Wife made stupid mistake

[DazednConfused]

My wife and I met 17 years ago, and fell in love instantly. Seriously, we have not been apart since that first day; February 18, 1987.

We were married in 1989, and currently have a wonderful 15 year old daughter. In the brginning we had literally nothing, but through some good career moves and a little luck, we were enjoying the good life. Materially, we lack for nothing we wish.

I clearly remember a conversation with God (albeit a little one-sided) shortly after she and I got together; I asked for the grace to keep her happy because I never wanted to lose her; it was precisely the moment I knew I was in love with her and she with me.

Since we met, I have tried to be the best husband and lover I know how to be; I have always shared her dreams, supported her decisions, shown her how amazing I think she is, etc. But as with all relationships, she began to take these things for granted, and began an "Emotional affair" with a co-worker. I was aware immediately, and took steps to talk with her and find out what was missing. I showered her with affection and attention, booked weekends away to get to know each other again, and all the things we are supposed to do when we sense there is a problem. She responded by becoming more involved with me and our daughter, was attentive, loving and sexually amazing.

I continued to find his number on the cell bills and other evidence that I will not go into here, suffice to say I got the old "we're just friends" and "you're being controlling and crowding me" routines. Maybe I made a mistake at this point by withdrawing some, but I was made to believe I was crazy, and stupid for thinking there was anything wrong in what she was doing. So I took a different direction; she was unhappy with her job and the people who ran the company where she worked, so I convinced her to send out some resume's. She immediately was offered a much better job, and I convinced her she should take it. She did. My thought process was that if she was out of the environment and constant contact with slimebag; it would be too difficult to continue this friendship.

A couple of weeks later on Valentine's day, as we had our morning coffee, I noticed she had not made herself a lunch (she usually invites me to lunch, if she doesn't want to take one), and told me she and a couple of the ladies were going to lunch together. I didn't buy it, and headed down toward her area at her lunch hour. I caught them finished with lunch and in the parking lot. Her car door was open, and slimebag was leaning inside to kiss her and hand her a Valentines day flower. She told me she had been forced to take an early lunch so missed her lunch w/ the girls and "coincidentally" ran into slimebag. I asked her how stupid she thought I was, but didn't have time to have the discussion at that point, as she had to return to work.

Been clean since then, nothing on the cell bills, no unexplained and unverifiable absences, blah blah blah. Last Thursday I got a call from slimebag's wife. Informing that slimebag and my wife have been having an affair for over a year, and he just confessed that it had been very sexual as well as emotional.

Upon her return home from work that day, I of course was a bit peeved. (Did you get the sarcasm?) I confronted her yet again, and yet again, she denied any sexual involvement. When I went upstairs to pack her bags, she confessed everything. It turns out that they had sex 6-8 times, mostly at work, but once in the woods near my home.

She did end it with him after being caught at lunch that day, but he would not leave her alone and continued calling her at work, trying to get her to start up again. She could tell me nothing without telling me everything, and so was unable to stop him contacting her.

 

She made a mistake and a bad choice. Since I love my wife, I will have to try to forgive and work things through. My problem is the betrayal, rage, pain, anger, and distrust I am feeling. I have no real friends to talk with about this, don't want to go to my family to spare her being looked at sideways if we work this out, have never needed a therapist of any kind. I have no outlet for what I am experiencing. I pride myself on being calm and unflappable in face of chaos, and always being able to solve a problem to the benefit of all parties, but this a totally new thing for me.

For her part, she has been completely honest, and frank in answering my questions fully without regard to what she thinks I want to hear. (Per my request). So I know from the usual guy-type questions that he has a little bit smaller penis than I, but he was able to bring her to orgasm. She has stayed with me and is trying to do her part to help me deal, and understands that this will be a tough thing for me. The love-making is more intense and fulfilling now than ever before. Unfortunately, this only burns about an hour a day, so what do I do with the other 23?? She is willing to discuss anything I wish at any time, but I hesitate because I know she is hurting too, and while informative, it really isn't helping, because she honestly can't explain the attraction or her actions.

I can't be alone in peace and quiet or all the lies come back for my review in memory; I can't sleep unless completely exhausted, because I close my eyes and see my wife giving those secret smiles and lusty looks to someone else; and worse, I see her shuddering in orgasm in his arms. I cannot concentrate on work matters, nor play golf or the things I used to enjoy.

For the last few days, it has been why me, why me? Today it is a near uncontrollable rage that I cannot shake off. I am a master of emotion control, (I negotiate huge money deals on a daily basis and needed to learn that), but I have finally met my match. I am walking a tightrope that is unravelling, on one side, I will simply sink into a depression and be useless to anyone, on the other, I may explode and do something stupid. If I manage to stay on the rope, I will have a nervous breakdown.

If anyone has any excersises or anger management techniques, I would truly like to hear about them, or just tell me how you have coped with the feelings.

My whole world is ruined, I don't how to go on.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[maria72]

I am so sorry for you pain...I can FEEL your emotions. I don't know what to tell you except that I know every emotion you're feeling is normal. Have you thought about talking to a therapist yourself? It may help and give you some perspective in addition to another outlet for your pain. If not, I hope you get a lot of replies here that will help you. You sound like a great husband...normally it seems the other way around...men cheating on their wives.

 

[Moose]

Man, do I feel terrible about this story!!! I can really sense your love for your wife. I don't know how I could ever live another day if I found out my wife was having an affair. I too have been married about the same length of time and I have a 16 year old. Since I haven't had to deal with this problem I don't know that I could give you any advice on easing your pain.

 

With that being said though, I can tell you that we are all human and we make mistakes. Forgiving is the hardest part and re-gaining trust in her is even worse. What you are feeling is terrible, I know, have you ever noticed that the feeling of hate, your heart jumping, and your stomach turning is almost exactly the same feeling when you fell in love with her?

 

Has she admitted to how terrible she feels about it? Did she say anything about it just being a physical thing....and that you are the one she loves and wants to spend the rest of her life with?

 

I would probably do something stupid like wait for this guy in a dark alley and kick his you know what....I wouldn't kill him, but his nutts would be so far up his stomach he'd be talking like Mickey Mouse for a few months. But since reason tells me that wouldn't fix anything, I wouldn't do it. I would expect an apology at least though.

 

Try stuffing some of your clothes with straw and paint his name on it and proceed to destroy it!!! And definitley consider therapy with your wife present as well. And again, if you need anyone to talk to about it, you can send me a personal message and I'll be happy to help anyway I can.

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you, you sound like a nice guy!!!

[jmargel]

First let me say that both of you need to see a licensed marriage councilor. Because no matter how much we talk on here to you, the benefits of going to one will far outweigh anything we have to offer. We can't go back in the past to change what she did, but what we can do is offer advice on how to deal with the pain, and what to expect to go through.

 

Your wife needs to figure out WHY she did this. If everything was great in your marriage, why did she feel the need to pursue this? Was something actually lacking, or was it just because she was selfish and took you for granted? Only she can answer that question, and a councilor might be able to pull somethings up so it would be easier for her to come to one.

 

As to your emotions that you are dealing with. This is normal and to be expected. The foundation of your marriage has been cracked pretty bad. You probably have a fine line between love and hate for her right now. Has she shown remorse? Remember this only came to light because this guy's wife called you. Your wife didn't come to you which makes it worse. Is she sorry for doing what she did, or is she sorry because she got caught?

 

Anger is a natural emotion or feeling. We feel anger whenever we are BLOCKED from getting something we want. So understand that being angry is ok. She needs to accept whatever you feel that is necessary from her. Even though she is still with you, part of her is probably 'dead' to you.

 

Love is a gift, not a right. She needs to understand this. She also needs to learn that trust is not given, but earned. Does it seem like the past few years have a tint on them now because of this?

 

My other suggestion would be to stop torturing yourself. Thinking about her doing things with him will do nothing to help your situation, but to attagonize it. From your post, and if you are being honest, then you have to realize nothing you could've said nor done in the past would have made her not do this. Yes what she did was horrific, and awful. But she is also human like us all.

 

I know it sounds cliche, but time does help alot. Don't cover up for her if someone asks about the situation. You might just want to tell them that there are issues you two are dealing with privately. What other people think of her right now is not important. What is important is your ability to trust her again, which could take months or years. Are you two willing to see a councilor? She should be willing to do anything to keep this marriage if she is truly sorry.

 

I've had a simliar experience. I was engaged, with her for five years. She ended up cheating on me with my now ex-best friend of 15 years. I thought that everything I ever believed in was ruined. All my trust in people were gone. The world was my enemy and I was the victim. I also thought both her & him was selfish, mean a-holes. What did I do to deserve this? Why am I being punished? I then put alot of it on myself, thinking if I would've done this or that better, things would've been different. But, over the months I came to the conclusion it wouldn't. I also came to the conclusion that this was a conscious decision made by her and she needs to deal with the consequences. But I was also hurting, alot.

 

When you start thinking about her & him, make a conscious effort to stop yourself and think of something totally different. You are going to be put through alot, and whether or not the love between you two is strong enough, will determine if you two pull through. When did you find out about all of this?

[TempSain]

That really sucks.

I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Hope you can work through it. At least your talking and she is being honest with you.

That is a good start.

I think it will take alot of time for you to overcome this pain.

I dont think any therapist will help, just time.

 

For releasing stress, I would recommend swimming.

I go to the gym often and swim as if I was in competition.

It really wears you out and also takes away the tension.

 

Let us know how things are working out.

Wishing for the best.

[jmargel]

Temp, why in the heck would you say a therapist wouldn't help? A marriage councilor is exactly what they need.

[DazednConfused]

Thank you for your replies.

 

Moose, the dark alley thing sounds like a great idea, I can't tell you how many times thoughts such as those have crossed my mind. But, I kinda like living on the outside, so...... besides, slimebag is beneath my contempt, and I will let his wife have at him on my behalf. Unless he continues sniffing around, then I will feel justified in taking further steps.

 

J, you are correct, she did not come clean, I had to find out from wife of slimebag. She says she did not tell me herself because it was over, and she wanted to spare me the pain that I am experiencing now. By some of the advice on this board, her rationale was sound, even though I cannot agree with it.

 

A couple of you have asked if she has expressed remorse..... Yes she has very definately, and tells me constantly that she is sorry for what she has done, as well as tells me she wants me and our marriage. She also expresses some relief that it is in the open so we can move on. I have to imagine the guilt was intense.... not intense enough to stop after once though......

 

I also think it is important for her to submit a reason WHY she has done this. I have told her so, and am awaiting a solid answer.

 

I am reasonably certain that wife and I want the same thing - our relationship back. I am willing to go see a marriage counselor or anything else that may help.

 

HA! push it from my mind? Ain't gonna happen anytime soon. As nice as that might be.....

 

I am not covering up that there is a problem, we were due to have family in from out of town this weekend, and I have cancelled their visit - "It just isn't a good time to be in our home right now." Left it at that. I will not share details because I will not tolerate disrespect toward the woman I married.

 

I am a pragmatist, we all make mistakes, and if we are loved enough, all mistakes should be forgiven. I know she is human, I know she is remorseful and wants to fix things. I guess my anger stems from wanting things never broken in the first place.

 

Whatever happens, no regrets, most people never get to experience the intense love and passion that I have had, and been loved in return in the same way.

 

I will not play emotional keep-away with her in the meantime, she is my wife, I do love her, and will continue to show that.

 

I truly do appreciate all of your input, I was all alone in this.

[Moose]

You're awesome!!!

[pocoestrella]

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Well, let me start with i'm so very sorry for your pain in this...

 

I agree with another poster here and agree that a marriage concelor would be beneficial as both of you are wanting to work this out... and individual counceling wouldn't hurt either.

 

I can understand your anger and pain... my situation didn't happen the same way... as my idiot husband had point blank asked me for an "open marriage" I said "hell no" and he did what he wanted anyway... so I opened that marriage door for him... so far open it was like we weren't married anymore... hey thats because we're not! LOL it really was a painful thing to go through and although I know I did the right thing in divorcing his sorry ass... it was still hard as we have two little people together.

 

I know you are waiting for your wife to give you an answer as to why she did this... my take and I could be wrong... is it had little to do with you (and I know that is hard to swallow as well) and more to do with her... she liked the attention and excitment of the affair... this other guy was making her feel like a "kid" again... possible your wife went through a "midlife crisis"???

 

My divorce is 2 years old... and although I agreed to do counseling with him... my husband was just to immature to get a clue (being that he is 28 that is hard to understand) but I continued with individual conseling to help me get over it...might be a good option for you as well...

 

I wish you the best

[jmargel]

Well you aren't alone. Alot of people have been in your spot as well. Good choice about the family visiting. Did you just find out recently?

 

Show her that you love her, but don't make it so easy for her to come back into your life 100%. Her saying she wanted to 'spare you the pain'. Well if she really wanted that, she would've stopped after the first or second time. Maybe the guilt was eating her up, but that comes with the territory. Don't pity her any because of this. What I'm trying to get at, is if you act like nothing is wrong, then she will think you aren't in much pain, but it will manifest it in other ways.

 

Glad to hear you are going to counciling, try making an appointment really soon. I know you can't push the thoughts out of your mind completely, but what you can do is try to control it. As time goes on, it will get easier to control. Just don't let it consume you. If it does, then HE wins.

 

Are you also sure that your wife has been faithful to you all these years other than this one time? That is something else you really need to think about.

[DazednConfused]

No J,

 

I am not letting her off the hook easily, I just will not give in to the impulse to shut myself off to her. If we are going to work on this, she needs to know that I still love her. I expect the same from her and she knows it.

 

She has said this is the only time, and under extreme duress to be honest, I believe her. I am sure to let her know what I am feeling all the time, and she is not back in 100%, but it is close to that. Maybe it is my mistake here, but expecting her to try to make up for this is like making reparation after an atomic bomb. She cannot pay this debt, it is too much. I never pity the conscious decisions that people make, only the consequences upon those around them.

 

My vows at marriage did not say I could leave if she hurt me badly enough. They said better or worse, so I will take the worse.

 

The difference now is that I would've walked through fire for her a year ago, not so much now.

[mtre20]

She sure put you in a tough spot. Dealing with the anger and all the the emotions that accompany something like this is no easy task.

 

I don't think it is healthy to let this always dominate your thoughts to the point it is hard to work and function. I think it is good that you are receiving support through this site, but I think you need support on a more personal basis, like a counsler, or somebody that you actually can sit down and talk to. I believe that it is important to your emotional state to be able to do this.

 

It sounds like you can forgive her though, and that is a good thing. Even if your relationship will never be the same maybe (somehow) this can be a new beginning for you and her. I believe you will have to release some of your anger though. Also you will have to forgive her to have a chance to continue your marriage, if you don't you are always going to harbor this anger and you will never be content.

 

I know it sounds corny but try taking walks in the afternoon. You can release some stress and walking is very calming to the mind, and sometimes allows you to have a different perspective. Good Luck

[Moose]

And here I thought I was the only man left who believes in his vows 110%!!! You are a noble man and I hope you can get over this, I know you probably will never be totally over it, but maybe enought to the point that it won't be on your mind every moment you're awake.

 

And no, she will NEVER be able to repay this debt. That is a very true statement. BUT, you can forgive and you will in time. Imagine if you two were in a car wreck and she was fatally injured....if given the choice: Forgive her and she shall live, or hold it inside and she dies.....I think the choice would be clear. But it's not that simple and it's only time that will heal this wound.

 

It really sounds to me that you guys are on the right track though.....even so much that council may not be needed.....and I don't mean to start preaching, but perhaps a good Church will help you two out....start going slowly and join a Sunday School for Married folk. I know that it's helped my marriage out a lot!!!

 

Keep us informed!!!

[DazednConfused]

Well, she was just here for lunch and I asked her to read this thread.

 

After she read mine she began bawling, and after all of yours, she was amazed at how open-minded your responses were. Thank you. Noone outright attacked her, and she was very suprised.

 

She is very upset that I am holding back some, so we have decided to dissapear together for the weekend and lock ourselves up in a suite someplace, live on roomservice and hash things out. I have called her sister to come and hang around with our daughter. (Daughter knows what her mother did too, btw)[great kid, very supportive, but she told me she would kick mom to the curb in my shoes, HA! ] Wife has said she is giving serious thought as to WHY she did this and will hopefully have an answer to discuss this weekend.

 

I am making an appointment for joint counseling as I type this. I will let the expert decide whether my own roiling rage will need individual attention or not. In the meantime I will kick my footbag and continue beating a 4x8 post in the back yard with my hand axe.

 

Wish us luck.

[TempSain]

Originally posted by jmargel

Temp, why in the heck would you say a therapist wouldn't help? A marriage councilor is exactly what they need.

 

I am only saying this because I think he would even resent her more.

It's actually quite embarassing to tell all these details to the therapist, a complete stranger.

I just think he needs time.

[Summerday]

Dazednconfused,

I think your awesome! I know a couple who went through the exact same situation not to long ago. She also had an affair, long story short, they divorced and remarried 10 years later. I'm sure they both wish they would have worked through it.

Good luck to you!

[hurting in Ny]

Im sorry your going thru this, Just last week I found out some very distubing news about my wife , We are married 6 years and I found out that when we were engaged my wife cheated on me with 3 Differant men, an x boyfriend on several occasions, A co worker on several Occasions and a friend of mine who was in my bridal party slept with her a few days before my wedding.

I cant even bare to look at her , this is not the person I thought I was marrying, I never had any idea this went onwe dated for 8 years before we got married and were engaged for 2 years before our wedding and she was sleeping around all over the place , we have 2 yound children and every time I look at them now I wonder if they are mine, she swears she has not cheated since we have been married but how do I believe her.

 

This all came out after A friend of hers told a friend of mine who came to me last Sunday with the news he knew about the friend incident and she came clean about the other 2 after I confronted her.

I have no idea what to do anymore, I want to leave but do I just give up on our marriage like this, I want to kick someones ass but all 3 of these guys are no where to be found, how do I even leave the house anymore without thinking she is out with someone else.

Im hurting, sorry to babble on.

[DazednConfused]

But I can relate. I have a couple of questions however about your wife and your marriage..... Have the six years been good for you both? There are children involved and I imagine that is a consideration.

 

She didn't make her vows to you or a supreme being until you were actually married, could it have been "wild oats"? Sounds like she swears there has been noone else since that day.

Can you see yourself actually forgiving and continuing your marriage? Do you love her enough?

 

In my case, I have every confidence that we will get through this. Will it ever be the same? no. But we have enough respect for each other that it will happen, whatever it takes. We are both very aware however, that there will NOT be any second chances. I will NOT be put through this again.

 

NY, you are hurting just like I am, and I do know what you are experiencing. I know it's hard to look beyond the pain and frustration and think objectively, but if you can believe she has been faithful since vows were exchanged, then you can get past indiscretions before you were married. One thing noone mentions is this perception that if you don't kick her to the curb, you have somehow caved and done the weak thing; on the contrary, it is far harder to face your problems and work to correct them. Anybody can run, real men meet their problems head on.

 

In the end, you do what you think best, but you owe it to yourself to think calmly and rationally and arrive at a decision that is truly the best for you and your children.

[Linlin]

Dazed,

 

That is what I stuggle with now. My H cheated on me with a grood friend for many months behind my back. Had I not discovered it may still be going on. He is only now showing signs of some remorse 10 weeks later and she won't leave him alone.

 

Her H is keeping her much like you. Only she is still lying to him. She wants her H for income and the appearance of family and my H to sleep with. And my H indulges her by still talking to her and not ignoring her.

 

Anyway, I struggle with the fact of if I try to work it out do I look like I am weak (see post below). And if I can't forgive am I a failure since others seem to be able to forgive?

 

Good luck to you.

[DazednConfused]

Lin,

 

I really should not be dispensing advice, as I am probably as much or more of a basket-case as anyone.

 

But only you can make the decisions that will affect every day of the rest of your life. I read your thread this morning, and I agree that your husband is not committed to making it work with you. That is not to say that he won't or can't be; but just that he isn't now.

 

The first things I made my wife do upon her admission of guilt was to get on the phone in front of me and deliver a heartfelt appology to slimebag's wife. (Whom I will forever be grateful for having the sheer guts it took to call me with the news of the sexual affair) It about killed her, but she did it. Then she told slimebag in no uncertain terms that she never wanted to see or hear from him again. (This was a dealbreaker, if she would not do this she was out on the street and she knew it) I then informed her that if he contacted her, she was to inform me immediately, take a number to call him back and let me return the call. That happened last week, and after my chat with slimebag, I called his wife to inform her that he was still trying. No-contact is essential!

 

Ask your husband directly what he wants, and don't wait forever for an answer; if he wants you and your marriage, make no-contact non-negotiable. You need that for your own peace of mind. If he is willing and you believe he will do it, you can work from there. . Don't let him delude himself into thinking that all is well from there, but be willing to take on the chin some things you don't want to hear, and be willing to meet him halfway. If he is not willing, show him the door.

 

In the end the decision is yours, you will know in your gut what to do, and if you reach inside enough you will find the strength to do it; regardless of what anyone else says.

 

I will say a prayer for you between my own little destructive tantrums..... Good Luck.

[Hurting in NY]

Dear Dazed

Our 6 years of marriage has had its ups and downs but nothing too serious. Overall I would say it is a good marriage , The thing that upsets me the most is that I knew everyone has potential to cheat, we are all tempted by attraction and this may sound corny I just never thought my wife was like that, While we were dating our sex Life was awesome, I honestly cant understand how she could have did this to me because we spent so much time together and would have sex almost daily.

 

The past year or so Our sex life has took a turn for the worse and she blames that on our children because by the end of the day she says she is too exhausted to be in the mood for sex, I am not happy about this at all but I understand and never bother her for sex.

So now im starting to think that maybe this is just an excuse and she is cheating on me with someone else or maybe she is just not sexually attracted to me .

 

Im trying my best to get thru this but this is ripping me apart , I have not eaten or slept good since I fould out the news, I dont even want to be around my daughters , last night I left in the middle of the night and went and checked into a hotel just to be alone.

 

one second I want to rip someones head off then the next I just want to cry, my pain turns into anger and vice versa, Thanks for your help and good luck with your Marriage, your a much better man than I am.

 

Ps I hope you dont mind I posted my original message underneath your thread I didnt even think to realize that this is rude, Sorry.

Thanks Joe

[Linlin]

Dear Dazed,

 

Thanks for the kind words.

 

I am glad that your wife wants to work on things with you.

 

Yesterday, my H asked me to reconsider selling the house. I said no because I think that it is a financial drain plus too many bad memeories with her. Also I think a fresh start can be good.

 

He also asked me to start counselling now. I said before that I wouldn't until we are in separate homes that way wwe can have some time apart to reflect and see if we really want each other. I haven't given an answer yet because I don't want to decieve him.

 

My big complaint is that he has told her that he wants his family back and doesn't want to be with her yet she will not leave him alone. I told him that he may have to get mean with her or get a TOR to get her to leave us alone. In fact her H approached my mother in law yesterday and upset her. Her and her family doesn't want to leave us alone. My H will have to decide what he wants more, me or being civil to her.

 

I think I am waiting to see if he is really commited to me and wants me.

 

Hurtin in NY

 

Start some counselling and see your Dr if you can't sleep. Don't be too proud to get professional help.

 

It really does work

[kimberlee]

I feel emotions towards your story, I feel so bad for you and your wife.

But one thing is you both love eachother very much, Do anything to HELP the situation. It will work out

this much love in a relationship can not just go away....

It is very cool that the 2 of you can talk this out and that she is upset that you are holding out on your feelings is a great thing, I mean most people would want to avoid this topic with someone they love,

GOOD LUCK LEEP YOUR LOVE ALIVE!!!

[DazednConfused]

Dear Lin,

 

I think selling the house is probably a good thing for you both. But I think immediate counseling may be a good thing, it might bring to light the answers to many of your questions and help you to make an informed decision.

 

Your husband is being an ash, he isn't willing to sacrifice for your love at this point, and is waffling on alot of issues. I feel bad for you that this is happening. He is acting the scared little boy and needs to face what he has done and take the hard steps to rectify.

 

I am glad you are staying strong.

[DazednConfused]

Thank you Kimberlee,

 

We will try.