The Crossroads

Well, it was bound to happen and it did. And yes, it depresses me to no end. I have been seeing my boyfriend for two years, and have known a great happiness with him. He lived next door to me for the first year and half and that was awesome. A few months ago, he took a job in a new town and moved an hour and a half away. Ok, no problem. We worked around it, and see each other every weekend. Either he comes to stay with me, or I go up there to see him.

 

Well, its come now to the 'rock and a hard place' time. He wants me to move up there with him, so we can be together full time. That would mean moving an hour and a half away from my daughter. I don't want to move her away from her dad, her school, and her family so her moving with me up here isn't an option. I want him to move here, and be with me full time but that would mean throwing away any good career opportunities the he could have. I don't want to live an hour and a half away from my daughter, and he doesn't want to give up his career opportunities that he has in his town.

 

We had a talk about this on the drive up to his place yesterday. He isn't happy with doing the long distance thing, and doesn't want to do it for much longer. So, we got into the "can this even work" talk and discussed whether or not to even try to keep the relationship going. I cried a lot during that talk. Even thinking about it now makes me sad.

 

I don't want to lose him, but I also don't have any intention of demoting myself down to a 'weekend parent' by moving away. She will be splitting time between my house and her dad's house, so I won't see her every day anyway, but I will see her at least a few days a week and if I move then I lose those few days a week, not to mention that I will be an hour and a half away. I can't see that as anything less than walking out of her life, and I just won't do that. My mother did that to me, and it has stayed with me my whole life.

 

Its not that I am confused about what to do, or not sure where this is going. I know that my relationship cannot survive this. That is the depressing part, I guess. There isn't a compromise that can be made in this case.

 

Just a vent, more or less.

Aw LB. Sorry you are going thru this.

 

How old is your daughter?

LB, you've given some excellent advice on LS for those in need of understanding so bear with me for trying to help too. Is there no middleground place the two of you could move to so both commutes can be reduced to 45 minutes and you can still spend time with your daughter?

Thats a good idea. I drive 45 minutes to work, its fine.

Lots of people travel further.

 

IF he wants it to work he shouldn't be making you choose between him and your daughter.

The reason I asked how old she was was because I wondered if she was 16/17 and likely to be leaving home soon.

Yep, lots of people commute 40 mins or so. My H has been doing that since Dec. when we moved but has recently opened his own office where we live. Do you think that's a possibility? I see no other alternative. Is he willing to make that sacrifice to be with you?

 

I commend you for not moving so far from your daughter. It's got to be a tough decision. You're a good mother.

as a mom - you should always think about your child's best interest before ANY man....

 

but - 90 minutes away? that is considered to be NOTHING here in so cal... most people commute that two times each day - just to work...

 

makes me think there may be other issues at hand...

 

JMHO

 

your child comes first honey.

Maybe it is the reluctance to make the sacrifice that hurts you..

 

He is asking you to make all the sacrifices..

You have to move

You have to give up time with your daughter

You have to make new friends

You have to get a new job

You have to... the list goes on

 

He doesn't have to do anything..and that isn't what guys who want to be with their women should be doing..

 

If he was offering to make a sacrifice and meet you half way then this might not even be an issue..

 

He has asked you to do something that has triggered your crossing the comfort line.

 

The fix.. ?...

I don't know... I'm sorry you are having to make this kind of decision

Jobs come and go. But people are what matters.

 

It's sad, but I think he's kind of showing you where his priorities are. If the job is more important to him than you are....

Well, let's just say that having read so many of your good posts and believing you to be a superlative personality... I think you DESERVE a guy who'd rather live in a cardboard box than to be without you.

My daughter is only ten. Lots of mommy years left there. She is going to be going to a high school where she will live in a dorm, and be several hundred miles away (by her choice - her father went to high school there and she wants to go there too) but that won't be for a few more years. I don't want to give up the years I have left, even if it means losing my chance at a future with a man that I love.

 

I don't know if he would be willing to move any closer, or move at all really. He has just now gotten all of his stuff unpacked in the place where he is now and has settled in, gotten to know the area and all that good stuff. Will he make a sacrifice to be with me by moving all of his stuff again to a place where he will have to commute 45 minutes? That I don't know. I do know that I don't want to be even 45 minutes away from my kid.

 

I don't get the idea that he is being a jerk about it. He isn't a parent himself, and has trouble relating in this situation. The way he sees it, I will still be her mother no matter what and that I will still talk to her ever day, and all that. He doesn't understand that I physically need to be there with her, to actively be a part of her life - to be there for her within a few minutes notice if she needs me.

 

I guess people without children tend to see the situation in terms of their relationship with thier own parents - they live apart from their parents, but still love them and see them fairly often even if they don't live with them anymore. But... that isn't the same way a person with children sees it when it comes down to it.

 

I dunno. The whole thing is depressing. Right now I don't see a solution that will allow for me to have the relationship he and I want, and be the type of active parent that I want to be.

 

Something's gotta give and I don't see either the rock or the hard place making a move any time soon.

 

Who knows. Things change, and maybe things can work out and I expect with time some compromise can be made but right now that isn't looking like a possibility.

I do know that I don't want to be even 45 minutes away from my kid.

 

There is the beginning of forming your answer...

It's sad, but I think he's kind of showing you where his priorities are. If the job is more important to him than you are....

 

I have had that weighing on my mind for a long time now. I was thinking about it when he moved away several months ago to take a better job. Its like a knife in the gut to think about. I know he wants to be able to make more money, and be a good provider and all that, and I know that a man's identity and self worth are strongly tied into that - but it doesn't make it any easier to know that.

 

your child comes first honey.

 

Yup, no doubt about it.

From where I sit it looks like he's saying "my way or the highway." I mean, he's saying that the current status quo isn't good enough but yet he's not willing to make any compromise. That would be the bottom line for me. And no offense LB, but this makes him maybe not quite a jerk, but certainly selfish in my mind.

 

He clearly doesn't understand that as a responsible parent you can't do it his way now. You have no choice really. But he DOES.

 

Maybe if he sees that you can't budge on this he'll re-think his position.

My daughter is only ten. Lots of mommy years left there. She is going to be going to a high school where she will live in a dorm, and be several hundred miles away (by her choice - her father went to high school there and she wants to go there too) but that won't be for a few more years. I don't want to give up the years I have left, even if it means losing my chance at a future with a man that I love.

He doesn't understand that I physically need to be there with her, to actively be a part of her life - to be there for her within a few minutes notice if she needs me.

 

I guess people without children tend to see the situation in terms of their relationship with thier own parents - they live apart from their parents, but still love them and see them fairly often even if they don't live with them anymore. But... that isn't the same way a person with children sees it when it comes down to it.

.

 

I can understand that and I don't have children. I would want my mom around if I was ten.

Has he actually said that things HAVE to change?

LC

I've just read your thread. I am SO sorry you are going through this! Honestly though I don't think it is such a problem. I am sure a solution can be found if you are both willing to compromise! 45 minutes is nothing. An hour is nothing. I commuted longer distances than an hour for ten years. He can do it! It just takes some getting used to, that's all! After a whle, the distance seems to get shorter and shorter. This should not be a reason for breaking up...definitely not! If he wants to really be with you, he should understand you are a mom and make the sacrifice! It really isn't such a big one after all! Plenty of people commute an hour or more every day! No, you must ask him if he is willing to do this! If he isn't, then, well, sweetheart, you will have to sit down and re - evaluate your relationship with this man. And yes, you are right, people who do not have children can not understand your maternal loyalties!! Have that talk with him. Ask him outright and see what he says. Then give yourself some time to think before making any moves! Please, don't worry. I'm sure the both of you will work around this!

Has he actually said that things HAVE to change?

 

No, he didn't give an outright ultimatum or anything like that. Just that he was not happy with the distance, and that he wants to be with me all the time instead of just weekends. He is at the point where he is wondering how we are going to make this work, or if its even possible. He knows that he doesn't want the long distance aspect to last for much longer, so we are rapidly reaching a point where we either have to work some sort of compromise or walk away from this. I'm at a loss when it comes to the compromise part.

 

I expect we'll work it out one way or the other, but right now it just seems pretty bleak.

Having been in your situation ~ the choice is simple.

 

Stay where you're at and spend as much time as you can with your DD. If your important enough to you ~ he'll make you and your daughter a priorty ~ just that plain ~ just that simple.

 

He knew you were a package deal going into it. You work to live, not live to work. You've got a roof over your head, medical, dental, food to eat you're way ahead of the game of most people in this world.

 

And if his self worth and self identity is that tied to his work ~ then he's got a problem. A Marine is what I was, but not the sum total of who I am as an individual.

 

If his self worth-self idenity is that wrapped up in who he is ~ Mr. Reality is going to come along and wear that azz out one day ~ sure and certain! Not a question of "if" but when!

 

I've been on both sides of this equation as both a child and a parent ~ and the default answer is side with staying where you are with your daughter.

 

Good jobs are hard to come by ~ this is true! But good women are even harder to find. If he doesn't apprectiate you, then he doesn't deserve you!

 

Personally, it would have been "Adios MF" when he moved away to begin with!

 

...If his self worth-self identity is that wrapped up in who he is ~ Mr. Reality is going to come along and wear that azz out one day ~ sure and certain! Not a question of "if" but when!...

 

 

...Good jobs are hard to come by ~ this is true! But good women are even harder to find. If he doesn't appreciate you, then he doesn't deserve you!....

 

I think these are EXCELLENT points.

 

A good partner IS harder to find than a good job. And we can't define ourselves by our work to the exclusion of our important relationships without ending up alone and lonely.

I know first-hand the powerful attraction our children exert on us parents. When my wife and I separated about 3 years ago, and I moved out of the marital home, there was no way I was going to move far from my 15 and 17 year old son and daughter.

 

I moved just .4 of a mile away and my children (especially my 18 year old son) are fixtures in my apartment. My ex and I have an extended household made possible by our amicable split and shared love for our children.

 

My girl friend lives about 40 minutes away, and she (being a mother herself) knows that my kids come first. I hope that you and your bf can reach an accommodation that allows you both a fulfilling erotic and parental relationship.

 

It doesn't have to be an either/or where you're forced to choose between being a real parent and a real lover. Exercise that considerable imagination of yours, LB, and then assert your magnificent powers of persuasion.

 

On these boards, your powers of expression are matched only by your powerful intelligence and considerable charm. Keep shining on brightly, and perhaps your bf will relent and allow you to be both a good parent and a good lover.

 

Good luck, girl.

90 minutes is hardly long distance. My office is 20 miles away and it can take me 90 minutes if I drive out at the height of rush hour.

 

He can get sattelite radio for his car and listen to whatever he wants. Get him a bunch of books on tape or foreign language tapes...he can put that drive time to good use.

 

He's being a baby if he says it's too far to drive. He's saying he'd give up a wonderful woman and a wonderful relationship because he can't bring himself to do something that millions of people do every day to get to work.

Jobs come and go. But people are what matters.

 

It's sad, but I think he's kind of showing you where his priorities are. If the job is more important to him than you are....

Well, let's just say that having read so many of your good posts and believing you to be a superlative personality... I think you DESERVE a guy who'd rather live in a cardboard box than to be without you.

 

Yeah, but would she want to live in the cardboard box with him? When push comes to shove I don't know too many women that actually think much of a guy without money.

 

The real issue for each of you to think about is this: at the end of your life will you regret the decision you make?

 

I guess people without children tend to see the situation ...

Until one has a child of one's own one can't even begin to understand being a parent. Having a child changes a person - profoundly. IMO.

 

And as to his job being important to him... if this was gender reversed and the guy was aksing a woman to give up her career to be with him... I doubt many women would say the woman should walk away from her career, independence and all that.

 

I know he wants to be able to make more money, and be a good provider and all that, and I know that a man's identity and self worth are strongly tied into that - but it doesn't make it any easier to know that.

Yeap... women just don't respect a man with no money. He's got to buy the drinks, pay for dinner, ... bring home the bacon or he's a bum.

 

your child comes first honey.

Really? I don't think so. Stop making children the whole center of your life. Are you really defined by your child? Are you nothing more than a mommy? No other identity or importance in this world? If your child was all that important to you why did you divorce? Why not stay married no matter how lousy your relationship was with your exH? Surely the divorce has harmed her more than anything else.

 

Children grow up and live their own lives. Would you want your child to sacrfice her life if you became ill? Should your child give up her future, possibly her marriage just so she could care for you?

 

Your child is important, but ... when she's grown will you resent her for screwing up the rest of your life? Keeping you from the man you love?

 

You seem to be willing to sacrifice for your child. Would you sacrifice yourself, your happiness, for the man you love? Is your love for the man less than for your child? If so, then do him a favor and let him find someone that can love him as unconditionally as you love your child. I would not want a woman that put anyone else before me. And I wouldn't put anyone else before my wife, inlcuding my children. My wife and I are together until death. Our kids are transients, here for 18 years and then off on their own.

 

 

BTW, part of our vows was "whether thou goes I will go. Your people shall be my people. "

 

And how come you don't have custody your daughter?

FIC, the problem here was the MAN who doesn't want to give up any of his candy in the goodie bag! I could go whine too bashing about the total lack of concern about commuting and the environment....but nooobody cares about that.

 

LB, I think it's great that you are such a devoting mother, however, you can't expect a man to give up everything he wants because you are a mother. (This sounded worse than I mean.) He will never understand how you feel, and therefore I don't think that he would be willing to stay where you are. However, if he doesn't like the idea of commuting - was he really worth it in the first place? I do agree he is asking you to make all the sacrifices instead of making him meet you halfway.

 

How did he react when you were crying in the car? That'd said a lot about his feelings towards it.

This statement

Until one has a child of one's own one can't even begin to understand being a parent. Having a child changes a person - profoundly. IMO.

 

contradicts this one.

 

Really? I don't think so. Stop making children the whole center of your life. Are you really defined by your child? Are you nothing more than a mommy? No other identity or importance in this world? If your child was all that important to you why did you divorce? Why not stay married no matter how lousy your relationship was with your exH? Surely the divorce has harmed her more than anything else.

 

And is pretty disrespectful..... and inaccurate. IMO a child being brought up in an unhappy marriage is JUST as likely to be affected as one who goes thru a divorce and sees her parents happy again.

 

 

Yeap... women just don't respect a man with no money. He's got to buy the drinks, pay for dinner, ... bring home the bacon or he's a bum.

 

What a load of bollocks. In 2007? Really. What rubbish.

 

 

And I wouldn't put anyone else before my wife, inlcuding my children. My wife and I are together until death. Our kids are transients, here for 18 years and then off on their own.

Sigh. Her daughter is TEN. Not 18. A ten year old girl needs her mom. LB is a good mother.

 

If she was 18, it would be a totally different story.

If I was in your situation, I would move to my boyfriend and bring the child with me. I wouldn't be tied up to my ex and my family for the rest of my life. That just shows where your priorities are, and they are not with your boyfriend, and he sees it clearly. That's why it wouldn't be wise for him to make sacrifices for you.

90 minutes is hardly long distance. My office is 20 miles away and it can take me 90 minutes if I drive out at the height of rush hour.

 

He can get sattelite radio for his car and listen to whatever he wants. Get him a bunch of books on tape or foreign language tapes...he can put that drive time to good use.

 

He's being a baby if he says it's too far to drive. He's saying he'd give up a wonderful woman and a wonderful relationship because he can't bring himself to do something that millions of people do every day to get to work.

My thoughts exactly.

 

How about over two hours? My commute is one hour five minutes in and one hour fifteen minutes home. Luckily, my city just opened up a magnificent new commuter rail line into my area, and now I can spend that time catching up on reading instead of gnashing my teeth behind the wheel and sweating bullets over gas prices. Is any such transit available to him? (Or -- heaven forbid -- is he one of those who thinks public transit is a come-down in status?)

 

So sorry to hear of this ...

 

{{{{{{{LucreziaBorgia}}}}}}}

And how come you don't have custody your daughter?

 

I share custody with her dad. He is an awesome dad, and a great person in general and I know he wants her in his life as much as I want her in mine. His place is only a mile or so from mine, so the 'back and forth' works well. Basically whichever place our daughter wants to be, she's there. It works for all three of us.

 

1. He will never understand how you feel, and therefore I don't think that he would be willing to stay where you are.

 

2. However, if he doesn't like the idea of commuting - was he really worth it in the first place? I do agree he is asking you to make all the sacrifices instead of making him meet you halfway.

 

3. How did he react when you were crying in the car? That'd said a lot about his feelings towards it.

 

1. You are right, I don't think he ever will. I wish I could magically open my brain, take what I'm feeling out and implant it into his so that he could see what it feels like. I think on one level, he understands that it is painful for me but as a single guy with no kids (who doesn't want any of his own) he has trouble relating to the attachment I have to her.

 

2. I have asked myself that a lot. Is it really worth it? Its all still new so I expect before too long I'll have a more clear answer.

 

3. He was upset along with me. He wants to be with me, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and I think this is as frustrating for him as it is for me. He is sad and lonely when I am not with him.

 

Last night, we were sitting on the couch, and I brought up the idea of him leaving me, and he grabbed me in his arms and said "Baby, I'm not going anywhere." So... I guess he is thinking about it too.