My wife has left me

[john30]

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. During that time we have been very happy together and best friends.She always been very loving too me and I always felt like I could trust her with my life.

 

About 3 months ago she became a bit down, then soon after she started picking arguments with me which I put down to the fact that she'd recently give up smoking. Soon after I discovered that she'd been texting another man and he had sent her messages saying he loved her. She said it meant nothing and cried, asking me not to leave her but said something was missing in our relationship. I decided that she was just a bit depressed and offered her support but found out that she was still in contact with him. Things went from bad to worse and she has been acting suspicious and telling me a lot of lies. She finally decided to move out and told me that she didn't know what she wanted but there was no other man and she wasn't in touch with anyone anymore. I pleaded with her before she went for us to sort things out but she just wont talk to me about it and she left 3 weeks ago. I feel so upset and lost without her and I dont know what to do, it's like she's lost all her emotions. She said she needs space so I have not pestered her and left her to sort things out in her head but I feel so bad. She still texts me most days talkin about everyday things, I'm so confused but she wont talk to me about it.

Edited March 4, 2008 by john30

[Melovator]

Dear John, sorry to say it but IMO she's still seeing this other guy. Her behaviour is unfortunately typical of cheaters (they all like to think they're so unique and everything but the patterns are the same the world over). Start reading other threads on LS and you will see what I mean. There are better people around here with the advice stuff than me. But I can guess what a few people would say: google "Plan A and Plan B marriage builders" I think you should strongly consider plan B... by talking to you about 'everyday things' she is clearly still trying to get some of her emotional needs met from you. She left - IMO the person's who emotional needs you need to be worrying about are your own. You should make yourself your own first priority.

 

I also strongly recommend some individual counselling for yourself and if you can, get a hold of a book called "The journey from abandonment to healing" by Susan Anderson. Hope this is even vaguely of use. Take care.

[br0ken_w0lf]

Hi John30, I'm very sorry to hear your news. Unfortunately, I'd have to agree with Melovator and the reason being that I went through a very similar thing as you about 7 months ago. My wife asked for space, I gave it; she came back and said she wanted to separate but there was no one else, there were things missing from our relationship; later, it became that she found those missing things with an old friend and those feelings had been present for earlier than I'd known about. My wife also said she didn't know what she wanted and had been confused about that for several months.

 

If there was mention of another person in the picture, then that person was likely in the picture quite a bit earlier than you found out about unfortunately... (again, check out other LS posts) Also, to echo Melovator's comments re: the text messages, she is still getting some emotional needs met from you by doing this (again, same with me), try not to read too much into it and let it cloud your thinking.

 

Three pieces of advice I would give you:

1) please don't beg or plead any further than you already have; it doesn't work (you can't make someone stay, trust me on that), causes the other person to lose more respect for you, and you'll probably regret it down the road

2) try to take care of yourself; I was pretty hard on my body for several months after everything happened and I regret it now and I can't undo it

3) easier said than done, but try to not think about things too much; keep as busy as possible for the time being; the less downtime (and hence, thinking time) you have, the better it will be for you

 

Take care and come back here often. There is some fantastic advice on here, I know others will join in, and it really does help to read others' posts.

[carhill]

OP, any kids?

 

Things don't go from happy best friends to affair overnight. She was sending out signs but they just weren't reaching you.

 

I'd recommend IC for you and limit contact with her to requesting she participate in MC if she wishes to work on your marriage. Leave the request open-ended.

 

If you have substantial assets, I'd get some legal advice as how to proceed, since she did move out. People do strange things when driven by emotion. Even fiscally responsible people go off the deep end. Just be mindful.

[john30]

Thanks for your replies. Carhill, I note what you say about things not going from happy to affair overnight, but we were perfectly fine up until I noticed her being down which was about 3 or 4 weeks before I found out about the texting. After I found out, I did everything I could to help her, I have been more than understanding with her because I love her and dont want our marriage to fail. When she said she was leaving I sat down with her and tried to talk about it, but I just get nothing from her other than I did too little too late and there's something missing. Also she says I used to spend too much time playing my guitar but they all seem really lame excuses too me, Im pretty sure theres more to it. I mentioned over us paying half each to our outstanding debts and she went off her head at me saying how do I expect her to pay when shes had to move out and pay for another house. I said I'd pay it all just to calm her down, so I have payed everything since she left, she asked me for money because she was broke and I gave it her. I also let her have all the money out of our bank account so she could rent a house. The point i'm trying to make is, I am being more than fair with her but she doesnt even seem to have any respect for me whatsoever. The whole thing has come as such a shock because all I ever done was look after her. I cant even find words to express how I feel about it. I tried to talk to her last week when I met her to give her money, just calmly without being pushy, and she got really annoyed with me and blamed me for the break up with a lot of silly excuses. I cant win with her and now I feel quilty as if I went wrong somewhere and made her unhappy. Broken Wolf, I'll try and stick to your advice, it sounds good, but it will be hard.

[Nomad1]

For as long as you keep giving her things and talking to her about the relationship she will not respect you. You must stop giving her things immediately. Accept that it is over between the two of you.

 

As hard as it must be, stop talking to her. Period. This will be hard at first but will help you get over things. For as long as she has the other guy, she will continue to be hostile towards you. Don't be her punchbag! Avoid her like the plague. Only interact with her through solicitors. She is gone. Keep your dignity by not pursuing her.

 

We've all been there and probably went around in circles making the same mistakes. Be tough. Turn your anger into determination to lose her.

 

Take care

 

Nomad1

[base618]

In hindsight... should have thrown her out the minute I found the texts between her and the OM. Instead, I tried to make it work, which led to 6 weeks of hell, lying, and more cheating. If she's texting another man and they're discussing "love"... it is over. Cut her off. Her choices, lots of wives get depressed, NO EXCUSE to see another man.

[PWSX3]

The reason she is blaming you is because it is a lot easier then trying to blame herself, how often do people blame themselves when it is easy to blame the other person? Oh I can do what I'm doing because it is her/his fault not mine.

 

Your W has been hit with the Hollywood syndrome. Someone paid attention to her & now she is in that oh this is the person with the white fence, etc.etc. bullsh*t.

 

She is seeing the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but that won't last. The reason the grass is greener is because of all the bull that it is fed. Sooner or later she will see it is just as brown as the grass on the first side.

 

Believe me (been there done that) your W will not listen to anything you say, you CAN NOT reason with her because she can't see it. I feel when they have gone as far as moving out that for one they feel they need to push forward just to see if what they think is true. Second they have check out long before they have told you & if you do some readying you will learn more about that. Third in your situation you are giving her everything she wants so it is easy for her to move. She doesn't have any responsibility & that makes it even easier.

 

Like you said your marriage could have been perfect in your eyes but the excitement is probably worn off & now this new guy has perked your W's attention.

 

Don't beat yourself down because there is nothing you have done wrong. Your W has decided to take the easy road & instead of working on your relationship she is trying to find it somewhere else.

 

I would stop being that nice guy, you REALLY need to see an lawyer SOON & figure out what you need to do about the money situation. You should not be paying for her, you should not be making her life easy!!!!!

 

If she wants out then she gets to take her half of the bills & stress as well.

She is trying to have her cake & eat it to.

 

Believe it or not this is a good time to look at yourself & see what "YOU" can do to make yourself a better person. There are a lot of good books out there & like Mel said; look up marriage builders & do some reading.

 

You said she moved out then do some painting, make the place look like you would like it.

 

I have to say my separation really woke me up. I learned a lot about myself & what I could improve on.

 

I hate to say it but once they move out the percent of getting back together is very small but it does happen.

 

Remember whatever happens this is the end of what your marriage used to be. You are starting a new chapter in your life & even if you & your W get back together it will not be the same.

 

Giver her time & the space she asked for. The less you communicate with her the better & just like you will hear many times it does get easier as time goes & things will get much crazier more then likely.

 

Good luck & keep posting your frustration here, it does help.

[jmargel]

Giving her money.. Allowing this to continue.. Is tolerating her behavior. She is mistreating and disrespecting you without facing any consequences. She doesn't need to face the hardships of this all because you are protecting her from it. When you do this you are not 'helping' her. You are allowing her to disvalue the marriage between you two.

 

What you need is confidence, not only show this confidence but live it. Show her what she is missing, let her know that you are moving on and that she is truly on her own. Let her know she has this one chance to goto counseling with you and to rebuild what has gone missing to have a great life together, or she has the option to fly away and that you will open that cage door as wide as you can. If she decides to fly, let her know that she is never welcomed back.

 

You need to do this tough love because this is what will cause her to think, and this thinking will come to a resolution for you so you can either move on with or without her. Continuing what you are doing will just lead her further away. You need to go against your instincts to protect her to let her face the consequences of all of this.

 

Apparently the communication between you two has broken down which is a common thing between married couples, however that doesn't mean the marraige is over. She has to want to make things work out and unless she does, nothing else will work. Be distant towards her, but let her know that you will be there only if certain conditions are met.

 

How is her past? Childhood, etc? That usually plays alot into this sort of situation.

[john30]

Thanks for all your replies, I am getting some great advice off you guys and it’s really helping me. I know my story is the same as a thousand others but it helps to post on here and see what other people think of it all.

 

I have since spoke to my wife and I finally managed to get her to talk to me calmly. She said she wasn’t coming back and that her feelings have changed. I asked calmly was there anyone else and she said no. She told me that her and my stepson were moving to spain in 12 months time when he leaves school (Me and him are very close, I have brought him up since he was 5 years old and he is nearly 15 now). She also told me that she is a lot happier and doesn’t drink that much anymore(She has drunk very heavily in recent months). It’s like she’s trying to prove she’s better off without me, or trying to rub salt in my wounds. At the end of the conversation, I mentioned that a friend of ours had stopped me and said he knows that we have split up. I asked how he knew and she started to get annoyed again and said that I better not have been bad mouthing her to people. I remained calm and left.

 

I still wasn’t happy with what she told me so I decided I needed to try and get some answers of my own before I go mad. She has had an account on Facebook for a while but she has kept the password from me. I know this was wrong but I hacked into her facebook account and found a very explicit conversation between her and another man which even mentioned that they have already slept together. I rang her and asked her who he was, she was very shocked that I even knew his name and she didn’t know what to say. In the end she asked how I’d got into her account and I didn’t answer, I just totally lost my temper and gave her a right mouthfull. She started shouting back so I hung up, couldn't listen to anymore BS.

 

About 2 hours later she rang me and I didn’t answer it. Then she sent me a text message saying it’s over. I replied with “Too f**kin right”. She rang me 2 more times after that and I still didn’t answer it. She then sent me a message saying “grow up”.

 

I have to say that you guys are right, she is seeing someone else and wants to treat me like a piece of S**t on top of that.

 

Maybe what Ive done is wrong but I don’t care anymore, I needed to know what all this was about and now Ive found out. It’s not nice and it hurts like hell but at least I know and now I’m going to have to get a lot tougher with her.

 

I now accept the fact that it’s over between us. The last 3 or 4 months have been hell for me, like being on an emotional rollercoaster. All I can do now is grit my teeth and keep going, thanks again everyone for your help.

 

John.

[Confused9]

oh man. I know how you are feeling. Mine cheated on me and was mean to me. It's like...projecting guilt and anger much? GOSH! I don't understand people. How in the world can they be mean to us after what they have been doing? I mean...no relationship is perfect, we know that...but no one deserves to be cheated on and no one deserved to be treated like cr@p by their cheating partner.

 

UGH! People frustrate me!!!

[john30]

oh man. I know how you are feeling. Mine cheated on me and was mean to me. It's like...projecting guilt and anger much? GOSH! I don't understand people. How in the world can they be mean to us after what they have been doing? I mean...no relationship is perfect, we know that...but no one deserves to be cheated on and no one deserved to be treated like cr@p by their cheating partner.

 

UGH! People frustrate me!!!

 

Yeah, I couldn't agree with you more. My wife has lied to me, cheated on me, and she still has the nerve to blame it all on me, let me pay all our bills and debts, look at me like I'm something she stepped in, have a go at me because I was depressed when my stepson visited last week saying I was feeling sorry for myself. I mean, how hardfaced can a person actually get, I thought I knew her, but Ive seen a side of her I never knew existed. After 10yrs of marriage in which I always treated her right she cant even show me an ounce of god damm respect. Dont know enough words to express my feelings properly.

 

John.

[Confused9]

Yeah, mine left me with 7 years of debt to pay all by myself...nice huh?

 

I am so sorry for your pain. I hope it's better for us one day.

[jmargel]

John,

 

Cheaters will often do what she is doing. She is trying to justify her behavior and she has it in her mind that what she is doing is not wrong by laying blanket statements on you. Laying very broad accusations or reasons why she is doing this. She has not come to terms on what she really has done.

 

Continue to talk to her calmly, and really try to follow my previous post. What you need to make her do is think, and good job on getting into her facebook account, she needs to be caught with this, otherwise she will continue to do what she's doing.

 

In the meantime set short term goals for yourself, and accomplish them. Be everything you can to be to your son and don't let the threat of her leaving affect your own self-worth. She has emotional problems that are causing all of this, something that she needs to recognize and fix on her own. This marriage is like a Parent-Child relationship, you need to make her act like an adult. The way to do this is for her to take responsibiliy for everything, starting with fiances. Stop paying for her bills, if she wants to live without you then make her face the hard parts of not being married to you, force her to think about the true value of being with you. Use tough love, live with confidence.

[john30]

Jmargel, thanks for your advice. I know you are right in what your saying, and I need to get a lot tougher with her.

 

She has since text me asking what I am going to do about the money. I replied saying I will post it through her door tomorrow. I am now only going to give her my half of the debts. I know this is going to make her very angry but she doesn't have any right to be angry really does she? it's only fair that we pay half each.

 

That is the only contact I have had with her since I found out about the OM and I dont intend to be Mr nice guy anymore.

 

Thanks everyone, This is helping me out a lot.

 

John.

[Confused9]

Stay strong John.

[john30]

Stay strong John.

 

Thanks Confused, I will be doing my best.

 

My son was supposed to come and stay this weekend, but he hasn't come and there has been no mention of it. I haven't called her about it because I dont want to speak to her. I wonder if this is my new punnishment?

 

I really feel for him in all this, it's such a shame.

[1975ville]

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. During that time we have been very happy together and best friends.She always been very loving too me and I always felt like I could trust her with my life.

 

About 3 months ago she became a bit down, then soon after she started picking arguments with me which I put down to the fact that she'd recently give up smoking. Soon after I discovered that she'd been texting another man and he had sent her messages saying he loved her. She said it meant nothing and cried, asking me not to leave her but said something was missing in our relationship. I decided that she was just a bit depressed and offered her support but found out that she was still in contact with him. Things went from bad to worse and she has been acting suspicious and telling me a lot of lies. She finally decided to move out and told me that she didn't know what she wanted but there was no other man and she wasn't in touch with anyone anymore. I pleaded with her before she went for us to sort things out but she just wont talk to me about it and she left 3 weeks ago. I feel so upset and lost without her and I dont know what to do, it's like she's lost all her emotions. She said she needs space so I have not pestered her and left her to sort things out in her head but I feel so bad. She still texts me most days talkin about everyday things, I'm so confused but she wont talk to me about it.

 

She is done with you.

 

You need to accept this and move on.

 

Pleading her and begging her is not effective. You can't reason or bargain with emotions.

 

The truth is that she left you a long time ago, you didn't notice.

 

Life is hard and accept it.

 

Let her go. Be strong.

[john30]

Had to ring my wife today about some important money problems. I kept to the point and never mentioned anything about the breakup or this OM.

 

As I was finishing the conversation, she asked could we be friends now and she didn't want to be fell out with me. I said that I had been civil with her from the beginning and it was her that kept leaping down my throat at every oppertunity.

 

Tonight she sent me a text message saying, glad we can be friends and we should remember the happy times we had. I havent answered the text.

 

I accept the fact that she's not coming back, and that it's over, and I wont be trying to reconcile with her anymore, but do you think we should be friends? After 10yrs of marriage and everything thats happened do I stay friends with her. If we stayed friends would we at least have salvaged something out of this mess? Or do I blank her altogether?

 

Very confusing.

[br0ken_w0lf]

Hi John30. Man, you've made some amazing progress since your situation started! Good on ya! Re: being friends, I would say to do whatever is best for you and what you want to do, but you may find (as I am) that it is more difficult than you think. I think a lot of people in a break-up situation have the intention of remaining friends but, in practice, I think it often just becomes awkward. Depends on the situation as well, I think it may be easier in those mutual breakup situations. In any case, since you have a son together, I guess you'll have to remain civil to each other at the very least.

[john30]

Thanks Broken Wolf. I think I can handle the friends thing. I find I feel better when things are civil rather than when they have been hostile.

 

I know I should not want to talk to her again after whats happened, but like you say, we do have a son and I don't want him to suffer through all this.

 

I feel I have made progress, but some days are worse than others. Just when I think I'm getting on top of things I end up back where I started, but I have accepted the fact that it's over, she's not coming back to me, and no matter how hard that is you can't change it, you can't make someone come back to you.

 

The thing that gets to me is these dreams I keep having about her leaving me. Just start feeling a bit better, then I have one of these dreams and it brings all my emotions flooding back, that sucks! Guess I will have to sit up with matchsticks in me eyes.

[Gunny376]

Re: Being friends

 

That's the hardest thing about going through all of this John ~ there's no hard "play-book" by which to go by? What works for one couple? Is totally un-acceptable to another.

 

IMHO ~ you can truly never go back to the "level" of friendship that you and wife once enjoyed? But you certainly be civil and friendly toward one another and treat each other with civility and respect.

 

The other thing to consider? Is once you've healed and decide to move forward in and with your life ~ and you get around to dating and possibly even marrying again your new SO isn't going to be to happy with your being too chubby with the XW? Generally women want and need to be the Number #1 woman in a man'man ~ not even his own mother?

 

I think this "can we still be friends" line is really nothing more than just a gambit to keep you emotioinally engaged ~ in case things don't (a) work out with the OM, (b) things don't work out being single without the OM. In otherwords? Your not even Plan B, your Plan C.

 

Personally, I'd have minimum contact, and minimum communication with her, and get busy with moving on with my life. The sooner the better.

[john30]

Re: Being friends

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think this "can we still be friends" line is really nothing more than just a gambit to keep you emotioinally engaged ~ in case things don't (a) work out with the OM, (b) things don't work out being single without the OM. In otherwords? Your not even Plan B, your Plan C.

 

Personally, I'd have minimum contact, and minimum communication with her, and get busy with moving on with my life. The sooner the better.

 

Thanks Gunny,

 

I think I will stick to the minimum contact idea but be civil whenever we do need to talk about anything, as long as I accept it wont ever be anything else then I will be fine.

 

I don't want to carry on holding feelings of anger and resentment forever, you see so many people going through life hating other people, that wouldn't be moving on would it? To truly move on I think I have to forgive and forget however hard that may be.

 

John.

[PWSX3]

I don't want to carry on holding feelings of anger and resentment forever, you see so many people going through life hating other people, that wouldn't be moving on would it? To truly move on I think I have to forgive and forget however hard that may be.

 

John.

Bingo!!!

In order for you to move on you will have to forgive your W but you don't have to except what she did is O.K.

 

Like Gunny said, you don't want to be plan C & you need to move one. If you are civil with your W it will show your son who is the better parent. You don't have to be walked on but you can be civil.

 

I personally don't think you can be "friends" anymore. What you had with your W is over no matter how you look at it. You are starting a new chapter in your life & she can be part of it because of your child but hopefully you are the one that will learn & grow from this, as for your W she is just moving sideways not really learning from what she has done.

 

I feel that the person that leaves (not all situations of coarse) is just trying to take the easy road, all relationships take time & have there bumps & bruises.

[Ladyjane14]

These guys are right. Her request for "friendship" serves two purposes. One, to alleviate her guilt so she doesn't have to feel like she did anything wrong. Two, to keep you 'in the bullpen' just in case.

 

Your best bet is to make a very decisive break with her. There needs to be a big contrast between what it means to have you in her life and what it means to NOT have you in her life. The slushy middle only mires things up.

 

You'll be alright. And you'll find better "friends", ones who won't treat you so badly. Fact is, once you start feeling a little better, you're not going to want your ex up your butt.