Age difference has become a problem after 5 years!!!!!!

As some of you may have seen in my older posts, my boyfriend is 17 years my senior.

For most of our relationship, this was never a problem, but lately it has started to really bother me. It has nothing to do with our different interests or anything like that, and he certainly doesn't act his age (not in an immature way) but over the past few years I have seen groups of my friends getting married - all to people their/my age (give or take maybe 1 or 2 years in between). This has started to really upset me and I dread receiving wedding invitations in the mail. There was a stage when I would wake up in the mornings nearly in tears, thinking to myself "How, at 27, did I end up with a 44 year old man? This isn't how it was supposed to be!".

When we first started dating (I was 21, nearly 22), telling people his age was a huge novelty for me. It made me feel mature. But as the years have gone on I have become almost embarassed by it. I don't show people photos of him and I don't like how we look in photos together. I feel like he looks like my dad. I don't want to marry him. We have spoken about it and I have told him it is just not a big deal for me when in reality something about marrying him doesn't sit well with me.

I worry a lot about the future too. When I am 33, he will be 50 years old. When I am 63, he will be 80. I know all of these things are a lifetime away, but we joked about it on the weekend and it kind of hit home with me. If we haven't had children by the time I am 33, he might be ok with being a 71+ year old father at our child's 21st, but I am not ok with that. He will also retire nearly 20 years before me.

I only wish he was 15 or even 10 years younger! He is the perfect man!!!! He treats me like a queen and still tells me he loves me every single day. He puts me first. He trusts me. He allows me all the freedom in the world. He supports me. He doesn't belittle me. I know I am never going to find a man as wonderful... but I can't shake this feeling and I don't know what to do.

How do you tell someone who you mean the absolute world to that you are breaking up over the one thing they can't control or fix?!! :( Why has this started to bother me now?!!

Your username speaks volumes. You cannot stay with him- you are obviously not okay with the relationship anymore. Who knows why- you become wiser as you age. You can't fault yourself for having preferences, and you want someone younger. It is OK to want that. Of course, the breaking up wont be easy. No break ups ever are, but you won't be doing anyone any favors by staying with him.

good luck

People often do break up because of things that they can't help (e.g. age, location, commitments, priorities, etc), and they often refuse to even date someone in the first place because of things they can't help (e.g. unattractiveness, unintelligence, personality, etc). To a certain extent we are all judgemental when it comes to relationships; everyone has their deal-breakers and whether or not the other person can help it is beside the point. You can't feel bad for judging someone on something that seriously affects your future together - if his age is a deal-breaker then you need to end the relationship.

It's no good having a kind, nice, wonderful guy if you simply have no future together because of his age. It sounds like you're already somewhat embarrassed by his age, because he's gone from being "cool 30-something older man" to "old guy in his 40s", and you're still young. When he was "cool 30-something" you found him attractive, but since he became "old guy in his 40s" and started to show physical signs of ageing, maybe you've started to lose interest? You said yourself that you don't even want to marry him. Given his age, does he even want to marry you and have kids?

It sounds to me like you're already having negative feelings about the relationship, to the extent that you're sitting around and crying because other girls are getting married to young guys and you're not. You're absolutely right to worry about the long term issues - you'll be in your prime when he's pushing retirement age, and you face the very real prospect of being widowed a decade before you even retire, so you'll be left alone in your old age. When you're young (i.e. the age you were when you met him) you often don't think about these issues, but when you get a bit older it's natural to consider such things.

If I were you, I'd probably end the relationship and move on before all the good guys my own age got snapped up. I'm not saying your relationship couldn't work, but it would require an awful lot of compromise and sacrifice on your part - are you prepared to do that? Or in your heart of hearts would you prefer a guy your own age?

Start working up the nerve to dump him, and tell him the straight up truth. "Your age is starting to bother me, and I cant deal with it anymore, its over." Theres no way for you to do it without devastating him. So stop waiting to do it and just do it.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply, guys. You have all given me something to think about.

Just to digress for a minute, Boogieboy may I just say I love your sig quote. If someone tells me "I did it to protect you/so you wouldn't worry" I think that is the biggest load of bull*****.

SS, From what you are telling us, I would guess that he has thought of these things too. If you really love and respect him, you should tell him, honestly , your feelings and then make a clean break of it. For both your sakes.

I am sure he has, boldjack. But I also believe he truly loves me, not just sees me as some young thing. I think he will be wondering why it took me over 5 years to come to this conclusion and for that I won't be able to explain.

SS, I am sure that you CAN explain it to him. He sounds like a great guy and is probably wondering about the same things himself. That it took 5 years, can be explained by telling him about these wedding invitations, and how he is looking older, etc. It will not be pleasant, but it's what you need to do, now. If you were to continue with him, the age difference will only get more obvious, and the anxiety will only get worse, particularily as you get closer to wanting a child. Both of you will have to be brave. Good Luck:)

Thanks sweetie.

I am so glad I am getting support on here. I honestly expected to come on and be told things such as "How could you do that to a good man after 5 years?!! Were you so immature to not work it out earlier?!!!! You're just horrible!"

I guess I just have too much experience with bad advice sites.

Contrary to what some people like to believe, especially men, age does matter. And your concerns and worries are normal and something you totally should be considering. My girlfriend married a man who was 50 when she was 26. They had a little girl together. At first, she enjoyed the novetly, and like you, thought dating older was fun. Well, they are now divorced due to the age difference. By 50, he just wasn't as active as she was. And most men won't be. She had to handle more of the responsiblity. He already had mid-grown children with another woman and had a little one that he really didn't have energy for.

Now, do I think that means older men can't be with younger woman? No. It just means that it's a serious issue to consider and age does matter and sometimes older men are not better. Again, contrary to what men wish and want women to think. That's jsut the facts.

No one should be with someone that is embarressed by them. So if you are embarressed by him you hsould let him go and find someone who won't be. And maybe he will be wiser in picking someone more his age the next time around.

I think you can explain it by saying that when you met him you were very young, barely out of your teens, and you weren't mature enough to think about the long-term prospects of a relationship. Now you're a bit older and more mature, all your friends are getting married, and it's natural for you to start to think about your future... but you can't see a future with him because of the age difference. Tbh he only has himself to blame; when you met he was a mature man of nearly 40, he cannot seriously have expected a relationship with a 21yo to last long-term.

Tbh he only has himself to blame; when you met he was a mature man of nearly 40, he cannot seriously have expected a relationship with a 21yo to last long-term.

You know it's funny a lot of people have told me that. He is an incredibly intelligent man who makes very wise decisions, so I didn't think anything of his decision to be with me.

I am sorry to hear about your friend's divorce, Jersey. Thanks for the advice. I honestly feel like I am being a complete nutcase thinking 40 years ahead into the future. I woke up this morning asking myself what if I didn't want to have a baby until I was 35? Would I be ok with him being 62 at our child's 10TH birthday party?? I don't think so.

Oh man this SUCKS! I wish I could control this but it's the one thing I can't. I have always lived in the moment in our relationship, I wonder if he hadn't made a joke about being 80 when I was 63, if I would have ever even thought about it?

Am I completely nuts??

I went on another forum and everyone basically went off at me, calling me shallow and asking why all of a sudden I felt this way, telling me I didn't love him at all. That is not even close to true! Why would they say that?

Because most of them were probably a little insecure.

You're not nuts. But if you really loved him, then you wouldn't be embarressed of him. And he has the right to be with a woman that won't be embarressed of him. No one should be with someone they are embarressed.

Look. I dated alot of older men myself. And at the time, I enjoyed the experiences. But as I got older, I wanted experiences with men closer to my age. And maybe because I dated older, the noveltly wore off and men my own age turned out to be more exciting...whatever the reason. You need to examine what you want out of life.

I guess the people on the other forum can't see past the facts to understand the underlying feelings and motivations, and also they're more committed to bashing people than trying to provide constructive advice and actually help someone. We are a lot smarter here

You're not nuts, or shallow, and if you didn't love him you wouldn't even be beating yourself up over this, you'd just dump him. But the fact is that you're beginning to grow up a little and gain a more mature perspective on life, which has led you to re-evaluate the long term prospects of your current relationship. For adults it isn't just about whether you love someone, it's about whether you realistically have a future together and whether your goals and desires match. That's what you need to decide - can you see a future with this man? Or is the future you would have with him not really what you want?

Thanks again for your input, guys. LOL I know I keep saying that over and over but you have no idea how refreshing it is to actually get some adult advice without the name calling and bashing. <3

I dated alot of older men myself. And at the time, I enjoyed the experiences. But as I got older, I wanted experiences with men closer to my age. And maybe because I dated older, the noveltly wore off and men my own age turned out to be more exciting...whatever the reason. You need to examine what you want out of life.

I think you're right... as I mentioned in the first few years of being together I wanted to tell whoever would listen that my boyfriend was sooooo much older than me, but it's done a complete backflip recently. He is the first older man I have dated. My other relationships were with men only 1 year older or younger than me.

My vision of my life wasn't like this. I wanted to marry a man close to my age and grow old together - not at separate times. I know what my friends are thinking and as much as it hurts to say, what my parents are thinking. They love him, but I think they too know that there is no long term future in this. They are just too kind to say anything.

People say to me age is just a number, love is all that matters. That's all very romantic but I have come to see it is unrealistic. If love was all that mattered, people wouldn't break up over such things as e.g. one partner wanting a family and the other not wanting a family.

You're not nuts, or shallow, and if you didn't love him you wouldn't even be beating yourself up over this, you'd just dump him.

Right! That's why I can't understand all these fools telling me I don't love him.

For adults it isn't just about whether you love someone, it's about whether you realistically have a future together and whether your goals and desires match. That's what you need to decide - can you see a future with this man? Or is the future you would have with him not really what you want?

That is the question I have been asking myself for ages. One part of me cannot imagine my life without him, it makes me sick to the stomach just thinking about not being able to talk to him or hug him, but another part of me almost resents him.

The years pass and I see friends getting married, having children... meanwhile I am still where I am. Happy, but miserable at the same time.

SS, it does sound like quite a tough choice. Maybe you feel like either way you're going to end up regretting.

Do put a little bit of thought into what happens next if you break up. Some people are very lucky, they are able to quickly find a new person to be with and go on. Some are not so lucky. In my case, I broke up with someone 2.5 years ago, and thought I would relatively quickly find someone that was as good or better, without the problems of the other relationship. Well, here I am and still single. It is not always easy to find someone else. You start having to ask yourself which parts you're willing to give up on and compromise with.

Some people are able to relatively quickly get over a previous relationship, to the point where they are able to start a new one quickly. Again, others are not so lucky. Having been with this man for five years, it is entirely possible you might spend 1-3 years recovering from the breakup, even if you're the one who initiates it. It's not certain, but consider the possibility. It is also possible you are taking for granted many of the good qualities that your current man possesses. You may break up with him, and be rather shocked by how men your own age will treat you, or how different they will be in a dating relationship.

You mentioned the difference in responses between this board and the other one. I'm not sure which other one you mean, but having been on this board for a couple of years I will say that I think there is a strong bias here towards encouraging almost everyone to break up with their current relationship.

If this truly is a dealbreaker for you, then your course is clear no matter what the cost. I would just suggest that you not be unreasonably optimistic about the possible outcome if you break up. It is not a choice between the man you have and a man 17 years younger who is otherwise identical. It may well be a choice between the man you have and a man 17 years younger who has one or more other undesirable qualities that your current man does not. Spend some time thinking about the qualities in your man that you do like, and what it would really be like to be with a man who was the opposite.

Best wishes either way,

Scott

That's a very good point Scott - you're right, it isn't a decision between potential husbands where all things are equal except age. Another man might be younger, but might also be less faithful, less interesting and compatible, less loving and caring - OP, you have to weigh up the likelihood of finding another man who's as good as your current bf but younger. Not to mention that you'll inevitably spend some time being alone, or be hurt a couple of times in the process of looking for mr right, which obviously wouldn't happen if you choose to stay with your current bf. However since you're only in your mid 20s I think there's a pretty good chance of you finding what you want, if you care to go looking for it, and you still have plenty of time to find it. It's really up to you to assess how replaceable (or not) your current bf is, and how much of an issue the age difference is (I have to admit that I would balk at such a large age gap, but that's just me).

I guess I just don't understand wanting to throw away a good thing just because he of his physical appearance (he looks older). If he is still open to having children at his age, why should you make it a problem for you? My sister and her H are 27 years apart and they had their daughters when he turned 54. He's a great father and very active.

My boyfriend and I have an age spread similar to you and yours and I just don't feel it's an issue. It's probably even less of an issue for me because most of my friends are closer to his age than mine. (Admittedly though sometimes he is concerned about how people will judge our relationship - I don't care what others think). I'm fully aware that I may be a relatively young widow, but that could happen with anyone (car crash, etc). There are just no guarantees in life.

Why is this one issue so important to you?

The one thing that worries me is that SecretlySad has asked about other methods of contraception in two other different threads.

It led me to wonder, suspect and worry that she was tentatively seeking information in order to get laid elsewhere, and never, ever run the evenly remotely possible risk of getting pregnant by another man.....

I did ask the question in these threads, but got no response....

So really, I think before more helpful advice is heaped on here, it would be honest of SS to come clean with her intentions.

I really don't want to be party to inadvertently convincing someone that it's ok to have feelings of not wanting sex with a spouse AND encouraging a fling instead.

I For one......

HarmonyHope,

I have been in a similar situation and I will say that for me for someone to ask "why?" this was such an issue for me was kind of pointless...

It was an emotional/physical response that my emotions just have without my own consent....hard to explain...I just can't be "physical" with someone I am not attracted to. It sounds horribly "shallow" but personally I have never understood why other people just can't seem to wrap their heads around it. What is so hard to understand? when you're a teenager and just first experiencing feelings of "attraction" "lust" and even "love" towards people...most kids that age could never think of having sex with an 80 year old wrinkly old man...because it would seem "gross" to them and makes them feel like throwing up and they would just "die" before they ever did that...lol...It is an extreme example however it is exactly the same thing, just everybody has their own boundaries.

It's something that is joked about in sitcoms and such ..not just with age but with overweight people or people unattractive in some other ways..People walking in on their grandparents having sex and saying "oh no, now I have to burn my eyes off...or ...this is going to add 5 years to my therapy" ha ha ha...and it's all fun and games..Until you are actually a person who is made fun of OR you are actually a person that unfortunately falls in true love with someone who "turns you off" and other people who don't even know you choose to judge you as "shallow" and basically "BAD" for not being able to make your body do something which should ALWAYS be a personal choice...no matter the circumstances of any relationship or anything at all.

what I'm saying is not all of us grow out of that...And it's not like i personally need a person with model like perfect ...perfect abs and not a pimple on t he face and not a single gray hair...it's not like that...much more complicated actually. Could be some kind of complication of the brain from being sexually abused as a child...who knows...but I refuse to apologize for the way my body and my very emotions simply REACT without conferencing with my heart.

HarmonyHope,

 

I have been in a similar situation and I will say that for me for someone to ask "why?" this was such an issue for me was kind of pointless...

 

It was an emotional/physical response that my emotions just have without my own consent....hard to explain...I just can't be "physical" with someone I am not attracted to. It sounds horribly "shallow" but personally I have never understood why other people just can't seem to wrap their heads around it. What is so hard to understand? when you're a teenager and just first experiencing feelings of "attraction" "lust" and even "love" towards people...most kids that age could never think of having sex with an 80 year old wrinkly old man...because it would seem "gross" to them and makes them feel like throwing up and they would just "die" before they ever did that...lol...It is an extreme example however it is exactly the same thing, just everybody has their own boundaries.

 

It's something that is joked about in sitcoms and such ..not just with age but with overweight people or people unattractive in some other ways..People walking in on their grandparents having sex and saying "oh no, now I have to burn my eyes off...or ...this is going to add 5 years to my therapy" ha ha ha...and it's all fun and games..Until you are actually a person who is made fun of OR you are actually a person that unfortunately falls in true love with someone who "turns you off" and other people who don't even know you choose to judge you as "shallow" and basically "BAD" for not being able to make your body do something which should ALWAYS be a personal choice...no matter the circumstances of any relationship or anything at all.

 

what I'm saying is not all of us grow out of that...And it's not like i personally need a person with model like perfect ...perfect abs and not a pimple on t he face and not a single gray hair...it's not like that...much more complicated actually. Could be some kind of complication of the brain from being sexually abused as a child...who knows...but I refuse to apologize for the way my body and my very emotions simply REACT without conferencing with my heart.

I get what you're saying but I don't think she's repulsed by him. She has been with him for several years and nothing drastically changed - they both got older. It would be weird to expect that our partner not age, and that's going to happen to a new younger guy too. So I guess I just wonder what happens when that occurs. It's as if the age thing is only an issue now where it wasn't before. Why is it an isue now, after all this time?

Contrary to what some people like to believe, especially men, age does matter. And your concerns and worries are normal and something you totally should be considering. My girlfriend married a man who was 50 when she was 26. They had a little girl together. At first, she enjoyed the novetly, and like you, thought dating older was fun. Well, they are now divorced due to the age difference. By 50, he just wasn't as active as she was. And most men won't be. She had to handle more of the responsiblity. He already had mid-grown children with another woman and had a little one that he really didn't have energy for.

 

Now, do I think that means older men can't be with younger woman? No. It just means that it's a serious issue to consider and age does matter and sometimes older men are not better. Again, contrary to what men wish and want women to think. That's jsut the facts.

 

No one should be with someone that is embarressed by them. So if you are embarressed by him you hsould let him go and find someone who won't be. And maybe he will be wiser in picking someone more his age the next time around.

I love you always write this "men suck" posts and then turn right around and seem okay with the fact that women suddenly 'awaken' and the novelty of dating an older man wears off. Ever consider that the older man might have feelings all the same?

The years pass and I see friends getting married, having children... meanwhile I am still where I am. Happy, but miserable at the same time.

I backed out of a relationship with an older woman once, but it was after about three months of dating, so it probably didn't hit her as hard. If you've spent years together, this is going to suck -- for him especially.

You got involved with this guy when you were 22. Why is it such a surprise that what you saw for your future, if you even thought about it, is different from what you want now 5 years later? The 20's are a huge decade of change and learning about yourself and what is important to you.

You fell out of love with this guy, whether because of his age or because your needs and wants changed, or because you have a better sense of what is important to you and how you see yourself and your life. It happens.

Most relationships started at 22 don't end up being "forever". You don't have to beat yourself up over it, but you do absolutely need to end this. No man wants to be with a woman who is embarrassed by him or secretly (or not so secretly) sad.

Be honest and tell him the age difference has really been making you feel uncomfortable and you just can't see this working out with him. End it and free him to find a woman who loves him without embarrassment.