some bombs dropped today...

[lindya]

He left, and I was shaking. I tried to call him, and the connection wasn't good so I actually hopped in the car in hopes of catching him at the grocery store parking lot to confront him...not my usual behavior, but I was just..well, you can probably understand.

 

Luckily, he had left and as I was driving through town I saw a mutual friend, actually the woman who set us up all those years back. She hopped in the car, and I poured it all out to her, as she listened quietly. It turned out that yesterday as she was helping him with taxes (she does his books) he expressed how angry and frustrated he was that I hadn't found a place to live yet and was feeling taken advantage of.

 

She told me that a lot of people he knows have been agreeing with him, and that in fact, she felt that way, too.

 

At that point in time the last thing you probably needed was someone who is evidently not impartial giving you the message that people are taking his part in this. It's not her business or theirs - and it's not helping you to dwell on what his friends think about the situation. Resolve to not care what they think.

 

It's like a 180 from how my friends think... many of them have been urging me to just take my time, (even my therapist!) as I was his SO for 9 years and should feel entitled to be there until I have saved money and find something suitable.

 

I'm sorry if I haven't got the whole story. Does he own this house you're living in? If so, then I can't really agree with your friends and therapist. A kind, considerate man would, after 9 years, probably want to help you out as much as possible in a situation like this. Your bf doesn't sound like he falls into that category, however - and upsetting as that is, there's nothing to be done about it except get yourself away from him ASAP.

 

Don't beat yourself up about who he is, and what his friends think/agree with. You need to focus on your own friends. One of them has offered to help you out in terms of accommodation, and that's probably an offer you should consider very seriously. Staying for any length of time in this guy's accommodation can't be doing you much good psychologically. There's too much sense of you being dependent on him in that situation.

 

He agreed to meet with me.

 

Then I stupidly went out and bought some beer and just drank too much and smoked cigarettes (I was stressed out yesterday and bought some:( though I know better. So stupid of me, it just makes everything worse as I feel like sh*t today, and really need my energy and wits to cope with this. This is not a time to bcave into numbing out, which I confess I have done a lot of lately . Must stop, and take care of myself better.

 

Please don't meet up with him when you've been drinking. When you're having one last meeting with an ex partner who has suddenly turned really cold and mean, there is only one way to be. Very calm, collected and matter of fact. If you can't present that kind of front, then why not just get an attorney to write a niceish "let's negotiate this in a reasonable way" letter outlining your preferred timeline for finding alternative accommodation.

 

Good luck, and I hope you feel better soon.

[polywog]

At that point in time the last thing you probably needed was someone who is evidently not impartial giving you the message that people are taking his part in this. It's not her business or theirs - and it's not helping you to dwell on what his friends think about the situation. Resolve to not care what they think.

 

Yes, it sucked to hear that and thanks for the reassurance about not dwelling. It did give me the context for where he's coming from, though, which is somewhat helpful.

 

I'm sorry if I haven't got the whole story. Does he own this house you're living in? If so, then I can't really agree with your friends and therapist. A kind, considerate man would, after 9 years, probably want to help you out as much as possible in a situation like this. Your bf doesn't sound like he falls into that category, however - and upsetting as that is, there's nothing to be done about it except get yourself away from him ASAP.

 

Yes, he owns the house. I have lived there for 8 years and basicly furnished it and made it into a home... before that was a messy strangely furnished batchor pad/crash pad with crazy roomates, so not really a home.

I guess all my friends know this, and feel it's as much my "home" as his, tho he owns the place. However I am aware that it's his turf and I have no equity. And he's an umcompromising person, and just sees that he wants me out.

 

Having a houseful of stuff has made this move very daunting for me, but I just have to rise to the occasion.

 

Staying for any length of time in this guy's accommodation can't be doing you much good psychologically. There's too much sense of you being dependent on him in that situation.

 

More and more I am realizing this on a gut level, and will take my friend up on her offer. You are right on about the dependent thing, obvious as this is, it's really just dawned on me in the past few days, and your point here is underscoring that...thanks.

 

 

Please don't meet up with him when you've been drinking. When you're having one last meeting with an ex partner who has suddenly turned really cold and mean, there is only one way to be. Very calm, collected and matter of fact. If you can't present that kind of front, then why not just get an attorney to write a niceish "let's negotiate this in a reasonable way" letter outlining your preferred timeline for finding alternative accommodation.

 

Luckily, I know better than to do that, and have not done that with him (haven't done anything like that in years with anybody, & I learned my lesson). I have been calm and direct through this entire (I'm a pretty reasonable, mature person), tho yesterday really pushed things! But as I will likely have to be in this space in one way another to deal with packing and moving, and probably having to ssleep here for another a bit longer, I'm going to try to communicate and listen as best I can.

 

Good luck, and I hope you feel better soon.

 

Thanks Lynda, that was a great post... super helpful:bunny: !

 

polywog

[polywog]

Well, as I was clearing up my "clutter" today and putting it out of his way, I felt more reslove...didn't feel less sad, but just started letting it sink in more.

Moving forward, I guess, in my heart and head. I just can't wait til this is over with, though.

 

I haven't seen him or talked to him today yet, but I am going to go out and buy some boxes for moving and make a plan to pack a certain amount every day. I'm also going to check out options for storage, and I got another lead from a friend on a possibility for housing. I was dreading moving from here and into a smaller place, away from all I love, but it's not looking so bad after this past two days. I guess this bad stuff that's happened has been a blessing in a lot of ways. I didn't realize how stuck I was, and now I'm releasing from it all.

 

Anyhow, I'm just so thankful for LS!

[tragicglands]

I didn't realize how stuck I was, and now I'm releasing from it all.

Here's to moving on (and drinking in moderation).

Anyhow, I'm just so thankful for LS!

LS is sick. And maybe phat, too.

 

Yeah, I remember a place I had to leave that is tied to most of my best memories. It sucks, but nothing is forever. There will always be a special place in my heart for that place, in contrast to my present view of a parking lot. I just need to appreciate cars a lot more, I guess.

 

Well, perhaps love is forever. Death is the only thing that will separate me and my ego. We were just meant for each other.

[polywog]

 

Yeah, I remember a place I had to leave that is tied to most of my best memories. It sucks, but nothing is forever. There will always be a special place in my heart for that place, in contrast to my present view of a parking lot. I just need to appreciate cars a lot more, I guess.

 

Well magic, I hope you end up living the place of your dreams and that it lasts forever, you and your ego sure deserve that.

 

I dunno, oddly enough in spite of all this misery I have a gut instinct that something wonderful is in store for me once I am free of all this, not right away, perhaps, but eventually. Maybe it's just my brain trying to help me cope, but it's a strong feeling.

 

There were so many things about living here that I realize now were unsatisfying, and made the house tenetive in my life. I mean, it's a house that I loved, but I was never offered a stake in it. We never married because he never divorced his wife (hasn't seen her in 10 years and has started proceedings without following up). He told me I could have the house if anything ever happened to him, yet he never wrote a will. For most of our relationship he owed Huge back taxes and would not deal with it, meaning the men in black could come knocking at the door to take it away for most of the time I lived there...ugh, that was upsetting. He has an illegal woodstove in the basement that he uses all winter that he has not reported to his insurance company, so that if the house burned down because of it nothing would be covered, and I have a lot of valuable antiques and art (acquired during more prosperous days).

[Ssheena]

While reading your thread I was struck by how much it reminds me of one of the novellas in the book Good Women by Jane Stevenson. It's called "Garden Guerrillas" - a widow (which is similar to what you are now - a relationship has been quickly taken away from you) who has to leave her beautiful house and her garden. It is a most most excellent story and I think if you read it would give you a great deal of optimism.

 

I would suggest that you vacate that house as soon as possible. Do whatever you can to get out of there as fast as you can.

(now I'm thinking about what the woman did in the story which was to take all her favorite plants out of the garden - clippings and all - and plant (hee hee) noxious weeds and nasty wild growing big rooted things and all).

 

If you have been divorced and are as you say, "older" (and I bet I have you beat or am about the same age) you KNOW you can get through this. In some ways and if you stand back and squint, it could even be a tad exciting!

 

Take the high road and remember you are way better than he is and it is his loss.

 

I'd take the cats and just leave him to his mess.

 

Best wishes.

[Art_Critic]

Breakups suck PW.. I'm sorry you are going thru one..

 

Just don't let him push you out before you are ready to go.. you have established residency there and believe it or not you do have legal rights even though he owns the house.. He can not just boot you out on the street overnight.

 

Keep packing.. keep a positive attitude and fu*k him and his crap and move out like he wants..

 

 

Hugs ..........

[justagirlforever]

tho I saw many clues, in hindsight

Isn't hindsight the most frustrating (often sad) and also the best thing ever?

 

I only just saw this thread and it's very sad to see what you're going through after so many years - and when the realization strikes that all was never it seemed to be. Or what we made (wanted) it to be.

That you walk away with no home - even though it's your home.

 

It's only been 4 months since I came from a 4 year relationship (also living together for almost the entire 4 years) - and in actual fact a mere 2 months since I moved out and into my new home. It was agony trying to find a place suitable for me, my cat and my enormous fishtank. But I found the best little place ever for us. And now I feel light-years away from all that happened. With the bizarre twisted difference that we are still friends and only live a 10 minute walk from each other. Anyhow...

 

It helped me immensely to fill my life with things I've wanted to do for a long time, but just always put off. And I'm happier than I've probably ever been in 4 years.

 

Hope you can get there too in your own time.

Keep positive

[polywog]

Thanks Sheena, Art, & justagirl,

 

:)

 

Those were great posts, in every way, and my heart is warmed by them!

Which I truly need right now!

 

If I can finagle a ride to the town that has the bus station, I'm going to NY for a few days tomorrow to hang with one of my dearest friends, another artist, and will look at inspiring shows that are up now and eat good food and take in my favorite city. They are driving back up here, so it will be a very easy and pleasant trip.... tho I strangely feel almost too vulnerable to go. I keep being afraid that I'll come back here and find my stuff out on the street, plus I feel anxious in general. But I think it will be good to get away.

 

thanks again for all your support, people

[Art_Critic]

I keep being afraid that I'll come back here and find my stuff out on the street,

 

There is a possibility of that.. Do you have any attorney friends that you could ask about what your next steps would be if he was to do that ?

 

It has always been my understanding that once a person sets up residency it doesn't matter who owns the house that neither can throw the other out..

He can ask you to leave and you will have to.. but he has to be fair about it and give you the time to do it rather than have your belongings thrown out like they were trash..

 

Please keep all your future steps in mind while dealing with this till you are moved..

Emotions on both sides can run high and things can be said and done to hurt the other

[polywog]

There is a possibility of that.. Do you have any attorney friends that you could ask about what your next steps would be if he was to do that ?

 

It has always been my understanding that once a person sets up residency it doesn't matter who owns the house that neither can throw the other out..

He can ask you to leave and you will have to.. but he has to be fair about it and give you the time to do it rather than have your belongings thrown out like they were trash..

 

Please keep all your future steps in mind while dealing with this till you are moved..

Emotions on both sides can run high and things can be said and done to hurt the other

 

Yikes, that's probably something I should investigate. I might try to find a lawyer acquaintence that I can talk to tonight. It's hard to image that he would do that, but he's been pretty hostile the past few days.

 

I'm especially worried because my best friend raised that question when I told her I thought about going to NY. She has been dead on about things that I couldn't believe he'd do, but has.... and reminded me when I told her today about his moving my stuff out of the bedroom that she had predicted he'd do that exact thing, that she felt like he was like a storm brewing over the past few weeks.

 

It doesn't help that his "friends" have been getting him whipped up over the fact that "I'm taking advantage of him". And he has a girlfriend now, and I am frankly grossed out by the idea of her hanging out here around all my stuff while I'm gone. I know nothing about her. She could be a klepto or something, or even help feed his desire to kick me out on the street so she can move in (I do know she's in a very undesirable living situation right now).

 

Geez, maybe I should make the NY trip later, besides the weather is supposed to be bad while I'm there.

 

what do you think?

[polywog]

There is a possibility of that.. Do you have any attorney friends that you could ask about what your next steps would be if he was to do that ?

 

It has always been my understanding that once a person sets up residency it doesn't matter who owns the house that neither can throw the other out..

He can ask you to leave and you will have to.. but he has to be fair about it and give you the time to do it rather than have your belongings thrown out like they were trash..

 

Please keep all your future steps in mind while dealing with this till you are moved..

Emotions on both sides can run high and things can be said and done to hurt the other

 

Yikes, that's probably something I should investigate. I might try to find a lawyer acquaintence that I can talk to tonight. It's hard to image that he would do that, but he's been pretty hostile the past few days.

 

I'm especially worried because my best friend raised that question when I told her I thought about going to NY. She has been dead on about things that I couldn't believe he'd do, but has.... and reminded me when I told her today about his moving my stuff out of the bedroom that she had predicted he'd do that exact thing, that she felt like he was like a storm brewing over the past few weeks.

 

It doesn't help that his "friends" have been getting him whipped up over the fact that "I'm taking advantage of him". And he has a girlfriend now, and I am frankly grossed out by the idea of her hanging out here around all my stuff while I'm gone. I know nothing about her. She could be a klepto or something, or even help feed his desire to kick me out on the street so she can move in (I do know she's in a very undesirable living situation right now, and that it's not comfortable for them to sleep together there).

 

Geez, maybe I should make the NY trip later, besides the weather is supposed to be bad while I'm there.

 

what do you think?

[tragicglands]

what do you think?

If you can make it later, then I would. It is very tempting to recharge your batteries right now, but you should try to get as much done as you can, now that you have gotten the ball rolling.

 

The NY trip would be a great way to start afresh. Ish.

[Art_Critic]

This is of course only my opinion but if I was in your shoes I would NOT go and I would continue working on packing and getting ready to move.

 

Unless he has told you something specific about staying or you have an agreement then I would think all possibilities are in play..

 

Why take the risk with your belongings ?

[tragicglands]

Unless he has told you something specific about staying or you have an agreement then I would think all possibilities are in play..

Exactly. At least have a chat with whatshisname before you go.

[polywog]

If you can make it later, then I would. It is very tempting to recharge your batteries right now, but you should try to get as much done as you can, now that you have gotten the ball rolling.

 

The NY trip would be a great way to start afresh. Ish.

 

Thanks Tragic, that's a good insight. It's not like this trip would be so satisfying, as it's only one full day in the city. Maybe I'd be fretting the whole time I'm there about what's going on in the house. Or maybe I'd not think about it all because I'd be dazzled by the things I want to see. The one show I'm dying to see by an artist I Adore will be up for another month, so it's not ny only chance to see it.

[tragicglands]

Thanks Tragic, that's a good insight.

I just stole Art's idea, really, but I'm a quicker typist.

[polywog]

This is of course only my opinion but if I was in your shoes I would NOT go and I would continue working on packing and getting ready to move.

 

Unless he has told you something specific about staying or you have an agreement then I would think all possibilities are in play..

 

Why take the risk with your belongings ?

 

I told him I wanted to talk about this stuff today, and guess what? He's nowhere to be found. He is avoiding this talk, obviously. I could call him, and make him meet me to talk, but his not being around or contacting me today does not bode well.

[polywog]

I just stole Art's idea, really, but I'm a quicker typist.

 

 

I don't mind hearing it twice, from two people I repect !

[tragicglands]

The one show I'm dying to see by an artist I Adore will be up for another month, so it's not ny only chance to see it.

If you're lucky he/she will sell all the paintings/sculptures/crap in the meantime, and you will keep the bus money in your pocket. Woo hoo!

 

Just kidding. If that happens, then you can both get pissed to celebrate. Twice.

[tragicglands]

, from two people I repect !

:rolleyes:

 

Singing the Aretha Franklin song may help your spelling.

[Storyrider]

:rolleyes:

 

Singing the Aretha Franklin song may help your spelling.

 

Tragicglands and Urethra are friends.

[polywog]

If you're lucky he/she will sell all the paintings/sculptures/crap in the meantime, and you will keep the bus money in your pocket. Woo hoo!

 

Just kidding. If that happens, then you can both get pissed to celebrate. Twice.

 

Actually it's a dead artist in the Museum of American Folk Art, and that show would definely sell out if it were for sale. And getting pissed with the artist, if even he wasn't dead, would be mighty interesting as he lived in an insane assylum.

 

I have show up at a museum right now, and some of the work is for sale, so I will get pissed with my friend who is the other artist showing with me When We Sell All our Availble Work! This show is actually a very bright thing for me during this dreary time

[polywog]

:rolleyes:

 

Singing the Aretha Franklin song may help your spelling.

 

:lmao:

 

well maybe I was offering to replace your Pectoral implants!

[polywog]

Tragicglands and Urethra are friends.

 

:lmao:

 

I hope there aren't any STDs.