Why do looks matter so much?

[WildCat]

Hi guys & girls! This post is mainly aimed at guys but if there are any girls who suffered fro the problem I have...please tell me how you solved it.

 

Here it is - I've never been loved and I believe I never will. I'm in my late twenties now and I never ever attracted anyone's eye. I always had to make the moves. Guys simply do not see me. And when I get to know a man, he wants to be my friend.

I'm not shy - I have lots of friends, male and female, gay and straight; I'm at ease with people.

 

I'm very bubbly and friendly but in the looks department, I'm nothing special. I'm not "ugly" but I'm far from being beautiful.

And I think that's what explains that things never go any further than friendship.

 

Looks matter so much - too much. Men read magazines full of photos of sexy women, they watch movies involving beautiful girls, and as a result, they are very demanding.

 

I feel that love will pass me by. Because I'm not good looking.

It might sound absurd to you - but bhelieve me, it's real. Men see me as a non sexual being because of my poor looks.

 

I used to think it didn't matter. Now all my peers are paired up and I'm the eternal singleton...and it sucks.

 

I am far from having enough money for plastic surgery. And anyway plastic surgery will not give me the sexual charisma that guys also look for in women. Yes, I lack in that too.

 

I've tried accepting that I'll never find a partner, but the idea is more and more difficult to bear.

 

I've tried telling myself "at least you have a talent for friendships, one cannot ask for everything". But having lots of friends isn't enough anymore.

 

Lately I've started feeling ashamed because I'm still single after all these years. I feel ashamed of being myself. Believe me, this never used to be the case. Years of being ignored by guys have done that to me.

 

Guys, why do looks matter so much to you?

 

And girls, is there anyone among you who is in the same situation as me? if so, how do you cope with the idea of perpetual loneliness (as in no relationship) ?

[yes]

here's what i've heard from guys:

 

- first of all, your body matters more than your face. Yes, a guy will pick a hot body with a less pretty face over a really pretty face with a not-so-nice body (all else equal)

 

- it's not the features, it's the expression of the face.

 

- sexiness isn't in the looks entirely, it's more in the attitude

 

- whatever you look like, make the best of it. gals who are overweight should NOT wear shirts that show the bellybutton, etc.

 

Finally, whether or not a guy will see you as a friend depends a lot on how you treat him.

 

I've seen women who are literally 'nothing-to-look-at' have crowds of men around them, and women who are really pretty have nobody.

 

Take me as an example - I'm about average in looks, perhaps a tad above avg. However, several years ago, i had NO dates and i couldn't get any. Since then, my attitude towards men changed, and here I go - lots of guys ask me out.

 

It can be as simple as going from baggy clothes to sexy clothes, and not acting as the guy's buddy.

 

Disclaimer: i didn't mean to offend you - just in case something i said sounds offensive to you =)

 

Good luck,

-yes

[Tony T]

You are defeating yourself with your attitude.

 

Instead of whining, take some action. Lose some weight if you need to. Get some different clothes if you need to. And by all means change your attitude to a positive one. Men can pick up vibrations a mile away and if a lady doesn't think she's attractive enough for a male...the male sure as hell isn't going to think she's attractive enough.

 

I am just average looking...maybe a little less than average...but I have more women after me at any given time than Elvis did...Tom Cruise...Brad Pitt...and on and on. These women are after me because I have a positive attitude about myself...and I don't project the feeling that I am defeated.

 

If you're going to make yourself attractive to the opposite sex, read yes post above one more time...change the way you think about yourself...and your entire life will change. You would absolutely be shocked at the number of men who will come after you if you just feel good about yourself. But if you don't, they won't either.

[Patty]

This is from my opinion.

 

Men like girls who:

 

1.happy with theirself

2.positive about everything

3.smile

4.are honest

5.have a nice personality and can treat each other 50/50,and want to spend their life with a happy person / look like their in a good mood

 

I think in my opinion to make a long story short every man wants a girl that is fun to be with and most of all a girl thats very positive about life.

 

I used to think when I was younger that guys would only go after blondes and thought blondes were more prettier.But now I don't think that at all.I think it has alot to do with personality.

 

Patty

[clia]

Everyone is completely correct!

 

Looks absolutely make a difference for that initial connection. But looks certainly aren't everything. It's more the "inner you" that shines through if you are happy, confident, and fun to be around. I've seen many an average girl with loads of guys around her because of her attitude. And I see a huge difference in my own life when I'm down and sad vs. when I'm feeling super confident and happy with things.

 

But, that said, take an objective look at yourself and see if there is anything you can easily improve on. A new hair cut, dressing a little more sexy, which you can do without being trashy, losing a couple of pounds, wearing high heels, getting a manicure (guys notice nice nails big time!), etc. Actually, I caugh Oprah's show this morning and they changed one thing (hair cut, make up, etc.) on a bunch of people and wow, what a difference! Have one of the ladies at the Estee Lauder counter apply your make up one day and show you how to do it correctly. (NOT saying you don't...just giving suggestions since I don't know you!)

 

Learn to flirt. You need to get yourself out of the "let's be friends" mindset. If a guy ignores you, be a little snotty. Guys like what they can't get.

 

Do not be ashamed of where you are at. You just have not met the right guy yet. You are young. Listen, I'm also in my late 20s, but I never worry about ending up alone. I know I won't. I also can look objectively at the guys my friends are married to and know those aren't the kinds of guys I want.

[Bill]

Looks aren't everything, but I would not go out with someone I'm not attracted to. Just because you think you're not pretty doesn't mean someone else doesn't. I could look at a girl and think she's pretty, but another guy might disagree.

 

The problem here might be you not feeling good about yourself. Do what everyone here says, go out and "get a new look".

[WildCat]

Look -

1 - I am not overweight (I'm 8 stones, I guess that's ok???)

2 - I have a good wardrobe

3 - I have good hair and a good haircut

4 - above all, I am NOT whining.

 

And all the above are the very reasons why I have concluded that my very plain looks were the only reasons why I do not get any dates.

As one of you said, looks matter for the initial connection, and said initial connection is precisely what I'm not getting.

As for the eternal "change your attitude, it's got to be in your mind" sort of thing, it's a very standard, usual, and forgive me, incorrect explanation. It's simply what all the lucky people out there say.

"stop whining, it's all your fault" they go. They forget to say that they're good looking and they've got someone who loves and respect them. Thus their so called "good attitude".

Try being a reject for 10 years and trust me, your "jolly attitude" will go and you'll be classified among the "whiners".

Luck and happiness are easily lost, maybe all those of you who called me a whiner and assumed I was simply a sily girl eating too much chocolate need to learn that.

[Elizabeth]

Ah, another Brit newly registered on this forum.

Actually I registered to post a reply to this thread :-)

You see I've had the same problem : "how can I love myself when no one else does". It's a very common affliction. We all need to be accepted and eventually loved.

I've solved the depression - without having to find "Mr Right".

Cat, I understand where you're coming from but maybe the people who answered your post also have a point.

I can see how a lonely life and accumulated disappointment over 10 years or so can have driven you to depression.

But on the other hand, it is unfortunately true that unhappiness is a "turn off" - leading to one of the cruel ironies of life : it's when we need love the most that it eludes us the most.

It is true to say that other people "pick up" on what we could call your "negative vibes".

From reading your first post, I can see why you might think your attitude isn't the problem. You have friends, you're not shy, people don't generally "push you away". It's just when it comes to relationships. But you see, the reason why you have friends is because you're confident in your ability to find news pals.

The day you apply that same confidence to finding a man, be he "Mr Right" or not, you'll get asked out to dates, you probably will have to fight guys off with a stick!

Be as open and approachable to potential dates as you are to potential friends.

And if you'd like to take it further with one of your friends, don't let yourself be stoped by thoughts such as "he finds me ugly that's why we're friends and nothing else". Maybe the guy thinks along the lines of "I'm scared of ruining a good freindship", and that's why he isn't making the move you're waiting for.

Last bit of advice - stop looking for love. Enjoy life, take it day by day. As you said, happiness is easily lost. So enjoy whatever joy life gives you. Make the most of it. It isn't the joy of love? So be it, you have other sources of joy, don't you?

Good luck

~ Liz ~

[lostone]

From a man:

 

I've always loved a woman who can arouse my intellect as well as my loins. Looks are important for me and might I say, most men. I can say the same for most women that I know: they want the lookers.

 

You have gotten A LOT of good advice from the nice people here!

 

Set yourself some realistic goals that you can complete: weight, hair, clothes, attitude and go and get what you want. Hang out at your areas of interest and you might find someone whom has the same interest's as you. That should be a start.

 

I'm in a horrible relationship right now and I do not think that there is anything wrong with being alone and happy.

 

Best of luck

[quankanne]

I think most people are attracted to a sexy attitude; a person's looks can be icing on the cake.

 

I have a friend from my college days who is a divorced dad and therefore doesn't have a whole lot of excess money for dating, who is slowly working toward a college degree. He's overweight but clean-looking, and I think he's probably the most incredibly sexy guy I know because of how he carries himself and how he makes a woman feel about herself. it's something about charisma, because I've known much more handsome guys who just don't have "it" the way my buddy does, and I'm convinced it's all because of his attitude.

 

And there are some women out there who are like that. Their looks are average, but their personalities just dazzle you. So, I've got to cast my vote with "change your attitude." If you believe you're sexy and attractive, chances are, so will others.

[InLoveForSure]

Coming from someone who knows:

 

I am average looking, and even a bit overweight, and had problems for years finding a quality guy. I finally decided to stop looking and put my energy into family and friends. Luckily I have a very loving family and lots of friends, so I learned to be content with that.

 

I figured I was wasting my time thinking I needed a man to be happy, and the people in my life could be my happiness. I spent all my time with these people, as they made me feel good, no matter what my hair looked like, no matter how big my butt looked in my jeans....

 

Funny enough, this is when I finally began to be approached by men. I figure it is because I was finally confident! Being that I was no longer "looking" , and I was just doing what made me happy, I believe that changed my whole auroa. I was truly happy. I wasnt out to impress anyone.

 

But even then, I never met any quality men. The relations were still very superficial.

 

Finally, I met a wonderful man, who loves me more for my mind and heart, than my looks. But he also thinks I am beautiful, and tells me everyday. I dont consider myself to be "lucky". I consider myself a lot like you- which is why I am responding. (Not that you are unlucky, please dont take offense)

I met this man over the phone- that explains it- right? Not really, he is genuinely a nice guy. We got to know each other before ever meeting, so looks didnt play a role.

 

My point is, you dont want the guys who look for beauty queens. And, you dont want to hear that- I know. But it really is important to find someone with half a brain, who would like a woman with one as well

 

But at the same time, I think it is very important to feel SEXY!! If you dont already, you need to know that you ARE sexy, and you need to show that to the world!! Always do and wear what makes you feel the best, sexiest, and most confident. You seem like you have it all, you need to let everyone know that you DO!!

 

Please be patient, I know that you will find someone, and that someone will love EVERYTHING about you. Accept no less.

 

Good luck!

[HokeyReligions]

You said you've nver been loved and Believe You Never Will.

 

That may be the attitude everyone is talking about - that belief that you never will be loved. I used to feel that way. Men passed me by like a flattened speed-bump. I didn't go on a real date until after I was out of high school. I tried to change myself so that I could attract someone. That didn't work - I want someone to love me for who I am and not for a fake personality or painted exterior. Paint fades and fake personalities are damn hard to maintain.

 

I finally (in my late 20's) was working at a part-time job while going to college and not thinking about dating or men or anything when I met my husband. I did not meet him in school (I went to an almost all-girl school), I met him through my job. I had been in this state for a little over a year and had not made any new friends or dated at all. I decided to go back to school and the job that I found was one of those survey takers we see in the malls. I did a survey with my husband about answering machines. I flirted shamelessly and tried to pretend I was wearing a size 8 not 18. I actually dated two guys that I met at that job. I married the second one. I was NOT looking at the time - I was focused on ME and my future.

 

I have a male friend who just turned 48 I think. He has some physical problems and I guess is considered ugly. He is very shy and totally not assertive. The only reason we are friends is because someone in my highschool clique was friends with him and we felt sorry for him so dragged him along with us. There is nothing he can do to change his looks - he is what he is. He is clean and a nice guy. He's asked girls out before but no one ever said yes. He never asked me because our relationship was established as friends right away. So, here is someone who is nearly 50 and has never had a date, or kissed anyone. It's funny, but he's the only friend I stay in touch with from highschool.

 

What I'm trying to say is, my relationship with this friend was established as a friend first. Maybe if you flirt a little, right off the bat when you meet someone, it will change things a little, but don't change who you are just to get a man. If a guy doesn't want the real you, then he's not the guy for you! I've been down that road too. I dieted myself into poor health when I was around 18 or so, colored my hair and wore the wrong shoes. Just so I could get some dates. I did date a lot then, but I wasn't really happy because I knew if I let myself be natural those guys would have run for the hills! I dated one jerk for 9 months once just because I could wear my highest heels and he was still taller than me! I didn't even like him, but I was so thirsty to be dating like my friends that I stayed with him. We broke up because he got tired of taking NO for an answer. When I started being more comfortable and stopped wearing those horrible painful shoes (I have very bad feet) and decided that I was fine w/o a guy so I might as well do what I enjoy, is when I met my husband. I also stopped looking at appearance. My husband was short, fat, and balding when we met and he still is but even more so now!

[Angel]

I found this helpful for myself.

 

When I first got divorced and went out into the dating scene again---I had no clue as to what men were attracted to so I started to OBSERVE the women who had the men. ...And many men are shallow (sorry guys). After a while I noticed a pattern. The women were usually petite, light hair (not necessarily blonde) shoulder length or a little above the shoulder (but not SHORT) casually styled hair (NO FANCY UP-DO). They were dressed a little sexy (not trashy) and smiled a lot (a lot).

 

Although I got attention from men already, I got a lot more when I let my hair grow and lightend it a little---and tried to smile a lot more. I didn't change myself at all----just made myself a little less sophisticated looking(in my case). Men like a woman to be happy (smile a lot) a little sexy and feminine. It drives them crazy. Accentuate your best features. If you have nice legs, show a little (etc).

 

It's all superficial bs, but it worked for me.

 

It's like selling a house---curbside appeal they call it. Mow the lawn and a fresh coat of paint. Same house ---but it sells faster.

 

Hope that helps.

[LostInTheDrift]

I understand. I'm male, but I've felt that same fear. I'm a couple of years older than you, and at various stages events in my life have left me feeling immensely unnattractive. It's not necessarily true, but if you really *feel* that way about yourself then loneliness becomes a terror that you can't erase. Oh sure, it's okay to be independent, and yes, it's true that 'love' probably can't solve anything. But if you feel you have no choices anyway, this is scant consolation.

 

 

I would guess you feel people are minimising and invalidating your opinion here?

 

 

On the other hand, I think it was Nick Cave who sang, "Far worse to be Love's lover than the lover that love has scorned", which turns certain old cliches on their head. Having come out of a failed long-term relationship, I would suggest sometimes another person can only make things worse, so beware the seduction of the wrong person finding you wonderful.

 

I'd just like to add this by way of postscript. I knew a girl who has many, many male friends and no romance. She is, I suppose, somewhat 'plain' in classical terms of reference and as a result always conveyed a pally, sort of ladette persona. Well I happen to know at least three of her so-called mates who were deeply attracted to her, but never asked her out because they had become her friend, and didn't want to jeopardise that.

[midori]

Lots of good feedback to the original question. I'm an American who happens to know a lot of Brits (roommate, friends, ex boyfriend) and I will say that the way dating happens in the UK (or rather, doesn't happen) might be adding to your dilemma.

 

The whole "pretend to just be friends, go out in groups, get drunk and then spend the evening snogging in the corner of a pub, retire to one or the other's apartment for a nice round of sex and then don't call each other for two weeks because neither wants to appear too keen" thing is bizarre. One of my British friends moaned to me a few months ago, "I've met this girl at a party and we hit it off and I think I'm meant to ask her out on a date. But I'm not sure that she's actually interested in me that way, so how can I ask her out?"

 

Another (male) British friend here had a close friendship with an American woman who, we all agreed, was perfect for him. They were friends for years, and their rapport was so good -- but he denied having any interest in her. We all suspected differently (don't know if she did) but he was adamant that it was purely platonic. They planned a trip together last summer, shared hotel rooms, etc. Nothing happened on the holiday until the last night, when finally, he worked up the (drunken) courage to kiss her. And they've been together ever since and are happy. We (his friends) were and are delighted for them, and when I spoke to him for the first time after they returned from their holiday, I asked him if he was surprised -- after all, he'd been so sure that he wasn't attracted to her. He sheepishly admitted that had been a lie, that he'd always been attracted to her but hadn't had the guts to act on it. In part because he liked her so much as a friend that he didn't want to risk messing that up. But good grief -- they could have been together two years ago had he spoken up.

 

All this to say that, as the previous poster suggested, you might be surprised to find out who's secretly attracted to you. I'm not really sure how one gets around the apparent "dating" taboo that prevails in Britain (can that really be true? Well I guess Gwyneth Paltrow thought so until the guy from Coldplay worked up the courage to ask her out). But I'll bet that it has far less to do with your looks than it does with lack of courage on the part of the men around you. Doesn't mean you couldn't ask one of them out! Easier said than done, I know. But if you don't break the ice, who will?

[plankton1]

Way more than looks mattering, is the fact that YOU seem to believe that you're not attractive enough to be wanted. I honestly believe that there is someone for everyone. BUT, if you walk around with the attitude that no one will ever be interested, that is reflected way more that your actual looks. Think about all the different looking people on the planet and all the couples you see walking around....some of them more attractive than others....beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder...but inner stregnth is part of it.

[Search_Sol]

I am a guy ! I am 26 years old.

Lets see ! You are saying that your looks are the problem.

 

Let me tell you one thing... I as a guy just don't take it by the looks. Its how well you talk and how well you let it go....

 

The thing is I sneak a point from what you said....

You say that you are very friendly with many people... That seems to be the problem. You don't let things go on... I mean for the real things apart.....

 

I have been attracted so much to girls, and no chance that she had that stunning looks.....

 

Have you seen the movie MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING... Just see that girl.... I am sure that is a set example... You know why ? Because it clearly shows that every woman is pretty... Some by their looks... Some by their way at looking at things.. I mean analysing... Some at the way they are... Some in the way they care for... and A FEW by the looks....

 

So I am pretty sure that looks are just not the thing... People who are looking in for something (like for sex, just sex)... Ofcourse they do not have the time to look into such things.... So just go ahead... Look around.... There are so many out there.. Who will see you...

 

LET THEM SEE YOU....

 

Good Luck !

[moimeme]

I am no looker. When they were handing out looks, Sandra Bullock was in line in front of me and all I got was the leftovers

 

However, men have walked into walls and doors looking at me - why? Because I was in a happy, cheerful mood. I was walking confidently and I know I was looking happy. You ask how to be happy if you're so down about your looks? Well, I became an expert at 'smelling the roses'. Life is short and there are lots of troubles in it - but not even the worst life can prevent you from enjoying the beauty of a lovely day or the taste of your favourite food or the sound of your favourite music. If you have lost the ability to enjoy the things you normally love, then you are depressed and need help, but if you haven't then you should treat yourself well. You should treat yourself to something you love every single day. Your pleasure and enjoyment will show on your face and people will be drawn to you.

 

People also blame looks as an easy way out - then they don't have to take a hard look at their personalities. You say you have a lot of friends - ask three or four of them if they think anything about your personality might hamper a relationship. I've met some 'bubbly and friendly' people who are so 'up' all the time, they're exhausting! That isn't to say you are that sort of person, but there might be a thing or two which could stand to be changed that you haven't realized is a problem.

 

Good luck!

[slinkysu]

i don't think looks matter at all - but maybe you are interested in guys who aren't interested in you. What if a guy liked you but he didn't look the way you imagined your other half to look like? Maybe it's you who believes that looks matter and you are over-looking average joes (i only say this because it is exactly what i did and it wasn't until i sat myself down and had a serious word with myself, convincing myself that whilst it was nice to dream that i'd run off with a brad pitt look-a-like, that more importantly there were average guys interested in me and i should check them out! And now i am engaged! sometimes we have to move our goalposts before we can ask others to move theirs)

 

Failing that - it is always the way that as soon as you hook up with someone that men find you attractive - so get a gay mate to play your fake boyfriend for a while until interest starts sniffing around!

 

Either way - it's christmas time - grab some mistletoe and get partying young lady!

[Outcast]

Um. You have probably now got the record for answering one of the oldest posts ever. The poster asked the question three years ago.

[whichwayisup]

Um. You have probably now got the record for answering one of the oldest posts ever. The poster asked the question three years ago.

... ...

[tinktronik]

Um. You have probably now got the record for answering one of the oldest posts ever. The poster asked the question three years ago.

 

good post though .I often have the opposite problem, Im just a face or set of .......and men tend to get either nervous around me or treat me like a pretty shell with no interior.So I dress down most of the time so that I can be seen as maybe having the possobility of having a brain.

[Art_Critic]

possobility

 

.....

[tinktronik]

.....

 

 

possibility

 

 

danmit the O is right next to the I .....

[Art_Critic]

possibility

 

 

danmit the O is right next to the I .....

 

Just ribbing you..