Ladyjane14 Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 So let me ask, does 'forgiving' her mean I have to be nice to her? Be her friend? Where do i go from here? I feel as if I just want to keep her as far away from me as possible....email only contact, see her as little as possible. Is that OK given the fact that I offered her 'forigiveness' for her actions? ...forgiveness can have MANY meanings. A religious person, for example, would see the transgressor as a 'Child of God', beloved by God, sins and all. And who are we to disagree with Him? Although, even people of no spiritual beliefs whatsoever can still embrace forgiveness, if on no other terms than on the basis of simple human compassion. I'm gonna save myself some typing and recycle one of my earlier posts to another thread. I'm lazy, I know :laugh: ... but it's exactly what I would've told you on this subject anyway. Forgiveness doesn't have to mean that we accept a toxic person back into our lives.... particularly not when we have a pretty good indication that they'll continue to be toxic. It can be as simple as just wishing them well on their journey, hoping that they'll find a better way to live their life. In the case of reconciled relationships though, I think forgiveness does need to be inclusive of acceptance. For example, if you take back a wayward spouse, it's not right to withhold that. But otherwise... Forgiveness is for YOU. It allows you to bolster up your self-esteem because you know you've been a bigger person than maybe you thought you could be. It unburdens you from the transgressor's emotional controls. And it's a simple thing to do. You just do it. The only trick is in maintaining it. But if you make a habit of reminding yourself daily that you've made a choice to forgive, that becomes easy enough too. It's a point of honor to do what you've said you would. Integrity is just the honor we do unto ourselves... but it's a vital part of self-esteem. So you begin to see how forgiveness benefits YOU in more ways than it does the Ex.
Woggle Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Act neutral towards her. Keep it very businesslike.
Ladyjane14 Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 I swear EVERY SINGLE TIME that I fail to "preview" my post, it's f*cked up and gets posted over before I can fix it. :mad: Anyway... here's what it was SUPPOSED to look like. (Although, it turns out I didn't save too much time or effort in typing. ) So let me ask, does 'forgiving' her mean I have to be nice to her? Be her friend? Where do i go from here? I feel as if I just want to keep her as far away from me as possible....email only contact, see her as little as possible. Is that OK given the fact that I offered her 'forigiveness' for her actions? I'm gonna save myself some typing and recycle one of my earlier posts to another thread. I'm lazy, I know ... but it's exactly what I would've told you on this subject anyway. ...forgiveness can have MANY meanings. A religious person, for example, would see the transgressor as a 'Child of God', beloved by God, sins and all. And who are we to disagree with Him? Although, even people of no spiritual beliefs whatsoever can still embrace forgiveness, if on no other terms than on the basis of simple human compassion. Forgiveness doesn't have to mean that we accept a toxic person back into our lives.... particularly not when we have a pretty good indication that they'll continue to be toxic. It can be as simple as just wishing them well on their journey, hoping that they'll find a better way to live their life. In the case of reconciled relationships though, I think forgiveness does need to be inclusive of acceptance. For example, if you take back a wayward spouse, it's not right to withhold that. But otherwise... Forgiveness is for YOU. It allows you to bolster up your self-esteem because you know you've been a bigger person than maybe you thought you could be. It unburdens you from the transgressor's emotional controls. And it's a simple thing to do. You just do it. The only trick is in maintaining it. But if you make a habit of reminding yourself daily that you've made a choice to forgive, that becomes easy enough too. It's a point of honor to do what you've said you would. Integrity is just the honor we do unto ourselves... but it's a vital part of self-esteem. So you begin to see how forgiveness benefits YOU in more ways than it does the Ex.
Gunny376 Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Par the course, great post LJ. Maybe we can get the mods to put together a collection of things you've posted make them a "sticky" Anyway HNNY, you're the one that sets the bounderies ~ if its just e-mail, than what more do you really need. If she's wanting more? Well she should have thought about that before the affair, sepearation, divorce.
Author hurting_in_nw Posted April 19, 2007 Author Posted April 19, 2007 ...forgiveness can have MANY meanings. A religious person, for example, would see the transgressor as a 'Child of God', beloved by God, sins and all. And who are we to disagree with Him? Although, even people of no spiritual beliefs whatsoever can still embrace forgiveness, if on no other terms than on the basis of simple human compassion. I think I am approaching it from the compassion side, as I'm not a religious person. Forgiveness doesn't have to mean that we accept a toxic person back into our lives.... particularly not when we have a pretty good indication that they'll continue to be toxic. It can be as simple as just wishing them well on their journey, hoping that they'll find a better way to live their life. This is the best I can do, and I feel it's what I offered her. I will never let her back into my life...she simply doesn't deserve someone as good as me in it.
Gunny376 Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 I think I am approaching it from the compassion side, as I'm not a religious person. This is the best I can do, and I feel it's what I offered her. I will never let her back into my life...she simply doesn't deserve someone as good as me in it. Bingo! That's a good one! That just got you a couple of bunnies :bunny: and a good old fashion Ooooooooraaaahhhh!
Missy27 Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 So let me ask, does 'forgiving' her mean I have to be nice to her? Be her friend? Where do i go from here? I feel as if I just want to keep her as far away from me as possible....email only contact, see her as little as possible. Is that OK given the fact that I offered her 'forigiveness' for her actions? And Gunny, I absolutely did it for me, not her. Indifference my friend ...... Indifference. I know I keep repeating this, but I really believe that once you reach that point, you begin to rebuild again. Its like Gunny says, if you tell yourself something often enough, if you drum it into yourself, eventually it starts to sink in .... "I am indifferent to her, I am indifferent to her, I am indifferent to her.... whatever she says or does is her business, I am working on bettering MYSELF... I am indifferent to her" As I said before HN, She has her own demons. You dont NEED to wish her any more pain than she is already going to have to face. YOU are ALREADY on your journey of recovery, she hasn't even started. Keep contact to an ABSOLUTE minimum, it will help you to begin healing. Now is about YOU not her. You dont need to be nice, you dont need to be nasty ..... Whats that word again ;)
Author hurting_in_nw Posted April 19, 2007 Author Posted April 19, 2007 Indifference my friend ...... Indifference. I know I keep repeating this, but I really believe that once you reach that point, you begin to rebuild again. Its like Gunny says, if you tell yourself something often enough, if you drum it into yourself, eventually it starts to sink in .... "I am indifferent to her, I am indifferent to her, I am indifferent to her.... whatever she says or does is her business, I am working on bettering MYSELF... I am indifferent to her" As I said before HN, She has her own demons. You dont NEED to wish her any more pain than she is already going to have to face. YOU are ALREADY on your journey of recovery, she hasn't even started. I guess my problem is that I just wish that her new relationship will fail, in spite of her confidence in it. I know I need to let go of that, but it's hard. I don't want her to be happy. I want her to one day face what I'm going through as well, and I honestly don't know if she ever really will. Keep contact to an ABSOLUTE minimum, it will help you to begin healing. Now is about YOU not her. You dont need to be nice, you dont need to be nasty ..... Whats that word again ;) I know, and I will. I asked her not to ask any questions, but to change the password on her email account.
Author hurting_in_nw Posted April 19, 2007 Author Posted April 19, 2007 Guys, guys, guys....why do I keep screwing up?? I saw her at the house today to work on some things, and the rage came out again. I just can't control it when I'm around her...I want her to hurt so bad because it hurts me so much not only that she cheated, but that she's going to continue a relationship with this scumbag, and he will eventually be a part of my son's life. It's just so friggin' hard to deal with, and I get so angry at her...call her names, tell her to kill herself...then I go into the "how could you do this?" routine. Aaaaarrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It always feels like it's getting better, and then as soon as I see her it all goes out the window. I'm going to ask her that when/if I come around and she's there, to just leave. Not ask me "Do you want me to go?" just leave. I can't deal with this rollercoaster anymore and I'm tired of this cycle of anger and hatred getting the best of me. I do hate her. I hate him too. But as long as I don't have to see her it's much easier to deal with.
El-Producto Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 Guys, guys, guys....why do I keep screwing up?? I saw her at the house today to work on some things, and the rage came out again. I just can't control it when I'm around her...I want her to hurt so bad because it hurts me so much not only that she cheated, but that she's going to continue a relationship with this scumbag, and he will eventually be a part of my son's life. It's just so friggin' hard to deal with, and I get so angry at her...call her names, tell her to kill herself...then I go into the "how could you do this?" routine. Aaaaarrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It always feels like it's getting better, and then as soon as I see her it all goes out the window. I'm going to ask her that when/if I come around and she's there, to just leave. Not ask me "Do you want me to go?" just leave. I can't deal with this rollercoaster anymore and I'm tired of this cycle of anger and hatred getting the best of me. I do hate her. I hate him too. But as long as I don't have to see her it's much easier to deal with. Okay man, settle down. I'm going through the EXACT same problems, and I'm doing better every time I see her. The bottom line is you CAN'T control what she's doing. I've resigned myself to the fact that no matter how much I hate the guy, and think that she is making a mistake (my wife's OM is older than her father), there is NOTHING you can do about it. If you are concerned about your child's safety than that is another problem. I don't want my kids to be involved with the OM, and my wife seems to respect that for now. She agrees that it would be too confusing for them. I do know however that if you have a strong relationship with your children, they will not mistake the OM for anything but a friend of your STBXW. As hard as it is.. you HAVE to let go of her. Everytime I tell myself this, and let her go.. it gets easier. I sleep better, and don't have those bloody panic attacks where I'm wondering what she's doing with him all the time. I've stopped checking my wife's email, that was the biggest step for me, because everytime I read the **** that they were saying to each other, it killed me. Remember out of sight, out of mind. Go for as close to NC as possible. I'm doing that right now, and my wife is responding well. She's much more reasonable and easier to deal with, the less I talk to her. Which I know when it comes to the divorce will make things MUCH less traumatic for all involved. Remember they are like a druggie on LSD, they don't know what they are doing, and there is nothing you can do to change that. You have to let her find out the hard way. Plus everything you say or do to CONTROL her will just make her want to do more. You aren't alone, keep posting. You'll make it, I've already come REALLY far in the last week by just doing the things above.
sumdude Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 wow I feel for ya... you're still in the early stages there. I clearly remember the paranoia, the digging for clues, trying to play CSI and track her etc etc. Here's what I did and if can do it too don't hesitate. My boss knew things were rough, I asked to take 2 weeks off and went to Florida to an old freinds. I spent that time reading some good self help books, reflecting and dealing with the emotions and went NC. Thing is she called me after about 10 days. We talked for hours and when I came back we met and I had a new sense of hope things could work out. Looking back I wish i hadn't answered that call and stayed NC at least until I came home. Still, getting away gave me the chance to be far from the reminders, the access to computers etc etc and get my insanity in check. Basically I was able to break the cycle. GET OUTTA DODGE!
quiet1one1 Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 What can be said that all these *experts* haven't already said? You will HURT her more by showing her that she's not affecting you!!! Everytime you react, she gets a rush.
Author hurting_in_nw Posted April 20, 2007 Author Posted April 20, 2007 I know you guys are right. I'm going to try. Today's test is that the contact address she put on the divorce papers can't possibly be where she's living, as it's nowhere near our stepson's school, and he had mentioned to me that there is a bus stop for her house. I'm wondering if it's OM's address, or his business or something. If so it makes it very tempting to pay him a visit...and believe me, I know I shouldn't. I know. But it's so hard not to want to.
Author hurting_in_nw Posted April 20, 2007 Author Posted April 20, 2007 This world and the people in it are just so f'ing shi**y. I can't believe I've been reduced to this angry, hateful human being because of this woman and this scumbag f**k she's screwing. It's just so disgusting. If it weren't for my son I know for a fact I'd do something rash and stupid, but you know, I wouldn't even care. I feel as if my whole f***ing life has been ripped out from under me, and i'm standing here in the ruins while she walked off into the sunset. I wish I could never see her again. I wish such horrible things about her now...cancer, AIDS, car crash. I hate her so much, with every ounce of my being. How will I ever get through this? I deserve better than to be who she's made me because of what she's done. I didn't deserve this.
sumdude Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 This world and the people in it are just so f'ing shi**y. I can't believe I've been reduced to this angry, hateful human being because of this woman and this scumbag f**k she's screwing. It's just so disgusting. If it weren't for my son I know for a fact I'd do something rash and stupid, but you know, I wouldn't even care. I feel as if my whole f***ing life has been ripped out from under me, and i'm standing here in the ruins while she walked off into the sunset. I wish I could never see her again. I wish such horrible things about her now...cancer, AIDS, car crash. I hate her so much, with every ounce of my being. How will I ever get through this? I deserve better than to be who she's made me because of what she's done. I didn't deserve this. I know how you feel ... been there. Try to remember that we're all human and do stupid things that hurt others. Try try try to get past that hate, for your own sake. It may take some time but you must. Yes you have to let these emotions out in some way because they are real. Hate is the the evil twin of hurt. You are so hurt that you want to lash out at someone, something, everything. Think about that tortured hateful soul who gunned down those college kids. He never let it go. Don't let her weaknesses turn you into someone you don't like. And like Gunny says MAN UP to your part in things. Seriously, go on a mental retreat for a couple weeks. See a councilor. Find a heavy bag (big Everlast punching bag) Go bawl your eyes out because that's what you need to do. If you don't that hurt will stay hate.
Gunny376 Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 The person your hurting here is yourself. Are you in counseling? If not you need to be. All that hate your dealing with? That isn't hate Brother ~ that's deep hard felt love turned inside out! You've got it bad for her! You need to speak with someone. Get you azz to a counselor, and see if you can't find a divorce support group. Like I keep telling you guys ~ your primarly dealing with withdrawal from an addiction. You're the pipe and they're the crack. And Sumdude is right if you can get away for a couple of weeks ~ (months even better) it'll help.
ilmw Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 This world and the people in it are just so f'ing shi**y. I can't believe I've been reduced to this angry, hateful human being because of this woman and this scumbag f**k she's screwing. It's just so disgusting. If it weren't for my son I know for a fact I'd do something rash and stupid, but you know, I wouldn't even care. I feel as if my whole f***ing life has been ripped out from under me, and i'm standing here in the ruins while she walked off into the sunset. I wish I could never see her again. I wish such horrible things about her now...cancer, AIDS, car crash. I hate her so much, with every ounce of my being. How will I ever get through this? I deserve better than to be who she's made me because of what she's done. I didn't deserve this. Ok...No you do not deserve this.. no one does.. not like this anyway. But... feeling the way you do right now.. is not going to help you...at all. Getting bitter and twisted.. is going to make you sick inside.. You are going to have to learn to let it go... Trust me on this one... focus on other things... You need to.. The anger and frustration.. is understandable... but lose it quick... Find some inner piece... learn to do this... and you will feel so much better.. Yes you will get angry... again.. but you will learn to let it go... Its becomes like a "flash temper" Boom!... then it is gone... Its learning to cope.. learning.. to forgive.. (sounds hard... YES) But in the end... you have to let it go.... The way you wrote.. the anger in it... I can appreciate... but.. ONLY vent on here.. K... Use LS for your sounding board... ilmw
Author hurting_in_nw Posted April 20, 2007 Author Posted April 20, 2007 I've been going to counseling from the very start of this. In fact, last week my counselor thought I was doing so well that I should go to every other week. I was doing well. I was moving on. I was putting her behind me. But I shouldn't have read those damn emails yesterday. That really set me back, and then the exchange I had with her didn't help anything either. It doesn't matter if I'm screaming and calling her names, or talking calmly about the way she's made me feel, seeing her just makes me so angry. Unfortunately I can't just up and take off right now. I'm trying to get this house together so it can get SOLD and I can get the f**k out of here. We're supposed to meet at the courthouse today to file the divorce paperwork. Knowing I have to see her keeps me in this angry state, not to mention this is effectively the end today. Maybe that's why I'm in such a state right now. Anyway, I know what I have to do, it's time to MAN UP and f'ing do it. I'm going to head to the gym, then to the home store for the closet doors I need to hang. I'll post later after I get back from the courthouse.
Ladyjane14 Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 I've been going to counseling from the very start of this. In fact, last week my counselor thought I was doing so well that I should go to every other week. I was doing well. I was moving on. I was putting her behind me. But I shouldn't have read those damn emails yesterday. That really set me back, and then the exchange I had with her didn't help anything either. It doesn't matter if I'm screaming and calling her names, or talking calmly about the way she's made me feel, seeing her just makes me so angry. Unfortunately I can't just up and take off right now. I'm trying to get this house together so it can get SOLD and I can get the f**k out of here. We're supposed to meet at the courthouse today to file the divorce paperwork. Knowing I have to see her keeps me in this angry state, not to mention this is effectively the end today. Maybe that's why I'm in such a state right now. Anyway, I know what I have to do, it's time to MAN UP and f'ing do it. I'm going to head to the gym, then to the home store for the closet doors I need to hang. I'll post later after I get back from the courthouse. I don't recommend this often ... but I'm thinking your best bet is to go out and get laid. I'm not saying to get into another relationship. You need to resolve your feelings about the ending of the one you're in before you do that. I'm just saying... get out of the house, meet some women, make it clear that you're only looking for fun times and recreational sex... and get you some. Play safe though.. you don't want to be catching anything you can't get rid of. :bunny: You need some perspective, dude. This is NOT the end of your life. It's just the beginning of a new one. And quite frankly, I've seen alot of posts by alot of guys, getting divorced and having a tough time with it emotionally. And you know what?... For the most part they start putting it behind them just as soon as they get back in the saddle as it were. It's gonna help you to really start thinking of this woman as your EX-wife. Start calling her that in your mind. Say it with me... "my EX-wife". And while I'm all for as little contact with an ex as can be managed... we don't give ground when it's not convenient. We don't rearrange our whole lives just to avoid somebody. We don't RUN from our troubles, right? It just gives other people power over us when we do, making us feel ineffectual and victimized. Say 'no' to feeling like a victim. Say 'yes' to moving on with your life.
ilmw Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 I don't recommend this often ... but I'm thinking your best bet is to go out and get laid. I'm not saying to get into another relationship. You need to resolve your feelings about the ending of the one you're in before you do that. I'm just saying... get out of the house, meet some women, make it clear that you're only looking for fun times and recreational sex... and get you some. Play safe though.. you don't want to be catching anything you can't get rid of. :bunny: You need some perspective, dude. This is NOT the end of your life. It's just the beginning of a new one. And quite frankly, I've seen alot of posts by alot of guys, getting divorced and having a tough time with it emotionally. And you know what?... For the most part they start putting it behind them just as soon as they get back in the saddle as it were. It's gonna help you to really start thinking of this woman as your EX-wife. Start calling her that in your mind. Say it with me... "my EX-wife". And while I'm all for as little contact with an ex as can be managed... we don't give ground when it's not convenient. We don't rearrange our whole lives just to avoid somebody. We don't RUN from our troubles, right? It just gives other people power over us when we do, making us feel ineffectual and victimized. Say 'no' to feeling like a victim. Say 'yes' to moving on with your life. Very inspiring Post LJ... makes me want to run out tonight.. and get some...:lmao:.. You are such a gem...:love::bunny::bunny:
Gunny376 Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 I don't recommend this often ... but I'm thinking your best bet is to go out and get laid. I'm not saying to get into another relationship. You need to resolve your feelings about the ending of the one you're in before you do that. I'm just saying... get out of the house, meet some women, make it clear that you're only looking for fun times and recreational sex... and get you some. Play safe though.. you don't want to be catching anything you can't get rid of. :bunny: You need some perspective, dude. This is NOT the end of your life. It's just the beginning of a new one. And quite frankly, I've seen alot of posts by alot of guys, getting divorced and having a tough time with it emotionally. And you know what?... For the most part they start putting it behind them just as soon as they get back in the saddle as it were. It's gonna help you to really start thinking of this woman as your EX-wife. Start calling her that in your mind. Say it with me... "my EX-wife". And while I'm all for as little contact with an ex as can be managed... we don't give ground when it's not convenient. We don't rearrange our whole lives just to avoid somebody. We don't RUN from our troubles, right? It just gives other people power over us when we do, making us feel ineffectual and victimized. Say 'no' to feeling like a victim. Say 'yes' to moving on with your life. Don’t listen to LJ ~ HNNY! Join a monastery ~ become celibate , shave your head and become a monk! Go the rest of your life ~ hating life and everyone in it, praying and seeking redemtion, beating yourself up everyday ~ all day long! Seriously! As soon as you kiss the lips of another woman ~ you’ll forget all about the STBXW! Great post LJ! :bunny: :bunny: :bunny:
sumdude Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 Don’t listen to LJ ~ HNNY! Join a monastery ~ become celibate , shave your head and become a monk! Go the rest of your life ~ hating life and everyone in it, praying and seeking redemtion, beating yourself up everyday ~ all day long! Seriously! As soon as you kiss the lips of another woman ~ you’ll forget all about the STBXW! Great post LJ! :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: YEEEE HAAWW!! Back in the saddle again boys! Rope 'em and ride 'em... The hard part is that a woman can smell desparation a mile away so any time you really really want some is exactly when you can't get it.... Unless of course they're just as desperate:D I think half the reason people go to divorce groups is to find the others folks who need a rebounder...or am I wrong about that ?
Ladyjane14 Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 The hard part is that a woman can smell desparation a mile away so any time you really really want some is exactly when you can't get it.... Unless of course they're just as desperate:D That's what the beer-goggles are for, man. :p Now in YOUR case... you play the "designated driver" role and let her wear 'em. Heck, a guy who's sober enough to drive the girls home could find himself in a pretty good position.
Author hurting_in_nw Posted April 20, 2007 Author Posted April 20, 2007 Haha, you guys cheered me up. Thanks:)
Author hurting_in_nw Posted April 20, 2007 Author Posted April 20, 2007 Well, I've really narrowed it down to the physical sight of this woman that gets me fired up. I can talk to her on the phone and remain civil, but as soon as I see her it boils up. Anyway, I kept my cool at the courthouse while we signed the papers and stuff. At one point I just sat glaring at her, but for the most part I just kept my distance from her. I wouldn't even let her touch me, or share the same pen as her:) Who knows, I could get chlamydia or some s**t. Got home and a co-worker was trying to get a hold of me. Turns out he won a company raffle and got a couple 'premier' seats for a ZZ Top show tomorrow in Northern Cali, along with a MEET AND GREET!! That's right, I'll be hanging with one of my biggest guitar heroes tomorrow, the one and only Billy F. Gibbons!!!!! Things are looking up!!
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