pikes1992 Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 I met a woman approximately 6 months ago whom I was almost immediately drawn to. To be as brief as possible-I feel as if she is the person I have waited my entire life to meet! I never dreamed I would meet someone who would steal my heart so completely. She has challenged everything I ever thought I understood about dating, love, and just relationships in general. There is an issue, however, that I fear we might never manage to get past...and I often worry that I have found my self unfortunately in the right place but at entirely the wrong time. She dated someone for 3.5 years and was engaged to him. At some point, she decided that she had made a mistake and broke off the engagement approx. 5 months prior to the wedding. She has never doubted her decision to end the engagement but is very sad because she considered him to be her best friend and is still very much emotionally connected to him for that reason. After the breakup, she moved several states away but wound up allowing him to move to the same area and even share a house with her strictly in a roommate capacity. After a couple of months, he realized that it was indeed over and moved back. It was around this time that she and I met. Our friendship started out very slowly, with the occasional drink or dinner. She made it clear to me that she was (understandably) not interested in jumping into another relationship. Four months later we see one another every night and spend virtually the entire weekend together when schedules permit.I have respected her space and have not attempted to kiss her or initiate anything remotely sexual...still, we have our moments...the looks, the playful flirting, massages(fully clothed), lots of impromptu hand holding and hugging. People constantly mention that we make a great couple or assume that we are together. Still, she often gets upset when any of her work colleagues (many of whom were acquainted with her ex) mention it and often gives me the cold shoulder for a day or so afterwards. Once she has had some time to cool off, its back to normal for the two of us. Again, I understand that the suggestion of another relationship so soon after what was undoubtedly a major life trauma can induce the "flight" reflex. Like I mentioned, however, we do have our moments-and she is absolutely the first woman I have ever been remotely involved with whom I have been willing to be unselfish and have not tried to push my own agenda. Does this make sense? I mean, I would rather spend an entire day with her fully clothed than 30 minutes of sex-which would undoubtedly trigger the flight reflex anyway and I might never see her again. I made the decision a while back that I would actually attempt to become her friend before I tried to get her out of her pants...and we have become friends...its just ridiculously frustrating at times when I get all the right signals but I know in my heart that she is not ready for anything that heavy or involved. While I find her incredibly sexually attractive, I'm so in love with her that it is really a non-issue at this point. All my friends think I am crazy for spending so much time and money on someone who is obviously (by their reasoning) using me as some sort of emotional bridge. That thought has occurred to me more than once...but I suppose that I am hoping that if I will be patient and understanding with her and give her her space and allow things to happen in her time (not mine) that I will be rewarded at some point and the floodgates will open, so to speak. I suppose that is selfish in and of itself, but I really do love her and I am trying to be there for her and doing the best that I can. Any thoughts...am I doing the right thing or am I just wishing for something that probably won't happen? Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 Otherwise, she'd have allowed, shoot, wanted some kind of intimacy with you by now. Right now you are one of her girlfriends and don't even know it. On one level she does like it that you are into her. But it ain't going to happen. You are not going to be promoted to the boyfriend status you wish have. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pikes1992 Posted March 2, 2007 Author Share Posted March 2, 2007 That's just it...I have not tried to push the envelope yet. Just when we get to the point of kissing sometimes, I back off. Maybe I'm trying too hard NOT to push her away? Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 If you want a romantic relationship with her, kiss her today!!! You have probably already waited too long. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pikes1992 Posted March 2, 2007 Author Share Posted March 2, 2007 Isn't it also possible that the breakup was so traumatic for her that she needs some time to put herself back together emotionally before starting a sexual relationship with someone new...regardless of who it is...she knows how I feel and she has told me that she appreciates how I have set my own desires aside for the time being and given her my friendship...which is what she really needs. I appreciate your feedback, Michelangelo... By the way, are you a man or a woman... I have never really had a woman's opinion on my situation...you have told me essentially the same thing my friends have Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 Isn't it also possible that the breakup was so traumatic for her that she needs some time to put herself back together emotionally before starting a sexual relationship with someone new...regardless of who it is... I think Michaelangelo is a guy. I am a woman. And I'm telling you, if you wait too long she might start a sexual relationship, but it won't be with you in the way you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pikes1992 Posted March 2, 2007 Author Share Posted March 2, 2007 storyrider, I should also mention that, even though we have known one another for 4 months, I can trace the hugging and handholding only back to the third week of Jan. and we have been hanging out every night only since Feb. 5th or so. I would say our first real date (without other people around) was probably Jan 23rd. Have I still waited too long? Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 Look, I don't want to sound overly dogmatic about this. I could be wrong. I just think once you are defined as a friend in her mind, it will be hard to ratchet up to lover. I think women can do a lot of this touchy feely stuff without feeling sexual toward the guy, and eventually the relationship becomes cemented in friendship mode. I personally like it (well, liked it, I've been married for a while now) when the guy takes charge a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 Yeah, I'm a guy! I don't understand why if you want to kiss the girl that you don't just do it. If you shy off she either thinks you're gay or a wuss and neither state of being is going to get you promoted to boyfriend. So what if she may reject your advances. She may be waiting for you to act like a man. I'll tell you one thing, if you don't take your shot, some other guy is going to. So let's say you take your shot and you go down in flames. Then at least you know where you stand. stay a friend or move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 Yeah, I'm a guy! I don't understand why if you want to kiss the girl that you don't just do it. Because if he gets shot down he risks the friendship in the process, and then he can no longer hope that something will eventually happen. He has to decide whether he wants it badly enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pikes1992 Posted March 2, 2007 Author Share Posted March 2, 2007 Storyrider, Decide whether I want it badly enough to try to take it to the next level-or to be patient with her? Shouldn't any man be wary of a woman who ended an engagement recently? He moved home the day after Thanksgiving. Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 I'm saying you need to decide whether you're willing to risk the friendship for the sake of taking it to a romantic level. Yes, I would be wary, and you might be better off settling for friendship with this one and not having expectations for more. But don't tell yourself you're just friends and secretly hope for more because then you are setting yourself up for heartache. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 Just kiss her! Kissing alone doesn't mean it's a "sexual" relationship, neccesarily. You can take it slowly and still kiss a person. And it also doesn't mean you can't still be patient with her as far as getting over the engagement. It sounds like she is interested in you and your company, I don't see why she would turn down a kiss. You are a great guy for being so respectful though. Again, you can still kiss a person and be respectful towards their feelings. Or, simply ask her, "would you like it if I kissed you?", or "what do you think about the fact that I want to kiss you?" Ok maybe that sounds dumb..just throwing out suggestions here. It does sound like she likes the pace at which this relationship is moving. If she isn't ready for kissing yet, maybe she just needs you to be patient a little longer. But eventually, you will want to know what her intentions are with you. And she won't be able to leave you hanging forever, it wouldn't be fair to you. She can only use the engagement as an excuse for so long. Everyone has to let go and move on eventually, for their own good, and to give a chance to others who deserve her...like you! Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 He's already risking the friendship by harboring romantic feelings and not acting upon them. She knows how he feels yet makes no attempt to get him to act. From my experience, if she was into you she'd orchestrate a situation where you get in the clinch. Sooner or later she'll get bored with you standing in the wings. and at that point you'll be hurt when she brings by some guy she's dating and wants your opinion of him. friend zone sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 He's already risking the friendship by harboring romantic feelings and not acting upon them. She knows how he feels yet makes no attempt to get him to act. From my experience, if she was into you she'd orchestrate a situation where you get in the clinch. Sooner or later she'll get bored with you standing in the wings. and at that point you'll be hurt when she brings by some guy she's dating and wants your opinion of him. friend zone sucks. Get him to act? And what do you mean by "orchestrate a situation?"...shouldn't he "act" on his own? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 we see one another every night and spend virtually the entire weekend together Regardless of when this started, you are spending far, far, far too much time together considering you are not a couple. If you want this woman as a girlfriend, you need to stop acting like her puppy. How can she long for you and wish for you when you're always around? Start remembering that you have a LIFE of your own that you are neglecting. Go out with your friends without her, stop being constantly there for her, get re-involved with your own hobbies and interests. Be your own person, not her crutch. Believe me, she knows you are interested in her - any guy that hangs around that much is obviously not doing it just for the friendship, and any woman knows that. So stop worrying about being her friend and be a MAN. Flirt with her, kiss her, and move on if she's not responding to your flirtation and kisses. If she only sees you as a friend, the "floodgates" will never, ever open like you're hoping they will. It just doesn't work that way. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 Get him to act? And what do you mean by "orchestrate a situation?"...shouldn't he "act" on his own? But if even with his passivity she still wanted him, she'd find a way to get the move made. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pikes1992 Posted March 2, 2007 Author Share Posted March 2, 2007 She's asked me for massages and closed her bedroom door and pretty much left herself in my hands...allowing me to put my hands on her bare lower back...etc. We have come very close to kissing a couple of times...our heads move closer together...and then she gently shakes her head no...as if to tell me she is not ready to take the next step-Now, I have always backed off when that happens...I guess next time I should pursue it and see what happens? This is all pretty sad, I've never had any doubts or ever wondered how to handle things when it came to women i dated-until I met her. I have been involved with a lot of wonderful women and like to think that I am a confident (she jokingly tells me I am way too cocky) guy- and never have felt like the bumbling, stumbling, inept fool I must sound like now Link to post Share on other sites
Limerent Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 I wonder if there are other men in her life at this moment? Does she ocassionally go out on little dates? Does she have other male friends? And, how old are the both of you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author pikes1992 Posted March 2, 2007 Author Share Posted March 2, 2007 I am fairly certain that there is no one else at the moment... She is 26 and I am 36. I know the age gap probably raises a flag...but she has repeatedly told me that it is a non-issue for her...she is probably more mature and squared-away than I am, anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pikes1992 Posted March 2, 2007 Author Share Posted March 2, 2007 she has plenty of friends of both sexes...but I am the only one that she spends any time with. Most of her friends are married, however. No little dates that I am aware of... Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 Like Norajane said...you should kiss her and if the mission fails, move on...she knows you are interested in her sexually, she's isn't dumb! To leave you hanging too much is just teasing you. Also like Norajane said, you probably shouldn't spend sooo much time with her. Cool it off a bit. Indulge in your own life. Link to post Share on other sites
scrybe74 Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 I'll keep it short and sweet. Your 'friend' is getting what she wants out of her friendship with you. Campanionship, friendship, attention, mild intimacy - without any of the risks. It's no different than a man getting what he wants from a woman (sex, sex, companionship, sex) but no commitment - keeping the distance. It's all okay if you're okay with being that for her. But just like a woman who expects a man to someday marry her when he keeps her in the closet. You're a glorified emotional boot-call right now. 4 months is long enough for you to wait. Let your feelings be known and let her make a decision. If she truly wants only friendship then end things, take a break and come back later to her....just as a friend if you can handle it. You say you've never felt this way before? Well in that case you deserve a shot at making it something. But don't delay the inevitable because you're afraid. Go for it of move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted March 3, 2007 Share Posted March 3, 2007 So stop worrying about being her friend and be a MAN. Flirt with her, kiss her, and move on if she's not responding to your flirtation and kisses. If she only sees you as a friend, the "floodgates" will never, ever open like you're hoping they will. It just doesn't work that way. This is so true. If you want the girl in a romantic relationship you must take the risk and see if she's on the same page. If you don't want to just be friends then you must quit acting like just a friend or that will be your fate. Be the man and let her know that you want her a a women, not just a friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 3, 2007 Share Posted March 3, 2007 People constantly mention that we make a great couple or assume that we are together. Still, she often gets upset when any of her work colleagues (many of whom were acquainted with her ex) mention it and often gives me the cold shoulder for a day or so afterwards. You have allowed yourself to become what I now call The Unboyfriend Boyfriend. You give her attention. You make her feel attractive and wanted (we all love that). But you are completely safe. She set parameters and you agreed to them so now she knows you will obey the limits. She gets all of the attention, friendship, and all that a great biyfriend gives with no pressure of a physical relationship. She set the parameters of NOT having a physical relationship because she is not attracted to you. There is no chemistry on her part - or very very little. This is why she gets so mad when people think both of you are a couple - it sparks guilt about what she is really doing and also reminds her of how much she DOESN'T see you that way. Sorry to be the bearer of such bad news but I've done what she is doing MANY MANY times. Guys that wanted me but I didn't want them. They'd be bringing me dinner, watching movies together, having intimate discussions about feelings (mostly mine), etc. Spending lots of time together. I knew these during these times that the guy was feeling there would eventually be a chance but I knew there wouldn't be. If you want to save yourself the longing and the eventual pain you should cut it off. But it sounds like you are already too deep to do so. Sorry again. It sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
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