s . . . I am so broken-hearted

[Guest]

My boyfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago. Here is some background:

 

I chased him for about a year before we went out, he had just gotten out of his last relationship, and just wanted to be single. When he's single, I know he sleeps around alot (which makes the breakup especially hard). It took him a year before he finally decided to date me. He knew I had liked him all along, but ironically, it was when I finally became ambivalent about it that I snagged him.

 

He was my first love, but he has had other girlfriends and been in love before, although he always told me that it was very different with me. I was the only one he truly considered spending the rest of his life with. We are both 26 (24 when we started dating). We were very much in love and planned for the future together.

 

Now about our relationship: in the very beginning he was a bit aloof. After 2 months of dating, he had to go out of the country for 3 weeks, being apart from me made him realize how much he loved me.

 

Once he fell in love, he was all in. He was pretty insecure about himself then. I never understood why, since he is very attractive. I think it ws because I earned more than him and had a masters degree. This insecurity manifested itself in jealousy. Since it was my first boyfriend, I didnt know how to deal with the jealousy, and I changed myself to accomodate him. This made me depressed. On my part, not only was I depressed because of his jealoousy, but I also hated my job and I had a thyroid problem. So I was VERY moody with him and took him for granted. I was no longer the fun girl he fell in love with. Plus, after about 6 months of great sex at the beginning of the relationship, I just didnt want to anymore. My lack of sex drive was due to my thyroid problems and he knew that and was very patient about it.

 

The thing is, overall when we were together we always loved eachother's company (except for when I was in one of my bad moods towards the end). We were sooo compatible. I overlooked his jealousy (which he worked at improving) because I've never enjoyed being around anyone more in my life. But I know that a lack of sex for almost a year can definitely drive a wedge in any relationship.

 

So fast forward to the present. In the last 3 months of our relationship things changed. He moved into a really nice "bachelor pad" with his best friend whereas before he was living with random roommates. Our sex life still wasnt great, although my thyroid situation was improving. He started going out with his best friend and stopped inviting me whereas in the past he woould have. Now I know that a guy should be able to hang out with his guy friends alone, but I dont get it when their hanging out consists of going to parties and bars. So the tables flipped and I became the insecure one. I would call him crying about how I was all alone, had no friends, and didnt understand why he wouldnt invited me out.

 

So finally he broke up with me. The first time he broke up with me I was SO shocked I cried and pleaded and managed to keep him around for a week longer. I told him that he hadn't even tried to work things out. he said its because he hadnt wanted to. But we all know that you CAN'T beg a guy to be in a relationship. So one week later he did it again, and this time I accepted it and let him go. We were both SOBBING. The only good thing is that within that last week, I showed him that sex between us could be good again.

 

So here are some of the different things he said to me while breaking up:

 

*He had started flirting with girls and checking out girls and it wasnt fair to me

 

*He said that he still loves me, but is at a point in his life where he finally feels confident and focused (I helped him get his confidence and focus back by the way, I was his support through the rough times) and just wants to be a "single man on a mountain"

 

*I asked him if he was still in love with me with and he said "what difference does it make?" and I said "it makes a difference" so he sobbed "I still ***in love you ok"

 

*He said that I had been needy towards the end and he just wanted me to be happy again

 

*He said his feelings had changed and he no longer got excited to hang out with me

 

*He was still very attracted to me

 

*He didnt want me out of his life forever

 

*I told him if we are meant to be together, then we will eventually be together and he started sobbing at hearing this too

 

Then within a week of breaking up, I was already talking to his friend about how sad I was (which I'm sure his friend was telling him), and I sent a couple of sad emails to my ex. He replied by saying he wanted to be very smart about our interactions right now because that could affect any sort of relationship we could have in the future. Then I payed him a surprise visit, not beggy or whiny, just for some more closure. During this visit, he said he felt he had made the right decision. I asked him if I was "the one". At first he said "No", then he said he didnt know. he also said that he was sad for the first 2 days after the breakup, and then he got excited to focus on himself. We agreed no more contact until this weekend (tomorrow) which is his birthday. he said then we will talk and see how I am doing. I am not going to call, but if he does I will tell him I am doing fine now and I am glad we can be friends. Then I am going to basically going to do NC to wait and see if he regrets his decision, while at the same time working on myself to be able to be happy in my life again (with or without him).

 

So basically, does it sound like he left the door open for us for the future? I know that initially the dumper feels like the made the right decision. Its only been a week, and he knows that if he wanted to get back with me tomorrow, he still probably can. How long do you think before the doubt/regret settles in, if it ever will?

 

If a guy is reading this, how long before the novelty of being single again wears off and you might start missing your ex (given that you still love them, and given that they are no longer constantly trying to contact you). He needed to miss be by being out of the country to realize how much he loved me. Do you think that there is hope, given that I do not contact him and let him be?

 

I am having soooo much anxiety over this. I am in sooo much pain. First love heartbreak. I feel like the world is going to end. And it sucks because I KNOW he is just going out every night partying and having the time of his life.

[notmakingsense]

He still sounds like an insecure person that is latching on to the little bit of control he has in this situation (being a dumper) and using the ego trip of you wanting him back to fuel his sense of confidence.

 

I would move on. Why would you want someone who doesn't have the ability to be loyal/stable through tough times?

 

This is your first love/heartbreak -- there will be many more. Use this experience to help you understand better who the right type of man is for you. In the mean-time, do things that make you feel good. Hang out with friends and family, work-out and look hot, have a little fun with casual dating yourself.

 

It hurts tremendously now, but you will get over this in time. Don't let contact with him drag you back to square one. Even if you still want him back -- the best chance you have is if he starts to believe that you do have the ability to move on without him. It is hard to fake this -- so work at it for real.

[the_total_package]

but please try to focus on moving on and not getting back together. He has broken up with you before.

When you call him and visit him unexpectedly and you are asking him questions how he feels, he is going to tell you things that are vague and that might read that you MIGHT get back together so you don't have a breakdown over the phone. He is not intentionally leading you on, it's just that he doesn't want an emotional scene with you over the phone or in person. If he tells you "No, I don't ever see us getting back together" that would cause an emotional scene.

 

Please, the best thing you can do is NC for yourself, not as a strategy to try and get him back. It sounds like since the breakup you are the one who has been seeking him out,he hasn't initiated contact.

It sounds like he really just DOES just want the breakup.

 

NC NC NC NC

yes he was your first love and it hurts but please face the reality that he is not good for you. It sounds like once you were strong, but it didn't last.