?? for the dumpers

[frd150]

Sorry IG and everyone...

 

I should learn to proof read my posts. Sorry about the mistakes.

[frd150]

Hey IG ,

 

Hope your still out there.

 

Well alot happened on monday of this week.

 

I recieved a call in the afternoon from her and it was very interesting. It had to do with her best friend and how she was very displeased with her. You see, what happened is her best friends Husband called her and told her that her best friend (his wife ) would not be going to her vacation house next weekend. My ex told me that he said that she did not want to hang out with that kinda crowd. She also complained in detail about how her best friend needed to stay out of her health issues as well as issues dealing with us. Long story short she (my ex) was very upset. She vented for a while and i did not have much to say. It continued for a little longer and then i had to go. I did not really say much as her best friend has been a good friend to me even before we met.

 

 

She then later called me back and said that she confronted her best friend and they had worked it out and she was going with her. We began to talk about us on my que. I had at that point decided that i needed to know once and for all where i stood besides it seemed that the conversation was headed there anyway. I had this sudden strenght come over me and i just had to know. Up until then as you already know our conversations seemed to be just idle chit chat and me showing concern for her with not much in return.

 

We talked and basically what i got from her was i cannot marry you and i am into my own thing now. She procedded to explain that there were things that she wanted to do. I replied with " did i ever stand in the way of anything you wanted to do? "In fact i always encourged you". She said that she would better achieve theese things on her own. She said that she felt that we had been drifting apart for months and that she felt that we had become an old married couple because we were always tired from working so much and we did not do a whole lot. Now you must understand she never said any of this to me during this time. I showed her love in the best way i could considering we were both busy if you know what i mean. My love for her never changed. I asked her " If i had said something in regards to this 6 months before the break would we be in this position?" She the replied "probably not." I said "I am not a mind reader nor do i have a crystal ball." "If you felt this way you should have sat me down and said something."

 

 

We proceeded to talk but she seemed so cold, no real emotion. In fact her voice even sounded different really spooky. I told her that i guess this is it then and that i would hope she would learn from this because if she did she woud be capable of so much in a relationship. She then told me" You have a huge heart and you are going to make someone very happy." Yeah. Well then why not her? She said she wanted to remain friends and i said that i am mature enough not to freak out when i might see her. Remember we have some of the same friends. And as i said before i will not loose them too. At the end she then said to not call her best friend.

 

 

Well i did. Only to say that it was finished and i did not want our break up and her involvment (although limited to define our relationship). Time to move on. Well, She called me back and i thought only to agree. She was hot. She said that my ex had called her and wa very mean and cruel. She had a few insulting words for her that she had never called her before in there whole long relationship. The conversation mostly had to do with her involvement in her health issues and that she neede to stay out of it. Her best friend is merely concerned fo her casual attitude towards her health. Her best friend was pissed and i found myself consoling her. I told her that despite all they are best friends and despite what she said that she still needs her. She replied that she will always be her friend but this certainly had changed things. She also comented on how she did not sound herself. Her voice was even different.

 

Again my intentions were to inform her best friend that it was done at least fo now if not forever. She said the my ex did not deserve me and that if she were not married that she would jump at the chance to date me. She said this with her husband sitting next to her. He actually laughed and said that he would date me too:laugh:. She said that when i am ready that she knew several beautiful girls that would be happy to go out with me. Good to know. Btw her husband merely told my ex that his wife(her best friend ) did not want to go on this trip because she did not want to impose since there were so many people going and there did not seem to be a whole lot of room. Thats it. He does not bs and i heard it from his mouth. I asked her if she was going on the trip after all she replied " No way". Again i want to be clear in that i only called to put a stop to any if all unsolicited involvement by her best friend.

 

 

Why would she manipulate things so. I am tending to believe the later story. What reason would they have to lie? I again made it very clear that i did not want our break up to define our relationship and that we all should try to move on.

 

 

Today is thursday and i have not called her, no text ,and no e-mail. This has been so hard. Monday is so freshand i think i need some time to process again. I was not trying to play games. Tonight i was at sushi with a friend and she called. I did not answer at the encourgement of my friend. It was tough. She then called again 2 minutes later and again my friend said "don't do it". So i didn't. Why is she calling after four days of nothing? In the last conversation with her i stated my intentions in a not needy way but again she was cold to it. I can take a hint. Just like other loveshackers say how can they mis you if you are always around?

 

 

Am ia doing the right thing? This is real scary because inside i still want this to work but she needs to apprecieate my effort. I am tired of being on a string.

[Island Girl]

Hey IG ,

 

Hope your still out there.

 

Hey there frd,

 

Yes. I'm here. I was going to respond to your last post about checking for spelling errors -- don't be so hard on yourself. Here on LS you can let your hair down so to speak.

 

Well alot happened on monday of this week.

 

Okay. Ready. Let it out! lol

 

I recieved a call in the afternoon from her and it was very interesting. It had to do with her best friend and how she was very displeased with her. You see, what happened is her best friends Husband called her and told her that her best friend (his wife ) would not be going to her vacation house next weekend.

 

Not surprising. From what you have said about her partying, erratic behavior, and actions that jeopardize her own health my husband and I would have quite a problem with her too.

 

Your ex will most certainly put her friend in positions where she ends up taking care of your ex at the sacrifice of her marriage. Your ex has become an immature thoughtless girl gone wild. ugh.

 

 

My ex told me that he said that she did not want to hang out with that kinda crowd.

 

Which I can also understand. I was wild in my wild days but those days have gone into the archives. My idea of fun has changed and now there is another person who is a permanent part of my life so his feelings are considered as well.

 

She also complained in detail about how her best friend needed to stay out of her health issues as well as issues dealing with us.

 

If she wanted her to stay out of it, she could have kept her mouth shut about all of it. My guess is she was fine about it when she was getting the "poor me" treatment but now that she has been acting out in the ways that she has (I'm sure you don't even know the half of it - sorry).

 

What kind of friend would she be not to call her on her self destructive behavior? Not much of one.

 

So I'm sure your ex got an earful of things she didn't want to hear.

 

Now she is showing further immaturity by running to tell you about it, trying to gain sympathy, and still continue down the same path.

 

 

Long story short she (my ex) was very upset. She vented for a while and i did not have much to say. It continued for a little longer and then i had to go. I did not really say much as her best friend has been a good friend to me even before we met.

 

You need to quit being her savior. Really. She is so completely in the wrong there is no being supportive. And you shouldn't anyway because you don't want to be her friend. You want to be her boyfriend (although I wish you'd look objectively at this girl right now - she is showing you some true colors and they aren't pretty ones).

 

 

She then later called me back and said that she confronted her best friend and they had worked it out and she was going with her.

 

And this is what you are trying to get away from. You are steadily becoming the confidant - friend who she tells all to - and to her that means no respect and no backbone (sorry again).

 

My husband is my best friend. But he is not my b*tch. Or my gal pal.

Sure I talk to him about everything but not the same sharing I'd do with a female friend.

 

I certainly do not feel I can dump on him, treat him like crap, make him jump through hoops, and expect him to kiss my behind.

 

Even while going through "issues" there is no excuse for bad behavior.

 

And she has been behaving badly for quite some time now.

 

Truly, I hope you understand that if I devastated my husband, I would not expect him to be my "go to boy" and listen to all of my problems. He has been my best friend for over 6 years. But if I made that choice - to leave him - I would have too much respect for him to use him as a crutch while I transitioned into my new life.

 

She wants to have what she had with you -- the caring, unconditional love, etc. when she wants and when she is partying she is certainly not thinking of you.

 

In the meantime, trying to "be there for her" is sucking the life out of you. You are not accomplishing anything but rapidly becoming venting station for her. Certainly this position will not get her back with you - in fact, it is the complete opposite. So by trying to be whatever she needs or wants you are ensuring you will never get what you need or what you want. Not such a great trade off is it?

 

We began to talk about us on my que. I had at that point decided that i needed to know once and for all where i stood besides it seemed that the conversation was headed there anyway. I had this sudden strenght come over me and i just had to know. Up until then as you already know our conversations seemed to be just idle chit chat and me showing concern for her with not much in return.

 

Perhaps this conversation had to happen. I suppose you needed to hear what outsiders can see. Too close to the forest - can't see the forest for the trees, etc.

 

We talked and basically what i got from her was i cannot marry you and i am into my own thing now. She proceeded to explain that there were things that she wanted to do.

 

Translation: I want to be a wild child completely unhindered by any involvement.

 

These things she wants to do have nothing to do with school, a career, etc. Those are all things she could do and be with you.

 

She wants to be able to be physical and wild with herself - her body - her wants - her desires. Whatever she feels like at any moment. She wants to be a teenager/young adult. Ouch and yuck.

 

I replied with " did i ever stand in the way of anything you wanted to do? "In fact i always encouraged you". She said that she would better achieve these things on her own.

 

Again she is not speaking of things you'd be supportive of. I'm guessing she is not getting support from her best friend either because she is being told in placating language to pull her head out of her rear end.

 

She said that she felt that we had been drifting apart for months and that she felt that we had become an old married couple because we were always tired from working so much and we did not do a whole lot.

 

As I said before - this was brewing for a long time on her side and there was nothing you could do about it. She was feeling constrained by the relationship.

 

Her idea of "an old married couple" tells even more of how immature she is and that she is definitely NOT ready for marriage. Be very very very thankful that you found out now rather than a couple of years from now when she dissolved a marriage instead of breaking off the relationship at this point.

 

It is my understanding that if you entered into a marriage with her you would have meant every word of your vows and taken her to mean every word of hers. It would have been truly devastating to you to enter into such a relationship with this girl.

 

I hope you can see now that she was a different person inside. What you know of her and how you know her is not HER. It was a part of her yes, but she will not become the real her - the person she is going to be for some time. She has a lot of growing up to do and she'll be different afterwards. So you see the girl you love is not through evolving. She will not remain this girl or the one you knew but someone else altogether entirely different.

 

 

Now you must understand she never said any of this to me during this time. I showed her love in the best way i could considering we were both busy if you know what i mean. My love for her never changed. I asked her " If i had said something in regards to this 6 months before the break would we be in this position?" She the replied "probably not." I said "I am not a mind reader nor do i have a crystal ball." "If you felt this way you should have sat me down and said something."

 

Of course she didn't tell you. If she told you she wanted to be single and live it up -- that she wanted to party, be reckless, and careless with herself -- you would have said what exactly? "Go ahead, I'll be waiting patiently until you are through"? I think not.

And if by chance you would have said that and done that - you'd be over anyway because you'd have no respect from her and that ingredient is absolutely necessary.

 

She said probably not. But I think differently. There is absolutely nothing you could have done to exercise this longing from her. She is immature and not ready for a relationship such as yours was. She will not be ready for quite some time.

 

 

We proceeded to talk but she seemed so cold, no real emotion. In fact her voice even sounded different really spooky. I told her that i guess this is it then and that i would hope she would learn from this because if she did she woud be capable of so much in a relationship.

 

I hope she'll learn from it too but this lesson will not be learned any time soon.

 

She then told me" You have a huge heart and you are going to make someone very happy."

 

She's right about this. No sugar coating it either. Plain and simple truth, that's all.

 

Yeah. Well then why not her?

 

Because she is being a selfish immature girl. And you are primed for a woman. She will not be a woman for some time - at least not mentally.

She just isn't The One. I'm sorry. But the sooner you accept that the better.

 

She said she wanted to remain friends and i said that i am mature enough not to freak out when i might see her.

 

She is the one that will be freaking out. Just remember that when you see her she is just another girl. She is not someone you want to hang out with, talk to about what she is up to, you have to NOT CARE. At least ACT that way. She gets no special attention AT ALL.

 

Remember we have some of the same friends. And as i said before i will not lose them too.

 

And you shouldn't. Feel free to bring a date to these functions as well. A pity party or "sparing her feelings" will not serve you in any capacity. Make a clear choice NOT to consider her or her feelings when it comes to your decisions for what you want to do. She is living her life. So you need to start living yours.

 

 

At the end she then said to not call her best friend.

 

And what did you say?!! I hope you told her she has no right to tell you whom you can and can not talk to!

 

You knew her best friend before they were even friends. If you are friends with the two of them, her and her husband, than continue to talk to them if you want to.

 

The person you should not call or talk to is your ex.

 

NO CONTACT NOW. Absolutely no contact. You got your answers - now you need to stand up and get your manhood back. Talking to her keeps you in a constant state of weakness. You need to really begin to heal. You can't do that while you still talk to her.

 

You always go back to her health issues and that you still care. Well, she has family and other friends now who care about her. Lte them handle these issues with her. Stay out of it - stay away from her - don't take her phone calls and I don't care what the message says DO NOT CALL HER.

 

Please. Please. Please. Heed my words.

 

If you are in a social situation give her as much courtesy as you would any acquaintance and no more than that.

 

And do not speak to her outside of situations where you just happen to find yourself in her company.

 

Do not ask if she is coming to any particular get together. Make your choices on what you want to do. If you would like to bring someone then do that. If not, then don't.

 

Absolutely, under no circumstances, allow her to pull you aside to talk privately. Or find out what is going on in your life. You don't want her to share her choices and exploits with you and you do not want to get sucked back into being the "unboyfriend boyfriend" so just don't go there.

You are not a substitute girlfriend eunuch that can just be her best chatty friend whenever she wants to take you off the shelf and dust you off.

You are not a sap or sad sack who will run around at her beck and call.

 

You are a man. A hardworking, intelligent, kind, sensitive, and strong MAN.

 

You are worthy of someone's adoration and respect. If she doesn't adore you at least make her respect you. You don't get that by being available to her. You get that by not being available to her. You are the special package that she had and has now lost. Trust me, a man like you is very hard to replace and she will feel the void. She should. She should realize what she threw away so carelessly.

 

And you. Well, you need to look into the future and quit dragging the past along with you as you move toward it. At this point she is an anchor and you need to sail free.

 

If you don't, how will you ever get to that magical person that is out there? Move on my friend. Move on and don't look back.

 

Well i did. Only to say that it was finished and i did not want our break up and her involvement (although limited to define our relationship). Time to move on.

 

Perfectly understandable. And you can do whatever you want. You are not beholden to your exes stupid rules and she can't say who you can and can't talk to.

 

Well, She called me back and i thought only to agree. She was hot. She said that my ex had called her and was very mean and cruel. She had a few insulting words for her that she had never called her before in there whole long relationship. The conversation mostly had to do with her involvement in her health issues and that she needed to stay out of it. Her best friend is merely concerned for her casual attitude towards her health. Her best friend was pissed and i found myself consoling her. I told her that despite all they are best friends and despite what she said that she still needs her. She replied that she will always be her friend but this certainly had changed things. She also commented on how she did not sound herself. Her voice was even different.

 

Ouch. I mean the phone call should not have come to you. She has a husband she can vent to. You are not a part of your exes life and certainly you do not influence her decision making (hence her not being with you).

 

You should have told her that, although you are sorry she is going through this with her friend, you have nothing at all to do with it.

 

As far as the bolded statement above - it is none of your concern anymore.

 

I know it sounds harsh. But it really is none of your business. Your ex is none of your business. Their relationship is none of your business and you do not want to open the door that her friend calls you in these cases. Nip that in the bud. It just can't happen again. She can vent to her husband, her other friends, etc. Anyone else but you. You just can't be pulled into the emotions. It is not healthy for you and, again, it is really none of your business and you certainly can't do anything about it.

 

If you are going to be successful at moving on but retaining friendships then you have to get really clear about your boundaries. And enforce them. You don't have to be mean but when lines like these are crossed you do need to make it clkear that you are not the "go to person" about your ex. The best thing you can do is build stronger connections with these friends that have NOTHING at all to do with the ex. That means no shoulder to cry on, no sympathy, nothing. It is none of your concern any more.

 

Again my intentions were to inform her best friend that it was done at least for now if not forever. She said the my ex did not deserve me and that if she were not married that she would jump at the chance to date me. She said this with her husband sitting next to her. He actually laughed and said that he would date me too:laugh:.

 

If I wasn't married, I'd snap you up.

 

She said that when i am ready that she knew several beautiful girls that would be happy to go out with me. Good to know.

 

yep. Good to know. And now you need to start getting yourself together so you'd be worthy of them. This has done a number on your self esteem. You need to regain your strength. It won't take long -- if you go NC and move on. I have spelled it out to the best of my ability. It is up to you to do the work. You'll be better for it but you have to resign yourself that it is just the way it is and DO IT.

 

 

Btw her husband merely told my ex that his wife(her best friend ) did not want to go on this trip because she did not want to impose since there were so many people going and there did not seem to be a whole lot of room. Thats it. He does not bs and i heard it from his mouth. I asked her if she was going on the trip after all she replied " No way". Again i want to be clear in that i only called to put a stop to any if all unsolicited involvement by her best friend.

 

So she pumped it all full of drama and then got you involved. She is sounding like a great girl (sorry).

 

 

Why would she manipulate things so. I am tending to believe the later story. What reason would they have to lie? I again made it very clear that i did not want our break up to define our relationship and that we all should try to move on.

 

They wouldn't have a reason to lie. She is being manipulative and thriving on the drama.

 

Bet you didn't know this side of her either. She did a really good job of manipulating you from the beginning although I don't think you would have believed me up until now.

 

This side was there. Underlying. And she felt it pulling to get out for months. You are seeing what she is really capable of and it should shock and scare the crap out of you. Hopefully you can now accept that you were in love with what you thought was her. Not her. Not the real her. Because this other person you are seeing and hearing from is part of her - and you don't love that. She won't be who she is going to be until she grows up A LOT.

 

Again, you should be really thankful this didn't happen a couple of years from now after you were married and possibly had children in the picture. The backlash would have been waaaaaay worse if she was also running from the responsibility of motherhood.

 

 

Today is thursday and i have not called her, no text ,and no e-mail. This has been so hard. Monday is so fresh and i think i need some time to process again. I was not trying to play games.

 

I am glad you haven't had contact. You have four days under your belt. It gets easier with time -- but if you slip you start all over and it will be just as hard as the first day all over again. So just don't do it.

 

 

Tonight i was at sushi with a friend and she called. I did not answer at the encouragement of my friend. It was tough. She then called again 2 minutes later and again my friend said "don't do it". So i didn't. Why is she calling after four days of nothing?

 

I'm so glad your friend was there to stop you.

 

She is calling because she was sure that after your last conversation - you'd call. When you didn't she realized she may have to check in. So she tried. No message because all she wanted was some more "crutch time" - "oh poor me time". I'm glad you aren't going to be her go to guy for that anymore. It just sucks the life right out of you and makes you feel guilty for HER behavior and HER choices.

 

None of this is your fault or your choice. And because of that you can't FIX it. You can't pull her out of iit - you can't talk to her and make her see the error of her ways. She has given in to being a selfish, manipulative little girl who wants to act out. So she is going to do what she wants.

 

But she still wants you around. She still wants to use you to make her feel good about herself. She still wants you to show you care because it gives her a giant ego boost and she uses that big boost to go out and flirt around and party with other men.

 

 

In the last conversation with her i stated my intentions in a not needy way but again she was cold to it. I can take a hint. Just like other loveshackers say how can they miss you if you are always around?

 

Exactly. It works best if it is immediate. The NC I mean. Because at that point you've lost no respect and the hole -- the void of no you -- is much more apparent.

 

But it still works. It just takes longer and the impact isn't as strong but it still works.

 

 

Am i doing the right thing? This is real scary because inside i still want this to work but she needs to appreciate my effort. I am tired of being on a string.

 

You are doing the right thing but you are kind of at the edge of reason.

 

Move into the light. -- just kidding.lol

 

You are trying to do this as an effort to wake her up. THAT part is wrong. You need to realize you have to do this for self preservation and your future with whomever that may be.

 

Yes she's had you dancing like a puppet on a string. Of course you are tired.

 

The NC will help you to compartmentalize the affection and remove it from the observation of her actions. You really need to do that because although you know she is whacko right now - you are still wanting her back. And if a friend of yours was telling you about this same situation with a girl that is acting this way, you'd tell him to run for the hills wouldn't you?!! Wouldn't you tell him there are GIANT red flags all over the place and that she is showing how manipulative and what a user she can be?

 

You need to get to the point where you can look at her actions and think "I don't want to be with THAT girl and that was rattling around in there the ENTIRE time!?! Which one would she be if I got back with her?!!"

 

NC is for you. It is so you can heal and regain the perspective that you have lost. You are deep right now. You have not had a good breath of fresh oxygen filled air for a while. You can't trust what you would say, what you want to say, or any amount of interaction with her. You need to take some time to get to the surface and breathe a little bit. It will be a little while so just buckle down and do the work. Things will seem a lot clearer when you do.

[frd150]

Hey IG ,

 

Thanks for the post. I have read it a couple of times for strength. I am out of town on a mountain bike trip so i am using my phone right now. It in not very loveshack friendly.

 

I had a small crash on the bike yestrday so as soon as i get done licking my wounds i will try and find wifi acess for my laptop.

 

i read some other recent posts from other threads and i know youv heard it before but we are all lucky you are here. have a good sat. go and do something fun with your husband:).

[frd150]

Yes. I'm here. I was going to respond to your last post about checking for spelling errors -- don't be so hard on yourself. Here on LS you can let your hair down so to speak.

I live and die by spell check and do not worry about not responding. We all get busy. I came back from my trip and straight into a hornets nest. I guess it helped me keep my mind off of things.

 

Okay. Ready. Let it out! lol

 

 

 

Not surprising. From what you have said about her partying, erratic behavior, and actions that jeopardize her own health my husband and I would have quite a problem with her too.

 

Your ex will most certainly put her friend in positions where she ends up taking care of your ex at the sacrifice of her marriage. Your ex has become an immature thoughtless girl gone wild. ugh.

 

She just does not fit into what we have all grown up to be at this point ,if that makes sence. She has digresed.

 

 

Which I can also understand. I was wild in my wild days but those days have gone into the archives. My idea of fun has changed and now there is another person who is a permanent part of my life so his feelings are considered as well.

I'm a beer in a cool bar kinda guy. I'm not much into clubs. She is not the kinda person that you would see hanging out in a club at all hours of the night. It's just something she is not. She just could never hang with people like that. By 11 she is usually the one with the heavy eyes ready for bed.

 

I thoughrt we agreed on the same idea of fun. WRONG i guess.

 

 

If she wanted her to stay out of it, she could have kept her mouth shut about all of it. My guess is she was fine about it when she was getting the "poor me" treatment but now that she has been acting out in the ways that she has (I'm sure you don't even know the half of it - sorry).

And i may never know. On her end the truth hurts i guess. Some people handle it different than other.

 

 

What kind of friend would she be not to call her on her self destructive behavior? Not much of one.

 

So I'm sure your ex got an earful of things she didn't want to hear.

 

Now she is showing further immaturity by running to tell you about it, trying to gain sympathy, and still continue down the same path.

Her friend and i are the two people who care about her most outside her family(sorry i still do. 3 years). But why tell me about it. Especially if she thinks i have become buddy buddy with her. Well i showed no sympathy. It killed me to refrain but it was necesssary.

 

You need to quit being her savior. Really. She is so completely in the wrong there is no being supportive. And you shouldn't anyway because you don't want to be her friend. You want to be her boyfriend (although I wish you'd look objectively at this girl right now - she is showing you some true colors and they aren't pretty ones).

 

 

 

 

And this is what you are trying to get away from. You are steadily becoming the confidant - friend who she tells all to - and to her that means no respect and no backbone (sorry again).

 

10 days of no contact. She has tried to get ahold of me a couple of times. This is hard to do with someone you care about and love so much. I have realized how i have been treated through all of this and it was with alot of dis respect. I have grown stronger in the last ten days. I needed this. No contact is bad tasting medicine with good results for the one who is hurting. I know at some point i will run into her but i think this will make me handle it in a more logical way.

 

As good as it is though there is still that part of me that feels like i am doing something rude. I could only imagine the what the hell is going on attitude she must have. Then again she might not even care. Who knows anymore?

 

 

My husband is my best friend. But he is not my b*tch. Or my gal pal.

Sure I talk to him about everything but not the same sharing I'd do with a female friend.

 

I certainly do not feel I can dump on him, treat him like crap, make him jump through hoops, and expect him to kiss my behind.

 

Even while going through "issues" there is no excuse for bad behavior.

 

And she has been behaving badly for quite some time now.

And these are issues that most couples can work out without all of this. With that i feel now that she is the one with the problem not me ive tried to make things right.

 

Truly, I hope you understand that if I devastated my husband, I would not expect him to be my "go to boy" and listen to all of my problems. He has been my best friend for over 6 years. But if I made that choice - to leave him - I would have too much respect for him to use him as a crutch while I transitioned into my new life.

 

She wants to have what she had with you -- the caring, unconditional love, etc. when she wants and when she is partying she is certainly not thinking of you.

She left a message as i am typing this. Basically stating that she wanted to say hi and she wanted to know how i was doing and that she hoped that she wasn't bothering me. Oh the temptation to regress but i know it will do no good.

In the meantime, trying to "be there for her" is sucking the life out of you. You are not accomplishing anything but rapidly becoming venting station for her. Certainly this position will not get her back with you - in fact, it is the complete opposite. So by trying to be whatever she needs or wants you are ensuring you will never get what you need or what you want. Not such a great trade off is it?

Your right. Either way constant contact is a loose loose. I am trying to get myself out of this cloud one way or another.

 

Perhaps this conversation had to happen. I suppose you needed to hear what outsiders can see. Too close to the forest - can't see the forest for the trees, etc.

I just needed to know what the hell was going on i was tired of the way things were going.

 

Translation: I want to be a wild child completely unhindered by any involvement.

 

These things she wants to do have nothing to do with school, a career, etc. Those are all things she could do and be with you.

 

She wants to be able to be physical and wild with herself - her body - her wants - her desires. Whatever she feels like at any moment. She wants to be a teenager/young adult. Ouch and yuck.

 

 

 

Again she is not speaking of things you'd be supportive of. I'm guessing she is not getting support from her best friend either because she is being told in placating language to pull her head out of her rear end.

Like i told her i would never stand in the way of positive things. I want to be with a someone who is whole someone who has goals. I never want to be a crutch for anyone.

 

I am employed in the action sports industry and i am hardly a bump on a log. I hang out with a lot of known athletes of the x games nature she was always part of this with me. I always tried to involve her. She knows all my friends and i thought she had a good time with them. So you see with me i can seperate responsibility with a good time.

 

As I said before - this was brewing for a long time on her side and there was nothing you could do about it. She was feeling constrained by the relationship.

 

Her idea of "an old married couple" tells even more of how immature she is and that she is definitely NOT ready for marriage. Be very very very thankful that you found out now rather than a couple of years from now when she dissolved a marriage instead of breaking off the relationship at this point.

Many have told me this. Add a kid or two and we would really be f-ed

 

It is my understanding that if you entered into a marriage with her you would have meant every word of your vows and taken her to mean every word of hers. It would have been truly devastating to you to enter into such a relationship with this girl.

 

I hope you can see now that she was a different person inside. What you know of her and how you know her is not HER. It was a part of her yes, but she will not become the real her - the person she is going to be for some time. She has a lot of growing up to do and she'll be different afterwards. So you see the girl you love is not through evolving. She will not remain this girl or the one you knew but someone else altogether entirely different.

 

How can someone revert back to this stage. I have been through it and i am done with it. I can look back at and laugh with a little ebarresment but that is over and i will not go back. Isn't this the same for most people?

 

 

Of course she didn't tell you. If she told you she wanted to be single and live it up -- that she wanted to party, be reckless, and careless with herself -- you would have said what exactly? "Go ahead, I'll be waiting patiently until you are through"? I think not.

And if by chance you would have said that and done that - you'd be over anyway because you'd have no respect from her and that ingredient is absolutely necessary.

No ,No I am sad but i would never lower myself to that. I would not only loose the respect of her but everyone around me. Everyone has seen that i have gotten back into life. No more sitting on the sidelines. I still allow myself to be sad at times but it is not constant like before.

 

She said probably not. But I think differently. There is absolutely nothing you could have done to exercise this longing from her. She is immature and not ready for a relationship such as yours was. She will not be ready for quite some time.

Maybe she is ready for some moron who will treat her like crap. I am not a bad boy and i do not treat women like crap.

 

 

I hope she'll learn from it too but this lesson will not be learned any time soon.

 

She then told me" You have a huge heart and you are going to make someone very happy."

 

She's right about this. No sugar coating it either. Plain and simple truth, that's all.

She has said it again in a message.

 

Because she is being a selfish immature girl. And you are primed for a woman. She will not be a woman for some time - at least not mentally.

She just isn't The One. I'm sorry. But the sooner you accept that the better.

I am trying. No contact is helping.

 

She is the one that will be freaking out. Just remember that when you see her she is just another girl. She is not someone you want to hang out with, talk to about what she is up to, you have to NOT CARE. At least ACT that way. She gets no special attention AT ALL.

 

This goes against my nature i mean the not caring part. I will have to fake it.

 

And you shouldn't. Feel free to bring a date to these functions as well. A pity party or "sparing her feelings" will not serve you in any capacity. Make a clear choice NOT to consider her or her feelings when it comes to your decisions for what you want to do. She is living her life. So you need to start living yours.

oh belive me i am doing what i want now. It used to be what if she calls etc. i would waste the battery on the cell phone just checking if she had called and believe me people noticed. Now they notice that i do not talk about it. I am getting back to my old self.

 

 

And what did you say?!! I hope you told her she has no right to tell you whom you can and can not talk to!

I should have. But i did not.

 

You knew her best friend before they were even friends. If you are friends with the two of them, her and her husband, than continue to talk to them if you want to.

 

The person you should not call or talk to is your ex.

 

NO CONTACT NOW. Absolutely no contact. You got your answers - now you need to stand up and get your manhood back. Talking to her keeps you in a constant state of weakness. You need to really begin to heal. You can't do that while you still talk to her.

 

You always go back to her health issues and that you still care. Well, she has family and other friends now who care about her. Lte them handle these issues with her. Stay out of it - stay away from her - don't take her phone calls and I don't care what the message says DO NOT CALL HER.

 

Please. Please. Please. Heed my words.

Again 10 days. What is she doing then. Guilt ,regret, ego, What? I have read alot on here about this. Alot of dumpers tend to do this after a period of no contact.

 

If you are in a social situation give her as much courtesy as you would any acquaintance and no more than that.

 

And do not speak to her outside of situations where you just happen to find yourself in her company.

 

Do not ask if she is coming to any particular get together. Make your choices on what you want to do. If you would like to bring someone then do that. If not, then don't.

 

Absolutely, under no circumstances, allow her to pull you aside to talk privately. Or find out what is going on in your life. You don't want her to share her choices and exploits with you and you do not want to get sucked back into being the "unboyfriend boyfriend" so just don't go there.

You are not a substitute girlfriend eunuch that can just be her best chatty friend whenever she wants to take you off the shelf and dust you off.

You are not a sap or sad sack who will run around at her beck and call.

 

You are a man. A hardworking, intelligent, kind, sensitive, and strong MAN.

 

You are worthy of someone's adoration and respect. If she doesn't adore you at least make her respect you. You don't get that by being available to her. You get that by not being available to her. You are the special package that she had and has now lost. Trust me, a man like you is very hard to replace and she will feel the void. She should. She should realize what she threw away so carelessly.

 

And you. Well, you need to look into the future and quit dragging the past along with you as you move toward it. At this point she is an anchor and you need to sail free.

 

If you don't, how will you ever get to that magical person that is out there? Move on my friend. Move on and don't look back.

Thank you for the compliments.

 

Letting go is happening day by day. Alot of good people on here make it sound so easy but when i give i give all and it takes a while to get it "all" back to give to another. I should start out with some next time.

 

Perfectly understandable. And you can do whatever you want. You are not beholden to your exes stupid rules and she can't say who you can and can't talk to.

Oh never but i will not go where i am not wanted. So far people have been good to me. They see what i have done, all the positive.

 

Ouch. I mean the phone call should not have come to you. She has a husband she can vent to. You are not a part of your exes life and certainly you do not influence her decision making (hence her not being with you).

 

You should have told her that, although you are sorry she is going through this with her friend, you have nothing at all to do with it.

 

As far as the bolded statement above - it is none of your concern anymore.

She was pissed. She has apologized since. It is not a subject we bring up anymore for all of our sakes.

 

I know it sounds harsh. But it really is none of your business. Your ex is none of your business. Their relationship is none of your business and you do not want to open the door that her friend calls you in these cases. Nip that in the bud. It just can't happen again. She can vent to her husband, her other friends, etc. Anyone else but you. You just can't be pulled into the emotions. It is not healthy for you and, again, it is really none of your business and you certainly can't do anything about it.

 

If you are going to be successful at moving on but retaining friendships then you have to get really clear about your boundaries. And enforce them. You don't have to be mean but when lines like these are crossed you do need to make it clkear that you are not the "go to person" about your ex. The best thing you can do is build stronger connections with these friends that have NOTHING at all to do with the ex. That means no shoulder to cry on, no sympathy, nothing. It is none of your concern any more.

This has suked the life out of all of us. I feel guilty that they are involved thats why i have done what i have done. I mean the not bringing up part. There are many more things to discuss.

 

If I wasn't married, I'd snap you up.

Thanks. There are alot of guys on here that would say the same about you. I wish you and your husband all the happiness. Sounds like you found your "one" As Napolian dynamite would say "Lucky".

 

yep. Good to know. And now you need to start getting yourself together so you'd be worthy of them. This has done a number on your self esteem. You need to regain your strength. It won't take long -- if you go NC and move on. I have spelled it out to the best of my ability. It is up to you to do the work. You'll be better for it but you have to resign yourself that it is just the way it is and DO IT.

I just need to live my life. I am very active and into alot of things. I have become all of a sudden busy and not just with my work.

 

 

So she pumped it all full of drama and then got you involved. She is sounding like a great girl (sorry).

 

 

 

 

They wouldn't have a reason to lie. She is being manipulative and thriving on the drama.

 

Bet you didn't know this side of her either. She did a really good job of manipulating you from the beginning although I don't think you would have believed me up until now.

 

This side was there. Underlying. And she felt it pulling to get out for months. You are seeing what she is really capable of and it should shock and scare the crap out of you. Hopefully you can now accept that you were in love with what you thought was her. Not her. Not the real her. Because this other person you are seeing and hearing from is part of her - and you don't love that. She won't be who she is going to be until she grows up A LOT.

 

Obviously there is alot i did not know. Sad:(. And yes it is scary. I'm a straight sooter almost to a fault (usually).

Again, you should be really thankful this didn't happen a couple of years from now after you were married and possibly had children in the picture. The backlash would have been waaaaaay worse if she was also running from the responsibility of motherhood.

Mortgage,custody, therapists,who knows

 

 

I am glad you haven't had contact. You have four days under your belt. It gets easier with time -- but if you slip you start all over and it will be just as hard as the first day all over again. So just don't do it.

 

 

 

 

I'm so glad your friend was there to stop you.

 

10 days now.

 

She is calling because she was sure that after your last conversation - you'd call. When you didn't she realized she may have to check in. So she tried. No message because all she wanted was some more "crutch time" - "oh poor me time". I'm glad you aren't going to be her go to guy for that anymore. It just sucks the life right out of you and makes you feel guilty for HER behavior and HER choices.

I have come up with distractions when i get the urge. I have also been leaving the cell in my car at night. This helps.

 

None of this is your fault or your choice. And because of that you can't FIX it. You can't pull her out of iit - you can't talk to her and make her see the error of her ways. She has given in to being a selfish, manipulative little girl who wants to act out. So she is going to do what she wants.

I told my mom the other day that i am not the one with the problem. I did not want this. I would have worked on this.

 

But she still wants you around. She still wants to use you to make her feel good about herself. She still wants you to show you care because it gives her a giant ego boost and she uses that big boost to go out and flirt around and party with other men.

 

So be it. Let her try and find another me.

 

Exactly. It works best if it is immediate. The NC I mean. Because at that point you've lost no respect and the hole -- the void of no you -- is much more apparent.

 

But it still works. It just takes longer and the impact isn't as strong but it still works.

 

 

 

 

You are doing the right thing but you are kind of at the edge of reason.

 

Move into the light. -- just kidding.lol

 

You are trying to do this as an effort to wake her up. THAT part is wrong. You need to realize you have to do this for self preservation and your future with whomever that may be.

The last few days has shown me this

 

Yes she's had you dancing like a puppet on a string. Of course you are tired.

 

The NC will help you to compartmentalize the affection and remove it from the observation of her actions. You really need to do that because although you know she is whacko right now - you are still wanting her back. And if a friend of yours was telling you about this same situation with a girl that is acting this way, you'd tell him to run for the hills wouldn't you?!! Wouldn't you tell him there are GIANT red flags all over the place and that she is showing how manipulative and what a user she can be?

I would tell a friend that. But it is also easier to look at a situation from the outside. I have been able seperate myself more and more and with this i am begining to think clearer

 

 

You need to get to the point where you can look at her actions and think "I don't want to be with THAT girl and that was rattling around in there the ENTIRE time!?! Which one would she be if I got back with her?!!"

 

Good point and a scarey one at that.

 

NC is for you. It is so you can heal and regain the perspective that you have lost. You are deep right now. You have not had a good breath of fresh oxygen filled air for a while. You can't trust what you would say, what you want to say, or any amount of interaction with her. You need to take some time to get to the surface and breathe a little bit. It will be a little while so just buckle down and do the work. Things will seem a lot clearer when you do.

 

My negative feelings towards N/C have begun to change. It is scary going in but easier with everyday. I just need to get better.

 

I really hope that this benifits others on here. I hope they can see that people can make progress and there is a light.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

You do not owe her anything. At this point your attitude should be, "I've done what was asked and you are either with me or not. No back and forth no games and no 'I need to see more'. Either you are or you aren't".

 

That should be your ATTITUDE. And then, observing her ACTIONS, you should be thinking "obviously you AREN'T."

 

And be in NC -- no matter what comes up -- she is not your responsibility, you owe her NOTHING (not in action, word, etc.) no matter what is happening in her life. You are not a part of her life right now so you have nothing at all to do with it. She needs to figure her crap out on her own.

Island Girl has this spot on .

 

Potted version of my situation.

Wife dumped me due to neglect and got in to a new relationship. I cried, got over it and bettered myself, intially for her, but ultimately for me. Now my life is looking up and my ex-wife is always finding reasons to initiate contact pretty much on a weekly basis.

 

I no longer initiate contact with her but I'm always pleasant when she contacts me. I never raise the relationship thing, that's up to her. If she ever does raise it, I'll let her know what she needs to do for things to work. I've done everything I need to. In the meantime if I meet someone else who rocks my boat like she used to then it's her loss .

[frd150]

Hey Y. C.

 

Thanks.

 

My attitude now is it is what it is. She is the one with the problem not me and that is what she has to live with. I have done what was asked and beyond.

 

I know i need to think different but i still love and miss her but her actions now are only helping me to get better. Funny how that works. i know i do not have to re-cap it is all in the above.

 

it has been 11 days since i have initiated contact and everyday i get better. i have been looking after myself. I have come to the same realizations as you. In fact your whole second paragraph mirors my situation and feelings.

 

She keeps calling I am getting a taste of what a dumper must feel like when the dumpee keeps calling. It is a good lesson. It definetly creates that push that you read about.

 

Good luck with your situation.

[frd150]

so its her birthday today and all thi week she has made attemps to contact me. she is on a trip you know the one i posted about earlier.

actually she is with family not with crazy friends. can sill be crazy though.

 

okay dont think i am sitting in a dark room at my computer. i am keeping myself occupied with friends on a trip of my own.

 

so i guess my question is do i break and send her a happy birthday message? i never want my nc to be out of spite it is just for me. but to be ignored on a birthday just sucks. i have been there. i know she has alot of people with her but when i was in the same situation i just wanted to hear from certain people. i can put issues aside for one day i am capable of it.

[Island Girl]

so its her birthday today and all thi week she has made attemps to contact me. she is on a trip you know the one i posted about earlier.

actually she is with family not with crazy friends. can sill be crazy though.

 

okay dont think i am sitting in a dark room at my computer. i am keeping myself occupied with friends on a trip of my own.

 

so i guess my question is do i break and send her a happy birthday message? i never want my nc to be out of spite it is just for me. but to be ignored on a birthday just sucks. i have been there. i know she has alot of people with her but when i was in the same situation i just wanted to hear from certain people. i can put issues aside for one day i am capable of it.

 

Although I am glad you are mature enough to put issues aside for a day.

 

That would be a gesture that is sure to be misinterpreted by her. It is -- I'm sorry to have to be so blunt - a doormat gesture.

 

From your perspective I know you would be doing it purely out of caring.

 

But don't. Do not break no contact. Not for any reason.

 

Right now you have been healing -- and although she has tried to contact you, you have remained strong and done the right thing by not speaking with her.

 

Don't send an e-mail, a card, or call. Do not contact her.

 

You have been way too available up until a couple of weeks ago. Do not open that door again. Not even a crack.

 

Stay focused on yourself. You have been doing a fantastic job!

[dr strangelove]

Look I know you want help on this that is why you are still posting still

 

May I inquire about these attempts to contact to you,

 

are they just seeing that her number has called

or are they her leaving you a message?

 

or is it by email

 

please elaborate

[Yernasia Quorelios]

Hey Y. C.

 

Thanks.

 

<SNIP....SNIP>

 

Good luck with your situation.

You are most welcome and good luck with your situation too .

 

PS The ex-wife's been in contact several times in the last week and will be coming round later this week to pick up some stuff she loaned to me......could get very interesting (or more likely not ).....watch this space .

[frd150]

Look I know you want help on this that is why you are still posting still

 

May I inquire about these attempts to contact to you,

 

are they just seeing that her number has called

or are they her leaving you a message?

 

or is it by email

 

please elaborate

 

 

To answer your questions......

 

She will call an ocasionally leave a voice message and somtimes not. She was /is never one that was big on leaving or listning to voice mails on a consistant basis. If there is no voicemail it is usually followed by a text message with something like "what are you up to" or something of that nature.

 

When she calls it usually more than one attempt. For example the other night it was two on the cell and one on the house phone (she rarely calls the house) and then it was followed by a text.

 

This has been going on up until yesterday when i got a message update about her doctors visit.

 

Listen, i know this has gone on for a while but if you look at where i was at the beggining vs. now i have come a long way but why after the conversation two weeks ago why all of the calls? She said that she did not think we could work and i did not argue even though i feel different i mean come on we worked for three years. If you read above i went imediatly into no contact. It took about three days and the calls started.

 

I do not know what it is about this girl that keeps me in her web but i am breaking free more and more.

 

So lets here it:D Oh by the way i read your thread the other day and i must say that maybe peaople were a little hard on you. Everyone has their own style and we all deal with sh#$ in our own way. I hope things are better.

[frd150]

You are most welcome and good luck with your situation too .

 

PS The ex-wife's been in contact several times in the last week and will be coming round later this week to pick up some stuff she loaned to me......could get very interesting (or more likely not ).....watch this space .

 

 

Yeah i have stuff here that belongs to her. She will be needeing it soon. Will see. Let me know how it goes.

[frd150]

Although I am glad you are mature enough to put issues aside for a day.

 

That would be a gesture that is sure to be misinterpreted by her. It is -- I'm sorry to have to be so blunt - a doormat gesture.

 

From your perspective I know you would be doing it purely out of caring.

 

But don't. Do not break no contact. Not for any reason.

 

Right now you have been healing -- and although she has tried to contact you, you have remained strong and done the right thing by not speaking with her.

 

Don't send an e-mail, a card, or call. Do not contact her.

 

You have been way too available up until a couple of weeks ago. Do not open that door again. Not even a crack.

 

Stay focused on yourself. You have been doing a fantastic job!

 

 

Hello IG.

 

 

Hope all is well.

 

 

I took five days out for myself to spend time with friends but in the five days i could not help but to think about her.

 

Now i am home and for some reason yesterday and today my thoughts started to turn to sadness again.

 

Could it be that her contact attempts are causing this. I wish we could cut the cr#$. I mean i tried . Their is only one call that matters and thats the one with her saying we need to talk.

 

I have done and said everything. She continues message me with updates on what she is up to just like when we were together.

 

 

So what do i make of all the calls and texts?

 

Oh btw she said that the doctor told her that she is doing better. He pulled back some of the meds. Maybe she is thinking different now who knows but i know i cannot bank on it.

[dr strangelove]

If I TELL YOU SOMETHING you have to listen to me and follow my instructions to a T

 

do you promise?

 

fyi on my post I didnt post it for others to read I posted it for me to read. The first thread I ever posted on here, my ex contacted me so im seeing if the 2 are linked.

[frd150]

Ok DS,

 

I'll bite.

 

Thats what this is all about, right? I would not be here if i was not willing to listen. I think (well recently) i have done a good job listening to advice here on ls.

 

So if it is advice you are going to give i will listen. If it is for real and it makes sence i will follow it to a T.

 

What i really want to know is why she is now the one initiating contact more? especially after the sh*%t or get off the pot conversation i initiated a couple of weeks ago.

 

 

So is your ex reading your posts?? Did you figure that out?

[dr strangelove]

OK

 

this is what I did and it worked in the end

 

-Take her calls, not all of them.

but most of them

 

- You could say im not sure how I feel about you anymore, when she asks what that means tell her you are not sure, lets talk about something else

Or you could say im not into being in a relationshop anymore, being single is great. etc..

 

-dont talk about the relationship or getting back together

 

-Try to get her to hang out.. but dont try to hard.. Throw it out there that you are doing something and see if she tried to invite herself

or that you will be near her neighbourhood etc

 

The reason she is calling you is that she is still interested, trust me on this.

I know she says one thing, but her actions are different

 

You have to stop talking about the "when we will get back together"

 

Man I didnt mention that once. I ignored my ex for 6 weeks solid. She showed up near my place, than after that day she called me day and night. I said I dont think im into you anymore, then she called more.

Then one day after her helping her out of a mess, she offered to take me for dinner and I took her for a movie and she ended up back here and well that

was how we got back the first time, cause when she woke up the next day she was refering to me as her boyfriend.

[frd150]

Sorry DS but i going to quote a bit

 

 

 

OK

 

 

 

this is what I did and it worked in the end

 

-Take her calls, not all of them.

but most of them

 

She is calling every couple of days and if i do not answer she will try one or more times followed by a text. If i am busy i do not answer or i will return her call later. If she asks about what i was doing and she usually does i just tell her i was busy or out with friends or i was doing some physicall activity (sports) or something of that nature.

 

 

- You could say im not sure how I feel about you anymore, when she asks what that means tell her you are not sure, lets talk about something else

Or you could say im not into being in a relationshop anymore, being single is great. etc..

 

-dont talk about the relationship or getting back together

 

If the topic arises. She does not even mention the relationship. I have always been the one to do it. NO MORE. I have stated my case and i have made my intentions crystal clear. If the topic arises at all i will take your advice.

 

She made the comment to me the other day that i always seem to be doing something. I said "did you think i was going to curl up in a ball and die" ? She said Ah Well No". This is all despite the fact that that i am dieing inside. "Fake it till you make it" Either way. (sorry I.G.) my sadness is still there.

 

 

-Try to get her to hang out.. but dont try to hard.. Throw it out there that you are doing something and see if she tried to invite herself

or that you will be near her neighbourhood etc

OK. In her job she provides a service (not sexual) that she used to do for me. Well she has asked me several times in the last week and a half if i want her to do it for me. This would require her to see me. Another friend did it for me and when i told her she was a little bummed. She said "you need to come in and see me". She said i will squeeze you in where ever i can. I said that i would let her know.

 

The reason she is calling you is that she is still interested, trust me on this.

I know she says one thing, but her actions are different

My best friend agrees with you. Well then what is she scared of? My thought on this is this...

If you are done with someone you do not call text etc. You still may care but you do not check in on a regular basis. When i do not call and she calls me after two or three days of nc i can only think that she gets curious or worried.

 

From a guys point of view is this girl crazy? or is this normal?

 

I am in agreement with Island Girl about her actions leading to the fact that she is not right but in the last week or so a couple of guy friends have told me stories about similar situations they were in with girls they dated. Maybe we all dated the same girl.

 

I also agree that her behavior raises alot of flags about the future IF we got back together.

 

You have to stop talking about the "when we will get back together"

I DO NOT talk about that with her At all. For me it is not when it is IF.

 

Man I didnt mention that once. I ignored my ex for 6 weeks solid. She showed up near my place, than after that day she called me day and night. I said I dont think im into you anymore, then she called more.

Then one day after her helping her out of a mess, she offered to take me for dinner and I took her for a movie and she ended up back here and well that

was how we got back the first time, cause when she woke up the next day she was refering to me as her boyfriend.

 

I guess if i continue what i am doing now i will eventually get my answer. She may just stop calling or she may want to move towards reconciliation. If the later is the case then there will have to be alot of issues addressed.

 

Maybe her wanting me to go in is the same as yours taking you to dinner. I dunno. I just think that seeing her might set me back. I need to decide.

 

Yesterday i spent the afternoon with a girl that i broke up with along time ago (mutual out of necessity due to LD). We had a nice time but all i could think about was my ex. This other girl knows about my situation because my mother has a big mouth. She offered up some advice she said i should go after what i want. She also is in agreement with you about the contact thing relating to the fact that there is still interest. She has been the dumper twice since we broke and she did the same to the first guy got back together for six months and then he dumped her. she has dropped hints about us seeing each other more.

 

As much as i like her i think that my lifestyle is more compatible with my ex.

 

I guess i just want what i cant or shouldn't have.

[frd150]

I was thinking in the shower as i often do.

 

I keep holding on to all the good in our relationship. Friends, Her family (whom i became very close to) the alone time, being able to count on her to be there, My best friend. She was always a big help always liked to do projects around my house. I would come home and she would be covered in paint but what ever she was painting looked beautiful. There was one time where she tried to change a light fixture without turning off the power. ZAPknocked her off the ladder and all she did was laugh. Not to mention the trips and other adventures. AHH the good times.

 

But what about the bad??

 

There were days where i wished that she would stay at her folks house so that we could have a little time apart. I was not pissed or anything we were just always with each other. Strange how one of her claims was that we did not spend enough time together, Or when she would leave my spare bedroom a mess with all the clothes, or when she would leave the bags of chips open in the cubbord. (BTW DS try milanos if you have them over there. Choclate and shortbread...TASTEY).

 

What she is doing to me/us now. How she is acting now. EWW the bad times.

 

Just my shower thought.

[dr strangelove]

Who makes those? or is that the brand?

 

Well there is a brand of cookies, and some other stuff that has my exes first name on it.. the seem to appear in front of me when im trying to put her out of my head

 

Yes Ive read your post.

 

Now instead of adding my own commentary.

 

What do you feel your best course of action is after reading my post and your post and perhaps if you reread the thread?

 

What do you feel you should do after you take all this information

 

Maybe you are thinking too much as well, btw. oops I didnt say that

[frd150]

DS,

 

Sorry for the late reply. Been off the boards a For a bit. Was at a trade show and honetly i was trying to forget about all of this for a while.

 

Milanos are made by pepridge farms. Not sure if the are sold outside the states.

 

My best course of action i felt was to lay low for a while and not answer the phone every time she called. I needed to regain a little of my manhood back. This morning as i was boarding my plane home i recieved a text that said " Do you not want to talk it's ok so just tell me so i stop calling" followed by "Good morning". I waited till i landed to respond. I responded with " You said you were busy this week as was i" She then called later but i was fighting with the airline over some damaged luggage:(.

I called her back but the conversation was status quo. I felt like she was checking if i was still in the bull pen in case she needed me to come in for a save. Am i reading her wrong? who knows.

 

 

As for what i should do? Well, funny thiing is i was asked today by a co-worker if i would take her back if she came back and my honest answer was Yes. I Am done with the pathetic chasing thanks to island girl I guess at this point i should live (as i have been as she will never come back).Another funny thing is she is still telling people that we are just taking some time to ourselves....HUH??

 

 

I do think way to much. I am a Libra i gues it is just my nature. This is probably part of what my problem is. I thought to much about us and thus waited to long to take the next step.

 

Time to watch the sopranos last episode.

[dr strangelove]

Sorry dude I dont know what to say, sounds like you asked her if she wants you back or something like that.

And if you did you will always get the same answer.

 

I wish my ex was calling me. I wish I had some of the situations most of you do on here, they seem really easy to deal with.

[Island Girl]

Hey there frd150

 

Glad you are through with the chasing. Glad you are taking time to do what you need to so you can get your head together.

 

Yes, the good seems to outshine the bad more and more with time. It takes focus to maintain the reality -- there WAS bad after all.

 

And Mint Milanos are the BEST...yummmmmmm

 

Hope all is well with you.

[frd150]

Hey IG,

 

Thanks for checking in.

 

Some days are tougher than others but i know its what i have to do.

 

She still calls to talk. I do not take every call but i am not an ass and i do not ignore. the conversations are a little puzzling sometimes. Example, She left som kithcen items at my house and did not realize it until she needed them the other night. I Asked her if she needed them back and she replied " No, those are ours and besides what if i come over and make something at your house. I want that stuff there." She then asked about my laundry situation. Let me say i have always been a good bachlor and i keep a clean house. She said" I'll bet your laundry is piled up and your towel cubbord is disorganized. Ill probably need to come over and fix that." I told her that it was ok. I jokingly told her to say hello to her dog who was with her and she replied with "K says hi and she really misses you."

 

This is the way its gone since i stopped chasing. Not everyday like before which before was mostly initiated by me by the way. The calls seem to come in clusters.

 

She called me on wed. on my cell twice. I did not answer. She then called my office (she has not dialed that number since the breakup) and my assistant answered and aske me if i wanted the call. Well, i said yeah. If she was trying that hard then something might be up. Nope, just wanted to see how i was doing. she filled me in on the happenings in her family who i miss very much and also on her self.

 

 

I ended the conversation. i told her i had stuff to do. Not mean just matter of fact.

 

Push pull i guess. No contact since then im not sure if its my turn.

 

I am looking at tthe situation much differently now than before. I still have the pit in my stomach but its small. I have never had such a hard time breaking free after a relationship.

 

Yeah, i know the good and the bad.

 

hmmmm......... mint milanos. looked at em but never ventured past the standard. I will get em.

 

Hope all is good in your world. Keep doin what you do.

[dr strangelove]

Ok man let me lay this all out for you

 

You want your ex back.. but all you seem to constantly do is ask her "so when are we getting back together"

"Will take me back?"

"Do you want me as your boyfriend again?"

 

"Do you want fries with that?" (im just kidding about that part)

 

Now your ex has been trying to find excuses to see you.. but you do not pick up on that. And in fact you shoot every excuse down...

 

Guess what buddy

go make a mess of your towels or clothes ok??? do you get it?

 

Probably not.. but maybe you will

 

mama mia!!!!!

 

I should teach a step by step course on this.. christ