upset/confused Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Oh dear this is going to be a long one! I have been reading the forums for a few months now and always find the advice to be very good so i thought i would give it a try! Where to start i dont know? Background Ok I have known my husband since i was 5, we went through school together and finally got together when we were 17, I had our frst child quite quickly, infact a year later at 18 with our second arriving when we were both 20. Not long after that we moved far away from our families due to my husbands job but we were more than happy. We married when we were 20 not long before we moved away. When things started to go wrong Our relationship was amazing up untill january of this year when we started having a few disagreements but in my eyes things were still ok, everyone has arguements done they? Well in April my husband said he wanted to end it, i was devasted as you can imagine. I had a lot of support from friends even although i had no family around, we agreed to take a few weeks away from each other and in the end he came crawling back apologising for his actions, and i had also used the time to see how i could improve myself. Things quickly got back on track and he moved back home. Really wrong In the July we had a bit of an arguement one night and i told him maybe we got back to quickly we shuld maybe have another break (i still loved him more than anything but thought if it was to work we had to both really think). Well shortly after that he told me it was over, the next day he was away with work for 2 weeks, and i found out he had been texting another woman. I confronted them both and it was very clear he was messed up big time. His actions, behaviour were just all wrong and his friends agreed with me, everyone was quite concerned. Anyway he moved out but still consistently came round to see me and was ignoring the other woman, naievly at the time i know now i was stupid as he was still going back to her but all i wanted was my husband back and i would have done anything! ( Now i know i should have broken off all contact!) Anyway after a few chats he had with his family he started being back to his normal self and asked if i could forgive him and come home, to which i agreed, again he was telling me everything i wanted to hear but always letting me down, however i accepted it in fear of losing him again, which is wrong. Back/Not back He could not make up his mind, yes he loved but didnt want to be with me but he could not keep away, he would be round to watch the tele, taking me out for drinks the normal things, even friends and family said to us you would never in a million years think you two had split up , you look so comfortable, so happy etc. He would come round drunk declaring his undying love and while i was aware this is not a relationship at least i knew he wasnt with anyone else. 2 weeks ago He turned round and said for the final time it was over after i had asked him if he was seeing someone else, he had been bomnarded with messages for days from some girl and would be very secretive about it, he said nothing was going on but i wasnt sure. My heart sank and my world came crashing down around me, i know and his friends have told him he would never find soemone else who would treat him like i do. But he said he isnt happy and i can not change that, i have tried my hardest. Well he refused to answer my texts or calls but he would still occasionally call me when he wasnt doing anything. Then last week he called at 2am drunk asking if he could come round to talk, i said can it not wait, is it a good idea etc but he came anyway. Again i got the I love you but i cant be with you routine and he was kissing me etc but i was strong and pulled away. The next morning he couldnt remeber what he said/done so apologised and left. One thing that stuck in my mind though was he said "i love you, i dont care what everyone else says" this stuck because whilst he is a man and is more than capable of making his own decisions he is heavily influenced by his friends - he is in the Armed forces and there is A LOT of young single guys, he is only 23 aswell. Anyway we had a wedding that weekend that went well and he were kissing cuddling and again were told you two still look madly in love. Last weekend This was the last time i had seen him, he came round on the sat night and we had a take away because he was flying out to kenya on the monday morning then we said our goodbyes, however on the sunday he came back round so we could all go out to the park with the kids and we had a really nice time. When we got home we had dinner and then watched a movie everything was lovely, as he left i started to cry and he cuddled me and gave me a kiss. he sent me a message that night saying, You are a wonderful person who has grown into a fun intelligent woman. you will always be very special to me. We had some amazing times together and we will always be the best of friends. Its just that we were a little too young and different for each other. i will miss you while i am away always do always will. will tell you all about it when i get back, night night xx this had me in floods of tears, i was heart broken. The next day i text him saying while you are away (6 weeks) will you just think about things, he never answered the question, just said take care will see you soon x Since he has been gone he has text me twice but nothing about our relationship more just hope you are ok, i am fine, the place is beautiful and so on. Im not sure if he has met someone else, or not, I think i have accepted he is not coming back but i know he cares for me deeply. I feel like he wants me in his life but doesnt if u know what i mean. Question is where do i go from here do i just try my hardest to move on? I havent text him since he went, only to reply to his message saying i was ok. I feel as though i havent done enough to try and save my marriage. Sorry to ramble on and on and if you have taken the time to read all this then thank you so very much x
Ladyjane14 Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 This reminds me a bit of Mammax3's thread, where a guy with kids decides to just cut and run like parenthood was optional or something: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t124481/ It also reminds me of StubbornButNice, who's husband was also military and yanking her around: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t112094/ Honestly, I'd go ahead and divorce his sorry ass if it was me.... but I'm a bitch like that. Somebody has to be responsible. Your priority should be the kids. Making certain that you have support for them is paramount. If he's military, he's not going to have much alternative financially but to support his family. See an attorney who's well versed in military law. Based on what you've said... yeah, I think he's got some whore in his ear telling him what to do. Probably the same one as before. They can be amazingly tenacious when they're out to WIN. Your best bet I think is to just move on with your life.. and devil take the hindmost. It's not until a guy is pretty darn sure you're DONE with him that he's usually willing to take stock of his situation. That said, you don't do it as a gambit to bring him home. You do it for you and your kids, so that you can reestablish some stability in your family-life. Give some thought to providing him an email addy where he can contact you for business to do with the children or finances... and tell him you're not interested in being demoted from wife to "buddy". Tell him to give you a call when he's pulled his head out of his ass and when he's become a MAN rather than a little BOY. But make sure he knows you're not waiting around, holding your breath, waiting for him to accomplish THAT particular Herculean task. Think about it this way... what's already gone is already gone. What do you have to lose by digging in your heels and refusing to let your own husband treat you like a Motel 6? People will treat you like you let them afterall. You might also type into your browser, "what are plan a and plan b, marriagebuilders", and read the article you find there. It will explain how limiting contact can be beneficial when your spouse stubbornly adheres to his affair. It sounds to me like you've already done a pretty good Plan A. Maybe it's time for introducing the reality of Plan B? Again though, remember that Plan B is for you... so you can get the chaos out of your life. IMO, it's just a side benefit that it sometimes gets a wayward's attention more fully by giving him a peek through the window of divorce before it's too late.
Gunny376 Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 The "hardest" job in the military? Being a military wife! You most definately need to go "Alpha" on him and teach your not playing with his azz! Don't wait too long ~ it will be too late then! I'd go the full "Monty" on him! Per DOD (Dept of Defense) regulations your entitled to up to 80% of his base pay. And that's before you even get to divorce court. (The military doesn't want "bad press" about wives and children living on the streerts homeless) and despite the bills. Divorce him? Why? You've got him on the hook like a 6 #lb large mouth bass! Let him have his bimbos ~ while your counting "his" money! I've seen these "Sad-Sacks" types in the Corps! Stupid SOB's! By the time the wives got done with their lying, cheating azzes ~ they were living in the barracks, eating in the chow hall with thier meal cards, with just enough to buy a six pack and a carton of cigs every two weeks. Sitting around on weekends spit shinning their boots and cleaning thier rifles! If it were me? I'd be introducing some reality into his life!
Author upset/confused Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 thank you both for taking the time to read my post, your advice is very much appreciated. I agree with it all and know that i have to get stronger and harder on him, at the moment he is using me when he is bored, sitting in the barracks and he thinks oh i have a nice house with sky where i can go if i want. I do still love him very much so i let him walk in and out when he pleases but that went on for 4 months and i cant do it anymore its not fair on me or the kids. I think i will get there, i just cant beleive how stupid he is being but then again i cant force him to stay. Will go have a read of the other threads posted and also the website, thanks for those. Do you think i have any hope if i just move on, while i want to show him i dont need him, i dont want him to think i dont want him, does that make sense? thanks again x
Ladyjane14 Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Do you think i have any hope if i just move on, while i want to show him i dont need him, i dont want him to think i dont want him, does that make sense? Where there is life there is hope, right? It's okay to let him know that he can contact you it he ever manages to pull his head out of his hindquarters, even that it's your preference that he does. In fact, if you were to follow Plan B protocol as recommended by Dr. Harley, you'd write him a nice letter and tell him so. The PBL (Plan B Letter) is a love letter in alot of ways, where you would review the things that you loved about him, special times in the relationship and all that, your dreams for the future, your regret of past mistakes. But primarily it's a place where you set boundaries on what it would take for him to reestablish personal contact with you, a roadmap home as it were. So, for example, if your boundaries are that he give up the OW and enter into marriage counseling, you wouldn't accept contact of a personal nature until he committed himself to those boundaries. Who knows what might happen in the future. The possibilities are endless. One thing is certain though... you have to live your life. Afterall, it's a crapshoot with a WS (Wayward Spouse). Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't, and sometimes... by the time they've made up their mind, the betrayed spouse doesn't care about 'em anymore.
Gunny376 Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Naw! I'd go DefCon4 on his azz! I'd drop the "Bomb" on his azz! Being "military' HIS azz would comprend that "wake-up" call! LOUD AND CLEAR!
Ladyjane14 Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Naw! I'd go DefCon4 on his azz! I'd drop the "Bomb" on his azz! Being "military' HIS azz would comprend that "wake-up" call! LOUD AND CLEAR! In all candor... so would I. But that's me. I'm just trying to offer her some softer options is all.... something that'll leave the door propped open for a little while longer. Who knows? Maybe the guy will decide to straighten up and fly right if she throws a little tough love at him.
Gunny376 Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 In all candor... so would I. But that's me. I'm just trying to offer her some softer options is all.... something that'll leave the door propped open for a little while longer. Who knows? Maybe the guy will decide to straighten up and fly right if she throws a little tough love at him. Yea I know LJ, and despite Chrome Bariccuda and others? I try and tone it down? Not everyone can be Sprartians! From the movie "The 300" ~ "You obviously don't know of our women!"
Author upset/confused Posted September 25, 2007 Author Posted September 25, 2007 Where there is life there is hope, right? Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't, and sometimes... by the time they've made up their mind, the betrayed spouse doesn't care about 'em anymore. This is what I think will happen, as much as i love him, i know i dont NEED him in my life, but i WANT him in my life, i am starting to see that our relationship had faults, I know i could work on them but not sure he could.
Author upset/confused Posted September 25, 2007 Author Posted September 25, 2007 Yea I know LJ, and despite Chrome Bariccuda and others? I try and tone it down? Not everyone can be Sprartians! From the movie "The 300" ~ "You obviously don't know of our women!" LOL, i love that movie, i do think i need to get tough on him, and it will be an acte, he knows i am a soft touch, he can see throw me, i just need you guys to keep me in the right frame of mind before i crumble and go back begging!!!
Author upset/confused Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 Well just thought i would give a little update: On tues he text me saying, I know you are at work but just thought i would check you are ok and doing well etc. I never replied for a good few hours which i think confused him! I usually reply straight away. Then I got a text this morning at 5.30 am , although it would have been 7.30 over where he is, anyway he said, hope you are ok babe havent heard from you in a while (its only been a day and a half) Hope kids are doing well and behaving etc. So I text back saying yeah im fine just getting on with things, anyway this is where i think i made the mistake, a couple of hours later i felt the message i sent was a bit abrupt so i text him saying, Im missing you. Do you think it was a bad idea, i do but im not sure?
Ladyjane14 Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Then I got a text this morning at 5.30 am , although it would have been 7.30 over where he is, anyway he said, hope you are ok babe havent heard from you in a while (its only been a day and a half) Hope kids are doing well and behaving etc. So I text back saying yeah im fine just getting on with things, anyway this is where i think i made the mistake, a couple of hours later i felt the message i sent was a bit abrupt so i text him saying, Im missing you. Do you think it was a bad idea, i do but im not sure? Yeah, I think it was a mistake. This guy is still coming to you for EN fulfillment and you're letting him. When it comes to emotional needs, the need for continuity of family, the need to ascertain that your "safety net" is still waiting... these ENs are common to wayward spouses. He's touching base to make sure you haven't gone anywhere.. and you're reassuring him that you haven't. He's double-dipping, coming to his spouse for some ENs, and to his affair partner for others. Allowing him to do that unabated, enables him to continue in both relationships. In essence, you're telling him that you're okay with the way he's treating you. You two do have children together, so I think the more appropriate response would've been to leave it with "yeah... the kids are fine". Right now... today... the old marriage is OVER. You need to accept that, sweetie. It makes you strong when you do. Because after that... you have nothing to lose that's not already been lost. The FEAR and ANXIETY you feel from worrying that you're gonna make a wrong move will dissipate. You're free to be your natural self again and deal with your former partner from a position of power. Now, it's possible that he might clean himself up and you two might begin a new and better marriage. But I'll be honest with you... MOST of the people posting to this board are going to end up divorced. There is no strategy that will MAKE a silk purse out of a sow's ear. And currently... this guy is a sow's ear. He's got babies at home and a wife who sincerely loves him... and here he is, running around with some skanky trollop and acting like integrity is optional. He's NOT a worthy partner for you unless he makes changes within himself and unfortunately most of these MM-cheaters aren't willing to consider those changes until it's way too late. Believe it or not, if things continue along as they have, you will come to a point where NOTHING he can say or do would make you want him back. It'll be YOU who no longer wants the marriage. Sometimes, allowing a WS to believe that his spouse is slipping from his grasp provides enough impetus for him to reexamine his situation. It gives him a little peek through the window of divorce BEFORE you're really fed up enough to be done with him forever. You might try Michelle Weiner Davis' Divorce Busting in order to help you stiffen your resolve to not chase him or enable him. Here's an excerpt: Michele Weiner-Davis, re: DivorceBusting 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow him around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes Also, you can type into your browser, "no contact with your wayward spouse, healing library", and read the article you find there. Modifying contact so that it's appropriate to child-rearing but not enabling bad behavior is tricky, but if you want him to REALLY know what he's missing without you in his life... you can't keep on reassuring him that you're always going to be there for him. One day, you WON'T be. You'll run out of gas and be DONE. Best he know it now while it'll still do him some good. Also, give some thought to what Gunny suggested earlier and make sure this guy stays pretty broke. OWs are usually not as impressed with MM who are living in their pocket because they can't pay their own way. Wining and dining isn't nearly as much fun for her if she's always the one paying the tab.
Author upset/confused Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 He's touching base to make sure you haven't gone anywhere.. and you're reassuring him that you haven't. He's double-dipping, coming to his spouse for some ENs, and to his affair partner for others. Allowing him to do that unabated, enables him to continue in both relationships. In essence, you're telling him that you're okay with the way he's treating you. You two do have children together, so I think the more appropriate response would've been to leave it with "yeah... the kids are fine". Believe it or not, if things continue along as they have, you will come to a point where NOTHING he can say or do would make you want him back. It'll be YOU who no longer wants the marriage. Thanks for the advice, i think i realised after i had sent it, it was a mistake. The bit about touching base i totally agree with, he normally always knows i am around, but was worried cause i hadnt been in contact with him, but i reassured him and should have just left it. And the bit about me no longer wanting the marriage, i agree with aswell, a few weeks ago i would have allowed him to come and go as he pleases in the hope of him coming back but this time im hoping to be strong and just say no, its not happening like that.
Author upset/confused Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 have I blew it? Well he has text me now, tues, thurs, fri (plus a call fri night) sunday and today, thing is he has always called me babe but today he said, hows things with you name? Any plans yet (to move away) Hows kids x I replied saying yeah kids r good, i was in town but then said Do you want rid of me to be with someone else? I should have left it shouldnt i!
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