Is it really over? (VERY long)

[hurting_in_nw]

I think the goal right now for you would be to exercise a lot of patience. I know it's very hard to do given your situation. I am still full of anger.

 

You're right. And I just did in fact. She emailed me a 'reminder' that I needed to pick up my son from daycare today because she has a work meeting. I had hit reply, and typed "You don't need to remind me, I have the schedule" but then I just closed the window. There's just no point in me saying that, plus, she's probably on the other end waiting for a reply.

[Darth Vader]

While this may be the case Gunny, I'm nowhere near being able to forgive her. At best I'm trying now to at least understand what is so wrong with her that she was capable of doing this.

 

Plus, there's the whole idea in my head now that forgiving her essentially gives her a 'free pass' on her behavior, and I simply can't do that right now. Keep in mind I'm not even two months from finding out about everything...I can't see forgiving her for all of this until I see some serious remorse and understanding on her part about just how wrong she was to do this to me. I will do my best to not let it get in the way of moving my own life forward. I believe that now that I've entered the depression phase, I will come to accept all that has happened, but I don't know how long that will take. Until I get there, I don't think there's any chance at forgiveness. There is just too much unresolved stuff between us, and since I can't stand to even see her right now, there won't be any resolution for some time.

 

 

She may never have remorse, some people never do to their death. STOP WAITING for that! That will hinder your moving on. Besides, from what I have heard, you don't want to be around her when that bomb explodes!

It won't be pretty. All Hell will break loose in her life! That's the part where Mr. Reality shows up! (Ahem!) ME! And I say Honey, I'm HOOOME!!

 

So do your best to just forget about her, have you picked out the colors of the paint yet? No? Well then, MAN UP NOW! And get that paint!

[Darth Vader]

If more wayward spouses knew that their betrayed spouses had this forum to vent, let alone all of this free advice, well, they'd shriek. There's more of us here to help a BS than a WS, IMO

[El-Producto]

She may never have remorse, some people never do to their death. STOP WAITING for that! That will hinder your moving on. Besides, from what I have heard, you don't want to be around her when that bomb explodes!

It won't be pretty. All Hell will break loose in her life! That's the part where Mr. Reality shows up! (Ahem!) ME! And I say Honey, I'm HOOOME!!

 

So do your best to just forget about her, have you picked out the colors of the paint yet? No? Well then, MAN UP NOW! And get that paint!

 

This is one of my big problems, I keep waiting for my STBXW to say she's sorry, and be remorseful. It's probably never going to happen, and I have to realize that. It sure would be nice to hear though.

[hurting_in_nw]

I guess it's not that she hasn't expressed remorse, but the fact that it doesn't really matter because she's continuing her relationship with OM.

[azianpride143]

It's all for show. They try to look remorseful, depressed, and sad. But when your not looking. Party on Garth! They have to justify what they have done in order for them to feel good about what they did. Even if it was wrong in the first place.

 

No sense in crying over spilled milk. Just keep on trucking and move on with your life. Being single is not that bad.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I know for me being single rocks!!!

 

It kicks ass!!!

 

Im 26 and been getting trim from so many beautiful women it's ridculous. I always wondered what the hell I saw in my ex, she was self absorbed delusional control freak. Who had hoeish tendencies.

 

And she lied to me when I asked her for the truth. The only time when I wholeheartedly accepted any woman into my life, and was prepared to make her a part of mines. I get stabbed in the back. But you know what in the future I'll be much more careful of who I let near my heart.

 

I'll look at the signs, any red flags. Anything that sticks out, too much for my comfrt level. Such as her feelings for her ex, any self esteem issues, any bi-sexual tendencies, control issues, daddy problems. Anything that may potentially mess up the relationship.

 

Trust me you'll get your mojo back, first stop is to hit the gym. That's a start. Live 4 u.

[quiet1one1]

I guess it's not that she hasn't expressed remorse, but the fact that it doesn't really matter because she's continuing her relationship with OM.

 

IT DOESN'T MATTER TO HER. SHE WILL NOT SHOW REMORSE.

 

At least soon enough to help you now. Someday she may but by that time you'll be *golden*.

 

You've got to do the repair yourself.

[quiet1one1]

Hey Hurting,

 

Will you mind telling me how old you are?

[Missy27]

True enough ~ but that was coming from what I would do. But I'm an azzhole that doesn't care if the sun doesn't shine! I know I'm an azzhole! My concern was the potential legal ramificiations for another person. It'd been me? I would have thrown it to the curb and "tie-died" her trash with Clorox if not set it on fire and roasted marshmellows and wennies! Hell I'd even invited the neighbors over to sing camp fire songs anda eat hot dogs and smores!

 

I'm your worse nightmare ~ an educated, retired Marine, redneck of an azzhole!

 

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

 

And you know what Gunny, you'd be surprised how much us women need more men like you in the world.

[hurting_in_nw]

Hey Hurting,

 

Will you mind telling me how old you are?

 

I'm 32 years old.

[Missy27]

How do I let go of bitterness LJ? I don't know how. I can't forgive her, and I won't. Some things in life are unforgivable in my eyes, especially given her lack of remorse. Maybe this will change over time, but I can never see myself justifying what she's done. If it weren't for my son, I can honestly say she'd never see or hear from me again. Is that wrong? Why does someone so terrible deserve forgiveness? Maybe she needs to live with the guilt of never being forgiven by me so she doesn't do this to someone else (not OM though, because he deserves it). I'll get over it whether I forgive her or not.

 

Forgiveness and the art of, varies from individual to individual. Some people find that forgiveness brings with it a sense of tranquility. Some people find it too difficult to grasp this concept. We are ALL capable of forgiveness, its just whether we choose to allow it into our hearts.

 

YOU have to decide where YOU stand with this HN. No one else can tell you how to forgive, as I said, it comes from within. A good tip is to look into your future - 5 years from now. Where would you like to be? How would you like to be feeling? I'd be very surprised if you told me you WANTED to still be feeling bitter, angry and jealous about this. Time moves life on, whether we like it or not. Time will move on for you, and although you will probably never "like" your STBX again, and perhaps you never will grasp the art of forgiveness, but you WILL find it in yourself to ACCEPT what she has done and move on with your life.

[quiet1one1]

I'm 32 years old.

 

....Oh how I wish I was finding this sh*t out when i was 32 instead of 46!

 

Get out and play BIG BOY!

[Gunny376]

I'm 32 years old.

 

 

Your 32?! Hell, you need to be on the phone to the STBXW thanking her for leaving!

 

Thank God and Greyhound she's gone!

[hurting_in_nw]

I'm getting there guys, slowly but surely. I actually met a cool chick through a friend of mine who is just gorgeous and I have a lot in common with, but unfortunately she's married so it's off-limits. But it's made me realize that there will be life after this.

[sumdude]

Your 32?! Hell, you need to be on the phone to the STBXW thanking her for leaving!

 

Thank God and Greyhound she's gone!

 

Amen! I'm 39 becoming single, have a good job, looking fit, no kids, not gay, no big issues (anymore) and realizing I'm a bit of a commodity out there! NW you're in a good position, just keep thinking that.

 

I'll also recommend the Xuma book that Gunny suggests. The Alpha Man e-book and CD's. Helps you realize who you really are inside. As much of an eye opener as the Women's Infidelity book is.

[hurting_in_nw]

I actually met a cool chick through a friend of mine who is just gorgeous and I have a lot in common with, but unfortunately she's married so it's off-limits.

 

OK LS friends, I have to level with you on this and I need your advice.

 

I felt an immediate connection with this girl, and while I was visiting with my friend last night at his work (where she works too), I realized that it is most likely mutual. Red flags are flying all over the place, and believe me, I see them all.

 

But what do I do? Is it wrong to even see her or talk to her, knowing how things tend to naturally progress? She is a social person, and given that we have a mutual friend there may be times when we see each other. Do I just avoid her completely, knowing that there is a mutual attraction? If it was just me thinking that she was cool/pretty, I could live with that and know that I wouldn't push her for more. However, like I said, I know how things tend to progress naturally when two people like each other, and I don't want to make the same mistake I made with my STBXW by becoming her "out" for her current relationship. Of course, there's no way I could know if she's that type for sure unless I got to know her better.

 

I think I know the right thing to do, and that is avoid seeing her. But it's hard because she is cool and is the kind of person I tend to gravitate toward as a friend. Do I talk to her about this, so as not to make her think I'm a dick? I am the type of person that likes to be honest with people, but I don't know if honesty in this case would do anything but increase the attraction. I suppose I could handle it through our mutual friend, but he hasn't helped matters any by telling her things like "HN thinks you're cool."

 

Ack, this sucks. I feel like I'm being tested here, but I don't know the right answers. Or maybe I do.

[quiet1one1]

whoa there. maybe I'm not following you....

 

she's married, right?

 

and you're looking to do to some other dude what some dude (not sumdude) did to you? :confused:

[hurting_in_nw]

whoa there. maybe I'm not following you....

 

she's married, right?

 

and you're looking to do to some other dude what some dude (not sumdude) did to you? :confused:

 

No no no. Absolutely not. Read my post again...I DO NOT want to be a part of that. I know that I shouldn't even see her or have a friendship with her, but what I'm grappling with is just being straight-up with her and saying, "You know, I think you're cool, but because of my/your feelings, I think it's best that we just avoid each other," or just avoiding her without even saying that.

[quiet1one1]

ok, sorry! i was wondering if i was getting that right.

 

look...you're a guy (i assume ) and she's a girl....it's a bad mix. particularly where you're at right now.

 

it would be for me anyway.

[sumdude]

Just relax, sounds like you might be creating some possible scenario. Your mind is still churning pretty fast with everything going on right now.

 

No one has propositioned anyone right? She's married and has made no obvious moves? You've just talked and enjoyed conversation? Take it easy ... enjoy the freindship and keep it that way. If you don't feel strong enough to resist making a move THEN I guess you should avoid her.

 

There is no natural progression. Things only progress as far as either or both people allow it to. We're all adults here right?

[ilmw]

Just relax, sounds like you might be creating some possible scenario. Your mind is still churning pretty fast with everything going on right now.

 

No one has propositioned anyone right? She's married and has made no obvious moves? You've just talked and enjoyed conversation? Take it easy ... enjoy the freindship and keep it that way. If you don't feel strong enough to resist making a move THEN I guess you should avoid her.

 

There is no natural progression. Things only progress as far as either or both people allow it to. We're all adults here right?

 

Good post SD,

 

I could not have said it better..

[hurting_in_nw]

Just relax, sounds like you might be creating some possible scenario. Your mind is still churning pretty fast with everything going on right now.

 

No one has propositioned anyone right? She's married and has made no obvious moves? You've just talked and enjoyed conversation? Take it easy ... enjoy the freindship and keep it that way. If you don't feel strong enough to resist making a move THEN I guess you should avoid her.

 

There is no natural progression. Things only progress as far as either or both people allow it to. We're all adults here right?

 

Yes, we are all adults. However, with my STBXW, I wasn't as much of an adult as I am now, and in looking back I see that there were signs that she was forming an attachment to me from the start, looking for a way in so that I could be her way out of the unhappy relationship she was in. Despite the fact that I told her nothing physical would happen between us, it was probably the same day that she broke it off with him that things did go that route. Looking back, I have regrets over that and I don't want to make that same mistake again.

 

No, there haven't been any propositions, but like I said, there is definitely a mutual attraction. There were some small things last night that made me realize this...a rub on the back when she left the room...the comment she made, "It's too bad I'm married"...when I waved goodbye to her in the parking lot, she waved back, then blew me a kiss...these are the red flags I mentioned.

 

I can't lie, she's awesome. If she were single, I'm sure we'd be seeing much more of each other. But since she's not, I think maybe it's best we don't see each other at all. Part of this too is that if she's in an unhappy relationship, which I'm told she is, down the road, who knows what might happen? But again, I don't want to be the reason she leaves that unhappy relationship, even if it's just because of an emotional attachment we form with each other and nothing physical ever happens.

 

I am particularly vulnerable now because honestly, it feels great to know that a girl like her finds me interesting and attractive. But I can't use that as an excuse, and I won't, because I know it could lead me down that same path again.

 

Like I said, it all boils down to, should I just be honest with her and say, "Look, you're awesome, but I feel that we'd be getting off to a bad start and I would be repeating mistakes I've made before if we explore a friendship. With that in mind, I think we should probably not see each other too much," or just flat-out avoid her without saying anything. She's really nice, and like I said who knows what may happen if/when her current relationship plays out as many unhappy ones do. I guess I feel that if I am just cold to her, without saying why, that a year or two from now she may find herself single but not think of me as an option because I did that.

 

Jesus, do I overthink things or what? Or is that a good thing given what I'm dealing with?

[ThumbingMyWay]

No, there haven't been any propositions, but like I said, there is definitely a mutual attraction. There were some small things last night that made me realize this...a rub on the back when she left the room...the comment she made, "It's too bad I'm married"...when I waved goodbye to her in the parking lot, she waved back, then blew me a kiss...these are the red flags I mentioned.

 

Look at it from this angle.

 

Imagine this woman is your STBXW...and you are her OM. And these were the things she said to you. Now...knowing what you are feeling because your STBXW cheated....think about what this womans husband would feel knowing that his wife is flirting with another man...and saying things like too bad she is married. Think about that for while.

 

Do you want to be part of the cause of the pain this womans husband COULD feel if something were to happen???

 

 

I am particularly vulnerable now because honestly, it feels great to know that a girl like her finds me interesting and attractive. But I can't use that as an excuse, and I won't, because I know it could lead me down that same path again.

 

dam straight it does....it makes you feel alive...it makes you see WHY someone can cheat when tempation is put in front of them. In the early parts of recovery...i was there too....I got HUGE ego boost from being acknowledged from other women...it felt awesome....but I also knew I was vulnerable due to my low self esteem. Its all chemicals in your brain man...

 

In fact.....in the last few months, some friends (single/divorced females) of my wife. have made it known to HER...not me...but to her. They have made many many compliments of me. "Oh your husband is soooo cute"....or "hes hot, your lucky". "He is such a great dad...my ex never did anything with the kids"...etc, etc...In fact I think one of them asked if they could borrow me for a night...jokingly of course.

 

But ya know....it felt awesome to hear these things....YES my wife tells me what they say. And ya know what....I see a tinge of jealously....and I love it...it helps her realize just how good she has it....and what she could have lost. It actually brings her closer to me....she says...you stay close to me...I dotn want any woman taking you away.....

 

 

Jesus, do I overthink things or what? Or is that a good thing given what I'm dealing with?

 

yes you do...so did I early on....its good and bad based on the context.

 

NOW...do you have mutual attraction with this women...well yes...and its obvious. BUT...remember what your goal is......get dirvorced....get YOU back....then find a nice single woman....

 

DO NOT plan anything with this woman...the last thing you need to do is spill your guts about what you are going thru....cause if she is truely in an unhappy marriage...she will cling to you...and then....it will start all over...with you being an OM......and right now...you CANT go there..you need to fix yourself and get over all the crap...before you get involved with another woman...

[hurting_in_nw]

Thanks dude. Like I said I know the right thing to do, and I will from here on out.