Best revenge on a cheating spouse...

[Tomcat33]

 

Like I could look at them knowing that their life won't be what it could because I had to divorce their mother. I can't say if we will divorce or not...it definitely isn't out of the question...but if/when the day comes...I'll feel like I failed them even though this was her doing.

 

 

I know it's frustrating to have to be put in a position to choose to stay or go on your children when you did not cause the problem. But you would not fail your kids, failing your kids is skipping out on them, disappering after the seperation, cancelling your time with them to be doing other things, missing b-days, missing special days at school etc. THAT'S failing your children.

But you know what? Having them sense and see the anger that daddy is manifesting towards mommy is also failing them. You are failing them right now and you kid youself into thinking that what you are doing is right for the kids. Having the male presence in the home, but a presence that is filled with anger and volatile reactions (and don't tell me they don't see this because you know they do) is not sufficient. you can live for your children and also be happy.

 

I have mentioned this before in another thread and I hold strong to this idea regardless what some might pipe in to argue, and that is...

happiness for children is seeing happy parents who make them feel loved, safe and like they are #1.

The dynamic that developes between you and your W now is what is going to mold your kid's characters as adults, their relationships will be affected by what they absorb today. Also, think about that before you are so quick to pass judgment on all the people here who have messed up. Your own children could mess up some day, what would you do then? Fill them with vile comments about their actions?

[Ladyjane14]

A child when faced with parents that are in conflict don't have the tools to cope.. they are emotionally too immature to deal with adult problems but they have the ability to detect and absorb all the negative energy..

 

Absolutely agree. It's just too bad that the adults in their lives can't act like f*cking grown-ups and deal with their conflicts. Parents, who protect their relationship with each other, preserve the foundation which the entire family rests upon. Bitterness, harbored resentments, apathy, selfishness... are just big gaping CRACKS in that foundation.

 

So many people give lip-service to having their kids' best interests at heart, but when push comes to shove... actions speak louder than words.

 

I recognize that sometimes a person ends up with a 100% defective 'train wreck' of a partner. In a case like that, there's nothing much to be done but to get a divorce and do as much for the kids as can be done. But everybody who doesn't fit into that category has a choice about how they treat their marriage and partnership.

[hardcase]

How is that abuse when he doesn't vent it at her?

 

well...TC covered himself/herself by throwing in the "passive" part...meaning if I swallow it and put on a happy face at home even though I am angry at times inside....thats apparantly abuse too. Swallowing pride and bottling up anger is abuse with his/her explanation.

[Art_Critic]

So have you ever been in therapy? If so...highlight for me some of the things discussed so I can respond to them.

Of course I have.. you just quoted my post where I said I was in child/family therapy dealing with ill will that her parents had toward each other..

 

Go ahead and comment..

I was also in MC.. but my marriage and my story isn't what this thread is about..

You just want to take more pot shots at people..

 

Go ahead...

 

I'm happy today.. I have been thru therapy..

Individual for an anger/temper issue.. and well as MC including child/family.

 

If you choose to not better yourself then so be it.. I'm not your father..

 

I was trying to help you..

I feel you need therapy.. period..

[hardcase]

 

I'm willing to bet you enjoy getting checked out by the ladies at the gym.

 

There are no ladies at my gym....maybe a couple...in their 60's.

 

and I am there to work out...not make friends.

 

So much so you know it bothers your wife and you love the slightest "hint" of her knowing so.

 

If my working out bothers her...thats her problem...not mine.

 

Big friggin deal I cheated. It was wrong -- I KNOW THAT! It is in the past and that is where it will remain. I undertand and and will lend support and compassion to anyone who happens along that path.

 

Only one problem...you made it sound like it was your right to cheat and tried to justify it.

 

If you do divorce your wife, I think the real issue might be the fact of your wife meeting another man -- someone who brings her joy and perhaps even be a part of your children's lives. That would kill you, eat you up inside just knowing another man could enjoy being around your children doing "fatherly" type things with them during visitation. God forbid another man be part of children's lives, eh HC/SC?!

 

Why would I care about another man being with my wife after divorce? At least it wouldn't be during my marriage.

 

But there you go again with your attempt at trying to hurt me....nice try pumpkin.

[whichwayisup]

The whole point of therapy is to help you cope with your own feelings about her cheating. So it doesn't kill you and eat you up inside.

 

I did 2 1/2 years of therapy to help me deal with my fears in life, my anxiety disorder and along the way I learned ALOT about me. Sure, I still have my fears and anxieties, but I handle them so much better now and they don't ruin my life.

 

If you find the right therapist, they can help, more than you'll ever know...

 

Going to marriage counselling together, you'll both learn to understand eachother more, "hear" eachother...Therapy gives you tools so life can get easier.

 

I get that you don't want to go to counselling, it's scary and unpredictable at first, but once issues are dealt with, a whole new feeling inside you opens up. Atleast for me it did.

 

Anyway, I know I went for different reasons, the anxiety disorder, I just wanted to let you know my own personal thoughts on therapy.

[michelangelo]

Well if that was the case, then the judge wouldn't give a crap about the well being of my children anymore more than a few others do.

 

The judges may or may not give a crap about the well being of your children. However, a judge will not use your wife's infidelity BEFORE they were born as evidence of her nonfitness as a mother.

 

Much more important to the legal system will be how are things now.

 

If she is not working, and hasn't for years? Well, guess what. They will see her as a stay at home mom.

 

And don't even think for a moment that her lawyer will not trump her up as the best mommy ever.

 

She'll be knitting baby clothes in court if she has to.

 

Wise up.

[hardcase]

well all..its lunchtime...so I'm gonna go engage in a little bit of that abuse....I'm off to da gym!!

[Tomcat33]

well...TC covered himself/herself by throwing in the "passive" part...meaning if I swallow it and put on a happy face at home even though I am angry at times inside....thats apparantly abuse too. Swallowing pride and bottling up anger is abuse with his/her explanation.

 

No no no no...I don't think so!! Passive agression is NOT sitting there with a smile on your face and internalizing all your anger disguising it from your W. If that's what you were doing then that would be very hurtful to you but at least you are trying to get on with your W, and there is nothing to nit pick about that you would be.

 

Passive agression is what you do by fighting with her when she gets jealous that you are working ouy, passive agression is that agression that is manifested oh so subtly that it seems you are doing no harm but you know just the right buttons to push. Not saying this particular case (gym) was passive agression but explaining what it means...

Bottom line it's not in any way positive

[Jinxx]

Only one problem...you made it sound like it was your right to cheat and tried to justify it.

 

Why would I care about another man being with my wife after divorce? At least it wouldn't be during my marriage.

 

But there you go again with your attempt at trying to hurt me. I know...you'll say you aren't trying to and that you think my situation is sad.......nice try pumpkin. Like I said..you or no other woman can hurt me again.

 

Sorry but you *assumed* I justified my affair. Wrong!

 

I'm sure you don't care about your wife being with another man after your divorce. What I think you do care about is your children being around your wife's new boyfriend after divorce. You didn't answer that part.

 

I was not attempting to hurt you. I was sincere in my reply in saying your situation is sad..... It is sad. You put up a huge wall. Everyone is subject to setting themselves up to be hurt. That is a fact of life.

[4whatItsWorth]

Sorry Jinxx...you can't hurt me. Women like you will never hurt me again.

 

Nice try though.

 

I thought women like "that" were already hurting you again, judging by your behaviour.

 

Coming from divorced child situation - kids won't be happy if mommy and daddy are unhappy together. I've lived where the loud arguments were served on a daily basis. (My dad was the cheater.) Perhaps in USA it's impossible to get by after divorce or without a decent college fund, but perhaps you two could ignore letting the court solve it and just say - 50-50? THAT would make things a whole lot easier. To stay only punishes your CHILDREN further. Along with you and your wife. I am not saying she isn't innocent - but ever read "Her needs, His Needs"? Perhaps you didn't meet your wive's needs, perhaps she didn't meet yours - whatever it was it was a progress.

 

Honestly, you married her even though she cheated on you. Either you forgave her then or you somehow was too blinded by love. If you forgave her once, would you be prepared to do it twice?

 

If you stay for the kids - work it out for the love of God.

Otherwise, get a divorce, councelling and hope those kids win scollar ships.

[4whatItsWorth]

Also, is HC and SC the same person now??

[Jinxx]

Also, is HC and SC the same person now??

 

Yes. Wonder why the name change.

[Tomcat33]

Honestly, you married her even though she cheated on you. Either you forgave her then or you somehow was too blinded by love. If you forgave her once, would you be prepared to do it twice?

 

 

 

In HC's defence he did not know she cheated until recently (years after they were married) so he didn't have a chance to forgive or walk away.

So he didn't have a choice before marrying her.

[hardcase]

No no no no...I don't think so!! Passive agression is NOT sitting there with a smile on your face and internalizing all your anger disguising it from your W. If that's what you were doing then that would be very hurtful to you

 

Well thats what I'm doing.

 

Passive agression is what you do by fighting with her when she gets jealous that you are working ouy, passive agression is that agression that is manifested oh so subtly that it seems you are doing no harm but you know just the right buttons to push. Not saying this particular case (gym) was passive agression but explaining what it means...

Bottom line it's not in any way positive

 

Lemme get this straight...she f#cks me over...then, when she is in no position to do so, picks fights like this with me and I'm suppose to be the same loving and understanding sap that she took advantage of to begin with? Sorry..once in a while you just have to give it right back to people.

You can't be the one above it all the time.

[hardcase]

Sorry but you *assumed* I justified my affair. Wrong!

 

I'm sure you don't care about your wife being with another man after your divorce. What I think you do care about is your children being around your wife's new boyfriend after divorce. You didn't answer that part.

 

Well then...lets assume that would bother me...then thanks..you just gave me another reason to go for full custody if/when I do get divorced.

[hardcase]

Perhaps you didn't meet your wive's needs

 

Dont even get me started on that.

 

Honestly, you married her even though she cheated on you.

 

Wrong...she didn't have the "tits" to fess up and tell me so I had the choice. I went into my marriage not knowing.

 

If you stay for the kids - work it out for the love of God.

Otherwise, get a divorce, councelling and hope those kids win scollar ships.

 

I am mad as hell most of all that I have to even worry about the kids. She put me in a position that is a no win. thats what cheaters just don't get...they hurt more than their SO's...and they all say, "oh..the kids will be fine".

 

Ya well the kids would be great if the cheaters could keep it in their pants, or close their legs.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Yo this thread is mad funny!!!lol. I notice the women that come here call what he's doing is abuse and he doesnt have a real marriage. lol.

 

She's the one that cheated, She's the one who did him dirty, she's the one who was acting like a 16yr old girl. So who's at fault.

 

Now that said HC is building his self esteem, whether or not he's throwing that in her face, that is a moot point. It's only been 8 months since he found out she did him dirty. 8 months is not a long time for the wound to still remain fresh in his mind.

 

He's taking the anger and frustration out at the gym, he's still hurt and in pain. It's cool to take his frustrations out at the gym, instead of his wife's face.

 

I think he still loves her but he's working through his issues as best as he can. If y'all would see where he's standing at in his shoes you would understand. I'm not married but I've been in many relationships where the same thing happened to me.

 

Where your taken for granted, used, lied to, all the while the cheater get's away with emotional murder. So I like what HC is doing, he's bolstering his self esteem up back to what it was. He's not having an emotional affair with any female. He's not have a revenge affair with anybody.

 

In the event of divorce he'll be better. So just lay off of him. Give him space to breathe. damn!

[serial muse]

Huh...I know SC/HC can be contentious, and I haven't always agreed with his hard-line stance, much as I personally loathe cheating. But I gotta say, I don't see anything in the original post on this thread that warrants all this animosity!

 

I mean, who can really argue with the idea that "looking good is the best revenge"?? Damn right it is. And for his wife to get weepy and accusing about it...well, c'mon, that is kind of galling and hypocritical, isn't it? Honestly, who, placed in his position, wouldn't have felt the exact same way??

 

Also, I noticed SC/HC mentioned that her response did make him feel a bit bad...and that's a big admission for him. It suggests that he's not such a "hardcase" as he projects on this forum, and that perhaps he is just letting off tons of steam here rather than there...

 

So, yeah. I guess I don't really get what all the fuss is about, when it comes to that first post.

[Tomcat33]

Also, I noticed SC/HC mentioned that her response did make him feel a bit bad...and that's a big admission for him. It suggests that he's not such a "hardcase" as he projects on this forum, and that perhaps he is just letting off tons of steam here rather than there...

 

.

 

Admitting crap here is like throwing words into a long dark tunnel of nothingness....in other words USELESS for the purpose of what he needs to do do to save his marriage. He needs to admit his reflections to HER not us. He ended up engaging in a big fight over this with his W. I'm sure if what he was doing was right for the sanctitiy of the marriage and the well being of it he would have sat down with her and after the fight reassured her in a nice non-confrontational way that he has no desire to do anything to make her feel insecure, he would explain that he is doing things to feel better for him but not to cause her any pain. But there was none of that, not at least that he shared here after the initial fight. And he simply wouldn't he doesn't feel he owes her that kind of respect, because he stated many times he is done giving her anything more. So his actions are indeed passive agressive. Who cares how he looks on the outside if he is truning into this mean, callous person on the inside

 

C'mon it's been 8months how much longer is he going to prolong the revenge attitude? He is stunting the progress of their rel and his own forgiveness.

.

 

 

If what he is seeking is REVENGE then why stay with the woman? When I read this thread I don't see a person who chose to stay with his W because he is willing to work it out, I see a person who stayed with his W for what this very thread states: REVENGE. So looking at it from the outside his actions are as low as hers were. He may not be cheater but he inflicts pain to another human being willingly and selfishly, until he is capable of seeing that and actually correcting it, I wouldn't be so quick to cast stones if I were him...with his air superiority.

[Trialbyfire]

Huh...I know SC/HC can be contentious, and I haven't always agreed with his hard-line stance, much as I personally loathe cheating. But I gotta say, I don't see anything in the original post on this thread that warrants all this animosity!

 

I mean, who can really argue with the idea that "looking good is the best revenge"?? Damn right it is. And for his wife to get weepy and accusing about it...well, c'mon, that is kind of galling and hypocritical, isn't it? Honestly, who, placed in his position, wouldn't have felt the exact same way??

 

Also, I noticed SC/HC mentioned that her response did make him feel a bit bad...and that's a big admission for him. It suggests that he's not such a "hardcase" as he projects on this forum, and that perhaps he is just letting off tons of steam here rather than there...

 

So, yeah. I guess I don't really get what all the fuss is about, when it comes to that first post.

I agree. I wish though, that there was a way he could find some personal happiness.

[hardcase]

Admitting crap here is like throwing words into a long dark tunnel of nothingness....in other words USELESS for the purpose of what he needs to do do to save his marriage. He needs to admit his reflections to HER not us. He ended up engaging in a big fight over this with his W.

 

Uh...no..she engaged it with me. I wanted no part of it.

 

I'm sure if what he was doing was right for the sanctitiy of the marriage and the well being of it he would have sat down with her and after the fight reassured her in a nice non-confrontational way that he has no desire to do anything to make her feel insecure, he would explain that he is doing things to feel better for him but not to cause her any pain.

 

LMFAO....seeing as how that exact thing is something I never got after finding out what she did...why in the hell would I assure her of anything?

 

 

But there was none of that, not at least that he shared here after the initial fight. And he simply wouldn't he doesn't feel he owes her that kind of respect

 

gotta give it to get it.

 

C'mon it's been 8months how much longer is he going to prolong the revenge attitude? He is stunting the progress of their rel and his own forgiveness.

 

I don't have a revenge attitude...she made this into her own self-inflicted revenge. Sometimes you have to carefully read a post to see what the message is TC.

 

I wouldn't be so quick to cast stones if I were him...with his air superiority.

 

I bet you don't believe in the death penalty for serial killers either.

[serial muse]

I wish though, that there was a way he could find some personal happiness.

 

Sigh, me too, TBF. But eight months isn't a very long time...perhaps it's a long time to still feel such hot anger, but I know that it took me a while, 1.5-2 years I'd say, to stop responding unthinkingly to triggers...and I didn't have my spouse there in front of me. I can only imagine what an amazingly complicated process trying to stick it out with this constant reminder there must be...

 

Admitting crap here is like throwing words into a long dark tunnel of nothingness....in other words USELESS for the purpose of what he needs to do do to save his marriage. He needs to admit his reflections to HER not us. He ended up engaging in a big fight over this with his W. I'm sure if what he was doing was right for the sanctitiy of the marriage and the well being of it he would have sat down with her and after the fight reassured her in a nice non-confrontational way that he has no desire to do anything to make her feel insecure, he would explain that he is doing things to feel better for him but not to cause her any pain. But there was none of that, not at least that he shared here after the initial fight. And he simply wouldn't he doesn't feel he owes her that kind of respect, because he stated many times he is done giving her anything more. So his actions are indeed passive agressive. Who cares how he looks on the outside if he is truning into this mean, callous person on the inside

 

C'mon it's been 8months how much longer is he going to prolong the revenge attitude? He is stunting the progress of their rel and his own forgiveness.

.

 

 

If what he is seeking is REVENGE then why stay with the woman? When I read this thread I don't see a person who chose to stay with his W because he is willing to work it out, I see a person who stayed with his W for what this very thread states: REVENGE. So looking at it from the outside his actions are as low as hers were. He may not be cheater but he inflicts pain to another human being willingly and selfishly, until he is capable of seeing that and actually correcting it, I wouldn't be so quick to cast stones if I were him...with his air superiority.

 

He is angry. I agree that the anger is not constructive to rebuilding the marriage, but then neither is an affair. Neither you, nor I, are present in his home to see what's going on between the two of them - all we have are his feelings, filtered through these posts. Personally, I take a post such as the OP on this thread to be a better indicator of where his mind/heart are trending than the subsequent volley of defensive, angry posts that he has made here in response. Yes, I think it's a positive sign. I don't know if they'll stay together, and I don't know if they should. If he can't get his anger under control and see the relationship in a more positive light more consistently, it may be best for everyone if they split up. But it's early days yet. Eight months is not an incredibly long time. It took me more than that just to figure out all (most of??) the times where I realized my ex had lied to me.

 

I understand that SC/HC says incendiary things, and very often I wish he'd tone it down, for his own good especially. I do think he might get help from a therapist to process his anger and decide more calmly whether staying in this relationship is ultimately best for everyone, including his kids (perhaps especially).

 

But that's not what I was saying; my point is that what he initially posted is a valid feeling of 'ha! you're jealous, and screw you' that I'm sure anyone who's been cheated on can relate to. And I think people read him the riot act because of his previous posts and his posting record, and kind of didn't actually listen to what he was saying in that post. JMO.

[Tomcat33]

Uh...no..she engaged it with me. I wanted no part of it.

 

 

I don't have a revenge attitude...she made this into her own self-inflicted revenge. Sometimes you have to carefully read a post to see what the message is TC.

 

 

 

I bet you don't believe in the death penalty for serial killers either.

 

First of all your original post stated that you ended up in a big fight, if you wanted no part of it why did turn into a big fight?

 

I do read carefully, that's how I draw my conclusions and it appears I am not the only one that noticed you carry far too much anger.

 

NO I don't believe in capital punshment, under no circumstances.

[Tomcat33]

 

 

He is angry. I agree that the anger is not constructive to rebuilding the marriage, but then neither is an affair. Neither you, nor I, are present in his home to see what's going on between the two of them - all we have are his feelings, filtered through these posts. Personally, I take a post such as the OP on this thread to be a better indicator of where his mind/heart are trending than the subsequent volley of defensive, angry posts that he has made here in response. Yes, I think it's a positive sign. I don't know if they'll stay together, and I don't know if they should. If he can't get his anger under control and see the relationship in a more positive light more consistently, it may be best for everyone if they split up. But it's early days yet. Eight months is not an incredibly long time. It took me more than that just to figure out all (most of??) the times where I realized my ex had lied to me.

 

I understand that SC/HC says incendiary things, and very often I wish he'd tone it down, for his own good especially. I do think he might get help from a therapist to process his anger and decide more calmly whether staying in this relationship is ultimately best for everyone, including his kids (perhaps especially).

 

But that's not what I was saying; my point is that what he initially posted is a valid feeling of 'ha! you're jealous, and screw you' that I'm sure anyone who's been cheated on can relate to. And I think people read him the riot act because of his previous posts and his posting record, and kind of didn't actually listen to what he was saying in that post. JMO.

 

Well it appears we agree more than we disagree. I don't know how much time is too long or too short, all I know is that the OP claims he is sticking it out for the children and the children are witness to all this anger, there is no way it is not being manifested at home in one way or another, therefore if he is unwilling to seek therapy, unwilling to get past the anger and most of all unwilling to forgive, he might as well stay for his own personal selfish reasons ie. revenge, NOT for the children. JMO