NC when something good happens SUCKS

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1356077#post1356077

Carrot

Not sharing this is hurting... .

Blah blah Carrot blah blah. Blah.

 

Oh damn. I wrote out this whole note about the day and just a moment ago something kind of meaningful happened and I want to share it with the ex so badly. I spent a few months working on something that I believed was critical to our research and no matter what I documented, I just wasn't making the case. The president of my firm deemed my work irrelevant. Well one moment ago a partnering firm just verified my work in very large numbers and it's not irrelevant, far from it.

 

It's not going to gain me any rewards beyond a little, Carrot knew it from the start - maybe. Maybe I'll get that.

 

But there is only one person who fully understands what this means to me and would be happy for me and proud of me and it's the ex. I took a lot (A LOT) of grief over this work. The ex was even faintly disappointed that I didn't quit because I wasn't getting the respect he thought was due me. He would be so proud and happy for me. He'd still be annoyed, I'm sure, that my work is getting less respect than deserved but he'd want to know about this and here I am not telling him.

 

A new kind of sad entered my stomach.

 

Carrot

Last edited by carrotgirl : Yesterday at 7:23 PM.

That's the post hyperlinked above.....

I didn't call the ex to tell him the news last night. He would have wanted to know, I'm sure. It would have been nice for me to hear the good things I'm sure he would have said. Instead I told a friend from home about my coup and he said. Carrot, that's nice. Yah. My pal didn't understand and there was no point trying to express to him all that it meant.

After that I was in bed thinking. What held me back from calling my ex? I really wanted to. Simple. He said he didn't love me. He gave up having any special status at all when he gave me up. my ex didn't deserve to know good news about me. He didn't deserve to know any news about me. He didn't deserve to feel pride or joy on my behalf.

He doesn't deserve to know I value him enough to want to share good news with him.

Sadder for me still to realize, I value him just enough less to keep my good news for myself. It was a hateful thought. I didn't think he was worth my giving him even a small part of my very precious, very valuable self.

At least today is Friday. One more day of stress and then I get a break.

Carrot

Mmm, I dont know. He said he doesnt love you in the context of a relationship, but, from all you have said, it sounds like he cares about you.

If you really feel like sharing the news, as a friend, a person to another, then thats really something special. The only thing is, whether you would feel better to share, or not to share. It seems alot of your grief over this, is that you see two people who are good together, and care for each other, and who for this senseless reason, cannot be together. So, you are probably right in that it would only worsen those feelings.

I had to read your post a few times. You reminded me of some important things. I don't know Spind, I don't know right from wrong in regard to good for me regarding the ex. I'm lacking perspective and facts.

It was weak effort, but yesterday the ex gave effort making the first move, to have some conversation, and I reacted perhaps not too poorly, but not well either.

I didn't have to guess about his actions yesterday. They were observable. His trips past my desk became more frequent and his waves and expressions became more blatant. I'm thankful for peripheral vision and sunlight at my back. I can see him and he can't see me well enough to know if I'm paying attention or not.

Later in the afternoon he went past my door, stopped, turned around and this time came in. He had to interrupt to get my attention a few times. I stopped working and looked up at him. I didn't invite him to sit. Amazingly, he started talking about some work thing that he had no need whatsoever to discuss with me.

He was reaching. He was there for some real, personal interaction with Carrot. He wasn't there for work at all and I knew it! He fumfered around trying to make unnecessary conversation. I didn't help him. I was busy and at the time I didn't have the patience to play at pretending we had anything to talk about.

Before I knew I was doing it, I was treating him like any other coworker who was interrupting my day with useless, meaningless banter and froze him out. Looking back on the situation, I can only imagine how he must have felt. If it had been the other way around, I would have been bewildered and possibly a bit hurt.

There is a reason we can't be together. We can't be together because he made a choice to give me up, give up on me, give up. He decided I wasn't worth it to him. Yah yah. At that time. Things change. I know. I could say this situation is very wrong and we should be together it's all stuff that gets so stale when you're broken up because it isn't (usually isn't) reality.

Call me shallow but a strong attraction when making new friends is when they want to be friends with me. Same thing with dating. An interested guy is more attractive to me than someone who is indifferent. The ex basically said I like you and you make me happy but that's not good enough for me and so I need to have zero Carrot in my life. Because I love him and care for him and because there's no arguing his expressed need, I endeavored to give him what he asked.

Are the ex's small actions also small steps? Small steps toward Carrot? Small steps toward what? Do they mean he would like more than zero Carrot? How much more than zero?

I guess I could be seeing friendship here. Am I being too cold? Am I being too prideful?

No, you're not.

You know him as a lover, and thats who he was to you. Since the break-up was not of your choosing, then its clear that the relationship was what you wanted. Now you are trying to adjust to the fact that you no longer have the relationship, and that in itself takes time. After that, you can see from a fresh perspective whether you would like to have a different kind of relationship with him. A friendship.

Perhaps he wants you as a friend, but, when he said he no longer wanted the relationship with you, losing you completely was a risk he took.

He may be sad to have possibly lost you forever, but, you are sad too.

It takes alot of time to know how to react after the breakup. Unfortunately you are in a position where nc is not possible, so you are doing the next best thing. You are trying to engage in as little communication as possible while you adjust.

Fear sucks. People make the worst decisions out of fear. So I faced my fear of what if today and just sent the ex an email with the study results.

It's really about me accepting that there is not and never will be an us again. So what the hell does it matter what I do or don't do?

He's nothing to me. He doesn't matter.

Carrot

I don't think it is fair to yourself to say "he is nothing to me" when everyone knows it is not true. I know that alot of people here are very much into having their pride and whatnot but in reality breakups that are not of our choosing usually leave us gutted.

Obviously he still means something to you. I am sure, like most of us, that what exactly that is has become more confused in your mind as time passes. Regardless, I think we are better off just accepting that this left us in such a bad state. Once we accept this it is usually easier to move forward again. By telling yourself he means nothing to you when he still does mean something to you is simply causing internal conflict within yourself.

All this said, I understand completely how much it sucks wanting to share your life with someone who doesn't want that from you anymore. Fear does suck and fear does make us make the worst decisions, but frankly I think you need to go into more strict no contact. I know how hard it is believe me.

Ugh agree fear sucks. I nearly contacted my ex out of fear a minute ago.

Fear can take many forms.

If your fear was a loss of pride, then, agree, why not send it?

I dont know if he is nothing to you, but, his opinion of whether you are girlfriend material or not, is nothing to you.

My fear on that score was all fear of the unknowable. Will it set me back? Will he get the wrong impression? Will he be less interested? Will he not want me back someday. Silly stuff of that ilk.

Perhaps pride does sum it up, but not because he has a low opinion, but because I didn't want his good opinion to change. Which is a little silly granted. He already rejected me so what is the difference if he thinks highly of me going forward?

His opinion of me isn't just good. It's great. He thinks I'm fun to be with, beautiful, intelligent, have a great sense of humor, passionate and sexually exciting. All of that. He's physically attracted still.

Sao's term is closer. I was gutted. There was all of this talk about motivation when I first happened onto LS and so help me, I still have no real insight as to his motivation. I only know what he said and have no choice other than continuing to believe he meant it.

I don't think I'll ever know more than that. I could have asked, and still could I suppose. At the time all that mattered to me was accepting how things were and keeping on breathing.

He IS nothing to me. That is the reality. It's not what I want but it's how things are. And until I hear otherwise, I accept (even though I don't want to believe) I am nothing to him.

Which brings me to taking responsibility for one's self, one's happiness and blah blah blah. If he were to die tomorrow, have I said all I needed and wanted to say? Would I regret not doing ___? I am still going to be myself through this mess.

I can't help but wonder if Mr. yes I said he's nothing to me could say the same. I wonder if someone asked him would he regret his choice to dump me cold a day after being so intensely, blissfully, openly intimate? That's a question I wouldn't mind having an answer to. If he knew I'd be really and truly gone, would it make a difference?

Carrot

Yah. He just stopped by again. And he said something I didn't understand and I said huh? And the look of sheer annoyance that played across his face was stunning. It was over for him. It stayed over and anything else is all just a silly game to him. He looked at me just like he thinks I'm a silly girl for feeling anything at all.

I can't handle this. I thought I could but I can't.

Carrot

Am I being too prideful?

Yeah, dunno where I got that idea from

It was a good, relevant question.

I'm crying. I'm sitting at my desk crying.

Carrot, if at all possible just allow yourself to go with the pain. Can you possibly get signed off sick for a little while or something? Would that be bad timing because of your recent accomplishment?

It was a good, relevant question.

 

I'm crying. I'm sitting at my desk crying.

You sound really upset, is it possible to go home sick?

I need to be here for a late meeting. Otherwise I would have split hours ago. Wouldn't have had the interaction with the ex in the first place. Wouldn't have been here.

I just feel stupid for all of it. Stupid ups and downs. Stupid head. Stupid heart. Stupid wrinkle on my lip. You know how that list goes?

Carrot

Right, you are allowing this one person to ruin your feelings about something great that you accomplished. Dont let him do that to you!

He has been sending you confusing messages for a while now, and all the time, you have been damn strong, keeping yourself together, and making great achievements at work.

So, you wanted to share something good with him. Just like he wanted to share things with you when he invited you out to play, whatever it is you play (sorry), and wanted to partner you, and has wanted to talk to you. He must have wanted to, or he wouldnt have. So what, he is allowed to want to share with you, but you are not allowed to have those same feelings?

At least you have had the decency and courtesy to not make him feel bad about it. Okay, you dismissed him a little last time he tried to speak to you, but HE DUMPED YOU. You are reacting to that. What does he expect?

Carrot,

Sorry you are having a tough day. BTW, congratulations on your study. I think that is pretty cool.

How much longer before you can start your weekend? Just get through the day sweetie.

Deep breaths.

Golf. It was the last of golfing here for a while I think.

I'm just trying to breathe and get through this meeting.

Carrot

Never mind. I worked it out for myself.

I'm going to continue as much NC as is needed and good for me. I'm not going to bother asking him to leave me alone. That's wasted energy. I can't control his actions. I can control mine though.

If I were listening to myself as an outside observer I would note that there was a change in the ex's behavior in immediate relation to the shift in my behavior so maybe he's not as inured or complacent as he would like to be either.

I'm going to continue to avoid him as much as possible. He was probably trying to be nice when he repeated his comment about me earning a Nobel prize someday. It wasn't that I wasn't flattered. I just didn't hear him the first few times he said it and then I didn't know what to say. So I guess he got annoyed. I can't do anything for him there.

He broke away from me. He shouldn't be surprised at any distance I try to put between us. Frankly it is still weird to me that he would want anything to do with me at all. Because isn't that what breaking up is all about?

Carrot

Thank you Undies. I started my weekend about five minutes ago. I'm at my brother and sister in-law's house eating their leftover meatloaf on a sandwich with a big glass of milk. It's as close to being innocent as I could muster.

I totally understand what youre feeling here. Not long after we split, I had something occur that made me really want to contact my ex, but like we are both realizing, they let us go. They gave up on us, they dont deserve to know about the good that happening in our lives. More than likely we want to tell them due to habit and on the other hand we probably want them to know so we can be like "ha! i'm doing well without you so dont you worry about me!".

Eventually we'll all get to the point where something good will happen and our first instinct won't be to contact our exes but to contact someone else, be it someone new, or another friend.

Hang in there.

Aria, at this point, if he would simply let go I'd shut up. He sent email tonight blah blah and thanks for all your help this week. What an a$$. I'm sick from this.

Carrot

I am sorry you had such a rough day. That sucks . You will get through this. He left you high and dry, and while he might want to hear the great news you have he does not get to. He left you, he doesn't get off that easy. Don't tell him how you are doing, he dumped you, he gets to go through life wondering if he made the biggest mistake of his life.

Aria, at this point, if he would simply let go I'd shut up. He sent email tonight blah blah and thanks for all your help this week. What an a$$. I'm sick from this.

 

Carrot

Can you block his email? If you can, do it. If you're done and he's hindering you, try to block him as much as you can. I'm proud of you, keep it up. Strength is hard, as we all know.