Mack05 Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 (edited) Guys, Just thought I would write a thread about this (my last for awhile), hoping that I can help someone. In my past I was a gambling addict. Don't ask me how I got myself into that mess. I mean I have a good career, great family, great friends, but all of us have the potential to form addictions, so we should never sterotype addicts or addictions. People become addicts, because their emotional needs are not being fulfilled. They feel lonely and isolated like many of us on this site feel right now, so they turn to something which will help them change their mood. Whether or not you have an addictive personality or not, there can be at times stages in our lives where we actually become addicted to a person. When you lose an emotionally fullfilling relationship and/or you were constantly looking for emotional fullfillment, but you never got that from your partner. Sometimes that desire to be happy, can turn into an addiction. You want this person to love you, even change for you (even though sometimes deep down, you know they are not right for you) but instead they reject you. At times this rejection becomes unbearable, so we continually reach out to that person. Emails/Texts/Calls. We make all kinds of crazy promises to them, if only they will take us back. When we get to that stage, the relationship is already over but we refuse to except it. That is because we are in stage 1 of the 5 stages of grief. Denial. (5 stages of grief -> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model. Denial) It's like a drug addict looking for a hit. To take him/her out of this sad, lonely, isolated place and change his mood. Of course when the drug wears off he/she is in a worse place then they started. With my ex, I knew deep down she wasn't the right girl for me. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seemed to make any lasting difference with her. It's was like pouring the best of myself into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger. Yet even now, 7 weeks after NC I am still addicted to her, hoping she will contact me saying she has finally seen the light. The urge is there EVERYDAY to break no contact. One day I forgive her and I have peace and acceptance, the next day I am angry and think she is a coward for not meeting me face to face and dumping me over the phone. Having said that, I have made HUGE strides in my recovery from my addiction to her. Much of an addicts mental obsession results from denial or refusing to recognize the loss of control that is happening on an emotional level. Avoiding the reality of a situation. In addiction there is almost constant internal conflict between the Self (you acting normally, in control) and the Addict. In this struggle (especially immediately after a breakup) the addict invariably wins. This is what is meant by 'loss of control'. This whole process drains our energy. It causes us not to eat or sleep. To text/email/call continually. When our desperation pleas have not been answered, this can lead to feeling shame, a loss of self respect, self esteem, self confidence, self discipline, self determination, self control, self importance, self love. I know at the end of my relationship "I was slowly losing hold of my original and better self and becoming slowly incorporated with my second and worse self" Any addictive relationship begins when a person repeatedly seeks the illusion of relief to avoid unpleasant feelings or situations (i.e break ups). This is nurturing through avoidance - an unnatural way of taking care of one's emotional needs. We have an emotional craving and in our minds there is only one person that can satisfy that. Just like in the mind of an alcoholic that a drink can satisfy their needs. There are 2 forms of logic being used here 1) Normal logic and 2) Addictive logic. Normal logic is your friends and family begging you to leave your ex go. That it's for your own good and her good. They are of course right. But we are going through addictive logic, where we say to ourselves my ex HAS to hear this (they don't) or a food addict saying I will eat this pizza and start my diet tomorrow. Recovery Process: By accepting and taking responsibility for the presence of an addictive personality, addicted people can start recovery and begin to choose relationships that allow them to move outside themselves. I am reading alot of books. One of them describes the type of natural relationships which we need to focus on after we breakup with someone.. 1) Family and Friends 2) Spiritual 3) Relationship with your Self 4) Community This of course is different for all of us. Myself, I have made a bigger effort then I normally do with family and friends (being a better brother/son/friend/Uncle). I have started to go back to church and pray more. With regarding community I don't really have any. The biggest area I am currently working on is the relationship with myself. "Through a caring relationship with ourselves we learn self-nurturing, the ability to love ourselves and see ourselves as one resource we can turn to during times of difficulty. It's through a relationship with ourselves that we learn the most about change, either postive or negative. As we watch and interact with ourselves, we see our vast potential for change. It's through a caring relationship with ourselves that we learn to be caring and patient with others. The relationship we have with ourselves is carried in some form to all other relationships". I write short term (losing weight, working out regulary) and long term goals on paper and tick them off as I complete them. Some of my goals require alot of courage, but it's reaching inwards within ourselves and finding that courage, that makes us who we are. For example I am 36 and emirgrating to Vancoeuver Canada (from Ireland) at the end of the year on my own. Just because I am 36, does that mean I am too old to do this type of stuff!? Hell no. Life is what we make of it. For those in a constant battle with their addictive selves, I highly recommend this book -> How to break your addiction to a person -> http://www.amazon.com/How-Break-Your.../dp/0553382497 I wish you all well. Its tough (DAMN TOUGH) but don't ever quit! We will come out of this far better people.. Edited June 7, 2011 by Mack05 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mack05 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 "Fooling people is a serious business, but when you fool yourself it becomes fatal"... Link to post Share on other sites
sun_moon Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 haha this quote totally is my ex. I believe he is in denial about many things in his life. Thanks for the post. Good luck on your Journey, literally and emotionally. lol Link to post Share on other sites
Nohbody Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Daddy needs his fix. Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 I can recognize a lot of this in myself. Although I am starting to heal and focus on my relationships with family, friends, and myself, I still need that fix of talking to her, to pretend that this breakup isn't really happening, to convince myself that it will be okay. I can't even say for sure I want her back because I'm so in love with her, I just want her back because it will feel like 800lbs lifted off my shoulders as soon as I know this situation is over with and someone loves me again. And unfortunately she plays into this by still talking to me, still telling me she is thinking and "isn't sure". I think I'll read that book! Link to post Share on other sites
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