her? I think he thinks at this point you won't do anything. Is he still in the house with you? Are you in a position to put him out? I think you have to play hard ball here. He isn't taking you seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 I may even take a short break from Loveshack just to digest everything and assess the situation. If you do, try to give us an update when you can. And remember... don't let your fears paralyze you. You can't lose something if it's already been lost, right? He's lost. But if he's to be found again, he must EARN his way back to you. Just as it's important for you to own what's yours within the relationship... he has to own what's his. He can't "earn" his way back if he doesn't take responsibility for his deficits or if you pay his emotional debts for him. If you two reconcile, he'll need to feel like he's worthy of it, very much in the same way as you would need to find him worthy. So... call him on his bullsh*t when he's out of line. You don't have to be evil about it. You don't have to be a b*tch, but you do have to stand up for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Tuesday Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 Raincloud is grieving. We all want her to react but she just can't do that right now. She needs her time to grieve. There is a time in every BS's life that they shut down and live in a shell. We have all been through it. It is normal. She is human. I think it stems from the shock and trauma of knowing the person you were most intimate with has betrayed you for a stranger. Normally this would be something we would turn to our spouses to for help, but we cant. It's like losing your best friend. When you lose your best friend, then just whom do you turn to? It is paralyzing. There is no sense of time. There is no sense of reason. It's a vacuume that sucks us in and keeps us immobile until we can start resisting the pull and fight back just to live again. Once we do that we can begin to live again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author raincloud Posted June 5, 2007 Author Share Posted June 5, 2007 Raincloud is grieving. We all want her to react but she just can't do that right now. She needs her time to grieve. There is a time in every BS's life that they shut down and live in a shell. We have all been through it. It is normal. She is human. I think it stems from the shock and trauma of knowing the person you were most intimate with has betrayed you for a stranger. Normally this would be something we would turn to our spouses to for help, but we cant. It's like losing your best friend. When you lose your best friend, then just whom do you turn to? It is paralyzing. There is no sense of time. There is no sense of reason. It's a vacuume that sucks us in and keeps us immobile until we can start resisting the pull and fight back just to live again. Once we do that we can begin to live again. I went for a really long walk this morning, and what you said in your post Ruby, is exactly what I was thinking about. Well, one of the many things I was thinking about. We are all human, and no matter how much good advice I get, no one is in my shoes and knows all the details of my life. Like the fact that I have been with this man since I was 18...I am now 31 - that is almost half my life! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 Why why why???? I hate to be frank, but he's NO PRIZE to fight over hunny. LET GO! Have some respect for yourself and keep your dignity and pride intact! A sleazebag should be dumped; not chased. Uhh, it's her husband? She's NOT the OW who is chasing. Geez, I think a wife has the right to fight for her husband and marriage. NOT too many BS's are just gonna roll over and hand over their husbands to the OW. They have a child together, they have a history together. That's not so easy to walk away from. I think if he can get away from the OW and stay in NC mode with her, the marriage has more of chance of being fixed. Until the OW goes away, nothing can move forward...Just more pain and heartache. I feel for you RC, and I wish your husband would WAKE THE F up before he loses you and his family life as he knows it now. Hugs... Link to post Share on other sites
ridingthebulls Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 NOT too many BS's are just gonna roll over and hand over their husbands to the OW ITS NOT A CONTEST AGAINST ANOTHER WOMAN FOR PETE'S SAKE. GROW UP. YOU KEEP THE TRASH! DOESN'T MAKE YOU WIN ANYTHING; JUST PROLONGS THE MISERY. YOUR PETTY JEALOUSY WILL BE YOUR UNDOING. GL WITH THAT OUTLOOK ON LIFE WHERE WOMEN ARE YOUR CONSTANT ENEMY! YOU ARE LITERALLY SLEEPING WITH YOUR ENEMY AND YOU HAVEN'T REALIZED THAT YET? Link to post Share on other sites
ridingthebulls Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 Uhh, it's her husband? She's NOT the OW who is chasing. Geez, I think a wife has the right to fight for her husband and marriage. NOT too many BS's are just gonna roll over and hand over their husbands to the OW. They have a child together, they have a history together. That's not so easy to walk away from. I think if he can get away from the OW and stay in NC mode with her, the marriage has more of chance of being fixed. Until the OW goes away, nothing can move forward...Just more pain and heartache. I feel for you RC, and I wish your husband would WAKE THE F up before he loses you and his family life as he knows it now. Hugs... The dude is still seeing another woman.. give me a damn break already!If you like kissing lips that were previously touching another woman's breasts and crotch, then go ahead.Desperation and co-dependence sums this one up nicely. Link to post Share on other sites
Melissa277 Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 raincloud, I, too, have been with WH for more than half my life, however when I found out about his affair, I left him that very minute. We were separated for five months and during that time, I never called him or emailed him once. NOT ONCE. He called and emailed me nonstop, but I had decided that I would talk to him when I was ready and not one minute before, which ended up being about three weeks later. Once I did start talking to him, I would ask him every time if he had spoken to the whore and he would say "yeah, she called, but I keep telling her not to." Okay, how many times do you have to tell a person to stop? We had caller ID and he knew it was her, and still took her calls. This was from a person who repeatedly told me that he never wanted the affair, etc. So, after a couple days of this, I told him that I wasn't going to fight for him, that he wasn't worth the trouble and that she could have him. Well, because of what she did, (pursued him, got him and herself fired), she high-tailed it out of town to take another job, but before she left she called him and asked him to go with her. He told her no and to never call him again that he "was trying to get me back." Anyway, for the next few months, H would call bawling, begging and pleading with me to give him another chance and I eventually decided to do that exact thing. I'm not telling you what to do or how to think, and I realize every situation is different, but you have got to make sure that if you want your marriage to work, he must end it with OW immediately. If he doesn't want to do that, then you must make a decision. You can not sit there and wait for this guy to make up his mind because as long as he has you waiting and is still seeing her, he won't. You deserve better. Believe me, it will be a long, difficult journey whether your marriage survives or it doesn't. But you need to take control of this situation. You are the innocent party here ... you cannot let him walk all over you. Oh by the way, OW did call a couple of months later, after I moved back in to our home (she didn't know H was working and living in another state by now) and when I answered the phone the chicken-*hit hung up:). Link to post Share on other sites
Author raincloud Posted June 9, 2007 Author Share Posted June 9, 2007 The dude is still seeing another woman.. give me a damn break already!If you like kissing lips that were previously touching another woman's breasts and crotch, then go ahead.Desperation and co-dependence sums this one up nicely. Is this supposed to be helpful? Thanks for the kind words. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 NOT too many BS's are just gonna roll over and hand over their husbands to the OW ITS NOT A CONTEST AGAINST ANOTHER WOMAN FOR PETE'S SAKE. GROW UP. YOU KEEP THE TRASH! DOESN'T MAKE YOU WIN ANYTHING; JUST PROLONGS THE MISERY. YOUR PETTY JEALOUSY WILL BE YOUR UNDOING. GL WITH THAT OUTLOOK ON LIFE WHERE WOMEN ARE YOUR CONSTANT ENEMY! YOU ARE LITERALLY SLEEPING WITH YOUR ENEMY AND YOU HAVEN'T REALIZED THAT YET? I would think that some men, depending on the situation, are 'worth' fighting for (extremely rare) but from what I read, in most forums, a lot of wives are trying to get their husbands back just because they (W) can't move on on their own...they are either too insecure or has no self esteem... they are willing to let him walk all over them again...and endure the 'pain' in the name of the family and the 'holy marriage'. Really sad. They think, in most cases, that their husbands will change... ha-hem... I don't think so... most men cheat and once caught, they will stop for a while and start again the first chance they have. If they don't get caught, they never stop. It's that simple... So the W has a choice, to divorce or to stay for sake of the children... If I would ever choose to stay for the love of my children... I would get a lover as well.... What's good for one is good for the other...and stay with him for the convenience and the financial security... so in other word, decide on an 'open marriage' as long as I don't know the details. But that's me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author raincloud Posted June 11, 2007 Author Share Posted June 11, 2007 Have you read surviving infidelity? It's a much better site than marriage builders. I dont post there anymore but it sure helped me alot when I was just starting out. Thanks for the advice, I posted there yesterday...what a great group so far! I just read the list of 180s....gives me a lot to think about the way I have been handling some things. And you know, it does tend to get their attention. Thanks again Ruby! Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted June 11, 2007 Share Posted June 11, 2007 RC I just want to say that I feel strongly for you. There is some good advice in some of these posts. I want to stress to you that you need to place a high value on yourself and your happiness. You are young and have allot of life to live. I wish you the best in this! Link to post Share on other sites
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