shellys-trying Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Well you aint seen nothing yet. Stick around. Some on this site feel it is their entitlement to cheat if absolutely all of their little "needs" aren't met. Unfortunately yes, there is. Man or woman. The ones you speak of obviously are dozing during that whole, love honour and cherish part of their vows, if they're M. If they aren't M but are what their partner would call a "committed relationship", well, I guess the cheaters ain't so committed.
fleeting Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 It depends how honest you want your spouse to be, what hurts worse knowing or not knowing...At least if you know you can make an informed decision... do you have to know every little detail probably not but you should still be made aware of the additional relationship if you are looking to fix things and move on. I suspect my partner is cheating on me with porno, adult chat rooms, and possibly meeting some of them. First I found the porn, then i found chat room evidence and now I am obsessed that he has taken it further and met these women. I am being eaten alive inside. But you're right The not knowing is tearing my to shreds and the fear of knowing terrifies me. So here I am stuck in a dark place with no where to turn. I feel I should leave him due to my suspicions but fear I am wrong. I will also get no peace because if I leave I will never really know the truth. If I stay I will also suffer. I have confronted him and he always ends up defensive and refusing to talk about it. I have giving him every opportunity to confess but he simply says he has entered these chat rooms through pure curiousity - I don't know what to think anymore. We have had problems in our relationship and i suppose this is what drove him. Should I forget the past and move on and work on fixing our relationship and put it down to a dark period in our relationship that resulted in him seeking solice elsewhere. I love him but what to do - i wish someone had an answer for me.
Guest Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 I cheated on my husband with a client of mine 3 times. I ended it but he keeps calling. I want my marriage to work. My husband doesn't know but I am afraid he may find out. Help! I feel horrible guilt but I don't want him to leave me. We have 2 young kids. Has anyone been in this position? Any advice?
shellys-trying Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 fleeting- if you suspect he's doing something, there's a good chance he is. They always deny then pitch their fits to sidetrack you. Keep digging and get the proof. Then confront him and give him the choice to dump his stupid ways or get out of your life. guest-unfortunately, you made a mistake by cheating, but if you're serious and love your spouse, I'd be to the point of rude with the OM and tell him it's over,you made a huge mistake and even change your phone number. This more than likely will make your spouse suspicious which is a good way to tell him about your A. It isn't right that you cheated and telling him will hurt him(I know, my H cheated on me), but I'd do it before the OM does. It's better coming from you. I had to get 2 calls from the OW's friend(whom OW had to call me;she was too cowardly to tell me). If you show your H how remorseful you are and how you'd never do it again(and you have to mean it too)then you just go from there. It should really be his choice to stay with you. Don't keep it from him because you're scared of losing him or your family. You weren't thinking of that when you cheated, were you? You've done taken the choice of him getting a say in if you cheat, don't take the choice of him staying as well because you wouldn't come clean about your A.
Andy L Posted April 8, 2007 Posted April 8, 2007 I cheated on my husband with a client of mine 3 times. I ended it but he keeps calling. I want my marriage to work. My husband doesn't know but I am afraid he may find out. Help! I feel horrible guilt but I don't want him to leave me. We have 2 young kids. Has anyone been in this position? Any advice? Dear, the problem is that if you tell your hubby about the only 3 sex encounters with the OM (and i think you should tell..) maybe your hubby can imagine you're still with the affair. Try to convince him about your feelings and about the end of this affairs. good luck
Virgo1982 Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 It depends how honest you want your spouse to be, what hurts worse knowing or not knowing...At least if you know you can make an informed decision... do you have to know every little detail probably not but you should still be made aware of the additional relationship if you are looking to fix things and move on. I have friends who have gone through these changes, and of course, I've been the OW. One thing I've noticed is that the betrayed partner typically decides to stay although the relationship is ruined after the other partner comes clean. Then, they spend most of their time reflecting on the infidelity and expressing their frustrations-years and years later. I don't know if it's worth it to tell the other person. Sometimes, infidelity brings couples closer. As in "I Think I Love My Wife." Though that is a movie...
michelangelo Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 Must be annoying to listen to all that pain when a person has caused it, eh?
amerikajin Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 Ah..so you crossed out "mother"...so she cheats on me and basically ruins things...but you take a stab like that like it is HER happiness that matters here and not mine. But you go ahead and defend a cheater. And trying to save my kids futures may be a joke to you...but it isn't to me. I just may divorce my wife over this...but one thing is for sure, my kid's futures will be f#cked up because of it. I think a lot of people on this forum are confusing the explanation of cheating and adjusting to the aftermath in practical terms with a defense of cheating. I don't think anyone here is defending cheating, or saying it's a good idea or that it won't cause harm; cheating does all of that. But if I may, I think one reason why I've never been cheated on is because I've always sensed when things were getting weird between me and my ex's. And at some point we ended up talking about problems in our relationships. And I guess at some point, either I or my partner have decided it's best to move on. I've known a few people who've been cheated on, and I can't say any one of them really came as much of a surprise to me. The relationships were typically dysfunctional and everyone knew it - and yet somehow it came as a bit of a shock to the aggrieved party when they found out about their partner's affair. Long-term relationships aren't the same as dating, Crumb. If you were just dating each other and had no kids, I'd say dump her. But you've got too much invested in this to just walk around with a chip on your shoulder. You've got to talk to her and you've also got to accept that things are never going to be the same between you two ever again, which is not the end of the world - relationships almost always change anyway. The nature of love changes with time, even in the most successful of relationships. Focus more on being practical. Focus on being a good parent first, and try to be a flexible husband but someone who still demands accountability. I would not walk around with the presumption of moral superiority. That's the easiest thing to do when you've been cheated on but it almost never solves the problem. Then again, people have to ask themselves if they want their relationship problems solved in the first place.
lindya Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 I've known a few people who've been cheated on, and I can't say any one of them really came as much of a surprise to me. The relationships were typically dysfunctional and everyone knew it - and yet somehow it came as a bit of a shock to the aggrieved party when they found out about their partner's affair. I second this. I've been cheated on once, and it was certainly not a healthy relationship. Others pointed this out to me (and his friends to him) but neither of us listened, because shared dysfunctional patterns of thinking and relating often result in a very addictive connection. That's not to suggest for a moment that everyone who has ever been cheated on is in an unhealthy pattern from which they need rescued with therapy. I think, though, that even the most "normal" people can operate on a faulty emotional level in some situations. Certain partners, and traumatic events like cheating, can exaggerate and bring to the fore all those flaws. I read Salicious Crumb, and on one level they frustrate me - then I remember that I had some of the same thinking, though not nearly as extreme as he's expressing, for a while after I'd been cheated on. How dare this person whose "angel" I had been, treat me so badly? When people feel like innocent victims, they can become preoccupied with dreaming of ways of punishing the person who hurt them as a way of regaining the upper hand. Divine retribution. As long as you're in that cycle, you continue to be a victim. I think that's what we're all trying to say in amongst these efforts to pull people out of that bitter, destructive victim mentality - but understandably, those trapped in it view those efforts as attacks and become very defensive. ("who are you to say I'm not emotionally healthy? My partner wronged me, but it's my fault? WTF?"). It's not the "victim's" fault - but it is his or her responsibility to not let one betrayal sour his or her whole outlook on relationships.
michelangelo Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 One of the most valuable functions of a board such as this is that allows people to vent about their situations. world weary commentaries don't always sink in for someone who wants to vent. statements that imply a "dude, get over it, you've gone toxic" message might not be what someone who is venting about their pain needs to hear at that point in their life. It takes some people quite a but longer to get over having an unfaithful spouse than what others think is right. Telling 'em that one has always known when their spouse is being a cheat or that one has never been cheated on because of one' sensitivity to such things just amplifies a betrayed persons sense of failure and anger. Not everyone's experience is the same, of course. So a right path to resolution for one person may include accepting some blame for another's action, the decision to cheat. However, this is not to say that this is true path for all. Some people who cheat are flat out so sneaky that their spouse has no clue. So getting back to my point about venting. Expressing a level of anger and bitterness on a board such as this may very well be the thing that keeps a betrayed and disappointed spouse able to act normally in their life. So seeing those postings here causes some people to try to "correct" such a poster's outlook. That poster's outlook may very well not need correcting. There is venting going on.
Frances Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 One of the most valuable functions of a board such as this is that allows people to vent about their situations. It takes some people quite a but longer to get over having an unfaithful spouse than what others think is right. So getting back to my point about venting. Expressing a level of anger and bitterness on a board such as this may very well be the thing that keeps a betrayed and disappointed spouse able to act normally in their life. I agree. Being able to vent about how I feel on this site has helped me to act as normal as possible while I am trying to recover from my h EA.
Salicious Crumb Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 Long-term relationships aren't the same as dating, Crumb. If you were just dating each other and had no kids, I'd say dump her. But you've got too much invested in this to just walk around with a chip on your shoulder. You've got to talk to her and you've also got to accept that things are never going to be the same between you two ever again, which is not the end of the world - relationships almost always change anyway. The nature of love changes with time, even in the most successful of relationships. Focus more on being practical. Focus on being a good parent first, and try to be a flexible husband but someone who still demands accountability. I was flexible..and it was taken advantage of. So now she lost that. I would not walk around with the presumption of moral superiority. That's the easiest thing to do when you've been cheated on but it almost never solves the problem. Its not a question of moral superiority. Its a question of knowing right and wrong. Its a question of claiming to love someone then going off and screwing around with someone else.
Salicious Crumb Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 II read Salicious Crumb, and on one level they frustrate me - then I remember that I had some of the same thinking, though not nearly as extreme as he's expressing, for a while after I'd been cheated on. How dare this person whose "angel" I had been, treat me so badly? When people feel like innocent victims, they can become preoccupied with dreaming of ways of punishing the person who hurt them as a way of regaining the upper hand. Divine retribution. As long as you're in that cycle, you continue to be a victim. What punishment? Laying down ground rules if the marriage is to survive? I don't remind her of it on a daily basis....She will be reminded if she thinks she can go out drinking and come home at the wee hours of the morning ever again. And don't confuse gaining an upper hand with refusing to be a doormat any longer. I think that's what we're all trying to say in amongst these efforts to pull people out of that bitter, destructive victim mentality - but understandably, those trapped in it view those efforts as attacks and become very defensive. Not true...however, there are people on this forum that will try to put the blame on the betrayed. And most of that comes from people who have cheated and are trying to justify their own selfishness. ("who are you to say I'm not emotionally healthy? My partner wronged me, but it's my fault? WTF?"). Well...it is an attack when someone that was betrayed is being told that it is their fault they were betrayed. The only time I may agree with that argument is when someone was cheated on because they are physically or mentally abusive. But sorry...not being a mind reader, or not doing everything exactly perfect in a relationship is no excuse to cheat on your SO. It's not the "victim's" fault - but it is his or her responsibility to not let one betrayal sour his or her whole outlook on relationships. Well...I won't lie there...it has soured mine. Even if I get divorced over this, I'll never make a committment again.
amerikajin Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 I was flexible..and it was taken advantage of. So now she lost that. That's fair, Sal -- I would feel the same way, I'm sure. But where do you go from here? Do you hold the grudge? Or do you move on? Do you try to make the best of things? Or do you keep living in the past? The past is where you pain is; that pain only continues into the future if you choose to hold onto it and bring it into the future with you. The grudge is like a ball and chain...your can free yourself. I think the Bible makes some reference to this, does it not? Its not a question of moral superiority. Its a question of knowing right and wrong. Its a question of claiming to love someone then going off and screwing around with someone else. I understand that. Look, people sometimes do *****ty things to us -- that's just a fact of life. I had a good roommate and trusted friend who ended up "borrowing" $350 of mine and then dropped out of sight. I know it's not a significant other but it's a relationship nonetheless. I had many of the same feelings: betrayal, anger, a thirst to track him down and get revenge. He still owes me. I could probably find him, but I decided it wasn't worth getting the debt settled. Too much effort. Too much negativity. Some might call me a wuss, and who knows...maybe I am. But I know I have felt a lot better since I decided not to be angry about it. I know, too, that if I saw him again I could confront him, but in a way that wouldn't boil my blood. The real difference, though, Salicious is that you actually live with the source of your anger; I don't. You have a far greater need to deal with this in a practical way; I really couldn't be fooked either way in my case. You could divorce, but what would that grant you -- you still would have to see this person, and as much as this sucks, you have no guarantee you would get primary visitation. The courts don't look at who cheated; they look at who's going to be the best parent and who's going to provide an environment that kids will like -- and they typically assume that mommy knows best. This is the real world man. Live in the real world, not some pie-in-the-sky world where you assume that you can make wrong, right. Accept things you cannot control, and control only what you know you can. Don't look at this as "I got played the fool" or "she got over on me" -- no need for that. You almost always lose in that situation; you almost always win when you decide "You know, I'll make the best of this, whatever happens." Don't let it tear away at you. I mean, this is why I think you have to hold cheating spouses accountable, but at the same time, holding them accountable is not necessarily leaving -- that's a permanent solution to what may or may not be a permanent problem.
Ruby Tuesday Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 I enjoy reading Salacious Crumbs' posts very much. He is probably one of the most intelligent and honorable men I have read here on Loveshack. He does not ever act like a doormat to anyone, and it is THAT kind of behavior that I have contempt for in a BS, especially a man. He is smart and funny and PS I think he is the last person who needs to be told about affairs and how to handle it. I have friends who have gone through these changes, and of course, I've been the OW. One thing I've noticed is that the betrayed partner typically decides to stay although the relationship is ruined after the other partner comes clean. Then, they spend most of their time reflecting on the infidelity and expressing their frustrations-years and years later. ~Virgo 1982~ Must be annoying to listen to all that pain when a person has caused it, eh? ~Michaelangelo~ Right on Mike! Virgo, It can only be experienced to understand. As the OW, you are on the other side. You knowingly partake in a relationship that causes this exact kind of destruction to another human being. Yes, it is devistating. Truely it has to be absolutely the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I am a BW and it will take alot more than an affair to break us, cause what we have can never be ruined. Like I told the OW when she cocked off to me about my marriage, he is my husband, and I don't mean on paper. I mean in all ways a wife and husband belong together. She would then laugh that he was her friend, but the way I see things, REAL FRIENDS don't try to help come between a man and a wife. It's actually the most couragous thing I have ever done with my life to stay with my husband after such a huge betrayal. The OW went psycho and pulled alot of numbers to proove she was a miserable POS wanabee. My marriage can not be replicated through an other woman. I will never feel the same way about another man like I do my husband. When he was in the affair he used to say "she's alot like you" but she is nothing like me. Not even close to being like me. If she was like me is because she mimicked me, she dressed like me and tried to be like me. Shes blonde and has three children like me, and maybe she can even fu*ck him as hard and as good as me, but I have more class and more honor in my little pinky than she has in her whole body and thats where the distinction lies. I don't fu*ck married men. It goes against everything I believe in. As much pain as my husbands infidelity has caused me, it only pushed us closer together in the end instead of driving us apart. WE have history together. We grew up together. We have alot of memories and experinces that can never be replaced. What you dont know is alot, lady.
Salicious Crumb Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 That's fair, Sal -- I would feel the same way, I'm sure. But where do you go from here? Do you hold the grudge? Or do you move on? Move on, but with the guard no longer down. However, divorce still isn't off the table at this point. But I'm trying my damndest for my children. Do you try to make the best of things? I don't think it is possible to make anything good out of living with someone that betrayed you in the worst way...we will have to see. The courts don't look at who cheated; They should. they look at who's going to be the best parent and who's going to provide an environment that kids will like I would think cheating would come into play here. The cheater didn't think enough of the family and kids to keep from getting f#cked by someone other than their mother or father. I would think that a jury wouldn't want the kids raised by someone with those kind of values.
Art_Critic Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 I would think that a jury wouldn't want the kids raised by someone with those kind of values. It is a divorce.. you get a judge.. not a jury of your peers.. You get a jury of your peers when you are being accused of something criminal.. I don't know if you could request a jury or not.. but in the divorces that I know of only a judge has ever heard the case. and honestly I wouldn't think you would want your case heard by a jury of her/your peers being that at least some of them would have cheated on a spouse at one time or another.. I also believe that mistakes being made by carrying this grudge would also count against you and not for you that you would want a judge to put this in perspective.
Ripples Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 There's a big difference in forgiving and accepting, Salacious. It's possible to never forgive your wife but accept that she's learnt by her mistakes, that she's taking steps to put things right, that she's now being the best wife and mother she can be now. By refusing to see all the positives and to forever hold against her what she did, you are damaging yourself. So not only did she damage you and your relationship before you were married, you are continuing that damage since finding out and thus ensuring the relationship can't heal from the first blow. Am I right in thinking she cheated when you weren't married and before you had children? You've given me the impression that you live a fairly regular life when with your wife, you don't discuss with her what she did and how much it still hurts you. So, not only did she create a relationship that had a huge element of falsehood whilst you were engaged, you are perpetuating that falsehood by continuing to give her the idea you have moved on and either accepted or forgiven her. I think that it takes a very strong person to be able to move on and accept what their cheating spouse did, to not hold a grudge and to not let it taint the rest of the relationship. I wasn't able to do it.
amerikajin Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 Move on, but with the guard no longer down. However, divorce still isn't off the table at this point. But I'm trying my damndest for my children. Well, that's good that you're trying - keep trying. But it seems to me that you are characterizing yourself into a type of martyr, which I think is a mistake. Your wife may, in fact, feel some guilt, which she should; but the more you continue to hold on to this, she will get emotionally fatigued of this as well - and I'm sorry, people have the right to be forgiven, Crumb. People have the right to move on in their lives. She may not have the right to stay married to you, as that is your choice. But if you cannot expect her to stay married to you while you simmer beneath the surface -- and believe me, she surely knows that you're simmering. She can feel it. Simultaneously, you have the right to expect her to change -- without question. You have the right to expect her to work on the marriage. You have the right to expect her to be home with you watching a movie or talking about your relationship in a constructive manner. You have the right to expect her to go into counseling with you if you think it's a good way to repair your relationship. She has to hold up her end of the bargain, too. So I totally agree with you there. What I'm saying is that in order to do that, you *both* have to look beyond what has happened in the past. I know you can never forget what happened - nor should you. But you do have to start trying to pick up the pieces. It's understandable if you get suspicious if she comes home later than expected. It's understandable if you don't entirely trust her when you're at work and she's at home. But hopefully, if you work together on things and find a way to at least be friends, you can build up that trust. Which brings up a question: would you even say that you two are capable of a friendship at this point? Doesn't sound like it to me, but I want to hear you out. I don't think it is possible to make anything good out of living with someone that betrayed you in the worst way...we will have to see. That is where you are wrong, Sal. I totally agree that things may never be quite the same, but hell, mothers sometimes forgive murderers who took the lives of their sons. That doesn't mean they forget, and it doesn't mean that they stop feeling the pain, but they move on; they don't hold on to the anger. Her cheating on you was not your choice; holding on to the anger years into the future, is. Forgiving and trying to open up communication with her is not a sign of weakness at all, Sal; it's just the opposite, because it's probably the toughest thing you can do in a relationship when you feel you've been let down by someone you care about. Trying to work things out is what requires the real courage, because there's the possibility of failure. But whereas trying to work out a solution introduces a possibility of failure, holding on to the grudge introduces not the possibility of failure, but the certainty of it. Straight up: you can be angry and feel self-righteous all you want, but if you end up getting divorced withhout trying to forgive her and by being negative all the time, you will have been just as responsible for the failure of your marriage as she is. You may not want to believe that is true, but it most definitely is. I would think cheating would come into play here. The cheater didn't think enough of the family and kids to keep from getting f#cked by someone other than their mother or father. Indeed, that much is true. But they, like me, probably believe that cheating, while not right, does not happen in a vacuum, and that divorce is not an inevitable consequence of adultery. They're going to look at you just as much, if not more than, her. I would think that a jury wouldn't want the kids raised by someone with those kind of values. They are going to look at a lot of things. They may or may not come to the same conclusion as you do. You do not want to get the government involved in your personal life, Sal. That is when things get really, really f-ed up.
Salicious Crumb Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 It is a divorce.. you get a judge.. not a jury of your peers.. Ok then...I would think a judge would care about kids being raised by someone who didn't care enough about them or the family to destroy it. Shows you how many divorces I have been through...LOL. I also believe that mistakes being made by carrying this grudge would also count against you and not for you that you would want a judge to put this in perspective. Well if I was going through a divorce..there would be no grudge...we'd be ending it. And I would think the judge would realize that the cheated didn't ask for this to happen...they didn't ask for the destruction of his/her family. And BTW...when you cheat on your spouse...you cheat on your children.
Salicious Crumb Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Am I right in thinking she cheated when you weren't married and before you had children? Yes...of what I have proof of, she cheated before marriage and I didn't find out until years later. So in contrast to the title of this thread...she should have told me. She robbed me of the right to know so I could have a choice in the matter. and I highly suspect, after finding out that she has been unfaithful pre-marriage, that she has cheated during marriage....i.e. going out to clubs with friends and coming home at 4am when the club closes at 1 or 2. You've given me the impression that you live a fairly regular life when with your wife, you don't discuss with her what she did and how much it still hurts you. No...we discussed it...it has been 8 months roughly since I found out. I told her there were now ground rules if she wants to keep the family together. First and foremost, no more going out with her friends to clubs...and since her friends lied to my face about her whereabouts after the clubs close...they are not allowed in our house and I don't want to see them at all. So, not only did she create a relationship that had a huge element of falsehood whilst you were engaged, you are perpetuating that falsehood by continuing to give her the idea you have moved on and either accepted or forgiven her. No....she knows I haven't moved on...I told her there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about what she did...and what she is. I think that it takes a very strong person to be able to move on and accept what their cheating spouse did What is to accept? to not hold a grudge and to not let it taint the rest of the relationship. I wasn't able to do it. And neither will I more than likely. But we will have to see. I do know this....I was understanding and didn't mind watching our kids while she went out with her friends. Now I no longer trust her and I refuse to sit at home while she goes out. I now expect my wife to act like a wife...not a single college girl. If she doesn't like those terms in an effort to keep the family together like she claims...then I can have her bags packed for her toot sweet.
amerikajin Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Yes...of what I have proof of, she cheated before marriage and I didn't find out until years later. So in contrast to the title of this thread...she should have told me. She robbed me of the right to know so I could have a choice in the matter. and I highly suspect, after finding out that she has been unfaithful pre-marriage, that she has cheated during marriage....i.e. going out to clubs with friends and coming home at 4am when the club closes at 1 or 2. No...we discussed it...it has been 8 months roughly since I found out. I told her there were now ground rules if she wants to keep the family together. First and foremost, no more going out with her friends to clubs...and since her friends lied to my face about her whereabouts after the clubs close...they are not allowed in our house and I don't want to see them at all. No....she knows I haven't moved on...I told her there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about what she did...and what she is. What is to accept? And neither will I more than likely. But we will have to see. I do know this....I was understanding and didn't mind watching our kids while she went out with her friends. Now I no longer trust her and I refuse to sit at home while she goes out. I now expect my wife to act like a wife...not a single college girl. If she doesn't like those terms in an effort to keep the family together like she claims...then I can have her bags packed for her toot sweet. Well, I guess I can't really argue with this, Sal. I think what you're feeling is fair and justified. I, too, would be suspicious about her behavior in private given the circumstances you've describd. I guess what I'm saying is, try not to overdo it. Try to move on at some point and see if you two can work as a couple again. I think the fact that she's at least complying and abiding by the ground rules for now is a positive step, but I will say that at some point, you're going to have to return to a more 'normal' relationship (whatever that is).
Salicious Crumb Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 I think the fact that she's at least complying and abiding by the ground rules for now is a positive step, but I will say that at some point, you're going to have to return to a more 'normal' relationship (whatever that is). She may be complying with the ground rules...but she complains that she doesn't get to go to the clubs any more....translation to me..."I don't like that I can't go to the clubs and hook up with other guys any longer" When she complained of this I told her she can move out and go to the clubs all she wanted since the guys she wants to be with are there. She denies denies denies that she goes there for other guys...but her unaccounted whereabouts for a few hours after the clubs close tell me otherwise. I think I'm going to make her stay home and watch the kids while I go out and have a little fun....we'll see how she likes it.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 She may be complying with the ground rules...but she complains that she doesn't get to go to the clubs any more....translation to me..."I don't like that I can't go to the clubs and hook up with other guys any longer" When she complained of this I told her she can move out and go to the clubs all she wanted since the guys she wants to be with are there. She denies denies denies that she goes there for other guys...but her unaccounted whereabouts for a few hours after the clubs close tell me otherwise. I think I'm going to make her stay home and watch the kids while I go out and have a little fun....we'll see how she likes it. "Turnabout is fair play" only makes sense if you intend to get back at your wife "in kind." I don't think you would do that based on the hurt you have shared. You definitely have the right to be angry and unforgiving, but you seem to have lost sight of the fact that while your wife took away your "choice" to marry her, that you have always had the choice to remain married. I don't buy the whole "the kids would suffer" routine you keep boasting. Yes, it would be harder to give them all you could have, but it's not impossible. I have remained relentless in that if you choose to stay with your wife, you must forgive (and she atone) even though you should never forget. I honestly believe that until that is achieved you are doing more harm than good by remaining in the relationship. I know you say that you keep it to yourself other than venting on LS, but that seems far fetched in reality. It has to be apparent to your children that there is serious discord in your marriage. Kids are very in tune as to what is going on, but we parents think we have it all under control...until the kids are in therapy talking about what a farce their parents were partaking in.
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