Fun2BMe Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now. He seems to be very caring and I have had a good experience. My most recent appointment was Monday. That afternoon I sent him an email about something. He didn't respond until Wed. afternoon. It was our first email correspondence and he seemed much more distant than the warm attention he gives in person. Today (Friday) I received a formal letter from him in the mail, that was postmarked on Tuesday, formally stating that my fees to see him have increased. It's strange the letter is dated Feb 28th but not mailed until Tue March 6th. It seems like he has intentionally backdated the actual letter to give the impression it was written the prior week. My problem is that he didn't tell me this in person when I saw him Monday - ex. what if it would be a financial hardship? It's like he's avoiding any discussion, that plus the fact that his email was very cold makes me wonder if the fee increase is a sign that he no longer wants me as a patient? The way it was handled is disturbing to me and makes me feel bad, even though I can afford the increase in the fee. Is it something to read into at any level? It feels like a wakeup call that maybe he doesn't care as much about me as I have been thinking that he does. Also last Friday March 2nd I went to a friend of his he had referred me to, to purchase some expensive but beautiful home decors I had told him I was looking for, and I ended up spending a lot of money there. His friend may have told him how much I spent, what I purchased. I am wondering if this has anything to do with the fee increase and is bothering me, the fact that he suddenly thinks he's been charging me too little when all along I have had an impression that he enjoys seeing me. It really hurts my feelings badly. Maybe he backdated the letter to show that he had thought of this before my purchases that Friday. I don't know, but what do you all think about it and if I should say anything to him? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 naah F2BM....you have nothing to worry about. Therapist have to eat also and he's running a business. The cost of everything is going up, gas, heat, rent, blah blah blah. You shold ask him if his rates will stay the same for a while, like a year or two. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 My therapist doesn't "tell" me in person that her rates are going up. I get a letter in the mail. Don't take it personally. And I think you're reading into the email abit too much too. Don't make it that he wants to dump you as a client(patient). Trust me, a therapist is professional and if the T feels therapy isn't working for you, or you two aren't clicking, it's part of their job to TELL their client, not drop hints or play games. They would tell you to your face that "it may be best for you to find another therapist who can help you more than I can." Don't worry FUN. And the fact that the dates were a week behind, maybe it just got lost in the shuffle. Another thing, try not to become TOO emotionally attached to your T. He's there to help you, listen to you...He is a professional so I doubt very much he's discussing you with his friends or other clients. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted March 9, 2007 Author Share Posted March 9, 2007 I doubt they will go back down - he has a whole paragraph listing his new expenses since he remodeled his office and all these other things to take into consideration. I just have a problem of how he handled it and can't help feeling like it was a direct way to hurt me. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 can't help feeling like it was a direct way to hurt me. He didn't do that to 'hurt' you. Fun, you're taking it too personally! If it is upsetting you this much, tell him your thoughts. How he handled it is bugging you. I'm sure he will tell you that it is business and he wouldn't purposely do something to hurt you. And, he'd probably work with you to change your ways of thinking and reacting...Sometimes things in our head get blown out of proportion and the reality of what is really going on isn't what you "think" it is. You know what I mean??? For example - You've got PMS and not having a good day. Not a good frame of mind. You call a friend on the phone and they say "I'm busy, can't talk, sorry, call ya later." Your first reaction could be "Geez, what did I do wrong? Why is my friend mad at me? Why isn't she wanting to talk to me?" Reality of the situation is - She's just busy and can't talk...BUT, due to the frame of mind you're in, you take it the wrong way and out of context. See my point? I think that is what you're doing with your therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted March 9, 2007 Author Share Posted March 9, 2007 Ok, I think you're right WWIU. Especially with the phone example, that happens to me all the time when someone says they can't talk I take it personally and hesitate to call them again in the future even though I know they were on another call or busy. I think I should just let it go and not bring it up to him as an issue. I feel very attached to him emotionally so I can't help but take it as a jab. I enjoy our sessions so much that it seems strange he gets paid for it so now that he wants to get paid more I guess I am taking the professional relationship too personally. Thanks for the imput. Deep inside I do feel a little hurt but at least it's in a more realistic context now. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 Yes, you are taking it too personally. Your T has a job to do, and yes, it is personable, but it is also professional... The phone call example I'm glad you got! Apply that logic in this situation with your T. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 Yes, you are taking it too personally. Your T has a job to do, and yes, it is personable, but it is also professional... boy I hope F2BM won't need a second therapist to deal with her relationship with her first therapist. that could get costly! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted March 10, 2007 Author Share Posted March 10, 2007 boy I hope F2BM won't need a second therapist to deal with her relationship with her first therapist. that could get costly! That's actually a brilliant idea, I can't stop thinking about it. I'd probably have to find one in a different town to make sure they don't know each other in case they talk about their patients together or something like that. Link to post Share on other sites
lovelorcet Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 boy I hope F2BM won't need a second therapist to deal with her relationship with her first therapist. that could get costly! I was thinking the same thing! Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 I was thinking the same thing! Me too. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 That's actually a brilliant idea, I can't stop thinking about it. I'd probably have to find one in a different town to make sure they don't know each other in case they talk about their patients together or something like that. FUN, are you saying you have romantic feelings for your therapist? If so, you have to find another one. A female therapist would be better for you! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 I'd probably have to find one in a different town to make sure they don't know each other in case they talk about their patients together or something like that. There's that stinkin' thinkin' again. Trust me, therapists do not go around comparing notes on their clients! Ever hear of patient/doctor (I forget that word, but you know what I mean...LOL no coffee yet) oh yeah, confidentadility or something like that (blush!) Don't let those types of thoughts enter your head. Your therapist SHOULD be teaching you ways of more positive thinking and reacting... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted March 10, 2007 Author Share Posted March 10, 2007 FUN, are you saying you have romantic feelings for your therapist? If so, you have to find another one. A female therapist would be better for you! We have had 16 sessions so far and from my notes, on 4 of those occassions I flat out told him I had deep feelings for him and that I thought of him outside our sessions as well. He said that that's normal and there's a term for it in the field, and on another occassion I told him I felt hurt he had said that, because it felt like he was diminishing how I felt for him. He has helped me so much that I really would be dumb to leave him for another therapist, especially if there's a chance I'll form feelings there too. On the other hand, if my 2nd therapist I go to to talk about my 1st is a woman, that might actually work out. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 We have had 16 sessions so far and from my notes, on 4 of those occassions I flat out told him I had deep feelings for him and that I thought of him outside our sessions as well. He said that that's normal and there's a term for it in the field, . maybe i'm in the wrong field of work, nyuk nyuk Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted March 10, 2007 Author Share Posted March 10, 2007 There's that stinkin' thinkin' again. Trust me, therapists do not go around comparing notes on their clients! Ever hear of patient/doctor (I forget that word, but you know what I mean...LOL no coffee yet) oh yeah, confidentadility or something like that (blush!) Don't let those types of thoughts enter your head. Your therapist SHOULD be teaching you ways of more positive thinking and reacting... Well you never know. A few days ago I was reading about a once respectable man in the community who confided to his therapist that many years ago he had made out with a 14 year old. He ran to tell the authorities and it ruined his life, so I think we should keep in mind that we can trust others, even therapists, to a certain degree only. I'm not saying by the way that what that man did to the 14 year old was right, but he had complete trust in his therapist to reveal it to him and boom his life is ruined and he regrets telling him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted March 10, 2007 Author Share Posted March 10, 2007 maybe i'm in the wrong field of work, nyuk nyuk ... Link to post Share on other sites
Mark B Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 I feel very attached to him emotionally so I can't help but take it as a jab. I enjoy our sessions so much that it seems strange he gets paid for it so now that he wants to get paid more I guess I am taking the professional relationship too personally. Thanks for the imput. Deep inside I do feel a little hurt but at least it's in a more realistic context now.Sounds like my relationships with some strippers I've known. Therapists and strippers are Imams for a godless world. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 We have had 16 sessions so far and from my notes, on 4 of those occassions I flat out told him I had deep feelings for him and that I thought of him outside our sessions as well. He said that that's normal and there's a term for it in the field, and on another occassion I told him I felt hurt he had said that, because it felt like he was diminishing how I felt for him. He has helped me so much that I really would be dumb to leave him for another therapist, especially if there's a chance I'll form feelings there too. On the other hand, if my 2nd therapist I go to to talk about my 1st is a woman, that might actually work out. If you find you are going to therapy and enjoying it, meaning the feelings are growing and you're not focussing on yourself enough, then that is the time you need to take a step back and think about finding another T. You are not inlove with him. I've heard of people developing feelings for their T and becoming emotionally attached - Just don't mistake it for romantic love and that he wants you. Focus on YOU! That is what you're paying him the big bucks for! Remember that. And, he should be helping you learn how to not become so attached to men so quickly. Just seems you fall hard and fast when a new guy, whether it be a guy you're dating or the therapist, enters your life. Well you never know. A few days ago I was reading about a once respectable man in the community who confided to his therapist that many years ago he had made out with a 14 year old. He ran to tell the authorities and it ruined his life, so I think we should keep in mind that we can trust others, even therapists, to a certain degree only. I'm not saying by the way that what that man did to the 14 year old was right, but he had complete trust in his therapist to reveal it to him and boom his life is ruined and he regrets telling him. Reading that type of stuff isn't helping you. Yeah it happens, just like bad stuff happens in life,but the chances of it happening to you is slim to none. Let's hope your T is professional enough NOT to cross the lines..... Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 we need some new terminology: PT=Primary Therapist OT=Other Therapist TT=Tertiary Therapist Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 Well you never know. A few days ago I was reading about a once respectable man in the community who confided to his therapist that many years ago he had made out with a 14 year old. He ran to tell the authorities and it ruined his life, so I think we should keep in mind that we can trust others, even therapists, to a certain degree only. I'm not saying by the way that what that man did to the 14 year old was right, but he had complete trust in his therapist to reveal it to him and boom his life is ruined and he regrets telling him. In this situation a therapist would be required to tell the authorities because there is an illegal activity going on, Fun. Normally therapists have confidentiality agreements with their clients. I agree with WWIU. You need a new therapist. IMO a female therapist would be better so you won't get the transference thing and develop fake feelings for the therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 IMO a female therapist would be better so you won't get the transference thing and develop fake feelings for the therapist. do you think that female therapist from the Geico Caveman commerical is taking new patients? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted March 11, 2007 Author Share Posted March 11, 2007 I agree with WWIU. You need a new therapist. IMO a female therapist would be better so you won't get the transference thing and develop fake feelings for the therapist. But they're not FAKE feelings, they're real! I went through a period of falling in love with him, then it cooled down because I realized he's married and it would be impossible to develop any type of a romantic relationship. Now it's at the point that I deeply like him but I'm not in the 'in love' phase any more so again it's still considered a real feeling, not fake. And in the meantime he's gone from being more into me to kind of backing off which hurt me at first but I think he saw I was falling too much for him which in hindsight I respect, but now things have leveled off and were fine until I got his letter about hiking his fee. I feel so betrayed and hurt I don't know how I will react to him at our next session Monday. I on the other hand would never betray him by leaving him for another therapist, and in fact am scared if I get another one on the side and if he finds out he'd feel so betrayed I couldn't risk losing him. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 I on the other hand would never betray him by leaving him for another therapist, This is a bit too much, dude. He is getting paid - remember that. This is a professional relationship... I'm sure he cares, but not enough to do it for free, haha. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted March 11, 2007 Author Share Posted March 11, 2007 This is a bit too much, dude. He is getting paid - remember that. This is a professional relationship... I'm sure he cares, but not enough to do it for free, haha. I totally get that and as I mentioned I'm passed the 'honeymoon in-love' phase WWIU said is callled transference and as my therapist said, is a normal healthy thing to feel. I do like him a lot as he is someone who listens to me and helps me tremendously, and yes for a fee which I accept. I do like how Mark B compared therapists to strippers - they make you feel special and loved but it's at a cost and at the end of the day they go home to their spouse and you are left without them. He really is a great person, when I was going through my break up, he had his friends invite me to have dinner with them on weekends so I wouldn't be alone. I feel like he goes out of his way to take care of me and it has always been on a professional level, I just feel like the fee increase is a wake up call that he's not a 'real' real friend, but a paid professional which is a blow to my esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
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