Is it really over? (VERY long)

[Gunny376]

Well, that's the difference between you and alot of other guys, then. I know a guy right now who CHEATED on his wife... then got all pissed off because she divorced him and subsequently left his kids. He moved out of state for nearly a year, just to lick his wounds.

 

Now that he's back, he can't understand why his teen-aged children aren't calling him on the phone and wanting to spend time with him.

 

Sometimes, as in the case of your ex's third husband, it really does seem like a father will emotionally abandon his own biological children in order to raise someone else's. I don't think it's deliberate in most cases though.

 

There is usually division between parent and child during the teen years. This is natural, albeit emotionally difficult, as the child pulls away and begins to assert autonomy. In a divorce scenario, it seems a common misconception that one parent turns the kids away from the other. But I don't think that's what's going on most of the time. I think alot of it is simple rebellion from older kids coupled with parenting mistakes.

 

For example, my step-Dad's only child so resented him for remarrying... as a teen, she moved in with her grandmother. His mistake of course, is that he didn't INSIST on healing the breach between them. He let her go. I and my siblings oh the other hand, who benefited from his care, thought the world of him and still do. He was, in many ways, a better father to us than he was to her.

 

My own father, upon remarriage and wanting to be a "father" to his step-children, didn't INSIST on healing the breach with his kids either. In resentment of my mother and in despair of emotionally reconnecting with us, he too let his biological children go... and became a better father to his step-children than he was to his own.

 

I dunno. The assumption that 'Mom is poisoning the kids against him' stops too many divorced Dads from following through and correcting problems that they'd have NEVER tolerated from a kid if the family dynamic would've survived. I've seen it again,and again, and again... a divorced dad sitting by the phone, waiting for teen-aged children to call HIM. I hope he's not holding his breath is all I can say!

 

Hey... teens might be BIG kids, but they're kids still. And they don't have the tools grown-ups do. To be honest, they're a real "mess 'o work" even if your marriage is intact.

You have to chase them down and fill their ears to overflowing if you expect ANYTHING to stick with them.

 

Anyway, I think once a kid grows up and once s/he does have the tools, it's easy to realize that adults are only just people... and parents are as fallible as anyone else. Mistakes are usually forgiven in adulthood, at least for those whose hearts were in the right place... and peace reigns once more.

 

Thanks LJ, that was the "dynamic" factor of the equation I couldn't figure out. Like I said, I could give a rat's ass about the X, but my children mean everything to me, I scarificed a lot for thier sake, and its taken me years to get back to where I was 17 years ago. But, hey? That's what Daddy's are suppose to do. I gave the XW everything worth stealing from a 12 year marriage for their sake. From my parent's divorce ~ I knew divorce sucked, and went and climbed up on lover's cross for them them and tool the blunt of the divorce, I took on all that I could for their sake.

 

That's what Daddy's do, that's what a man does. Its not pretty, and its not fun ~ and it was damn hard. It cost me over 100,000 and then some, and that's what PMO, I could have been a pretty awesome Step Daddy to my Step Daughter if I'd had that kind of smack coming my way instead of the $133 a month her Daddy paid.

 

But you know what, (thank ilmw for this an LJ) such is life? You do the best you can with what you've got at the time.

 

Its important that all of you understand ~ I'm still learning and growing from all of you!

 

LJ ~ You're children must be some "kick~ass" children because of you!

[hurting_in_nw]

I think my husband could have almost written this post. I am so sorry it ended this way.

 

I've often wondered if my STBXW might stumble across this place. Maybe I am him.

 

[Ladyjane14]

Thanks LJ, that was the "dynamic" factor of the equation I couldn't figure out. Like I said, I could give a rat's ass about the X, but my children mean everything to me, I scarificed a lot for thier sake, and its taken me years to get back to where I was 17 years ago. But, hey? That's what Daddy's are suppose to do. I gave the XW everything worth stealing from a 12 year marriage for their sake. From my parent's divorce ~ I knew divorce sucked, and went and climbed up on lover's cross for them them and tool the blunt of the divorce, I took on all that I could for their sake.

 

That's what Daddy's do, that's what a man does. Its not pretty, and its not fun ~ and it was damn hard. It cost me over 100,000 and then some, and that's what PMO, I could have been a pretty awesome Step Daddy to my Step Daughter if I'd had that kind of smack coming my way instead of the $133 a month her Daddy paid.

 

But you know what, (thank ilmw for this an LJ) such is life? You do the best you can with what you've got at the time.

 

Its important that all of you understand ~ I'm still learning and growing from all of you!

 

LJ ~ You're children must be some "kick~ass" children because of you!

 

Speaking of "kick ass"... I'm on the verge of KICKING some.

My oldest and I are locked in a power struggle this week. I will WIN!!!

Because if I don't... ultimately he loses.

 

But this is the same kind of thing I was telling you about earlier. It's natural that a teen will start separating from the parent. And the struggle is difficult. An older kid wants autonomy. But s/he also wants Mom and Dad's approval.

 

It's unfortunate for divorced Dads that they are removed from seeing how this thing plays out. I have the feeling that you might've walked around feeling guilty for years over a loss of connection that would've happened naturally no matter WHAT the circumstances had been.

 

Kids pull away. And they keep on pulling. To be honest, I don't think they're ready to reconnect until they're all grown up and well established in their lives. It doesn't mean they don't love us. It doesn't mean that they no longer want our approval. But the fledgling doesn't want the nest. It's not until he trusts his wings that he can offer a more equal friendship.

 

I'm great buddies with my folks now, particularly my Mom. But it wasn't until I was nearly 30 that I was ready to treasure that relationship. Not because I didn't like her, or wasn't interested in her, or even because I was holding the FREQUENT fights of my youth against her.

Rather, I was so busy in my own life, and maybe just a little too immature up to that point to know what I was missing.

[Missy27]

LJ, and others I'd like your views on this!

 

Gunny, I do nothing but read your posts and "swoon" with admiration for you. I kinda get this feeling about you when I read your posts and I've sort of built a picture up in my head about what you're like, not something I have done with too many people on here. (I'm probably Way off the mark, but we can all dream )

 

My SO's brother was in the army, not marines, but he's a tough talking, lean walking, no bullcrap kind of guy and he tells it to you straight. His XW left him with their 4 children (all boys under the age of 7). She rarely has much to do with him or the kids now. Says she's too depressed, can't handle them or something (WHY FRIGGIN HAVE THEM THEN ????). Anyway, he's out of the army now (as you can gather) he's working on the spanners, all the hours god sends him, he's paying the mortgage for a 3 bedroomed house they live in, gas, electric, council tax (over here that's a crippler), food, petrol, school fees, and everything else you can think of to keep those boys from going under. He even manages to put a little bit back each month into a savings account for them.

 

Now I wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of Matt, but he DOES live and breath for his kids and he DOES talk sense (most of the time - when he's not in army mode ) - he always tells me that no matter what, no matter whether he meets another woman again or not, no matter what life throws at him and how crappy and tired he feels sometimes, how broke he is or how angry he gets with life sometimes - having those boys happy and healthy and smiling makes him feel like the richest man on earth. I look after them on a saturday. They come in the afternoon and stay overnight and he picks them up on a Sunday morning. They are the most well behaved and adjusted children you could ever hope to meet. They're polite and courteous and they have respect. They laugh and smile ALL of the time. It IS funny when you call them in for bed time cause they all stand in a line tallest to smallest with their arms behind their backs waiting for an inspection of cleanliness after bath time (wonder where they get that from!)

 

Anyway... I suppose I've gone off a bit but what I'm trying to say is you dont seem much different with how you have been with your children. It's obvious you live and breath for them and men like you are worth their weight in gold. I suppose as long as you can look at your kids and think "i've done the best I POSSIBLY could", then you're a winner. Your Kids will know how much you've put on the line for them and you will no doubt reap the rewards in the years to come. You truly are the man gunny, a real man.

[sumdude]

I suppose as long as you can look at your kids and think "i've done the best I POSSIBLY could", then you're a winner.

 

I think that's the key in whatever you do in life. You're a winner if you do the best you possibly can with what you have at the time.

[Gunny376]

I have the feeling that you might've walked around feeling guilty for years over a loss of connection that would've happened naturally no matter WHAT the circumstances had been.

 

Ya hit that nail square on the head.

 

And, I feel that's a lot of what going on with my children and I DD27 and DS23, they're just busy with their own lives, and trying to square things up.

 

Not to brag, but they are pretty awesome responsible, well adjusted individuals. The DD at 21 bought her first car without a co-signer, and her own house at 23. I did manage to give one of the greatest gifts I could ~ each other and their half sister, they're tight. They, my GS, and their niece and nephews have something that goes beyond the XW and I ~ a family that will grow and outlive her or I.

 

I do believe that I've taught them responsiblity, to be self sufficient, honorable, and to live a life of integrity.

 

Missy27 ~ Anyway... I suppose I've gone off a bit but what I'm trying to say is you dont seem much different with how you have been with your children. It's obvious you live and breath for them and men like you are worth their weight in gold. I suppose as long as you can look at your kids and think "i've done the best I POSSIBLY could", then you're a winner. Your Kids will know how much you've put on the line for them and you will no doubt reap the rewards in the years to come. You truly are the man gunny, a real man.

 

Thank you!

 

I can honestly go to my grave today, and say I did the best I could, and have always given life and what its thrown at me all that I had.

 

And as strange as it may sound ~ I'm so use to "sucking it up ~ and dealing with it" that its taken me a while to realize and fully comprehend that I've "made it" and I'm on the otherside of the river ~ the otherside of the struggle. (I've told one person via a PM my story here ~ it wasn't pretty, and it sure as Hell wasn't fun, the Storms of Life just kept coming and coming, year in and year out)

 

Thanks for the posts and support!

 

Sidebar ~ LJ when you posted about going head to head with one of your teens,........................all I could think about was "Resistence is futile."

[hurting_in_nw]

I'm concerned that you're subing' and re-chanelling your emotions,................from the STBXW to the Car, etc. That's all right in so long as your aware of it. Just be conscious and aware of it all ~ that's all that I'm saying.

 

Yes, I am aware of it and am not using these positive things as ways of escaping the other emotions I have to deal with. There is still some lingering anger that floats to the surface at times, as well as sadness, but I've resolved myself to not stay in those places for too long. I don't deny myself the experience of feeling them though and working through them.

 

Hate to be the guy that burst your bubble ~ but the car to have is a 69' Pontiac (back when a Pontiac was a Pontiac and not a thinnly disguised Camero) Firebired convertable with a 400 cu in engine and a four barrel.

 

Yeah, yeah, I know. But I can't exactly afford a sweet hot rod like that right now, so the '95 will do:D

[hurting_in_nw]

Hello my LS friends. Long time since I posted and I wanted to give you all an update and once again say thanks for all your help through this.

 

I mentioned a couple of pages back that there was a girl I had met through a mutual friend who I could tell there was a mutual attraction with, but that at the time I knew she was married so I held off those feelings. As I got to know her, I learned that she and her husband had separated a few weeks before we met, both resigned to the fact that things weren't working after the past couple unhappy years they shared.

 

Our connection was strong, and we began seeing each other as friends, but it wasn't long before things came out in the open between us. We both recognized that we are very compatible with one another and both possess what the other has been looking for. There was fear on her part that she might simply be a rebound for me, but honestly, I've never been the type to have casual relationships, not to mention what she and I shared seemed so much more real than any of my other LTRs ever were, even in a short period of time. She felt the same way.

 

Fast forward a month or so, and we are very much in love with one another. I know, it's soon. I know, her divorce isn't final. But we went into this with our eyes wide open, with communication at every turn about all of it. I certainly wasn't looking for anything, in fact I was very excited about being single again as I enjoyed those years of my life immensely. It's funny how life just sorta happens though, especially in the love department. We treaded lightly into this, but it wasn't long before the both of us were in deep.

 

I've been hesitating to post this here because I know many of you will see obvious red flags here, but I want to assure you all that I have grown and challenged myself throughout this whole process. Before I became involved with this girl, I had gotten myself back, and that was a great feeling because I really missed that guy and didn't realize how much my marriage had to do with me losing sight of him. When I came to accept the end of my marriage, I also realized that the XW and I simply weren't compatible enough to make it for the long haul, and our relationship was defined by me giving and giving of myself and receiving little in return. I know now that over time, the resentment I had buried in me would have surfaced, and who knows what would have happened then. By the time I finished my IC, my counselor commended me on my strength in dealing with the end of my marriage, and the growth and understanding I had achieved through the process.

 

One thing I'd like to say to those going through a divorce is that you will receive advice from many different people that will sometimes be contradictory. The key is to know yourself and your situation, because you know those things better than anyone else. Let people give you advice, listen to it, take it to heart, but at the end of the day only YOU know what is best for you. Everyone is different, and every situation is different even though there may be similarities from one to the next. Yes, conventional wisdom would say that I am taking a big risk by getting involved so soon after a divorce, however, my ex father-in-law went through the same thing I did, met a woman before his divorce was final, and is still with her 25 years later. Some people need longer to heal, some people heal faster. The key is to be in touch with your feelings and allow yourself to feel them, but find a productive outlet for them. If you've read through this thread, you can see where I let my anger spiral out of control toward my XW, and I do regret that and have since apologized to her for many of the things I said. The anger I felt toward her that was so intense has left me, and I am now able to maintain a civil discourse with her on matters involving our son. We're never going to be buddies by any means, but we do have a son together, and I realized that his well-being is paramount. I "manned-up" as Gunny would say and took control of my emotions, and we're all much better off because of it.

 

Not sure if it was in this thread or not, but along the way someone told me that eventually I would achieve indifference toward my XW, and I've felt that way for quite a while now, since before I met the new girl. I think that and the fact that I felt more in touch with myself than I have in a very long time made me feel comfortable moving on with someone else.

 

I wish you all the best. To those going through this, it sucks, but there is another side, another life after divorce. As my favorite singer wrote, "No matter how cold the winter, there's a springtime ahead." It's the truth. Believe me. And please know that I am in a very good place now in my life and very happy.