As The World Freakin Turns!

[serial muse]

I'm starting to feel bad for telling him I wanted to talk last night while his date was in the bathroom, even though I said tomorrow and not right now. What if she got mad and thats why he's soo mad at me? Geez, it isn't like I meant to...it sounds like he thinks I did it on purpose.

 

Hey LL - I know you weren't crazy about my reply before (although I think I was basically saying the same thing as other posters here) so I don't want you to think I'm saying this to frustrate you. But I really don't think that he's mad at you because of her or anything else. I honestly don't think she has anything to do with it.

 

The undercurrent I get from your story is that he knows perfectly well you're into him and sure, he likes it, most of the time, both because he likes you, but also because it's flattering and he can take advantage of it. He may even have toyed with the idea of acting on it again, as he did in the past. But he's not so into you or anyone else right now that he's going to change his ways, and that's why I said it's best for you to move out and get on with your life.

 

I think if he was annoyed with you, it's because he sensed the possibility that drama was looming and he didn't like it. I do think that telling him you want to talk to him while he's in the middle of a date is kind of attention-seeking and suggests that it's not casual, and it's possible he thought the same.

 

That's not to say you cause all the drama in your relationship with this guy, but it is to say that I suspect he likes to be in charge of the drama. And I also agree that leaving his 14-year-old kids home alone when he doesn't even see them all the time is pretty crappy. So to sum up, IMO he's got some issues and you're far better off away from them. Free yourself from that mess when you can.

[LoveLace]

Serialmuse, I got home last night and actually started feeling bad about saying something to him while his date was there, but in the beginning, he thought it was silly of me to leave the room if he had a girl over. Now of all of a sudden, I'm disrupting him and apparently I need to stay in my room and shut up. I didn't think twice about walking into my OWN living room to tell him something, especially knowing she is in the bathroom, not right there. I wouldn't have said anything if she was right there.

 

But I did feel bad cuz I had NO intentions to ruin anything for him, or grab his attention away from her. All I said was Call me tomorrow cuz I want to talk about something. If the girl was mad, or thought I was talking about her,...that's not my problem. If he thought I was purposely being a pest, that's not my problem either, cuz I did nothing wrong. He chose to see it that way.

 

But I still sent him a text last night, said I wasn't mad or trying to ruin your date, I just had a sudden change of mind. He asked change of mind about what? I said about being renewing the lease together. I said its harder for me to date too, guys have been dumping me cuz I live with a guy, girls are cooler about it. Men automatically assume I'm screwing my roommate just because he's a guy and they don't even make it as far as coming over before they decide how they feel. They ask me if my roommate is a guy or a girl, so I don't lie, and thats enough for them to be totally weirded out by it. I have never blamed my roommate for this and I texted him that its not his fault I just want him to see my side things.

 

He never responded to that last text about the guys, etc, so I don't know if he is still mad at me or what, but if he is, that's all the more reason why I don't want to live with him anymore. He's more worried about this date than he is about my feelings and I've done more for him in 10 yrs. than he's done for anyone in his life. So I could care less what the chicks think of me.

[Kathleen2260]

Sorry to jump in the middle of this- it sounds like you made up your mind but I've been reading your thread and to me you sound like a great catch for a guy, not just this one. But for whatever reason your roommate just doesnt' appreciate what he has right in front of him. I actually think he is using you. If he were truly interested in pursuing a relationship, he would have given you some sign by now. It seems that he's not really interested in seriously dating anyone and is just enjoying the "free ride" of having someone to help pay the rent and watch his kids for him. I think he's definately taking advantage of the situation and possibly knows how you feel about him. I think he was being extra nice at times because he was trying to lessen your anger at leaving his kids with you while he was out all night, not because he has any romantic interest in you. I don't mean that to sound harsh but what guy in his right mind would have the opportunity to be with a beautiful, ambitious women who shares his time and helps take care of his kids (you said at times when you do things together it feels like you are a family.) Also you live with him and you already have a sexual past with him so he already knows that part would be good as well and instead of pursuing you he brings girls home, stays out all night and leaves you in charge of his teenagers, and basically flaunts other women in your face?

 

You say you've done more for him in ten years than most people, especially the women he brings home and yet he pays more attention and cares more about their feelings than yours? That ought to tell you something. You say you helped him out back when he was in rehab and you helped him get his life together. Did he appreciate that? If he was going to be interested in dating you he should have seen what a wonderful person you were back then and wanted to be with you. If he really does like you or have feelings for you he isn't going to do anything about it because it sounds like he's not interested in anything serious. I will point out that I've had male roommates before so I know what you are going thru as far as trying to date. Guys are intimidated by a male roommmate and think you are automatically sleeping with him! So that can be a drag. But I will also tell you that guys dont ask someone they may be interested in dating to move in with them. Most men want their space and dont' want to live with a woman BEFORE dating her. So i think he lives with you because he does enjoy your company (as a friend) and he knows he can count on you to help him out but not because he wants to date you. You sound like a woman with a lot going for her so it shouldn't be hard to find a guy who cherishes you.

[LoveLace]

You've been quite helpful. I already suspected that his kissing my a** had something to do with me accusing him of using me by leaving the kids. I'm thinking we're both right about that.

 

And to be that way, again, with someone he's known for so long, etc, is just wrong. He can kiss my butt all day, and I'll milk it all day too, but it won't change how I feel about something that ticks me off. If he pulls the all-night stuff again, he will hate my reaction more than life itself.

 

But I think everything you say and what others have said is totally true. He thought that he could have me as a roommate, a friend, a babysitter, and all of the above but all I get from him is the roommate and friend (sometimes). Somehow he thought it would be easy to live with a single woman and have the kids around while he enjoys his bachelorhood. I don't want it sound like he's a bad father...he really is not. I just think his parenting is modeled after his own parents. He was the youngest of a few kids, so I think he was left on his own more at a younger age. He doesn't see anything unusual about 14 year olds being home alone cuz I think it was pretty normal in his family. He shows a lot of love for his kids.

It's ME that he doesn't show the love for when he leaves them!

 

You know what, I took it as a joke, but several months ago we were discussing marriage and he said "I want a wife that I shouldn't have to f***K".

 

Looks like he got what he wanted.

[LoveLace]

good for you!

 

this will put him in a position to either spill the beans on how he really feels - or just watch you walk away. either way - it is better to know than to waste time wondering.

 

good luck, and let us know what happens.

 

 

Well I managed to make him mad at me before I had the chance to tell him, so now that I've told him we shouldn't renew the lease, he's acting totally fine with it. But I know he's wondering what the hell he's going to do financially. I don't see how he could find someone else to deal with what I deal with here. That person would have to love him as much as I do, obviously.

 

Everytime we argue, we both feel bad about it after we don't talk a few days. It's as though we realize how much we like living together...but I don't know if that will happen this time. So now i'm thinking of how much I will miss this place in general, and I already feel like a temporary guest cuz there are only 4 months left of the lease.

 

I don't know. I guess anything can happen in 4 months.

[LoveLace]

LL, it doesn't sound to me like you spilled the beans at all. Instead you tried protecting yourself by lying about the fact that it didn't bother you that he had company over. Which landed you in a discussion about moving out.

 

I do kind of understand why you did that. I think you are trying to protect yourself. I just wonder if that is the best thing to do.

 

Right now, protecting myself is all I can think about doing, after having him get so mad at me, even though I know I'm innocent and didn't try and disrupt his date purposely.

 

But I wonder if he is suspicious of me, cuz you have certainly busted me on protecting myself, therefore maybe he's catching onto that, too. I went further enough last night to tell him the big reason (for moving) is because I can't date like I want to either, with having a roommate of the opposite sex. That was a text message he never responded to and he's at work while I'm here for the next few days, so all I can do is wait till we talk again. Why he chose to ignore that text message, I have no idea.

[norajane]

Don't take this the wrong way, but I think you wimped out by not telling him what your real reason is for wanting to move out - that you have feelings for him and it's driving you crazy living with him under the circumstances. You were jealous of Sophie, and that's why you had to make a big deal out of needing to talk to him about moving out.

 

I also think you are doing a disservice to your friendship - are basically wrecking it - by not being honest with him about your feelings. You've already done the damage, so why not just put it out on the table so he can at least understand the issue, and can respond to your real feelings, rather than the smokescreens you keep putting up.

[LoveLace]

Don't take this the wrong way, but I think you wimped out by not telling him what your real reason is for wanting to move out - that you have feelings for him and it's driving you crazy living with him under the circumstances. You were jealous of Sophie, and that's why you had to make a big deal out of needing to talk to him about moving out.

 

I also think you are doing a disservice to your friendship - are basically wrecking it - by not being honest with him about your feelings. You've already done the damage, so why not just put it out on the table so he can at least understand the issue, and can respond to your real feelings, rather than the smokescreens you keep putting up.

 

NoraJane, I don't think I have the nerve to do it unless I thought I'd get something out of it.

 

Besides, It might already be on the table without me knowing. read the new post I'm about to put up cuz I"m crapping my pants right now.

[norajane]

NoraJane, I don't think I have the nerve to do it unless I thought I'd get something out of it.

 

Besides, It might already be on the table without me knowing. read the new post I'm about to put up cuz I"m crapping my pants right now.

 

I know it's a hard thing for you to do, but I truly believe you'd get some peace of mind out of it. Right now, every day is some kind of anguish for you.

 

But I'll wait for your next post...

[LoveLace]

I know it's a hard thing for you to do, but I truly believe you'd get some peace of mind out of it. Right now, every day is some kind of anguish for you.

 

But I'll wait for your next post...

 

You are so right about the anguish. I"m miserable today! But I'll be calling him later, cuz I don't even wanna finish out the lease anymore if we can help it. I don't wanna walk on eggshells for 4 more months. He's been judging everything I do as being out of jealousy, when in fact I thought I was hiding pretty darn well, and the last thing I wanted was to let him think I'm trying to get in the way of his life. But if he was suspicious all this time, why didn't he just ask me what's going on with me straight out, instead of doing things to test me, or get a reaction out of me? I don't think too highly of him because of this, so it doesn't prompt to tell him I have feelings, in fact it makes me wonder if my own feelings were even real.

[Kamille]

You are so right about the anguish. I"m miserable today! But I'll be calling him later, cuz I don't even wanna finish out the lease anymore if we can help it. I don't wanna walk on eggshells for 4 more months. He's been judging everything I do as being out of jealousy, when in fact I thought I was hiding pretty darn well, and the last thing I wanted was to let him think I'm trying to get in the way of his life. But if he was suspicious all this time, why didn't he just ask me what's going on with me straight out, instead of doing things to test me, or get a reaction out of me? I don't think too highly of him because of this, so it doesn't prompt to tell him I have feelings, in fact it makes me wonder if my own feelings were even real.

 

Lovelace! Think happy thoughts right now!

 

I might have missed something but I don't see how he is testing you. You are interpreting his actions from your frame of reference which, if I get it correctly, goes something like: "I am into him and I hope he is into me. I am going to analyse his every actions as if he is trying to communicate something to me."

 

We don't know what his feelings for you are - but it is clear that the situation is unfair to you both: you are walking on eggshells while he is the one being tested. It is clear from where I sit that you are fully participating in contributing to this mess by not being honest about how you feel.

 

While I believe that the situation is currently unhealthy, I think you should avoid all the focus on moving out. Right now, it sounds like moving out is a cop out for you to avoid being honest with yourself and with him about how you feel.

 

Really, sit down, dedramatize the situation and think about what the worst case scenario would be:" You: Roomie, I have been acting weird because I am starting to feel strong feelings for you.

Him: I noticed and I wondered. I'm flattered and I do love you a lot but I don't think now is a good time for us." (That last part really being your worst case scenario).

 

See, it wouldn't be that bad and that might no even be what happens.

 

I think the reason you might be trying to avoid this conversation is because you would like to hang on to this idea that you two are meant to be together, and therefore you want more time in the game to get him to utterly fall in love with you. The fact is that right now, the situation has you on too much of an emotional roller coaster for that to happen.

 

Hence, time for you to go to a happy place. Exercise, go for a message, do something that will take your mind off of things. Anything that relaxes you and helps you gain perspective.

[norajane]

Lovelace! Think happy thoughts right now!

 

I might have missed something but I don't see how he is testing you. You are interpreting his actions from your frame of reference which, if I get it correctly, goes something like: "I am into him and I hope he is into me. I am going to analyse his every actions as if he is trying to communicate something to me."

 

We don't know what his feelings for you are - but it is clear that the situation is unfair to you both: you are walking on eggshells while he is the one being tested. It is clear from where I sit that you are fully participating in contributing to this mess by not being honest about how you feel.

 

While I believe that the situation is currently unhealthy, I think you should avoid all the focus on moving out. Right now, it sounds like moving out is a cop out for you to avoid being honest with yourself and with him about how you feel.

 

Really, sit down, dedramatize the situation and think about what the worst case scenario would be:" You: Roomie, I have been acting weird because I am starting to feel strong feelings for you.

Him: I noticed and I wondered. I'm flattered and I do love you a lot but I don't think now is a good time for us." (That last part really being your worst case scenario).

 

See, it wouldn't be that bad and that might no even be what happens.

 

I think the reason you might be trying to avoid this conversation is because you would like to hang on to this idea that you two are meant to be together, and therefore you want more time in the game to get him to utterly fall in love with you. The fact is that right now, the situation has you on too much of an emotional roller coaster for that to happen.

 

Hence, time for you to go to a happy place. Exercise, go for a message, do something that will take your mind off of things. Anything that relaxes you and helps you gain perspective.

 

Excellent analysis and advice!!

[LoveLace]

I'm sure your right Kamille, me moving ASAP would mean I don't have to tell him anything if I don't want to. Then I could forget, and move on a lot sooner, instead of hanging on for the next 4 months of the lease, with that inkling of hope that he loves me, and again I'd still feel like I was walking on eggshells, (as would he), I think maybe our situation could only get even more uncomfortable from here. If I know him as well as I think, he will now start having girls over like all the time (opposite of before), because I know his attitude, and I'm sure its going something like this, "Well she said she isn't jealous, and she's moving out anyway, so I can really do what I want now, no matter what she thinks of it, cuz she'll be gone soon".

 

Then I'll start to feel like a guest in my home. Up to now, the girls have only been there every once in a great while, not enough to make me feel shoved out. I have a feeling the opposite of that is beginning already cuz it was obvious a girl spent the night last night. I don't want to feel like it's not really my home. So I want outta there.

 

I still feel that he was the one who blew things out of proportion; if I acted out of jealousy, it was because I wished I could be dating like he does. But I'm perfectly aware that he isn't mine, so I don't have a right to be mad at him or anything; I think it was more or less me just taking out my lonliness on him. Of course I love him. But my actions the other night weren't brought on by wishing I was that girl. It was brought on by wishing I had a man, any man, to love me and want to be with me as much as my roommate wanted to be with his date.

 

What if I only think I love him just because he is the guy that has been there? When I think of moving out...I think of myself as moving on pretty quickly, weather we stay friends or enemies after all this. I mean, I haven't even cried about any of this, really. Don't you cry if you are about to lose someone love?

 

I don't know I could be any more confusing for you all!

[dropdeadlegs]

I'm sure your right Kamille, me moving ASAP would mean I don't have to tell him anything if I don't want to. Then I could forget, and move on a lot sooner, instead of hanging on for the next 4 months of the lease, with that inkling of hope that he loves me, and again I'd still feel like I was walking on eggshells, (as would he), I think maybe our situation could only get even more uncomfortable from here. If I know him as well as I think, he will now start having girls over like all the time (opposite of before), because I know his attitude, and I'm sure its going something like this, "Well she said she isn't jealous, and she's moving out anyway, so I can really do what I want now, no matter what she thinks of it, cuz she'll be gone soon".

 

Then I'll start to feel like a guest in my home. Up to now, the girls have only been there every once in a great while, not enough to make me feel shoved out. I have a feeling the opposite of that is beginning already cuz it was obvious a girl spent the night last night. I don't want to feel like it's not really my home. So I want outta there.

 

I still feel that he was the one who blew things out of proportion; if I acted out of jealousy, it was because I wished I could be dating like he does. But I'm perfectly aware that he isn't mine, so I don't have a right to be mad at him or anything; I think it was more or less me just taking out my lonliness on him. Of course I love him. But my actions the other night weren't brought on by wishing I was that girl. It was brought on by wishing I had a man, any man, to love me and want to be with me as much as my roommate wanted to be with his date.

 

What if I only think I love him just because he is the guy that has been there? When I think of moving out...I think of myself as moving on pretty quickly, weather we stay friends or enemies after all this. I mean, I haven't even cried about any of this, really. Don't you cry if you are about to lose someone love?

 

I don't know I could be any more confusing for you all!

Lovelace, I have been lurking on this thread. I have to say it - I think you are kidding yourself by thinking that you want just any man. You want this man. And his family. Nothing wrong with that except he doesn't "seem" to share your feelings.

 

I do wish that you would spill the beans and tell him how you feel. I honestly think you may regret it if you don't. You are already assuming (as I am) that he doesn't feel the same way, but you'll never know unless you address the situation.

 

Really, what do you have to lose? You have stated that after the move you think you will be able to move on very quickly. regardless of how the relationship unfolds (friends, enemies.)

 

I think you are rationalizing when you say that you are questioning if your feelings were really love at all. Many people don't shed tears (although I can lose noticeable weight from crying) about love lost. Different people have different natures. I am crier. You may not be one. My daughter isn't. She is still a very compassionate person, a loving person, she just doesn't cry.

[LoveLace]

I think feelings will come out in some way here soon, weather or not I want them to, I have a feeling that it will sord of accidentally leak out of me with whatever future conversations we have about this again. But it also makes me happy to think of accepting he doesn't feel the same, move on, meet someone great, and realize he wasn't really it for me anyway.

 

I was going to call him today to talk more, but I"ve changed my mind. Due to our work schedules, we may not see other again until Saturday late or Sunday. I like having this time to think. Maybe he does, too, or maybe the only thing he's thinking is, he can't wait till I"m gone so he can really have the place to himself.

 

At the same time, I have co-workers today telling me that he only got really ticked because I didn't act jealous enough for him. It's rough, cuz neither LSackers or co workers know him, or witness everything at home, so it's just amazing how points of view can be so different from person to person. Anyway, one co-worker, a woman of her late 40's, is highly convinced that he tests my jealousy factor, and is emotionally attached to me, possibly frustrated that no sex has been involved. I tell my co workers exactly what I tell LS! And I agree with both conclusions!

 

I should just put my posting to a HALT until I get a real talk out of him. I hope that's soon; unless he feels there is nothing left to discuss at this point.

[dropdeadlegs]

I think feelings will come out in some way here soon, weather or not I want them to, I have a feeling that it will sord of accidentally leak out of me with whatever future conversations we have about this again. But it also makes me happy to think of accepting he doesn't feel the same, move on, meet someone great, and realize he wasn't really it for me anyway.

 

I was going to call him today to talk more, but I"ve changed my mind. Due to our work schedules, we may not see other again until Saturday late or Sunday. I like having this time to think. Maybe he does, too, or maybe the only thing he's thinking is, he can't wait till I"m gone so he can really have the place to himself.

 

At the same time, I have co-workers today telling me that he only got really ticked because I didn't act jealous enough for him. It's rough, cuz neither LSackers or co workers know him, or witness everything at home, so it's just amazing how points of view can be so different from person to person. Anyway, one co-worker, a woman of her late 40's, is highly convinced that he tests my jealousy factor, and is emotionally attached to me, possibly frustrated that no sex has been involved. I tell my co workers exactly what I tell LS! And I agree with both conclusions!

 

I should just put my posting to a HALT until I get a real talk out of him. I hope that's soon; unless he feels there is nothing left to discuss at this point.

Actually, I agree with both conclusions, too. I based my last post simply on what I have read in your posts, but I certainly can see the flip side. That is why I encouraged you to spill the beans. I wouldn't want to cause you pain, but there's something about your story that compels me to urge you to get to the bottom of it all.

 

Thanks for not taking my last post as anything other than what it was. An opinionated concern.

[LoveLace]

Actually, I agree with both conclusions, too. I based my last post simply on what I have read in your posts, but I certainly can see the flip side. That is why I encouraged you to spill the beans. I wouldn't want to cause you pain, but there's something about your story that compels me to urge you to get to the bottom of it all.

 

Thanks for not taking my last post as anything other than what it was. An opinionated concern.

 

I think I need the encouragment that everyone is giving me here to just open up to him. It's almost like you all know how stubborn of a person I can be. This encouragment might be the only thing that gets me the strength to find out the truth, even though I think I know what that is already (the one that I don't wanna hear). I don't know if I should prepare for a major let down or what. Oh well, thanks for everything everyone, LS will be the 1st to know what happens...as always...

[dropdeadlegs]

It's the many years of history together that is compelling me. there's something that belies that.

 

You won't learn anything you don't already suspect.

 

I would go for it, but also see that it is easier said than done.

 

Here's to strength! What doesn't kill us makes us stronger!

[Kamille]

I was going to call him today to talk more, but I"ve changed my mind. Due to our work schedules, we may not see other again until Saturday late or Sunday. I like having this time to think.

 

I think giving your thoughts some time to stop spinning is a good idea. Just make sure you do things that you enjoy doing and that relaxes you. Especially BECAUSE:

 

Maybe he does, too, or maybe the only thing he's thinking is, he can't wait till I"m gone so he can really have the place to himself.

 

 

It sounds to me like you are letting this thing affect your self-esteem too much. So in the next few hours, focus on yourself and reminding yourself that you are a great person who has a lot to offer the world and one lucky man out there. Do whatever it is you do that makes you laugh the most. (I recommand laught therapy even: find a quiet isolated place and lie down, start by fake laughing. Keep fake laughing until you are truly laughing. Believe me, its a stress reliever and a hoot!)

 

No he is not thinking that he can't wait until you are gone so he can have the place to himself! You do realize that this is you shooting yourself in the foot as a part of a self-protection mechanism? You shouldn't try to protect yourself so much. I don't really understand why the stakes are so high for you, or what it is that you think is at stake?

 

Getting ready for the worst isn't putting yourself down. It's putting yourself up. You do realize that if he doesn't reciprocate your feelings (or their intensity), you will move on and be ok. But him not reciprocating your feelings certainly doesn't mean he doesn't care for you, your wellbeing or your friendship.

 

In other words: you sound like a fun, open-minded strong person. Approach him as an attractive, strong open-minded person.

[LoveLace]

Kamille,

 

Thank you for so many kind words!

 

I think the only thing about myself that I have low esteem about, is my horrible ability to express my true feelings. I have always been this way, and have lost men this way. Before living with my roommate, I was stuck on an Ex of mine for like 3 years. I feel like I'm re-living it again, sord of. Now that I look back, all would have taken was for me to tell Shawn (my Ex) that I loved him. We were on and off just like me and my roommate tend to be. Shawn adored me one day, and appeared ticked at me the next, till I finally just drove him away completely because I never just told him my feelings. And if I think about him, I miss him very much, but he's married and all that now. When I look back on that ordeal, there were so many things I should have done differently, but I was held back by thinking there is NO way he really wants me, but he did, I just kept brushing off all the signs; everytime I thought he wanted me, I convinced myself it was all in my head.

 

I was sending Shawn all kinds of mixed signals, probably to the point where he couldn't take it anymore. Maybe my room. feels the same, except I'm not near as wishy-washy with him as I was with Shawn. But I'm very guilty of being affectionate towards him (as he is too), and acting very caring towards him, only to say he's crazy for thinking I'm jealous. it might be I've already drove him to someone else's arms like I did with Shawn. The only reason I still have a chance to reform is because we live together. I am only repeating my usual patterns, which explains why I haven't been able to keep in LT relationship in many years.

 

I get it from my mother. We show each other we love each other by actions, not words. It sounds weird, but we rarely say I love you to each other. However, its not an issue with my dad in the slightest. He is an affectionate person. I get the affection trait from him, and the bad communication from mom! (and they divorced many years ago!)

 

Maybe this is my time to change that about me.