richardcruz Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 (edited) Guys: here is the link to my original thread if your not familiar with my story http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t141...t=dying+inside Thank you all for reding my threads. Your posts are greatly appreciated. Well everyone here it goes, after 15 days I broke NC..It was pouring rain out here and it was just adding to my depression so I did what I knew I shouldn't have and I texted her. My text read "hey I was wondering if you could have dinner with me maybe today or tomorrow." I didn't get a response. I patiently waited for 4 hours yet still no response. I text "well what do you think." I get nothing. I get incredibly frustrated because I know she is ignoring me at this point. So I decided to make it worse and I go to her place of work. I call her from my company cell (which she cant recognize) and she picks up. I say "hi." She asks who is this. I tell her its me. She stays quiet. I tell her If she had received my texts. She simply says yeah. "Did you respond" I ask. She says no. "Why?" I ask. she says "just." I told her "Look ______, I don't want things to end like this between us. Can we at least still talk?" She says "no there is nothing to talk about. You ruined things completely. That night that you came to my house when I wasn't picking up..that was crazy. Please dont ever contact me again. Delete my number and don't ever call me." "But wait" I say. She hangs up on me. I just wanted to talk to her but she would'nt gve me the chance. I wanted to see her face to face just to see if maybe she felt something again. I knew she would be getting out soon so I waited for her. 5 minutes later I see her walking to her car. I call her name. She doesnt even turn around. She quickly gets into her vehicle slams the door and speeds off. Im out in the rain gettin completely soaked just looking at her taillights. I go home and send her a long text of how I just wanted her to hear me out and how cold she was being and that I was finally gonna move on and never contact her or seek her because I was too hurt and tired of getting ignored and treted like crap. I told her that I deleted her number and threw our pics away. I close with "Good bye forever" (crying while im typing)..And that was it guys. She obviously never replied back. And now I know I will never hear from her again. I feel like I let down everyone here that has been giving me advice and support and most importantly I let down myself. I'm so sorry. This happened on Thursday and I haven't came on loveshack because I felt it would just make it worse by typing it out and basically reliving it. I know that I may come of as being obsessed with her and I'm sure thats what she thinks too. I don't know why I did what I did now. But I guess I did what I felt I had to even though it was the wrong thing (crying). I've lost her forever now. Nobody comes back from being that cold and heartless. I just wanted to talk to her, and she wouldn't give me the time of day, even though she saw me standing there in the pouring rain. I guess love makes you do some stupid things. I really don't know. And I know that I cant do anything more to bring her back. Even I can see that even though im dissolutioned by all thats happening. I don't want her to get a restraining order or something. I've been crying every night since. I threw away our pictures because the only reason I was holdng on to them was because deep down I wanted her back and I didn't want to lose hope. But now there is NO hope and I know she will never come back. I feel like I ruined my relationship. Why didn't I give her the space she wanted when she asked for it. Would the end result still have the same. Would she still have told me at the end of time that she had lost her felings for me. Even though she had left me 3 other times throughout our relationship, she always came back because I never persued her or tried to force her. If only I would've done the same. I really feel like its completely my fault and that I ruined things. How can someone that loved you so much and told you they couldn't live without you turn around and tell you that theyve lost all feelings for you and treat you like complete trash. Its been 4 days since I called her and I understand its over even though my heart just aches and tears still come out of her eyes. I can't have her love anymore and now I have this large void in me and everytime i touch it, it brings back memories and images of her and I don't know what to do anymore. I've contemplated the fact of OD'ing on sleeping pills or pain killers but Ive ran that scenario over and over and I guess I don't have that in me. Although I wish I did right now. I couldn't do that to my family. I just couldn't go through with that. I know the only reason I've even considered that is so that she can feel the pain of losing me. So she could get the full impact of what she did to me by treating me like dirt. People say that the truly suicidal typically wont tell anyone anything about thses type of thoughts. They just do It. Like I said I guess its not in me because here I am taking about it. So Im stuck in between a rock and a hard place. I don't wanna hurt anymore. It really really hurts (crying). Im tired of my every thought being about the times when I was happy with her. I'm tired of feeling sick to my stomach about all of this. I feel like throwing up. Im tired of having all of the regrets that I destroyed things. Im tired of telling myself things are going to get better when I can't possibly see how. Im tired of the realization that no matter how good you are with someone, they can always screw you over. Im tired of the realization that words are meaningless. I don't want to hurt anymore. Edited January 28, 2008 by richardcruz Link to post Share on other sites
Teuen101 Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 I don't want things to end like this between us. Can we at least still talk?" She says "no there is nothing to talk about. You ruined things completely. Bro- you didn't ruin anything it was already dead from the sounds of it -can't kill a dead horse twice- sounds to me you got it off you're chest- just need to move on and heal - It's not you're fault- don't let her hang that on you Link to post Share on other sites
Teuen101 Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 I know im posting twice - But its not you Fault- don't beat you're self up- you tried and thats all anyone can do- it take 2 people to be willing to work things out and she isnt going to let that happen- so its her fault - not you- you loved her she don't love you- so how can it be your fault for loving some one .. I know it's hard but you gotta let it go Love ya man Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 as hard as it is to be going through this again, maybe somewhere deep inside you, you needed "proof" that the relationship really is over in her eyes. it's hard and it hurts like hell when the one you love doesn't feel the same about you, but I promise you, you will heal, and some day you're going to look back at this relationship and see it for the growing experience that it's given you. About what you can do to make yourself a better man if there were certain personal behaviors of yours that damaged the relationship. About how hope doesn't cost a thing, you just need to reach out and grab it ... and realize that even though things don't work out the way you want, in the end *something* works out. relationships can suck, but you are created to bounce back, to persevere in the face of loss ... Link to post Share on other sites
JustinWolf Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 Dude, let it go for real. Just drop it. Don't ever speak again to her. I was in your situation and the way I fixed it was not speaking to her for a long time and now even when I see her picture or anything, I'm practically not affected. I do a bit, but trust me it's nothing big. I would write long ass texts like this and now when I read them, trust me man, they sound stupid. Crying? you just hurting yourself. You blaming yourself, it's like you're holding a weapon and using it against you. You could just chill. Cry! Just cry as much as you can and one day you'll realise there's no more crying left. And don't listen to sad songs, it's okay to listen to them the first week. After that, listen to songs that actually get you hyped up to do things. Don't even take a moment of your day to think of her. Think of you and your happiness. Then, one day, maybe, she will contact you. Otherwise, it's time to have some fun. Be strong man. Honnestly, NC will help you and also inner strenght. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Teuen101 Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 and im saying it again its not your fault ! Link to post Share on other sites
JustinWolf Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 and im saying it again its not your fault ! That is definately true. It's not your fault, don't beat yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author richardcruz Posted January 28, 2008 Author Share Posted January 28, 2008 teun and justin..thank you for the multiple "its not your fault posts." thnats th thing that is hurting me the most just thinking that I screwed up. Yeah it wasn't the first time she had broken up w me in the past and yeah she ended it this time when she asked for space, but I just start feeling like im the one that ultimately ended it.. thats what torments me. At the beginning of the space she would stil txt me and tell m she l_v_d me. it wasn't until i started asking her over and over why she wa doing this to me that things got even worse. Link to post Share on other sites
CalamitousJane Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 A huge cyber-hug for {{{Richard}}}. Plus some bunnies:bunny::bunny::bunny:. It seems that really putting yourself out there with her was a good thing. She was cruel to you - she's a person capable of cruelty. Not a good mate for you. I can tell that you are a good, warm-hearted person, and you deserve the same in a partner. Thursday was a day of endings, it seems. I ended something that day too, and while it was very sad, at the same time it was a huge relief. Keep crying until all the sadness is gone. Underneath the pain is a beautiful feeling of peace and freedom. Look how much all of us LS'ers care about you! Let that caring wrap you like a blanket, and know that there's a woman out there who can love you completly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author richardcruz Posted January 28, 2008 Author Share Posted January 28, 2008 I really wish I collect on that hug. I completely feel like crap and im so tired of the hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
JustinWolf Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 It's not your fault because you did what your heart told you to. You did what anyone in your situation would have done. She should have been there for you when you needed that comfort. She wasn't. Now, you are going to be sad for a woman like that? Someone who pushes you away like that. Treats you like that. Makes you look low. You're going to be sad? C'mon man, you're stronger than that! Link to post Share on other sites
miami45uconn Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 yea I did somethings similar my x changed her number apparentley when we do this we only make ourselves look so unnattractive I Ono exactly how your feelin. I haven't tried contacting her for two weeks but the last time I actually talked to her was over a month ago. I mean evryone says just get over it but I can't really do that until I stop feeling like in love with her. I have seen small provements but it still hurts. If she misses me a few months down the road then maybe I'll take her back just try and let her miss you not much else you ca. Do if you still love her Link to post Share on other sites
CalamitousJane Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 I really wish I collect on that hug. I completely feel like crap and im so tired of the hurt. Just close your eyes and feel it Richard! To Richard and Miami, I know it doesn't feel like it now, but time and tears are like magic. Feeling what you're feeling means that your heart is alive and full of desire, and that's a good thing! I was where you are now a couple months ago. It's true that the night is darkest just before dawn. Sometimes the night is very long and it seems like it will never end. But it does. Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 You are saying and doing some irrational things. Waiting in the rain to talk to her? Don't beat yourself up too much over it because we've all been there, but understand that in your painful state, you are going to make some bad decisions. That is why no contact is advised. I know your thoughts...how can she not comfort me? how can she just push me out of her life? If you were in a reverse role, you'd probably be kind and consoling, restating the relationship is over, but calmly explaining why and validating her as a person. What you are struggling with is that she doesn't appear to be the caring person you though of her as. It's not just the loss of the relationship, it's coming to terms that she isn't who you thought she was. That is tough. Link to post Share on other sites
messiah Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 sounds like you ruined your chances when you turned up to her house when she specifically didnt want to see you. When woman say that they really mean it. There is no use begging or pleading the moment they say that they dont wana see you. Because if you start to beg or plead then it just shows your not listening to her and of course woman hate men that dont listen to them (am i right or wrong about that girls?) once they say it im sure they dont mean they dont want you out of their life (unless of course you have done something so terrible to her) it just means give her space, which is what you should have done. Therefore turning up to her house was a bad mistake trying to talk to her was a very big mistake. Anyone would find that freaky Woman or Man. Im sorry if im sounding harsh But its what you need to hear so you can learn from it. Take it as a lesson in dealing with situations like this. So moral of the story is "Listen to your woman". On a brighter note, what ever doesnt kill you only makes you stronger. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkRibbon Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 You did not cause the breakup by going to her house and trying to see her. Just realize you followed your heart and that is not a bad thing.At least you tried. She has already decided that it was over weather or not you tried to reconcille. There is nothing you can do but try to take it one day at a time. When people get it in there head it is over then for them it is over. I am sorry because I know how you feel. My husband has nothing to do with me so I know your hurt. Big squeezy hug and I hope you feel better soon. Link to post Share on other sites
CalamitousJane Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 Actually I don't think it was a mistake at all. I think that experience is what he needed in order to stop waiting and wondering. Any woman with an ounce of compassion would have seen that Richard was suffering, and even though it might have been difficult, she would have attempted to alleviate his suffering without giving him false hope. It's the right thing to do when you break up with someone. Her inability to be kind during his emotional crisis makes her poor relationship material. Richard deserves better. Link to post Share on other sites
serendip Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 Sorry to hear what happen dude? But it's best you come to the realization it's over between the 2 of you. There's nothing you can do to ever fix it. Feel the hurt and then let it go in your own time. But no matter what...don't contact her again or you will come across as some bunny boiling harassment dude. If you ever cared for her you would leave her alone. Link to post Share on other sites
ninjaturtles Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 You are saying and doing some irrational things. Waiting in the rain to talk to her? Don't beat yourself up too much over it because we've all been there, but understand that in your painful state, you are going to make some bad decisions. That is why no contact is advised. I know your thoughts...how can she not comfort me? how can she just push me out of her life? If you were in a reverse role, you'd probably be kind and consoling, restating the relationship is over, but calmly explaining why and validating her as a person. What you are struggling with is that she doesn't appear to be the caring person you though of her as. It's not just the loss of the relationship, it's coming to terms that she isn't who you thought she was. That is tough. Richard, I highlighted the above because i can totally relate to it. There are two issues..the actual breakup and the aftermath. Reading what oppath said brought back memories..God...I wonder if he is reading my brain. I went throught the exact thins you are going through. Well, not exactly because I never called him after the breakup or went to visit him etc. I sent messages etc...nothing extreme but the similiarities between your story and mine is the way we were treated after the breakup. There is a way humans should be treated. If you cheated on her or did something really cruel, then her behaviour may be warranted. However, the fact that she is behaving so callous, so cold, so mean is what hurts so much. 'If only she will give you a chance to explain'..that;s what is going through your mind! I don't undertstand how people can be so cruel. The least she could do is reaffirm to you that she does not want to be with you. If you were stalking her and breaking her windows..THEN she could avoid you like a plague and treat you the way she is behaving to you now. However, her behaviour is so unkind..JEEZ..I know how hard it must hurt, i know the palin you feel. It makes you wonder how someone can treat you in such a dregradable way...DOES ANYONE KNOW WHY? PLEASE HELP OUT, ESP WHEN YOU ARE NOT STALKING THE EX...WHY DOES THE EX BEHAVE THIS WAY???!!! Anyway, please take heart.You can only feel the pain. In a way, its good this happened because it reinforces that it is over with you two. PLEASE DONT think about the 'good times'you had. Think about the way she is treating you now that you need her, now that you are so depressed. She does NOT care for you..if she did, she would not be able to treat you this way. Please dont forget that!!! Keep posting..Look people have been through this, you will feel better. Anyway, I AM IN big rush..have to go for a lecture so please ignore any grammatical errors. HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSS Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 Okay, if you text her once and she doesn't respond, DON'T text her again and then go to her work and then wait for her in the parking lot. Speaking as a woman, that would REALLY freak me out, big time. She gave you closure, even if she didn't do it in the nicest way. She asked you repeatedly not to contact her and your response was to contact her over and over. Even though it's tough, you have to let her go. The sooner you stop contacting her, the sooner you'll get over her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author richardcruz Posted January 28, 2008 Author Share Posted January 28, 2008 (edited) I think I get the worst ideas when I wake up. Well this morning I was thinking to myself that I should shoot her over this text. I was also thinking to myself that come valentines day I should send her some flowers with a simple card that just says happy valentines day. I know its still a few weeks from now. Well here is the text. I wrote it the same way I would on my cellphone. "I know ur not gonna respond to this txt and im not xpecting one. I wanted to tell u that I am really sorry bout the way that I acted. U told me how to get u back when you first asked for space and I ruined things. The thought of losing u and the feeling of u slippin away was too much for me and made me act irrational and impulsive. Now i've lost u forever n the regret leaves me sleepless at night. I have never felt lonelier. Edited January 28, 2008 by richardcruz Link to post Share on other sites
serendip Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 I think I get the worst ideas when I wake up. Well this morning I was thinking to myself that I should shoot her over this texting. I was also thinking to myself that come valentines day I should send her some flowers with a simple card that just says happy valentines day. I know its still a few weeks from now. Well here is the text. I wrote it the same way I would on my cellphone. "I know ur not gonna respond to this txt and im not xpecting one. I wanted to tell u that I am really sorry bout the way that I acted. U told me how to get u back when you first asked for space and I ruined things. The thought of losing u and the feeling of u slippin away was too much for me and made me act irrational and impulsive. Now i've lost u forever n the regret leaves me sleepless at night. I have never felt lonelier. Dude, seriously bad idea. She wants to be left alone(she made it quite clear)...no matter what you say...it's not going to make it better. It can only make it worse. You already told her in your last text 'Goddbye forever'...if you send anymore texts...you would be harassing her considering she already told you to lose her number. If she had contacted you...then you can send her something...otherwise let her be. You want her fix things with you b/c of your need (I know I've been there)...but it's selfish of you...she doesn't owe you anything anymore. Maybe the selfless act would be to leave her alone and heal yourself. Sorry if it comes across as harsh dude Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 DO NOT TEXT HER AGAIN! DO NOT SEND HER FLOWERS!!!! She is no longer your girlfriend, and if you contact her again you're going to seem like a stalker. You kind of already do (not to be harsh, but honest.) You MUST let her go. She has told you in no uncertain terms not to contact her. If you contact her again she would not be amiss in getting a restraining order. She knows you're sad. She knows you're lonely. Telling her how sad and lonely you are (in abbreviated text-speak, no less) is a really, really, REALLY bad idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Author richardcruz Posted January 28, 2008 Author Share Posted January 28, 2008 (edited) Yeah I posted this here first because I know that I would get an honest opinion, and I'm thankful for that. Im not sending it. I screwed things up and now I have to deal with the regret. I truly did lose her forever but I can't blame anyone but myself. I guess I just worked against myself because I made myself lose the one person I truly loved. Its the regret that makes things unbearable. Edited January 28, 2008 by richardcruz Link to post Share on other sites
serendip Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 (edited) Yeah I posted this here first because I know that I would get an honest opinion, and I'm thankful for that. Im not sending it. I screwed things up and now I have to deal with the regret. I truly did lose her forever but I can't blame anyone but myself. I guess I just worked against myself because I made myself lose the one person I truly loved. Its the regret that makes things unbearable. Dude we all make mistakes...but there comes a point where you have to stop making them...or else it becomes a worst train wreck. Best thing you can do for yourself and her is to leave her alone. Respect her wishes and respect yourself. You loved and lost...that's more then some people get. Hope you heal soon Edited January 28, 2008 by serendip Link to post Share on other sites
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