hardcase Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 And I seriously disagree with ALL that say that SC/HC is just venting. Venting does not involve the intentionally hurtful barbs that he throws around, to any that don't fit into his way of thinking. Oh puulease....I don't throw "barbs" at people that simply don't share my point of view or disagree with me....I throw them at people who cheat on other people, or sleep with other people's spouses with no remorse about who they hurt as long as they are getting "theirs". My H asks me about my "boyfriend" at the gym, and I simply tell him "oh, he's fine." Your H sounds like he was kidding..my wife was not. She was truly picking a fight with me over my working out. He needs to be talking to her about his very REAL feelings. . believe me....I have.
hardcase Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 You never answered the question/s, why put up with the crap that your wife deals to you? What is your wife doing when you're at work? Not at home? Someone else mentioned about red flags, I suggest that you find out some information as to what your wife is still up to. Your wife will not stop cheating, and you know it! When I'm at work...she is at work...we are both home in the evenings...and she is no longer going out with her friends to clubs. I now keep tabs on her...and no...that doesn't mean having to know where she is every minute of every day. She knows I am not going to sit idle by any longer.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Look hardcase, SC, Whatever may happen to your marriage you do what needs to be done. I feel tht in life when your betrayed your under no obligation to stay with your offending partner, even though the betrayed may seek reconciliation, I would not fault you if you walked away. There is a difference for people who make an honest mistake and you see the remorse and they make it up to you and they earn your forgiveness. They dont earn it by bull****ing you they earn it like they did in the begining. But there is some people who dont need to be forgiven, they maliciously cheat and when given the opportunity dump all over the betrayed, and act as if the world revolves around them. Whatever you do in life from here on out. You'll do it better than before because your stronger. If she's cheating, if she's not. That's a moot point. It's your life you got to live it.
Unforgetable77 Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Hi SC/HC I can totally sympathise with u and undertand exactly the emotions that are running through u, I have been there myself, tried for 18 months to put it all behind me, unfortunatley it has now ended in D I do agree with most of the posters here, U do seem very angry and bitter towards your W understandably, But u have chosen to stick it out, correct me if i'm wrong but isnt that the same as willing to forgive her and move on?? but it seems like u r not trying to forgive her at all, just show her how angry u are, i have been there done it so to speak and every little action that gets a negative response from them gives u a slight kick, I have felt this and done this myself over and over again as sad as it is( i don't even know if i am making sence sorry) may i ask why u continue to put urself through this crap?? please don't say for the kids as i don't think this as a valuable reason(my kids suffered no end and are so much happier now that we have split, they have ways of picking up on nasty vibes no matter how careful u are) i have stated in previous posts of my own that i now realise i only agreed to try and work it out for my own self esteem in other words i didn't want the OW to think she had got the better of me/win, I finally give in took him by the balls could not take anymore and threw him out straight back into her arms, but hey i don't give a crap i took what i wanted and love the fact that he is only with her cause i don't want him.... U always slam the OW and i am sure as hell going to be slammed for this but i am now an OW and believe it or not, we are just as ordinary as u, we have feelings too, yes i do feel guilt everyday of my life admittingly i don't feel it when i am with MM perhaps because it just seems right when we are together but as soon as we are apart the guilt sets in....I really do feel sorry for his W and i don't get a kick out of knowing how hurt she would be... but when all is said and done i am now single and its not my place to tell her its his, he is the one that has to face her when he goes home, and when the crap hits the fan its his responsibility to deal with it..... Okies i am now bracing myself for the slamming which is about to come, feel free to say what u want but u are so wrong when u say OW don't care or have any remorse or regret, some may not but i certainly do and if it was my choice i would tell his W but it is not, IMO u should deal with your anger before u even consider trying to forgive her 8 months is a short time and only time will tell I'm not here to judge anyone for their actions or beliefs i enjoy reading all posts and can associate with most of them and I firmly believe everyone is entitled to an opinion...each post is individual and should be treated that way ay anyway GOOD LUCK SC/HC my thoughts are with u
hardcase Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 U always slam the OW and i am sure as hell going to be slammed for this but i am now an OW and believe it or not, we are just as ordinary as u, we have feelings too, yes i do feel guilt everyday of my life admittingly i don't feel it when i am with MM perhaps because it just seems right when we are together but as soon as we are apart the guilt sets in....I really do feel sorry for his W and i don't get a kick out of knowing how hurt she would be... but when all is said and done i am now single and its not my place to tell her its his, he is the one that has to face her when he goes home, and when the crap hits the fan its his responsibility to deal with it..... That doesn't absolve you of any responsibility in the matter. Okies i am now bracing myself for the slamming which is about to come, feel free to say what u want but u are so wrong when u say OW don't care or have any remorse or regret, some may not but i certainly do and if it was my choice i would tell his W but it is not, You cannot say that you care, then say you have no responsibility in the matter...it doesn't work like that.
Tomcat33 Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 When I'm at work...she is at work...we are both home in the evenings...and she is no longer going out with her friends to clubs. I now keep tabs on her...and no...that doesn't mean having to know where she is every minute of every day. She knows I am not going to sit idle by any longer. For what it's worth, I have serious doubts that she is cheating on you. Even before you mentioned this last part that there is literally not much opportunity....it just doesn't sound like she is doing that simply because she questions your working out. I think it's more that she is worried you might be contemplating doing it to her.
hardcase Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 For what it's worth, I have serious doubts that she is cheating on you. I don't think she is either...not after I found out anyway. Even before you mentioned this last part that there is literally not much opportunity....it just doesn't sound like she is doing that simply because she questions your working out. I think it's more that she is worried you might be contemplating doing it to her. Yup...and although I don't work out to make her jealous, it is nice to have her now know how I felt. And no that isn't saying that I enjoy it.
Unforgetable77 Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 That doesn't absolve you of any responsibility in the matter. You cannot say that you care, then say you have no responsibility in the matter...it doesn't work like that. I'm not getting into arguements about responsibility........ YES .... I shouldn't be involved with MM fullstop!! I am equally responsible for the A.... NO .... MM is M to his W...that side of it is his responsibility not mine! does NOT make me a heartless b#tch Everyone is entitled to thier opinions HC and i'm not knocking you for yours
Trialbyfire Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 I'm not getting into arguements about responsibility........ YES .... I shouldn't be involved with MM fullstop!! I am equally responsible for the A.... NO .... MM is M to his W...that side of it is his responsibility not mine! does NOT make me a heartless b#tch Everyone is entitled to thier opinions HC and i'm not knocking you for yours I don't understand OW like you, u77. You knew the pain you personally experienced and yet are willing to enter into an affair where the same pain will happen to someone else, but this time, the cause will be 50% you.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 Yeah being in an affair when you was just hurt on the other end of the affair a while ago sucks. You was hurt by your husband so your gonna hurt someone else. Why couldnt you find someone single? What if his wife finds out and decides to come after you, then what? I've seen crazy **** you wouldnt believe.
Unforgetable77 Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 I now feel like i am hi-jacking HC's thread and sorry but.......... ok my A with MM started way back in 1993, yes before i got married, yes i was honest and open with my exH before i got married (at that time A had ended) yes i got involved with same MM while i was married and yes i probably deserved what i got when my exH cheated on me AND yes it is a long story..... As for his W coming after me..... i'm not scared or affraid, i can give as good as i get but whatever she decides to do i will most probably deserve it anyway
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 Wow so all throughout your life you've been messing with this same man? Then if that's the case how come you didnt marry him? Why marry your husband, your marriage just looked like one big joke! Also you say that's what you deserve right? Why do you say that? Do you want to take her place in his life and be his wife? If so then why. Sorry for the TJ HC.
hardcase Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 NO .... MM is M to his W...that side of it is his responsibility not mine! does NOT make me a heartless b#tch Whatever you say.
hardcase Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 Sorry for the TJ HC. I don't believe threads get hijacked...they evolve....no big deal.
Unforgetable77 Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 OH come on HC i havent done anything to you personally, why do u flame people because of your personal painfull experiences?? each to their own i say and yes u are entitled to give your opinions and views the same as everyone else but seems u like to make enemies
hardcase Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 OH come on HC i havent done anything to you personally, why do u flame people because of your personal painfull experiences?? How did I flame you? I told you the truth as I see it plain and simple. I didn't call you a name or tell you to quit spreading your legs for other women's husbands or anything like that now did I? As far as flaming others...sorry..they deserve it. They f#ck around with other people's spouses without a care as to who they are hurting (even though you don't care because you think you have no responsibility in the matter)
Jinxx Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 As far as flaming others...sorry..they deserve it. They f#ck around with other people's spouses without a care as to who they are hurting (even though you don't care because you think you have no responsibility in the matter) Just like your wife did! She is no different then any of us who f#cked around. Why do you stay with her? Don't even use the excuse "because of the kids" -- that is all it is.... an excuse.
hardcase Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 Just like your wife did! Sorry Jinxx...you can't hurt me. Women like you will never hurt me again. Nice try though. She is no different then any of us who f#cked around. Why do you stay with her? Don't even use the excuse "because of the kids" -- that is all it is.... an excuse. You're right...she isn't any different. And yes...because I have small children, its complicated. They may be fine emotionally after a while if we divorce(which still might happen...too soon to tell), but their futures will be thrown in the toilet if we divorce. So here you have it...I could divorce and get away from this for my own "happiness" and throw their futures away. Sorry...someone has to be responsible to the kids. I have hopes and dreams for them...and they won't happen with a divorce. So yes, I can divorce her, and still might...but I would do it knowing that everything I had wanted for them will be thrown away. Jinxx...I know you don't care what happens to kids in divorce...but I do..especially my own kids.
hardcase Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 Why do you stay with her? Don't even use the excuse "because of the kids" -- that is all it is.... an excuse. Ok Ms. Phd in Psychology...if I am not staying for my kids...then why do you think?
Jinxx Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 Sorry Jinxx...you can't hurt me. Women like you will never hurt me again. Nice try though. You're right...she isn't any different. And yes...because I have small children, its complicated. They may be fine emotionally after a while if we divorce(which still might happen...too soon to tell), but their futures will be thrown in the toilet if we divorce. So here you have it...I could divorce and get away from this for my own "happiness" and throw their futures away. Sorry...someone has to be responsible to the kids. I have hopes and dreams for them...and they won't happen with a divorce. So yes, I can divorce her, and still might...but I would do it knowing that everything I had wanted for them will be thrown away. Jinxx...I know you don't care what happens to kids in divorce...but I do..especially my own kids. First -- I'm not trying to hurt you. Your wife has already done that and you are the one suffering and you are the only one the that get the help you need to cope. Lashing out at me might make you feel better but it won't solve your problem. So nice try. Second -- You can still divorce your wife and be a father to your children. Don't judge me and assume I do not care what happens to kids in divorce. My kids have always come first. My two children (product of divorce at my ex-husband's doing) did not divorce them but divorced me because he was not happy and found happiness with his OW. Our children have done just well. They are much better off being with two sets of families who LOVE them rather than living with their natural parents in an environment where there is on-going turmoil. You might not agree but Kids are smart and pick up on it when there are problems between their parents. You say you are being responsible for your kids. I bet your wife is too. What makes you so much better than her in the responsibility department. You make it sound like *you* are the one that carries the weight of the world for your family without giving your wife any credit. You are suffering tremendously. Get help..... from a marriage counselor. Going to the gym and *looking good* is not going to solve your problems. That is also an excuse.
Art_Critic Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 You might not agree but Kids are smart and pick up on it when there are problems between their parents. Kids are sponges for negative energy.. Kids are always more aware of what is going on and they are affected in ways we don't understand. A child when faced with parents that are in conflict don't have the tools to cope.. they are emotionally too immature to deal with adult problems but they have the ability to detect and absorb all the negative energy.. Then they do something that we don't expect them to do.. they carry the burden of their parents fighting.. They believe they are the cause of it.. and because they don't know how to handle it they internalize it.. Remember HC..Kids are sponges for negative energy.. your kids are being affected in a negative manner right now today as we speak by what is happening to you and your wife.. and they blame themselves... Get yourself and your wife in MC.. your anger has to be seething into your children's lives..
michelangelo Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 I can relate to hard case's dilemma. There are only so many bucks to toss around in the family economic "pie." It's hard enough to survive these days in one household, let alone two. If he splits up with his wife he'll now have to still maintain his former house and find a way to pay for a new place. This means significant economic hardship for everyone. Please don't trivialize what that will mean to the kids and to himself (or even the cheating wife for that matter).
hardcase Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 You say you are being responsible for your kids. I bet your wife is too. By cheating? And yes, I know she has cheated during marriage...I just have no hard proof. Cheaters are not thinking of the responsibility to their kids when they do things to destroy their family. What makes you so much better than her in the responsibility department. Uh...that I would never do anything that would have destroyed the family like she has. You make it sound like *you* are the one that carries the weight of the world for your family without giving your wife any credit. I am. She went running around to clubs with friends, lying about where she was while I stayed home with the kids. What credit should I be giving my wife? ...the credit for not acting like a wife and mother and instead that of single college girl. Last I checked, responsible parents don't stay out til 4 in the morning and lie to the spouse that stayed home about their whereabouts. Her friends have lied for her too. Going to the gym and *looking good* is not going to solve your problems. That is also an excuse. I never said working out was solving my problems...its something I am doing for myself. I've done everything for her and my kids....now its time to look after me a little bit.
hardcase Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 Remember HC..Kids are sponges for negative energy.. Thats why I work off the negative energy elsewhere. your kids are being affected in a negative manner right now today as we speak by what is happening to you and your wife.. and they blame themselves... They are 5 and 2. And what is "happening" to my wife?
hardcase Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 I can relate to hard case's dilemma. There are only so many bucks to toss around in the family economic "pie." It's hard enough to survive these days in one household, let alone two. If he splits up with his wife he'll now have to still maintain his former house and find a way to pay for a new place. This means significant economic hardship for everyone. Please don't trivialize what that will mean to the kids and to himself (or even the cheating wife for that matter). First off...I will be only required to pay child support...which I would gladly do and then some. And if I divorce...I won't be the one leaving the house...she wouldn't be able to afford it. I would have to live in it until I could sell it. However...I just started saving for their future and college....all of that will be gone. Don't even get me started on student loan BS either...I never wanted to burden them with paying $100K loan...might as well forget college and work at a factory. Bottom line...I didn't bring my children into this world so I could tell them, "tough luck buddies...you're on your own now".
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