MM is too persistent, yet cheap

[Blue Phoenix]

--"He is constantly telling me that he trusts me with his life. That might be because I have not told his wife, or because he has no disease"-- He has no disease?? I'm sorry I dont follow you there. Of course he trusts you he knowes he can turn to you when ever he wantes a quickey and you wont tell whifey. Now do you mean that becase he hasent gotten any deases from you?? --"I dont want a sexual relationship. As a woman, sex is not that hard to get. I want something meaningful"-- Im so sorry but thats exactly the thing you will never get from this man or any other marryed man fully. For that to happen he would have to leave his wife compleatly to be with you and that dosent happen verry often from the sounds of it. Seams like you 2 are on a compleatly diffrent page when it comes to your wants and needs in this relashionship. It dose sound how ever that you now realise this and are going to break things off with him. Good for you I hope that you do find a good single man who can give you his undivied attention and the things you crave in a relashionship..

[herenow]

I dont want a sexual relationship. As a woman, sex is not that hard to get. I want something meaningful.

 

The beauty of the written word is that you can always go back as see exactly what was written. You didn't say anything about meaningful. You said you wanted him to do things for you and pay for things. Just look at the title of this thread. You are now complaining about the responses you got and trying to change what you said. Can't do that honey, the proof of what you said is right here and there is nothing you can say now to change that.

[Island Girl]

this was the place were women in situations of being the OW or mistress come and talk about things and not have to be bashed about "its wrong to be with a married man". Yes it is not right, but the fact is that....this has been happening for years.

 

It is also a fact that abuse - child abuse, spousal abuse, etc. has been happening for years too but it doesn't make it any less wrong.

 

Using this line of reasoning to justify knowingly being involved in affair is ridiculous.

 

As far as being bashed, from what I have seen here, you haven't been.

 

You stated very clearly that you wanted some kind of compensation while sleeping with this married man and people have commented about that.

 

Some people have stated that if I dont give him "some" then he will probably go and get it elsewhere for free. MAYBE, but I don't think so. His wife has not joined him yet; if getting some, somewhere else was an option for him, he would not be blowing up my phone in the manner that he has been doing.

 

Yes he would. He'll keep calling as long as he thinks there is a possibility you will say yes as you have in the past.

 

He knows you already slept with him after knowing he is married so his odds say you'll do it again.

 

If you decide you won't sleep with him he will most certainly go looking elsewhere.

 

He is constantly telling me that he trusts me with his life. That might be because I have not told his wife, or because he has no disease.

 

Many can attest to the fact that a married man who is cheating will say ANYTHING to keep getting what he wants. Saying it doesn't make it meaningful.

 

I dont want a sexual relationship. As a woman, sex is not that hard to get. I want something meaningful.

 

Then you don't want a married man.

[crazy_grl]

7.a woman who has a continuing, extramarital sexual relationship with one man, esp. a man who, in return for an exclusive and continuing liaison, provides her with financial support.

 

That's pretty much the defniition Island Girl posted earlier. I saw no reason to post it again.

 

I notice M-W has chopped off the second part of this definition, and I assume this is because the definition of 'mistress' is changing... I'm wondering if it's not because this arrangement is becoming less and less frequent with single women able to support themselves.. .heh.

 

Don't think so. The M-W dictionary I have next to me published in 1981 (over 20 yrs ago) has the exact same definition.

 

Definitions aside, the suggestion from some on the thread has been that being in a relationship with a man who is married in some way means that cash or presents or whatever will be exchanged. As if it were in some way comparable to a (true) mistress situation, or even a prostitute (as has been commented on other threads on here in the past).

 

The fact is, that it's just a plain old (amoral to some, me included) relationship between two people. No cash involved necessarily or at least no more than in any other boyfriend-girlfriend situation. Anyone who 'gets that mixed up' or in some way believes that an OW generally accepts gifts because of the man being married is mistaken. That is my point, and definitions don't change that.

 

You're right that definitions don't change what people think or say, but it seems you're concluding that what people are sayng is different than what they actually said based on what you believe the definition of a word is.

 

What others were saying is that they thought OW and mistress were the same thing. They were not saying they thought all OW/mistresses were paid as you're implying.

 

The reason prostitution was hinted at on this thread was the OP's emphasis that she was not getting compensated. To me, it doesn't really matter if the guy is married or single, if a woman is that concerned about getting paid, she may as well give a rate up front.

 

I am willing to give the OP the benefit of a doubt though and concede that maybe she's not good at expressing her actual wants. That maybe she wants something deeper, but when she tries to express that, is comes out sounding very shallow and materialistic.

[crazy_grl]

this was the place were women in situations of being the OW or mistress come and talk about things and not have to be bashed about "its wrong to be with a married man".

 

I don't recall anyone saying it's wrong to be with a married man on this thread. Maybe there was one or two, but the majority were saying that there's no point. You're never going to get what you want from him. You can try asking him for what you want, but he's already shown you that he's not going to give it to you.

 

Some people have stated that if I dont give him "some" then he will probably go and get it elsewhere for free. MAYBE, but I don't think so. His wife has not joined him yet; if getting some, somewhere else was an option for him, he would not be blowing up my phone in the manner that he has been doing. Now, in 3/4 months, things can change but right now, he does not really have that kinda option.

 

What makes you think he has no other options? How do you know he's not "blowing up" somebody else's phone too? Unless no other woman will have him, he's got other options. But he knows from previous experience that you're likely to be game for what he wants.

 

Either way, it does not matter. I was venting about a situation and I have decided that I will let him know how I feel about starting a sexual affair. I decided that I was going to be open and honest and just tell him how I felt inside my heart. He might not like the fact that I wont be sleeping with him, but the truth is that.....there is nothing in it for me.

 

Good for you. And don't fall for any BS promises he tries to make you. He may try to tell you that you're special, that he trusts you with his life, etc. But his actions already show how important you really are to him. Not very. Nobody should be with someone who doesn't think they're important and treat them that way.

[Guest]

this was the place were women in situations of being the OW or mistress come and talk about things and not have to be bashed about "its wrong to be with a married man". Yes it is not right, but the fact is that....this has been happening for years. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, but this particular forum is for "The Other Man/Woman.

 

Some people have stated that if I dont give him "some" then he will probably go and get it elsewhere for free. MAYBE, but I don't think so. His wife has not joined him yet; if getting some, somewhere else was an option for him, he would not be blowing up my phone in the manner that he has been doing. Now, in 3/4 months, things can change but right now, he does not really have that kinda option.

 

He is constantly telling me that he trusts me with his life. That might be because I have not told his wife, or because he has no disease.

 

Either way, it does not matter. I was venting about a situation and I have decided that I will let him know how I feel about starting a sexual affair. I decided that I was going to be open and honest and just tell him how I felt inside my heart. He might not like the fact that I wont be sleeping with him, but the truth is that.....there is nothing in it for me.

 

I dont want a sexual relationship. As a woman, sex is not that hard to get. I want something meaningful.

 

nextel, you asked for advice, and now ur getting defensive at the advice you are given. open your eyes. he only wants you for sex and he keeps persisting bc he thinks it will eventually work. you don't think that the people giving advice have not been there or had a friend who has been there? and why the hell should he give you money lol. the way he's probably thinking, if u took the time to get out there without his help, he's not going to go into his pocket.

 

a man can compartmentalize a woman he is just having sex with. if he doesn't really care about you like that, it will show. u shouldn't have to have that kind of talk with him. i think what u are wanting to hear is "yeah talk to him so that he will open up. talk to him so that he can tell you that he really wants to leave his life for you and take care of you"!

[frannie]

I was just wondering if that's the way it is for OW's...that you expect that kind of "help."

 

Doesn't sound too kosher to me.

 

To which I replied that I think the word used for that is 'mistress' (which, according to many definitions, it still is... and 20 years is nothing in dictionary terms).

 

Well to be honest, that wasn't the word I was thinking of.

 

But anyway...mistress, OW, isn't it all the same thing?

 

You're right that definitions don't change what people think or say, but it seems you're concluding that what people are sayng is different than what they actually said based on what you believe the definition of a word is.

 

What others were saying is that they thought OW and mistress were the same thing. They were not saying they thought all OW/mistresses were paid as you're implying.

 

crazy_girl, I wasn't suggesting or implying that anyone thought all OW asked for financial reward, I was responding to Touche's posts above in which she specifically asked that question. As you can see, she did ask or imply whether all OW ask for financial 'help'.

 

I hope that clears up my point once and for all. Sorry for your confusion.

[crazy_grl]

To which I replied that I think the word used for that is 'mistress' (which, according to many definitions, it still is... and 20 years is nothing in dictionary terms).

 

Again, that's not what any dictionary says. Even the definition you posted doesn't say that. It's not your viewpoints or reasons that are annoying me, it's that you can't seem to understand what the dictionary says. I don't understand why you won't just concede that you were wrong about the definition.

 

pquote]I was responding to Touche's posts above in which she specifically asked that question. As you can see, she did ask or imply whether all OW ask for financial 'help'.

 

But your answer was wrong. She asked 2 questions: 1. do all OW expect money? 2. Is OW the same as mistress? I agree with you that the answer to 1 is no, but the answer to 2 is yes.

 

But whatever. It's really not that important and getting off topic, so I'll stop arguing the point.

[frannie]

Again, that's not what any dictionary says. Even the definition you posted doesn't say that. It's not your viewpoints or reasons that are annoying me, it's that you can't seem to understand what the dictionary says. I don't understand why you won't just concede that you were wrong about the definition.

 

pquote]I was responding to Touche's posts above in which she specifically asked that question. As you can see, she did ask or imply whether all OW ask for financial 'help'

 

But your answer was wrong. She asked 2 questions: 1. do all OW expect money? 2. Is OW the same as mistress? I agree with you that the answer to 1 is no, but the answer to 2 is yes.

 

But whatever. It's really not that important and getting off topic, so I'll stop arguing the point.

 

OW is only the same as mistress if you're using the terms interchangeably. If you use the term mistress to mean a woman accepting gifts/money then obviously they're different.

 

As I said earlier: the defintions and words don't matter. I was discussing whether OW accept money/gifts as a matter of course.

 

And of course, they do not.