Is my boyfriend using cocaine?

[sb129]

Shouldn't a new relationship make someone feel good enough NOT to use?

 

I think a R between two people with obsessive and addictive personalties is doomed CW.

 

You two will end up being so fixated on your own individuals problems you have no hope of being there for eachother.

And youshouldn't be..

 

Being alone, and happy with being single is the key for you to recover CW. Only then will you be ready to have a fulfilling R with someone. NOT being with an addict who is only going to threaten your security and shatter your confidence.

[clearwater]

Being alone is the hard part for me. I feel so empty and lonely when I don't have anyone in my life. For me it's like standing in the middle of a road and looking around wondering what direction to go in because I'm lost.

 

I finally talked with his sponsor a bit ago and he said he wondered if something like cocaine was happening again but wasn't sure. Said he's going to try to meet with him one on one and see if he will admit to using and if not then he and couple of other guys from his AA group are going to try an intervention with him to see if that will do it and try to get him into rehab if he will go. I asked his sponsor what I should do and he told me maybe the best thing for me to do is to walk away. Told him my bf wants to meet with me for dinner this weekend and his sponsor told to be careful and definately only be in public with him because there's no telling what he might do. Said when people are on this stuff their behavior is too unpredictable and it was sounding like things had gotten pretty bad over the last couple of weeks and he is twisting off. Said it might not be safe for me but if I do meet him to keep what we talk about simple and not to bring up the drug abuse as that could set him off.

 

He has a daughter from a previous marriage that lives four hours away from here and his ex-wife told me yesterday that he called Tuesday night and asked if he could come see her this weekend. They thought this was strange because he was just up there 3 weeks ago and he never goes back up there this soon. But they told him she had plans already as his ex-wife said she felt he was using again because he always calls his daughter every night and he hadn't called for 2 weeks so she figured he was using and she doesn't want her daughter around him right now. I don't blame her but it's odd that he would want to go back there again so soon.

 

She also told me when they were married 17 years ago that he tried to commit suicide twice. Once by going to a hotel and hanging himself by a beam and the othe time he put a shotgun in his mouth and threatened to do it and she grabbed their baby and left for good. He told me 18 months ago he also put a shotgun in his mouth and was going to do it but that God stopped him and he's been devoted to God ever since. He's always quoting the Bible to me and praying and meditating and saying how everything will work out with God in our lives. Geez!!!

[clearwater]

Oh, and he's been in a mental hospital three times when he was with this ex-wife. Straight jacket, rubber room and everything. She said he would get clean then when he'd get out he use again so that he could go back in. Said he loved it there because he didn't have any responsibility, they told him when to eat, sleep, take his medicine, etc. This was 17 years ago. He is such a messed up soul...........do you think it's possible someone who has had this behavior for so long can ever come out of it and lead a normal life?

[Art_Critic]

Geez!!!

 

I'll say so.....

 

Tell you what.. you need to step back and reread all of your posts on LS.. Studying the things you have posted about him that you have found out about..

 

Do you really want the rest of your life to include all of those things ??

 

He isn't going to get better overnight and with the things you are posting about his past it seems he is pretty messed up and most likely will be messed up his whole life..or a big part of it.

 

Even if he cleans/sobers up it will still take him years and years to straighten out his stinking thinking and his behavior..

 

 

Remember this: Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior..

 

and put this in perspective... at 5 months he has shown you what your life with him will be like in 5 years.. Do you want that ?

[EnigmaXOXO]

I've been noticing some behavior changes and have been really down on myself for making him treat me badly sometimes and now I think it's not me but possibly drug use.

 

Perhaps it's not so much about "behavior changes" as it is you're just becoming more aware of certain things having spent more time around him. Here's the problem: until you've gotten to know him for some time while he's clean, you'll never know how much of his personality is the byproduct of drug use … Or whether or not those negative traits were preexisting and therefore resulted in his drug use.

 

The chicken or the egg sorta thing.

 

I can only tell you from my own experience, that I blamed drugs and alcohol for my ex's unpleasant behavior, too. I thought that if we could just get him well, that beautiful person that I imagined drowning underneath it all would finally break through. But what I learned is that getting clean and sober doesn't necessarily make someone suddenly responsible, honest, better at coping or problem solving, or even emotionally available to navigate a healthy relationship. It helps to clear the fog a bit, but doesn't always change "who" they are when it comes to their core personality. Particularly if there's already an underlying disorder or trauma that has never been addressed other than their own self-medicating. Chemicals only help to magnify those good and bad traits that are already there.

 

Getting clean and staying clean is only the beginning.

[Ladywithafan]

like your boy is shooting cocaine, even worse...with the tissue/blood post...I have one just like yours except his pipe is queen....it's a long road and it doesn't get any easier...the previous answers should be clear....

 

They have given you all the facts...less than a year is better than eight like me....and I'm at the enough is enough point now, myself....a person can only deal with so much.....

 

Get off the merry round while you still have tickets for a better ride!

[sb129]

Being alone is the hard part for me. I feel so empty and lonely when I don't have anyone in my life. For me it's like standing in the middle of a road and looking around wondering what direction to go in because I'm lost.

 

Clearwater- THIS is YOUR problem. You should be OK with being alone- thats when you truly know yourself, and love and respect yourself. Being with someone is a BONUS. You shouldn't settle for someone just because you are scared of being alone. As long as you think this way you will compromise your standards, and be unhappy in your relationships as a result.

Get off the merry round while you still have tickets for a better ride!

 

WISE ADVICE--- and very well put.

 

CW, you know what you should do... but your own fears are standing in the way and clouding your judgment.

[clearwater]

Every one of you are right and have given me great advice. You have been pretty point blank with me and blunt. I respect that. I do realize that I'm totally enmeshed in his addiction now and can only focus my thinking on what he is doing right now, where is he, is he out doing what he says he is, etc. Today my thoughts have been focused on whether he is with another woman while he's using. I understand one of the side affects is horniness and from the way he bahaved last Friday night, I see this is definately the case. I asked him this afternoon what he was doing tonight and he hesitated a minute then said he was going to the gym. He doesn't go to the gym on Thursday nights, he goes Tuesdays and Wednesdays and he told me this very same thing last week too. So now, I'm thinking he's staying away from me this week so that he can use AND while he's using he will get horny and find someone to have sex with. I think this would actually hurt me more than anything. His sponsor even said it was a possibility because they aren't themselves while high.

 

I told him today that I missed our lovemaking and asked him what he was doing this week without any sex and he got a little irritated with me and asked if I was trying to make him mad. He was wanting to get off the phone before this because he doesn't want to talk to me until tomorrow and I didn't respect his wishes and called anyway. So, I don't know if he was avoiding answering the question because maybe he IS hooking up with someone else or because he's always been so obsessively faithful that it made him mad that I would think he'd be with someone else. He has constantly stressed that he would NEVER cheat on me and would not tolerate that in me and that he doesn't flirt or do any actions that would cause a woman to read him wrong. I've never been with a guy that is like this.........so strong in this particular conviction. It's been nice because the last thing I think he'd ever do it cheat and that's the one secure thing I've always felt about him but now that the idea has been put into my head that their morals go out the window when they're using and they get really horny, this is all I can think about. Has anyone experienced this when high and is it true? Do you go out and look for sex and not too particular who they are? He is in AA so he doesn't go to bars at all so not sure where he would meet someone. Has anyone experienced their significant other cheating on them while they were using?

[Art_Critic]

You really need to stop talking to him..

You are never going to clear your head of his mess and look at this with a straight up view unless you do..

 

You need to pull away.. why are you putting Soooooooo Much effort into an addicts life ?? I thought you were not codependent ???

[Art_Critic]

you also need to listen to his sponsor and walk away.....

 

Stop making excuses for his addiction..

 

He was broken and addicted when you met him and you can't fix him and until he sobers up and is clean for a year you can't be his SO either...

When an addict cleans up and stays clean his whole emotional makeup changes and he finds out that what he wanted while stoned he doesn't always want for his new sober life. that is why an addict shouldn't make any huge life decision the first year until he is on firm ground

 

I am suggesting at this time since you seem to not understand what you are going to be confronted with that you go to some ALANON meetings.. at the very least buy some books on Codependence and living with someone who has addictions.

 

I wish you the best... and I also hope he cleans up an sees what he is doing to himself.

 

Good Luck

[clearwater]

Well, when I met him he told me he has been sober this time since August 2005. I met him in October 2006. So he had more than a year under his belt but like I said.........maybe he was using when I first met him and I didn't know it since his paranoia about me being friends with men appeared in the beginning and got continually worse. I just don't know.

 

With my love addiction comes codependency, I admit that. I do have a book on codependency and will get it out tonight. I did today look up Al Anon meetings in my area and think I will go to one tomorrow night. I guess I am just fooling myself to want to think only the best since you're right, I don't know what I will be confronted with as I've never been in this situation. I just want to have the happy life with him that he has promised me I guess. I want the allusion of our relationship and I guess I'm not looking at the reality of it.

[Art_Critic]

I do have a book on codependency and will get it out tonight. I did today look up Al Anon meetings in my area and think I will go to one tomorrow night.

 

Good and good... don't blame yourself.. educate yourself.

 

You sound like you have your head screwed on semi straight.. keep your wits and remember that you have rose colored glasses on right now.

 

There is no way of knowing if he was clean when you met him.. it is possible that you have never known him clean and sober and that is why you are having trouble seeing this..

 

You might also hit a love addiction meeting.. being around people that can understand how you feel can be a blessing

[clearwater]

Art Critic, how did you know? LOL Actually I just got home from a love addicts meeting. I went to one Monday evening as well since I just wanted to die from him up and leaving me Sunday night. My mind wasn't all there tonight but it did feel good to be in a room full of other women who had the same issues as me so being in a supportive environment seemed to help my mindframe of feeling that I can actually live through this without him in my life but my heart just hasn't let go yet. Would be a lot easier if I could just get the head and heart on the same page at the same time instead of fighting each other. LOL

[Art_Critic]

Would be a lot easier if I could just get the head and heart on the same page at the same time instead of fighting each other. LOL

 

That CW is the issue that we all have .. no matter what our baggage is..

 

I tend to lead with my heart and go down fighting.. only after have I put the flames out from my smoldering body does my heart get on board with my head..

I have also been one to let the person know how much I love them and scream it from the tallest tree...Then the tree gets cut down and burned too..

 

You will do fine... keep on posting and keep on doing what it is your are doing..

[amerikajin]

Well, when I met him he told me he has been sober this time since August 2005. I met him in October 2006. So he had more than a year under his belt but like I said.........maybe he was using when I first met him and I didn't know it since his paranoia about me being friends with men appeared in the beginning and got continually worse. I just don't know.

 

Ya think?

 

Clearwater, you said he wanted to marry you after the first month and that told me all I needed to know right there. He was looking for someone to bankroll his addiction. This guy is beyond messed up in the head and he does not care who he drags down with him. He's in his own world and there is absolutely, positively nothing you can do to save him. Addicts have to save themselves.

[clearwater]

Yes, I agree that asking someone to marry you after a month and a half is a little off. You say you think he wanted someone to bankroll his addiction but I don't have any money. I live paycheck to paycheck and HE has been helping ME out with the bills since he moved in. Not once has ever asked for a penny from me. I'm also not sure he wants to drag me down with him since he is staying completely away from me and hasn't once tried to contact me all week. I am the one that contacted him twice. So, it's looking very easy for him to just walk away from me when I'm supposed to be the love of his life. Looks to me like he is trying to distance himself from me completely instead of bring me into his world. Am I wrong?

[amerikajin]

Yes, I agree that asking someone to marry you after a month and a half is a little off. You say you think he wanted someone to bankroll his addiction but I don't have any money. I live paycheck to paycheck and HE has been helping ME out with the bills since he moved in. Not once has ever asked for a penny from me. I'm also not sure he wants to drag me down with him since he is staying completely away from me and hasn't once tried to contact me all week. I am the one that contacted him twice. So, it's looking very easy for him to just walk away from me when I'm supposed to be the love of his life. Looks to me like he is trying to distance himself from me completely instead of bring me into his world. Am I wrong?

 

Well maybe I'm wrong, then. But marriage a month after you met? Yeah, that's a bit weird.

 

I guess he's desperate. He's obviously not the kind of person you need. I've had drug addicts and alkies in my family and the thing is, you never fully "cure" them - they have that addiction forever. You just hope you meet them at a time in their lives when they've accepted the fact that they are addicted and that they have to avoid abusing at all costs.

[clearwater]

I'm really bad about the "why's" of what people do to me. I'm always trying to understand why they behave a certain way toward me like I'm doing now. Trying to figure out how he can just walk out of my life like this and it not bother him at all. Promise me we will be together forever and several times a week tell me how grateful we should be that God has brought us together and all that He has given us and what a good life we have together. Well...........if it's so good, why the hell do the drugs? I just want to understand and what I really want is for him to just sit down with me and tell me why things have changed. Any time I start asking him too many questions he tells me he's getting irritated because I'm grilling him.

[Ladywithafan]

Every one of you are right and have given me great advice. You have been pretty point blank with me and blunt. I respect that. I do realize that I'm totally enmeshed in his addiction now and can only focus my thinking on what he is doing right now, where is he, is he out doing what he says he is, etc. Today my thoughts have been focused on whether he is with another woman while he's using. I understand one of the side affects is horniness and from the way he bahaved last Friday night, I see this is definately the case. I asked him this afternoon what he was doing tonight and he hesitated a minute then said he was going to the gym. He doesn't go to the gym on Thursday nights, he goes Tuesdays and Wednesdays and he told me this very same thing last week too. So now, I'm thinking he's staying away from me this week so that he can use AND while he's using he will get horny and find someone to have sex with. I think this would actually hurt me more than anything. His sponsor even said it was a possibility because they aren't themselves while high.

 

I told him today that I missed our lovemaking and asked him what he was doing this week without any sex and he got a little irritated with me and asked if I was trying to make him mad. He was wanting to get off the phone before this because he doesn't want to talk to me until tomorrow and I didn't respect his wishes and called anyway. So, I don't know if he was avoiding answering the question because maybe he IS hooking up with someone else or because he's always been so obsessively faithful that it made him mad that I would think he'd be with someone else. He has constantly stressed that he would NEVER cheat on me and would not tolerate that in me and that he doesn't flirt or do any actions that would cause a woman to read him wrong. I've never been with a guy that is like this.........so strong in this particular conviction. It's been nice because the last thing I think he'd ever do it cheat and that's the one secure thing I've always felt about him but now that the idea has been put into my head that their morals go out the window when they're using and they get really horny, this is all I can think about. Has anyone experienced this when high and is it true? Do you go out and look for sex and not too particular who they are? He is in AA so he doesn't go to bars at all so not sure where he would meet someone. Has anyone experienced their significant other cheating on them while they were using?

 

I'll tell you...in regards to him getting high with a chick...most men like to get high & either watch pornos or have a chick getting high with them. It doesn't necessarily mean they're going to screw her...but if this is a girl who doesn't have any way to get drugs except sell herself, most of the men who get high, throw their dope at the girls & blow jobs occur but you wouldn't believe the vulgarity the men tend to put the girls through.

 

My boyfriend did this...I've been through it all...he wouldn't get high with me because #1...I just wasn't morally like that...#2 I had my own cash #3 I wasn't a baser chaser....I was just in love with him and couldn't figure out why he was running away from me.....

 

If your man is getting high & you're not hearing from him...he doesn't want you to blow his high. He may hold you in pretty high regard & not want to get you mixed up in this, because that can happen. and...if it does and you like it...it's all over....and there's a timeline....

 

You really need to go to your local library & check out some books on cocaine & crack...google women & crack...that's an amazing one, read it for one of my grad classes....

 

You are living in a bubble that is going to burst hard.....I mean well but I am telling you the truth.

 

My $$$ got smoked up, I went through custoday battles with my X over children, cars got sold for cookies...evictions start adding up...houses got watched & raided...you do not want to marry this lifestyle...there is no social security paycheck come retirement....

[clearwater]

Ladywithafan, you said: If your man is getting high & you're not hearing from him...he doesn't want you to blow his high. He may hold you in pretty high regard & not want to get you mixed up in this, because that can happen. and...if it does and you like it...it's all over....and there's a timeline.... What do you mean by it's all over and a timeline?

 

I'm starting to get a little scared now because I talked to his sponsor and he told me it's time the guys get together and try to get through to him if they can. His sponsor called his roommate and his roommate now knows I've contacted two of the guys in his AA group and his sponsor. When my ex finds out I've done this I'm scared he'll go ballistic for interfering with his life like this? His sponsor said we are all just concerned about him and that's what he's going to tell him is the reason I initiated all this. Do you think I should have just stayed out of it and do you think I need to worry about my safety now? I'm afraid he'll be so mad at me for interfering that he'll never talk to me again.

[Art_Critic]

I'm afraid he'll be so mad at me for interfering that he'll never talk to me again.

 

 

that would be the best thing that could happen to you.. you don't seem to be able to step off..

 

Please pull away and leave him to his sponsor..

[clearwater]

Update: He called into sick work on Friday and has had his phone off since then. He called me at 5:45 this morning and told me he was in trouble. Said I needed to go to the bank and bring him $350.00 and bring it to him. Said he was in with the same guys who used to get drugs from and they were going to kill him by 6:15 this morning if he didn't have the money to them. Said they had his truck and his phone and wouldn't give any of it back until he paid them. Told me where to bring the money to, a Shell gas station way up north side of town (Houston) and to not come over to him. Well, I got $400.00 out of the bank because I could only get it out in $100.00 increments. I went to meet him and he was the only person there. No other cars or people although I think the station must have been open because the lights were all on. So I drive over to him and he told me I wasn't supposed to do that. His eyes were all red and he had huge bags under them that were red too and he was looking around everywhere. I gave him the money and he told me drive away immediately and not to let anyone follow me and if anyone did follow me to pay attention to what they drove. I asked him as soon as he got his truck and phone back to come to my place and he said he would. This has been almost 6 hours ago and I haven't heard a thing from him. When I pulled away I saw him walking to the street but have no idea where he was going.

 

I called his roommate and sponsor on the way to meet him and they both told me not to go as it could be too dangerous for me and they might get me and take me to an ATM to get out more money. But I had to go because I didn't want anyone to kill him. Now, I don't know if that was even a true story or not. Maybe he was just telling me they were going to kill him so I would bring him the money so he could use it to get high. If the story was true, I'm thinking he would have gotten his truck back and gotten the heck out of there but since I haven't heard from him I'm wondering if anyone was really after him. He also said he had been in the back of a van for the last two days. Don't know if this is true either. I remember him telling me this type of thing happened to him before that these guys would kidnap him and keep his vehicle until he paid them more money. This means he has gone through almost $800.00 or a little more since Monday. This was before I gave him the $400.00 today.

 

Should I first of all believe the story he gave me and should I be concerned for my own safety at this point? When I talked to his roommate he told me that he is most likely smoking crack which is what he did before and was only snorting it when he was at my place but since he's been with these people for the last couple of days he's most likely smoking it. Said he was going to load up all his valuables at their place and take them to their sponsors house because he might come there looking for items to pawn to get more money for the drugs. He and his sponsor both told me DO NOT let him into my apartment if he comes over. Said he could become enraged on the drug and he's not the same person I met 5 months ago and he could take any of my stuff to sell and it's not safe for me to be with him right now.

 

I have a hard time believing anyone could keep this guy against his will as he's HUGE. He's 6'4" tall and weighs 300 pounds. Looks just like Stone Cold Steve Austin and is all the time having people come up to him and asking him if that's who he is. Can't imagine that he would be afraif of anyone. Could I be wrong? He seemed desperate but this could be the drug I don't know, especially since what I've read is that you feel invincible on this stuff. I can't imagine anyone keeping him against his will without him taking 5 guys out with him. Just doesn't seem likely. I also am now wondering if coke dealers would really kill someone over $350.00. Wouldn't it be thousands of dollars before they would threaten something like this?

[2sunny]

that drug definitely makes the user totally paranoid.

 

he will steal and take from you if he needs to.

 

the fact that you bailed him out by giving him money means simply that he will ask again and again.

 

you need to cut the ties.... he is doing NOTHING positive for you.

 

this is way too much negative enregy being spent on someone who supposedly loves you.

 

he WILL tell you anything you want to hear to get what he wants... the drugs.

 

don't be so foolish as to believe a word he says... stay away!

[sb129]

Clearwater.

 

WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE.

I CANNOT believe you did that. NOW do you realise how serious this is??

Your "amazing" BF risked YOUR safety to save HIS. He did NOT think of you, he thought of himself in the selfish way only an addict can.

 

YES drug dealers would threaten someone over $350, because they are at the bottom of the drug chain. Well technically the users are, but the people your BF buys off have to answer to some one and so on and so forth up the chain. Dealing drugs at street level is dangerous and not particularly lucrative. The guy needs the $350 to give to HIS boss or HIS ass is on the line, so he will do anything he can to get it off his clients. (your BF). There is no friendship, comraderie. This is a DANGEROUS, ILLEGAL business. People DO get killed over drugs and money. If someone threatens your BF, or beats him up over drug money, do you think he is going to go to the police? Of course he won;t because then he implicates himself as a user, and puts himself into suspicious circumstances. Illegal operations rely on this to get what they want.

 

YOU HAVE TO GET THIS GUY OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

 

He has totally disregarded you, and compromised YOUR safety. He has chosen drugs. He DOES NOT LOVE YOU IN THE WAY YOU THINK HE DOES.

HIS ADDICTION IS HIS PROBLEM NOT YOURS.

YOU CANNOT FIX HIM.

 

Please please please dump him. He is NOT worth this.

You probably won't see you money again. He cannot process his thoughts in the same way you can because he is addicted to drugs which alter the way he sees the world and his role in it.

You can't be a "voice of reason" while he is still using. Reason is not a feature of the addicts personality.

 

Why can't you see how horrible this all is?

[clearwater]

I am seeing how horrible this all is. The more time that goes by today the more I realize he was probably lying to me. I talked to the police officer this afternoon that came over last Sunday night when he went into a rage and left me. He told me what probably happened is the guys he's buying the crack off of what they normally do is take your vehicle while you're using and go do their business with it for an hour or two then bring it back to you when their done. He said that's more likely what's been going on and why he didn't have his vehicle with him when I went to meet him. He said they probably weren't going to kill him, he just told me that because he needed to buy more crack from them when they brought his vehicle back to him. However, in my mind now, everything is a lie. Our whole relationship, his fidelity to me, EVERYTHING!!!

 

The fact that he could take advantage of me like this knowing my financial situation and how badly losing this $400.00 will hurt me.........well, I think that's the worst kind of betrayal to me. The worst kind of selfishness.

 

He is 43 years old and had a heart attack at 39 while using this stuff. Said he remembers exactly when it happened too while he was using. What an idiot. Now he weighs 300 pounds and from what my little brother was telling me, his heart could explode from using this stuff. I can't understand why he is risking his life like this.......at the same time, I can't begin to understand any of this anyway.

 

YES, I am done now. I feel like a total fool for taking him the money, especially now that he never came over or called me like he said he was going to do. NOW I KNOW it was a lie just to get more money to use. At least that's what it's looking like. I guess this was a $400.00 lesson learned.

 

I don't see how he can possibly make it to work tomorrow, especially if he's been up using for three days straight. His mom said she is going to kick him out of his townhome (she owns it and his truck since he's screwed up his credit so badly he can't get anything in his name anymore) and he will be out on his own. Said she has put up with this for over 20 years with him and she's fixing to write him off completely. I can't say I blame her. I'm SO GLAD I had my locks changed Monday morning first thing, now that I know those guys have his keys with MY FRONT DOOR KEY on there. Geez!!!!

 

Thanks to all of you for responding to all my posts. You have really helped open my eyes. I am so grateful to everyone one of you.