"I need space and I don't know if I love you like that anymore! !"

March 24, 2007

I would recommend that you read this e-book ~ regardless if there's another man involved.

You read it, you're going to have an "Ahhhaa" moment!

Orginally posted by RoosterDAR.

http://www.womensinfidelity.com/index.html#home

March 24, 2007

For now I have to figure out what to do next. WTF do you do? Go live on your friends' couches? Go rent a place to myself?

Yup... yah gotta do what yah gotta do.

I did it... both.. pretty much... but I rented a room in a friends house for about a month.. when I first moved out.... it sucks.. big time.. but.. life can throw you a sh*tty hand sometimes... So go clean off your hands.. and get going.

I'm leaving town for a week though for a trip we were supposed to go on together to CA to visit friends. I guess that is a start.

Great idea,, Change of scenery... very therapeutic.. just don't sit around with your friends talking about her... big mistake... drives you and your friends nuts in the end..

You are going to go through some tough times ahead... this takes time..k

But ... you know you will be OK!

Have fun on your trip... Cal is nice place to visit... where you going??

ilmw

March 24, 2007

BTW... that is the first time I have quoted like that... Been here since June... and just figured it out....

Its amazing what a little sleep deprivation can do for you.....:laugh::laugh:

Its 7:37am... and its my bed time.. night..ummm I mean, day.. all

ilmw

March 24, 2007

I'll play the devil's advocate a bit here.

Have you become lazy and neglectful in your marriage? It is pretty common and probably the number one thing that women complain about.

Don't be a doormat to her but think about if you have been taking her for granted.

As for the going out and getting kills, it is a bit humorous. Women don't go out and brag about how many men we can lay because we know we can get laid 5 times a day if we want because reality is we DO have the goods!

The reason men go out and brag about how many women they can bang is because it isn't as easy for men to get sex as it is for a woman. A man has to convince a woman. Men are easy, they don't have to be convinced.

So while you are proving she isn't the only game in town, remember she can go out and get laid anywhere anytime and prove you aren't the only game in town.

March 26, 2007

are you playing the devil's advocate or playing the DEVIL? sounds like you're missing a SOUL.

April 11, 2007

Dear Geneboy, please don't be down on yourself. The words are harsh but it is because you are too in it to see what the situation is.

I have no advice, but I will tell you exactly what she is thinking, I was her once before. Guys, please don't take what I'm saying as an excuse to treat women badly or say "they don't want a nice guy". The chemistry was not right for me, but I loved his loyalty and he was my best friend.

He would write me notes, make me lunch, everything was about me. Unfortunately for him, that was true about me too. I did not do anything more than just show up, he would always be good to me without me ever earning it. I am not like that anymore, but hey don't cry in your milk about it if you go out with the younger ladies, that tends to be the reality. Everyone is selfish when they are younger, most stay that way until a rude awakening comes their way.

So I developed a crush on a classmate, I thought the classmate and I had a chance. I told my BF I wanted to break up, it broke him. It was hard for me because I wanted to keep him as a friend but explore dating with other men. I thought it was a cherry garden out there. Little did I know how wrong I was.

But I told him I wasn't sure, just like your wife. He begged me to come back to him, because literally nothing happened between me and the classmate, I went back to him. I ended up breaking up with him a few years later. I don't think I would have went back to him if he had not been so available and if things had worked out with this other guy.

The lesson-she is putting her feelers out, and she may come back to you only if things don't materialize with another somewhere down the road.

I often wished my (now ex) had not been willing to want me back. He should have asked for more from me, or been willing to walk. When he stopped giving 100% the relationship fell apart because it was all about him giving to me.

She is keeping the door open with you in case, but guaranteed-she won't be back if she finds another.

Don't be her second choice, her fall guy. I did not do all of that consciously, I was not aware that is what I was doing, that is what happens when you are with a selfish person.

If I may offer-in the future you should be aware that you may be attracted to this type all over again. I'm sure it made you feel wanted and needed that you were able to meet her needs.

A relationship won't work unless you learn to step back and ask yourself if you are getting as much as you are giving the next time....if not...give less.

Never let your partner think you will give unconditionally. I did not learn until I was on the receiving end of that from another person.

Unfortunately, the dynamics won't change with her.

Set her free, and don't count on her coming back. You will meet someone else. I promise.

April 11, 2007

Great post squeak, pretty much hits the target. Sometimes the selfishness goes on and on with someone. I know my STBXW is 37 and is STILL that selfish person who only knows one way to live. Everything is all about her. Every problem comes from somewhere or someone else. Wanting that special 'in love' feeling to last forever and forgetting that the best relationship is when you're with your best frined forever. That super special new love feeling is the love and sex drug in the beginning of a relationship. Like the new car smell it wears off then you have to maintain the thing and put in extra effort for a while when the bad times come which they always do.

I see my exes past and realize that she what they call a serial monogamist. Soon as the magic wears off it's time to pack up and trade in the old relationship for a shiny new one. Round and round it goes. There is a sever year cycle that the old 'itch' adage just fits too well.

I met one guy while I was still in the hoping to work in out stage who said.

" Did you get your pretty good seven years?"

" Fine, move on and find the next seven."

April 13, 2007

Thanks sumdude!

April 20, 2007

Thanks for all the posts!

I think you may be on the right track. I've been off here fore a few weeks, but I am seriously considering leaving this relationship now. She says repeatedly that she is waiting for me to make the decision. She says she has no interest in sex, yet we had an encounter a few weeks ago (she initiated it), and that it might not come back for her. She is trying to get in with a therapist soon to talk about these issues. Basically she said this has been going on in her head a while and that she feels she married her best friend and that sex feels like she's with a "family member." According to her and her family, she does this with every relationship and hits this wall where she breaks up and moves on to the next person. She says she loves me and doesn't have the strength to leave and that decision is on me! WTF!

She says she feels guilty every day and she doesn't want to be the "executioner". Sounds like she is constantly having 2nd thoughts either way and wants me to decide so she can blame me or walk away from the situation knowing that I left her. That is BULL.

We have been getting along great. Doing lots of things, we went to CA wine country on vacation, and enjoy each others' company and act very intimate. Yet, no sex since last month.

Should I wait nd let her get help and see what happens or should I just leave?

I know she is not seeing anyone or cheating on the side. I used a keylogger and got into her email. There is email chatter about the situation and "how things need to change" and how she's been pursuing "separation." But, there is no indication that there are plans to spend time with any other guys. Also no new phone numbers or texts are popping up. Her time away from me is very short, so she wouldn't have time to cheat She may be planning it though. She spends a lot of time with these new people at work and I haven't been invited along until tonight.

I am hurt and sad, but I know I might have to leave her and move on with my life. I have contemplated just leaving and going to friends' places or family to stay for a while and just leave her be and see what happens. When I disappear, she misses me and gets "closer" to me when I return. When things are good she loves me again and talks about how she shouldn't be "throwing things away" or thinking "the grass is greener". But when sex comes up, BOOM things get ugly. And if u read my previous posts, she has sexual issues. She was abused on vacation by a stranger posing as a cop in Central America and she has issues with sex stemming from hearing her parents having sex when a young girl. I think she has an aversion to sex but hasn't gotten any help. I have asked her to the point of her getting angry to seek out help for her sex issues, anger, and depression (not to mention alcohol and her stopping taking her zoloft). We also fight when she's had only a few drinks too.

Do I wait and let her get help for a while and just avoid sex to see what happens? I can wait a little while longer, but how long should I let it go up and down? I've been working on ME a lot, and after 1 good month, we are getting bad again and I am getting lost in her yo-yo-ing emotional roller coaster. It seems she is only happy when we are constantly on the go and having a good time. When house responsibilities or LIFE comes up she goes sour.

Is this any way for me to live? I have a lot to offer and there is probably someone out there better for me. I am afraid to leave this relationship too soon though without giving it more time to see what happens.

Damn, I know I am gonna get some tough love from this reply...

May 11, 2007

All,

Once again, thanks for all the posts. I value your thoughts and criticism.

Been away a bit. Not much has changed. My wife and I are getting along and doing lots of things as a couple and being the cute married couple. She's even included me into her social circles and I've met all the guys who I've wondered about her interactions with. I have NOTHING to worry about. They are CHUMPS compared to me!!! There are no affairs brewing or happening. I have been an excellent detective with this.

In the sex category, there is NOTHING and according to her (yes I tried to initiate and got shot down) she's not sure when or if it's going to change for her. She said nothing has changed. Yet, I still get affection, "I love yous", and other typical relationshippy stuff. Back to "I love you, but I don't LOVE you". She finds me attractive and a great husband and yet she has no interest in sex. As stated before, we do thing and plan and work together but she has no interest in physical love right now.

I enjoy and need the sex (MY needs) and it has been an issue with us for the past 4 years together. We always seemed to clash about this. We went from 1-2x a week (initially) to maybe 1x a month or less now. Now looking like maybe never. I've resorted to self-gratification as if I am single and I've even started flirting with women and going down the slope of emotional affairs in a way. She said she'd understand if something happened and I were to stray but she never would encourage me to do it. I see her dressing nice and taking care of herself (I do too, mind you) and all I want to do is be intimate with her and it kills me not to!

At home I walk on eggshells, her depression/anger is awful and she says over and over that she is going to get help (yeah right) and she says that she's toning down her drinking (a little, maybe). I have seen her improve a little. I do a lot around the house and she does little. She's trying to help, but I know where all the effort is.

Basically, I have a somewhat happy married life (usually) yet we have NO sex. I've read posts here and I see people in the same boat. I'm glad I am not alone. I am in therapy and she is not. Part of me wants to leave and part of me wants to run away and find the girl who is waiting for me out there. I want her to get help. The more I try to control the issue, the more she runs. Basically, if I say or push too much, I am overbearing and she runs. If I keep quiet and ignore things life goes on much the same and I feel dead and lonely inside.

She said she gave me the option to separate and it was MY choice to stay. She feels guilty and sad about her feelings and says that it's going to be a sexless marriage unless her feelings change.

Now, she is going to work part time and get a 2nd BS. So NOW, we will be in a financial crunch. If I go, she wil be screwed and she may try to weasel money out of me. She says she never would do tha, but the lawyers /family may make her think otherwise. I will be making 4x what she will be making and her education will be partly paid by my job. If I stay there will be NO screwing for me. LOL!

Do I stay in a sexless marriage in hopes that it will change with time? Do I work on me and leave her be and hope that the love returns? Do I stay with her because she really is my best friend and we have the best time together yet we have no sex? Is a friendship marriage worth it?

I'm getting confused once again and I feel really empty inside. Have people come back from the land of platonic love in marriage without destroying themselves?

Any thoughts?

May 11, 2007

When I was going through this ~ I asked the then wife: "Don't you remember when sex was great?!" To which she replied, "Yea! But I wasn't married to those guys!" (She didn't really say it, just something I made up to stress my point)

Your suffering from familiarity ~ call the lawyers, file the papers, move on! At this point ~ you're just a meal ticket. You deserve more out of life.

Of course, when you're all wrapped up in the arms of another woman ~ the DW will be nuts for you again! Weird how it works ~ but hey? I didn't write the rules?

May 11, 2007

I don't see this getting better, Gene. Your wife has said in no uncertain terms that she's NOT willing to work on it and she's NOT going to make any changes. What she does seem willing to do though is to let you financially support her silly ass while she goes back for more higher education.

Cut your losses, brother.

She's told you CLEARLY that she doesn't want to be a wife to you. Make a clean break and go find yourself a woman who does. Think of it like this... the woman you're chained to right now, is in your future wife's way. You're only 33. If you don't make changes now... you'll still be living like this when you're 43, and 53, and 63....

May 11, 2007

I agree with you LJ. I lived a very similar life for 25 years of marriage. In my case, sex wasn't the problem (see enjoyed her orgasms), intimacy and positive reinforcment were. In my case, positive reinforcement is the most important thing.

I remember my most successful business day. Went to work one morning just like any other. Came home with flowers, See's candy, a bottle of wine, and a 7 day Mexico cruise. I cleared 86,000 that day after taxes, out of the blue. An established client walked into my office with a check and bought the whole office building (six floors) that he had been leasing a single floor of. My commission was marvelous. Mind you that was 1986 dollars, easily a quarter million today. That was more than I had ever earned in a year, or since, inflation adjusted. Slam Bam.

What was my ex's response? She was unhappy about the cruise. Afraid of becoming seasick, she would have preferred a down payment on a new car. We didn't have the celebration I had hoped for, we just put the flowers in a vase, went out to Denny's for dinner with the kids, and ate the chocolate when we got home. No congratulations, No dancing around the living room, No hugs and celebratory kisses. We ended up cancelling the cruise, and she bought a new dining room set from Ethan Allen (she still has it!).

She NEVER changed. Of course, I wasn't aware of her LTR with her high school BF, I'm sure that colored everything she did in the last 24 years of our marriage.

May 11, 2007

I remember my most successful business day. Went to work one morning just like any other. Came home with flowers, See's candy, a bottle of wine, and a 7 day Mexico cruise. I cleared 86,000 that day after taxes, out of the blue. An established client walked into my office with a check and bought the whole office building (six floors) that he had been leasing a single floor of. My commission was marvelous. Mind you that was 1986 dollars, easily a quarter million today. That was more than I had ever earned in a year, or since, inflation adjusted. Slam Bam.

What was my ex's response? She was unhappy about the cruise. Afraid of becoming seasick, she would have preferred a down payment on a new car. We didn't have the celebration I had hoped for, we just put the flowers in a vase, went out to Denny's for dinner with the kids, and ate the chocolate when we got home. No congratulations, No dancing around the living room, No hugs and celebratory kisses. We ended up cancelling the cruise, and she bought a new dining room set from Ethan Allen (she still has it!).

Damn. That's just sad.

It's hard to imagine how self-centered some people can be. How can a person become so incredibly self-involved they can't see they're crushing their partner's spirit?

I mean, we see it all the time, but it's just so hard to imagine living your life that way.

It must be a pretty miserable existence though. Life tends to reflect our own mirror image back to us. Smiles beget smiles. Misery begets misery. And yet people like that never seem to wise up and catch on.

Go figure.

May 11, 2007

Thanks for the quick posts gang.

I understand what you are saying. It's been a few months and it's not getting better. She keeps saying that "it might change, I don't know" and thanks me for being so "understanding and patient" and that "I am the best thing that ever happened to her" and that "she hopes things will get easier for us with time". I guess I get caught wondering if things will change a for us. Hey, at least I am out of the blaming myself category now.

I don't want to throw it away yet, but she isn't trying to work on her things. Sex and her depression really are the main issue. She loves me, she just doesn't desire the sex right now. She's not going out looking for it or spending lots of time away from me. She flat out said, if there were someone, I would tell you. She's always been shy and weird about sex, seeing sex, talking about sex, etc... Like I said, we cuddle, kiss, hold hands, say our "I love yous", etc, but when sex comes to play, it gets bad and we fight.

As a last attempt before I go talk to a lawyer. I want her to go get some help. She has a recommendation to a psychiatrist and she said 2 days ago she'd call. I'd like to see if she's got a hormone imbalance or some other biochemical reason for this crap.

I know everything feels "familiar" and I am basically scared to go because I am afraid of what I am losing. But then again, I will be missing out on a almost completely happy marriage and normal sex life if I stay with her. If I stay I can have a somewhat happy life married to someone who is my best friend and never be able to touch her again unless she deals with her crap.

If it was over, wouldn't she just throw me out? Is there a reason she's going back and forth when I know there is no one for her to be cheating on me with.

May 12, 2007

I dont condone cheating but If you ask your wife if you could have a jump-off on the side than is that still wrong. She even says that she wouldnt blame you if you left, why should any man or woman be put through a sexless marriage for years on out, and you know what the funny thing is if she ends it, then she'll blame you anyway for her faults and insecurities. I dont think she would blame you from walking away from the marriage.

A sexless marriage is a lifeless marriage.

You can always bring the passion into a passionless one but when one partner's asexual, what the hell is the point?!?

Leave, or seperate. Let her find something with someone else. If your needs arent being met there's no need to matyr yourself for her. You've been a good husband, luckily she'll accept that the fault never lied with you.

May 12, 2007

My wife found out that I had asked a coworker of hers about the men she worked with and if there wereany threats to our marriage because of that. I spoke with this person out of desperation and she promised me she understood why and would keep quiet. Well, she didn't...

My wife was furious. She took off her rings, said she was through, and that she hasn't loved me since before we were married. I know she said a lot of things out of spite. She left for her folks shortly after 10:30 last nite. She said she wanted out and she wanted me to have my stuff out of here in a few weeks and to move on with our lives separately. She was a little drunk and kept saying "for now" after everything. I feel awful that things played out this way but I did what I felt was right. She said she'd been having feelings for others for the last few months and this end was bound to happen someday anyway.

Why do I still love her and want to work it out when I know that it's best for me to end this now and find the one who is right for me? It's all so overwhelming to know that this is probably the beginning of the end and a start of a new chapter in my life. I'm terrified right now.

She told me that we should divorce but she wants me to agree to help her with her education by allowing her to use my university tuition benefits. That would be like being married on paper for the next 2 years! That is bullsh$%! I think she was talking out of her head last night.

If I stayed in this, she'd be using me and I'd have a miserable, loveless, sexless void of a marriage. By moving on, I lose the dead weight that's been dragging me down. There's hope in life after this, but I feel like someone has died right now and I feel horrible. We have 3 dogs and she says I am not taking even 1. She can't even take care of them!

This woman is nuts and I've been putting up with an angry, depressed drunk for the past 4.5 years and letting her control my life. She never had ny intention of working out her issues and the issues in our marriage. All I get is lip service and then she relapses into a drinking binge or an angry outburst.

This was bound to end this way sooner or later. I guess I should just get things underway and just move on. There are going to be sooo many things to untangle and lots of financial issues for us to split up/figure out. I don't even know where to begin. I'm a wreck today and I leave for a training trip tomorrow.

Any words of advice?

May 12, 2007

Any words of advice?

Try this... make yourself TWO lists. On the first one, write down all of your emotional needs that are fulfilled by your wife as a person and individual.

On the second list, write down all of your emotional needs that are fulfilled by the relationship and lifestyle.

When you get done, I think you're gonna see some things in greater clarity.

Then... you can go and tell your STBX that she can 'sh*t in one hand and wish in the other' regarding those tuition benefits.

May 12, 2007

There's a lag in your posting time, Gene. If you "confirm" your membership (answer the email you were sent by LS upon registration)... your posts should start logging right on.

May 12, 2007

Can't find my original email to confirm my account. How else can I set that up so they post faster?

Wife is home. Wants to separate. Not sure if her mind is gonna change at all. She's ready to begin a new life and wants me to do the same and think about what I want. Says time apart (at folks' house) may change her mind (unlikely, IMO). She feels nothing romantic for me and it's been like that. She cares for me and doesn't want to lose me from her life. She's sad and hurting but she says (and I am in agreement) that we can't go on in a marriage that is not fueled by love anymore and that all we are doing is ignoring the "big elephant" in the room.

I feel like my heart is being ripped out and I wish I could fast forward to the next chapter when this is all over. I am gonna stay in the house (we are renting it from her family) and she is going to stay with them. We will see each other and stay in contact daily but she needs some time to think about the situation she says and decide if this is going to be permanent.

In the meantime, I will stay here (walking dist from work) and work on me and try to better myself and distance myself from her a while. I guess during this time I will evaulate my finances and begin looking for new lodging and buy a house on my own when the dust settles.

I really don't think she's gonna come back if we separate. I think this is gonna be it. She wants no benefits from me if we divorce. We will settle out of court and split up as adults. There's no reason to make this messy I suppose. She says she wont take any $$$ from me,but we live in PA. I think if we settle pre-divorce I will be OK. I am a little scared though since I make 4x what she does now.

What if in a few weeks she decides she wants the life and love with me? I highly doubt it, but what if? She seems to be confused too, like she is chosing between being with her best friend and starting over as a single and being a "serial monogomist" again. She's gonna rinse and repeat this same cycle over and over again with the next guy and the next guy...

Why do I feel so terrible and confused right now? Why do I feel like crying and begging her to reconsider? What's wrong with me when I know that at the end of this, I am going to be happier and I will find someone else? I feel like by best friend up and died and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.

May 12, 2007

So what the hell happened? did she have an emotional affair or did she really cheat. She overeacted and something happened and she was busted. Stay in your damn house!!! do not move, do not finance her education, do not finance any affair she might have. Legally kick her out of your place, get her name off the mortgage and the deed.

It's time you divorced this crazy chick. imagine if she came at you with a knife or something. She's upset cause you just ruined it for her. I hope that when she threw the wedding rings at you, you kept them! do not give them back!

She doesnt deserve to wear them.

May 13, 2007

Whew. Long day.

Just got back from dinner with my family and STBXW. We acted like the good ole married couple and like nothing is wrong. I'm sure my Italian mother picked up the vibe that something is not right though and I'll get the "I KNEW IT" speech soon from her next time we talk...

Oh, Barracuda, she hasn't physically cheated as far as I know. If she did, I missed that somehow. I have keylogged the PC and checked her phone logs and there is nothing out of the ordinary as far as I see in emails and such. I saw flirty emails and dudes asking her to meet for beers though. Red flag to me. That's why I started not trusting her. She may be in the planning stage or setting the time frame for the next guy though. Every time she has went out she's said that she doesn't want me to worry she's not going guy shopping. She's not a cheater per se, she's a "rinse and repeat" type. Dump and move on, you know... I do kinda think I busted her though by calling the friend. She must have been up to something. I can't say I am mad at the friend, this relationship is sinking regardless. But I am still riding it out for now and I can't answer why...

Wife was acting normal at dinner and we're kinda acting like a couple or roomie couple with no sex. We're back and she stepped out for a minute. She's still gonna live on her own a bit with her folks as stated before. Sep, but not "legally" she says. Divorce is a ways a way she says. I got the "it might change, I don't know" and "I don't know if I can put up with 30 years of not wanting intimacy even though I care for you" stuff. You're my best friend, I care for you, blah blah, but I wanna screw other people so I have to get you out of the way first to do it... She's pretty conflicted. I kinda say though, lady if that's what you want then f^%#ing GO and let me move on! See now I am starting to feel that she wants her "cake and eat it too" is coming up. She has had EMOTIONAL affairs and thought about what OM might be like in relationships vs me and now she probably wants to "test the waters" before we legally break up. I've tried to stay low key, but my freaking emotions are getting in the way again. I'm thinking about all the reasons I love her which are MAINLY because I enjoy being with her and I am USED to being with her now and MISS the intimacy we had (coincidentally) before she started her new job. What I NEED is to realize that she don't love me, won't work on the marriage, and just move on.

I don't have the cash to rent another place right now. I could ask my folks/friends for a little cash I guess. We have one car and 3 dogs which complicate the mix. She said I can take the 2 little ones now, but we have to "switch" off if we get divorced. Yeah great. Come get your dogs, meet my new boyfriend (#1, #2, #3) followed by an "I want you back" speech to f#$k me up every few months. I'd take 2 dogs and a clean break anyday, but it's gonna be messy. We're living in her folks' property and renting it. She is letting me stay here and staying with them until she can decide what to do. Whatever. I think she'd buying time to shop around and plan her exit. That's what I should do though, she's been planning this for a while...

I am going to talk to a lawyer and figure out what to do in the meantime and work on me. If she were to say "I want to work it out and I want to put 150% effort into our marriage" after a break I MIGHT consider taking her back. I can't deal with this s#$t any longer to be honest and why should I? I am now considering dating during this "break" we are having. See my other thread or tell me what u think of that here.

That's it for now.

May 20, 2007

All,

Thanks for all of your support and kind (as well as critical) words.

Here's where I am at right now, FREE AT LAST!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went away last week for training and my eyes were finally opened. I decided that I had enough of this game and it's truly an unrepairable marriage. I am ready to move on. I had a conversation with a BEAUTIFUL 41 year old woman in the same boat as me on the plane. She had an abusive, controlling hubby and she's getting out. Her advice was the same as yours, time to cut the losses and move on. I also tried out my confidence at a bar one night and spent the evening chatting up a really pretty girl, who I am SURE would have enjoyed more than an evening of good conversation with me.

So, what I am saying is I told STBX wife that I am DONE with this and it's time we both move forward with separation and then speedily to divorce. When this is all said and done and the ink is dry, my life is going to be much, much better. I've mourned the "death" of the woman I loved and married for far too long, I am past anger and headed towards freedom and rebirth as a bachelor.

I am looking at a nice place 2nite and talking to lawyer tomorrow in the AM. We are separating bank accounts to prevent her from spending my money. We had some quarrels about her financial situation and she is going to have to go back to full time work in 1 week (already planned it with her boss) and no school plans are now in sight for her. She lost out on all the things she wanted because she refused to work out her issues within our marriage. I have done all I can and now it's my turn to control my life again. Frankly, she screwed herself. I am offering her some financial support to help her with some debts that she accrued for/with me. She is willing to sign off on that and not come after me for more. PA is an alimony state and really she can't get much out of this. We own nothing and have no savings or kids. This should be an easy divorce. It got messy, but she calmed down once she got her full-time job back in line. I'm not trying to screw her over and she swears she won't do that to me. We will be seeing ONE attorney to file a sep agreement which will become our agreement for filing divorce ASAP. I will get all the details tomorrow and make sure things go smoothly.

If I had my choice, she should get nothing, but I will help her pay off a credit card or two since they contain items we bought together and things we did together. I make 2x what she makes and this won't hurt me too much to do this. I'd rather settle than have her go crazy and make us go to court.

I get the car, my sweet PC, my HDTV and all the expensive toys. She will stay in the home we are renting from her folks and basically live for free. We are separating like adults and have a plan. I just have to make sure we sign on these things before she gets any new ideas. There's really no reason this shouldn't be easy. I'll have to get my own furniture for the most part, but who cares. Time to make new memories in an untainted bed! She can have the old stuff and all the guilt of that.

I am NOT taking her back unless she gets some help and truly offers her whole being to this marriage. I don't think she has the capacity to do that because she is too selfish and childish. I go through waves of sadness and anxiety, but this truly is for the best. I will be moving out as soon as I can and try to get all my ducks in a row ASAP. I know she will probably call me in a month or so after and be sad and lonely and say "it's a mistake" but honestly, I am through with her silliness. I have had a huge boat anchor dragging me down and creating a void in my life. I've shut out loved ones and friends and played second fiddle to her whims and now I am done.

Thank you all for your help and encouragement through the last few months. So many of us are in the same situation, and it helps to know you are not alone in this world. Sometimes some of the best advice is found from some anonymous 3rd party like here.

So, any advice as I turn the page to the next chapter? Am I thinking straight with my plans? Am I being fair or too accomodating?

May 21, 2007

So, any advice as I turn the page to the next chapter? Am I thinking straight with my plans? Am I being fair or too accomodating?

In the end only you can answer that question. So take your time making these decisions, especially before they end up on a signed document.

May 21, 2007

Bro I feel for you. You need to stop worrying about her which is very hard to do. You give what you can to ease your conscience but your STBX needs to learn on her own. She is the one that wanted this eventhough she did not make the final decision. It was the same thing in my relationship. She only wanted separation so she can enjoy the financial rewards of being married yet explore what's out there. That was not acceptable and now she is learning the hard way. I pity her but that's the reality of her choices. The hardest part for me was the acceptance that this world that we built is now gone. As well as letting go. You will get past it and move on to better and bigger things. Like what you said. Work on yourself and the rest will come easy. I hope you the best and will look forward to your progress. Remember you are not alone.

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