The Crossroads

[marlena]

Hi Lucrezia,

I'm glad you had a nice evening with your boyfriend. I'm sure you will work things out so don't worry too much. It isn't that much of a problem. Like so many people on here noted, it's just a question of commuting. Millions of people are doing it every day. If that is you in the picture, you are a very pretty young lady!

[Flyin in Clouds]

FIC, the problem here was the MAN who doesn't want to give up any of his candy in the goodie bag!

 

The man? Yeah that evil guy is the problem alright. Men always are the bad guys.

 

Tell me why the woman shouldn't give up on what she wants if she wants the relationship to continue? If it was her CAREER that was on the line would anyone be telling her to give it up and move back because the MAN wanted to stay close to HIS kids from some previous marriage?

 

LB, I think it's great that you are such a devoting mother, however, you can't expect a man to give up everything he wants because you are a mother. (This sounded worse than I mean.) He will never understand how you feel, and therefore I don't think that he would be willing to stay where you are.

Don't tell me that fathers can't also be dedicated to their children. They can. But either parent sacrificing their own happiness is not a good thing for any child.

 

How did he react when you were crying in the car? That'd said a lot about his feelings towards it.

Unless he's a good poker player.

[Flyin in Clouds]

This statement

 

contradicts this one.

Not really. It is not that children are unimportant, they just shouldn't become the ONLY important thing in a family or the relationship between a man and woman. Of course children's basic needs should be taken care of. But that does not mean that parents are on call 24/7 to deal each and every stubbed toe... every minor problem a child may have.

 

Example. My parents went out on a "date" just about every weekend. Usually bridge at their friends house or square dancing. They hired a baby sitter for us kids. Would I prefered to have mom around to whine to? Sure, but my paretns were not about to sacrifice their social life entirely for their kids. Did they provide food, shelter and love? yes. Always available at a moments notice to deal with our problems. No. They had their own lives and we (kids) were a very important part of theif life. We were not their entire life. And that was healthy for everyone.

 

 

 

...

 

If your child was all that important to you why did you divorce? Why not stay married no matter how lousy your relationship was with your exH? Surely the divorce has harmed her more than anything else.

And is pretty disrespectful..... and inaccurate. IMO a child being brought up in an unhappy marriage is JUST as likely to be affected as one who goes thru a divorce and sees her parents happy again.

Over and over men and women who's spouse has cheated on them say they don't want to divorce for the sake of their kids. So they are willing to live in a bad relationship and try to put on a happy face all for the sake of their kids. I think eventually kids will see through that. But here LB is saying she's going to do exactly the same thing! She'll sacrifice her happiness for the sake of her child's happiness. Noble for sure but is that a good thing? To me it's about the same as staying in a bad marriage and trying to put on the happy face.

 

What a load of bollocks. In 2007? Really. What rubbish.

Really? So what woman will marry a man that has no job, doesn't want to work and will support him... in 2007? And what will people think of such a man? Yet a stay at home wife is perfectly OK. Nobody thinks less of her for not working. But a guy is defined by his job, it defines his status and place in society.

 

 

Sigh. Her daughter is TEN. Not 18. A ten year old girl needs her mom. LB is a good mother.

She doesn't need her father? What a 10 year old needs is a mother and father that live together happily and in love with each other. that's what they need. Two adults that are adult enough to not destroy their marriage over ... sorry LB I don't know why your marriage failed - you or your H's fault or nobodies fault.

 

But the point I'm making about kids is they are temporary. In my paretns case they were married for 56 years. We kids were around for not even half of that time. If you put all your energy into your kdis after they are born and ignore the husband/wife relationship then after the kids what will you have? Not only an empty nest but empty hearts. That's what I mean about not making kids the ONLY important part of a marrige. They're important no doubt, but they can't always come first. Sometimes kids have to wait to get something they want (not something they need like food, but something they might want...).

 

If she was 18, it would be a totally different story.

No doubt. her present age wasn't the point. That kids are only around for 18 years or so is the point. Think beyond the years the kids will be with you, because you'll have a life to live after they leave.

 

LB here's the issue for you. Who's more important to you, your child or your BF? Who comes first in your heart? If it's your child, cut the man loose. Let him find a woman that will put him first. If my wife ever told me that I was no longer number one in her heart, that I had been replaced by the kids, well that would have been the end of our relationship. I didn't marry my children. I married my wife and I expect to be the most important person in her life, as she is in mine. That is the way it was with my parents. We kids were not going to come between the two of them - ever.

 

When kids become the dominate thing in a household it's not good for them or their parents. All too often today the needs and trivial wants of children are raised up to be the most important thing in the world. I don't think it helps children to think the whole world revolves around them. Part of them growing up is realizing mom has a life too.

[sb129]

My parents went out on a "date" just about every weekend. Usually bridge at their friends house or square dancing. They hired a baby sitter for us kids. Would I prefered to have mom around to whine to? Sure, but my paretns were not about to sacrifice their social life entirely for their kids. Did they provide food, shelter and love? yes. Always available at a moments notice to deal with our problems. No. They had their own lives and we (kids) were a very important part of theif life. We were not their entire life. And that was healthy for everyone.

This is TOTALLY different from moving an hour and a half away from your child.

 

Flying in Clouds, with respect, I think that most mothers would put their children before a man if push came to shove. Even your wife.

Maybe this statement isn't true when applied to ADULT children, but certainly when children are young.

Women are genetically programmed to do this, and you seem to fail to grasp that concept.

 

I disgree that children are "temporary". They are for life, but in the formative years, they SHOULD be one of the main focuses of their parents lives. The house should not "revolve" around them, but if parents are that desperate to have a "life", why bother have kids in the first place?

People can love more than one partner in thier lifetime- they can come and go. But kids are yours forever.

 

LB COULD have the best of both worlds if her man was willing to compromise. It is possible. And her child is more important than her BFs job.

 

I think she is within her rights to ask him to do so- because SHE is the one with a daughter, not him. And she is trying to do her best for everyone involved, her daughter, her daughters dad, herself and her BF.

 

 

Really? So what woman will marry a man that has no job, doesn't want to work and will support him... in 2007? And what will people think of such a man? Yet a stay at home wife is perfectly OK. Nobody thinks less of her for not working. But a guy is defined by his job, it defines his status and place in society.

Alot of women out earn their partners, and there are more and more stay at home Dads these days. I guess we know what you think of them huh.

 

I can't even be bothered to reply to these kind of obtuse archaic and sexist statements anymore.

[4whatItsWorth]

If my wife ever told me that I was no longer number one in her heart, that I had been replaced by the kids, well that would have been the end of our relationship. I didn't marry my children. I married my wife and I expect to be the most important person in her life, as she is in mine.

 

EDIT: I'm not even gonna bother...

[sunshinegirl]

I dunno, I do think there is some merit in FiC's comments about husband-wife remaining the primary relationship even when kids enter the picture.

 

I am certainly no expert (being single and all), but I always thought that one reason marriages fall apart is that when kids enter the picture, sometimes all the intensity and intimacy of the marriage gets directed toward the kid(s)... and then the parents have nothing left for each other - no time for sex, no "alone time", etc. And then one or both become unhappy, and things unravel from there.

 

Maybe I shouldn't generalize, but that is what happened in my boyfriend's marriage, and his ex ended up cheating on him. So he and I have been talking recently about how much a couple's life should become wrapped up with their kids' needs, versus incorporating kids into the life the parents were already leading. We were comparing a couple we're friends with who bring their 15 month old daughter on our rock climbing and camping trips with my sisters, whose lives revolve around the kids' sports practices and events, and vacations all get geared to making sure the kids are always entertained (I've spent way more time than I should at waterparks in Europe!).

 

Balance. Balance is the key.

 

But back to LB's issue: kudos to you for wanting to be near your daughter, AND (whether you did this consciously or not) of not taking your ex's daughter too far away from him. My boyfriend's ex is moving 500 miles away with their 5-year old daughter, in part so she can live where her boyfriend (the man she cheated on him with!) lives. I can't help but feel she is being incredibly selfish and not putting her child's need to be near both parents as a priority.

 

It sounds like you have a strong relationship that may well weather this issue. Best of luck.

[riobikini]

LB -first, I am terribly sorry to hear about your situation.

 

Secondly, I have had similar situations (the knife-in-the-gut/no-compromise thing) where contact with my children was the issue and, true to my nature, my children got first consideration -despite any emotion I felt for my partner.

 

And it'll stay that way til the day I draw my last breath.

 

Still, I know your situation hurts (and probably makes you angry, too -it would me) to be the one left kind of holding the bag concerning having to make that particular decision.

 

But -LB- it's good that you are in control of making the decision because (I feel certain) you'll make the right one, no matter how difficult.

 

Acknowledging all your posts on LS -I know you are a very strong woman, a phenomenally intelligent woman -and that you -with out a shred of doubt- love your child.

 

And can (will) get through this as well as you have gotten through other painful and difficult situations in the past.

 

Use your skills.

 

-Rio

[sb129]

Hey, great post Rio.

 

 

 

 

I dunno, I do think there is some merit in FiC's comments about husband-wife remaining the primary relationship even when kids enter the picture.

 

I am certainly no expert (being single and all), but I always thought that one reason marriages fall apart is that when kids enter the picture, sometimes all the intensity and intimacy of the marriage gets directed toward the kid(s)... and then the parents have nothing left for each other - no time for sex, no "alone time", etc. And then one or both become unhappy, and things unravel from there.

 

Maybe I shouldn't generalize, but that is what happened in my boyfriend's marriage, and his ex ended up cheating on him. So he and I have been talking recently about how much a couple's life should become wrapped up with their kids' needs, versus incorporating kids into the life the parents were already leading. We were comparing a couple we're friends with who bring their 15 month old daughter on our rock climbing and camping trips with my sisters, whose lives revolve around the kids' sports practices and events, and vacations all get geared to making sure the kids are always entertained

 

 

I agree with you, some people do focus on their kids ALOT, and sadly one example of when these relationships fail when the kids leave home, because the couple have nothing in common anymore- their R has been put on the back burner.

How people bring up their kids is up to them, although I do think some people go a little OTT these days, and I would like to think that when I have them it will be balanced, like you say. Undoubtedly my life will change significantly, but if I wanted it to stay the same as it is now forever, I would consider not having children.

I TOTALLY think you should maintain your R with your partner, but not at the expense of anything else.

To be put into a situation where your R with your children could be compromised is awful, and unfair, and I have sympathy for anyone that has or may be in this situation.

I don't think either R should be the "primary" one. They are fundamentally very different types of R, and should be treated differently.

 

This is a great comment

 

Balance. Balance is the key.

 

I think this about sums it up.

 

FiC seems to see things in black and white rather than a spectrum of grey, which is why I disagree with him.

 

Every situation is different, and most of the time there is a way of working things out so that balance can be achieved, so that everybody wins.

Who makes the compromises so that can be achieved is the biggest hurdle to overcome before it is.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Last night, we were sitting on the couch, and I brought up the idea of him leaving me, and he grabbed me in his arms and said "Baby, I'm not going anywhere." So... I guess he is thinking about it too.

 

So glad to read this follow-up LB.

 

You know, having been at a similar “cross-roads” with my current partner seven years ago, I can say that I agree with a few of the other posters who suggested making an equal compromise. Thirty minutes (give or take) for both of you seems a fair trade.

 

BUT ... I don’t think (if I were you) I’d be willing to yank up my roots and relocate from my current home unless both of us were absolutely certain that we were in this relationship for the long haul. And that will probably take just a little more time until your boyfriend figures out where he wants to see the rest of his life going. He can have it all, but that may also require having to give just a little bit of ground.

 

I also think that being so far away from you will eventually tug at his heartstrings. A job ... I don’t care how much it pays ... can be a poor substitute (and companion) when you’re far removed from your “safe place to fall.” Considering how much he seems to care for you, I’m sure the easy commute will lose it’s appeal looooong before you do!

 

Hang in there LB, and give him just a little more time to figure all of this out for himself. He’ll eventually get there on his own ... don’t know why, but I feel sure of it.

[sb129]

Lastly, asking a mother to choose her partner over her young child is asking her her to ignore an extremely heavy duty biological process that I really don't think men OR women who have not had children (and I fall into that category) can ever fully appreciate.

[sb129]

So glad to read this follow-up LB.

 

You know, having been at a similar “cross-roads” with my current partner seven years ago, I can say that I agree with a few of the other posters who suggested making an equal compromise. Thirty minutes (give or take) for both of you seems a fair trade.

 

BUT ... I don’t think (if I were you) I’d be willing to yank up my roots and relocate from my current home unless both of us were absolutely certain that we were in this relationship for the long haul. And that will probably take just a little more time until your boyfriend figures out where he wants to see the rest of his life going. He can have it all, but that may also require having to give just a little bit of ground.

 

I also think that being so far away from you will eventually tug at his heartstrings. A job ... I don’t care how much it pays ... can be a poor substitute (and companion) when you’re far removed from your “safe place to fall.” Considering how much he seems to care for you, I’m sure the easy commute will lose it’s appeal looooong before you do!

 

Hang in there LB, and give him just a little more time to figure all of this out for himself. He’ll eventually get there on his own ... don’t know why, but I feel sure of it.

 

 

Brilliant post Enigma. I couldn't agree more.

 

LB- I admire you, and agree with Rio when she says you are an intelligent and strong woman.

 

I really hope things work out for you guys.

[Trimmer]

FiC, you speak in extremes.

 

Someone said "a 10-year old needs her mom", your immediate response is, "And she doesn't need her dad?" That's not what was said, and not the point. You went off course.

 

"But that does not mean that parents are on call 24/7 to deal each and every stubbed toe" - that's an overstatement. We're talking about a mother who doesn't want to become more distant from her daughter than she already is.

 

Don't tell me that fathers can't also be dedicated to their children. They can. But either parent sacrificing their own happiness is not a good thing for any child.

I think you have to acknowledge the other end of this extreme, which is that a parent who is unwilling to make any sacrifice or change for their children is similarly not a good thing for a child. Kinda like telling a child "if you don't like it, then don't let the door hit you on the way out...."

 

Also, let's note that LB isn't agonizing, saying "should I sacrifice my happiness for the empty burden of supporting my child's happiness..." as if that's some weight she has to carry up a hill, only for the sake of her child. Being near and with her child is something SHE is firmly convinced that she wants to do, for herself as much as her child, and she's trying to balance that against a potential long term relationship. You're twisting her dedication and desire to be near her daughter as a sacrificial burden, and she isn't presenting it that way.

 

Also, the examples you give (your own parents' date night, for example) are great and illustrative, but they are ones between the married parents of children, and they don't have the same pertinence between a parent and a potential boyfriend.

 

She is just trying to find a balance, if possible, with her already strong dedication to the kind of mother she has happily chosen to be. It's not only about the child's desire to be close to her mother, it's about this mother's recognition of her desire to be close to her child. Your parents may have felt a different degree of that, and you may with your children as well, but LB seems confident in her awareness of herself here. I don't see any benefit to anyone in talking her out of that.

 

...he was not happy with the distance, and that he wants to be with me all the time instead of just weekends. He is at the point where he is wondering how we are going to make this work, or if its even possible. He knows that he doesn't want the long distance aspect to last for much longer...

 

He isn't a parent himself, and has trouble relating in this situation. The way he sees it, I will still be her mother no matter what and that I will still talk to her ever day, and all that. He doesn't understand that I physically need to be there with her, to actively be a part of her life - to be there for her within a few minutes notice if she needs me.

 

Interesting contrast - that it's OK to be a telephone, long distance Mom, but not a telephone, long distance girlfriend. He feels the need to be close all the time but certainly doesn't relate to a parent's need to be close to a child in the very same way.

[sb129]

Thank you Trimmer. Thats exactly what I was trying to say too.

[Flyin in Clouds]

....

FiC seems to see things in black and white rather than a spectrum of grey, which is why I disagree with him.

 

Gray is an illusion. It is only different amounts of black and white.

 

Every situation boils down to binary decisions, yes or no, true or false, will or won't, alive or dead.

 

It is true in LB's predicament too. She'll either decide or she won't. If she decides it can be to move away or stay close to her child. It can be to move only half way, so she can go either way easier. But no matter what, a decision that is black and white will be made.

[Flyin in Clouds]

FiC, you speak in extremes.

 

Someone said "a 10-year old needs her mom", your immediate response is, "And she doesn't need her dad?" That's not what was said, and not the point. You went off course.

The obvious implication when someone forgets to mention dad is that dad isn't all that important but mom is. A 10 year old needs her mom AND her dad. Which is the context of what I said. Do you disagree? Or is the dad unimportant. Im not disputing that LB is a good mother. I'm saying that sacrificing her whole life for her child isn't good for either of them. Balance... as someone said. So what's the balance?

 

"But that does not mean that parents are on call 24/7 to deal each and every stubbed toe" - that's an overstatement. We're talking about a mother who doesn't want to become more distant from her daughter than she already is.

She isn't distant at all. She lives down the street and the kid comes over whenever she feels like it.

 

 

I think you have to acknowledge the other end of this extreme, which is that a parent who is unwilling to make any sacrifice or change for their children is similarly not a good thing for a child. Kinda like telling a child "if you don't like it, then don't let the door hit you on the way out...."[/quoe] Of course. Parents make lots of sacrifice for kids. But if they are going to put their relationship with an adult partner they'd love on hold or terminate it because of the child... well, that's not going to be good in the long run, IMO. OK? Just my opinion on what this will do to them both, long term. Mom (LB) has a life of her own. Her daughter needs to understand that to grow to be a health adult.

 

And I know this isn't an easy or agonizing free decision for LB. Life's tough that way.

 

Also, the examples you give (your own parents' date night, for example) are great and illustrative, but they are ones between the married parents of children, and they don't have the same pertinence between a parent and a potential boyfriend.

potential boyfriend? I thought they were a committed couple. And yes I think it applies.

 

And LB can take my comments or leave them ... I offer them as they are and she can decide for herself if they are of any use to her. She's a big girl you know...

[Trimmer]

Gray is an illusion. It is only different amounts of black and white.

Black and white are only illusions. Black is only an endpoint on a spectrum of grays. And no matter where you go on that spectrum, there is always a brighter white.

 

Every situation boils down to binary decisions, yes or no, true or false, will or won't, alive or dead.

You are essentially saying, that at the very highest level of abstraction, everything comes down to either act or don't act. I agree with you at that level, but we don't live at that level.

 

She'll either decide or she won't.

There's your "act, or don't act" level of black and white, but...

 

If she decides it can be to move away or stay close to her child. It can be to move only half way, so she can go either way easier.

... you yourself then go on to describe a few of the the many options available to her in the gray space inbetween.

 

But no matter what, a decision that is black and white will be made.

Indeed, but you are equating a firm commitment to a decision (a black and white situation: either act or don't act) with the broad spectrum of options to be considered before the decision is made.

 

Your philosophy seems to be: it doesn't matter what the kids think, you make the decision based on your own happiness. (Black or white.) If that works for you and your kids, great. My point is that LB is in a process of balancing the benefits to everyone involved - substantially including herself, certainly - and I think that's a good thing. Life is full of greys - and colors for that matter.

[Trimmer]

I'm saying that sacrificing her whole life for her child isn't good for either of them. Balance... as someone said. So what's the balance?

I agree with you about balance. I think that's completely what it comes down to. However, you see her consideration to find that balance or to reaffirm her commitment to being a close-by mother for the next few years as "sacrificing her whole life", and I don't see it as that extreme. I see it as her process to balancing the things that make her happy.

 

She isn't distant at all. She lives down the street and the kid comes over whenever she feels like it.

I don't want to pull out the "you don't know because you haven't been there" line, but I'm talking about the emotional distance created by being divorced and not being in the same house as your kids every night. I live right down the street from my kids, and we have 50/50 joint parenting, but there is a distance between us that wasn't there before. It's not huge, not horrible, and the time we spend together is just as close (or closer) than ever, but divorce creates a kind of distance, just of its nature. Moving physically further away adds a physical element to that distance; that's the context in which I said "to become more distant..."

 

Mom (LB) has a life of her own. Her daughter needs to understand that to grow to be a health adult.

 

And I know this isn't an easy or agonizing free decision for LB. Life's tough that way.

I agree with you on these statements.

 

potential boyfriend? I thought they were a committed couple. And yes I think it applies.

I have to wonder how committed he is, if he moved so far away without bringing it to the table for mutual discussion, when he himself is so conflicted about the distance, and expecting her to do all the work to close the gap. For me, that dropped him back to the realm of "potential..." But it's true for me, too, as you quite correctly point out:

...LB can take my comments or leave them ... I offer them as they are and she can decide for herself if they are of any use to her. She's a big girl you know...

Again, I agree with you more than I would have expected to, even overlooking the patronizing tone.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I am happy to see the feedback, from various standpoints. Nothing gets you thinking like seeing a problem from all sides: even the sides you don't want to see.

 

As for prioritizing, I guess a good deal of it comes from not only loving my daughter and wanting to be in her life - but it also comes from a great need to be like my mother was. When I was two, and my brother six months old - she put us in a playpen, taped a 'goodbye' note to the TV for my father to find eight hours later when he got home from work, and simply left to live with some guy in a hotel somewhere.

 

My father divorced her, and she willingly gave up custody - in fact she signed away her parental rights altogether when she mailed in the adoption papers (apparently there was some speculation that my father hadn't actually 'fathered' either of us so he had to actually adopt us - I'm kind of fuzzy on the legal details - my father has not gone too far into detail about why he had to sign adoption papers when his name was on the birth certificate). No goodbye. Just mailed in the papers signing away all rights. My brother and I were raised to school age by my father's mother after that, and we went to live with my father and his new wife when I was older. No request for visitation, nada.

 

Now, I did see her a few times in my life after that and every time it was always the same... "I always loved you, I never wanted to leave you, blah blah blah..." a little too late. Interestingly enough, she married no less than nine times after that (the marriages we know of, anyway). One of her marriages involved two kids, a girl and boy - who she tried to have legally renamed my name and my brother's name. Needless to say, that guy jetted one day - literally packed while she was at work and left. Every time a relationship failed, she'd track me down in a nearly stalkerish way, demanding that I show her the love and respect that she deserved as my "mother". She did this right on up til she died this past year. I didn't go to her funeral.

 

I wish my family hadn't done this now in hindsight, but not a day went by where I was not reminded of what a monsterous and horrible person they thought she was. That she was a whore, a loser, an addict etc. That she abandoned us, that she didn't care for us, etc. Now, that may have been the truth, but what it taught me over the course of twenty odd years of hearing it was that only the worst sort of bitch leaves her children for a man. Is that the truth? That's neither here nor there, but its hard to 'unlearn' something that your family drills into you day after day, and year after year. So, yes - that plays some part in it. I do wish I had the option of being more objective about it, but I can see why my family did that. They wanted to protect me from her. She was a dangerous and unstable person, and I guess it was best that I kept my distance.

 

I don't feel that I will be sacrificing any happiness if I were forced to make a choice, and chose my daughter. Men come and go, but your children are forever in my book. I will be unhappy if I end up losing my boyfriend, but that unhappiness wouldn't compare at all to the sadness I would feel in not being able to have a large chunk of time to devote to being a mom.

 

As for my boyfriend, he's been staying with me here and we've talked a lot these past few days. No more 'breakup' type talk. Only 'what our future holds' type talk. I'm not sure what will happen in the short term, but for now things look ok.

 

Taking it one day at a time... that's all one can do really.

[Mr. Lucky]

Now, that may have been the truth, but what it taught me over the course of twenty odd years of hearing it was that only the worst sort of bitch leaves her children for a man. Is that the truth?

Don't know about the harsh language, but yes, I think that has a germ of truth. I think it's a character defect to abandon your children for any reason - love or money. That you would acknowledge the strength of your bond to your daughter as the primary factor in this decision speaks highly of you. Good luck!

 

Mr. Lucky

[sb129]

Good for you LB.

 

Trimmer thanks for articulating my thoughts again. FiC, I actually do agree with SOME of what you say, I just think its not as cut and dried as you state.

 

Anyway, good luck LB.

[katiebour]

Just to chime in as a grown child of divorced parents:

 

My folks divorced when I was 6. My mom decided she wanted me for a little while, but then changed her mind and dropped me off on my dad's doorstep. My dad spent the next 5 or so years raising me, while my mom moved all over the country, and I saw her with varying degrees of frequency, from every other weekend to only during summer/winter vacation.

 

After a few more years, I decided I wanted to give living with mom a try- we did, for two years, until I couldn't take it any more and moved back in with my very stable dad.

 

Fast-forward 12 years later, and here I am, 27 years old, and no, I'm not extraordinarily deprived, I'm not psychotic, I am not forever bemoaning my mother's choices as an excuse for whatever life problems I encounter.

 

Now, while my mother's gypsy roamings are not neccessarily ideal for child-rearing, they really didn't harm me either. I always knew that my most excellent father would be there for me, and despite our ups and downs I remember fondly some of those weekends with my mom- she went out of her way to make them fun and interesting (for the most part.)

 

My point is that it is not neccessary to live mere blocks away from your child to have a good relationship with them. The every-other-weekend approach, along with attendance to school functions, remaining involved and interested in your child's life, phone calls/emails etc. can do just fine.

 

Despite my mom's difficulties and addictions, and despite the incredible fights and disagreements we have had over the years, we have a great relationship. I live in the Midwest, she on the West Coast, and although we may see each other once a year we call often to maintain what we have.

 

LB sounds like she really cares about her daughter and wants to remain involved in her life. If my mother and I can have a great relationship, how difficult can it be for LB-who is by all accounts an intelligent, caring person and a great mom-to have an even closer, better relationship, regardless of distance?

 

An hour and a half is nothing when you love someone. I myself commuted an hour each way every weekend to be with my boyfriend, until, happily circumstances dictated that I could move to be with him.

 

I guess my main point is that:

 

You could live with your boyfriend and commute/do the every-other-weekend deal without harming your child. You yourself said she has a great dad who can manage the day-to-day stuff, while you can enjoy her company as often as you care to drive.

 

I lean more towards agreeing with FIC about relationships between parent/child vs. spouse/spouse. When your little girl grows up, goes to college or starts work, finds a love of her own, eventually has children, etc, etc, you will not be the most major part of her life. She will be building her own life, and except for phone calls to fill you in on the newest boyfriend, etc, occasional visits, or withdrawals from the Bank of Mom and Dad, your life will revolve once again around your own interests, social group, and yes, your significant other.

 

For me, having 50 years with a significant other, sharing my life day-in/day-out with my best friend and lover does take precedence over 20 years as the caretaker, parent, and friend that I would spend with a child.

 

One more thought- picture yourself, 20 years from now. Would you rather be spending every weekend with your 30-year old daughter (who humors you because you gave up your personal life for her) or be spending your life with your significant other?

 

We all know of adults whose entire lives revolve around their children and grandchildren because they have no one else with whom to share it. Who would you rather be? Who, in 20 years, would your daughter prefer you to be?

 

Just some (slightly overdramatic) thoughts. Good luck!

[whichwayisup]

Well I hope you two can manage to stay together and work out some kind of compromise...You shouldn't have to give up so much to be with him...Sorry though that you're going through this! Hugs.

[iamsofoolish80]

LB, thanks for your reply on my post about my ex being depressed and i asking if it was possible.

 

I've read so many of your posts on here and they seem to be so right on the money. I guess I know what I have to do, but I believe I'm trying to find that one person who will say, hang in there, if you want her back, fight for her and she will realize how much you love her. But it seems that type of advice is only part of "story book endings".

 

I've read so much that AIMs at NO CONTACT and I'm just in that little river in Egypt called The Nile (Denile).

 

I have to be honest with myself, I want her back. BUT if that was even a possibility, I do need to let her be cause I'm too available to her.

 

But I guess I know what I need to do.

 

 

Thank you!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Well, I guess I have experience there - my stbxH was the one who initiated the downward spiral that resulted in our separation and divorce, and he was the one who was the most depressed by it! He is depressed at what we lost, depressed about moving out on his own, depressed in general... it is very sad, but I moved on with someone else. StbxH and I are still friends, we always were and always will be - but he is understanding now that living separate doesn't mean that we will lose what we have, nor will signing divorce papers change what we have. He doesn't want to be married to me, but he doesn't want to lose me either. I guess we managed to salvage what we could, and he is becoming 'ok' with that. By living separately and moving on while keeping close, we enjoy the best of each other now, while avoiding the worst.

 

Sometimes it is better to avoid fighting for what will never be, and embrace the idea of salvaging what is still left and building on that. It sounds really cliche, but you really can't ever have 'yesterday', there is only 'today' to figure out how you can make a better 'tomorrow'.

[Ripples]

LB, just read this. Can only reiterate things that have already been said, namely; you're such a wise and intelligent person, I'm sure you'll work this out.

 

Also, you are way too savvy to have picked a BF who won't find a way with you to make this work.