Remorseful cheaters: do not "come clean" with your spouse.

[Oper Edei Deixai]

I'm pretty new here, but I've noticed that "coming clean" with your spouse about an affair is a pretty common recommendation. Well, I hate to be the fly in the ointment, but I couldn't possibly disagree more.

 

If you have an affair and, through your own volition, have decided to end the affair and concentrate on your marriage, chances are pretty good you're going to feel terribly guilty - and justifiably so. You're going to be told by people here that your spouse "needs to know" - that you should "come clean". No. That horrible empty feeling you have - that gnawing guilt eating away at the back of your head - that's your cross to bear.

 

The moment you unload your mistakes onto him or her, you've opened up their heart and forced them to carry your burden and share your misery and shame. You don't get to do that. The main reason people confess is that the guilt is eating them alive. That's just too bad.

 

If they find out - that's different

If you fall in love with someone else, don't want to work on your marriage and need a divorce - whatever

But if you have an affair and regret it - you get to hold that in ALONE.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to share another take on a common piece of advice I see here. Any thoughts? Agree/disagree?

[Trialbyfire]

Y'all know what I'm going to say about that...but here it is. What you're suggesting is the easy way out for the cheater, remorseful or not. It's the selfish way...one...more...time.

[Jinxx]

OED -- I totally agree.

[Oper Edei Deixai]

Y'all know what I'm going to say about that...but here it is. What you're suggesting is the easy way out for the cheater, remorseful or not. It's the selfish way...one...more...time.

 

I think you need to don your reading glasses and re-read my post.

 

Holding it in is NOT the easy way out for a remorseful cheater. Why do cheaters come clean, do you think?

 

"he/she has a right to know" - True, but that time is past. There is absolutely nothing positive to be gained by telling of the affair after the fact. Nothing. The only thing served is the dumping of the cheater's guilt right into the lap of the one person who will be most pained.

 

Listen - This advice does not apply to serial cheaters. I should have made that clear. They are in a category of their own and chances are if they told their spouse, it would be an insult to their intelligence anyway. Serial cheaters are NOT clever, or so I've read.

[Citizen Erased]

People suggest you come clean because in the adult world those who have been cheated on should have the right to decide whether or not to stay in a relationship after the affair. How can you possibly work on a relationship if both parties don't have all the facts? Nothing positive ever comes of deceit.

 

If you are able to have an affair and not be faithful to your partner then at least have the balls to tell your partner afterwards. If you choose to make the decision then your partner should have the choice as to whether they will stay with you.

[Trialbyfire]

I think you need to don your reading glasses and re-read my post.

 

Holding it in is NOT the easy way out for a remorseful cheater. Why do cheaters come clean, do you think?

 

"he/she has a right to know" - True, but that time is past. There is absolutely nothing positive to be gained by telling of the affair after the fact. Nothing. The only thing served is the dumping of the cheater's guilt right into the lap of the one person who will be most pained.

 

Listen - This advice does not apply to serial cheaters. I should have made that clear. They are in a category of their own and chances are if they told their spouse, it would be an insult to their intelligence anyway. Serial cheaters are NOT clever, or so I've read.

Aren't you a sweetheart?

 

Justify it all you want. A cheater has taken the spouses right to choice when they indulge in an affair. Anyone with any conscience would give the right back. I'll restate this in case you missed it, continue on with your selfish ways...one...more...time.

[Oper Edei Deixai]

Aren't you a sweetheart?

 

Justify it all you want. A cheater has taken the spouses right to choice when they indulge in an affair. Anyone with any conscience would give the right back. I'll restate this in case you missed it, continue on with your selfish ways...one...more...time.

 

Ummmm, I know I'm new and you don't know much about me, but I think you should know that the reason I am here is because my wife cheated on ME. I have never and would never look for intimacy outside my marriage. I've made it 12 years so far and I plan to continue my pattern of faithfulness until I die.

 

I won't lie, when I found out about my wifes affair, I wanted details. Who was he? how long did it last? when did it start?

 

My reasons for wanting to know had to be out of some sadistic need to let the pain in because she answered all of my questions, and every answer came like a knife to my heart. WHY DID I NEED TO KNOW?? She was crying as she told me, as was I. Did this knowledge help reconcile with my wife? Hell, no.

 

It gave hurt, hurt, and more hurt. But the affair was over. She was getting it off her chest - so I could decide what to do now. EXCUSE ME? You keep it on your own damn chest. She could have come at me with "we need to separate" and that would have snapped me into action along with her to start fixing or marriage, but without anguish of the knowledge that she dumped on me.

 

Oh well, regardless, I do see where your coming from, and I can understand the logic behind your opinion. I just don't happen to agree.

[Trialbyfire]

Then we shall agree to disagree. I'm a huge proponent of knowledge. Full disclosure helps with decision-making. For me, a marriage doesn't exist if it's not real. Sorry but I had to have the knowledge to make my decisions, as should any thinking person. The ostrich technique rarely works for anyone because sooner or later the truth will hit the fan regardless. Imagine finding out about it 30 years later. Can you imagine the pain? Food for thought.

[pricillia]

It depends how honest you want your spouse to be, what hurts worse knowing or not knowing...At least if you know you can make an informed decision... do you have to know every little detail probably not but you should still be made aware of the additional relationship if you are looking to fix things and move on.

[IpAncA]

Are you playing "it's better to not know then to know."

 

Would you have rather been kept in the dark about it? Since you were cheated on did you relationship end? Would you have rather had your SO cheating behind your back and kept the relationship the way it was?

 

Don't mind your SO cheating?

[dropdeadlegs]

I'm on board with the OP. I say this from the point of view that if my SO made a mistake, and I'm thinking more along the lines of a one night stand than a full blown affair, that I wouldn't want to know, and I would "bear the cross" if I made a terrible mistake.

 

I know it's a minority way of thought, but physical attraction wouldn't hurt me the way an emotional attraction would. A one time sexual fling would be forgivable, but I would still prefer not to know.

 

I agree that guilt is a hard thing to overcome but it should be a consequence for the offending partner.

 

I also agree that serial cheaters are scum, but people do make choices that they regret ,and when they only make that mistake once, they can learn from it and not repeat it.

[mrmaximum]

Then we shall agree to disagree. I'm a huge proponent of knowledge. Full disclosure helps with decision-making. For me, a marriage doesn't exist if it's not real. Sorry but I had to have the knowledge to make my decisions, as should any thinking person. The ostrich technique rarely works for anyone because sooner or later the truth will hit the fan regardless. Imagine finding out about it 30 years later. Can you imagine the pain? Food for thought.

 

Exactly, look at SC's case. Found out several years too late, yeah? I can see OED's point by keeping it in and not telling anyone, but it then you are benefitting from it by not letting your spouse know the truth whicm may mean the end of your marriage. Not the best for a long term commitment, yeah?

[Curmudgeon]

There is absolutely nothing positive to be gained by telling of the affair after the fact. Nothing.

 

Without disclosure you're living a lie, as is, unwittingly and unknowingly, your spouse.

 

Strong marriages are built on a foundation of truth and trust.

[Trialbyfire]

Exactly, look at SC's case. Found out several years too late, yeah? I can see OED's point by keeping it in and not telling anyone, but it then you are benefitting from it by not letting your spouse know the truth whicm may mean the end of your marriage. Not the best for a long term commitment, yeah?

That would be my opinion and experience. While it felt like torture for those months for me, every minute was worth it to find out more about who I had committed to. I must say it was quite the eye-opener but better living in reality than living a lie.

 

Perhaps the OP might want to consider some anger management classes. If you've been cheated on before, there's a lot of pent up pain and resentment, especially when you're trying to rebuild a relationship. In rebuilding, you don't always have the luxury of lashing out at the person(s) who has caused you all this pain.

[whichwayisup]

Remember Inapanic? She didn't want to confess her affair to her husband. It was over and done with, she tried for a long time to keep it to herself, but it ate her up. Eventually she came clean. Probably the hardest thing that she'd ever done in her life, but she was lucky! Her husband loved her enough to want to give her a chance to fix herself, and together work on the marriage.

 

Maybe some people could never tell, live with the lie and take it to the grave, but there are alot who couldn't live with that, so they told, and dealt with the consquences of their choices.

[Scrivdog]

OED is absolutely right. If you've already decided to end your affair and were somehow trying to make your marriage better, I can think of nothing worse than "coming clean". There is nothing concretely good that can come of it at all. It doesn't help the betrayed spouse in the least to know this.

 

Marriages, affairs, and divorce have less to do with facts and more to do with emotions. All this talk about "having all the information to make a decision" will only cause an irrational emotional reaction and a flurry of crappy advice from well meaning recent divorcees.

 

If on the other hand, you'd want to stick it to your spouse and maybe get him/her to initiate the divorce proceedings, then by all means go ahead.

 

And I do agree, OED, that the motivating factor in "coming clean", is usually an attempt to cleanse the cheater of guilt feelings. Like confession, I guess.

[whichwayisup]

I think more people are less inclined to tell the truth if it was just an emotional affair.

 

There's a new poster who has a crush on his co-worker, he has feelings for her but isn't going to let anything happen between them. (I hope!!) Anyway, in his situation nothing has happened between them, they haven't "talked" or crossed the lines with appropriate conversations or touching...SO, in that type of situation, there's no point in him telling his wife. UNLESS the marriage is on the rocks (which it isn't) and a wake up call needs to be announced. Many BS's say "if only I had known how bad things were, and how close my spouse was to cheating on me..." Then possibly talking about feelings/attraction for someone else could actually save the marriage before an A even happens.

[Trialbyfire]

OED is absolutely right. If you've already decided to end your affair and were somehow trying to make your marriage better, I can think of nothing worse than "coming clean". There is nothing concretely good that can come of it at all. It doesn't help the betrayed spouse in the least to know this.

 

Marriages, affairs, and divorce have less to do with facts and more to do with emotions. All this talk about "having all the information to make a decision" will only cause an irrational emotional reaction and a flurry of crappy advice from well meaning recent divorcees.

 

If on the other hand, you'd want to stick it to your spouse and maybe get him/her to initiate the divorce proceedings, then by all means go ahead.

 

And I do agree, OED, that the motivating factor in "coming clean", is usually an attempt to cleanse the cheater of guilt feelings. Like confession, I guess.

Scrivdog, have you ever cheated or been cheated on? Are you married or in an affair or both? Just curious where you're getting your experience from.

[Salicious Crumb]

I'm pretty new here, but I've noticed that "coming clean" with your spouse about an affair is a pretty common recommendation. Well, I hate to be the fly in the ointment, but I couldn't possibly disagree more.

 

If you have an affair and, through your own volition, have decided to end the affair and concentrate on your marriage, chances are pretty good you're going to feel terribly guilty - and justifiably so. You're going to be told by people here that your spouse "needs to know" - that you should "come clean". No. That horrible empty feeling you have - that gnawing guilt eating away at the back of your head - that's your cross to bear.

 

The moment you unload your mistakes onto him or her, you've opened up their heart and forced them to carry your burden and share your misery and shame. You don't get to do that. The main reason people confess is that the guilt is eating them alive. That's just too bad.

 

If they find out - that's different

 

Your damn right thats "different". My wife didn't have the "tits" to tell me she cheated before we were married. I found out years later and I resent the hell out of her for it. Big problem now is my 2 beautiful kids' lives hang in the balance.

 

So I completely disagree with you as someone that has to deal with finding out from someone else later.

 

The betrayed deserves to know so they can have the choice whether to stay in the relationship or not. I never got that choice and may have to destroy the lives of my kids over it now.

 

The only reason for not telling is pure selfishness...as if cheating wasn't the ultimate act of selfishness to begin with.

 

The betrayed deserve nothing less than the truth and the cheater needs to make it right sooner rather than later when the potential to hurt more than just the SO is at stake.

 

Believe me...I KNOW FIRST HAND!

[Salicious Crumb]

I think you need to don your reading glasses and re-read my post.

 

Holding it in is NOT the easy way out for a remorseful cheater.

 

Yes....it is.

[MySugaree]

Well, OED you've stepped into the middle of a hornet's nest. Fun, isn't it?

 

Your pragmatic approach doesn't have traction here. For many, Truth/Honesty is the greatest good, and trumps mere human considerations like the marriage's continuation. Many posters would rather see a broken marriage and ripped apart family than less than total Honesty. The Triumph of the Absolutes.

 

Absolutes scare me--especially when imposed on the multifariousness of life where shades of gray exist. Because I'm a human being first, I prefer to live by a utilitarian , not a Moral, calculus.

 

That makes my posts and musings here less certain(and predictable), but my life better managed.That's a trade-off I much prefer.

[Island Girl]

A friend of mine was in a mostly emotional affair. It ended at one kiss.

 

She had stopped there. Pulled away from the guy completely and started focusing on her husband and their marriage. She started talking to him about problems she/they were having.

 

Things were improving but she felt GUILTY. SO guilty. The key here is she felt guilty because she was remorseful - the cheating spouse who isn't remorseful doesn't carry any guilt. Not to beat a dead horse but there is a difference.

 

Anyway - She told her husband what had happened. All of it.

 

It was the worst thing she could have done. It created all of this insecurity on his part that was unnecessary. It caused more distance and problems between them when they were on the road to recovery before. And it seems to be something he carries around with him.

She says he did not need the weight of that and it has caused more problems between the two of them when it just could've been something she would have held the weight of since it was her mistake.

 

So here it is three years later and it is still a huge issue for him.

 

It is not just the questioning about where she is or what she's doing - she was expecting that and would gladly deal with that.

 

It is the pain he still carries around. It is the frustration he still vents daily. It is the snide comments he makes or innuendos he puts out there.

 

Their marriage is far worse now then it was before when she had the "affair". - And remember it was improving before she told him all of this.

 

------

 

I have another friend whose husband cheated on her.

 

They were having major problems and it caused them to separate (she didn't know they were separating because of an affair).

 

When the divorce papers were served he "woke up" and went to her and confessed.

They worked and worked at the marriage.

 

She was smart enough to NOT ask the details. The details just do more painful damage and are NEVER going to make the wronged person feel better.

 

So here it is 5 years later. They are better than they were before the affair. He has recommitted himself completely and STILL is an absolute open book to her about where he is, who he is with, and invites her to verify it.

 

Most of the time he is with her anyway. He truly has done a 180 degree turn around.

 

 

So it can go both ways.

[dropdeadlegs]

Well, OED you've stepped into the middle of a hornet's nest. Fun, isn't it?

 

Your pragmatic approach doesn't have traction here. For many, Truth/Honesty is the greatest good, and trumps mere human considerations like the marriage's continuation. Many posters would rather see a broken marriage and ripped apart family than less than total Honesty. The Triumph of the Absolutes.

 

Absolutes scare me--especially when imposed on the multifariousness of life where shades of gray exist. Because I'm a human being first, I prefer to live by a utilitarian , not a Moral, calculus.

 

That makes my posts and musings here less certain(and predictable), but my life better managed.That's a trade-off I much prefer.

I take it you would prefer not to express your thoughts on this? I would hope that your life doesn't have to take the brunt of your thoughts.

 

PS Absolutes scare me too!

[amerikajin]

Well, OED you've stepped into the middle of a hornet's nest. Fun, isn't it?

 

Your pragmatic approach doesn't have traction here. For many, Truth/Honesty is the greatest good, and trumps mere human considerations like the marriage's continuation. Many posters would rather see a broken marriage and ripped apart family than less than total Honesty. The Triumph of the Absolutes.

 

Absolutes scare me--especially when imposed on the multifariousness of life where shades of gray exist. Because I'm a human being first, I prefer to live by a utilitarian , not a Moral, calculus.

 

That makes my posts and musings here less certain(and predictable), but my life better managed.That's a trade-off I much prefer.

 

Well put.

 

p.s. Good to see you still visit Salem once in a while - despite the occasional witch hunt.

[Art_Critic]

Big problem now is my 2 beautiful kids' lives hang in the balance.

I never got that choice and may have to destroy the lives of my kids over it now.

The betrayed deserve nothing less than the truth and the cheater needs to make it right sooner rather than later when the potential to hurt more than just the SO is at stake.

 

First off SC I wanted say that I do agree that the person should be told.. I think the issue is the fact that the cheater is more concerned with themselves than with their partner.. they can hide behind the BS stance of not wanting to hurt their SO more..

 

You are right that they are also robbed of a Choice that was rightfully theirs to make.

 

On another note.. I disagree with your reasoning.. You seem like the type that your views haven't changed much in the years so I would guess that you would've dumped your soon to be wife if she had told you before you were married ??

 

With that being said I would like to point out that if your soon to be wife had told you the truth before you were married and you had dumped her.. like I think you might have... then it would also be true that you would NOT have the 2 kids that you have today..

 

I can also tell that you love your kids more than anything.. WELL ??

they are your kids today because she didn't tell you...

 

So you can see that there is even bad in the good side of telling..

 

Something to mull over since you have brought your children into it as being the reason you would've wanted to know...