Passive when it comes to women

[MrNate]

Alright fellow LS'ers. After a few months of posting, in some of these crazy threads, I'm ready to present you with my dilemma. This situation might be a bit different from the norm, but it deals with a general passive attitude when it comes with women.

 

I'm not weird or socially awkward or anything of that nature, but for some reason I've always had a passive attitude when it comes to women and relationships. It's like part of me wants to pursue it, but when I think about the negatives, I usually revert back to my original state. I can't really say how often this happens to other guys, but maybe it had something to do with being harassed a lot in my younger days (being called fat, etc.).

 

Couple that with the fact that I had other male cousins who were pretty boys who had pretty much no problem when it came to women/friends. After trying to analyze my strengths and coming up a bit short compared to them, I guess I kind of gave up at that point but I somehow tricked myself into thinking everything was OK.

 

So I guess after dealing with that for many years, I've pretty much convinced myself that I'm not that attractive, so I shouldn't waste my time with women. Now that I'm older and realize a lot of these things don't make sense to carry on, I'm wondering what I should do to kind of kick myself out of past mentalities because I still think they're alive and well in a way. Or maybe I'm just not ready to date? I'm not sure what to think at the moment.

 

Advice?

[GorillaTheater]

Could it be fear? Fear of women? Even more likely fear of changing the status quo? Maybe it's not fear so much as a lack of motivation. Both are relatively common, I suspect, and both can be changed. It takes a conscious, deliberate change in your mindframe. "There is nothing to fear. Whatever happens, I can handle it." or "I have goals. What do I need to do to achieve my goals".

 

Takes a little self-training and self-discipline (and frequent reinforcement), but it's easier than you might think. Been there, done that.

[PJKino]

Im the same way i kind of have a fear or mental block to approach women ..Im terrified of rejetion dont have self confidence in my looks and not great with approaching strangers in general..

 

Im fine talking to women i know especially friends girlfriends/ wives but if a girls single i sort of freeze up and get scared becasue i fele like i only have a few seconds to make a good impression and im not comfortable being overly evaluated and critiqued whitin seconds..

 

So i basically never approach women

[zengirl]

Separate your desires from your fears and follow the one that can be potentially productive (desire) rather than the one that can only deconstruct or destruct (fear).

[TouchedByViolet]

Fake it till you make it.

 

Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself do I deserve an awesome gf? The answer should be yes, and place this though in the back of your mind. Then whenever you feel confused, unsure, scared, just think I deserve to get lucky and have an awesome gf. Use this thought to fake any positive feeling you may not actually have. Once you get a few successful hits it will pad your self esteem and courage.

[PJKino]

I dont know if you feel this way Nate but i also fele like if i get rejected that women has one up on me..And if im in a lounge or bar like setting i fear if i get rejected that women is still in there laughihn with her friends about some loser she just rejected..

[threebyfate]

Phateless gave some good advice in one of the threads. Wish I could remember the thread itself.

 

Anyways, the concept is that the more people you talk to, the easier it gets. This means talking to women in general, where-ever you go. Don't target the ones you're interested, start off talking to women who you're not attracted to and get the pattern of social cues. Then progress to ones you find cute but aren't tongue tied with, even asking a few out. Once you've gotten relatively comfortable with the pattern of social cues for this, step it up a notch and find women you're very attracted to.

 

As far as negative thinking patterns go, only you can break those patterns by risking rejection and some potential heartbreak. While heartbreak hurts, you will survive.

[TouchedByViolet]

I dont know if you feel this way Nate but i also fele like if i get rejected that women has one up on me..And if im in a lounge or bar like setting i fear if i get rejected that women is still in there laughihn with her friends about some loser she just rejected..

 

This is a totally understandable fear, but 2 things are wrong with this picture.

 

1- Finding quality girls at bar is a poor investment of time. It rarely ever happens.

 

2 - You should be drinking at a bar. Nothing like a good buzz to keep you feeling good about yourself regardless of rejection.

[USMCHokie]

That is pretty much how the first 25 years of my life went. I didn't bother with dating or relationships simply because I always failed at it. I was a scrawny little chinaman and I held onto the notion that my race held me back from dating in a predominantly white area. All my good friends in high school were dating each other, so whenever we went out, I was always the odd wheel, and eventually I got very comfortable with it. At first, I was jealous, but then I came to accept it as my destiny.

 

This all changed after my ex...she made me see that women are interested in me and it changed my whole perspective on things...I was still passive about dating, and whenever I went out with friends to meet women and struck out, I'd come home dejected and want to revert back to my passive state...but I knew that I was attractive enough and interesting enough...and gaining 30 some pounds helped...

 

Eventually I started meeting women while out and about and even online...each success and failure taught me about myself and about the dating game...but each new experience boosted my confidence in myself just that little bit more...

 

So my advice to you is to throw yourself headfirst in the game...it just takes that one time to realize that you do have what it takes to succeed in the dating world...success breeds confidence, and I know that you have the confidence in you...it just needs a catalyst to break free... Those negative thoughts you have are just your mind's excuse to not break out of the comfort zone you've established for yourself...

[carhill]

OP, did you know they named a hamburger after me? (RE: you being called 'fat' as a child).

 

Really, IMO, all it takes is rote repetition and caring less. Everything on the path to failures I experienced over the years with women essentially boiled down to that; not enough asking out and pressing flesh, along with caring too much about people who shouldn't have mattered because they had not yet earned the privilege of mattering.

 

So, in the next week, talk to ten women and don't even think about dating a one of them. Experience them just as human beings. If you say you do that already, good; do it again

 

Then, talk with them and *feel* the attraction. Don't verbalize it. Feel it. Experience it. Still, no dating. Get used to talking with women and *feeling* it and not letting it affect you. Then, start looking for social cues of their interest (widely discussed or you know already) and integrate that into the dynamic, still without expectations of asking her out or dating her. Care less about that and more about how you interact and feel. Make it about *you*.

 

This is not a methodology to 'get' women, but rather a potential method of feeling differently about *yourself* when you are with a woman. The dating tips widely discussed here for 'getting' women will work just fine once you're in the right frame of mind.

 

Or, you can get married and divorced like I did. Sure cure.

[AverageJoe]

What Carhill said.

 

I read somewhere that Thomas Edison tried 10,000 times before he successfully invented the U.S. light bulb. When he was asked about his previous failures he simply replied, I didnt fail, I just discovered 9,999 ways not to invent the light bulb.

This can be applied in all aspects of life.

[Green]

I had a depresion of sorts that kept me very isolated when it came to women all the way through HS and college. Finaly the summer I graduated college I asked a really hot girl out. Its actualy detailed in a thread on here I wrote back in 2006. Basicaly I ended up having my first kiss and everything else and it was great.

 

When she dumped me I was devestated... thought it would be back to a lonely life. I was wrong, my new found confidence made me stop FEARING rejection because I saw how much I had to gain from being AGRESIVE with women.

 

I think you need to date a woman who you find 100% attractive a woman who ass cheeks you would gladly lick all the way into her anus. (U know what i'm talking about)

 

Go for it man. UPDATE us. Walk up to a girl and hit on her with all you got.

[dispatch3d]

First,

 

Stop worrying about the big picture. It's like trying to tackle the problem of a house being too messy by going **** ALRIGHT GUYS LETS JUST CLEAN UP! Not going to work. You need to focus on one thing at a time - like lets keep these two tables clean from now on - and work from there. So, are you getting numbers regularly? If no, start with that. Are you keeping a conversation going with woman? If not, start there. Go through each step and try to improve it, and work on the big picture a little at a time while you do it. Numbers but no dates, well figure that out. Dates but no 2nd dates? Another problem... 2nd dates but always turns into just friends? So on and so forth.

 

You should also be attempting to make friends with woman at the same time. It's like there are guys who cannot make friends with woman at all (wear garlic around their necks). They just need to befriend a woman with the sole purpose of being her friend. There's a mind-frame change that will help you a ton. She should be at least mildly attractive. Also girls work and think differently than guys, you have to become accustomed to that.

 

The other thing about being passive is it is hugely ****ing annoying for both parties. An idea of a girl being "too forward" or putting herself out there "too much" is sending a guy a text at 2 am.... even about random things... or asking a guy ifhe's single. Christ that's pretty ****ing passive haha! So if you are going to be passive towards them expect a lot of annoyance. Like dates are going to take fooorreevvveer to setup cause they sure as hell aren't going to ask for one, and if you aren't going to ask for one and you're both just tiptoeing around each other, all that's going to happen is you'll text each other for 3 months straight all the time. Hence a text-relationship is born. **** those. I want more! Anyhow, these are my suggestions.

 

There are books out there you can read. "The Book of Pook", david deangelo stuff (for inner-game mostly, he won't tell you how to get with a particular girl). Mindlines is another good one. Reading up on NLP will give you the ability to change the way you think about things. I would not use it for pickup though.

 

There's also the more player/pickup type stuff by Mystery/Juggler/Vin Decarlo (he's expensive but seems awesome, lot of marketing). Magic Bullets is another one, swingcat, etc. Just throwing names out.

 

If you read the stuff in paragraph one (the books), you can do the things and not be one of those weird PUA types. Its just general tips that mostly deal with how you should be viewing things on the inside. If you read Juggler stuff you are very unlikely to be awkward either.

 

The other stuff is radical enough that you will not be congruent at all for at least a couple months, for possibly as long as 1-2 years. It'll be a matter of how much you practice doing the stuff until you become congruent with the person you are trying to become. It's like if you rated your ability with woman on a scale of 0-10. Say you are at 3 now. Well if you start doing things someone at the 9 or 10 level will it's going to come off strange until you do them enough to actually be similar to that person at the 9/10 level. The game describes it as like being on two islands. One AFC land and the other PUA land. Once you start swimming from AFC land you can't go back, and are (likely) worse off than when you were in AFC land to begin with. Eventually you swim to the other side, but until then sharks eat you...

 

again me and my long posts....

[Cracker Jack]

Honestly, I just don't think you should take it too seriously. And comparing yourself to others, tho natural, is never good for anyone. Based on your posts, you're a pretty funny guy. I'm sure you'll have no issue winning a woman over once you open up to one of them.

[USMCHokie]

Honestly, I just don't think you should take it too seriously. And comparing yourself to others, tho natural, is never good for anyone. Based on your posts, you're a pretty funny guy. I'm sure you'll have no issue winning a woman over once you open up to one of them.

 

This is the key...

[MrNate]

I dont know if you feel this way Nate but i also fele like if i get rejected that women has one up on me..And if im in a lounge or bar like setting i fear if i get rejected that women is still in there laughihn with her friends about some loser she just rejected..

 

Hey bud. I don't think I really feel that way, just because all women have different preferences. So while I guess it would in a way make sense to feel upset she rejected you, I guess it just also makes sense to understand that she has her own types as well.

 

As far as the woman laughing with her friends, I'm pretty sure her friends are questioning why they aren't being approached. Besides they don't define your life anyway, only you do. You know?

 

So I say, no big deal man, because you're definitely someone's type out there. I have just seen way too many types of couples out there to think differently.

[MrNate]

That is pretty much how the first 25 years of my life went. I didn't bother with dating or relationships simply because I always failed at it. I was a scrawny little chinaman and I held onto the notion that my race held me back from dating in a predominantly white area. All my good friends in high school were dating each other, so whenever we went out, I was always the odd wheel, and eventually I got very comfortable with it. At first, I was jealous, but then I came to accept it as my destiny.

 

This all changed after my ex...she made me see that women are interested in me and it changed my whole perspective on things...I was still passive about dating, and whenever I went out with friends to meet women and struck out, I'd come home dejected and want to revert back to my passive state...but I knew that I was attractive enough and interesting enough...and gaining 30 some pounds helped...

 

Eventually I started meeting women while out and about and even online...each success and failure taught me about myself and about the dating game...but each new experience boosted my confidence in myself just that little bit more...

 

So my advice to you is to throw yourself headfirst in the game...it just takes that one time to realize that you do have what it takes to succeed in the dating world...success breeds confidence, and I know that you have the confidence in you...it just needs a catalyst to break free... Those negative thoughts you have are just your mind's excuse to not break out of the comfort zone you've established for yourself...

 

This is absolutely what my gut is telling me. I feel like that I'm a pretty normal guy with no quirks. If you saw me, you wouldn't tell that area was lacking haha. But I really do agree with this, I feel like everything I'm concerned about will come together once I actually try.

 

I knew I struck a chord with you for some odd reason, no homo.

[MrNate]

OP, did you know they named a hamburger after me? (RE: you being called 'fat' as a child).

 

Really, IMO, all it takes is rote repetition and caring less. Everything on the path to failures I experienced over the years with women essentially boiled down to that; not enough asking out and pressing flesh, along with caring too much about people who shouldn't have mattered because they had not yet earned the privilege of mattering.

 

So, in the next week, talk to ten women and don't even think about dating a one of them. Experience them just as human beings. If you say you do that already, good; do it again

 

Then, talk with them and *feel* the attraction. Don't verbalize it. Feel it. Experience it. Still, no dating. Get used to talking with women and *feeling* it and not letting it affect you. Then, start looking for social cues of their interest (widely discussed or you know already) and integrate that into the dynamic, still without expectations of asking her out or dating her. Care less about that and more about how you interact and feel. Make it about *you*.

 

This is not a methodology to 'get' women, but rather a potential method of feeling differently about *yourself* when you are with a woman. The dating tips widely discussed here for 'getting' women will work just fine once you're in the right frame of mind.

 

Or, you can get married and divorced like I did. Sure cure.

 

Did you know my uncle nicknamed me 'hamburger head'? My head was always bigger than my body for the longest, but now things have finally filled out.

 

As far as your advice goes, it seems like you are basically saying to take a more active approach. And I say that I wholeheartedly agree, because things just won't change any other way. I also agree with caring less, because I expect things to be a bit rough, but I'm not one to stay down in the dumps long, so I think everything will work out in the end.

[skydiveaddict]

Or maybe I'm just not ready to date? I'm not sure what to think at the moment.

 

Advice?

 

 

You're ready my friend go for it You only have this one life. go live it

[MrNate]

To everyone else:

 

Thanks for the insight. It's definitely given me a lot to consider. I think while I have matured into quite a fine adult physically and mentally, I just think this is one area that is just lagging a bit behind due to old mentalities.

 

I think fear may be playing a bit of a part. I think it's not really a fear of women (as I have some great women friends) but just a fear of messing things up while taking it into the field of romance. But that's no problem, because I believe it's totally conquerable if I just give it a go.

 

I feel at this point, it basically boils down to me simply not trying. While this may in part be due to past mentalities, I know the only way they'll disappear is if I go and just start doing. The overall consensus I have gathered is to basically go for it, and get out there, to which I agree.

 

Anyone got anything else to share?

[InceptorsRule]

Did you know my uncle nicknamed me 'hamburger head'? My head was always bigger than my body for the longest, but now things have finally filled out.

 

OK now you've grown up. Go back and give Uncle Buck a good hard kick in the nuts. Then say: "Hamburger Nuts. Get it?"

 

 

As far as your advice goes, it seems like you are basically saying to take a more active approach. And I say that I wholeheartedly agree, because things just won't change any other way. I also agree with caring less, because I expect things to be a bit rough, but I'm not one to stay down in the dumps long, so I think everything will work out in the end.

 

 

My advice: You gotta make 'em fall in love with you.

[MrNate]

Honestly, I just don't think you should take it too seriously. And comparing yourself to others, tho natural, is never good for anyone. Based on your posts, you're a pretty funny guy. I'm sure you'll have no issue winning a woman over once you open up to one of them.

 

Thanks man haha. As far as the last statement, I think this what it boils down to, and as such, I've given up on comparing myself to others as it's impossible to do so, and is counter productive.

[MrNate]

OK now you've grown up. Go back and give Uncle Buck a good hard kick in the nuts. Then say: "Hamburger Nuts. Get it?"

 

haha no way man. He's a marine. While he has gotten up in age, he is still well versed in combat. Even then, he's taught me some pretty cool life lessons, and the name was given to me purely in jest. (Because cheeseburgers are my absolute favorite food.)

 

My advice: You gotta make 'em fall in love with you.

 

There's no other way my friend. I don't see it being too hard.

[dispatch3d]

Hey bud. I don't think I really feel that way, just because all women have different preferences. So while I guess it would in a way make sense to feel upset she rejected you, I guess it just also makes sense to understand that she has her own types as well.

 

As far as the woman laughing with her friends, I'm pretty sure her friends are questioning why they aren't being approached. Besides they don't define your life anyway, only you do. You know?

 

So I say, no big deal man, because you're definitely someone's type out there. I have just seen way too many types of couples out there to think differently.

 

Woman laughing about the guys that hit on them just doesn't happen. Like at all. I'm friends with a girl who when she goes out gets hit on by usually 7-10 guys minimum. I have barely heard about her talking about ANY guy she's rejected. In actually fact, I have definitely definitely talked more about some guy/guys she's had to reject than they have. Specifically there was one time where it was a bunch of girls+me+mayyyybbee one or two other guys dancing with the girls and literally 10-12 guys formed a circle around us staring. I have never been so uncomfortable.

 

And she still has never mentioned anything about those guys. I was very good friends with her, and still am pretty good friends with her. So just trust me when I tell you this - it doesn't happen. They forget you even existed within 2 days.

[Green]

Stop with the excuses and got TRY!!! come back with an update of how you TRIED tomorrow. You will no doubt see an attractive girl if you just go out there into the world. Come back and tell us the tale of how you hit on her 1)flirt 2) ask out 3) kiss on date...

 

Just make sure you do it NOW not LATER.