Happy Birthday Carrot! :P

[carrotgirl]

I don't know. It's my mantra the past couple of days!

 

I'm mostly crying and drinking and whining to my brother, who said he was disappointed since he was really looking forward to a different outcome. That says a lot considering the source. It was kind of extra sad that.

 

My now ex boyfriend and I spent an hour on the phone talking tonight. He said he was really sorry for hurting me and ruining my birthday. It's this week #30! He said he thought it would be worse if he waited to break up with me. I said no, selfishly I'd prefer a happy birthday thanks.

 

He said he doesn't want me to hate him. He said he felt terrible that I looked like I wanted to kill him and I was unhappy with him when I saw him the other day. I said I didn't want to kill him. I wanted to hold him. I kind of love him and I AM unhappy with him because this is confusing and out of nowhere and it's hurting me!

 

I said I didn't much like how he looked at me like he was unhappy with me and wanted me gone. He said he didn't. Then he talked about how he was still planning on giving me a birthday gift and said I could verify it since he was already talking about it with other friends.

 

I said really? As I write this I'm still stunned he would tell me this. He said yes, he really was giving me something only he wanted to be sure that I wouldn't burn his gift and hate him forever. Dumb me. I asked him, So it burns? He said he hoped I wouldn't burn it.

 

I said that depended on him. He asked why that depended on him. I said if I hated him then why would I want anything from him. He said he didn't want me to hate him but what was he supposed to do to fix it. And then he said he really thought it would hurt me less the way he did it.

 

I told him I'd rather have a happy birthday and to just do something to make this better. I'll be happy with a cupcake and sweetness this week despite this rot but if he doesn't come up with something to fix this birthday it's going to be one of those things that sucks forever. He agreed.

 

Why did we talk? Why did we talk for an hour?

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

I decided to let it go. I don't care anymore about him doing anything for my birthday. What I want isn't a present.

 

I don't care if I'm being cowardly. I don't see any point in fighting this either in reality or in my fantasies. He said he didn't love me. It doesn't matter that I love him. There's nothing I can do that will change this. Nothing I won't do will change this.

 

So I'm going to be alone and have a terrible, lonely 30th birthday. It's just another day. I'll sleep through it and then it will be gone.

 

I don't think I've been aware of feeling so much nothing since my parents died.

[Touche]

Aww, hugs carrot girl. That stinks. My 30th b-day sucked too. You'll be ok. Good for you for being strong and letting the past go. Hold out for more from now on. Don't you deserve to have someone love you the way you should be loved?

 

Stick around here and hang in there, ok? When's your b-day?

[carrotgirl]

Thanks Touche. It's the 23rd. I'm thinking about getting myself a kitten.

[carrotgirl]

Damn. Damn. Damn.

 

I came across this letter from last spring http://ninjin-joshi.blogspot.com/

 

The same man just told me "I don't love you." ?

[bartles]

Happy Early Birthday! Sorry things are like they are

[carrotgirl]

Thanks Bartles. I wish things were different.

 

I'm going to make myself a snack and see if that makes me feel better at all.

[Spinderella]

i just replied to your other thread but saw this. i'm sorry, that sucks.

it sounds like he thinks it can all be better if he gives you a gift, you might be better off just telling him that you are better off just trying to get over him as quick as possible. i think spending your birthday with someone who no longer loves you sounds really awful. better to be lonely. i dont know. what do you think?

what were his reasons for no longer having feelings anyway, did they just stop? has he talked to you properly about this?

[carrotgirl]

I got Poptarts. I don't even like them. For some reason they were the only thing that looked good. Two bites in. I didn't gag. That's progress!

[Spinderella]

for a minute there i thought poptarts were his gift to you!

[carrotgirl]

Spinderella, hi. I think at first I was thinking I didn't want to have this be a problem for any relationship we might have going forward.

 

Now I just feel very depressed and want to feel not depressed as soon as possible. So I don't want anything or anyone upsetting me if I can help it. I'm not usually a big control freak but this time I'm controlling all by removing myself from his world completely. And I've been doing my best to remove him from mine.

 

I don't really need to tell him anything one way or another. So I stopped communicating. He doesn't need for me to tell him to give me gifts or not give me gifts. He doesn't need for me to tell him to leave me alone. I've noticed reading the posts here that telling someone to leave you alone doesn't really do much. I decided to stop saying anything at all.

 

He would talk to me as much as I want to talk to him. He's made every effort to be available to me to answer questions, help me get through this however he's able. He doesn't have an answer to what changed. I don't think that's bull. It possible he really doesn't know what's going on inside of him.

 

I have a lot of girlfriends who are uncomfortable with grey areas relationships. They aren't happy unless they know the future is locked up. And if that answer isn't immediately forthcoming from themselves or the guy - they sabotage the relationship. Maybe that's what he did?

 

Or maybe his truth is as he said - he doesn't love me and there is no reason other than he just doesn't feel it.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

I'm smiling a little. That's funny. The Poptarts thing.

 

It was partially the not knowing what this mystery gift is that made me decide to let it all go.

 

In my own head I was acting like an idiot. I was thinking things like he'd better come up with something good, it had better be something personal. it better not be a book or something for my cat. Just really crappy stuff like that.

 

Normally I would be happy with any gift from him... He's never given me anything I didn't like. I realized there probably wasn't any gift he could give that I'd appreciate now. The only thing I want from him is a gift of himself.

[Spinderella]

hello carrot. its horrible when someone says they just dont feel it, its like theres nothing you can do isnt it? totally no hope.

thats what my ex just said to me too.

i think at least it breaks the illusion that there might be a way to fix it and so the frantic contacting that people sometimes do to try and make things ok again.

once you have accepted the only way is up.

although it sounds bleak, it is better just to roll along on the bottom of the ocean for a while, and eventually you float back up again.

it sounds like you are doing this anyway, and i think you are being sensible about this.

[carrotgirl]

I just saw him at lunch. I had one second long look at him because there he was coming toward where I was sitting with my team. He looks good. He looks tired.

 

Then I had one flicker of a look when I got up to leave. He tried to make eye contact both times. I avoided those eyes. For the one flicker I could see it registered that I'm ignoring him.

 

Whatever. I'm not game playing. I'm hurting too much to act neutrally toward him right now. I was OK the first couple of days. I'm not OK today.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

I wasn't ready to talk about it last week. I needed to process and get myself together. It turns out I didn't really get much space for that but what happened probably won't be a surprise to anyone. He blew off my birthday completely.

 

Despite all of his saying he'd gotten me something, there was nothing. No gift. No card. No e-card. He didn't even say Happy Birthday. No acknowledgment at all. Nothing during the past week after the fact either.

 

He broke up with me and owes me nothing and somehow I'm still surprised at how much he sucks.

 

Carrot

[marlena]

A belated Happy Birthday wish from me too, Carrot! Hope you feel better...if not now.. soon, very soon.

[carrotgirl]

Thank you! I'm 30 and 1 week old today!

[Spinderella]

If I put myself in the position, unless my ex had been really horrible, then I would have to make sure that I was kind enough to say happy birthday, and make sure they were okay. Perhaps though, he thought it was nicer and kinder to allow you to not have to deal with him, and your feelings about him. I dont know.

[carrotgirl]

This morning I got a call on my business line. Hi, this is Carrot.

 

It was my ex. He was cheery and chipper and his voice rang out with a big Happy Birthday!

 

I asked, Who is this? He said, It's the ex. I said, Oh, hi. He asked, How are you? I said, Busy and you?

 

He said, The same here really. I've been busy getting birthday presents for you!

 

He sounded so excited and happy. I didn't say anything.

 

He said, I was wondering if you want to do something together later. I was thinking we could do a birthday dinner and a movie. And I have birthday presents for you! Happy Birthday Carrot!

 

I said, My birthday was last week.

 

There was deadly silence. I am telling you deadly. Then there were strange throaty noises.

 

He said, But your birthday is today. I have it in my calendar for today. Carrot's 30 on 30. I've been planning for it. I have presents for you and everything. He sounded like he might cry.

 

 

No way. No fluskcing way. ARE MEN REALLY THIS BAD? This is so stupid I don't know what to think. Someone please tell me if I've lost my mind. Is this a joke?

 

Carrot

[johan]

...

 

I said, My birthday was last week.

 

 

Ha ha ha.... I think it's a funny story, even though you probably don't. He's just a dumb guy. He wanted to connect with you and blew it. But still, he wanted to connect with you. Not sure what broke you up, but it sounds like he was making an effort of some kind.

 

I personally wouldn't buy gifts for someone if there was a lot of awkwardness in the relationship. He probably thought the gifts would make you happy.

[carrotgirl]

Johan, I'm glad someone finds this funny.

 

In regard to what broke us up, if you have insight I'm all ears. There's no one else. We weren't fighting. No sex issues. No warning. If you read my first post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1321591#post1321591 you will know as much about why we broke up as I do.

 

I've questioned it some here, but not that much since the whole "I don't love you" bit is quite the conversation killer, even in my own head. He must have meant it. Why else say it?

 

About the birthday stupidity, I just don't know.

[underpants]

This just happened to me on Wednesday! From out of nowhere, my boyfriend broke up with me. He's not seeing anyone else. This is pretty much how the conversation went.

 

You're so happy. I don't love you and I'm getting angrier and angrier at myself and I can't stand it. I'm happy when I'm with you and it's fun being with you but later I wind up hating myself. I think it's wrong to be so happy with someone I'm not in love with and I'm not in love with you. I don't think we can see each other any more.

 

And then silence. I didn't know what to say. We've been so blissed being together. He even said it too! But then this crazy-making phonecall and suddenly we're broken up. He was crying when I hung up.

 

I just don't get it.

Carrot

 

This is all you got?

 

From that not very communicative and insightful discussion he had with you. I would ponder he has commitment issues.

 

Something I have noticed here and there. There are some people who really enjoy the chase, or the euphoria of a new relationship. Then when they discover that this other person might very well like them back...it sets off scary bells, then the sabotaging begins.

 

I find it kind of self defeating if not down right self loathing to find fault, or to end a good relationship just because gosh forbid, the other party treats you well and likes you back. Maybe I should be happy that I don't understand this thinking. Although, I am beginning to recognize the people who suscribe to it.

 

Now about this all of a sudden friendly phonecall. I don't know about that. I agree with Johan that he is definately trying to make a connection. I don't know his motives behind it. Maybe you could just point blank ask him. He could be just trying to be friendly to off set the guilt he feels by dumping you.

 

The whole thing is a bit odd. Now I have that silly What Is Love, baby don't hurt me song stuck in my head.

 

How long did you two date?

[carrotgirl]

This is all you got?

 

Yes. Perhaps it wasn't insightful but it is irrefutable.

 

I'm curious. Why do you think his motives here have bearing? Do you think they will have a different meaning than his motives in breaking up with me 2 and a half weeks ago?

 

i don't think there is more depth to this effort. How could there be? He said he doesn't love me. I keep coming back to that eh?

 

Carrot

[underpants]

Yes. Perhaps it wasn't insightful but it is irrefutable.

 

I'm curious. Why do you think his motives here have bearing? Do you think they will have a different meaning than his motives in breaking up with me 2 and a half weeks ago?

 

i don't think there is more depth to this effort. How could there be? He said he doesn't love me. I keep coming back to that eh?

 

Carrot

 

I just don't understand what he is doing, or why.

 

It is obviously upsetting to you and that I can understand. You are handling it well.

 

Are you going to meet with him to get the presents that he has worked on?

[carrotgirl]

I'm considering it.