silvermoon7 Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 My current boyfriend is a nice guy, but he is also unambitious. I am enrolled in graduate school, and I am working very hard to create a successful future for myself. My boyfriend only has his GED at 22-years-old, and he has spent the past four years working at McDonalds. He has no intention of ever going to college. He is obsessed with martial arts, and endeavors to open his own martial arts school someday instead (he doesn't have the money, so I'm not sure how he intends to do this). He has been bringing up the subject of marriage recently, but when I imagine us together in five years, I can picture myself being the only breadwinner. He wants me to be by his side to help him open his martial arts school, but all I can imagine is myself working hard to provide money for him to practice karate all day. He seems...immature. Is it unreasonable for me to want to break up with him, based on the fact that he will probably never be able to provide any type of financial support? Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 I was in a similar situation last year. my ex is now in the British Army but he has no plans beyond that and he didn't have any before he joined either. he is very bright and I tried to talk him into going to uni but he has no ambitions beyond landscaping work and working for the post office - or similar manual jobs - after he comes out of the army. unfortunately that just enforced the view in my mind that we had no future together. I don't mind earning more than my partner (I am an Analyst) but I would like him to have long term potential, I don't want to work 15-hour days to be able to buy a house, ideally it should be a joint financial venture Link to post Share on other sites
tigressA Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 No, it's not unreasonable for you to break up with him. If you would prefer to be with someone with similar goals as yourself, there's no need to waste your time with this guy. There's also nothing wrong with how he's living his life; it's just proven to be incompatible with your goals. Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 (edited) You have the right to find someone else. Unlike most guys, I dont want a woman with lower education and much less money myself. Edited February 5, 2011 by musemaj11 Link to post Share on other sites
30Years Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 There's only one question: Do you love him? Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Have you told him any of this? have you even mentioned to him that you cant picture marrying him unless he has some kind of plan in mind? Give him a chance to change his mind. he might not, but at least give him a chance. Dont just blind side him. Link to post Share on other sites
Joe Normal Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 What do you want - a husband or a business partner? Link to post Share on other sites
30Years Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Silvermoon, It may be that you are realizing that you are not in love with him. That's OK. It takes time to know someone well enough to figure out if they would make a good life partner or not. Sometimes the answer is "no." If you feel that way, that's nothing to be ashamed of. To answer your specific question, if financial support is important to you, then no, it is not unreasonable to find his lack of ambition to be unacceptable. I don't need to tell you, but as a reminder let me say that we all have things that we can "put up with" and things we cannot. You know where your values are. Be true to those values and you will be happy. But don't feel guilty because you've spent time with someone only to realize it is not working out. If that is the case, breaking up is in BOTH of your best interests. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Is it unreasonable for me to want to break up with him, based on the fact that he will probably never be able to provide any type of financial support? No, I don't think it's unreasonable. I've always been the bread winner in my current relationship so it's not that I would ever expect a man to provide for me. But I expect a partner to contribute, somehow, to the common good and doing what he can towards that. If your partner doesn't think strategically and long term in terms of how the two of you can secure yourselves financially, that's a red flag for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Different people have different levels of ambition, and it's not unreasonable to want someone who shares your long-term goals. My ex-bf was also unambitious; he was settled in his little IT support job, and was happy as long as he earned enough to pay the rent and subscribe to online games. I had bigger plans: I wanted to have enough money to buy a nice house, have new cars and holidays abroad, have children, etc. I could foresee that if I wanted those things I'd have to pay for them myself with no contribution from him, so I'd basically be carrying him, and I wasn't happy with that. So I broke up with him and dated someone who was more ambitious and had a proper career. My ex is now much happier with his new gf, who is equally unambitious and doesn't nag him like I did, while I'm much happier with a man who is able to contribute equally to our future. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 He is obsessed with martial arts, and endeavors to open his own martial arts school someday instead (he doesn't have the money, so I'm not sure how he intends to do this)? Sometimes the greatest passions can bring the greatest rewards. It is possible that he will open his own martial arts school someday. Banks loan money for viable business ventures and, if he knows his stuff and has the intelligence to run a business, there's no reason why it's shouldn't be viable. Obviously, you know him and only you know if he's ever likely to make this happen, but that does sound like an ambition to me. I'm guessing you have other reasons for wanting to break up with him, because you've probably always known about his lack of earning potential or what you see as 'ambition'. If you love him, this wouldn't matter, but clearly it does. So he's not the man for you. Link to post Share on other sites
30Years Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Sometimes the greatest passions can bring the greatest rewards. It is possible that he will open his own martial arts school someday. Banks loan money for viable business ventures and, if he knows his stuff and has the intelligence to run a business, there's no reason why it's shouldn't be viable. Obviously, you know him and only you know if he's ever likely to make this happen, but that does sound like an ambition to me. I'm guessing you have other reasons for wanting to break up with him, because you've probably always known about his lack of earning potential or what you see as 'ambition'. If you love him, this wouldn't matter, but clearly it does. So he's not the man for you. I was thinking the same thing, but I couldn't have written it as well. Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Personally I can settle with someone with less money. But honestly I can't settle with a high school graduate. U can't have an intelligent conversation with someone who has much lower education. The communication aspect is gonna suffer. Link to post Share on other sites
humanracer25 Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 everyone should have ambition however remember the world is in a recession and sometimes it is hard to hit those high salaries now. I hear stories about people who kill themselves because their ideal life of fast cars,nice big house and a few kids has been ruined because of being laid off etc. It all depends what you want out of life. For me living the high life isn't important though I would like to be comfortable and afford things. Link to post Share on other sites
Nexus One Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Different people have different levels of ambition, and it's not unreasonable to want someone who shares your long-term goals. My ex-bf was also unambitious; he was settled in his little IT support job, and was happy as long as he earned enough to pay the rent and subscribe to online games. I had bigger plans: I wanted to have enough money to buy a nice house, have new cars and holidays abroad, have children, etc. I could foresee that if I wanted those things I'd have to pay for them myself with no contribution from him, so I'd basically be carrying him, and I wasn't happy with that. So I broke up with him and dated someone who was more ambitious and had a proper career. My ex is now much happier with his new gf, who is equally unambitious and doesn't nag him like I did, while I'm much happier with a man who is able to contribute equally to our future. Materialism, the new love. I'm glad you're both happy now though. Link to post Share on other sites
humanracer25 Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Materialism, the new love. I'm glad you're both happy now though. Not a bad thing to want money,material things and security however it is not what EVERY girl wants. I am just saying it is much harder now to attain those things with the financial crisis. But then this is coming from a very working class person. Link to post Share on other sites
quietGuy13 Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 I have no ambition either. What's wrong with that. All i want is to live and be happy. Why do i need to have great houses and real estate etc? I'm happy i have a simple job, and that's that. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 There's only one question: Do you love him? The Beatles weren't right. Don Henley was. Sometimes love just ain't enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Nexus One Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 (edited) Not a bad thing to want money,material things and security however it is not what EVERY girl wants. I am just saying it is much harder now to attain those things with the financial crisis. But then this is coming from a very working class person. Well I was pointing to the fact that she left him over her material desires and her feeling that he would be leeching off of her once she obtained the stuff she wanted. I'm not saying that wanting stuff is a bad thing, we all have stuff, want stuff and put it in our boxes that we call houses. But if you're going to make that the prime reason you leave someone, then you never were with that person for that person in the first place. Edited February 6, 2011 by Nexus One Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Is it unreasonable for me to want to break up with him, based on the fact that he will probably never be able to provide any type of financial support? IMO, no, it is not unreasonable. Intimate relationships should be positive forces in your life. If your overall understanding/perception of him is negative, relieve him of your presence. It will serve you both well. Best wishes for much success in post-graduate school. For the men of modest ambition, I've found one clear way to ensure long-term success is not to become distracted by women. Continue on your path and rewards will come. Whatever you do, if you do get married, get a pre-nup so your spouse can't take the fruits of your modest ambition. That's the life lesson I've learned. Now I'm back to my modest, high school educated, unemployed ambition. Feels good Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 IMO, no, it is not unreasonable. Intimate relationships should be positive forces in your life. If your overall understanding/perception of him is negative, relieve him of your presence. It will serve you both well. Best wishes for much success in post-graduate school. I'm curious why you chose the phrase "relieve him of your presence." Snarky McSnarkerton! How about: If your overall understanding/perception of him is negative and you have incompatible lifelong goals and lifestyles, you're inherently incompatible and would serve you both to end the relationship now. Link to post Share on other sites
Nexus One Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 How about: If your overall understanding/perception of him is negative and you have incompatible lifelong goals and lifestyles, you're inherently incompatible and would serve you both to end the relationship now. But incompatibility of lifelong goals and lifestyles can already be determined on a first date. To use that as an argument after having been in a relationship with someone for years is a red herring. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 But incompatibility of lifelong goals and lifestyles can already be determined on a first date. To use that as an argument after having been in a relationship with someone for years is a red herring. I disagree. I don't interrogate a guy about his life goals on a first date. Have they been in a relationship for years? I don't see that in the OP. But if so, given that he's only 22, do we expect people to have lifelong goals when they're not even legal and likely still teenagers (when they would have had their first date)? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 I'm curious why you chose the phrase "relieve him of your presence." Snarky McSnarkerton! How about: If your overall understanding/perception of him is negative and you have incompatible lifelong goals and lifestyles, you're inherently incompatible and would serve you both to end the relationship now. She made the choice, essentially to judge him without engaging him. I saw no evidence of cogent and topical communication. I merely applied the appropriate description. It accurately describes the dynamic, based on the OP, IMO. Change the genders and I'd apply the same description, and did for myself on another thread. I relieved the woman of my presence so we could both move on to more appropriate partners. OP, tell me, have you clearly and cogently discussed this fundamental difference in perspective with your BF, telling him how you *feel* and your perception of his lack of ambition? If so, how did that go? Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 ANother OP that didnt get answers that agree with her POV and has abandoned her own thread. None of the threads I start ever go to two pages. Im so jealous. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts