Not working for me

[Curmudgeon]

Yeah, but then I have to eat it too.

 

Guess it wouldn't hurt to lose a few pounds between now and payday at the end of the month!

[Curmudgeon]

She got angry with me for getting upset/angry with her. That was helpful!

 

This morning she's been all sweetness and light as if nothing happened and nothing matters. It does!

[Trialbyfire]

Someone save us from the passive-aggressive and confrontation-avoidance types. I hope you didn't let her sweep it under the carpet. This has to be dealt with.

[Curmudgeon]

Obviously there need to be some major changes in the way the funds are handled and at the risk of being accused of being even more financially controlling, that's just what I'll have to become.

 

I might try putting money in that account on a weekly or bi-weekly basis rather than lump sum at the beginning of the month and see how that goes. If nothing else, it will make damage control easier and less painful.

[Enema]

Does she know she's out of control?

Does she make promises to be more on top of things?

Is she apologetic?

 

Worst case scenario, you should take over the paying of the day to day bills and give her an allowance.

 

If she's going to act immaturely with the money, treat her as such. Equality with finances should only exist in a marriage when both parties are responsible and aware of its impact, she seems neither of these things.

 

It's a crappy situation, but I don't think you'd be wrong to be more selfish about this.

[Trialbyfire]

Perfect. Proactive versus reactive. Well done.

[Gunny376]

I have to admit that when I read your post Curmudgeon,

I was kind of shocked, because of all the good things you’ve

had to say about the DW and your marriage.

As much as I preach about how ignorant and ill equipped we are

for marriage, most of us are just as handicapped about the subject

of personal finance.

 

I’m currently single, and that is more by choice than any other

reason. But one of the primary reasons for so, is getting myself

to where I want to be financially in my life.

 

I’ve read both Dave Ramsey’s "Complete Money Make over"

and Mary Hunts, "Debtproof Living" They’re both saying the

same, but I like Mary approach better, because she gets down in

the dirt with it so to speak, and puts out a weekly column and a

monthly newsletter. She has a website, but because it’s a paid

site, I can’t link you to it. ($2a month).

 

 

If you sign up for the on-line newsletter, you’ll get access to the

full site, all of the back newsletters (years and years worth) and

to the forum. Mary site is to personal finance what LS is to relationships.

I highly recommend it.

 

At her site and through her newsletters, is chocked full of money

saving, making-do, getting by ideas, contributed by both herself and

her loyal followers.

 

While Dave and Mary both advocate complete debt eradication,

and have an emergency fund, Mary takes it to another level in

advocating Freedom Accounts. What a freedom Account is having

specific money saved and set aside for specific reoccurring expenses

such as property taxes, auto repairs, auto registration, furniture and

appliance repairs, household repairs.

 

As Dave would say, when you’re prepared for such things, "Murphy"

(of Murphy’s Law) doesn’t hang around nor come around as much.

 

Being three years out from retirement ~ I would really recommend you

look into Mary website, and her books. They’re both pretty popular, so you can probably pick up their books at the local library. Dave also has a weekly radio talk show. Just Goggle, Dave Ramsey and Mary Hunt.

 

Specifically to you original "vent", with my last LTR, what I did was to sit

down the GF, and added up the "household budget" came up with a

total, then added up her and my total income, came up with a percentage.

 

Since I earned 70% (and 3X’s what she did)of the total household income,

I paid 70% of the total household bills. The trick was, her car payment and expenses were hers. Ditto with clothes, etc. This free up more of her check to spend on herself and her son.

 

We never had an argument about money ~ NEVER.

 

You just need to educate her about money, and set some bounderies, and put some safety checks in place. Don't get angry, and don't get emotional about it. The only problem I see here is that your just more advanced and savy about financial issues than she is. It'll take some time, effort, communicating, educating ~ but that's marriage.

[sIZE=2][/sIZE]

[BentSpine]

This doesn't look good:

 

Your wife doesn't have any stops with regards to spending.

What's worse, she doesn't seem to realise how she spends. She got defensive instead of apologetic when you brought up the facts. At this point she will probably oppose you restricting 'her' $ further. The two of you are not working in the same direction.

[Curmudgeon]

Just offered my wife a compromise. We'd been using a cash-back, platinun credit card for the monthly expenses while the funds to pay it off each month stayed in savings and drew interest until the bill came due. I suggested stopping that for now and going back to a cash-only basis for the household account.

 

Instead of depositing the entire monthly amount in the household account at the beginning of the month, her retirement check (half the monthly household amount) will go into the account on the first. I'll add the other half to the account from "my" (all accdounts are joint) checking account on the 15th. By the way, she does take an "allowance" of $350 a month out of the household funds to spend on herself (or her family, I guess) as she pleases and that's already built into the budget, just as I give myself a $200 a month "allowance" out of mine. That takes care of my coffee at the office in the morning, haircuts, etc.

 

My wife appreciated the fact that i presented this as an idea to discuss, not as an ultimatum or directive, and was most agreeable to it. She, too, thinks it will help her curtail the spending and agrees that it will also make damage control much easier.

 

Gunny, thanks for the suggestions. We're fine usually. I have money going directly into savings, a healthy 401(k) and a money market fund account automatically each month; money I don't even see in my paycheck. All raises go immediately, full-dollar, into the latter two accounts which are both tax-deferred for both state and federal. That way we don't count on them and live on what we've been living on for the past several years. These are all on top of my defined benefits, state retirement account.

 

Thanks everyone. I needed to unload and you offered great support and good advice. Rant over. Peace reigns again!

[alphamale]

This is undermining what I'm trying to do for us and I aslso think it's total disrespect for me. Am I wrong about this?

Yes you are...you married her and her family so you are now financially resposible for all of them. If you cut her kids off then your wife will cut you off and end up taking you to the cleaners anyways.

 

This is exactly why I don't recommend marriage for men.

[2sunny]

Yippeeee!

 

Goo job C=Lion

 

I like your solution - let us know how it goes with an update in the next month or so.

[2sunny]

Yes you are...you married her and her family so you are now financially resposible for all of them. If you cut her kids off then your wife will cut you off and end up taking you to the cleaners anyways.

 

This is exactly why I don't recommend marriage for men.

 

geez alpha - you ought to be happy you don't live close to me - cuz i'd come over there and slap you silly!

[Curmudgeon]

Yes you are...you married her and her family so you are now financially resposible for all of them. If you cut her kids off then your wife will cut you off and end up taking you to the cleaners anyways.

 

This is exactly why I don't recommend marriage for men.

 

Nope! Vows didn't include family. Since she has her own retirement and the capacity to earn just about as much as I do (same profession, just a couple of steps down from me), no taking to the cleaners either.

 

Hope your Teddy Bear or Ken Doll don't run away from home, Alpha, or you'll have no one to hug and cuddle with when you get older.

[alphamale]

Nope! Vows didn't include family.

sure they do...if you marry someone with kids you've also married them

 

Since she has her own retirement and the capacity to earn just about as much as I do (same profession, just a couple of steps down from me), no taking to the cleaners either.

please explain why she's usuing your money again

[Curmudgeon]

please explain why she's usuing your money again

 

Maybe because I make six times more than she does, ya think?

 

Since it's a household account, it benefits me as well so I don't have to subsist on Ramen and Mac & Cheese. She's my wife. I don't mind sharing, within reason. I think that's what husbands and wives do. I'm just old-fashioned enough to not mind in the least being the primary bread-winner.

 

I only get upset when she does something to undermine our financial well-being whether for the month or for the long-haul. I've worked too hard for what we've accomplished financially to put up with it.

[alphamale]

I only get upset when she does something to undermine our financial well-being whether for the month or for the long-haul. I've worked too hard for what we've accomplished financially to put up with it.

When I was married CURMUDGEON I had all my accounts in my own name and gave her a weekly stipend. She wasn't working so I was supporitng us fully. She had her own savings acct and credit card in her own name. To top it off she couldn't even make a decent home-cooked meal.

[Curmudgeon]

and all our accounts are joint except for my retirement account and 401(k). She's the sole beneficiary on those.

 

Ordinarily these problems do not occur. This month was an unfortunate anomaly and I reacted badly but got over it within 24 hours after unloading here.

 

My wife has her own credit cards and I have mine but we can each charge on one another's. Under normal circumstances, it works well for both of us even though "my" credit card is the only one we actually use except an occasional charge and immediate pay-off on the others to keep them active and keep our FICO scores good.

 

If I felt I had to guard against my wife on an ongoing basis, split finances completely, etc., she wouldn't be my wife.

 

Maybe that's why you don't have one, ALPHA!

[alphamale]

Maybe that's why you don't have one, ALPHA!

financial matters aside, I divorced her....

[Curmudgeon]

financial matters aside, I divorced her....

 

Financial matters included, I ain't gonna!

 

BTDT!!!

[johan]

Financial matters included, I ain't gonna!

 

BTDT!!!

 

Remember you said that, Curm. It's a big turnaround from what you were saying up above. Don't let yourself get emotional and fly off the handle or you'll put yourself in a position to have to go back on your word. One way or the other.

[Curmudgeon]

Remember you said that, Curm. It's a big turnaround from what you were saying up above. Don't let yourself get emotional and fly off the handle or you'll put yourself in a position to have to go back on your word. One way or the other.

 

And a necessary turnaround at that, Johan.

 

I'll remember. I'd rather eat my words "spoken" in haste and at a time of high emotional upset than make a lasting mistake from which there may be no turning back.

 

It's rather rare for me to fly off the handle like that but even I am just human after all.

 

Thanks!