single women/men in their late forties and fifties

[marlena]

Do you feel despair at yet another relationship gone wrong? Are you desperate to be in a relationship? Do you settle for less because of this insecurity? Are you lonely? Do you feel the void at times so excruciatingly unbearble? Do you fear growing old alone without love and companionship? Am I the only one that panics when I think of this? Or are some of you Ok with being uncoupled at this age? Would appreciate replies as I am going through a major crisis!

[amaysngrace]

It sounds like mid-life crisis to me.

 

I'm in my 30s and I don't think I'd ever get so hung up on being alone. But maybe I will in time, who's to say?

 

What's your story? Are you coming out of a long relationship? Have you ever been married? Any friends (female or male) that you go out with regularly?

[justagirlforever]

What's your story? Are you coming out of a long relationship? Have you ever been married? Any friends (female or male) that you go out with regularly?

 

All 12 pages of Marlena's story here

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=112889

 

Marlena - is this the first time in your life you feel like this then? Have you before always felt comfortable with yourself and being single?

[marlena]

Thanks Amaysngrace

I'm in my earlt fifties and look eight years younger so they say! I was in an abusive marriage for fiften years. A beautiful daughter came out of that union..After my divorce I was involved with a MM for five years that ended me in the shrinks office!! Then, I lost both parents.. Started dating two years later, and it's been one disappointment after another. I have lots of good friends - we have a little bit of a club going on here- we travel and are very much into cultural events in our city -- they are old and tested friends....plus I have three sisters who are very supportive!!! I have a good job and a nice home!!! So you ask, what is lacking!!! The love of a good and decent man ...I need it like a withered plant needs water!

[marlena]

All 12 pages of Marlena's story here

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=112889

 

Marlena - is this the first time in your life you feel like this then? Have you before always felt comfortable with yourself and being single?

 

Hi dear friend,

Nice to see you again.. To answer your question the only time I felt really happy being single was the five years after my divorce. It was so shipwrecked I had no wish to jump on board again. But of course, my female nature finally had the last word and the need kept growing inside me until I absolutely had to feel loved and touched again. This led to a major mistake in my life ...Most of my friends are single...widowed,divorced or never been married and have been without partners for years..They go globe trotting and don't miss a single cultural event in town..always active with many interests...many times I follow ...they do not take risks in the heart department ...I'm not like that...I feel incomplete without a man to share my life with ..I don't want to wind up being like them ...some are bitter and some have just given up looking for substitutes..it scares me that one day I will be just like that...Really it does...

[justagirlforever]

So you ask, what is lacking!!!

Marlena, I think Rio's given you some excellent and very indepth advice on your other thread. And it sounds like you have a fair bit to resolve with yourself. Not look for what you want and need in someone else. That will almost certainly lead to a sense of failure if/when that relationship doesn't work. And that which you thought you found, leaves your life again. Not an easy or quick process. Best of luck

[amaysngrace]

I think somehow you are sending out a 'desperation' vibe. If you're desperate to be in a relationship, men can pick up on that. Most strong men wouldn't bother with you but you can end up attracting the weakest of the male species that way.

[marlena]

Marlena, I think Rio's given you some excellent and very indepth advice on your other thread. And it sounds like you have a fair bit to resolve with yourself. Not look for what you want and need in someone else. That will almost certainly lead to a sense of failure if/when that relationship doesn't work. And that which you thought you found, leaves your life again. Not an easy or quick process. Best of luck

 

Yes, Rio's insight is incredible, I know! She has the gift of rare perception! I have printed her posts and have re-read them many times in the hopes that I will hear the roll of that drum!!! I listen but the sound is yet to reach my ears! But honestly isn't sharing one's life with a decent man an essential prerequisite to one's happiness? Am I the only one to think this way? Can one truly experience fulfillment in the grand scheme of things without the true gift of love? Am I wrong to be seeking this? Should I just surrender to the void that constantly digs a larger hole in me? Is it after all so wrong to seek love?

[marlena]

I think somehow you are sending out a 'desperation' vibe. If you're desperate to be in a relationship, men can pick up on that. Most strong men wouldn't bother with you but you can end up attracting the weakest of the male species that way.

 

 

The weakest or slimiest, you are so right!!! They too have a male instinct working on their behalf .... I suppose you are right!!! I will give your insight a lot of thought, for sure....It would explain why I always attract the wrong type of man ..the man I least want to connect with...Thanks amaysngrace!

[justagirlforever]

I understand I think I've long resigned myself to possibly grow old a spinster with my cats on my lap (and I'm 34 now)! No, really I do understand though. There comes a time when you want to receive love and physical affection as well as give - despite being happy and content within yourself. But I'm very sure there is someone out there who could be that for you and you for him. It's finding that person. And knowing what to look for. And not just resigning yourself to "make do" and accept second best, just because you don't deem yourself worthy of "the best". The best doesn't mean perfect. But the best for you.

 

Have you tried and made the effort to participate and enjoy some hobbies and activities where you might meet some like-minded people with similar interests., outlook on life and values?

[alphamale]

I understand I think I've long resigned myself to possibly grow old a spinster with my cats on my lap (and I'm 34 now)!

I find it hard to believe that such a pretty girl like you would be resigned to that fate...

[justagirlforever]

I find it hard to believe that such a pretty girl like you would be resigned to that fate...

thanks that's very (erm) sweet of you lol

 

Hey, I just realised I made my own day! I'm actually 33 and not 34. Geez, how did I get that wrong?!

[marlena]

I understand I think I've long resigned myself to possibly grow old a spinster with my cats on my lap (and I'm 34 now)! No, really I do understand though. There comes a time when you want to receive love and physical affection as well as give - despite being happy and content within yourself. But I'm very sure there is someone out there who could be that for you and you for him. It's finding that person. And knowing what to look for. And not just resigning yourself to "make do" and accept second best, just because you don't deem yourself worthy of "the best". The best doesn't mean perfect. But the best for you.

 

Have you tried and made the effort to participate and enjoy some hobbies and activities where you might meet some like-minded people with similar interests., outlook on life and values?

 

At 34 life's prospects and treasures (in hindsight of course) had just begun to unfold! If someone as young and as beautiful as you are can make a statement like that, then, what kind of hope can do we dotty old fifty year olds hold out for ? Sweetie, time is on your side (not to mention your looks and amazing character)! I've just spent the last 15 minutes reading your posts and have been utterly impressed by your fortitude and kindness of heart! If only the world were peopled with more human beings like you!!! I feel humbled that one so much younger than myself can impart so much wisdom to an old fogey like myself! You could be my daughter..one I would be very proud to have!!!

[marlena]

I also had an eye - opening trip like the one you described in your post. For me it was through war - torn Yugoslavia this summer... Bosnia especially....I am looking forward to my trip to Spain in two weeks...and hopefully a more distant

[marlena]

travels this summer!!! I admire you!! I used to say this to my daughter when she was little .. I still do!!!

[RichC]

I am 46 going through a divorce after 15 years of marriage. All I say is my perspective. You have to be comfortable with you before getting into relationships. I have know more than a few 40-50 year olds that attracted people effortlessly because of positive attitude and a zest for life. I have to take time off from relationships to get to know myself a little better after 15 year of marriage. A positive oulook is essential and knowing and accepting who you are. After that all things are possible.

[justagirlforever]

I've just spent the last 15 minutes reading your posts and have been utterly impressed by your fortitude and kindness of heart! If only the world were peopled with more human beings like you!!!

Thank you Marlena - that is very kind of you . I continue to learn so much about myself all the time - as a result of interaction with others. But the more I learn about myself, the more I understand the world around me. And what I know about myself know, would have startled me when I was 10 years younger. So I can only wonder what treasures life holds for me when I'm older.

Would I feel like an idiot then for thinking the things I think & say now? I had so much innocence (or is that ignorance) of life. Would I think the same again 10 years from now?

But then one day realised, if I don't open my eyes and keep up with life, it carries on and leaves me behind. So carry on we must and if we do, we might as well do that in the best way possible while we have the chance.

 

I was always surrounded by much older company and my mothers friends were my friends too. Of course I had some younger friends of my own age too, but I never did the teen night club thing, wild drunken parties, drugs etc. I never set foot in a bar or club until I was well into my twenties! though that was purely my own choice - because my wildchild sister did all that and got away with it. So in some ways, had a much older mentality than many or most of my peers at the time.

 

But anyway, I do think and hope I can look back at this 10 or twenty years from now and feel that I wasn't too far off the mark (in my outlook on life).

And still feel positive and look at life realistically optimistic. But I have so much to learn still.

 

I do hope you find what you're looking for

(and ps: you're not an old fogey!)

[Gunny376]

I'll be 50 next month, and I'm not going to be so asinine as to say that I’ll never get married again, but doing so and finding another wife isn’t a top priority in and of my life.

 

I’ve only been married once, and now that I’m out of the child support ~ rearing business, I’m in no hurry to get back into it ~ especially someone’s else’s children. Been there, done that.

 

I’ve found that Life is 99% of what happens to you , and 1% of what you do about it. A lot of that depends on perspective, ~ how you look at things. The old the glass is half empty or half full.

 

This business of getting and being old and alone ~ well to me that’s all relative. Someone could meet the absolute love of their life, marry them, have and raise a family with them over the course of 40 plus years, and still end up old and alone ~ the nursing homes are full of them. Especially women.

 

The key? To structure and live a self fulfilling life ~ that’s not dependent upon anyone or any one thing in life ~ a lesson we all needed to learn early on!

 

I haven’t a problem with commitment ~ my problem is with there being so many women who you commit to and spend X amount of years with and then one morning they wake up and tell you they love you but they’re not in love with you.

 

It use to be enough that if you had a good job, worked hard, didn’t lay out with the guys, came home every night, didn’t beat your wife, didn’t run around on her, didn’t spend all your money gambling, drinking, doing drugs etc. that you were a good husband. But these days, there are so many women when whatever you do, whatever you don’t do, whatever you say or don’t say ~ its never enough. (i.e., ilmw thread over in the divorce/separation forum). So many women are never satisfied and can never be pacified. For the men ~ its just a life of misery.

 

Guys in the late 40's and 50's that are married tell me all the time, "Don’t do it!" or "I wished I’d never re-married" A lot of women ~ at least around this neck of the woods, as soon as they find some joker to marry ~ quit their jobs and want to become "traditional" housewives (a.k.a., lay up on their dead azz, lay in the road all day, spending the guys money at WalMart buying a bunch of useless junk!

 

My Dad who was married to my Mom ~ twice, and who was married to my step-mom for 32 years was very adamant that if I had any sense ~ I would never get married again, and when you tally up all the pluses and minus ~ I’m incline to agree with him. I’m domesticated and I know how to do all the household chores to include cook, (I’m actually a better cook than most women).

 

I’m more inclined toward multiple LTR ~ they last in so long as they last ~ and then when the women starts giving me the "I need more!!" speech ~ time to move on.

 

The thing that women in their 40's and older fail to grasp and comprehend is that not only are there more women than men in this age group ~ there’s a significant shortage of good men who’ve got their act together, mentally, emotionally, financially. (Ditto for a good woman! )

 

The simple truth of the matter is that a good mate, be they a man or woman is like finding a good job! They're out there, trouble is? What good one's there are, the tend to already be taken, those that have them have had them for a good long while, they're planning on keeping them, and you're going to just about have to kill them to get them away from them!

 

Sex? :lmao: Just look at the marriage forum about all the sexless marriages and relationship.

[justagirlforever]

I’ve found that Life is 99% of what happens to you , and 1% of what you do about it. A lot of that depends on perspective, ~ how you look at things.

 

You don't think that life is almost all about what happens to you, because of what you do and how you do it? I think so anyway.

 

You often hear people say: "oh you're so lucky". But I think luck has little to do with real life. Lucky might be winning the lottery, but you're never going to stand a chance winning it if you don't buy that ticket

[marlena]

[quote=justagirlforever;1129653

that is very kind of you . I continue to learn so much about myself all the time - as a result of interaction with others. But the more I learn about myself, the more I understand the world around me. And what I know about myself know, would have startled me when I was 10 years younger. So I can only wonder what treasures life holds for me when I'm older.

 

As we all do dear heart. Life is an ever-ending learning process even as the sun sets it also rises ..with every intaking breath we alter and grow and in the words of my favorite poet "In a minute there is time

For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse". It is indeed " a ball of confusion" but you my wise one are well on the road to unravelling many of life's mysteries". Yes you are mature for your age...

 

 

Would I feel like an idiot then for thinking the things I think & say now? I had so much innocence (or is that ignorance) of life. Would I think the same again 10 years from now?

But then one day realised, if I don't open my eyes and keep up with life, it carries on and leaves me behind. So carry on we must and if we do, we might as well do that in the best way possible while we have the chance.

 

I was always surrounded by much older company and my mothers friends were my friends too. Of course I had some younger friends of my own age too, but I never did the teen night club thing, wild drunken parties, drugs etc. I never set foot in a bar or club until I was well into my twenties! though that was purely my own choice - because my wildchild sister did all that and got away with it. So in some ways, had a much older mentality than many or most of my peers at the time.

 

But anyway, I do think and hope I can look back at this 10 or twenty years from now and feel that I wasn't too far off the mark (in my outlook on life).

And still feel positive and look at life realistically optimistic. But I have so much to learn still.

 

I do hope you find what you're looking for

(and ps: you're not an old fogey!)

 

 

I too have the innocence of my years for in ten years time I am sure I will look back and like you say, "I had so much innocence!". Not such a bad thing at all when coupled with intelligence!!! That's what makes you so special!!!

 

My daughter just like you grew up with my friends who were her friends as well ( I raised her on my own -divorced). She was always mature for her age (today 23) and she gives me the best advice ever just as you do!!! You are indeed a very special young lady!!!

[marlena]

I am 46 going through a divorce after 15 years of marriage. All I say is my perspective. You have to be comfortable with you before getting into relationships. I have know more than a few 40-50 year olds that attracted people effortlessly because of positive attitude and a zest for life. I have to take time off from relationships to get to know myself a little better after 15 year of marriage. A positive oulook is essential and knowing and accepting who you are. After that all things are possible.

 

 

I sympathize.. I know what turmoil it can release in your soul!!! Yes, you are right! After my divorce, I did not start a relationship for seven years!!! I know I may not sound as coming across this way, but I do have a zest for life and a positive attitude!!! It is just a temporary setback as I know yours is!! You sound like you have a good grasp of what is happening to you!

[Ssheena]

I'm 48 almost 49. The longest relationship I have had since my divorce with was 11 years ago just ended - it lasted about a year and a half. I've gone through a lot in since 1995 and learned a lot about myself - made a ton of mistakes too. This relationship that just ended was at times wonderful but it's ended as we just aren't equal (of course, he was 13 years younger than me) among other reasons.

 

So do I feel despair? No. It was a good learning experience and I let myself be loved. Am I desperate to be in a relationship? NO WAY. Am I going to settle for less? No. Settle = make due with NO.

 

I am not lonely. I have two kids, two dogs and 5 cats and friends, a good paying job and a life (plus I'm the captain of two tennis teams). Do I fear growing old without love and companionship? Nope, not at all.

 

I figure I will meet someone when the time is right by continuing to do what I like to do. Whether that's go see movies, go back to school, talk to people at parties, whatever. This last relationship I felt like ended up taking care of him and being "everything" to him and it drove me crazy. I don't want to feel obligated to call or talk to a boyfriend. I want to want to talk to them or see them. I don't want to have to teach someone how to have fun and play (yes, he asked me to).

 

Why the crisis?

 

Worry about global warming more than whether or not you have a man in your life.

[marlena]

I'll be 50 next month, and I'm not going to be so asinine as to say that I’ll never get married again, but doing so and finding another wife isn’t a top priority in and of my life.

 

I’ve only been married once, and now that I’m out of the child support ~ rearing business, I’m in no hurry to get back into it ~ especially someone’s else’s children. Been there, done that.

 

I’ve found that Life is 99% of what happens to you , and 1% of what you do about it. A lot of that depends on perspective, ~ how you look at things. The old the glass is half empty or half full.

 

This business of getting and being old and alone ~ well to me that’s all relative. Someone could meet the absolute love of their life, marry them, have and raise a family with them over the course of 40 plus years, and still end up old and alone ~ the nursing homes are full of them. Especially women.

 

The key? To structure and live a self fulfilling life ~ that’s not dependent upon anyone or any one thing in life ~ a lesson we all needed to learn early on!

 

I haven’t a problem with commitment ~ my problem is with there being so many women who you commit to and spend X amount of years with and then one morning they wake up and tell you they love you but they’re not in love with you.

 

It use to be enough that if you had a good job, worked hard, didn’t lay out with the guys, came home every night, didn’t beat your wife, didn’t run around on her, didn’t spend all your money gambling, drinking, doing drugs etc. that you were a good husband. But these days, there are so many women when whatever you do, whatever you don’t do, whatever you say or don’t say ~ its never enough. (i.e., ilmw thread over in the divorce/separation forum). So many women are never satisfied and can never be pacified. For the men ~ its just a life of misery.

 

Guys in the late 40's and 50's that are married tell me all the time, "Don’t do it!" or "I wished I’d never re-married" A lot of women ~ at least around this neck of the woods, as soon as they find some joker to marry ~ quit their jobs and want to become "traditional" housewives (a.k.a., lay up on their dead azz, lay in the road all day, spending the guys money at WalMart buying a bunch of useless junk!

 

My Dad who was married to my Mom ~ twice, and who was married to my step-mom for 32 years was very adamant that if I had any sense ~ I would never get married again, and when you tally up all the pluses and minus ~ I’m incline to agree with him. I’m domesticated and I know how to do all the household chores to include cook, (I’m actually a better cook than most women).

 

I’m more inclined toward multiple LTR ~ they last in so long as they last ~ and then when the women starts giving me the "I need more!!" speech ~ time to move on.

 

The thing that women in their 40's and older fail to grasp and comprehend is that not only are there more women than men in this age group ~ there’s a significant shortage of good men who’ve got their act together, mentally, emotionally, financially. (Ditto for a good woman! )

 

The simple truth of the matter is that a good mate, be they a man or woman is like finding a good job! They're out there, trouble is? What good one's there are, the tend to already be taken, those that have them have had them for a good long while, they're planning on keeping them, and you're going to just about have to kill them to get them away from them!

 

Sex? :lmao: Just look at the marriage forum about all the sexless marriages and relationship.

 

 

Gunny,

Hi! I was so glad you responded to my post. I have read many of your posts and have always been impressed by them ...the way you have without many frills and fanfares to get right to the crux of the issue whatever that may be.

I agree that remarrying at this age is a step that should very seriously considered. I for my part do not even entertain the idea. Like you said I've been there I've done that! I had 15 years of a miserable marriage. For seven years after that I had no relationship whatsoever and those were the happiest years of my adult life! No, it's not marriage I want but rather a GOOD mate to share the remainde of my life. I am tired of being single now that my daughter is all grown up and lives with her boyfriend in another country! But like you said, here in this neck of the woods, the GOOD ones have already been taken and the leftovers are better trashed than eaten. I have bitterly found this out! So what to do we do dear friend? Accept our fate and go merrily along? I am admittedly getting tired of just being with girlfriends who are in the same boat as myself with the difference being they have given up on male companionship altogether. I miss male companionship. I can't just throw in the towel as they have just yet. So I'm always getting into trouble it seems by taking risks. Each and every time I hope it will be different only to be utterly disappointed in the quality of men that surround me. I don't need much..just someone decent with integrity and looking in the same direction as myself! I run into a brick wall each and every time. My friends say give up. I can't. Still, right this moment, I feel so bruised that I I am thinking I need a respite from all this.. Can't handle the drama at this point ...don't want the drama...just something easy and comforatble and enjoyable... someone who feels right! About the sexless marriages, it's true they abound everywhere. Are we fifty year olds doomed to never share love again? Hope you respond dear friend.

 

P.S. I love your "manning- up" position. So few men do this nowadays. Shifting responsibility is so much easier!!!

Hope you have a nice day.

[alphamale]

one, two, three Marleenas....

[Gunny376]

I'm not obessed with sex, but it is a part of my life, a part of me, my exsistence! I'm not going to deny that!

 

I look at some of the personals on Match.com and Yahoo and I see women talking about to get with them ~ you've got to make $75,OOO a year +! In Alabama? WTF?

 

The Govenor of the State doesn't make that?

 

Me? I do alright! I did something right in my life ~ I sucked it up and dealt with it! I actually screwed up and did something right! I retired from the United States Marine Corps at age 38!

 

My wife left me because she said I was a "work-aholic" better than being an alcoholic, I guess? Because I worked two jobs to provide the best I could for her and my children!

 

Ok! I screwed up ~ in her eyes!

 

FYI~ in my field in the Marine Corps? I was the best World Wide! No brag~just facts! The best commpliment I've ever received? "Where I go ~ YOU GO!" from a Marine Lt.Gen