Best revenge on a cheating spouse...

[hardcase]

What would you rather have, him working out at the gym or him working out and beating his wife. But SCHC I admit it is nitpicking in a way.

 

 

Yes, it was nitpicking...I admit. But I don't throw it in her face....she started the fight, and I fought back. There wouldn't be any nitpicking if she didn't try to make me feel bad about doing something for myself.

 

Its like someone punching you in the face, but not expecting to be punched back.

 

Do you reassure her in the marriage that your not leaving. The best thing to do is assuage her fears. That's the best advice.

 

I do, and I even said that in the original post in this thread. She knows I'm not a cheater and never will be.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Then if that's the case hardcase, sc. I dont see anyhting wrong with what your doing, it sounds like she has self esteem issues. She needs psychological help, do you have enough for a marital therapist?

 

8 months is a short time to just forgive and forget. Sometimes it takes years to get through the pain.

[hardcase]

8 months is a short time to just forgive and forget. Sometimes it takes years to get through the pain.

 

Yup...and thats just what these people don't get.

 

Even if the anger and pain go away in the near future....what she did will stay with me for the rest of my life.

 

So it perplexes me that I am sentenced to a life of thinking about what she did, but people are appalled that she has to have it just a little uncomfortable for a short period of time?....amazing eh?

[Tomcat33]

Ok fine you want me to get down to the nitty grity of how I come up with my observation, my pleasure:

 

 

is looking good.

 

No joke. Everyone here knows my story I'm sure.

Well, my wife and I got in a huge fight that she instigated....and guess what it was about....me going to the gym several times a week.

 

I guess she feels her best days are behind her and probably doesn't find herself attractive any longer...I guess thats one of the reasons she cheated no matter how many times I'd tell her how beautiful she was and showed her.

 

Anyway, she asked me..."who are you trying to look all good for". I was like WTF? I said I was doing this for me since she sure as hell wasn't going to help me with any self-esteem issues after her cheating.

 

I told her that I wasn't like her and I work out to improve myself for me and to feel good about myself. She insists that I am doing it to go out and revenge cheat on her. I assured her that even though she cheated on me that I wouldn't stoop to that level.

 

But oh is it ever sweet now that the tables are somewhat turned. She is now getting a taste of what she has dished out in the past even though I would never cheat. I believe that if I cheat on my wife I cheat on my children.

 

Anyway I told her.."doesn't feel very good when you think your spouse is f#cking around on you does it?...now you know how I feel" She started balling...it kind of felt good that she is in some pain...but bad at the same time. But the thing is...I didn't do anything to cause her this pain other than workout...geez.

 

So bottom line...if someone cheats on you and you decide to stay for whatever reason, kids...possibility of working things out...do something for yourself. I swear, if you look better than you ever had, your cheaters will be eating their hearts out of fear that you might show them what its like.

 

Just read what you wrote, I read revenge and pitty-party for you.

"nya-nya-nya-nya-nya-nya you cheated I never would...." You play your broken record here when you insult and attack every single OW/OM in the forums and you most definitely do it with your W, the source of all your anger. I seriously doubt you seperate who you are on here from who you are at home. I have SERIOUS doubts you are doing ANYTHING constructive to really save your marriage, you may be a great dad and a good partner in that you provide for your W but I seriously doubt (given all the stuff I have read in your posts) that you are doing anything in your power to really work on forgiving and moving past what she did to you many years ago. Time and time again the only thing you prove is that you stay with her because you might love her but you are NOWHERE NEAR trying to get past what has happened and you use every single chance possible to create a situation where you can A) throw in her face what a peice of crap she is B) what a great person you are for NEVER EVER going to cheat c) remind her constantly that this not going to stop any time soon.

 

It's irrelevant who started the fight it is totally irrelevant, you can come on here and egg everyone on but if no one reacts there IS no fight. I can see how that argument SHE INSTIGATED went on...she prb made some snyde remark (mixture of fear and insecurity tough for her I know you are going to say that) and she asked why you were taking so much interest in looking good. What you proceeded to do was take that on like a bull not only did you do a crappy job in truly reassuring her you let her stew in her own fears and insecurities, I don't buy for a second you tried to reassure her and you tried to make her feel ok. WHY?

 

a) you have too much anger in you TOWARDS her to be capable of doing something that requires giving to her unconditionally. You have told us this over and over again "if she had not.....then I wouldn't be so angry..."

Well she DID what are you doing about it? FESTERING in your own pity party and destroying your rel. And it has nothing to do with this particular post you do that in general you hate her right now, you love her but resent her. Because you feel entitled to destroying the rel like she did.

 

b) If you had taken the time out to truly confort her in her insecurities there would have been no fight. It takes 2 to fight. I don't buy for one second "well she/he started it...what do you expect..." I expect that if you are going to call the kettle black make sure it IS black. Who gives a s#$t who started the "fight" there would be NO fight if it were nipped in the bud, but that is not going to happen because you are ready to go off like a firecracker. I see it here all the time and I am not BLAMING you but you need to take your part in this too. If you engaged in the fight you are 50% to blame for it, regardless of who instigated it. A fight cannot happen if there is no reciprocal.

 

 

Fights are RARELY about the issue at hand, she is not mad at you that you are going to the gym she wants to know that you are starting to forgive her, and all you do is reassure her that she is still going to pay the price for a long time to come. Well if you think that is healthy for BOTH of you then continue on, by all means it IS YOUR life. and don't think for a second the children "you are staying together for" don't sense the animosity between mom and dad. THEY DO.

 

 

Anyway I told her.."doesn't feel very good when you think your spouse is f#cking around on you does it?...now you know how I feel" She started balling...it kind of felt good that she is in some pain...but bad at the same time. But the thing is...I didn't do anything to cause her this pain other than workout...geez.

 

 

LOL are you kidding? You are in such denial of your own actions it's ridiculous. Why don't you read the sentence that you wrote before you made the "I didn't do anything except work out..." comment? T

Ahhhh how about you told her flat out that you enjoyed how she was feeling, that you are quite happy with seeing her hurt, that you are doing everything in your power to mess with her head because that is hown you feel for what she did to you YEARS AGO BEFORE YOU MARRIED. Does any of that ring a bell? if it doesn't go back and read your own quote here.

 

And you know something SC you might have a leg to stand on your vitimization of this situation of yours, if you weren't so damned angry with people on here. Maybe just maybe I would believe that you are being treated unfairly by your W, but I SERIOUSLY doubt that. YES she acted poorly but you chose to stay wih her. how much longer are you going to hold on to the pain of something that no matter how angry you stay it is NOT going to change the past? Ask youreself what DO you gain from staying angry with her?

 

Clearly you are not going to change this so instead I encourage you to prolong the agression and next time she asks you why you are trying to look good going to the gym so much, grab a dish from the kitchen sink and chuck it across the room, that should shut the nosey b#$%ch up for good!!! (Pfffft...!)

 

Gees SC there is no way you can mask this kind of anger in front of your children I don't care what you write here I can see just how angry you are...get a grip man do it for the kids if you can't do it for yourself.

 

But oh is it ever sweet now that the tables are somewhat turned. She is now getting a taste of what she has dished out in the past even though I would never cheat. I believe that if I cheat on my wife I cheat on my children.

 

You didn't even HAVE children when she cheated on you, you weren't even married. It doesn't make it any better but what does the cheating on kids have to do with it!?!?

 

You wanna know what I think? what I think this holier than thou attitude of yours stems from when you lay it in on all the OW/OM with your crude remarks? I think that you are just really angry and frustrated because if you didn't have kids you would actuallly cheat on her out of revenge, but you can't because of your kids.

[Art_Critic]

HC,

 

Nice to see you post some good things about your wife

 

Your not as hard of a case after all .....

[hardcase]

Ok fine you want me to get down to the nitty grity of how I come up with my observation, my pleasure:

 

 

 

But in all that blah blah blah..yadda yadda yadda you came up with not ONCE did you correlate it to abuse. You still cannot show where abuse is even in the equation. You did try in one paragraph and I will respond to that here.

 

LOL are you kidding? You are in such denial of your own actions it's ridiculous. Why don't you read the sentence that you wrote before you made the "I didn't do anything except work out..." comment? T

Ahhhh how about you told her flat out that you enjoyed how she was feeling

 

This proves once again that you cannot comprehend what you read. I NEVER told her I enjoyed how she was feeling. I told her that it doesn't feel very good does it and just told her that she now knows how I feel.

 

Not one thing I said was telling her I enjoyed it...quit lying.

 

, that you are quite happy with seeing her hurt, that you are doing everything in your power to mess with her head because that is hown you feel for what she did to you YEARS AGO BEFORE YOU MARRIED. Does any of that ring a bell? if it doesn't go back and read your own quote here.

 

And like I said...you didn't read it very well. The tables were turned on her and I asked her how it felt...I didn't say I enjoyed it and I didn't. I didn't ask for a confrontation.

 

And you know something SC you might have a leg to stand on your vitimization of this situation of yours, if you weren't so damned angry with people on here. Maybe just maybe I would believe that you are being treated unfairly by your W, but I SERIOUSLY doubt that.

 

doubt what you want...I don't care.

 

YES she acted poorly but you chose to stay wih her. how much longer are you going to hold on to the pain of something that no matter how angry you stay it is NOT going to change the past?

 

Well hells bells its only been 8 months...how long do you think since you are the expert here. Oh...should I have dropped it 2 weeks after finding out?

 

Clearly you are not going to change this so instead I encourage you to prolong the agression and next time she asks you why you are trying to look good going to the gym so much, grab a dish from the kitchen sink and chuck it across the room, that should shut the nosey b#$%ch up for good!!! (Pfffft...!)

 

 

LOL...nice try and thinking or even insinutating I am violent....I've never struck anyone in my life...but nice try though.

 

You didn't even HAVE children when she cheated on you, you weren't even married. It doesn't make it any better but what does the cheating on kids have to do with it!?!?

 

Well gee..when we were married...she'd go clubbing with her friends and come home at 4am while I stayed home with our kids. I never thought a thing of it til after I found out she cheated...and more than once while we were engaged.

 

And while we are on the subject of my kids...I pray it isn't the case, but I have doubts about my oldest being mine. Even if I were to ever find out he isn't...I don't care, I'm still his dad and he will always be my son.

 

I asked her to take a lie detector test since it was obvious that she has never told the truth about cheating on me while we were married...she refused because she knows she'll fail it hands down.

 

You wanna know what I think? what I think this holier than thou attitude of yours stems from when you lay it in on all the OW/OM with your crude remarks? I think that you are just really angry and frustrated because if you didn't have kids you would actuallly cheat on her out of revenge, but you can't because of your kids.

 

Nope...sorry..I am not as low as you are. If I didn't have my kids, I'd just have plain divorced her. And if I found out she cheated while my engagement ring was on her finger, I'd have called off the wedding.

[whichwayisup]

TC, I really don't understand your mindset by attacking HC. 8 months is not a long time after D-Day. People can't just "get over it".

 

I also don't see where you think he's being abusive? Is it because he had a fight with his wife? Couples fight and get mad at eachother, sometimes even say hurtful things too, but that isn't abusive....I think in his wife's case, the truth hurts and her getting upset at the thought of him being with another woman really gets to her. And, he's said over and over again he isn't ever going to cheat...Kids or no kids, he has said he wouldn't. Why is it so hard for you to believe that?

 

Clearly you are not going to change this so instead I encourage you to prolong the agression and next time she asks you why you are trying to look good going to the gym so much, grab a dish from the kitchen sink and chuck it across the room, that should shut the nosey b#$%ch up for good!!! (Pfffft...!)

 

So him venting out anger here and sharing thoughts that piss him off means that he is gonna hurl a plate across the room??? TC, you're being dramatic!

[justice]

I think it's great that you are bettering yourself and I do understand how you are feeling toward your wife. She did it not you and now she's paying the price.

[IpAncA]

So much hostility towards HC working out on his lunch time.

[Darth Vader]

Why don't you think that your older child is yours? Why not just divorce her if the child isn't yours rather than subject yourself to such humilation and apparent lack of respect from your wife. BTW, depending on the state laws you could sue your wife for fraud. SC, HC, whoever you are, I have a feeling your wifes hiding more than you know, that's why she's clamed up and won't do anything, or provide you any info. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if both of your children aren't yours, I say that because it may be the very thing that your wife is using against you to keep you in the marriage, and living off of you, like a security blanket. By allowing you to think that the children are yours when indeed they're not.............

 

I suggest that you find out one way or the other, for yourself. The longer you put that off, the longer you're gonna suffer with the what ifs.

 

I noticed people saying that you shouldn't argue back, I say to them, what is he suppose to be a Doormat? IMO, SC, you told your wife that you're gonna do nothing but stay and take her crap! She hasn't learned and will never learn until she feels the consequenses for her actions. If you told her you're gonna stay for the children, then she's gotcha! She won't be truthful about who the father really is. I have seen Gunny's posts, and most often he says MAN UP! Get the info about everything that you can, then base your final decision on that, whether to stay with your wife who has betrayed you God knows how many times, or file for divorce, I have a feeling you may find out a whole lot more once you file, and some stuff may make you want to continue to file...................

[Darth Vader]

She hasn't told you anything because she hasn't HAD to, she has nothing to lose, and everything to gain by keeping quite!

[Island Girl]

4) Island Girl said, re: my kids...that I need to get help before my kids pay for "my mistakes"....uh..no. She cheated, not me. I am trying to deal with what she did...but for you to put this on me...well all I have to say is...LMFAO. But given your past I can see how you side with cheaters.

 

If you're going to throw my name out there, get it right.

 

I stated that your underlying attitude toward your wife - i.e. unforgiving and punishing - is being noticed and picked up on by your children. They're soaking up the unhealthy communication and resentment like sponges and will likely model you're relationship when they get older. THAT is why you need to be in counseling. At least it give you the tools to help you move past what has happened somewhat so you do not continue to be so resentful and angry since you seem to want to continue the marriage.

 

The cheating isn't your fault but your actions afterward are. From all of your posts that I have seen on LS, you are still very angry and continually justify maintaining that level of anger. Like a dog worrying a bone, you just won't let it go. Carrying all of that bitterness, resentment, and anger around harms you just as much as anyone around you.

 

FYI working on forgiving and moving forward does not mean forgetting what happened. It just allows your relationship to grow into a more healthy one which you, your wife, and children would only benefit from.

[mental_traveller]

Nice one Hardcase! Going by her reaction, it sounds like you should work out even more. And why not get yourself a nice, young, attractive female personal trainer? If your wife asks, just say it helps you get more motivated

[Island Girl]

SC or Hardcase -

 

Didn't your wife cheat years ago -- before you were married? --- And it was one time, right, and hasn't happened since?

 

You have two children, right? So you've been married for how long?

[pricillia]

SC..Headcase.. I mean Hardcase...

 

I think that it is great that you are working out that is a good thing keep it up if it makes you feel better about yourself.

 

I know that you were hurt by wifes actions, but when would you forgive...after she is dead and burried... people do not live forever stop the madness and forgive, life is too short

 

why continue the disinergration of your marriage, if it is over then it is over....

 

move on but stop all of the dysfunction between the tow of you.

[pricillia]

SC..Headcase.. I mean Hardcase...

 

I think that it is great that you are working out that is a good thing keep it up if it makes you feel better about yourself.

 

I know that you were hurt by wifes actions, but when would you forgive...after she is dead and burried... people do not live forever stop the madness and forgive, life is too short

 

why continue the disinergration of your marriage, if it is over then it is over....

 

move on but stop all of the dysfunction between the two of you.

[hardcase]

SC or Hardcase -

 

Didn't your wife cheat years ago -- before you were married? --- And it was one time, right, and hasn't happened since?

 

You have two children, right? So you've been married for how long?

 

It was twice while we were engaged that I have proof of. I know she cheated during marriage early on, but I don't have proof.

 

All I know is, when your wife goes out clubbing with her "friends" and comes home at 4am when the club closes at 1 or 2am, and her "friends" can't seem to get their stories straight as to who she was with during that time....I think you get the picture.

I never thought she was cheating when she was out with friends...I thought I was doing a good thing by staying home with the kids so she could get out.

I trusted her and thought nothing of it...til I found out she had cheated on me before..then it all made too much sense.

 

Been married 7 years

[whichwayisup]

My question really is, WHY would someone, especially with kids, want to go out partying it up and stay out that late? Coming home at 4am, knowing you have kids to be around and look after. I understand going out and hanging with friends, everyone needs to have their own time, to relax etc..away from the family, just coming home that late alot is a redflag anyway, and even more so (I didn't know this part -->) the friends and her stories didn't add up. That's a red flag, definately.

 

She took advantage of your trust and faith in her.

[hardcase]

My question really is, WHY would someone, especially with kids, want to go out partying it up and stay out that late?

 

Why do ya think?

 

 

She took advantage of your trust and faith in her.

 

Thats what I have been saying...but you have people here that think I'm being too hard on her.....errr....ok

 

Only thing I am doing is making sure that doesn't happen again. No more being played for a fool.

[whichwayisup]

Why do ya think?

 

Oh I know why, I just don't get it that's all. It's like she was acting like a teen, staying out all night long.

 

Thats what I have been saying...but you have people here that think I'm being too hard on her.....errr....ok

 

Nah, you're being hard on yourself more. Until you decide when you want to try to trust her again, get some counselling in, she can help you rebuild the marriage. Until you decide that is what you want, that is...You know what I mean?

 

I hope she doesn't make a fool of you again, she's got alot to lose.

[Tomcat33]

Why do ya think?

 

 

 

Thats what I have been saying...but you have people here that think I'm being too hard on her.....errr....ok

 

Only thing I am doing is making sure that doesn't happen again. No more being played for a fool.

 

 

 

You are being too hard on yourself, you enjoy the level of anger you carry and it's not good for your children, let alone for your W (but right now your W is not the concern) seeing that you stay with your W for the children and all.....children are really affected by angry parents even though they may not show it sinks in and stays with them for life. So if you really are staying with your W for the sake of the kids and haven't figured out if you still love her or not, perhaps you should at least try to forgive and put some of this anger to rest, slowly and steadily to calm the agression inside you down. You are only setting the pattern deeper and deeper into your brain and making it more "normal" than it should be. The brain gets used to the repetitive pattern and sooner or later anger will be (if it isn't already) a normal part of your chemical make up. This for you alone you should consider, but you know best...and you know why you choose to hold on so tight, you have your own selfish reasons for doing so.

 

 

8 months is relatively fresh to forget what you found out, no one says FORGET, but it's a considerable time to be carrying this much agression inside you.

 

Your W did a rotten thing, she did decieved you and disrepsected you. If my math doesn't fail me she was pretty young must have been around 26-27 when this happened and already had kids with you...who knows could have been a case of feeling like she was about to settle down and felt like she had to get some "party-crazy" times out of her system , WHO KNOWS. I certainly don't but you should know if you have discussed with her. But I doubt anything she says will help you in any way to understand that she may be a changed person now. When people are younger they want to party they want to have fun we all went through it. My goodness I am 34 if you had asked me how I was at 26 VS now I can tell you life is a completely different speed these days. I'm a different person The point being maturity happens for all of us at different rates. But all that is irrelevant to you because you are latching on to the betrayal to you, to your ego to your person with dear life.

 

Personally I don't think that is healthy in any way, for your chilldren, for YOU or for your marriage. Did you consider time apart for a bit to digest the situation and your feelings?

 

I know you are going to explode when I ask you this but here goes anyway...it's been 8 yrs SC,

1. has she done anything to make you feel like you should worry in the last say 6 or 7 years?

 

People do change, and just because you marry someone and promise to share your life with another human being it does not mean you are supposed to sunt your personal growth as a human being to stay at par with your partner's needs, aspirations and goals (you negotiate yes but you can't stunt your personal growth). What I mean by this is that if you can consider that people change and we tend to re-invent ourselves as the years go by given our personal needs, perhaps just perhaps your W has changed to improve herself, and the grave mistake she made in the past is not something that is part of her current character make-up. Don't you think that's at least worth considering?

 

 

I insisit I think you are addicited to feeling angry. 8 months is a fair amount of time to start thinking more proactively instead of stunting yourself in the same "pitty me" state. I think you wish you could do what she did but won't because of your children.

[Missy27]

I seriously doubt you seperate who you are on here from who you are at home. .

 

Not being funny TC, but why in the hell should SC/HC seperate who is here from who is at home? Doesn't he come on here to vent his REAL problems and emotions, isn't that the point of LS?

[hardcase]

I know you are going to explode when I ask you this but here goes anyway...it's been 8 yrs SC,

1. has she done anything to make you feel like you should worry in the last say 6 or 7 years?

 

Now why would I explode to a question like that?...its a perfectly legit question.

 

Yes..as I have mentioned before numerous times...in the last 7 years while married, I thought I was being an understanding husband and watching our children while she had time with her friends. She'd come home at 4am and, although I wasn't really worried because I trusted her, she would say after the club, they would go to her friends house and shoot the bull for a while to wind down.

 

Then after I found out that she cheated while we were engaged...I no longer trusted her and asked more questions about her whereabouts between 1 and 4am on nights like that. Her friends can't seem to get their stories straight on whose house they were at.

 

So yes...she has given me reason.

 

What I mean by this is that if you can consider that people change and we tend to re-invent ourselves as the years go by given our personal needs, perhaps just perhaps your W has changed to improve herself, and the grave mistake she made in the past is not something that is part of her current character make-up. Don't you think that's at least worth considering?

 

No. She was in her late 20's when this was going on...she was an adult..not a 21 year old college girl.

If she was immature at the age of 27...then we should up the drinking age to 30.

 

I insisit I think you are addicited to feeling angry. 8 months is a fair amount of time to start thinking more proactively instead of stunting yourself in the same "pitty me" state. I think you wish you could do what she did but won't because of your children.

 

If you think I wish I could cheat ....why have I never cheated on anyone in my life? I don't cheat...never have...never will.

 

And if I really wanted to cheat...I would..children or not. Because cheaters are selfish people and don't give a shi!t who they hurt. So if I were the cheating type...I would have by now.

[hardcase]

Not being funny TC, but why in the hell should SC/HC seperate who is here from who is at home? Doesn't he come on here to vent his REAL problems and emotions, isn't that the point of LS?

 

Exactly...if I were venting at home...I wouldn't need to come here.

 

Believe me, my wife knows how I feel....but this is where I release it.

 

Actually, I release it at the gym...but from what I understand from the reply....my bettering myself is mental abuse to her.....I really should stop lifting weights and abusing her like that....*rolling eyes*

[Tomcat33]

Not being funny TC, but why in the hell should SC/HC seperate who is here from who is at home? Doesn't he come on here to vent his REAL problems and emotions, isn't that the point of LS?

 

 

because he is super agressive and attacks posters he deems as "morally" unfit which and if he does not seperate from home, his children witness the same thing people witness here. And he claims he stays with his wife because of the kids. If he cares so much about the kids he might want to keep the agression under raps, kids sense it and it's very damaging to them. So my point wasn't that he should seperate who he is here from who he is at home, it was more that he should perhaps practice being less agressive to posters here so that he can also start to be less agressive at home.

 

If you think agression is healthy....what can I say....