Yah. He flaked.

I didn't feel angry. I felt funny and good. Like it would be almost good enough to taste to see him pounded and bloody. He's so beautiful. I seriously questioned my sanity at that point.

I didn't feel angry. I felt funny and good. Like it would be almost good enough to taste to see him pounded and bloody. He's so beautiful. I seriously questioned my sanity at that point.

Here is a link that I found ...useful at one point.

http://www.davidandgoliathtees.com/index.php?mode=DLG

This should take you to a silly arcade site. Play "boys are stupid".

Carrot,

I'm sorry. I know what it's like feel the loss of every support you thought you had.

Plus, feeling angry (at myself too), for falling for manipulation. If you are angry with yourself, then let go of that. It is pointless and undeserved.

Ok, the only thing to be unhappy (with yourself) about in this sort of situation, is letting yourself down, or letting others down. As far as I see, you didnt, and havent.

As for the friend, perhaps they feel they may be becoming stuck on one side, and wanted to shake that off, because they ultimately want to remain neutral. It could be. Who knows.

Thank you. I'm hanging in. I'm taking the drugs. =(

Carrot

Thank you. I'm hanging in. I'm taking the drugs. =(

 

Carrot

Are you really? I hope they work out for you.

I really think your post break-up feelings sound quite normal, but of course if you are having trouble coping then you have to do whatever you think will help you.

Yah, I'm really taking the drugs. I can't handle the emo ups and downs of dealing with the ex every day not to mention the constant battle within myself between being nice because I want to and wanting to be nasty and not being able to because of the new professional constraint.

Carrot

Yes of course, that must be a difficult situation. Good luck. I know they help alot of people.

Still here. Another late lunch game of 9-hole. This time he got yanked in by a coworker which kind of sucked. We partnered and won of course. Of course we did. Of course. This is stupid.

My friend and I made up. It we both got briefly teary. I might just love these drugs. Very comfortable right now. I wonder if it will last.

Everyone sing with me! Drugs are great! I love the happy drugs!

Holy whatever is holy I am zooming. This is fun but I think not going to be the solution for me. Lightheaded and major chest tightness and pains. But oh the blessed loss of feeling badly about giving a sh*t is going to be good for tonight. I still care. I'm just so high it's not bringing me down.

So let me tell you about Mr. I don't love you.... as long as it's not bringing me down. And you men can tell me just what up because once again as far as I know, Men who don't love their ex girlfriends do not do this....

I was having a coke and some popcorn while I finished up for the night. A gulp went down the wrong tube with some popcorn. I started choking on it. It kept getting worse and as I got up to get to the bathroom I see out of the corner of my eye - Mr. I don't love you is standing up watching to see if I'm okay.

I get back from the WC and am closing up. There is the ex at my desk. Are you okay? Are you all right? I'm on my way out for the night. Are you going to be okay. I said, yah, why? He said, you were coughing. [um.... it was just coughing] It sounded like you were dying. You should live. Don't die.

I said some popcorn went down the wrong way. He said okay as long as you're going to live. He was trying to joke but his face really wasn't joking. And oh how I love these drugs. I said, of course I'm going to live and gave a little wave and said, see ya. He looked like I'd slapped him. I turned back to finish my work and didn't watch him leave! Nyah!

It was far better than yesterday's violent fantasy. So what is that?

Carrot

The drugs wore off nicely enough last night but now I have what can only be described as a hangover the size of the city. My head is pounding. No more drugs for Carrot.

The ex is finally getting that I really let go of him. He's taken to walking by my desk a lot again, this time with more blatant in your face waving. Three bathroom trips an hour again. Since when does he pee this much? Does anyone pee this much besides pregnant ladies? Last trip I almost bumped into him. He stood and looked at me a moment. He looked sad. I smiled at him and went in. Had to go. He walked back to his desk so slowly he was still walking when I returned to my office. He had the sad, unhappy walk, not his life is good walk.

Do other people notice these things in their lovers? Oh. I got it from our mutual golf buddy, that yah, the ex got scared and panicked. Does that make it any different?

Carrot

Dont know Carrot. Just keep doing what youre doing. Oh except the drugs if they make you feel terrible. The only thing you can do, is go on what he has said. The only way you would know for sure, is if he came and told you.

Definitely no more drugs. The one afternoon of relief was wonderful though. I think I forgot what not feeling lousy about something felt like.

You're right Spind. He said he didn't love me. That's where I stand with him.

Blah blah Carrot blah blah. Blah.

Oh damn. I wrote out this whole note about the day and just a moment ago something kind of meaningful happened and I want to share it with the ex so badly. I spent a few months working on something that I believed was critical to our research and no matter what I documented, I just wasn't making the case. The president of my firm deemed my work irrelevant. Well one moment ago a partnering firm just verified my work in very large numbers and it's not irrelevant, far from it.

It's not going to gain me any rewards beyond a little, Carrot knew it from the start - maybe. Maybe I'll get that.

But there is only one person who fully understands what this means to me and would be happy for me and proud of me and it's the ex. I took a lot (A LOT) of grief over this work. The ex was even faintly disappointed that I didn't quit because I wasn't getting the respect he thought was due me. He would be so proud and happy for me. He'd still be annoyed, I'm sure, that my work is getting less respect than deserved but he'd want to know about this and here I am not telling him.

A new kind of sad entered my stomach.

Carrot