Emotions Versus Logic: The Ongoing Battle

[Starlight Starbright]

Hi everyone. Since my boyfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me almost 4 weeks ago, I have not been doing so well. Crying every day still, too depressed to do anything. I am 26 years old and he was my first boyfriend and first love. I even posted about my situation a couple weeks back in the "Second Chances" forum.

 

In my previous post, I briefly mentioned about how my boyfriend was insecure and jealous, and how that made me depressed throughout the relationship. But I still went on to write that I wanted him back. The thing is I WASN'T HAPPY WITH HIM WHEN I HAD HIM. I used to hide most of the problems from family and friends and instead internalized them, but since the breakup I've been sharing with everyone, and everyone tells me HOW LUCKY I AM TO HAVE HIM OUT OF MY LIFE.

 

You see, on paper I am more successful than him. I make double his salary and I have a Masters Degree while he has a Bachelor's. Add that to abandonment issues he had from growing up (mom walked out on the family when he was a kid) and it is a recipe for disaster. I think he felt threatened with ANY source of happiness in my life that was not derived from him.

 

*When I first got my job, he had issues with me going to lunch with my coworkers because they were guys. He also didn't want me to go to my holiday party. The party was during the day and so we couldnt bring a guest, and if we didn't attend, we had to show up at work instead. He implied that he woould rather me go to work than go somewhere with all guys.

 

*We flew to another state to attend the wedding of one of his best friends. After the reception, the bride and groom and a bunch of others went out to karaoke, but my bf and I went back to the hotel room because the group consisted mostly of guys and I was the "prettiest girl there" so "why would he want to go somewhere where all the other guys were hitting on me?"

 

*He didn't like me maintaining a friendship with any of my guy friends.

 

*He thought I had a crush on his best friend. Once he actually forcably moved my face away because he thought I was staring at him. He also didn't like when his best friend contacted me.

 

*He didn't like it when I wore tight shirts, tight pants, tank tops, or short skirts. He never told me not to, but his comments were enough to make me think twice about my wardrobe. One time, we were in an airport, and I was wearing a wife-beater tank top and he asked "Aren't you cold?" I knew he meant "Don't you want to cover up?" and I said "No." Then I asked if he wanted to go get food because I knew he was cranky and he replied quite loudly "I don't want to go anywhere with everyone staring at your tits!" I was mortified.

 

*I told him that I chatted with an old guy acquaintance at the gym, and the next time I went to the gym he asked "Did anyone bug you at the gym today?" Mental Manipulation. I had never said that the friend had "bugged" me.

 

*Any time he saw me talking to a guy. he said I was flirting. We went to Disneyland fro New Years together and I was asking the high school kid who worked there if they were going to have fireworks at night and my boyfriend got mad because "I was playing with my hair and flirting" while talking to him.

 

*He would throw a fit if I ever tried to go to a club with my friends (which only happened 3 or 4 times a year). The funny thing was, he would go and hang out with his friends (not to clubs, but sometimes to bars) without me, but would rather I stayed home alone on a Saturday night than go with my friends. One of the times I did go, he went straight to the outfit that I had worn (which I had thrown on the chair to change into pj's) and said "You had to go and wear your tightest shirt" in disgust.

 

*This past Halloween, I told him I wanted to go to West Hollywood, and he said "Oh, you want to go slut it up?"

 

These behaviors ARE NOT NORMAL right?!?!?! There are many more stories like the above. I wanted to be the perfect girlfriend, so I changed alot in order to avoid these hurtful comments, but I got very depressed and constantly resented him. The thing is, I am the most non-slutty, trustworthy, girl there is! BUT, I think he just doesn't trust and respect girls in general. He has cheated on all his past girlfriends, he made a comment once when we first started dating that he is terrified of getting hurt so he will hurt them before they can hurt him. About 3 months before he dumped me, I broke up with him for about 30 minutes (it was more of a threat than anything) because of his jealousy and hurtful behavior. This is right about the point where he changed with me - got more distant, stopped being jealous, stopped caring in general. I think he realized it was his time to cut and run.

 

So right now, I am really worried for myself. If I can't recognize that all of the above are signs to turn around and run the other way, then am I am scared that I will be doomed to make very unhealthy decisions for myself in life. WHY AM I STILL FANTASIZING ABOUT HIM COMING BACK?!?!? I think it is because it was my first bf and first love. I hope with time the logic will outweigh the emotions and I will realize that someone like him would have made me miserable in life!

 

Please, any comments on this would be appreciated. I am a smart girl, but in this seemngly cut and dry case, I need all of the reinforcement I can get.

 

P.S. On top of the jealousy, he constantly guilted me into paying for most things when we hung out. He felt since I made twice what he made and I lived at home, while he payed rent and let me sleep over 3-4 times a week, I "owed" him. This after I took him to Europe and payed for the ENTIRE TRIP!!! He still made me feel like I was stingy if I wanted to split dinner. Also, if I was hungry at his place, more than once he made me go buy food outside because he didn't want me eating his (since he felt its not fair that my mom buys me food and then I come over and eat his). I am such a sucker.

[Starlight Starbright]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t111981/

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

You should listen to your family and friends. He sounds incredibly controlling, manipulative, and emotionally unstable. Of course I could be wrong.

 

From your post it sounds like he has childhood issues to resolve, and I think most of us are not equipped to deal with these wounded souls. We're emotional creatures so give it some time be patient (easier said than done I know) and you'll be able to see things much clearer in the end.

[Starlight Starbright]

EVERYONE I know says the same thing - I am lucky to be free of him. Here's another one I forgot: I told him I wanted to start taking tennis lessons again, and he said "Oh, does that mean you're going to have to wear a tennis skirt?" GIVE ME A BREAK! He made it so that I was second guess EVERYTHING I did.

 

It sucks because when we first started dating, I was just out of grad school and starting a new job and so excited about life. He, on the other hand, was soo depressed and miserable, so I stuck with him and spent nights on end helping him figure out what he wanted to do with his life. I was his safety net. And since he was so depressed and insecure, he acted controlling and manipulative as I described above because he wanted to drag me down to his level. By the end of it, he was confident, secure, and happy and had everything figured out. I was the one depressed and miserable. I was also insecure because I sensed he was pulling away. He sucked all the life out of me (although I admit that I let him do it), and then do you BELIEVE he had the nerve to dump ME because he felt RESTRICTED and because I was always moody and never happy like I used to be?!?!?!?!?!

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

Well you fell in love with the person you imagined him to be. I was depressed through my last relationship, which just recently ended badly, and I took her forgranted, and was moody and irritable. I didn't realize I was depressed until I started seeing a therapist, but by then it was too late.

 

You can't make anyone change. The person has to want to change, he just used you for a number of reasons and in the end left you in his wake with a bruised ego and self-esteem. Look at it this way he has handed you the opportunity to go out and truly find someone that will appreciate you and add to your happiness. It is difficult to see at this moment b/c you're in the middle of the emotional struggle to let go, but once you let go, once you reach that point, you'll wonder why you felt the way you did.

 

I've been in LTRs before and know it gets better, the current LTR I'm taking hard b/c well of the way it ended and b/c she was my wife. Although not my first love, certainly she is the first great love of my life. Those are always hard to take, but it's not the end. Just cut ALL contact with him and post here to vent. This place is awesome.

[Trialbyfire]

As I read down your post, I wondered if he was past cheater or you had cheated on him, although my first guess was the former. He can only relate to what he's done in the past, thus, he judged you by his own inclinations and actions. In changing continuously to make him happy, you gave up too much of yourself and your needs. The guy was an emotional vampire.

 

Give yourself some time and you will start to feel the difference in your own personal energy level. Your family and friends are right. You are better off without him.

[Guest]

Thank you so much for the responses. Yes, I definitely think that he has inherent trust issues and I don't know if those can be resolved easily (if ever). By the end of the relationship, he admitted that he had started flirting with other girls and was even secretly texting a girl in the last few weeks before he broke up with me (but this was b/c he was already thinking of breaking up).

 

This girl did not know he had a girlfriend. He had once told me that his last girlfriend (who he had continuously cheated on throughout their 2 year relationship) never found out that he had cheated. She supposedly sucked, he called her his b*tch ex-gf, and I later found out from one of his friends that they suspected the only reason he stayed with her for so long was because she bought him stuff.

 

I was just so naive to think that it would be different with me (even though he respected me WAY more than that last girlfriend, it still wasn't enough). I've really learned that a pattern of bad past relationships should be a warning sign.

 

I do think I was in love with the person I imagined him to be. I was interested in him for a year before he was ready for a girlfriend, and when I finally "won" him, I felt like he was a prize that I would never want to give up. He was cute, funny, smart, witty - all excellent superficial qualities. It wasn't until a few months into the relationship when he fell in love with me that his true colors began to show.

 

While I was in the relationship, I definitely doubted whether I would be able to be with someone like him forever. I think that the part that hurt the most is that I never imagined HE would break up with ME. The hurt and rejection from this is what is fueling my depression.

 

He said that he still loved me when we broke up, but he feels like he has changed so much in the past 2 years that he is no longer the person that he was when we first started dating. I think a part of him is really trying to be more confident and secure, and I was the last remnant of his life that reminded him of his insecurities and lack of control.

 

We talked over IM last week and both admitted we miss eachother (although he reinforced that he does not regret his decision - to which I replied "I don't regret your decision either"). He said that he really wants to remain friends, he doesn't want me out of his life forever. He wants us to be really smart about our interactions right now because they will greatly affect any sort of relationship we can have in the future. I asked him if he saw me tomorrow would he be able to look at me as a friend and he said "Nope."

 

I asked if he found out if I had a boyfriend tomorrow would he be ok with that and he said "Nope." So he believes that we just need to take time apart (reduced to no contact) and it will make the missing each other get better. And then poof! We can be friends. I asked him "What if it doesn't get better?" and he replied "I think this conversation is headed into dangerous territory." Does anyone think this is realistic? I don't. At least from my end.

 

And from his end, it just seems like he is "willing" his feelings to go away because he is at a point in his life where he is feeling so confident (everyone tells me this is false confidence) and just wants to be unrestricted to explore this new-found confidence. Do you think he can "will" himself into friendship territory with me?

[Starlight Starbright]

that last post was from me, i had forgotten to logon

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

No I don't think he'll will himself into friendship territory. Friends don't treat each other this way anyways. He wants to keep you as a friend b/c he knows how you feel and thinks he can just come back whenever.

 

Once you've had time to think through this and started moving on you'll see you won't need him. Work on making yourself happy you deserve much better. It's only natural to feel the sting of rejection when dumped, but it goes away especially when you get to the anger part.

[CrossRhodes]

Wow Starlight, he really sounds awful. It sounds like he is desparately insecure - every one of the actions you described was aimed at controlling you, even his position on friendship. He's not even aware of his insecurity by the sounds of things, so that makes him something of a lost cause. I hate being strident about this, but you need to run, run, run the other way.

 

I understand that whole battle of emotions vs logic. I experience it every day and it perplexes me why I act against my best interests. If you want to heal properly from this experience, you'll need to work that out. You'll have your own needs or insecurities that attract you to this sort of person. It won't be all 100% his "fault". You will have your own baggage you need to come to terms with too.

 

He's not confident, no way on this green earth. For your own sanity, safety and emotional wellbeing, start NC. I know your emotions want him back but you will hurt yourself in the long run. There is no way to save this relationship until he confronts his problems, and you know that it isn't going to happen.

[boshemia]

That's the common cycle of abuse... I know I didn't see it either. Abuse isn't just physical, but many men who begin the way you described go on to be physically abusive eventually.

 

I've been maried to that guy twice now, and I kept thinking there was something wrong with me. I've been terrified that if I dared look at another relationship it would somehow magically end up that way again no matter how great the guy was.

 

I have a great counselor, well two of them actually. One for victims of rape and violence, and another for general life therapy. I'm starting to see the connections and learn healthy boundaries...

 

Boundaries are essential to any healthy relationship, and this guy really trampled on yours. Just beginning to learn some healthy boundaried for yourself and your life will go a long way. What are you responsible for, what is he responsible for and what to do if someone else crosses them is very empowering.

 

Good luck...

[Starlight Starbright]

He has a scar on his arm from punching threw a glass window during his last relationship. Apparently he got mad at his then-girlfriend and lost control. The only reason I didn't experience such behavior is because I wanted the relationship to work out so badly that I changed to accommodate all of this demands. And it made me so miserable. My sister and close friends all noticed how conservative and uptight I had become. Once, a guy I was hanging out with put is arm around my shoulders (in a totally friendly way) and I literally flinched. My best friend who was also there noticed and asked why I had freaked out for nothing. I said its because I knew my bf wouldnt like it (even though my bf wasnt even present at the time).

 

I have a good example of an instance where I actually let myself have fun and how he reacted. Now keep in mind, I barely got drunk throughout our relationship whereas he constantly did when we went out and I always drove. He also would get drunk with his friends when I wasnt around. Not a problem with me. He was a social drinker. I ended up going out for the West Hollywood costume parade for Halloween. He couldnt go because he had class that night. I got a bit drunk - not sloppy drunk, just happy drunk and I actually HAD FUN! He had to come pick me up (he lived only 5 minutes away) and he asked if I was drunk and I said "No!" I really believed I wasn't. I wasn't trying to lie to him. 10 minutes later I giddily admitted, "ok I'm a little drunk." When we got to bed, he didnt want me anywhere near him. He treated me like he was disgusted with me. He blamed it on the fact that I had initially lied to him about not being drunk. He was so pissed off he couldnt sleep. I fell alseep though, only to be awakened because he had kicked the mattress as he walked by. And then slammed the bedroom door. And then when he finally got to bed, he plopped down very inconsiderately so as to once again wake me up. It is one of the few times that I had actually let myself go out and have a good time. He just couldnt handle it. I found out later that he had gone through my digital camera to inspect all the pictures from that night, none of which were bad in any way.

 

A few times throughout the relationship, he admitted that he hated himself for not being able to control his jealousy. He also once admitted that he had been controlling with past girlfriends. I think deep down he knows he has a problem. But i had suggested couples therapy to him a few times and he had been completely against it. I think he will need LOTS of therapy in order to get to a good place.

 

I definitely need to work some things out for myself right now. I think I liked being with him because I needed to feel needed by him. No one has ever needed me before. And trust me, this guy was very needy. At least in the beginning. I sometimes felt like a mother-figure. But now all of a sudden he is Mr. Confident and Secure (yeah right) so I guess he doesn't need me around anymore. It hurts to feel so used. I don't even believe he really loved me. When you truly love someone, you want what's best for them. I think, deep down in a sick way, he preferred when I was the depressed girl that I had become towards the end of our relationship, because that was less threatening to him. He had more control that way.

 

It helps sooooo much to write all this out and vent. Every time I get more of it out, I feel better and better about finally being free from this guy. The responses on this forum have been very helpful! Today I feel better than I've felt all month!

 

I'm on day 6 of NC. I plan on making it last.

[Starlight Starbright]

He has a scar on his arm from punching threw a glass window during his last relationship. Apparently he got mad at his then-girlfriend and lost control. The only reason I didn't experience such behavior is because I wanted the relationship to work out so badly that I changed to accommodate all of this demands. And it made me so miserable. My sister and close friends all noticed how conservative and uptight I had become. Once, a guy I was hanging out with put is arm around my shoulders (in a totally friendly way) and I literally flinched. My best friend who was also there noticed and asked why I had freaked out for nothing. I said its because I knew my bf wouldnt like it (even though my bf wasnt even present at the time).

 

My closest friend once admitted to me that she felt I was in an abusive relationship. I didnt want to hear it. I ended up distancing myself from her and eventually not talking to her for a couple of months. I have since apologized.

 

I have a good example of an instance where I actually let myself have fun and how he reacted. Now keep in mind, I barely got drunk throughout our relationship whereas he constantly did when we went out and I always drove. He also would get drunk with his friends when I wasnt around. Not a problem with me. He was a social drinker. I ended up going out for the West Hollywood costume parade for Halloween (the one for which he had asked if I wanted to "slut it up"). He couldnt go because he had class that night. I got a bit drunk - not sloppy drunk, just happy drunk and I actually HAD FUN! He had to come pick me up and he asked if I was drunk and I said "No!" I really believed I wasn't. I wasn't trying to lie to him. 10 minutes later I giddily admitted, "ok I'm a little drunk." When we got to bed, he didnt want me anywhere near him. He treated me like he was disgusted with me. He blamed it on the fact that I had initially lied to him about not being drunk. He was so pissed off he couldnt sleep. I fell alseep though, only to be awakened because he had kicked the mattress as he walked by. And then slammed the bedroom door. And then when he finally got to bed, he plopped down very inconsiderately so as to once again wake me up. It is one of the few times that I had actually let myself go out and have a good time. He just couldnt handle it. I found out later that he had gone through my digital camera to inspect all the pictures from that night, none of which were bad in any way.

 

A few times throughout the relationship, he admitted that he hated himself for not being able to control his jealousy. He also once admitted that he had been controlling with past girlfriends. I think deep down he knows he has a problem. But i had suggested couples therapy to him a few times and he had been completely against it. I think he will need LOTS of therapy in order to get to a good place.

 

I definitely need to work some things out for myself right now. I think I liked being with him because I needed to feel needed by him. No one has ever needed me before. And trust me, this guy was very needy. At least in the beginning. I sometimes felt like a mother-figure. But now all of a sudden he is Mr. Confident and Secure (yeah right) so I guess he doesn't need me around anymore. It hurts to feel so used. I don't even believe he really loved me. When you truly love someone, you want what's best for them. I think, deep down in a sick way, he preferred when I was the depressed girl that I had become towards the end of our relationship, because that was less threatening to him. He had more control that way.

 

It helps sooooo much to write all this out and vent. Every time I get more of it out, I feel better and better about finally being free from this guy. The responses on this forum have been very helpful! Today I feel better than I've felt all month!

 

I'm on day 6 of NC. I plan on making it last.

[Starlight Starbright]

Boshemia,

 

If you don't mind my prying, I have some questions for you.

 

You said that you were married to this type of person twice. I'm not sure if it was the same person twice, or two different men who were both abusive.

 

Was your experience similar to mine with the emotional abuse? Did your husband(s) only start behaving abusively after you were married, or did the abuse take place even before marriage? Did it start out as emotional abuse and then lead to violence?

 

If you don't feel comfortable answering all of these questions, I understand .

[Heartache11]

He has a scar on his arm from punching threw a glass window during his last relationship.

 

 

You have no idea how shocked I was when I read that. I felt like I was reading my own story. My ex did the same thing and has the scar to prove it. We dated for two years, he was also my first love, but I'm 20. He doesn't have jealousy issues, but is overall emotionally abusive.

 

What we both need to realize is that these guys did us a huge favor by breaking up with us. Now we can go on and meet a new person who treat us right and cares about how we feel. And as much as we miss our ex's and get sad, it's not because of who they are, it's because we miss that comfort. Stay strong girl!