How to deal with breaking up from addictive relationship?

[Fleabitten]

Just looking for some support really. Anyone recognise anything in this crazy story?

 

I have only just realised that I'm in the middle of the break-up from was I suppose is a text-book addictive relationship and I'm finding it extremely difficult to come to terms with the fact that we really are breaking up.

 

The back story:

I'm 35, he is 30. We've been going out for around 1.5 years. I think I had certain alarm bells from pretty early on, but I love him so much that I completely ignored them. The sex was always incredible, and has weirdly got better and more intense since the relationship really started to deteriorate. I'm more attracted to him that I've been to anyone else.

 

I have a history of depression and anxiety and have spent years on medication and in therapy so outside of this relationship I would say I'm a pretty self-aware person and I used to be a very confident person - not easy to be with, but I've had two previous very long term relationships (longest one 7 years) where there have been no signs of the types of dynamics that this relationship shows. We wind each other up to the point of no control.

 

What went wrong/the dynamics:

I am jealous, especially of his ex who is his best friend. I'm also extremely independent and spend too much time on my hobby so he feels neglected, he would want me to be around more. He felt trapped by my jealousy and my not giving up my hobby to be with him more (though I did make a lot of concessions towards this, IMO), and became verbally abusive, calling me names, telling me I was bad in bed, fat, old, mental etc. He couldn't understand how these things hurt me since "he obviously didn't mean them". He would break up with me every few weeks, we would spend a few days obsessively sending text messages etc, he'd normally go on a drugs/booze binge (yep, there are issues there) and then come back. Repeat ad nausaum.

 

I tried to communicate to him how i feel, telling him clearly what i need and what upsets me, asking him to explain to me what he would need from me to make the relationship better. He would block all my attempts and be sarcastic and hurtful, lay all blame on me, even blaming me for making him verbally abusive. So we'd never resolve anything at all. His opinion was "why should I consider your feelings on this when your feelings are wrong?"?

 

He was also obsessively jealous of a man I had a brief sexual fling with before we met - he claims his jealousy is my fault for being jealous of him and his ex - ie, I that brought jealousy into our relationship. He even went as far as sending me emails previous sexual partners had sent him where they tell him how amazing he is, just to hurt me. It certainly did hurt.

 

We moved in together. It was ok. He is lacking in a lot of characteristics my exes had and that I need and miss, but I felt it didn't matter because the highs were so amazing. The lows were terrible, I've missed days of work and neglected other important things in my life. The sex was amazing and the chemistry between us seemed to make up for everything.

 

The end:

The relationship culminated with a number of crazy events involving possessions being smashed, minor injuries to us both (more due to drunken scuffles rather than actual meditated violence, but still crazy), slander of each other on bloody Facebook like teenagers would do (absolutely shamefully embarrassing) - he started this and in the end I sunk to his level and now I look even worse than him. I come across as crazy, he thinks he is not to blame for anything (maybe some name calling, but then I made him do that, so even that is my own fault) and I'm so scared of his anger and contempt that I don't even argue with it, I just sit there and take it and plead for him not to be angry. I also called the police because I was scared and he got arrested (he claims I lied to the police as he has done nothing wrong). I regret this deeply and of course it makes me look very bad to his friends. We broke up, we slept together a few times. He keeps telling me about all the girls that are after him now (despite accusing me of infidelity which is completely untrue and hitting the roof if I would suggest that others are interested in me too) and how all his friends and family hate me for being a crazy lying bitch and getting him arrested when he's done nothing wrong. I find myself, incredibly, agreeing with all this in order to settle things down and make this relationship into what I know it can never be, desperate to avoid further turmoil. I'm not setting any boundaries because I was scared of his anger, scared of the hurtful things I knew he'd say, and that he would walk out yet again. He finally broke it off again a few days ago - with me losing all dignity, begging for him to stay, promising to change etc etc.

 

Now:

I don't even want to be in this crazy messed up relationship, but I can't let him go. I worry that I will never find anyone that I have this chemistry with. I worry that i will never find anyone as attractive again. I worry that sex will never be as good. The thought of him sleeping with someone else (which I'm pretty sure he'll do soon) drives me to anxiety I can't control.

 

I don't even know anymore whether I'm the abusive, horrible person and he is actually a lovely innocent guy. I feel that if any of my friends or family tell me he is bad and I need to leave, its because I've twisted the story or somehow portrayed him in a bad light, because its all my fault. I've turned into an undignified, crazy, out of control shadow of the woman I used to be. I know I need to never contact him again but I know that if he came back and wanted to try again (its usually always me who does this, crazily enough) I'd take him back.

 

I've been miserable in this relationship. I've lost myself. I'm losing time. I'm obsessed with our chemistry and how good it was when it was good.

 

Sorry for the essay, I just find it really hard to talk to anyone about this in real life - guess I'm still a bit afraid of making him look bad and angering him… just in case he'd wan't me back...

[Mack05]

Hi Fleabitten you don't need me to tell you just how unhealthy your past relationship was. I really don't see how you can mend something that is so broken and more importantly why would you want to?. I wrote a thread on addictive personalities -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t281521/. Unless you have gone through something like this its hard to be empathetic. I have been involved in a toxic relationship in the past, but nothing on the level you are describing. Addictive/Toxic relationships are the toughest to move on. But I guarentee you in time you will look back and wonder what the hell was I thinking!

 

I think you need to focus on getting over this guy and learning how to improve yourself as a person. I would recommend two books for you. 1) How to break your addiction to a person (http://www.amazon.com/How-Break-Your-Addiction-Person/dp/0553382497) 2) "Why Can't You Read My Mind? Overcoming the 9 Toxic Thought Patterns that Get in the Way of a Loving Relationship"

 

From reading your post he doesn't want to work with you on resolving your issues as a couple, therefore its impossible to go forward. I think it's a good thing too because this is as toxic a relationship as you can get. It will only get worse in time. In my opinion things have gone to far. I think it's time to leave go and move forward with your life. As you read in my thread above I know how hard this process is, but if I can do it then so can you. I wish you well

Edited September 14, 2011 by Mack05

[Fleabitten]

Thank you for reading and thank you for your reply. Very good link Mack05.

 

Why would I want to fix something that is so broken?

 

Because I now take all responsibility for the things that went wrong. Because I think that if I could change, he'd never hurt me again.

 

Because only two months ago we were the happiest we've ever been in our lives and wanted to get married. Because I can't bear the thought of being with someone else. Because I can't bear the thought of him being with somebody else. Because I gloss over the things he did wrong to me, because I look at it through rose-tinted glasses.

 

Because I am a fool and I love him. Because my brain and common sense seems to have been disconnected from my heart.

[Kageytn]

I'm basically in the same boat without the physical abuse. It's all mind games and emotional/verbal abuse. I also suffer from major anxiety. My anxiety causes me to push and push and push. It's a horrible dynamic. I push he pulls. I pull and he pushes. My ex and I could do this for years but I'm exhausted. This is it.

 

I've learned to feel without acting. Feel the anxiety but don't act on it. Feel the pain without reaching out.

 

Ask yourself why you don't value yourself more. Why don't you have boundaries? Why did you choose him? Nice guys don't slander girls or hit them. You know this deep in your core.

 

Read those books. They are great. And reward yourself for every day of no contact. I kept talking to mine and it just made it worse. I felt weak. When you stop talking, eventually you will feel empowered and in control. Those feelings are better than the feelings you got from him.

 

Cliched but one day at a time. One hour at a time. Time will make you feel better. It will.

 

We've been broken up since 7-14. He broke up with me three more times after that date. He wants to be friends. He wants to text me. We are on 96 hours of no contact. I'm off the rollercoaster. I feel great. It takes time.

[Fleabitten]

Kageytn, thanks for your reply. God, I feel for you. The dynamic of these relationships is crippling.

 

I think I chose him because of the attraction - my previous 7 year relationship basically ended because there wasn't enough sexual attraction to sustain it (it never was from the start but I valued so many other things about that man) and I was determined that the next one would be passionate.

 

To be fair to him he didn't hit me. He just smashed my iphone, my laptop, my tv and my front door and pushed me. I pushed him too when trying to stop him from destrpying my things, so he now claims everything he did was in self defense because he'd NEVER hurt a woman. He doesn't comprehend that there are other ways of hurting a woman than physical violence. I see perfectly well how nuts this sounds to somebody elses ears... I do know this deep in my core, you are right.

 

I just wish he'd take some responsibility for this too. I hate the thought that he will walk away the "victim" and that he will bad mouth me to everyone he knows. Which he will, because he truly doesn't think he has done anything wrong. The worst thing is maybe that I truly question whether its just my fault. Whether I'm the one who did all this, all on my own.

 

Its definitely an hour at the time right now. I've got some anti anxiety meds so I can be at work without throwing up with nausea from anxiety every 30 mins.

[Kageytn]

I live in a small town so I've spent time being embarrassed. I thought we were getting married. We were in therapy. We were looking at houses and he was spending time with my kids. Then the kids and I were just thrown away.

 

He has a horrible reputation for being mean and having messed up relationships. People warned me and I ignored them. I changed him. We dated four years. I believed in him and everyone was right. I was wrong.

 

No one is judging me. They are happy I'm out. His friends know the truth. Take that worry out if your worry box. People like our exes don't fool everyone. They just fool a select few-the vulnerable, the low self esteem sufferers.

 

Mine has to start dating younger and younger to get the control he seeks. Older women sense his dysfunction now. I started dating him after the death of my husband. I was vulnerable.

 

Give yourself a break. Stop thinking! I don't know how to do that but, if you do, stop it. Distract yourself. Go exercise or knit or write or build a voo-doo doll (joking)!

 

It'll get better but it takes time. Get through these first weeks without talking to him. Don't make my mistake.

[Mack05]

Flea I posted this reply in another thread. I think the advice is relevant for you. Firstly, I think everyone going through a tough time has their brain disconnect from the heart. That's why follow your heart is not always the best advice..You need to stop taking responsibility for the relationship failing..It was down to the BOTH of you.

 

I think bad communication is the main reason for sooooooooooooo many failed relationships in life. I believe if you share the same core values, love, honesty, compassion, empathy and trust, that you have enough there to make any relationship work. Yet still relationships fail. Why? Bad communication. You and your ex Flea right now are incapable of good communication. That is down to both of you..It is my biggest achilles heel in truth, my biggest flaw. Too many times in the past, I would say hurtful things in heat of the moment (in arguments) that I put absolutely no thought into. When we would make up, I would forget what I said, but the person who is at the end of the hurtful comment holds onto it A LOT longer. This kind of behaviour erodes at your relationship and if changes are not made, you end up losing everything.

 

Of course you can have bad communication and have no arguments take place. You can be drifting apart without even realising it. Great communication is an art form. It's something none of us will ever truly master in my opinion. It is something we (both partners) should continually work on in relationships over weeks/months/years. In my last relationship both my ex and myself communicated horribly. I am now in a new relationship with an amazing woman and I am determined to learn from my past mistakes, as I already know I never want to lose her. She too wants to take time and make sure we are communicating correctly. We have both bought books on relationship communication. The one's I bought are ->

 

1) "Healthy Relationship: 92 Affirmations For Turning A Bad Relationship Into A Better Relationship Without Needing Relationship Counselling!"

2) "Why Can't You Read My Mind? Overcoming the 9 Toxic Thought Patterns that Get in the Way of a Loving Relationship"

3) "Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict"

 

Flea, when you go into a relationship and u believe you can (or are looking to) 'fix' your partner, then the relationship is doomed before it ever truly started. This a hard lesson I have learned myself. A healthy relationship should never involve one partner, believing they can change the other, or be their saviour.

 

A healthy relationship involves two people who start off by sharing a connection, then they realise quiet quickly they share the same core values and automatically seem to have the same dreams for the future. Everything else just happens naturally and once the relationship foundations have been built correctly, you can overcome the bumps along the way with confidence and belief. You and this guy simply don't have a relationship foundation to cope with the lows.

 

Now it's time to focus on you. I know most women, even if they loved their ex's would not stay with a man who did not respect them. As hard as this must be to hear, it's clear from his personal criticisms above that your ex does not respect you. The question you need to be asking yourself is not "will be be with other women" and giving yourself anxiety attacks, it should be "why did you put up with such shoddy treatment for so long?" I know most answers women give are "because I loved him". That is such a silly aswer for me. Different people have different thresholds..For example, I have heard women who have been physically abused by thug alcoholics stay in a relationship and when asked why did they stay, again they say "because I loved him" and I wanted the good times back (they never do come back, not long term anyway). But what is the limit here? What does a man need to do before a woman leaves him? Shoot her? Or is it a case of after 10 or so years of constantly getting beat up, do they eventually say enough. My point is "I love him" is never a good enough reason to stay with a man, who you don't truly respect and/or who doesn't respect you. You have reached that point in your relationship where its time to leave and deep down you know this. It's time to free yourself of this grip that he has over you (easier said then done, but we are here for you).

 

Flea you need to turn this inwards towards you. Forgive your ex for all he did and focus on your own flaws and failings. I repeat myself alot on this site, but alot of times the advise is the same. To stay with a guy like this for as long as you did means you must have self esteem problems of your own. Focus on making yourself a better person. Go to the gym, go to church, volunteer, be a better friend/aunt/mother/daughter/niece/sister etc etc. Buy new clothes, work harder in your job, get out more etc etc. Basically just try live your life as best as you can. Put the focus and your thoughts on you and not your ex. Thinking about what you could do to change things are thinking of him with other women will effect your recovery. Rebuild your self esteem, work hard on your flaws and the rest will take care of itself. When we rebuild our self esteem we start attracting the right kind of people. He isn't right for you and never will be. How much more time do you want to waste on a relationship that will never be right?. Just like heroin is not good for the addict. Like the addict, you have a tough journey on breaking your addiction. Anytime you need me just pop me a private message. I've been there and come out the otherside. A far stronger, more rounded individual. You will get there Flea. One small step at a time, just keep moving forward....

Edited September 14, 2011 by Mack05

[Besmy]

Dear Fleabitten,

 

I feel so sorry for you dear.

I have never been even close to a similar relationship but have a couple of thoughts.

 

You fear that nobody will ever match that chemistry. Well somebody will, believe me. He is not the only remaining man on the planet and when you are ready to love again you will feel that magic chemistry / attraction because it comes from within yourself, from your body and brain, it's not given to you by him. With the right man it will come out of you again.

 

He has greatly contributed to your insecurity by telling you- as you say - that you are:

"bad in bed, fat, old, mental"

I cannot imagine how and why you put up with this level of abuse. If a man had told me a tiny fraction of that I would have kicked him out that very second.

He didn't mean it and didn't understand why you were hurt? Pity that you didn't reciprocate his compliments. If you had told him that his tool was so minuscule you needed a microscope to see it or that you felt more when cutting your nails than when having sx with him, I am not so sure that he would have appreciated the compliments that "clearly you didn't mean".

 

Anyway, your insecurity made you maybe too jealous, afraid of losing him, afraid of him sleeping with other women. You say you were jealous of his ex. Maybe you didn't have a good reason for that and they were just friends. I cannot comment on this as I don't know the details.

 

He has certainly got some mental issues for blaming you for his own behaviour. Mentally healthy adults are responsible for their own behaviour. This is logical and is also confirmed by common sense as reflected in the Law. An offender cannot blame other people for making him commit offences against the law. The same applies here. What he does, he does because he wants to do it. Stop thinking that it is your fault.

 

Your hobbies: great stuff. I also have got many hobbies. When I am in a relationship I have less time for my hobbies, yet when I am busy with them, my bf is normally happy to have his own time for his own friends / activities. People do not have to spend every free second together. Having time for oneself and missing each other is healthy. I don't know how much time you spent on (what is this hobby?) your hobby as opposed to being with him so cannot comment on that.

 

He sent you e-mail from his previous partners? That's appalling. Pity that you didn't re-forward them to his ex partners with some comments to show them what a jewel this guy is. He's an immature attention-seeker, somebody on this forum would call him a narcissist.

 

You slept together after breaking up? So you didn't really break up, did you? That's confusing.

 

He tells you that all the girls of the world are after him? Yea, sure! I'm also after him! Again, he's an immature attention-seeker.

 

To summarise, he seems to have completely the upper hand in this relationship. You are ready to do and you do everything to be with him and he knows it. You don't even dare setting boundaries to his appalling behaviour for fear of losing him and he knows it. You think you can only be happy with him and he knows it. That's not wise eh!

 

You do deserve better my dear.

There are nice men out there, men with whom you can have great sx, great fun and be happy. HE IS NOT THE ONLY ONE ON THE PLANET ENDOWED WITH THE MAGIC STICK.

 

The fact that he is jealous only confirms that you are an attractive lady. You shall now work to turn that attractive lady into a CONFIDENT lady.

You know you can do it !

Please go 100% NO CONTACT NOW and work on yourself.

 

Read the books recommended by other friends here (yes, we are all your friends and we support you:bunny:) and learn to LOVE YOURSELF first of all. There is a nice thread about behaving like a Queen, I suggest you read it.

 

We are here any time (we all live in different time zones and parts of the world...) for you.

 

A big hug.

[Mack05]

great reply Besmy...

[Fleabitten]

Thank you so much for your fantastic, thoughtful replies. The crazy thing is that if someone had said to me before I met him that their boyfriend had called them a fraction of the things he called me, I'd have told them to leave straight away. My previous partners never slandered me. I do happen to know that my (recent) ex (that this is all about) has previously been slightly verbally abusive to previous girlfriends. Not on this level, but the tendencies were there for sure.

 

I don't know how I came to accept this. I am secure in myself, I run my own business, I used be considered beautiful before (not looking so hot now since I don't really eat or sleep), much liked, never had difficulty in attracting men. Of course he has told me that I am incapable of ever being happy with anyone. I don't have a clue how I've just swallowed all this. I never even told my friends about it because i didn't want them to dislike him.

 

He expected me to come to his gigs. My hobby is horse riding and I do spend a lot of time riding and competing. He never ONCE in a year and a half came to see my horses...

 

You are all completely right, he doesn't respect me. Probably low self-esteem on his part and I'm a forgiving person and he isn't - but who cares…? I'm the one who got more hurt.

 

He will go on and sleep with lots of girls and hang out with his friends that he would never dream of mis-treating. He will go on thinking he is an amazing, loyal, funny, crazy in a good way kind of guy because that's what he has convinced himself.

 

I know I need to move on. But perhaps apart of me wants to tell him that he is a total ar$ehole and I don't ever want him to contact me again because the last he saw of me was a begging, shameful, desperate woman who would have done anything for him and I don't want to give him the upper hand of thinking that he is that great…

 

I shall order the suggested books straight away.

 

Thank you.

[Fleabitten]

Today just feeling completely sick and exhausted, sleeping pills make me sleep for a few hours but then its just uncontrollable anxiety. The nights are the worst as there are no distractions. I'm not able to do my job properly. I miss him so much it takes over everything and I even forget I'm angry.

[Mack05]

Today just feeling completely sick and exhausted, sleeping pills make me sleep for a few hours but then its just uncontrollable anxiety. The nights are the worst as there are no distractions. I'm not able to do my job properly. I miss him so much it takes over everything and I even forget I'm angry.

 

Flea I am one of these old fashioned people that believe medication like sleeping pills and painkillers do more harm then good. I would recommend herbal remedies for sleep problems. Also I would buy a book (or google articles) on meditation. Meditation will help you with anxiety problems. It will help you get back control when you are having an anxiety attack.

 

Also before going to bed try excerise (long walk, gym, Pilates etc etc). Then have a long hot bath. Use radox or one of these products that help relax the body.

 

Last but not least. This is the hardest part. When you find yourself focusing/obessesing about your ex, try move your thoughts back into you and how you are feeling. When you are feeling sorry or negative about yourself learn to stop that train of thought.

 

If all the above still doesn't help you then its time to look at Therapy. Just give it a try for a few weeks and hopefully you will see a difference.

[Fleabitten]

I actually feel worse from herbal sleep remedies. I exercise loads. I might go back into therapy.

 

I thought I was feeling a bit better but sometimes when I think of him my stomach just drops and I feel nauseous. I know he will be sleeping with someone else soon, I don't know why this bothers me so incredibly. I just want to know if this was all my fault or if he really isn't a very good person. I keep wanting him back and I can't quite convince me that he has actually done anything wrong, maybe its me, what if it was all my fault... I feel like I'm going crazy, my anxiety knows no bounds. (((

[Fleabitten]

A friend found his profile on a dating site today... 6 weeks ago he wanted to marry me and we lived together. Clearly that can never have been true.

 

So he's out there trying to date/have sex and I'm just a complete mess of anxiety, tears and grief.

[Mack05]

A friend found his profile on a dating site today... 6 weeks ago he wanted to marry me and we lived together. Clearly that can never have been true.

 

So he's out there trying to date/have sex and I'm just a complete mess of anxiety, tears and grief.

 

Flea I've been there. I went from "you are the love of my life", to calling the police for harassment (without any real justification) within 4 weeks. It is a bitter pill to swallow. Its hard Flea, but dont let him control your life, don't let him win. They aint worth it. The best revenge u can have on your ex, is to live your life well...

[Kageytn]

I'm sorry, Flea. Men like our exes suck. Really suck.

 

I have horrible anxiety too. The only thing that really helps me is running. Maybe you could train for a half or full marathon. I've done two halves and it's an incredible feeling of empowerment to finish. It also gives your week structure.

 

I also use imagery when I start freaking out. I was thrown out of his room but I'm in a new room. I can choose to go back to his room-pain, abuse, lies but familiar or enjoy my room. My room is peaceful. It's out of his control. Picture yourself stepping away from the door that connects the rooms. Let go of the doorknob. Explore. It sounds ridiculous but it's helped me.

 

I'm on 96 hours of no contact. Part of me is relieved. Part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. And part of me is hurt -my ego is bruised.

 

When you can't sleeP, don't lie there. Read. Write. Get up. But don't lie there and think about him. It gives him power. Take your power back. Be busy. Be awesome.