Thinkalot Posted January 15, 2004 Share Posted January 15, 2004 Well, after my most recent meeting with my therapist I am going to try another new technique to overcome my problem of obsessively thinking about my bf's past/ex-wife , being insecure, comparing (blah blah you know the story) and also my need to ask him questions about things in his past - all the time! (This is some kind of control issue, where I feel that if I have all the info, I can't possibly look stupid or make wrong assumptions...only I have taken it way too far, and these thoughts can be very controlling, and also have a negative impact on me and my partner). Anyway, I know lots of others here suffer jealousy and obsessive thinking and so on, and some of these techniques could help you too...if you apply them to your area of concern. So...in addition to the very effective method of challenging my insecure thoughts and replacing them with something positive, or rationalising them until they go away, or even writing down the negatives and changing them to positives, I am now going to keep a daily journal, where for half an hour a day, I write down all the questions-big and small- I am burning to ask my partner. Believe, me, the questions which come into my head will be as simple as, "when did you go there on holiday?"...to, "how many times have you had this wine?" or "tell me again how exactly you spent Christmas when you were 10?"...It's silly stuff, and I often ask the same questions over (I forget the answers, or don't trust myself to know, then get anxious, and ask him for confirmation). At the end of say a week, I will look back on the questions and see if they seem reasonable or silly and neurotic or whatever, and therefore start to pull apart the need to do this. It will also allow me a half hour to write down the things in my head, so they don't keep rolling around and around and bug me (or, bug my bf if I don't get a grip and shut my mouth). Once the time is up, that's it for the day. I put that line of thinking to bed, so to speak. In a couple of weeks I will discuss it with my therapist and see how its helped and go from there. Anyway, these methods might help you if you have any issues like me. If your self esteem is low, try writing down all the good things about yourself, and all that you've done in life. That has helped me regain a much stronger sense of who I am and my sense of selfworth, which in turn makes me a more secure and less clingy partner. On the whole, I am feeling much better in myself than I did just 3 or 4 weeks ago, since all this reading, thinking, positive affirmations and so on...so small steps forward are continuing and the laughs and smiles are flowing much more easily in our home now. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 15, 2004 Share Posted January 15, 2004 It's very kind of you to share your insights, Thinkalot! It's terrific to hear that you're doing so well. It sounds like you'll have this monkey off your back before much longer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted January 15, 2004 Author Share Posted January 15, 2004 Thanks merry. Ironically, we actually had a big barney last night (not about my obsessing issues though, although I suspect they have created some built up tension and anger in him over these past months of grief) and got very volatile and heated and yuk! I guess life is full of challenges to keep us on our toes! My bf and I have worked hard to improve our communication techniques, but sometimes we fall into the old patterns, and just like in Men are from Mars, I end running around the house chasing my man, crying and emotional, while he retreats further and further into his cave and gets more and more cold and angry and starts swearing at me and pleading for me to give him space. That makes me more upset and demanding and hurt. Which makes him more angry. And so the age old cycle begins. Sigh. I'm sure to a fly on the wall it would like quite comedic and ridiculous. We each know what not to do, but sometimes we just slip up. Oh well, we've kissed and made up and reminded each other we love each other this morning. At least our life is not dull. Link to post Share on other sites
Charley Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 hey thinkalot, you say you have to ask your boyfriend things like where he went on holiday when he was 10 or whatever. how is that destructive at all? to me that just seems like curiosity. is it the same as having to ask (or thinking i have to ask) about the details of my boyfriends sex life before me? cos i know this is desructive, and hurtful to me, but even doing what you said and looking back on them i feel like i stillneed to know, just so i know and can hurt myself further by imagining exactly went on between him and another girl (even though i cannot imagine it really, i imagine theworst instead) so why is that sort of past a problem? and do you know any methods to stop me thinking/asking bout the sexual past? thanks *^ ^* ~ Link to post Share on other sites
rubie Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 Thinkalot, you should so much like me. I take it you feel compelled to ask questions often? I certainly do; so much that when I don't, my stomach hurts and I feel dizzy. I think this may be related to underlying jealousy issues I have to suppress every day of my life. I'm not sure what my point is in posting this, but I am relieved to hear that I am not the only person who has this problem. I just made a list of about 40 questions I would love to ask my boyfriend - just little insignificant things I would like to know but I know would sound odd if I were to ask them. Oh well, hopefully your idea about writing it all down will in some way ameliorate my situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Prettyangel Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 Kudos for you! Stay strong and know you are special! Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 Good stuff Thinkalot! If your self esteem is low, try writing down all the good things about yourself, and all that you've done in life. Also ask others (friends/family/bf/co-workers/other LSkers). We have only met in cyberspace but I know lots of good things about you already. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted January 20, 2004 Author Share Posted January 20, 2004 Originally posted by rubie I take it you feel compelled to ask questions often? I certainly do; so much that when I don't, my stomach hurts and I feel dizzy. I think this may be related to underlying jealousy issues I have to suppress every day of my life. : Yes yes yes! That is me, and how I feel too, when the demon thoughts get on top of me. I think an important thing to remember, it to understand WE CAN NEVER KNOW EVERYTHING OR HAVE COMPLETE CONTROL, We need to accept that and believe that IT IS OK! So, we might look a bit silly or foolish or make a wrong assumption- sooo?? If those around us love us , they won't be judging. This is a concept I am working on. Also, feel good about your own life, and you'll feel less jealous of others. And on the question thing, if you write them down and then look at them later, and they seem OK to you, and don't make you feel anxious asking them ( a sure sign they are a bit loaded)..then you probably can ask them. Moderation is ok. Also, re the sexual stuff...yes it bugs me too...but I have worked on trying not to go there, and replacing the thoughts with how good my existing sex life is, and all the new things we can explore together. Remember, sex is new in every relationship and special. PLEASE don't get the details. I've done it too, and it only makes things worse. And remember also, YOU HAVE A PAST AS WELL. Sometimes reminding myself of that helps put things back in perspective. I was not a virgin when my guy met me. My anti-depressants have also helped calm me down and think more rationally and most side effects seem to have worn off. And yes, I know asking questions can be ok, but not when u are compelled to do so all the time and it becomes like a constant interrogation! It's too much to expect someone to always be answering a pop quiz on their life! And thanks for the support again meanon...I actually asked my mum and best friend to help me write the list. Good luck everyone else who if trying to overcome stuff like me. PM me if you want to talk about it any further. I might not be able to help, but then again I might! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted January 20, 2004 Author Share Posted January 20, 2004 P.S. re the list to help self esteem, I certainly appreciate all the positive comments and reinforcement that I am on the right track..they all help me, whenever I read them I know we need to feel good from within, but external reinforcement does help. Plus, all of you should feel proud of yourselves for doing something to help make yourself an even better person than you are already! Lots of people don't even recognise they have an issue, let alone try and fix it Link to post Share on other sites
Charley Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 Actually thinkalot, your signature thing helps me when i feel down... "love like there's no tomorrow" I really like this, it helps me put things into perspective and imagine what it would be like to lose my boyfriend. so thankyou for helping, even if it is in a slightly abstract way! Link to post Share on other sites
Venéa Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 Thinkalot - I love reading your posts, I can relate to them so easily and you share your advice with us so freely - it's much helpful. I'm going to try this, because the jealousy (and other things) is constantly a niggle in my head, and perhaps if I did this, it might not be there so often. I've already tried the 'stop' method, which works pretty well sometimes. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted January 22, 2004 Author Share Posted January 22, 2004 I'm glad I can be of some help. I figure that if my problems and experiences can help others, then that is great! One other suggestion, it helps to also be busy...not as an escape from a real problem, but as a distraction at first, then as something to feel proud of, or good about. Do courses, or exercise regularly or start a new hobby. You have less time to look inwards and worry then and also feel productive! I took up some arts and crafts myself...quite theraputic. I also exercise a fair bit, which always makes me feel good. Oh, and of course LS has also helped, by giving regular feedback and mixed perspectives and making me feel less isolated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted January 25, 2004 Author Share Posted January 25, 2004 Well, I thought I may as well keep this thread going, for those of you in a similar spot to me. I've been writing down my obsessive questions...and it has actually saved me from asking my guy quite a few silly/neurotic things...phew! Some of the questions have actually not gone away yet, and I have learnt that that is OK. They will eventually and until they do, I just keep writing the same questions down as I wrote the day before! It has also been a release for me to do this. So anyway fellow obsessers, stick with it! Hope these methods keep helping. I am certainly doing a lot better and feeling more independent (as those of you who have read my last post in the gen. relationship section know!). When you loosen your grip on someone, it is amazing how much more they are able to give to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Venéa Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 Hey thinkalot - can I ask you a question, considering you'll probably understand this more than most people. I've been doing all these methods, have been working so well actually. In fact, I hadn't really had an obsessive jealous moment for weeks, until Friday. My boyfriend and I go into our local to meet up with our friends and who is there with them but his ex-best friend with HER and they were there all night. Now, I know sometimes it's the little, silly things that trigger jealousy but seeing her around everyone almost sent me over the edge. All that I've practised didn't seem to work anymore, and now I can't seem to make these methods work, it's like my head WANTS to think about it - am I back at square one again? It's getting exhausting. I know, as you said, that things can't change overnight, but am I going to be like this everytime I see her (which is alot, considering we have the same group of friends) star Do I just start over again? I'm not sure where to start now... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted January 25, 2004 Author Share Posted January 25, 2004 Venea, HI I can feel for you and I do understand. No, I don't think it's like you are back at square one. I would like to share with you this: Many times I have had a great week (or at least a great few days!) where the questions/jealousy/obsessing has not been there, or at least, not caused me too much grief. Then I think- yay! I'm just about over it! Yay for me! Then, often the very next day, BANG! It's back full on...and then I despair and think...what is going on????!!! It can be anything which may trigger it...perhaps even a careless remark by my bf about something he and his ex-wife did, said quite innocently as part of a normal conversation. Then my mind grabs on to it,and runs with it. Even, after my positive post about how I am becoming more independent and so on, last night I had a small setback, where some thoughts came in at me. It was something simple, a reference to Australia Day (today!), and some of the activities they used to do together (It came up because I asked). I thought I could handle it, but all of the sudden I got the old tightness in the belly and started worrying that my bf was happier in his life then, than in his life with me (they lived in a busier place, had more social life and a circle of friends--we live in a small town, with few friends close by etc). This is a recurring insecurity of mine. Anyhow, I dealt with it, told my bf I was having a moment of panic...he reassured me he is HAPPIER now, and doesn't need the big social network, and I made sure I did not go on about it after that. What I think happens to us is, our brains are so used to going into this mode, as a protective mechanism, provoked by our misplaced fears and insecurities. So now we are trying to tell our brains, it's OK to let it go. BUT, our minds are so used to this concept, our subconscious is frightened of change, it doesn't get it just yet, it wants to look after us, THE WAY IT IS USED TO. So it hangs on tightly, and we are terrified to let go. My idea is this, in those moments, dont beat yourself up, don't get hard on yourself...accept it as a setback, and tell yourself you have already come along way. Then be strict with your mind, try some positive self talk and tell yourself, you do not need to fear her or the past. You are a great woman and he's lucky to have you in the present. He isn't even thinking of her..only you are! It's just fears and demons in your own head. Tell them to piss right off if you have to. The methods will still work for you...just get tough on your mind, and get back on with looking forward. That's what I do. It's getting easier now. I also think we will find, that if we force ourselves to stop worrying, even for a day, and to let the fear go, we will find nothing bad will happen to us. We'll be OK! Then we can build up to longer periods of time again, just like you have already done. It's working for me. I used to be obsessed with counting calories. I had to overcome that issue in a similar way...I was terrified to eat more, even though I needed to. Eventually I did...and guess what...I looked and felt better and everyone told me so! I beat the fear. You can do it, PM me anytime if you want to. I find writing this stuff is theraputic for me too! I may even post about a few of the niggly thoughts I haven't quite beaten down yet! All the best. Thinkalot. Link to post Share on other sites
Venéa Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 Thanks Thinkalot, it is extremely theraputic to talk about things on here. Good way to get it out of my system without it getting so built up. We talked about it last night actually, because I was incredibly pissed off that he went out with his buddy, and that couple. It bothered me alot, because if he'd been invited when I was with him (I was working) he would have turned it down, because he'd know how it'd affect me. But to him she "isn't there" and he's only going out with his friends. Still, it gets to me more than the other ex's I guess because the past should be the past...and it's like she being around is invading OUR present. I am trying to tell myself that she isn't important, that I am a great person and deserve the best (which I have with him) and she is only a memory. As you said, I don't think my brain wants to let it go just yet but I'm trying. It'll get better in a little while, and I'll let it go...just guess I'll be waiting for another setback to occur. Ah well, that's life I guess. Just gotta get on with it as best you can. Thanks ALOT, Venéa. By the way, I read a LOT of people's posts about how they have to remind themselves that they have sexual pasts aswell as their partner so maybe they shouldn't be too hard on them and get upset...what if I don't? I sometimes wish I did so he would maybe understand why I feel so depressed sometimes and maybe I wouldn't be as bad because I'd know that he was feeling the same? I'm just rambling a thought ignore me lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted January 26, 2004 Author Share Posted January 26, 2004 I hearwhat you are saying. Try and remember, that we all have our own paths to walk, and they are all different. What is right for you, is right for you- it's your unique path...and if that means different, or less sexual experiences or whatever, well so be it. You should feel lucky..lots of people have terrible, empty sexual experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
Venéa Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 Originally posted by Thinkalot You should feel lucky..lots of people have terrible, empty sexual experiences. Totally, I keep telling myself that - have heard of many experiences which they themselves cringe at the thought of. I'm feeling ok today. Tried to just not think about it at all. It's usually when I'm alone (like just now) I start to think but I'm just trying to keep myself busy. BTW, before I forget Thinkalot; I can't believe how rude I was to not congratulate you on how well you are doing - you are proof that people can overcome these problems and just knowing there's people out there who are getting on with it and making their life stronger, it just is so admiring. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted January 27, 2004 Author Share Posted January 27, 2004 Thanks! I can relate to the thinking when alone thing! I sometimes surf LS just to keep my mind occupied, and my mind on other things. It's been a great help! I also exercise, read, meditate, do crafts! It all helps. It has also obviously helped me work through things and know I am not alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted February 5, 2004 Author Share Posted February 5, 2004 Just wanted to add something here. The writing down questions approach DOES help, but don't expect an immediate 100% success rate! I asked my guy if I was getting better at asking less questions, when I launch into my usual "20 questions" routine (this can be about ANYTHING in his past that comes up...eg. "yes, Thinkalot, I loved playing guitair in year 11"...I respond with "when did you buy the guitar? where did you buy the guitar? how much did it cost?" and so on... It has to be a control tendency of mine, because quite frankly I don't think I am THAT interested in the actual topic...I just feel safe knowing ALL THE FACTS!). Anyhow, my guy answered with "you still ask 20 questions when you get started, you just get started a lot less often". So, small steps...he has much more patience with the odd "20 questions" than he did when they were a daily, (or even more so), occurrence. So to anyone trying this stuff, hang in there! Also, you need to be diligent with the whole approach. As I posted recently in the relationship section, we had great success on a recent short holiday...but I still had moments of jealousy when the old obsessive thought patterns kicked in. I asked on here for more solutions, or tactics, but I have come to think that what I am doing is basically fine, it just takes patience and perserverance. Be easy on yourself and reward yourself, and remember, ALL your steps forward, even if they are only small at first. I am discovering that lots of small steps, can eventually cover quite a big distance. I am very aware of times when I still f*** up and get frustrated at those times, but when I stand back and look at the BIG picture, I have actually come a long way in the past couple of months, from where I was. meanon also suggested something good in another thread of mine. Detachment. Let the thoughts come in, don't fight them, or try to rationalise them, or combat them, just observe them, think calmly about what they are, accept that it's normal for you that they are happening at this time, and eventually they will pass, and you will calm back down. This can work in situations where you don't have time, or space, to combat the thoughts with logic positive thoughts. Anyway, I might be talking to myself here, but I am hoping some of you with similar problems might read this and get something out of it! Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted February 5, 2004 Share Posted February 5, 2004 I might be talking to myself here LOL Thinkalot I doubt it, you always have an eager audience Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted February 5, 2004 Share Posted February 5, 2004 Thinkalot, You're lucky - your boyfriend is patient and gives you reassurance. In my relationship, I'm the only one doing the work of trying to fix my insecurities. Last night something came up - for the first time ever - and all he said was, "if this is the way it's going to be every time, this isn't going to work." Gee thanks. That makes me feel real secure. If I make one false move, he's ready to bail. I know it's my responsibility to work on my problems, some of which are similar to yours, but his attitude makes me want to give up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted February 5, 2004 Author Share Posted February 5, 2004 I'm sorry to hear that FreeMe. Maybe you could try explaining your concerns to him, the way you have expressed them on here? Perhaps there is a reason he is so touchy-- an old girlfriend maybe had jealousy issues or something? Some men find it hard to relate to a woman's insecurities, it is true. But try talking. I wish you luck! Let us know how you get on. Maybe also explain to him gently how it is hard for you. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted February 6, 2004 Share Posted February 6, 2004 Thanks Thinkalot, Actually, it's kind of the other way around. He was married for years and had a lot of freedom in the relationship. I don't really think she cared one way or the other what he was doing. The thing is, he's not used to having to reassure someone, or having anything he says doubted or questioned so he has no patience for it. Of course, he had a lot of freedom, but he also didn't have attention or affection. I don't think he realizes that if he wants someone who actually does care where he is and what he's doing and actually wants him around, he may have to be willing to put a little effort in. Meanwhile, my insecurities are making me tense and miserable and making me want to pull away and just spend the rest of my life alone. I'm not sure how to handle it. I started a thread about it but only one person answered. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted February 7, 2004 Author Share Posted February 7, 2004 Sorry I didn't notice the thread you started FreeMe. I think you need to explain to your guy, that relationships which are close, and caring, also do require work, and may not have as much freedom as he was used to...but that you are you, and a different person to the ex...with different needs. Within reason, ask if he could maybe try just having a little patience, and reassuring you sometimes when you need it. Say it's important to you to talk about this stuff, and explain where you are coming from. That might help open the lines of communication for you two. Don't ever think it's better to just give in to your insecurities, and be alone cos it's easier! I've thought that way sometimes too! When I was really bad last year, I used to wonder if I just wasn't able to be in a close intense loving relationship, because I just couldn't seem to get a handle on my jealousy/insecurity and obsessing! But life is so rewarding and fulfilling when you have someone who loves you, and who you can love and share things with. So just keep working on yourself, and you will get there in time. I AM lucky my guy has stuck by me (he nearly left a few times last year though)...and I am lucky things are improving. But I've been working hard at it, and he's been working on being patient too and trying to understand what I am going through. It took a while, and I am lucky he was so open to trying. He also saw how hard I was trying! And sometimes, FreeMe I STILL have really yuk days, and think ...What is going on?? But they pass, and the balance restores itself. I feel for you, and wish you luck working through this. Let us know how you get on! Link to post Share on other sites
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