Best revenge on a cheating spouse...

[Tomcat33]

Now why would I explode to a question like that?...its a perfectly legit question.

 

Yes..as I have mentioned before numerous times...in the last 7 years while married, I thought I was being an understanding husband and watching our children while she had time with her friends. She'd come home at 4am and, although I wasn't really worried because I trusted her, she would say after the club, they would go to her friends house and shoot the bull for a while to wind down.

 

Then after I found out that she cheated while we were engaged...I no longer trusted her and asked more questions about her whereabouts between 1 and 4am on nights like that. Her friends can't seem to get their stories straight on whose house they were at.

 

So yes...she has given me reason.

 

 

 

No. She was in her late 20's when this was going on...she was an adult..not a 21 year old college girl.

If she was immature at the age of 27...then we should up the drinking age to 30.

 

 

 

If you think I wish I could cheat ....why have I never cheated on anyone in my life? I don't cheat...never have...never will.

 

And if I really wanted to cheat...I would..children or not. Because cheaters are selfish people and don't give a shi!t who they hurt. So if I were the cheating type...I would have by now.

 

Well yes 27 is an adult but it depends how old you both were when you got together and had children it "appears" that maybe she felt like she still needed to get some "careless" living out of her system.

 

Would you ever go out to clubs when she was doing so in the past few years? Was this a mutual agreement in your rel? One weekend was girl's night out the other guy's night out, that type of thing?

[Missy27]

Exactly...if I were venting at home...I wouldn't need to come here.

 

Believe me, my wife knows how I feel....but this is where I release it.

 

Actually, I release it at the gym...but from what I understand from the reply....my bettering myself is mental abuse to her.....I really should stop lifting weights and abusing her like that....*rolling eyes*

 

You know HC, what she, or should I say you both are going through now is symptomatic of the reprucussions of infidelity. It tends to happen this way. The cheating spouse feels relieved and grateful to still be in the marriage, but there is always that niggling thought that the betrayed spouse is going to seek revenge on the cheating spouse by committing the same act back to them. Tit for tat so to speak. No matter how well she knows you or how much you tell her that it is not in your nature to do such a thing, her mind will be telling her differently.

 

This mindset is difficult to overcome and can sometimes break down the reconicilliation process significantly. As you well know, its all about rebuilding the trust again, and your trust has been kicked right out of you. Its hard and it takes hard hard work, you know that. I'm not trying to tell you to suck eggs but your relationship needs to be stripped back down to its bear bones and rebuilt again, stronger and deeper and more weatherproof than ever before. She needs to suck up what she's done and be totally transparent with you .. about EVERYTHING. You need to quit playing the mind games a bit, because although I don't in any way condone what your W did, I do think you enjoy watching her suffer just a little bit

 

if you're gonna make this work, start letting her at least try to start the rebuilding process again, you might be pleasantly surprised at her efforts if you just let her in a little bit. Do you mind me asking how your sex life / emotional intimacy with eachother stands at the moment ?

[hardcase]

because he is super agressive and attacks posters he deems as "morally" unfit

 

I chastise those who don't care who they hurt...especially when homewrecking is involved.

 

And anyone who f#cks someone other than their spouse, or beds down someone elses spouse is, in fact, "morally" unfit.

 

Or are they providing a nobel service?

[hardcase]

Well yes 27 is an adult but it depends how old you both were when you got together and had children it "appears" that maybe she felt like she still needed to get some "careless" living out of her system.

 

Then she shouldn't have gotten married...and SHE pushed for marriage like a motivational speaker. Not that I didn't want to get married...but she was gung ho about it.

 

Would you ever go out to clubs when she was doing so in the past few years? Was this a mutual agreement in your rel? One weekend was girl's night out the other guy's night out, that type of thing?

 

When you are married...clubs are not acceptable...I realize that now in spades.

 

And my guys night out consists of playing cards in my friend's garage just a few blocks away with absolutely NO women around.

[Tomcat33]

Then she shouldn't have gotten married...and SHE pushed for marriage like a motivational speaker. Not that I didn't want to get married...but she was gung ho about it.

 

 

 

When you are married...clubs are not acceptable...I realize that now in spades.

 

And my guys night out consists of playing cards in my friend's garage just a few blocks away with absolutely NO women around.

 

 

AHA! Bingo, "clubs are not acceptable..." when you are married. NO KIDDING. Why in the world would you be out clubbing every so often with single people (going to the pit of debautery and sex starved singles) when you have a H/W KIDS at home...C'mon you both made a huge mistake in allowing this kind of lifestyle when it appeared neither one of you were really ready for marriage. Or are you saying she only went and you didn't!?!?

[hardcase]

As you well know, its all about rebuilding the trust again, and your trust has been kicked right out of you. Its hard and it takes hard hard work, you know that. I'm not trying to tell you to suck eggs but your relationship needs to be stripped back down to its bear bones and rebuilt again, stronger and deeper and more weatherproof than ever before.

 

That will never happen....I'm not saying a certain level of trust can't be gained back...but it will never be 100%...and the relationship will never be stronger than ever before. From what I understand of ppl that have gone to therapy, even a counselor will say, never expect 100% trust again...but settle for 90%.

 

She needs to suck up what she's done and be totally transparent with you .. about EVERYTHING.

 

Fat chance there.

 

You need to quit playing the mind games a bit, because although I don't in any way condone what your W did, I do think you enjoy watching her suffer just a little bit

 

Oh I won't argue that I think it is fitting justice about how she feels...but I didn't do anything to make her feel that way...she came to her own conclusions about why I am bettering myself and decided to pick a fight over it.

 

if you're gonna make this work, start letting her at least try to start the rebuilding process again, you might be pleasantly surprised at her efforts if you just let her in a little bit. Do you mind me asking how your sex life / emotional intimacy with eachother stands at the moment ?

 

about once every couple of weeks if we are lucky....funny thing is...I used to want it all the time from her....now I want it still...but its changed.

 

I always consider it making love and savored every minute of it with her....now, for the time being anyway...its not like that....I hate to say it...but its like now I only do it for the sake of having sex..there is still a little intimacy there....but its damn hard now that I know what she has done. I sit there and think..."hmmmm...so this is what happened with her and another guy behind my back"...and I just go through the motions.

[Tomcat33]

I chastise those who don't care who they hurt...especially when homewrecking is involved.

 

And anyone who f#cks someone other than their spouse, or beds down someone elses spouse is, in fact, "morally" unfit.

 

Or are they providing a nobel service?

 

 

Are you, by lashing out at strangers for your own personal issues?

[hardcase]

AHA! Bingo, "clubs are not acceptable..." when you are married. NO KIDDING. Why in the world would you be out clubbing every so often with single people (going to the pit of debautery and sex starved singles) when you have a H/W KIDS at home...C'mon you both made a huge mistake in allowing this kind of lifestyle when it appeared neither one of you were really ready for marriage. Or are you saying she only went and you didn't!?!?

 

She only went and I didn't..what do you think I meant when I'd say that SHE comes home at 4am while I stayed home with the kids?...and I was ready for marriage from the get go. I can handle not needing to be with someone other than my SO.

 

And she never went to clubs when we were courting...only when a few of her, and I realize they are now, sleazy friends started getting her to go out.

Like I said...I thought nothing of it and thought I was being a good husband by giving her some space with her friends.

 

Well now that her friends have lied to me to my face...they are no longer allowed in my home and she no longer goes to clubs with them.

[hardcase]

Are you, by lashing out at strangers for your own personal issues?

 

yes...I think it is nobel for someone to stand up for the people they are f#cking over. Now I am kidding about the "nobel" part in that comment...but not the rest.

 

And I don't lash out at them with my personal issues...I lash out because of their issues and what they are doing to other people.

 

Or do you think that people who don't care one damn bit about the people they hurt just so they can get their own "needs" met should be coddled and understood?

I really want you to answer that...its not a rhetorical question.

[Tomcat33]

yes...I think it is nobel for someone to stand up for the people they are f#cking over. Now I am kidding about the "nobel" part in that comment...but not the rest.

 

And I don't lash out at them with my personal issues...I lash out because of their issues and what they are doing to other people.

 

Or do you think that people who don't care one damn bit about the people they hurt just so they can get their own "needs" met should be coddled and understood?

I really want you to answer that...its not a rhetorical question.

 

 

So in other words you think that psychological vigilanteism makes the world a better place? Is this what you teach your children?

 

I don't think selfish people should be coddled no, understood? WHY NOT?

Everyone is driven by something other than what meets the eye.

But if that's the case, that we should not understand anyone then aren't we all selfish one way or another? Why do you feel so superior to human kind? There are plenty of things that go on around us that we won't agree with, but personally I don't believe in change through agression. Good will, perseverance, dedication, focus moves mountains, agression destroys them. It's ok to argue opinions to have differing views, to have passion but to inflict agression is really not all that constructive IMO. At least I don't see it that way, you might...

 

So I believe you have chosen to stunt yourself in a place that feels good, and you are not willing to progress because it feels better to stay as is. I find that selfish in a way.

[hardcase]

So in other words you think that psychological vigilanteism makes the world a better place?

 

Nope..not saying that at all...but the things these people are doing to others definitely makes the world a shi!ttier place to live.

 

I don't think selfish people should be coddled no, understood? WHY NOT?

Everyone is driven by something other than what meets the eye.

But if that's the case, that we should not understand anyone then aren't we all selfish one way or another?

 

Sure..we are all a little selfish in some way shape or form about something.

The difference is...whose selfishness hurts others...and whose selfishness is just a matter of something else....like greed.

[Tomcat33]

Nope..not saying that at all...but the things these people are doing to others definitely makes the world a shi!ttier place to live.

 

 

 

Sure..we are all a little selfish in some way shape or form about something.

The difference is...whose selfishness hurts others...and whose selfishness is just a matter of something else....like greed.

 

 

I agree, liars, cheaters, betrayers, greedy self absorbed people make a sh@#ier place to live. However we can all fall into one form or another of any of these if we are not careful. Some poeple would never fall into many of these categories, but we all can and will fall in at least one.

 

Do you believe people act out agression or commit violence or wrongful acts out of sport? If you do then there is not reason why we should excuse your agressive behaviour. You see where you may think you are above the rest is really only a different form of the rest. So to be fair, we either agree that we all have our reasons for being rotten at any given time or we don't.

 

Look I've been cheated on before it's terrible pain, I know it all too well. BUT though you were not in a position to choose the actual act of deceit, you are now in a place to make a choice, you have to choose to agree to work your feelings out or restart your life with someone else. And this may also be part of your resentment the fact that you do have to choose this when you didn't ASK to have to make this choice. I understand that is VERY frustrating. However, everytime you lash out at someone that is irrelevant to your situation no matter how similar it is, it only cements you deeper into your own pain, it holds you down. Do you really want that? Why work out the body so much if you are destroying your mind? You can't compartmentalise your body from your mind, they must function in unison.

 

 

Get frustrated let it out feel and lash out all you want about your situation you have to get it out. But learning to forgive is very important in the overall wellbeing of your situation, and youself. If you learn to forgive strangers you might actually achieve the forgiveness your relationship needs to grow and be better than trusting 100%.

You know something? trusting 100% is futile it's trusting blindly, I think we should all have a little bit of doubt it's healthy to have a little bit of doubt it keeps us on our toes and makes us strive for better. If we feel a 100% about something it's a done deal, there is nothing more to work towards because it's 100%. Maybe 95% is better for the two of you, maybe 95% is just what you need to reinvent yourselves to form something better and stronger. But that cannot happen if you resisit it. I do see a lot of resistance...sorry SC.

[hardcase]

Get frustrated let it out feel and lash out all you want about your situation you have to get it out. But learning to forgive is very important in the overall wellbeing of your situation, and youself. If you learn to forgive strangers you might actually achieve the forgiveness your relationship needs to grow and be better than trusting 100%.

 

What is to forgive about people who bring harm to innocent parties and have no intention of ceasing said actions?

 

Forgiveness is for people who have admitted a wrong doing and are taking steps to correct it. The people I have the problem with are the ones that are hurting people...don't care, and have no intentions of quitting their selfish behavior. People like that are not deserving of any forgiveness.

 

 

You know something? trusting 100% is futile it's trusting blindly

 

Then why did you say above that you can trust more than 100% You're not making much sense here.

[Tomcat33]

What is to forgive about people who bring harm to innocent parties and have no intention of ceasing said actions?

 

Forgiveness is for people who have admitted a wrong doing and are taking steps to correct it. The people I have the problem with are the ones that are hurting people...don't care, and have no intentions of quitting their selfish behavior. People like that are not deserving of any forgiveness.

 

 

 

 

Then why did you say above that you can trust more than 100% You're not making much sense here.

 

That's where you are missing the point, forgiveness is FOR YOU not the other person. It's liberating yourself from your own pain.

 

Where did I say "you CAN trust more than 100%" please point that out, unless it was a typo I would never have said that. From a simple mathematical stand point 100% is total and complete there is no "more" than that. That's why the expression "I gave 110%" is stupid

it's like saying "I want infinite money squared." "Infinite" is endless you want that twice? LOL

[hardcase]

Where did I say "you CAN trust more than 100%" please point that out

 

No problem:

"If you learn to forgive strangers you might actually achieve the forgiveness your relationship needs to grow and be better than trusting 100%."

 

Now if you meant something different, then the sentence wasn't very well worded.

[Tomcat33]

No problem:

"If you learn to forgive strangers you might actually achieve the forgiveness your relationship needs to grow and be better than trusting 100%."

 

Now if you meant something different, then the sentence wasn't very well worded.

 

 

I meant your relationship can be better than that of a rel. where you are trusting 100%. Not trust more than 100%.

[jmargel]

is looking good.

 

No joke. Everyone here knows my story I'm sure.

Well, my wife and I got in a huge fight that she instigated....and guess what it was about....me going to the gym several times a week.

 

I guess she feels her best days are behind her and probably doesn't find herself attractive any longer...I guess thats one of the reasons she cheated no matter how many times I'd tell her how beautiful she was and showed her.

 

Anyway, she asked me..."who are you trying to look all good for". I was like WTF? I said I was doing this for me since she sure as hell wasn't going to help me with any self-esteem issues after her cheating.

 

I told her that I wasn't like her and I work out to improve myself for me and to feel good about myself. She insists that I am doing it to go out and revenge cheat on her. I assured her that even though she cheated on me that I wouldn't stoop to that level.

 

But oh is it ever sweet now that the tables are somewhat turned. She is now getting a taste of what she has dished out in the past even though I would never cheat. I believe that if I cheat on my wife I cheat on my children.

 

Anyway I told her.."doesn't feel very good when you think your spouse is f#cking around on you does it?...now you know how I feel" She started balling...it kind of felt good that she is in some pain...but bad at the same time. But the thing is...I didn't do anything to cause her this pain other than workout...geez.

 

So bottom line...if someone cheats on you and you decide to stay for whatever reason, kids...possibility of working things out...do something for yourself. I swear, if you look better than you ever had, your cheaters will be eating their hearts out of fear that you might show them what its like.

 

 

She's still screwing around on you. One red flag is usually a cheater will accuse their spouse of the thing they are doing. If she's stopped, she'll start again soon. If she said she cheated because she didn't feel 'beautiful' then she'll start feeling that way again since she's convinced that you are doing this to get attention from other women.

 

So you are basically screwed both ways. If you are not in MC you better get into it soon, or just ditch her.

[Tomcat33]

She's still screwing around on you. One red flag is usually a cheater will accuse their spouse of the thing they are doing. If she's stopped, she'll start again soon. If she said she cheated because she didn't feel 'beautiful' then she'll start feeling that way again since she's convinced that you are doing this to get attention from other women.

 

So you are basically screwed both ways. If you are not in MC you better get into it soon, or just ditch her.

 

Oh c'mon that's so not fair....and it's not necessarily true, someone could feel jealous or insecure of their partner and it doesn not mean that they themselves are doing something wrong. It's clear in this case she just walks on eggshells wondering "will he or won't he..." It's natural, she created her own self fulfilled prophecy. If he has doubts he could get to the bottom of it but just beacause she is feeling insecure of him doesn't mean she is doing it...I dunnow...I don't think so..

[Art_Critic]

Oh c'mon that's so not fair....and it's not necessarily true,

 

Yesterday I thought the same as jmargel.. I think a case could be made for jmargel's post..

 

If she isn't still cheating she is most likely thinking about doing it again..

I didn't post yesterday because I didn't want to be the one to say it.. and I was pushing HC to talk about the nice things about his wife and I didn't want my message to sound twisted

[NoIDidn't]

Doesn't he come on here to vent his REAL problems and emotions, isn't that the point of LS?

 

What a ridiculous statement!

 

He should be venting his REAL problems in his REAL LIFE. Not online. LS is not a substitute for REAL LIFE.

[NoIDidn't]

And I seriously disagree with ALL that say that SC/HC is just venting.

 

Venting does not involve the intentionally hurtful barbs that he throws around, to any that don't fit into his way of thinking. That includes everyone here, not just OPs.

 

The definition of venting is being stretched here. Just my two.

 

I am leaving this alone after this. I find it very difficult to converse with anyone that can only see what they want to see. Just like the OPs, SC changes the subject to something else when confronted with his own behavior.

 

My H asks me about my "boyfriend" at the gym, and I simply tell him "oh, he's fine."

 

For me, SC is simply being a hypocrite. Either that or he's painted himself into a corner where he can't say anything positive or nice about the W he seems to hate on this board.

 

He needs to be talking to her about his very REAL feelings. Not all this venting. Its not healthy.

[Chrome Barracuda]

She's still screwing around on you. One red flag is usually a cheater will accuse their spouse of the thing they are doing. If she's stopped, she'll start again soon. If she said she cheated because she didn't feel 'beautiful' then she'll start feeling that way again since she's convinced that you are doing this to get attention from other women.

 

So you are basically screwed both ways. If you are not in MC you better get into it soon, or just ditch her.

 

Aww that wasnt very nice. I dont think she's messing around on him, she's insecure about what she did knowing that there's a possibility for a revenge affair on his part.

 

If she cheats again, his working out is the first step to moving on. He'll be ready if and when the time comes, You think he's in a bad place mentally. Go to www.survivinginfidelity.com trust me there are men there who are borderline suicidal. But he's doing the good thing by being there. If she can get through the guilt of what she did, she can reclaim her husband. Him working out and being better emotionally is better than what she did, also he can be a better husband but she has to fight for him and their marriage.

[Jinxx]

Yesterday I thought the same as jmargel.. I think a case could be made for jmargel's post..

 

Ditto. Was keeping my big mouth shut but that was the first thought that came to my mind.

[Darth Vader]

You never answered the question/s, why put up with the crap that your wife deals to you? What is your wife doing when you're at work? Not at home? Someone else mentioned about red flags, I suggest that you find out some information as to what your wife is still up to. Your wife will not stop cheating, and you know it!

[Darth Vader]

Aww that wasnt very nice. I dont think she's messing around on him, she's insecure about what she did knowing that there's a possibility for a revenge affair on his part.

 

If she cheats again, his working out is the first step to moving on. He'll be ready if and when the time comes, You think he's in a bad place mentally. Go to www.survivinginfidelity.com trust me there are men there who are borderline suicidal. But he's doing the good thing by being there. If she can get through the guilt of what she did, she can reclaim her husband. Him working out and being better emotionally is better than what she did, also he can be a better husband but she has to fight for him and their marriage.

 

 

That's the problem, she won't!