Ex and I are currently NC, appreciate insight-game plan to move forward

Hello all,

First off, you all are an amazing supportive group of people. You all are an incredible group of supportive people who really care about each other and I applaud you all for your concerted effort on this forum to be a light on a dark path, and shoulder to lean on.

To begin with, I met my ex last year in Dallas, TX. I had an early morning meeting. Unknown to me she had been stalking (in a cute way) me for some time. We ended up seeing each other two days later for coffee after work which then turned into dinner. Several weeks later we were dating and we hit it off immediately! It was amazing for the first 3-4 months. However, I had to move to Arlington, VA to go to school. I remember things started to get difficult around the time I moved. While we saw each other every other week each month, we had our bouts of arguments and fights. There were two occasions where I left Dallas after spending the weekend and because we had gotten into a fight, I walked straight to my gate without saying goodbye or hugging her, then I would not talk to her for a few days after landing in Virginia. But then there were times when we saw each other it was so difficult to say goodbye and we were crying at the gate, kissing tears from each other faces. It was so bad that we booked a flight the next weekend.

She is a very particular person, to her things have to be a certain way, little things are red flags, and if they don't line up or make sense to her, she feels there is something more. She is very transparent and she knows herself very well. When we first met she told me she had herpes right away, and as a health care provider I said I am interested in her because of who she is, not because of what she has - I accepted her completely and it made her cry with joy. I was not an angel throughout this process while we were dating. I am also very particular, and she describes me as controlling, emotionally immature (I don't express my emotions clearly), she says I don't answer her questions completely (eg: I told her I changed my name when I was a teenager, but I wasn't prepared to tell her what it was because I had made a promise to myself never to repeat it. Finally, I told her what my name was, but I didn't tell her that my brother changed his name, and my mom and dad changed their last name as well). She also says that everything feels like is has to be a battle with me, that I have issues with secrecy (she can't stand secrets), that I don't validate her feelings (several times I failed to just say, "Hey, I understand how you feel", or attempt to see things from her perspective), and I shut her out (by not talking or shutting down), she also says that I have issues with anger (there was an instance where my mentor called my cell phone, and I said I had to take this call, and somehow it got into an argument where I had to take the stance that it's my phone, and I have the right to take a call when I need to take a call especially if it's from someone I think is important, and she needs to respect that), and finally she says that I have immature communication skills. We ended up taking a break in mid January. During that time, I was working on me, learning skills to address some areas of my life that I saw was falling apart. I also saw some deficits in areas which she did not point out and I attempted to address those as well. For two months February and March, things were very tense between us, we would argue over the phone, but when I would go see her we would have a great time together and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. One of our fights was over me watching a females colleague/friend (she's 45 years old) dogs while she was away in alaska with her boyfriend, and she got jealous. She said that because we had an argument about me meeting this individual in the summer (I all of a sudden dropped her name that we hang out - even though I hang out with guys too) I should have known that my ex would have a problem with it, and should have taken her feelings into consideration and declined to help her with her pets. She says that this demonstrates that I don't have the capacity to take her feelings into consideration and make judgements that place her feelings as a priority.

She ended up breaking up with me on April 2nd over an email that I sent her that said "are you still coming to DC next weekend? I spent a lot of time planning events and my friends (which were mutual friends of hers) want to hang out." She emailed me back saying that she doesn't want to be "cornered in to coming or forced to behave a certain way around my friends". I wrote back and told her that "I'm not trying to force her to act a certain way, I only intend for her to come to DC and have a great time with the events I planned and hang out." I then added at the end that she's making things more difficult than they have to be, and if she would just see that things can be so much easier. She went absolutely nuts and said that's it - we are breaking up it's over. I need to get my stuff out of her place etc.

I literally played it cool and said ok, your reaction seems a bit excessive for what I wrote. She said that was the last straw - that we are not compatible, that I don't understand when to not push the issue and just let things happen and just relax.

She decides she's coming to DC but she said she does not want to see me or hangout because she has other plans and that I should just pick up my stuff at her hotel. She packs my things into a suitcase and brings it - at the airport it would have cost me $85 to check the suitcase, she ends up shuffling things around to bring it under weight so I would only have to pay $25 (i thought that was thoughtful). When she gets here, she takes a cab to the hotel and calls me the next day to meet for dinner. We go out and eat and drink and have a great time. I was attending a conference so I was wearing a suit and she was not dressed at all like how she usually dresses. Which surprised me, and I could tell that she was nervous but putting on a good facade to try and hide it. The waitress was absolutely gorgeous and she was flirting with me - which my ex ignored.

She asked me to take her to Ben's Chilli bowl for a hotdog to eat at her place later and she buys one for me and says we can eat it later at her hotel. I am of the full intention I was going to pick up my stuff and leave and I even said thats what I wanted to do, and she kept pushing the issue that she said it's fine to stay and chat a while.

Long story short, I end up sleeping there the night at the far side of the bed. In the morning I pack up my stuff, give her some things I had of hers and a card (which she didn't want to read because she would cry - I told her its not about our relationship but about supporting her and understanding her - which I failed to do at times - she ended up reading it later and said it was sweet), told her that I won't be contacting her. We talk a little more about her feelings, I acknowledge them - I'm pretty much saying all the right things and hitting all the main notes and being really relaxed. She bawling in front of me, and I'm supporting her feelings but restricting my emotions. Finally, I gather my things, hug her and leave. Little did I know but she was actually watching me from her room as i loaded my car and drove away Saturday morning.

At this point I think I am never going to see her again. So I was surprised to get a text that said if I wanted to meet for dinner. I of course said yes, and we go to our favorite spot - the manager there I got to know real well because I took a couple of friends there on several occasions. The manager basically comes over and start chatting it up with me (she's a female) and my ex is surprised that I know her and asks about how I know her - I explain the story and that was the end of that - but it was just random that this was the second time that a female host was chatting it up with me.

We end up having drinks and I get back to her hotel and she wants me to stay. I'm lying on her bed and she is literally right in front of me - she moves closer to me, I hold her face in my palm and we end up kissing. It got hot and steamy very fast and one thing led to another. We end up just laying there together afterwards and shes saying that should not have happened, that we aren't even together and I agreed. I forget what I actually said, but I was shocked it happened. We ended up falling asleep in each others arms, literally she would take my arms and wrap them around her real tight throughout the entire night. The next morning, it happened again, and she was like I can't believe I did it again. It's because I know how you feel when we are together and I miss it a lot. She said she really liked last night me holding her so close in the night. We end up talking in the morning and she tells me that when we are together than things are fine, and she didnt believe me when I said to her that long distance will be difficult but now she sees that it does make a difference.

We end up going around to various museums in the afternoon and I drop her off to meet up with her cousins. She says that she will take a cab to go back to the airport. I tell her I can take her, but she says it's ok, it will be too hard to say goodbye.

Anyway, she calls me an hour later and ask to pick her up. She bought me some peeps (the candy) while she with her cousins - again very thoughtful. We go to her hotel and check her out. We then go to the cherry blossom festival and walk around and take pictures together on her new camera, and then she asks me to take her to the airport.

I was actually pretty cool. I didn't cry and she was close to crying i could see it in her eyes and she ended up texting me about it. We end up kissing very passionately and I turn to walk away and she says give me another kiss, and we end up kissing some more.

She ends of sending me streams of text messages - "I just want to lay my head down on your chest and watch tv..."

"I am just ready for some smoothing sailing in my life and for things to be a bit easier. I'm sure you are ready for the same."

I say "@smooth sailing - that is what I want, no drama. Love, happiness, appreciation and affection" and she writes "Yep (love, happiness, appreciation, affection)(and respect, honesty, aware and taken care of one another)"

She then ends with "I will text you when I land. xoxoxoxox"

When she landed though tragedy struck - while she was here she told me all the things that she was dealing with but never actually told me about. Herpes, mother was not appreciative of her efforts, grandpa was sick, and she hates her job.

When she got back although I said no contact, she called me right away to let me know her grandfather had passed away. I have met the man several times, and had thanksgiving with him. At that time he believed we would be married someday.

Although i limited our communication I wanted to make sure she knew that I was there with her while she was going through the loss and grieving. I followed up with her once - gave her a couple days and followed up again to make sure she was coping well. I ordered a Lafco candle from NYC and a book "The Awakening". As we have talked about before, she says that no one looks out for her - and I told her that I would like to look out for her and be there for her. While I could not be there for her - these items would feed her soul and rejuvenate her spirits.

It has been 2 weeks since she was here - and this past Saturday I told her that I would like for her to get to know me better. She said that she feels that enough time has not passed by and she still has concerns over compatibility issues. She said she would get back to me. I did not pressure her over the next couple of days. Last night she called me, and basically said that she doest not want to be a situation where she feels obligated, or feel as though things are back to business as usual. I told her that I want her to get to know who I am today. She said she feels that cannot occur unless we talk, and she doesn't want to have regular conversation. She said that more time needs to be between us. Right now she needs to make decisions for her - while she's not going out there saying "Hey everyone, I'm single take me to dinner" - she does not want to feel like she needs to say that she is talking to someone on a regular basis. Basically to have time apart do our own thing and see what happens when we do talk. I am a straight shooter, so I said that I cannot say that I want to get to know each other again while going on dates with other people, so I have decided that I won't be doing that, but you are free to do what you wish to do. Looking back I don't think I should have said that because it may seem like I'm trying to force her in a corner. She's 30, she wants to be married and have kids, and she keeps saying she can't put her life on hold, it's not the same for men. She is getting older.

I ask her if she has any feelings for me - she said that she does but she doesn't want to talk about it right now, and she not sure if she answered the question correctly. I try to rephrase the question and she got upset because she feels that I'm not listening to her when she said "I don't want to talk about it" - and she basically said this is a prime example of why she thinks we are incompatible.

She ends the conversation, usually I am the one to end it. She then sends me a text after the convo, telling me "thanks for all my kindness and thoughtfulness regarding the passing of her grandpa, I really appreciate it". I tell her she is welcome, and I apologize for frustrating her on the phone when she called. I told her I understood when she said that she didn't want to talk about it, and that I recognize I was pushing my issue - like I said, I am a straight up guy, if I see a mistake that I made I apologize for it if i know what my true intentions were and after thinking about it I realize that was my true intention of pushing my issue of us reconciling. She wrote back "It's fine. Thanks for the apology. I'm sorry for showing my frustration."

And that's it. Just writing this was therapeutic, but I feel very sad. I feel that there is something I can tell her, something I can say to her to make her realize that hey, today is not yesterday. Today can be different if you will only allow that difference to occur. I even told her that she put herself out there for me multiple times, that she should allow me to do the same, and she says "maybe." I really can't get through to her.

I understand what NC will do, but I have serious fears about loosing her, and that's the truth. Yes there are other women out there, and I have no problem meeting them, I am just seriously not that interested at all. I am so focused on her that I have no interest elsewhere.

I jog on a regular basis, and try to keep busy and active. I have a lot on my plate that can keep me busy for the next couple of months, but I'm just not ok with the unknown right now.

I do understand that 3-4 months down the road our situations could be different, and I guess I have faith that we will find each other again. I'm not on facebook, and I don't use IM. I changed her contact info to "DO NOT CALL HER OR TEXT HER" as a reminder that everytime I am tempted to text or call, I will see it. I am pretty good about respecting her space and privacy.

For those who read through this novel, I appreciate it. If you have any thoughts and or opinions please do not hesitate to post. I have been very candid and non-biased in detailing my transgressions, and I welcome any feedback, advice, game plan etc.

So, today is Day 1 of NC.

I have been extremely busy (i'm doing a masters in the middle of residency) and have several manuscripts that I am writing at the same time.

It still very early so I think it's natural for me to think of her often. She has been very supportive of me and my career. It sucks not seeing her on my phone sending text messages. Even though we have been broken up for 2 weeks, she would still send me messages. Now there are none.

I am currently of the mindset that I will not contact her unless she contacts me. Until then I will bury myself in my work and invest in me with 110% of my energy.

When I think of it, she did say she needed to time to stop feeling so depressed about everything. I wish I could take away her pain.

Anyone else out there going through a similar long distance NC situation. If so I would like to hear about it and support your struggles.

Stay strong.

Hey iceweasel6,

I told you I'd read your story and respond so that's exactly what I'm going to do right now. It was quite the epic but not the hundreds of posts that my thread is, haha, so I give you credit for getting through all of it. Anyway, here we go...

First off, let me say that your ex and mine sound a lot alike. In fact, our situations sound a lot alike, they just don't have parallel specifics. I can see that you two probably have a lot of love between the two of you. That is obviously a good thing. I can honestly say, with all the issues that my ex and I have gone through, that we always admitted to one another how much we loved each other. with all of my ex's shortcomings I love the woman to death. I really do. I once told her that I'd take a bullet for her and at the time I probably would have. Love is a beautiful thing and there's nothing like it.

Having said that, love is never enough. Yup, here comes the 'reality check' paragraph. With all the love that you two obviously share you definitely listed a bunch of things in your post that pose problems. Problems in the present and problems that could most definitely effect your future together. Compatibility is something as important as love in a relationship. You can love a people for all sorts of reasons but the person that you're compatible with, well that's something pretty unique. Sometimes people's personalities just step on the others' toes. It's not done with mal intent. It's just the nature of who you are and who she is and whether or not the two can sustain a lifetime together. I don't know you or your ex well enough to tell you if you are compatible but based on a lot of the examples you gave I would say that there are certainly things that you need to be honest with yourself about. And it's hard because your heart gets in the way. Your love for her clouds your logical mind. Sometimes we don't want to see the things that aren't so perfect and that could get worse. It's a very trying task to sort that out and I'm in the midst of it myself. As time goes on, which is why NC is so important, your heart quiets down a bit and you can listen to your logical mind a lot better and hear it more clearly. Time and space can be an invaluable thing in this for you now that you do indeed have it.

Look, she seems unsure. We can both acknowledge that, right? Well there's nothing that you can do that will satiate that uncertainty. It's something that she absolutely has to come to on her own. If you do it for her, even if it did work, it would only last a short while and she'd be back asking herself the same questions. Why? Because she needs to realize what she wants for herself. You are not a car and you don't need to sell yourself to her. She knows what she has in you. She may need time to APPRECIATE what she found in you. She has to miss you and you need time and space for that to happen. You don't want her to settle for you. "Okay, well I guess he's right. Things will be different. Things can be new again. Things can change". No. This is not cool. You want to feel like a rock star. You want to be loved and adored as you should be. And if she can't do this then someone else will. You do not want to be Mr. Good Enough. You want to be Mr. Best. The best for her and the best for you.

Like I said, you sound a lot like me. I think you'd probably walk to the ends of the earth for this woman. Good for you. You know how to love. You know how to treat someone. You seem to be a really nice guy who has a lot going for himself. Believe in yourself. If she's the one for you then let her show you that. All of this questioning just makes things seem, well, not right. And neither of you want that. You deserve better. You both do. And you both need to be happy with your choice. It's kind of like math. A positive and a positive equals a positive. A positive and a negative equals a negative. Right now she's that negative. In order for any relationship to work you need two positives. I once told my ex, at the tail end of our relationship, that in order for this to work we both have to want this. I'm not going to try whilst she sits back and evaluates me. I'm not a show pony. The point? You both have to want to try. If you don't then it'll always fail.

So what I would do if I were you, since I am sort of you, is worry about yourself. She is in a place that's neither here nor there. She doesn't know what she wants. Well, so be it. If you don't want me then go away. There really is no in between. If you want me, let me know and we'll talk about it. There always has to be an agreement between the two parties. it doesn't work otherwise. So worry about yourself as no one else is going to. Concentrate on your work, your leisure, etc. You really have no other choice. You can think about her not being sure about you and get stuck in the mud, as I have many a day, or you can live your life like you mean it. Like you want to suck the marrow out of it. Seize every opportunity that comes your way and see where that takes you. Every experience, good or bad, is a chance to learn. Look at this as a window to grow and you will.

In short, do not waste your time waiting for her. If it's meant to be then it really will be. She'll let you know. You may or may not welcome her back and THAT is where you gain your strength from. You always have a choice. It's not just her choice. Only you control the outcome of your life and you do this with the decisions you make every day. Choose wisely.

I'll be here for you if you need me. I hope this helped.

-1784

kind of crazy that tonight im reading all of these life altering posts. maybe im having some kind of revelation? is that what you think you had when the bettering of yourself began?

1784,

Thanks for your post. You are definitely wise beyond your years.

I realize that there may be some compatibility issues and that's why I'm using this period of NC to really evaluate things. I realized initially that I said I didn't want to date or pursue anyone because I want to work things out with her, but over the last 2 weeks, I have really been thinking about how we get along at the core. While I know my emotions are partially clouding my judgement I'm not going to move faster than my emotions will let me.

Like you said, it's not just her choice. I have a choice to make as well.

She did start our period of NC with an apology to me for venting her frustrations at me, but I'm not reading into it too much - she is very polite and appropriate. It seems as though she is always on.

reallyconfused2542,

It sneaks up on. The key I think is to relax and breathe. Know that your alive and well, and everything will be ok. The part that keeps us anxious is that we want to know how it's going to end up. We want so badly to know that it will turn out how we want - but if we realize that the more we kick scream, yell, push and pull our way into getting what we want, it seems much more likely it will never happen.

First things first - take care you of you. For me it meant not dating and taking a hard look at me. For you it may mean getting out there and pulling many chicks at once. You know what you need - so stop, listen to yourself and do what you need to do to make yourself whole again without the other person - because you were whole before you met her.

Update on NC Day 2:

If I wasn't so busy and distracted with work I would have probably sent her an email. But I'm slowly coming to realize that there really isn't much I can say to change her mind. She knows how I feel about her. She knows where I stand, and how I feel about her. Come to think of it - ya - there isn't anything I can say that she doesn't already know.

So my plan is to keep soul searching and heal.

Will keep you all posted each day, and let you know when she contacts me.

Feel free to post any perspectives, advice or opinions you may have.

well at least feel better knowing your one day ahead of where i wished i was! i would love for day 1-7 to be over already

reallyconfused2542,

Trust me when I say its not easy. I see things during the day that I would normally tell her about or funny stuff that I know she would get a kick out of and laugh at that I would love to share - but I realize that we aren't together anymore. Once I start from there - understanding, knowing we aren't together, I can wrap my head around it.

It sucks like crazy, but I gotta keep my sanity and hope alive inside me. It what keeps me going, but I know that if I trust that I can be ok with not knowing what will happen, I believe I'm one step close to whatever that is. I prefer that than moping about feeling miserable and crappy.

Put one foot in front of the other, and keep on keeping on.

during those 2 weeks of being broken up you guys contacted each other then what did you do to start the NC. did one of you say that we should stop talking or did you just stop all together with nothing being said about it

reallyconfused2542,

She actually called me on Monday and said that the past two weeks were not enough time apart. I agreed. I said we should have no contact with each other for a prolonged period of time and she agreed. The breakup wasn't bad at all. No shouting yelling or cursing. Funny thing is that she rarely cursed - which is what I love about her. I can't stand a potty mouth.

Anyway, that was that, we have been NC since Monday - and I am not going to break it. If she wants to break it that's fine - but I won't be.

wow. i guess im holding onto this hope that shell see that she made a mistake and want to come running back to me within a few days. maybe im just holding onto something that isn't there. we never really said that we wouldn't talk anymore. yesterday when we talk it just ended with her phone battery dyeing and that was that

Well, for now think of it as you won't be talking for now. Life isn't permanent. It changes.

True story, 1 week ago, an ex ex of mine from 13 years ago sent me an email - I don't even know how she found me, but she said she googled my name and saw my picture. The only thing I could think she saw was that I was faculty at my previous position before I moved to the east coast to go to school. From there she got my email send me a long one.

Took a lot of effort on her part - but I'm not interested in the least. Basically, you can never say never. Life is funny like that. Give her some time. Give yourself some time. Take a step forward for you, not for her and see what happens. The difficult part is that you set yourself up for failure by thinking that she will contact you soon.

How long has it been for you? How did you all do NC? Did you all talk about it? Did you all break up bitter?

for me its only been today and i don't think that the breakup was bitter. i think that she was frustrated at the end. she said she wanted time to focus on her and not have to look at her phone and be worried that id be upset with her or getting into arguments about things. she's told me over and over how much i changed and influenced her life and i hope that theres no hard feelings. i guess im def guilty of setting myself to be disappointed cause all i really want right now is for her to txt me. im a glutton for punishment i think

Ahhh....I see.

Tell you what - use this time wisely. I have seen a communication expert and there are a few books she recommended I read, the first is Difficult Conversations (I've whipped through 50% of it, a great read - allows you to master talking about difficult things in all contexts, including gf/significant others, but also work, family, you name it you will be able to have conversations about difficult things without them blowing up. Basically you can control yourself and the convo-flow.

The second - "The Intimacy Factor" - great book so far, I couldn't put it down a couple of days ago, will have to pick it up again.

The third is Attached. So far it's good. It's about learning why things happen in relationships by understanding your own style of intimacy. Its funny cuz I have only recently started reading this, and I wanted to share every ounce with my ex and say - "Look look....see our problems can be fixed" - but she's not even at the point of listening.

Besides, I'm reading these books for me. At the end of the day, I'm the one who is learning and growing. It will only make me better person.

I don't think you have a glutton for punishment, I think your in the mindframe that she will come back. She may very well may, but be real, lets say she does, right now, lets say she calls right now and says lets try, what have you done to assure that the same pitfalls that got you where you are today won't happen again?

i know on my end that it was me not showing her enough love. when she would say i love you or are we do you see a future with me i would leave her hanging. i was stupid about not sharing things with her. i know that if we were to get back together and make an honest try at things that i could be everything that she wants and show her that emotion and really mean it.

So what emotional / communication / relational skills have you learned since your breakup that you can use to apply, recognize situations and effectively manage them? (i'm asking quantitatively, not qualitatively - so no "i've learned to be a better person". I want to hear about real life skill acquisition)

im hoping that im answering your question....

for one i know that when someone tells me that i love them and i feel the same way that im going to vocalize it. not be afraid to return it.

im going to think of a future with someone and not say that i don't think about things like that. without planning for a future why am i bothering

im not going to always wait for them to initiate saying loving and affectionate things to me, im going to tell her that she looks pretty or i love staring into your eyes- not being afraid to sound like less of a man

when im asked to do something that i don't necessarily want to do but i know would make them happy ill do it. i want to make them know that her happiness is important to me. going to a bar is a good example. i didn't want to go to a bar with her that her friends band was playing at because i hate the bar. she said that i should go anyway and make new memories with her there but of course i didn't go. i should have listened to her and just blocked out the negative and enjoyed her

thats a few for starters but im def going to keep thinking of more. i think that those are some good ones to begin with

Those traits sound like a "secure" individual in the book "Attached" that I just started reading.

Those are some good points and good realizations - I'm curious to when you made these realizations and under what circumstances.

Additionally, what are your ex's needs, and if she would come back to you - how would you meet them?

haha i just really came up them recently. now i just have to implement them.maybe it was the breakup and the thought of really losing something that i did indeed have all of those feelings for that made me think of those things. it happened last time with the breakup of my last LTR. all of this emotion came out of me but i guess when in the end i didn't get her back i just stuffed it all inside and was afraid to show it to another girl.

those were all of my exes needs. she really wasn't asking to much. but i wonder though if i did do all of that for her would she still have found something else to leave me over. if you get a chance can you check out my post that describes her and maybe you can give me some insight.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t275568/

i also kind of came to the conclusion that those are all things that make a successful relationship. while it might not be perfect doing those things for a woman will show her that everything is just minor problems. again i just have to implement it into my life and not be afraid to show those things. for the longest time i though it made me look like less of a man in her eyes if i did those things. i wouldn't even use the smiley faces or things like that cause i thought it made me look girly but now that i think about it if it made her smile and have a brighter day, who really cares?

Dude, I highly recommend you read "Attached". Trust me. You can download the first part of the book for free to check it out from the kindle bookstore. I haven't finished it, but I'm almost done and it's worth every penny.

did you get a chance to read about our background a little?do you think were just doomed anyway?

I did. It's tough to say dude. It seems like she needs time. Morever, I think that your failure to recognize her need for intimacy, and lack of availability to provide security in the relationship was also a contributing factor. Because you are NC its impossible to validate her feelings and reduce her frustrations. When I was reading your background I felt you were focusing on the facts instead of explaining/taking her feelings into account, and I am sure that despite your best efforts, when you were in a relationship with her you failed to communicate your needs clearly to her in a language she understood, and when she would communicate hers to you, you probably did not seem to get it - or just may have ignored it - going in one ear and out the other.

Sometimes, it's not about saying the right things at the right times, but also having a congruency of actions.

Dude, trust me when I say you need to read that book. It's like a manual for understanding a woman and her needs - by understanding you and how yourself. Can't fix something you don't understand.

yea im going to stop tomorrow and try and pick it up. your right about the in and out of the problems. i did that a lot and just chalked it up to her being crazy. but does that mean that im not capable of changing? bad idea to ask in two weeks to go for a hike with me?

@hike - very bad idea - until you have the ability to understand to yourself what some of the issues are and how to effectively manage them. Don't.

Her acting crazy - is like a baby screaming when his/her mom leaves a room. You need to be able to know what to say and do to manage her needs. Its not impossible, but you don't have the skills or ability to do it right now.

When you do then can you say that you have changed and you are worthy of her love. Until then dude, you don't have a clue what to do. She will sense if your ready or not because you alert system will try to test you. Human psychology is fascinating!

You don't need to buy it - read it for free. Kindle on PC, kindle on MAC - you could be reading it right now.

really?how do i do that? don't you have to pay for the full books on the kindle site? and i kind of wanted a hard copy because when im done i was just going to leave it at her house....or bad idea as well..wasn't going to be any psycho txting, just ive left a book for you at your house that i think you'd like to read...