Moving in together

[ashleybandit]

Sorry, I briefly read your posts and i couldn't help but feel compelled to make a couple of points:

 

1. living together/getting married. I used to live together with boyfriends. I used to think I didn't need to get married. ever. now that I am 31, I want to have a life, a kid, and the white picket fence. statistically speaking, more people get divorced when they live together first, and more people get divorced if they marry before the age of 25.

 

==> I agree that you need to become independant and mature (not saying that you're not mature, but that at 20, you have a lot of experience that you need to go through) before getting to a point where you can make a relationship last (ideally) forever.

 

2. Boyfriend who is 23. I am somewhat ageist, so forgive me for my prejudice, but i don't think any guy, no matter how mature, is ready to get married at 23. No way. He might go through a period in a few years (26? 28?) when he will feel compelled to explore other people. he may begin to feel "trapped" and "tied" down, and worry that soon enough, he will be married, but he only has a few years left to sow his wild oats.

 

I am not trying to be pessimistic, just realistic with respect to my observations of other 23 year olds. Also, is your boyfriend the biological father of your daughter? Some men might care, others might now. This is a lot of responsibility to hoist on a 23 year old.

 

3. Your career. You are going to school. GOOD> get a graduate degree, finish college... give yourself the insurance you need in the future to make sure you can take care of yourself. Earn his and your own respect for yourself. Don't ever be in a position where you are completely dependant on a man-- always be able to walk away and take care of yourself. This is the only way (that I know of) to make sure you will always land on your feet NO MATTER what happens (worst care scenario).

 

4. 2 years: that's a long time to wait. That's what my boyfriend of 4 years asked me to do when I left for grad school. I said "ring, or goodbye". He said "lets wait another 2 years, I want to marry you, but after you finish school". So, I said "then let's get engaged now, and then marry when I get out of school" and he said "oh... that's silly". So I said "silly, my ass, good bye".

 

==> are you willing to wait another 2 years? And, what if, in two years, he says he needs to sow his wild oats, or if he says "another two years"? Will you be able to stand it? Woudn't you rather know NOW? You are 20, though, and you do not have the time pressure a woman at 30 feels, so I guess this two year thing is more acceptable. But you have to think whether it will be devastating for you if there is a worst case scenario...be careful.

 

Ok. good luck!

 

And remember, focus on YOUR career, too. If only for your daughter, ok?

[Kat]

I have no problem with the next 2-5 years of me staying at his place 2-5 nights a week. We have no plans on moving in together in two years anyway.

 

I know most women say this, but my man is not one to "feel the need to sow his oats".

 

My b/f is not about to up and leave in 5 years because he feels 'tied down'. The last year and a half have had lots of small tests and troubles which we have gotten through. together.

 

We plan on being together for the long haul and both are prepared.

[Ally Boo]

I'm sorry Kat, I know you must be hurt.

[Kat]

I got a "One day I even plan on marrying you". I spose that is a step in the right direction.

 

I just don't look forward to being a 26 yr old living at home with a 8yr old!

[Just A Girl2]

So you said you look forward to spending 2-5 nights over at his place (overnight)....but where will your young daughter be on these nights? With you? (her mother) Or will she live with your mom/parents while you're off spending the night with him?

 

Your daughter needs to spend her nights with Mommy being there. Children need stability and consistency and security...being raised by their parent(s), not relatives or grandparents.

 

So if you're planning to take her along with you on these nights that you stay with him, is that really fair to her? What about him?

 

If you work so much and also go to school, when do you find quality time to spend with your little girl if you're planning on spend so many nights over at his place?

 

It sounds a lot to me like you're putting your b/f above your daughter..and that's not fair to her.

 

And why would you even think about spending 5 nights a week over at his place..which is darn near a full week, when he's already told you he's not ready to live with you? Spending 5 out of 7 nights a week at someone's house who's told you he doesn't want to live with you...I'd say that's pushing it big time. You're going to scare this guy off.

 

You say with such certainty that he's not going to one day (or now) want to 'sow his wild oats'......impossible for you to know this. He's only 23 yrs old. One of the most common reasons that people divorce who marry young/or were childhood/high school sweethearts is because as time passed, they grew and changed and discovered one day that being in a serious relationship "young" didn't give them the opportunity to date others, find themself, etc.

 

Men come and go.....a good education and one's children are invaluable and they last forever, so to speak. You seem so fixated with this guy. He's focusing on his career and future and you seem to be focused mostly on him. You're on different wavelengths, it seems to me.

[Kat]

I think I have only ever spnt a total of 5 nights away from my daughter since she has been born. I do not plan on "running away" from my daughter to put him first.

 

Where do I get 5 nights a week from?? From him of course! He plans on making a room for my daughter with toys and her own bed so when we are over there she has her own room. Why is this bad????

 

I am not putting him above my daughter, I am making him part of my daughters life and neither of them have a problem with that.

 

He is the closest thing she has to a father and a best friend. I don't see a problem with us staying at his place most of the time, nor do I see how I am ruing her life by doing so.