Well it happened.. the ex made her move...

[fireflywy]

This weekend...

 

I was out at a bar dancing with an extremely attractive ex of mine when my ex walked into the bar with a friend of hers. We both knew about the presence of each other but were never close enough to make contact.

 

I went out and danced several dances with my friend (who was acting very wild with the hip hop songs) and about an hour later I feel this tap on my shoulder. I turn around and the ex smiles at me and say "Hey there, how are you?"

 

I look at her, and said, "I'm doing great, how are you?"

 

Ex. "Good"

 

Me, "Hey, I've got a request for you, follow me, its loud down here by the dance floor"

 

Ex, smiles, "A request, ha ha, okay..." and she follows me.

 

We get to the top of some stair and I look at her in the eyes and say "I'm going to get my knee operated on next week and as you know operations can be kind of tricky...."

 

Ex, looks at me, and says "um hmm"...

 

I continue still looking into her eyes.. "and since they're tricky I have one request for you..."

 

She looks at me, and I say "I want you to make that nerdy noise you used to make. " (inside joke).

 

She laughed at me and shook her head and said "No (laughing) I only do that for my daughter." (we both laugh and I plead for to do it jokingly).

 

At this point, her eyes start to wander around the dance floor as if she's scanning the crowd,,, then she says..

 

"My daughter was driving with me the other day and said 'Mom, why did you dump firefly?. Can you believe she used the word dump?"

 

I responded, "did you tell her because I was an *******?" (laughing). (you'd have to read my story, she blamed everything on me unfairly). *** I told my mother that one and my mother kind of laughed. She said that was a little bit of a cut to her, of course I didn't realize that******

 

Ex, looked away and was silent as she continued to scan.

 

Me. "Kids are funny. By the way, how is your daughter doing? Is she all excited for school?"

 

Ex. "Oh yeah, she's joined Girl Scouts and gymnastics. I changed my schedule a bit so she could do more of that."

 

Me "Yeah. She's certainly something. She's going to be famous one day."

 

Ex "Welll, I don't know about famous. Maybe she'll cure cancer or something..."

 

Me "Or invent a bionic knee for me" laughing..."Yeah, she's going to be something special....by the way, I've still got that little purple piece of paper she wrote to me, I carry it around in my wallet.."

 

The ex, turned to me, smiled, and said "Really?"

 

I smiled and said "Yeap."

 

Quiet for a moment... and then I say "So how have things been.."

 

Ex. "Pretty good. and you?"

 

Me "Oh it's been okay. When I decided to get this knee fixed they did a whole series of tests. At one point they did a bone scan because they thought I might have had cancer, that was a little scary. " (me laughing) "I think that between all the mris, bone scans, and xrays, that I'm probably sterile by now"..

 

She laughed at me (still scanning and I also started doing the same) and she said "Oh I doubt that." (smile) "You mean that all the weight you lost didn't help? ***********now when I dated her I had lost 35 pounds, since we broke up.. I've lost 15 more so I don't know if she was trying to hint at a compliment********

 

Me "Naw, its a knee cap problem. The weight didn't help"

 

Me. "Well, I took up salsa dancing, I even went skydiving"

 

Ex "Skydiving? Did you have a death wish? What made you decide to do that?" (I think she was fishing)

 

Me.. "Welll....... lets just say that I had a lot on my mind. Salsa dancing is fun though..."

 

She started moving her hips "Have you learned to move your hips?"

 

Me. "I'm not that great at it yet. The girls I know said that I've been getting better though." (laugh)

 

Silence...

 

Ex "Well I better go, the girl I came with had to go home because of the baby. I don't have a ride so I'm having a neighbor take me home (the neighbor was guy)" **** st the time I didn't even think she was digging.. it was only AFTER she left that I realized that maybe that was what she was doing******

 

I say "Yeah, I better get back to my friend. She's my dancing buddy tonight."

 

The ex then walks off... and I walk off to my friend and immediately another song comes up and she and I go dancing.... Five minutes later I see the ex leave....

 

Now... was she testing the waters? Was she trying to see if I would take her home? Did she think I had moved on? (of course I haven't) If she was trying to test the waters and see if I would take her home, did do good by not taking the bait?

[everlong]

not to sound harsh

but

gawd...that's how i imagine it would be if i ever see x again

stilted and forced

and me scratching my head

like lauren and hardy

thinking

who was that person

that ended

a story

held together

as if

we ever

talked or

had a conversation

that remotely

would be like that

see its really is

an example

of ghosts and strangers now

not kate and jim

before erasing

and the proof is

in the ending

still playing tests

and games

 

compare that

with how i would

place things

and please no-one

have sorrow

because the bridge

the gap

and outline

is like

two people

never ever

crossed over

and shared

something that registered

and was strong enuff

to register

as a memory

of ourt communication

 

I thought

That Love is

Like water

Raining down on you

I thought

that your eyes

Like big sky

And we could

Be wind and

Climb over

Over mountains

Down under

Get us far away from here

It shouldn’t

Surprise you

That here we are

Like dimestore diamonds

Passed over

I thought

Love was

Fields

not so empty

Like that scrapbook

Unfinished

You always said goodbye

and I said Hello

[Jodie]

Firefly,

 

First off let me tell you this women had no idea what she had, from all that I have read you are pretty amazing. Your x does not deserve to have you. I went back and read your posts and it seems to me she is the one with control problems to the point that she will rage over it. I think that you should move on and find a women that will love an honor you because your x didn't, it's in her words and her actions, she wants somebody to dump on.

 

I wish you all the best and stand tall and be proud that you are a good man even if your x won't acknowlege it.

[Confuggled_one]

WOW.. seems like she really wanted to be with you and was just findin an excuse to stay longer.. and i bet she wanted you to take her home that night.. and im pretty sure she realized what she lost.. did she ever contact you after that?

[everlong]

Let’s trust talk - its the new pollution

[the new cd single]

 

I know sometimes days

Are better than others

We couldn’t not have picked

A better day

So why did one thought

Spin like crazy

Push and pull everything

In its way

 

So Let’s Trust Talk

To Get Us From Underground

Lead Us To

An Empty Glass

She Told Me

About Confidence And Nightmares

I Told Her Everything Was Alright

Then It Felt Like

Ice Was Finally Broken

We couldn’t not have picked

A better day

 

Better than ever

That’s when We felt

We wouldn’t try to steal

Didn’t just let it

Get in the way

Like others blocked it

Couldn’t have made it

Without you[

Couldn’t have possibly

Picked the road right

Any way you slice it

This is a better

Then watching her walk

Way better Inside Outside

From underneath

Her own wings

Lift against the sky

This time things

Didn’t happen so heavy

She had his back,

He lifted and opened

Honesty, and Rain clouds

All of certain colours

And silence that charmed us

Wondering might have

Finally told us

Something new

So tell me how is it

We both

found a way

[fireflywy]

WOW.. seems like she really wanted to be with you and was just findin an excuse to stay longer.. and i bet she wanted you to take her home that night.. and im pretty sure she realized what she lost.. did she ever contact you after that?

 

Maybe you should do a search on my posts?

 

You think she wanted to be with me? (you're messing right?)

 

No she didn't contact me after that. It was on Friday. I have this suspicion that she probably thinks the next move is mine. I don't think it is...

 

Jodie, thank you for the post. If you look at my first long post, the one titled "guest" was also me. I can't believe you read all of that. lol

[SurvivingHB]

Leave this question unanswered. You will never be able to guess what she is thinking. It might be very complicated as well. She might be thinking about the good times she had with you, but she does not really want to be with you. She might be lonely and wish to have someone to hold her and comfort her, but what's after that?

 

Just look at it as a good conversation with an old friend and don't think too much into it. We owe our brains a good rest.

[fireflywy]

I was thinking about sending her an email that said..

 

Hey ******

I just wanted to say that it was great seeing you and about the other night. Thank you for saying hello and for the pleasant conversation. Don't be too much of a stranger!

 

Cheers,

M

 

P.S. In a couple of months, after my knee is better, and if you see me out and about and up for it, ask me for a dance.

[Confuggled_one]

Hey thar ,

 

i thought you said she wanted you to make the first move.. and i did not read your earlier post so i dont know the whole pix. but i think she is playin hard to get now.. maybe let her make the first move again

[fireflywy]

Actually, I'm still thinking. I think that maybe Jodie is right. I have to remember the struggle of the relationship and so far she has given me no sign that I'm worth it or that things (on her end) are worth working through in relation to us. (she's working on it, don't get me wrong, but that doesn't necessarily translate into us).

 

I think I'll leave it alone. I was friendly, to her that night, I wasn't angry, I smiled, I pulled her aside, I tried to joke, etc. If she really wanted me, then she'd pull harder and come right out and talk to me.

 

I think I'll leave it alone but I was so clsoe to writing her just now with a "what the hell?" attitude.

[Jodie]

Firefly,

 

Please tell me what the bond is with this women. Tell me the good things that she did to honor you?

 

 

Jodie

[fireflywy]

not quite sure I follow you.. but let me think (these are just my perceptions, maybe they're wrong).

 

She trusted me into her home, let me experience part of her life with her daughter (short as it could be)

 

She said she appreciated my humility and she said that I was a good person. (of course I already know that, but after her stories about bad men, at least as she tells me, it made me feel good and made me feel like I made a difference. Everyone likes to think of themselves as a hero sometimes right? I guess part of me thinks, that maybe deep down inside she knows that out of all the people she's been with, that I could be the one she could talk to and be honest with. Of course I don't know.

 

She opened up to me about her past, placed trust in me.

 

She was physically welcoming (lol.. that may sound bad, and to be honest, I think I was physically addicted to her because she was very very attractive. Maybe that's why I let things happen for so long because it was an ego boost for me).

 

Now my mother, who is as wise and as sly as fox, tells me "You think she doesn't do that for every guy she meets? You think she doesn't tell them her story and opens up to them? That's how she gets attention!"

 

I guess I don't want to believe that deep down. I don't really want to believe that there is someone out there (who I know is in a lot of pain and trying to understand herself) who can just go through men and use them. I guess one part of me thinks that if she is, the fact that she's seeing a therapist says that she's trying to change her ways but hasn't found the right guy to ride out the storm with her. I guess I wanted to be that guy and I hoped that she could see it and as such find more in me. But, I guess it doesn't work that way. Someone either loves you for you or they don't.

 

That's a short list isn't it. lol.

[johnnytable]

Fireflywy,

 

The next move IS yours. It has nothing to do with her. It has to do with deciding that you are going to move on. I don't know your history, but there are a lot of women out there who use men... so believe it.

 

Do you have your "full story" posted someplace else? Did this woman pull you in as her savior and then toss you away?

 

JT

[fireflywy]

Sure, warning, if you read all of it, your eyes will probably bleed.

 

I do want to say this though. For the most part, I'm doing really really well. I've gone out, had fun, travelled, skydived, salsa danced, etc. I'm NO WHERE near where I was in the beginning. I think the only reason I feel it now is because I always had that small hidden part of me, (that maybe I didn't even realize) that had hope that she would come back. That's the confusing part is all.

 

Is she back?

 

Of course, I should just walk on. I think I'm getting there. It's been slow in coming and I guess this little encounter with her is the defining point for me. Do I take the moment that I hoped would open the door again (the other night) and try, or do I move on? If you read my posts, I tried to put so much into the past relationship. I guess maybe that's why it is so hard not be drawn back, it was like an investment of myself, and like any investment you want to see it suceed. *shrug*

 

It's looking like the later.

 

(the last link was the last thing I wrote to her, other than that we've seen eachother a couple of times and said hello in passing)

 

[COLOR=#660000]http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=845484&postcount=107[/COLOR]

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[COLOR=#660000][/COLOR][COLOR=#660000]http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=845532&postcount=108[/COLOR]

[COLOR=#660000][/COLOR]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=845984&postcount=118

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=846015&postcount=119

 

[COLOR=#660000]http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=846024&postcount=120[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=#660000]http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=90572&page=9&highlight=fireflywy[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=#660000]http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t95099/?highlight=fireflywy [/COLOR]

[COLOR=#660000][/COLOR]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t97864/?highlight=fireflywy

[COLOR=#660000][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#660000][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#660000][/COLOR]

 

I also posted here... because I thought maybe that is the kind of person I dealt with?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t99085/

[johnnytable]

Its funny that you mention the BPD link because that's what I was wondering about, but I haven't had enough time to read your story. Regardless you should go to the link that I posted in that thread (http://www.bpdcentral.com/nookboard) and do some reading and discovery for yourself.

 

You can't diagnosis her, but you can look at her actions and compare them to others. If it seems like BPD, then the right thing to do will become obvious.

 

I know what you mean about investing in a relationship, but think of it this way: The longer you "invest" in this past relationship, the less you can "invest" in a future and loving relationship. The less you can invest in yourself. You are putting your money into an investment with -100% return. Think about your future and what you want. Don't pine after somebody because you have already "invested" so much into them. I have fallen into this trap before and it doesn't make sense.

[bendit]

She probably has BPD. And you have to go NC with her.

You can't ever have contact with her again. She is TOXIC

and she will bring you down into HELL if you stay in contact with her. Please listen carefully. PM me or JohnnyTable. This is serious serious business.

 

regards

[johnnytable]

Fireflywy, please enable the ability to receive PMs. I have something to send you.

[fireflywy]

Don't know if I can do the PM settings or messages?

 

if you have a myspace my addy is www.myspace.com/fireflywyo

 

Oh and as for the BPD thing, I only posted there. I'm not sure that's what she is. I was just posting because the guy had a hard time thinking about her with someone else. *shrug*

[Jodie]

Firefly,

 

I agree with bendit, she is toxic, I think that she goes to therapy to justify her actions. She is not a nice women, she rages over nothing, nothing. You ruin her birthday, I would like to know how. I read all of your posts and you have done nothing but honor and show her respect. I think she likes to dump on people and she did a real good job with dumping on you. Your not the first and you will not be the last.

 

P.S. YOU CAN'T FIX HER. Even if you love her.

[fireflywy]

I went to the forums that people suggested I go to regarding BPD. I can't say for sure that she has it but after looking over some of the information in more detail, I think she certainly has aspects of it.

 

If someone has BPD, do those who enter their lives just forget them and run away? Are these human beings... these people....not worth some sort of compassion? I've read that the first step to dealing with anything is to recognize that she has a problem, obviously since she's in therapy she realizes this first step.

 

I certainly never knew all the possible things that someone with BPD had and therefore I wasn't able to disassociate myself from the conflicts and put them into their proper context. And for her, do you think it's possible that she was frustrated with people who don't understand and tried to keep it under wraps? Is it possible to work on things now that I'm aware of this? Or do I just run and throw someone away who I know is trying? (and I certainly believe that there were times when she did try and empathize on certain things)

 

For all I know, her therapist may not even be aware of the BPD as I've read it's hard to diagnose.

 

I have no idea. I'd hate to just walk away from someone when I might be able to make a difference.... (not saying I'm going to stay either)

 

By the way, I'm just getting my thoughts out there... don't think I'm not listening.

[Jodie]

Firefly,

 

You can love her all you want it doesn't mean she will love you and it doesn't mean it will fix her problems. I think she will use your love for her against you. You will end up in an emotionally abusive relationship with her. I sorry but I think you should run.

 

Your good man. Find someone would will give you the same in return because she won't.

[bendit]

I read your story. You were subject to almost constant verbal abuse and RAGING almost from day one. Don't call it BPD if you don't want to but the behaviors are incredibly hurtful.

 

Yet somehow, all this misery doesn't quite register that way to you. Someone on the outside looking in, however, would see this and and say why do you put up with it? She was horrible to you. Yet you still want to be "there" for her. You have her up on this impossibly high pedestal. No. You can NOT fix her. It is not your responsibility. Only she can work on herself. And its best if they do it alone. You can't be the "white knight". You have this incredible need to "save" but you can't save her. Nothing you can do will make her better.

 

You do not have much time invested here. Its best for you to understand this for what it is and move on and learn from this. Learn about why you are so drawn to needy unavailable women.

 

You have to really start examining why it is you see such an abusive IN-tolerable situation as "normal". You deserve someone (we all do) who does not abuse you, rage at you, devalue you, make you have to prove your love over and over.

 

This is not what a happy loving relationship is about. I would investigate a total No Contact strategy because I have a feeling you haven't heard the last of her.

 

She will toy with you. When she needs a boost she will ring your number and you will comply. I have seen YOUR movie many many times. It doesn't have a happy ending.

 

regards

[fireflywy]

Thanks everyone.

 

To be honest, I don't think I'm attracted to needy and unavailable women. This was probably the first time that it has happened to me. I guess I just got so drawn in by everything, her story, her beauty, etc that I ended up falling into the "White Knight" role. I don't think our relationship was normal when I look back on it. (now I know without doubt that it wasn't) .

 

If the greatest amount of compassion I can show to her is to leave her alone and let her work through it herself (which is sad because I know she'll fall into the same pattern with someone else) then I will do so. I'll also show myself that same compassion and move onto something better.

 

In the end, it's painful as hell to see someone you care about in such a state. As human beings, we're wired to want to be there to help, care, and nuture those things we put our love into. All I could ever wish is that she find some peace and happiness given her past and what I know about her. It's sad that she may not ever have it because of what's being played out in her mind. Very sad.....

 

Walking away is hard but I guess it's what I'll do

[johnnytable]

Fireflywy,

 

You are doing the right thing by walking away, both for yourself and for her. If you stayed you would continue to be used and sucked in. Her beauty, her story, and her neediness is hooking you. It is messing with your head. I know how alluring it can be. There is a difference between deciding to walk away and actually doing it. Just like there is a difference between deciding to stop smoking and actually quitting. You need to take action within yourself to walk away.

 

I know it is sad that she experiences what she does. It would be just as sad for *you* to experience *her*. Think about this. She probably has a bad past. Bad things happened to her. This sucks. If you stayed around her, *you* would also have a bad past. Bad things would happen to *you*. This would suck too. But fortunately, you have control over this.

 

Do you want a good past or a bad past? Do you want to be in her position someday? Do you want to be destroyed by somebody who is unhealthy, just like how she was probably destroyed in her past? If this is not what you want, then don't even think about going there. Think about going full NC. I'm not talking about the wishy washy NC that people often do (ie they don't call but they return calls and listen to messages). I'm talking about NO CONTACT whatsoever.

 

We are here for you.

 

JohnnyTable

[johnnytable]

P.S. Would you care so much if she was not beautiful on the outside?